Not allowed use friends bed

LegacyUser

I've been sharing a house with a girl for a while now who's become a good friend and referred to me as her "best friend". I know this might seem petty and a little trivial but it's niggling at me. Friend was away the weekend and I was having a friend over for drinks, she was staying over etc. I text my friend and said "I've a favour to ask, do you mind if I jump into your bed?" to be honest I didn't even think it would be an issue and was taken back by her reply which was "Honestly, i'd prefer if you didn't ,why what's the problem?". I know it's her room and she might want privacy etc, and I totally respect that. The thing is though she allows all her girlfriends stay in there, she's even let one of the lads who's a friend crash there. She's let 2 guys she's only being seeing for short periods of time sleep there. She goes into my room to use my straighteners and doesn't always ask, which I don't have a problem with at all. I was away for a night and let her friend stay in bed who was up for a couple of nights. I feel quite insulted by her reply, do you think i'm overreacting or would other people feel the same way?

LegacyUser

Slightlyinsulted wrote: »

I've been sharing a house with a girl for a while now who's become a good friend and referred to me as her "best friend". I know this might seem petty and a little trivial but it's niggling at me. Friend was away the weekend and I was having a friend over for drinks, she was staying over etc. I text my friend and said "I've a favour to ask, do you mind if I jump into your bed?" to be honest I didn't even think it would be an issue and was taken back by her reply which was "Honestly, i'd prefer if you didn't ,why what's the problem?". I know it's her room and she might want privacy etc, and I totally respect that. The thing is though she allows all her girlfriends stay in there, she's even let one of the lads who's a friend crash there. She's let 2 guys she's only being seeing for short periods of time sleep there. She goes into my room to use my straighteners and doesn't always ask, which I don't have a problem with at all. I was away for a night and let her friend stay in bed who was up for a couple of nights. I feel quite insulted by her reply, do you think i'm overreacting or would other people feel the same way?

I can see why you feel like that and the only explanation I can think of is that maybe she had some personal things lying around her room and because she wasn't there when you asked she said no?

Cheap Thrills!

I suppose it'd be different if she's there herself.

You know, if you're away and you're not sure who might be using the bed/sharing it with you. It's probably not a personal thing twords you. She might just be nervous you would be scoring in it.

Just a control thing. I suppose people consider their bed a sacred space.

I'm a bit control-freaky like that, I can't explain it. My mind would run overtime, what if someone you were with had scabies/nits etc etc

I know it's illogical but I guess you just have to accept it really, I'm sure she'll explain when she gets home.

LegacyUser

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

I suppose it'd be different if she's there herself.

You know, if you're away and you're not sure who might be using the bed/sharing it with you. It's probably not a personal thing twords you. She might just be nervous you would be scoring in it.
Just a control thing. I suppose people consider their bed a sacred space.

I'm a bit control-freaky like that, I can't explain it. My mind would run overtime, what if someone you were with had scabies/nits etc etc

I know it's illogical but I guess you just have to accept it really, I'm sure she'll explain when she gets home.

I'm in a commited relationship so scoring is not an issue and besides i'd never bring a ONS into my bed let alone someone elses that's just skanky. If her bed was a sacred space she wouldn't let lads crash in there who are just friends that she only knows a wet week, do you not think?

She didn't explain when she got home she didn't even acknowledge it.

LegacyUser

Jeez, we're both girls surely we both have the same "personal things" and usually friends look past these things, ie, the rooms a mess etc, girlfriends don't judge these kinds of things. Would it be spiteful if I didn't allow her friend stay in my room again?

dub_3

You could easily have caught her on the hop by asking her when she was away.

• Maybe there are personal items lying around she would rather have tidied away before allowing anyone use the room.
  
• Maybe the sheets are just a bit messy and she would be mortified if you noticed the stains from that shag she had the other night.
  
• Maybe there's a vibrator under her pillow.
  
• Maybe there are used condoms (from the recent encounters) in a wastebasket next to her bed.
  
• Maybe there are condoms / sex manual / whip / handcuffs in her bedside locker
  
• Maybe there's medication or other evidence of an embarrassing condition

It could be anything.

When you see her next, you should apologise for not giving her any notice and putting her on the spot like that.

In accepting the apology she might offer an explanation 'yeah, sorry the room was a bit messy'.

The explanation may be a fiction, but at least would let you know, she'd probably be ok with using the room in the future.


'let me know in advance next time and I'll tidy up'

That's code for hide the vibrator, clear out locker, empty wastebasket etc...

whatever you do don't ask for any explanation for why she said no.

ztoical

Slightlyinsulted wrote: »

I was away for a night and let her friend stay in bed who was up for a couple of nights. I feel quite insulted by her reply, do you think i'm overreacting or would other people feel the same way?

Honestly yes I think your overreacting. I don't get what your insulted about, had she texted back saying 'ugh no I don't want you in my bed' or something to that effect I could understand but saying she'd prefer you didn't makes it sould like the sheets needed a good clean and she just didn't want people seeing that.

When you say you let her friend stay in bed I assume you mean she crashed in your bed...when did she ask if her friend could stay in your bed? Had you already left or did you have time to give the room a quick once over?

LegacyUser

dub_3 wrote: »

You could easily have caught her on the hop by asking her when she was away.

• Maybe there are personal items lying around she would rather have tidied away before allowing anyone use the room.
  
• Maybe the sheets are just a bit messy and she would be mortified if you noticed the stains from that shag she had the other night.
  
• Maybe there's a vibrator under her pillow.
  
• Maybe there are used condoms (from the recent encounters) in a wastebasket next to her bed.
  
• Maybe there are condoms / sex manual / whip / handcuffs in her bedside locker
  
• Maybe there's medication or other evidence of an embarrassing condition

It could be anything.

When you see her next, you should apologise for not giving her any notice and putting her on the spot like that.
In accepting the apology she might offer an explanation 'yeah, sorry the room was a bit messy'.

The explanation may be a fiction, but at least would let you know, she'd probably be ok with using the room in the future.


'let me know in advance next time and I'll tidy up'

That's code for hide the vibrator, clear out locker, empty wastebasket etc...

whatever you do don't ask for any explanation for why she said no.

I won't be apologising as she's often gone into my room to use my straighteners which sometimes requires going into my press and has helped herself to food of mine again which I didn't mind as we are supposedely "great friends". I'm very much a private person and my space/bed is sacred but seen as we know a hell of a lot about each other and spend a lot of time together I would have thought this was not a big deal. I just think friendship should work both ways, even the tone of her msg was quite bitchy. Fair enough if she'd any of the items above lying around I could understand but we are very open about bfs etc so she could have said something about it when she got home.

albeit

When sharing a house there has to be some boundaries between what's mine and what's yours. You can invite friends over to stay in your bed, but it is different if your flatmates takes using your bed for granted while you are away. There is a big difference between going into your room and using a straightener( that she has probably asked first time if that was allright) and taking some food which she has replaced and using someone elses bed. If that is where she draws her line, you will have to respect that. The line has to be drawn somewhere.

LegacyUser

Slightlyinsulted wrote: »

I won't be apologising as she's often gone into my room to use my straighteners which sometimes requires going into my press and has helped herself to food of mine again which I didn't mind as we are supposedely "great friends". I'm very much a private person and my space/bed is sacred but seen as we know a hell of a lot about each other and spend a lot of time together I would have thought this was not a big deal. I just think friendship should work both ways, even the tone of her msg was quite bitchy. Fair enough if she'd any of the items above lying around I could understand but we are very open about bfs etc so she could have said something about it when she got home.

Well if ye are such good friends then obviously there must have been something embarrassing in there that prompted her to say no.

And if you consider her a great friend then I think you should let this one go, do you really think it's worth causing friction in the friendship and in the house over it?

And yes I think it would be spiteful if you said no if she asked you if she could use her room.

I honestly think life is too short to be making a big deal of this.

The only other reason I can think of that she said no is that perhaps she's annoyed with you over something else?

"Honestly I'd prefer if you didn't " is not bitchy, not in the slightest.
If you have such a problem with her then sit down and talk to her about it, we are not psychic and we cannot help you.
If you are close and good friends then you should have no problem doing this.

However your entire thread has been about HER saying you're good friends and you sounding very skeptical, in which case I wonder why you feel entitled to her bed. What she does with it regarding other people is not your business. If you have a problem with her taking your food, then bring that up separately. It doesn't mean you should be able to use her bed. Going into your room to borrow something is also not the same as using the bed.

Frankly I think you are overreacting and need to ask her in a non confrontational way if there was some particular reason. Remember also that you're not entitled to one.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

"Honestly I'd prefer if you didn't " is not bitchy, not in the slightest.If you have such a problem with her then sit down and talk to her about it, we are not psychic and we cannot help you.
If you are close and good friends then you should have no problem doing this.

However your entire thread has been about HER saying you're good friends and you sounding very skeptical, in which case I wonder why you feel entitled to her bed. What she does with it regarding other people is not your business. If you have a problem with her taking your food, then bring that up separately. It doesn't mean you should be able to use her bed. Going into your room to borrow something is also not the same as using the bed.

Frankly I think you are overreacting and need to ask her in a non confrontational way if there was some particular reason. Remember also that you're not entitled to one.

maybe not but the What's the problem bit was a bit. I know i'm not entitled but she knows i've allowed her friend use my bed and she knew that I had a friend who she also knows and socialises with over, so she knew why I was asking, don't get the "why what's the problem" bit. I just thought this wasn't a big deal clearly we are not singing from the same hymn sheet which is fine, I am skeptical because this is not how good/best friends carry on. I guess i'll know in future not to let her friends use my room.

LegacyUser

albeit wrote: »

When sharing a house there has to be some boundaries between what's mine and what's yours. You can invite friends over to stay in your bed, but it is different if your flatmates takes using your bed for granted while you are away. There is a big difference between going into your room and using a straightener( that she has probably asked first time if that was allright) and taking some food which she has replaced and using someone elses bed. If that is where she draws her line, you will have to respect that. The line has to be drawn somewhere.

I'm the first person to respect peoples boundaries, but the fact she lets a lad she barely knows who's just a mate stay in her bed and has a problem with someone who's supposed to be her friend staying in her room is a bit of a kick in the teeth. What makes you think she asks to use the straighteners or has replaced the food?

Maybe i'm overreacting I just won't be so open or giving with her in future.

Nevyn

Just becuase you were ok with having her friend sleep in your bed, that does not automatically mean she is ok with you sleeping in hers.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Just becuase you were ok with having her friend sleep in your bed, that does not automatically mean she is ok with you sleeping in hers.

Of course but she's okay with everyone else sleeping there, that's the insulting part. And we're supposed to be close?

shoes34

I use to live with my cousin and had gone home for a weekend and on returning found that she had put her friend sleeping in my room. I had taken all the sheets off my bed to be washed and hadn't put new ones on as I was away for the weekend. She slept in an unmade bed!

My cousin didn't ring or text me to ask if this was OK and the friend, I told her that I would prefer she didn't put people in my bedroom as it was my bedroom, now she use to come in to use the mirror and stuff as I had a full size mirror in my room, which I didn't mind but I did mind people sleeping in my bed.

Some people just don't like others in their bedroom especially when they are not in the house.

dub_3

I'm not saying you actually owe her an apology (though you were wrong to put her on the spot), but that's the most tactful way to approach the subject and maybe allow her to say sorry for saying no and make up a feeble excuse. It would also give her the opportunity to clarify it would be ok in the future (but with notice given).

As already said by albeit it's about boundaries.
You allow her to use your straightners, you could easily say I'd prefer if you didn't go in my room, or simply lock it.

And just cos she's allowed to take straightners from your room doesn't mean her friends can sleep there anytime.

From your post it sounds like you knew before you went away that her friend would be using your room. (and hence you had the opportunity the change the sheets if necessary, pick up knickers off the floor etc...)

ztoical

Slightlyinsulted wrote: »

maybe not but the What's the problem bit was a bit. I know i'm not entitled but she knows i've allowed her friend use my bed and she knew that I had a friend who she also knows and socialises with over, so she knew why I was asking, don't get the "why what's the problem" bit. I just thought this wasn't a big deal clearly we are not singing from the same hymn sheet which is fine, I am skeptical because this is not how good/best friends carry on. I guess i'll know in future not to let her friends use my room.

You haven't said how much notice you were given when asked could her friends crash in your room. did she texted you when you'd already left or had you 5 mins to do a quick once over of the space?

Katgurl

There was nothing bitchy about her text and why did you even bother asking permission if you were already assuming entitlement.

There could be something in her room she's embarrassed about - she mighthave had her period that morning, woken late and not had time to change sheets. Or have vibrator / used condoms not hidden away. She might have been reading old love letters and not put them away. It could be anything at all and she's more than justified in saying she would prefer if you didn't.

If you didn't want her friend staying in your bed you could have said no.

I have lived in houseshares for years. I have often said to housemates I don't mind their friends or them using my bed so long as it's in ok order so always feel free to text and check in with me. I also stress that doesn't mean I would assume they need reciprocate, some people feel differently.

I really think you are having a huge over reaction and being very inconsiderate toward your friend.

Slightlyinsulted

Slightlyinsulted wrote: »

maybe not but the What's the problem bit was a bit.

I disagree. If I was in a hurry and I got a text like that I'd ask the same. If they replied with "well the problem is that the ceiling fell in in my room so my bed is unusable" or some other problem, then yeah go ahead, it's a once off.
If it's "well I just wanted to as i'm having friends over", that's different.

I know i'm not entitled but she knows i've allowed her friend use my bed and she knew that I had a friend who she also knows and socialises with over, so she knew why I was asking

It doesn't mean she knew why, it could have been anything so she asked. And just because you've no problem sharing a bed out, doesn't mean she has to have no problem.
Especially since it could have simply been a case of getting her period that morning like someone else said, or something else she was embarrassed about.

I am skeptical because this is not how good/best friends carry on. I guess i'll know in future not to let her friends use my room.

You're right it isn't how they carry on - and I'm referring to your behaviour here. You overreacted to a simple question and then instead of discussing it with her, as friends do, you've decided to sulk and never let her friends use your room. Now you don't have to let them, but playing at silly games about a misunderstood situation is not on.
It is entirely reasonable that she wouldn't have known why you asked - just because you knew why you asked doesn't mean she did.

Once again I would suggest you ask her calmly.

Of course but she's okay with everyone else sleeping there, that's the insulting part

It's not insulting. You're being a bit childish here, and all because you don't even know why she said no.

Bottle_of_Smoke

There might be a reasonable explaination no one here could possibly think of. Best friends don't tell each other everything. For all you know she might have an STI/condition she's worried could be passed onto you by sleeping in her bed.

ztoical

Slightlyinsulted wrote: »

Of course but she's okay with everyone else sleeping there, that's the insulting part. And we're supposed to be close?

Still not getting what the insulting part is....it has nothing to do with being close or not. The others she let stay from your OP were blokes and her friends whom I assume she either knew were staying before hand or in the case of some of the blokes she didn't care as other things were happening [nudge nudge and all that] I was away all this week and had I got a text from my flatmate one of the nights asking to crash in my bed I'd have said no as well.

albeit

Also, being such good friends, as you say you are, involves respecting eachothers boundaries.

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

There was nothing bitchy about her text and why did you even bother asking permission if you were already assuming entitlement.

There could be something in her room she's embarrassed about - she mighthave had her period that morning, woken late and not had time to change sheets. Or have vibrator / used condoms not hidden away. She might have been reading old love letters and not put them away. It could be anything at all and she's more than justified in saying she would prefer if you didn't.

If you didn't want her friend staying in your bed you could have said no.

I have lived in houseshares for years. I have often said to housemates I don't mind their friends or them using my bed so long as it's in ok order so always feel free to text and check in with me. I also stress that doesn't mean I would assume they need reciprocate, some people feel differently.

I really think you are having a huge over reaction and being very inconsiderate toward your friend.

I don't think I am being inconsiderate maybe i'm wrong sorry, but i'm human and I can't help how I feel about the situation, which is why I wanted to get others perspectives on the matter, before I decide whether to say it to her or not. I've done house shares as has she and we no how bitchy people can be. I moved out of the last house after a serious invasion of privacy which she knows about and she knows it's a huge deal to me to let people in and out of my room and that I trust and respect her which is why I allow her use my straighteners/have her friend stay etc. Just a bit of a kick in the arse to be honest. One poster said to say it to her to clarify whether it would be okay in the future, to be honest I wouldn't even ask her now i'd prefer just to keep my room to myself and vice versa if she feels this way.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

I disagree. If I was in a hurry and I got a text like that I'd ask the same. If they replied with "well the problem is that the ceiling fell in in my room so my bed is unusable" or some other problem, then yeah go ahead, it's a once off.
If it's "well I just wanted to as i'm having friends over", that's different.

It doesn't mean she knew why, it could have been anything so she asked. And just because you've no problem sharing a bed out, doesn't mean she has to have no problem.
Especially since it could have simply been a case of getting her period that morning like someone else said, or something else she was embarrassed about.

.

You're right it isn't how they carry on - and I'm referring to your behaviour here. You overreacted to a simple question and then instead of discussing it with her, as friends do, you've decided to sulk and never let her friends use your room. Now you don't have to let them, but playing at silly games about a misunderstood situation is not on.
It is entirely reasonable that she wouldn't have known why you asked - just because you knew why you asked doesn't mean she did.

Once again I would suggest you ask her calmly.


It's not insulting. You're being a bit childish here, and all because you don't even know why she said no.

She lets everyone sleep in her bed, I don't

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for your responses. I just don't think someone should able to use my room for whatever purpose and then have an attitude when they're asked if they'd mind if I could jump into her bed. I'm not going to bring it up with her i'm just going to keep my room to myself in future, I probably should have done this all along.

To the poster who said about blokes staying etc she didn't know he was staying and it wasn't for "those" reasons. She only knows him through my bf.

Slightlyinsulted

Slightlyinsulted wrote: »

She lets everyone sleep in her bed, I don't

It doesn't matter if she lets the world and its mother sleep in her bed, it's HER BED. You have no entitlement to it regardless of who else does.

and then have an attitude

She didn't have an attitude, she asked why.
Your own reaction to this is over the top and bizarre

ztoical

Slightlyinsulted wrote: »

Thanks guys for your responses. I just don't think someone should able to use my room for whatever purpose and then have an attitude when they're asked if they'd mind if I could jump into her bed. I'm not going to bring it up with her i'm just going to keep my room to myself in future, I probably should have done this all along.

To the poster who said about blokes staying etc she didn't know he was staying and it wasn't for "those" reasons. She only knows him through my bf.

Not the most mature view but if that is the route you want to go thats your choice.

Regarding the blokes staying over we are not psychic and know all the ins and outs of your and her relationships to people, we can only base replies based on information posted. You still never answered regarding the friends of hers you'd let stay in your room if you'd been given advice notice or not which I think is the issue here with this girl. Getting a text late at night asking to crash in her bed when she didn't knew in advance I'm not surprised she asked you not to. Her text was not insulting or rude no matter how you want to view it.

Frankly the more you post regarding the whole bed situation with other people staying over it does sound like you caught her off guard and she'd left her bed in some state that she didn't want other people see esp someone she has to live with and your now making a mountain out of a mole hill.

LegacyUser

ztoical wrote: »

Not the most mature view but if that is the route you want to go thats your choice. Regarding the blokes staying over we are not psychic and know all the ins and outs of your and her relationships to people, we can only base replies based on information posted. You still never answered regarding the friends of hers you'd let stay in your room if you'd been given advice notice or not which I think is the issue here with this girl. Getting a text late at night asking to crash in her bed when she didn't knew in advance I'm not surprised she asked you not to. Her text was not insulting or rude no matter how you want to view it.

Frankly the more you post regarding the whole bed situation with other people staying over it does sound like you caught her off guard and she'd left her bed in some state that she didn't want other people see esp someone she has to live with and your now making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I'm just of the opinon that friendships/houseshares should be about give and take that's why i'm going down this route. I had said her friend could stay in my bed. It wasn't a late text I text her early on in the evening. her bed wasn't in a state I'd left her clean laundry folded and on her bed (as we always do) and her room was perfect. As you've said it's her bed and she's entitled to her boundaries, I won't ask her again.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

It doesn't matter if she lets the world and its mother sleep in her bed, it's HER BED. You have no entitlement to it regardless of who else does.


She didn't have an attitude, she asked why.
Your own reaction to this is over the top and bizarre

She didn't ask why she said what's the problem?

LegacyUser

I'd be afraid to move in with someone like you. Someone who obviously can not understand normal boundaries in a house share, and then sort of using the 'eye for an eye' method when realising other people need their privacy and deciding not to let them use their room. It is very childish of you to say you are just going to keep your room to yourself now, as if that is some sort of revenge, even though you previously felt allright having had her friends use your room. Or maybe the problem is you have let her friends use your room without having felt allright about, only because you think that is what friends do. Then you need to start saying no when something doesn't feel allright for you, instead of expecting others to give up on themselves as you have done.

dub_3

ztoical wrote: »

Frankly the more you post regarding the whole bed situation with other people staying over it does sound like you caught her off guard and she'd left her bed in some state that she didn't want other people see esp someone she has to live with and your now making a mountain out of a mole hill.

You caught her off guard, she said no, she owes you no explanation whatsoever for that.

Had you apologised to her for putting her on the spot, most likely she would have said sorry too (probably she's embarrassed about the state of her room or whatever it was that caused her to have to say no.)

And most likely she'd say 'Give me a bit of notice next time'

But you don't want to go down that route, so tell her to stay out of your room and you won't ever go into hers and there'll be no future misunderstandings. (and most likely you've lost a friend)

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

I don't think you're overreacting. I would be offended too.

I agree that nobody has a 'right' to anyone's bed, but the issue here seems to be that specifically you were not allowed in hers.

I also think you have been given some unfair responses on here. While I can understand that she may not have wanted anyone in her room, I genuinely do see where you are coming from - especially when you have been good to her and she considers you to be a close friend.

LegacyUser

what is the problem? wrote: »

I'd be afraid to move in with someone like you. Someone who obviously can not understand normal boundaries in a house share, and then sort of using the 'eye for an eye' method when realising other people need their privacy and deciding not to let them use their room. It is very childish of you to say you are just going to keep your room to yourself now, as if that is some sort of revenge, even though you previously felt allright having had her friends use your room. Or maybe the problem is you have let her friends use your room without having felt allright about, only because you think that is what friends do. Then you need to start saying no when something doesn't feel allright for you, instead of expecting others to give up on themselves as you have done.

That's complete BS. I understand boundaries just fine, we're not just housemates, we're friends. I would hate to think if my friend was stuck i'd turn them down to crash in my bed. It's not about revenge, that's silly. It's about not being made a mug of when we're clearly not on the same page. Why would I let someone use my room or stay in my bed when i'm very fussy about that to begin with when they wouldn't do the same for me?

LegacyUser

pollysocket wrote: »

Hi OP.

I don't think you're overreacting. I would be offended too.

I agree that nobody has a 'right' to anyone's bed, but the issue here seems to be that specifically you were not allowed in hers.

I also think you have been given some unfair responses on here. While I can understand that she may not have wanted anyone in her room, I genuinely do see where you are coming from - especially when you have been good to her and she considers you to be a close friend.

Yes, no one has a right to anyones bed I agree, it does seem like it's just me specifically which I do find hurful and insulting. If it was just a houseshare with someone I just "got on with" and didn't socialise with, confide in etc not in a million years would I dream of asking them could I use their room.

Slightlyinsulted

Slightlyinsulted wrote: »

She didn't ask why she said what's the problem?

You wrote:
"Honestly, i'd prefer if you didn't ,why what's the problem?"."
that says why.
Obviously you don't just randomly sleep in her bed, so of course there has to be something up if you want to. Hence the "what's the problem" bit. She's showing concern.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

You wrote:
"Honestly, i'd prefer if you didn't ,why what's the problem?"."
that says why.
Obviously you don't just randomly sleep in her bed, so of course there has to be something up if you want to. Hence the "what's the problem" bit. She's showing concern.

She knew the girl was coming over she knows I snore like a freight train, she would have copped it, concern would be "is everything okay" not "whats the problem"

ztoical

Slightlyinsulted wrote: »

That's complete BS. I understand boundaries just fine, we're not just housemates, we're friends. I would hate to think if my friend was stuck i'd turn them down to crash in my bed. It's not about revenge, that's silly. It's about not being made a mug of when we're clearly not on the same page. Why would I let someone use my room or stay in my bed when i'm very fussy about that to begin with when they wouldn't do the same for me?

Has she come back from her weekend away and been given the chance to explain her reasons? I would assume as friends you are able to talk as adults rather then going straight to the childish I'm not sharing anymore fit.

LegacyUser

ztoical wrote: »

Has she come back from her weekend away and been given the chance to explain her reasons? I would assume as friends you are able to talk as adults rather then going straight to the childish I'm not sharing anymore fit.

Yes she has and she hasn't said anything about it.

LegacyUser

<snip>

"she didnt let me stay in her bed, thats not on, she asked me "whats the problem" etc".

You are acting like you have full entitlement to her bed, to her room, to everything. She's not even there and you are acting like a spolit kid because she objects to someone going into her room when she is not there and sleeping there. For all she knows you're going to be banging your boyfriend in her bed. I'm sure she would enjoy the resulting stains on the sheets.

<snip>. You are getting needlessly emotional and it's pretty pathetic that you are now going into the childish tantrum "we're not friends" mode with her which will no doubt make things awkward in the house. Just remember that you are not entitled to go into her room when she is not there. The fact that you can't even see what is wrong with that is pretty shocking.

LegacyUser

childishOP wrote: »

<snip>

"she didnt let me stay in her bed, thats not on, she asked me "whats the problem" etc".

You are acting like you have full entitlement to her bed, to her room, to everything. She's not even there and you are acting like a spolit kid because she objects to someone going into her room when she is not there and sleeping there. For all she knows you're going to be banging your boyfriend in her bed. I'm sure she would enjoy the resulting stains on the sheets.
<snip> You are getting needlessly emotional and it's pretty pathetic that you are now going into the childish tantrum "we're not friends" mode with her which will no doubt make things awkward in the house. Just remember that you are not entitled to go into her room when she is not there. The fact that you can't even see what is wrong with that is pretty shocking.

Now you're just making stuff up I wouldn't dream of sleeping with my bf in anyone else bed but my own and he's in a different country at the mo. I never said "we're not friends". She goes into my room when i'm not there so that's a bit of a non-argument.

albeit

Slightlyinsulted wrote: »

That's complete BS. I understand boundaries just fine, we're not just housemates, we're friends. I would hate to think if my friend was stuck i'd turn them down to crash in my bed. It's not about revenge, that's silly. It's about not being made a mug of when we're clearly not on the same page. Why would I let someone use my room or stay in my bed when i'm very fussy about that to begin with when they wouldn't do the same for me?

I am starting to understand where you are coming from, OP. You have ignored your own feelings of awkwardness when it comes to letting friends of hers stay in your room, in order to be a 'good friend' who shares. You are in fact "very fussy" about this, but will not allow yourself show this, because you want to be the 'good friend', after all this girl has called you her "best friend". Now, all of a sudden, this girl thinks she has the right to express HER feelings of fussyness when it comes to letting people stay in her room... Shouldn't she also agree to this just as you have, even though you didn't feel good about it? Shouldn't she also put your friendship first and her own feelings second? The answer is no, putting your own feelings second will never make you a good friend, not in the long run, as youwill sooner or later become bitter, as your posting in this thread has proven.

spinandscribble

I sort of see where you're coming from as you think since you've let her use your bed so should think she should do the same. Its a simple logic but not correct.

I'm curious, Did she ask you or did you offer to let her use your bed?

Lately my housemate has a friend over every odd weekend and there's always a pause after i tell her i'm gone for the weekend home, I thought I was imagining it but when my sister came to visit and my housemate was going home that weekend she quick as a flash offered to let my sister use it.

I said no thank you for two reasons

1: I knew a situation like the one you find yourself in might develop
2: No matter who is using the room if anything is even slightly out of place or she can't find it some day the finger of blame will automatically go your way.

Now i know she was being nice but I honestly couldn't deal with the stress of it and personally I would hate for anyone to be in my room when i'm not there.

I agree as someone else said, put someone else first only if you can deal with them not doing likewise.

LegacyUser

I think most posters are being too harsh on the OP. All this talk of boundaries when the friend obviously didn't consider it overstepping boundaries when she asked for use of the OP's bed.

If there were extenuating circumstances, i.e. something embarrassing hanging around, the friend should have explained. "I know you've let my friends use your room and it might seem strange that I didn't let you use mine, but this morning........(insert reason here)." Without providing a reason, the friend is employing a double standard; "What's yours in ours and what's mine is mine."

And, honestly, it might be spiteful for you to refuse use of your bed in future but entirely understandable.

I agree with most of the posters. You're behaving horribly, OP. Do you not see that sending someone a text when they aren't there is majorly putting them on the spot? It's a totally different situation to asking in advance and giving the person at least time to give their room a once-over. I am quite messy and I would usually leave my room in a bit of a state in the mornings, as of course, I have the right to. I certainly don't expect anyone to be using it. I'd want a chance to hide away valuables/letters/personal stuff. I'm a bit OCD germ wise and I would definitely want to change the sheets after someone else slept in them, so I'd need to have fresh ones ready, etc. If you had sent me that text, I would have almost definitely said no, regardless of how many times you'd offered me your room. You're being totally unfair.

tinkerbell

OP, it is her bed, not yours. You need to get over yourself. Just because you think it is ok to let your friend sleep in her bed, doesn't mean your flatmate has to be. I can't believe how worked up you're getting over this. Your flatmate is not obligated to let your friends sleep in her bed. Stop acting so immature - there are plenty of reasons why she wouldn't want your friends sleeping in her bed.

And so what if she lets her friends stay in her bed? That's her business. Just because she allows her friends to stay over, doesn't mean she has to let your friends stay over too. And quite frankly, it is none of your business who she allows stay in her bed and who she doesn't and what those reasons may be. You are being completely unreasonable and thinking of nobody but yourself here.

fieryfox

I don't think she was wrong to not let you sleep in her bed. I mean you sent her a text message so there was anoption for her to say no.

I personally would hate any of my friends sleeping in my bed. Bed is such a personal space and zone. Thinking about it, you spend what 8 hours a day in bed .... your bed .... I think thats like putting on someones socks after they've been towork in them allday !!!! Weird comparison, but thats what i reckon.

And on the you didn't mind her friend staying in your bed ... well she asked and you had the option of saying yes or no too!

Katgurl

if i asked someone a question (eg. can my friend sleep in your bed) and they said yes I would assume they didn't mind. If they did mind I would expect them to say no and i would be perfectly fine.

Likewise if someone asked me I would assume a yes or no answer would suffice.

Seriously OP, why can't you consider it was nothign to do with you and entirely some other reason (the sheets etc) that prompted the refusal (which wasnt even outright refusal, just a preference statement)?

Myself and extremely close friend lived together last year. She never minded me going into her room (we clarified this) but understood sometimes my room really messy & i'd be embarrassed. she often texted and asked about using the bed, depending on state of room i'd say yes or no. Either response always fine, that's why she was comfortable asking the question.

I can tell you if some sort of explanation / apology had been expected on my return it would have been a shortlived friendship.

You deciding to retaliate with a new set of unnecessary boundaries as a consequence is so petty and spiteful its beyond belief. Not everyone is the same. I always told flatmates they could eat my food because it didn't bother me but that i didn't take that as an invitation to eat theirs.

zxcvbnm1

Op - for the record I completely see where you are coming from and I would also not offer up my bed in future.

Firstly - as other posters state, there could be some other reason. But it's highly unlikely.
We have to assume she was more than likely being awkward.

I don't understand how so many other posters are giving out about your reaction.

There is no way any human wouldn't feel hard done by in the situation.

She implicitly - and presumably knowingly - allowed you believe there was a mutual understanding re boundaries. Something which in turn naturally reflects the kind if friendship you both have.

Zen65

Hi Op,

I think your friend replied in a polite tone, and it does seem to me that you're reacting in a somewhat unfriendly way. You knew that it was appropriate for you to ask the question of her, so it seems most unreasonable of you not to respect the answer.

We don't know why she said she'd prefer you didn't use it. One thought that occurs to me though, ... are you a smoker by any chance?

Be at peace,

Z

ztoical

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

Firstly - as other posters state, there could be some other reason. But it's highly unlikely.
We have to assume she was more than likely being awkward

Why are we assuming this? Why is it so highly unlikely that she didn't have a good reason for not wanting someone sleeping in her bed other then being 'awkward'? We only have the OP's view point and there could frankly be loads of reasons someone might not want someone crashing in their bed at a given time. The OP says she had clean sheets left on her bed she did not say she had put said sheets on the bed, also if the OP slept in the bed then the flatmate would need to change her sheets and maybe she didn't have any more clean ones. Was the OP going to wash her sheets after sleeping in her bed?

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

There is no way any human wouldn't feel hard done by in the situation.

She implicitly - and presumably knowingly - allowed you believe there was a mutual understanding re boundaries. Something which in turn naturally reflects the kind if friendship you both have.

Hard done? How has the OP been hard done? The flatmates text message was in no way rude. She stated she'd prefer the OP didn't sleep in her bed and asked for clarification as to why the OP might need to crash in her bed...out of interest OP did you ever bother to reply to her after that text?

If this "mutual understanding" was so implicitly understood by both parties why did the OP need to ask at all?