The Secret Footballer - What Players Really Think Of Pundits

Paully D

An excellent read this, from The Guardian's secret footballer:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2011/jan/29/secret-footballer-andy-gray-pundits

What if Sky Sports offered me Andy Gray's job? Not a chance. Let me tell you something, football pundits are universally despised by players and not just because at some point in the past they would have been on the receiving end of criticism themselves.

It doesn't matter what you've done in the game, where you've played, what you might have won or how much money you earned – pundits are held in the same regard by players as female assistant referees once were at Sky.

And while on that subject, prepare to be disappointed. While I found the whole episode with Gray and Richard Keys at Molineux cringeworthy, inside the world of football nobody is particularly bothered. Don't interpret that as evidence that players are condoning Gray and Keys for their behaviour. It's more a case that most of my team-mates would have no interest in listening to anything pundits say in the first place.

There's no obvious reason why those sat on the sofa are thought of in such low terms, but it may have something to do with a sense that they are going against the inner sanctum that we pretend we are a part of. Perhaps, subconsciously, it tugs at those still playing, who realise the ex-players know things about them that they probably wish they didn't.

Their new position of influence over millions of people is a little uncomfortable for some, I'm sure, and their failure to go the extra mile when analysing matches can also grate.

Switch to our world and the level of detail that goes into games still, to this day, amazes me. Every player has his own script, what to do, when to do it, information on the player he's up against, including weight, height, age, strengths, weaknesses, even what that opponent is likely to do when the ball comes to him in certain situations. We memorise every single set piece, where we have to stand, run and end up. We even memorise this for the other players so we know where everyone else will be at any given time.

You know that pass when you say to yourself: "How did he spot that?" Often he didn't need to; he knew the player would be there because, the night before in the hotel, he read about the runs he would be making.

It's exactly the same pass after which sometimes you might find yourself saying: "Who was that to?" The receiving player either forgot to be there or was taken out of the game by a tactical manoeuvre by his opposite number.

Football at this level is very chess-like, maybe not to those outside of football but certainly to those inside. I sometimes wonder whether it's more enjoyable playing lower down the leagues. After all, who wants to play chess?

With top-level football being so complex, it is very difficult to deconstruct a live game within a couple of minutes of it being over, and because of this the "analysis" is usually reduced to goals and individual performance. But the fact that many pundits don't even try to scratch beneath the surface, despite knowing what it takes to win a match at this level, annoys me. It's the trivialisation of what we do by people that we used to call our own and, more importantly, deprives the viewer of some very interesting tit-bits that would, I feel, add to the entertainment.

Anyone can navigate a giant iPad, sliding faces of famous players around with their pinkie while throwing out phrases like "Third man run" and other such rubbish. What particularly riles me is when you hear a pundit or co-commentator say something like, "I can't understand, Martin, why Drogba is not on the post here. That header would have fallen to him and if I'm Petr Cech I'm saying: 'Go on son, clear that off the line for me!'"

The fact is corners are routinely cleared by a man stationed on the six-yard line, exactly where Chelsea position Didier Drogba. If somebody scores inside that post it is for no other reason than a player having lost his man. That is the mistake. If there is a player on the post he will clear one, possibly two shots off the line a season. If that same player stands on the six-yard line he will probably clear 100 corners away over the course of the season.

The worst thing, though, is when this dross gets into popular culture and my friends start saying stupid things to me like, "We should have a man on the post, our manager doesn't know what he's doing", just because it sounds like the right thing to say. It's such an easy way of analysing that it infuriates me. It's lazy and it takes you, the viewer, for a fool. But, then again, Sky is an expert in creating a villain.

barryd09

Punditry will suit Jamie Carragher to a tee.

Paully D

Any idea who the secret footballer might be? It's a very well written piece, so it's obviously an intelligent player, so that narrows down the list quite a lot.

David James? Nedum Onouha? Marcus Hahnemann? Wayne Rooney?

3hn2givr7mx1sc

I'd say it's a British player over the age of 28.
Lampard, Terry, Scholes, Giggs, Gerrard, Carragher?

Intelligence would also be needed, though so you could rule out at least 3 of them I'd say.:P

Zebra3

I'm surprised so many people were ever impressed with Gray.

Never had any interest in listening to him.

mike65

Excellent article and potential series, one that has me wondering who it is - David James has a semi-regular column though the writing style is not the same. I hope the Guardians own scribblers take a moment to read it as they are as culpable as any with regard to lack of analytical insight, prefering to concentrate on "headline" incidents and "what this result tells us about teams X fortunes for the season" type nonsense.

tim_holsters

Gray is (was) a good summarizer but anytime Keys appeared on the screen I would reflexively change channels.

Pauleta

Most things pundits say are stupid. I heard somebody mention about Man United's comebacks of late are down to Fergies never say die spirit. At the start of the season when they were conceding late goals was that down to Fergies complacent attitute???????? People should start analysing some of the crap they come out with. If you really think about the things they say, it truly is baffling.

barryd09

baz2009 wrote: »

I'd say it's a British player over the age of 28.
Lampard, Terry, Scholes, Giggs, Gerrard, Carragher?

Intelligence would also be needed, though so you could rule out at least 3 of them I'd say.:P

It aint scholes or giggs,not their style.

Paully D

Apparently Mourinho was doing some punditry on Portuguese TV during Euro 2004 and blew away everyone else in the studio and those watching with his analysis of the game.

It'd be a joy to watch someone like him doing analysis, but Sky have an agenda and we'll probably never get the chance.

tim_holsters

O/T but Michel Salgado's column in Four Four Two is a good read.

yahoo_moe

Pundits aren't analysing for people who spend hours a week online posting about the game, looking at stats and reading Zonal Marking though. I can see the need for them to simplify things to an extent - but I haven't paid any attention to pre- or post-match analysis for ages because it's so repetitive.

In the last 12-18 months, I've seen one great piece of analysis that taught me something (from Hansen) and that's it.

Hadn't known about these articles, looking forward to more - cheers Paully.

Mars Bar

Paully D wrote: »

Apparently Mourinho was doing some punditry on Portuguese TV during Euro 2004 and blew away everyone else in the studio and those watching with his analysis of the game.

It'd be a joy to watch someone like him doing analysis, but Sky have an agenda and we'll probably never get the chance.

I would love to see Mourinho do punditry. Knowledgeable and handsome!

Eirebear

No one even cose to thinking that this piece might be ghostwritten lads?

Which is kind of ironic really.

tim_holsters

Eirebear wrote: »

No one even cose to thinking that this piece might be ghostwritten lads?

Which is kind of ironic really.

Well of course it's ghostwritten and I think this is the 2nd or 3rd article.

You think the articles are less valid because they are ghostwritten?

Eirebear

tim_holsters wrote: »

Well of course it's ghostwritten and I think this is the 2nd or 3rd article.

You think the articles are less valid because they are ghostwritten?

Not at all, I was simply pointing it out to the people who were wondering who the player was due to it being extremely well written.

That and the fact that a football player would need someone who analyses the game for a living to help him point out the fact that football analysts are a bit ****....

tim_holsters

Eirebear wrote: »

Not at all, I was simply pointing it out to the people who were wondering who the player was due to it being extremely well written.

That and the fact that a football player would need someone who analyses the game for a living to help him point out the fact that football analysts are a bit ****....

Righto.

niallk

I'd say it's a defender, given his reference in his first column to Blackberry owners usually being defenders. Seemed to be implying that defenders are more thoughtful/intelligent. Also, when talking about player instructions he gave more details on defence. It seems to me like he's probably in a top 6 club. Probably British/Irish, though he could have a ghost writer/good translator. Very possibly a goalkeeper, who are natural observers. Also possible, he's retired as he makes a reference to "those still playing" and not "those of us still playing".

Pauleta

Clarke Carlisle seems like a clever lad. Him or David James would be my bet.

greendom

Good shout for David James, but does he not already have another weekly article for another paper ?

ricero

gary neville should be a pundit and during Christmas do panto as the villain

everdead.ie

I wouldn't be surprised if it was someone like Robbie Savage

massdebater

It's Dean Windass

homolumo

massdebater wrote: »

It's Dean Windass

Yeah has to be, with special input i.e. grammar and spelling from Paul Merson.

Ordinary man

barryd09 wrote: »

Punditry will suit Jamie Carragher to a tee.

Nobody would understand a word he way saying unless it had subtitles. Besides there's enough ex liverpool players who aren't good enough to manage pretending they're pundits - hansen, lawenson, houghton, beglin and mc manaman

fullstop

Ordinary man wrote: »

Nobody would understand a word he way saying unless it had subtitles. Besides there's enough ex liverpool players who aren't good enough to manage pretending they're pundits - hansen, lawenson, houghton, beglin and mc manaman

You forgot the worst of the lot....Thompson.

jackthelad321

I agree with some previous poster(s), my instinct was it would be a big club player, as the writer seemed to be very proud of playing at such a top level and I imagine a big club player would feel it within his rights to comment. Also most probably a defender, or defensive minded player, as the analysis seemed to lean towards that. It's very well written, again I think even a professional writer would have to edit and tighten a piece up to make it flow, so I would expect an editior at the guardian or someone had alook over it just to tighten up some grammar and all that stuff. I think if the player is still playing he's 30 or over, or just recently retired.

for a guess i'd go with someone like Ryan Giggs or Frank Lampard. Seem like lads with good morals and also good readers of the game. Though Lampard implying his cousin is a twonk might be a little unlikely.

wouldn't it be great if it turned out to be someone who really really seems retarded, like Rooney or Diouf (if he's still in the league somewhere)

EDIT: I have to laugh at my choice of ''defensive'' minded players. Oh lord.

tommyhaas

If its in the Guardian it has to be Graeme LeSaux

Kells...

I think its Frank Lampard hes suppose to be smart.

Mister men

tim_holsters wrote: »

Gray is (was) a good summarizer but anytime Keys appeared on the screen I would reflexively change channels.

Andy Gray said Messi would'nt like playing againest Stoke City. I rest my case.

3hn2givr7mx1sc

Mister men wrote: »

Andy Gray said Messi would'nt like playing againest Stoke City. I rest my case.

How do you know for definate that Messi would enjoy playing against Stoke City?

tim_holsters

Mister men wrote: »

Andy Gray said Messi would'nt like playing againest Stoke City. I rest my case.

What is your case?

Paparazzo

Footballers don't help themselves by doing cliche ridden post match interviews. And they never ever criticize pundits. This interview is the exception.

Another thing is, Johnny Giles is highly regarded as a pundit by lots of fans. This is the guy that thinks managers make no difference and players should be told to just go out and play. Maybe he should read the OP's post to familiarize himself with the modern game

tim_holsters

Paparazzo wrote: »

Footballers don't help themselves by doing cliche ridden post match interviews. And they never ever criticize pundits. This interview is the exception.

Another thing is, Johnny Giles is highly regarded as a pundit by lots of fans. This is the guy that thinks managers make no difference and players should be told to just go out and play. Maybe he should read the OP's post to familiarize himself with the modern game

Giles definitely knows the game modern or not. I take your point but to say Giles thinks managers make no difference is a bit simplistic.

flahavaj

Paully D wrote: »

Any idea who the secret footballer might be? It's a very well written piece, so it's obviously an intelligent player, so that narrows down the list quite a lot.

David James? Nedum Onouha? Marcus Hahnemann? Wayne Rooney?

I think it might be Danny Murphy.

Paully D

flahavaj wrote: »

I think it might be Danny Murphy.

Aye, could be a good shout. I was obviously joking when I said Wayne Rooney but the other three (Onouha the least likely of those but he's a very intelligent and well spoken man) I mentioned are definitely a possibility too.

tim_holsters

Yeah Danny Murphy is a good shout. I hadn't thought of him yet, sounds the most plausible guess so far.

We can rule him out so.

eZe^

Brilliant read, probably the most interesting sports piece I've read in weeks. Hopefully the next article will be as interesting. Cheers OP.

Seaneh

its a goal keeper. My guess would be one of the elder statesmen. Maybe Brad Freidel, David James, Marc Schwerzer(sp?) or even one of the Nordic keepers in the PL.

Seaneh

whoever it was, is an fluent, long term english speaker.

Kells...

There where alot of references to Chelsea.

Blackhorse Slim

Assuming these are more or less his own words, we are looking at a very well-educated footballer. That and the fact that he uses the word "pinkie" suggests an American - it would be very unusual for a Brit to use that word for the little finger. That and him getting annoyed by pundits not knowing to defend a corner suggests Brad Friedel to me.

CorkMan

One thing I noticed about the grammar is that "And" formed the start of the third paragraph. You don't start a sentence, need I say a paragraph, with "And".

Anyways, I reckon Carlos Tevez wrote it.

dannydiamond

Blackhorse Slim wrote: »

it would be very unusual for a Brit to use that word for the little finger.

Eh? No it wouldn't.

SRFC90

I'm almost certain it's Bébé.

davyjose

Michael Owen

Vurnon San Benito

Fairly sure that would be Robbie Savage, not the first time he has said something along those lines - obviously not at that length!

eagle eye

If somebody came on this forum and said they were talking to a footballer who said all that stuff, they would get the response 'name or gtfo'. Newspapers should be held to the same standards.

This is the Guardian, the same paper that fooled people the other day with their 5.30 major exclusive or whatever they called it.

I'm not saying its not true but I'm very skeptical of anything the Guardian does these days. And my opinion didn't just suddenly change the other day, they have been very dodgy for the past 12 months.

bamboozling

Actually about that Guardian exclusive and I don't think its been picked up much is that about 2 hours after their non event exclusive Chelsea put in a bid for Torres. Ironic enough I thought because that would have been a real story.

greendom

eagle eye wrote: »

If somebody came on this forum and said they were talking to a footballer who said all that stuff, they would get the response 'name or gtfo'. Newspapers should be held to the same standards.

This is the Guardian, the same paper that fooled people the other day with their 5.30 major exclusive or whatever they called it.

I'm not saying its not true but I'm very skeptical of anything the Guardian does these days. And my opinion didn't just suddenly change the other day, they have been very dodgy for the past 12 months.

They're in a bit of a difficult position - if the footballer has to be named then he won't be able to come up with any interesting stories. So I suppose if you're not happy with that you shouldn't pay any attention to it.

Personally, I'd still trust the Guardian over nearly every other publication. Some great stuff in there yesterday - great interview with Lee Clarke and a interesting piece on the highly productive academy at Southampton.

flahavaj

eagle eye wrote: »

If somebody came on this forum and said they were talking to a footballer who said all that stuff, they would get the response 'name or gtfo'. Newspapers should be held to the same standards.

This is the Guardian, the same paper that fooled people the other day with their 5.30 major exclusive or whatever they called it.

I'm not saying its not true but I'm very skeptical of anything the Guardian does these days. And my opinion didn't just suddenly change the other day, they have been very dodgy for the past 12 months.

They didn't really fool anyone the other day though, the internet just got all worked up because we're all transfer muppets at heart.

I have no bother with the anonymity of the writer, especially if it means they write what they really think.