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One night stand
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06-02-2011 9:44am#1
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Really! I don't think the guy can get any more upfront than what he intends to say without coming across as predatory and vulgar. "Excuse me, would you mind being my plaything?" How well do you think that will go down? Have you considered that perhaps the OP is hoping that the girl and himself can be each other's playthings?
If a man tells me that "he's not looking for anything serious", I know exactly what he means and am in no danger of fooling myself that a relationship will develop from NSA. As it should be. People who, as you say, "interpret" very straightforward and unambiguous phrases like this in order to suit their own delusions have only themselves to blame for anything that follows after that.
One of my pet hates on boards is seeing guys who are being completely honest and upfront about looking for physical relationships only, being reprimanded or discouraged from saying this upfront. If they follow the moralistic advice, it will only serve to teach them that they should lie about wanting long-termers in order to get sex. Result! :rolleyes:
If I wasn't going unregistered for this, I'd thank your post! That is exactly what I was asking - how to go about it in the nicest way possible (which has the fortunate advantage of not making me look sleazy if it turns out she's nor interested
)
Also, she was fairly forward and I didn't need to do much in the way of chatting her up etc. To my mind that could mean one of 3 things:
1. She knew exactly what was going down and was OK with it (pretty likely)
2. She somehow managed to fall in love with me over the course of an hour and wants something serious (less likely)
3. My combination of winning personality and model-type good looks means that I can have any woman at the drop of a hat (unfortunately based on past experience, I don't think it's this one)
There is also the view that could be taken that maybe she's just a big slut. (Not suggesting this at all but it needs to be said to counter the opinion that I'm just a sleaze - after all we are both adults and I can confirm that it took two to tango :P )0 -
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If I wasn't going unregistered for this, I'd thank your post! That is exactly what I was asking - how to go about it in the nicest way possible (which has the fortunate advantage of not making me look sleazy if it turns out she's nor interested )
Also, she was fairly forward and I didn't need to do much in the way of chatting her up etc. To my mind that could mean one of 3 things:
1. She knew exactly what was going down and was OK with it (pretty likely)
2. She somehow managed to fall in love with me over the course of an hour and wants something serious (less likely)
3. My combination of winning personality and model-type good looks means that I can have any woman at the drop of a hat (unfortunately based on past experience, I don't think it's this one)
There is also the view that could be taken that maybe she's just a big slut. (Not suggesting this at all but it needs to be said to counter the opinion that I'm just a sleaze - after all we are both adults and I can confirm that it took two to tango :P )
Hi OP,
no problem. Ring the girl and lay it on the line, so to speak. You are way over-analyzing this, with possibilities 1,2 and 3. If you are completely upfront and spell it out just in the words you used in your opening post, I don't think there is anything remotely sleazy in that. Like I said, I was propositioned in exactly that way once and I actually had a lot of respect for the guy spelling things out instead of leading me on with "at the moment"s, "maybe"s, and similar. It was also a peculiar kind of buzz and kind of flattering for me that I was wanted for my body and wild sex only, as I am actually a relationship-only kind of girl but this was different and refreshing. (Although I turned him down, ultimately!
)
Now, if she takes you up on your offer be mindful of her and if you notice that she is displaying signs of "Well he said this but with a bit of time I can get him to the relationship stage" way of thinking (you will know them if they happen), then obviously you will need to discontinue the arrangement; it wouldn't be fair on her not to (although I tend not to have too much sympathy for deluded people because I think they choose their path themselves, but that's neither here nor there).
You sound like your heart is in the right place (meaning you want a physical relationship only, which is completely normal, but are mindful of the girl's feelings as well). It can be tricky enough to strike a balance here, but it can be done with the right girl. As long as you keep considering her feelings, you will be ok.
Best wishes.0 -
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Elle Collins wrote: »I fully respect that's the way you'd take it Seenitall, but not all women will respond in kind. If the target of the OP's horn ('affections' doesn't quite fit the situation) is anything like me she'll respond with a blunt fcukoff.
Sorry, can't see a blunt fcuk off happening from the woman who just had a NSA night with a stranger or a casual acquaintance at best (in other words, she doesn't sound to be anything like you!). At worst, she will refuse him, but why she would be unnecessarily rude about it, is beyond me... 0 -
Sorry, can't see a blunt fcuk off happening from the woman who just had a NSA night with a stranger or a casual acquaintance at best (in other words, she doesn't sound to be anything like you!). At worst, she will refuse him, but why she would be unnecessarily rude about it, is beyond me...
Well, I can't speak for anyone else of course, but speaking for myself, if I were in that woman's position I wouldn't see a blunt fcukoff as unnecessarily rude; I'd see his proposition as unnecessarily rude and my response as matchingly appropriate.
The thing is, a ONS is what it is, there are no expectations sought or given. It's a mutual thing and nobodies nose is knocked out of joint - BUT - if a man came back to me after a ONS and basically said he wanted to repeat the experience ad-nauseam with feckall of even the remotest possibility of anything other than riding, I'd tell him to go and find someone who was prepared to be treated like a blow-up doll.0 -
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You just need to look at the number of posts on the Relationships section of PI relating to dissatisfaction with NSA where the other party wanted and expected more to see that its not just two posters on here giving a skewed view of womanhood.
Sure, HOWEVER I have been reading PI and RI threads for about roughly a year now, and I can remember in that time reading a few threads started by women, specifically asking for advice on how to get a fcuk-buddy (presumably they don't go out much...
:D). You may not be giving a skewed view on womanhood (which I never claimed BTW), but neither is it the complete picture. I hope we can agree on that.
The only problem that I have with Elle Collins's post is that I still think it is not in the least psychologically plausible that a sane woman would f... a guy out of it, after having slept with him in the first place, just because he is being polite but direct about wanting more of the same.0 -
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Sure, HOWEVER I have been reading PI and RI threads for about roughly a year now, and I can remember in that time reading a few threads started by women, specifically asking for advice on how to get a fcuk-buddy (presumably they don't go out much...:D). You may not be giving a skewed view on womanhood (which I never claimed BTW), but neither is it the complete picture. I hope we can agree on that.
But weren't they all by the same person... :-)The only problem that I have with Elle Collins's post is that I still think it is not in the least psychologically plausible that a sane woman would f... a guy out of it, after having slept with him in the first place, just because he is being polite but direct about wanting more of the same.
Well I would too, if I thought someone was being a d**k. As would most self respecting people. Sorry, but this just sounds too much like a line some guy will spin you. I personally find this much less plausible than a woman telling a guy trying to get NSA sex where to go.0 -
Well I would too, if I thought someone was being a d**k. As would most self respecting people. Sorry, but this just sounds too much like a line some guy will spin you. I personally find this much less plausible than a woman telling a guy trying to get NSA sex where to go.
How is someone being a dcik by asking a polite but direct question? How is a respectful approach like that deserving of a blunt fcuk off?? How?? I would understand if you said that about all the guys out there (like the midlandmiss's one) who do actually spin lines about "maybe someday", "not into anything serious at the moment" - now that is spinning lines imv, that is leading people on and stringing them along in order to get sex or whatever they are getting out of them. But not honesty about one's motivations. The ultimate respect you can show someone is to be truthful with them, which is why cheating feels like such a huge betrayal, whether it be "consummated" or not.
Have you had both types of approaches made to you? I have, I have had guys try to be "friends" with me in order to get into my pants, I have had guys trying the "I'm not ready for anything serious" approach, and I have had one guy say to me outright that he was after sex only. Can you really not spot the odd one out here? Clue: two of of the examples were liars by either word or deed, one was straight and truthful about what he wanted, thus giving me a genuine chance of appraising the situation correctly and deciding for myself on the basis of facts not lies. How can that possibly equate to "spinning a line"? As long as the person is telling people the truth about themselves, they can't go far wrong, at least they can't go far wrong in my eyes, but I guess I am struggling here to understand things from your perspective.
Sorry, I am just genuinely puzzled by your and Elle's attitude, but I guess at this point my "how come" questions are becoming increasingly rhetorical...
Oh btw I consider myself to be a most self-respecting person :cool: - that's how I know (dis)respect when it is afforded me.0 -
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@ Elle Collins
Wow, talk about people needing to calm down...
"You're grand for a ride and feck all else" is NOT what is being discussed on this thread, that's the point. "The ride", as you say, is fait accompli, now it is just the matter of building on it. The fact that you find it deeply insulting is neither here or there because the girl in the opening post most clearly did not!
Your posts are speaking volumes about your projections of your own values and principles on to other people that I don't need to add anything else.
@ Distorted
Are you talking about the situation where you have slept with him on a NSA basis and then you told him to eff off? Beside which the situation is not the same as with the OP anyway, because as can be seen from his opening post, he does not intend to be persistant after (maybe?) being ignored and avoided. But I don't think it should come to being ignored or avoided after both of them had a nice time the other night...0 -
"You're grand for a ride and feck all else" is NOT what is being discussed on this thread, that's the point.
'You're grand for a string of rides and feck all else'. Oh how much more flattering and respectful - how on earth did I miss that :rolleyes:The fact that you find it deeply insulting is neither here or there because the girl in the opening post most clearly did not!
The women this thread relates to has not had the 'fcukbuddy' propositon yet, as far as we know, so we have no way of knowing if she will or has found it insulting or not.Your posts are speaking volumes about your projections of your own values and principles on to other people that I don't need to add anything else.
Rarely have I seen a poster write a line that could be so aptly applied to themselves.0 -
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Elle Collins wrote: »It may well be, or it may well not be. I never said there was no possibility that she'd go for that. I said there's a high likelihood she'd be insulted.
You are basing that probability on the fact that she had a ONS, but a ONS and an FB situation are two entirely different situations. It is not simply that one is a protracted version of the other; but in the second scenario a man clearly states that he enjoyed the sex enough to repeat it again and again, but does not value you enough as a person to ever even consider sharing anything with you but sex. For all the women that's fine for, that's fine - but there are those it is not fine for and I think you need to respect that.
So will I, and I'd say it'll be clear enough since you've contributed probably a thousand more words than I have on the subject!
Thank you for your apology. It is accepted. I'd like to point out, since you brought it up, that is was a mistaken assumption. I have had ONS's and I would have been deeply insulted if any of those men had contacted me after the fact looking to make me into a Fcukbuddy without any thought to the fact that there was more to me than my breasts and vagina.
What was it the OP said in his original post, I can't remember exactly, something about her being "not that hot" or words along those lines? What I read from that is that she'll do for a bit of sex on the QT but she's just below par for relationship material. Do you really think most women would be happy to be routinely intimate with somebody who held that view of them? Would you??
"in the second scenario a man clearly states that he enjoyed the sex enough to repeat it again and again, but does not value you enough as a person to ever even consider sharing anything with you but sex." -
- Not necessarily. Perhaps the man is not able or willing for any kind of emotional relationship. I would think that the OP has already shown in this thread that he does in fact value the girl's worth as a person, otherwise he wouldn't be asking for advice on how to approach her and state his intentions without hurting her feelings. Does that sound like the thinking of a disrespectful and valueless person? It's all in the opening post and his subsequent posts. I fully respect the women who are not fine with being fcuk-buddies, it's just that I don't see any reason for any woman to rudely tell a guy who is approaching her in the manner intended by the OP, to fcuk off. I don't believe it would be warranted, and I think it would be highly disrespectful of him in that case.
"So will I, and I'd say it'll be clear enough since you've contributed probably a thousand more words than I have on the subject!"
Yes, because, as everyone knows, the eloquence shown on a thread is directly proportionate to the offensiveness of the views expressed!
"I would have been deeply insulted if any of those men had contacted me after the fact looking to make me into a Fcukbuddy without any thought to the fact that there was more to me than my breasts and vagina." -
-Ok, that's about you.
"Do you really think most women would be happy to be routinely intimate with somebody who held that view of them? Would you??"
- No, I wouldn't at this point in my life. But different people have different priorities in their lives, so when someone is up for having a fcuk-buddy, do you really think a priority is that they are "very hot" to their fcuk-buddy? Being a fcuk-buddy and having a fcuk-buddy is about scratching an itch on a regular basis, not about compatibility in hotness or anything else aside from the compatibility in bed.0 -
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Elle Collins wrote: »Look Seenitall, I'm really not interested in going round in circles on the matter.
Oh?
And I was just getting stuck in! (JOKE!) :pac:
Honestly, I appreciate your views because I know that most women would share similar views on this to yourself. Just not all of them - so we are indeed polarised. But, much as found your first post unnecessarily dismissive of the OP, I think it will do him good to read through everyone's opinions on this thread, not only the encouraging ones.
Unless he's long gone and scored again - or not, as the case may be!
EDIT: Hopefully not coming across as condenscending to you now - I actually DON'T enjoy antagonising people with my views!0 -
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Elle Collins wrote: »It's nice to hear this from a man.
And as a man I agree with your earlier posts that it is not unreasonable to tell a guy who wants a f-buddy arrangement to shag off, even if you have already had a one night stand with him.0 -
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