Is Mr Right wrong for me?

allovertheshop

met a guy. really good looking, gorgeous smile, tall, interested in me ,did i mention gorgeous? but apart from physical features he's so well mannered, he goes out of his way to help me with stuff, he's gentle and kind and listens...sometimes too carefully! he always compliments me on how i look and makes me feel so good about myself...

BUT...I've just found out that he's 7 years younger than me, (i'm early 30's, he's mid twenties). he's unemployed-well actually has never really had a proper job as he dropped out of school when he was 15 without any sort of qualification and lives off the social. he lives at home with his parents and as he lives in town, doesn't own a car. he has told me that he's been in trouble with the gardai in the past but nothing too serious as he puts it (to me, any contact with gardai is too much contact).

I really like this guy and it's only early stages but he says he really likes me too. the question is, can this really go anywhere? Am i being too superficial in thinking about things like money and prospects?

Monkey Allen

I think you're stuck on some standards you set yourself at some point in the past.

tenchi-fan

Handsome, charming, good listener, etc.. and why wouldn't he be? He has no qualifications, no work ethic, no ambition and no prospects.. He knows which side his bread is buttered and he can't live with his parents forever. You sound like you should have more sense.. I'm not trying to be offensive, but "he's pretty and makes me feel good" just doesn't cut it!

You shouldn't be superficial and hung up on money, but at the same time you don't want someone who relies on you for money (or cinema tickets, or meals out, or lifts!). Look for a guy who shows he can stand on his own two feet.

My advice is enjoy the ride but don't get too serious because he certainly won't.

As for his "trouble with the gardai".. I'm guessing it's just general messing like public order offences, but it could easily be drugs, theft or assault. Try to find out before you get into a relationship.

Distorted

Age gap - not a problem.
Well mannered, gentle, kind - sounds great (though if you find him a bit too attentive at this stage it could get annoying).
Never had a job, still lives at home with parents, no qualifications - big problem.
Contact with the gardai - find out what type of "contact" exactly.

My fears with this one would be that you would become such an important part of your life, he might be one of those that turns really controlling and obsessive.

My other concern is that he is looking on you as the golden ticket, the way out of living at home with his parents (do you have your own place and a good job?)

What does he do all day? Does he do voluntary work, or is he getting qualficications to get into further study? Does he do sport?

ilovefridays

OMG, Just reading your post sounds like mirror image of a situation i was in 8yrs ago, i met a guy really good looking, gorgeous smile, tall, interested in me (or so i thought), he was 3yrs younger than me , he too lived in town was unemployed, NEVER had a job ever, lived at home with his mother and didnt own a car either. i had a job and a car, and he thought this was great. he always sponged money off me and i chauffeured him around-worse fool me, and this guy was always in troube with the gardai, he used to call himself a walking charge sheet and was somewhat proud of it
I only lasted 6 weeks with him thank God. but like you i thought he was great, but realised we both had different ideas of life, and i knew id never have a future with him. he wanted to sponge off the state for the rest of his life. I went down a better road than that, and when i look back, cringe and look at my life now and all ive achieved and am delighted i went down the right road:)

thats just my story, everyones situation is different , he might turn out to be decent, but just be careful, watch out for little signs;) and good luck

Monkey Allen

But the OP never said the guy sponges off her.

astra2000

Monkey Allen wrote: »

But the OP never said the guy sponges off her.

Mmm but he does sponge off the state and his parents and appears contented to do so.
Op lovely and all as this guy sounds I cant see you respecting him for too much longer if he continues like this and you need a lot of respect for each other in a relationship. I thik you shoud be honest with him about your concerns, who knows it may be the kick up the butt he needs.

allovertheshop

Hi, OP here,

Thanks for all the advice. Just to answer a few queries, i do have my own place and i have a good job. He's never asked for money from me but then we've not known each other for too long so ...

he talks about jobs that he's like to do but, with no qualifications, i can't see how he'll ever manage to get working in any area he mentions, and i can't see him going back to school at this stage. He doesn't do any voluntary work or play any sports...don't really know how he spends most of his days apart from sometimes minding his two neices for his brother.

I don't mind paying for the odd pint or cinema outing but i don't want it to become a regular or expected occurance.

I just keep thinking, if it was the other way around and I was a guy in early 30's going out with a girl in early 20's with no job, etc would anyone bat an eyelid? I've already got grief off one friend because i mentioned to her that i collected him and brought him to the cinema on sunday night and I paid for the tickets too. my argument was - i had a really nice evening with someone i like

maybe i'm just fooling myself and i should just move on...

tenchi-fan

allovertheshop wrote: »

i collected him and brought him to the cinema on sunday night and I paid for the tickets too.

You mean he's already taken money off you? Has he no shame. He lives at home and doesn't drive a car.. assuming he's 25 he'll also get the full rate on the dole. What does he do with his money that he feels it's acceptable to mooch off you?

Monkey Allen

tenchi-fan wrote: »

You mean he's already taken money off you? Has he no shame. He lives at home and doesn't drive a car.. assuming he's 25 he'll also get the full rate on the dole. What does he do with his money that he feels it's acceptable to mooch off you?

Harsh, he hasnt done that. The roles look a bit backwards I guess compared to the norm but if thats what the problem is, the OP should encourage him to spend his own money.

Sounds like a bit of nitpicking OP. You're questioning this because its not typically the situation you'd like it to be. If you feel like you cant ask him to pay for anything and he's ok with you paying for everything, welcome to the mans world.

I dont think its fair to call this guy a leech because he let you buy some cinema tickets.

I am a friend

well it wouldnt be for me... The lack of a focus in his life or a willingness to stick to something would annoy me. Is he happy to be on the dole for the rest of his days? Most people on the dole want to get off it and want to work but this guy seems to have no motivation to do so... thats what would put me off him.

mood

OP it not that he doesn't have a job now that worries me it's that he never had any job. You don't need a good education or qualifications to get a lot of job especially a couple of years ago. He could have got a job that didn't need any major skills. Has he ever done a FAS course or any thing to try to improve his situation?

Distorted

Monkey Allen wrote: »

But the OP never said the guy sponges off her.

Sometimes its easier to make these decisions at the outset, before you get too emotionally involved.

OP - if I had to collect and bring back and pay for the cinema tickets for my date, I would find it a bit off-putting. Note to Monkey Allan - I am not calling him a leech, I am just saying I would find it a bit off-putting. If I gave him a lift, I would expect him to pay for the tickets. I would only pay for it all if it was a close friend in straightened financial circumstances. In a romantic interest, it comes a bit too close to paying for their company somehow.

Actually, I would think the same about a woman in the same position - several years younger, no qualfications or ever had a job, going out with a richer, older man. I don't admire people who don't at least set themselves up in life with some career or trade, even if they later give it up for family or whatever. Admittedly, some guys want to go out with women who are younger and/or less financially well off than them. Maybe this is the case with the OP. If its not, then I think you might find it hard to keep respect for this guy. Or maybe the OP just wants a bit of fun when theres no-one else on the scene.

I mean, maybe it would work. Maybe he is such a nice person, you'll get really fond of him and be unable to live without him. But if you want to do anything like couples generally do, like go on holiday, stay in a nice hotel, you are probably going to have to pay for him.

OP - if another guy turned up, who you really fancied, had the same good points as this guy but who had a reasonably good job and lived away from home, would you be looking at this first guy?

Beruthiel

allovertheshop wrote: »

met a guy. really good looking, gorgeous smile, tall, interested in me ,did i mention gorgeous? but apart from physical features he's so well mannered, he goes out of his way to help me with stuff, he's gentle and kind and listens...sometimes too carefully! he always compliments me on how i look and makes me feel so good about myself...

He sounds great.

BUT...I've just found out that he's 7 years younger than me, (i'm early 30's, he's mid twenties).

Sounds like me when I met my hubby. I'm 8 years older than him, age doesn't come into it.

actually has never really had a proper job as he dropped out of school when he was 15 without any sort of qualification and lives off the social.

This is a big worry, in fact, I don't think I could get past that.
Plenty of people unemployed now so someone out of work this past while is well understandable.
BUT - in his twenties and still living off the dole and his parents.
He left school at 15.
At no point, over the last 10 years or so, did he ever make an effort to further his education or get a job doing manual labour.
There are thousands's of uneducated people in this world who have made an effort to get on in life and make something of themselves. To provide very well for themselves.
Your fella just couldn't be arsed. Actions speak louder than words OP and he has never made any real effort to make something of his life. If he hasn't done that since he dropped out of school, he's not going to suddenly change.
He maybe lovely now, but, the time will come when you will be very tired of that.

mood

Beruthiel wrote: »

He sounds great.



Sounds like me when I met my hubby. I'm 8 years older than him, age doesn't come into it.



This is a big worry, in fact, I don't think I could get past that.
Plenty of people unemployed now so someone out of work this past while is well understandable.
BUT - in his twenties and still living off the dole and his parents.
He left school at 15.
At no point, over the last 10 years or so, did he ever make an effort to further his education or get a job doing manual labour.
There are thousands's of uneducated people in this world who have made an effort to get on in life and make something of themselves. To provide very well for themselves.
Your fella just couldn't be arsed. Actions speak louder than words OP and he has never made any real effort to make something of his life. If he hasn't done that since he dropped out of school, he's not going to suddenly change.
He maybe lovely now, but, the time will come when you will be very tired of that.

Totally agree. If you continue to see him and the relationship were to become serious what sort of future would you have with him? Would you be happy to support him all your lives? What would happen if you had a family/wanted to buy a house etc?

He obviously is just unwilling to work. Poor education is no reason to never have had a job.

Danniboo

If anything I think you're being too superficial by thinking this guy is a potential partner just because he's good looking. Should someone having ambition intelligence and pride in themselves, not be more important. Trouble with the garda? Hmm sounds dodgy are you gonna overlook that aswell, if it was nothing serious such as a minor Road Traffic Offence wouldn't he have said that rather than leave you and your imagination to think the worst? you're gonna be either a very unhappy or very lonely woman if you go by looks alone.

Monkey Allen

I think there's too many unanswered questions and the OP should be looking to get answers before ruling him out. It's easy to class him as a deadbeat lazy twenty something who has a criminal record. But you can only get to know someone by asking questions. Making assumptions sends you in the other direction.

Be clear on where you stand in terms of paying for him but also give him a fair chance.

mood

Monkey Allen wrote: »

I think there's too many unanswered questions and the OP should be looking to get answers before ruling him out. It's easy to class him as a deadbeat lazy twenty something who has a criminal record. But you can only get to know someone by asking questions. Making assumptions sends you in the other direction.

Be clear on where you stand in terms of paying for him but also give him a fair chance.

I think the only unanswered question is why was he in trouble with the guards. He is using no qualifications as an excuse for never being employed which is bull. Not all jobs need qualifications.

Moomoo1

allovertheshop wrote: »

I just keep thinking, if it was the other way around and I was a guy in early 30's going out with a girl in early 20's with no job, etc would anyone bat an eyelid?

almost certainly not, no

It really all depends how much you are prepared to risk. If you feel that you are past 30 and it's your last chance to start a family then maybe find someone more financially secure.

If you feel that you still have a couple of years before that, then go for it - sure it might turn out wrong, but it also might turn out right - more right than with someone else.

Moomoo1

Monkey Allen wrote: »

I think there's too many unanswered questions and the OP should be looking to get answers before ruling him out. It's easy to class him as a deadbeat lazy twenty something who has a criminal record. But you can only get to know someone by asking questions. Making assumptions sends you in the other direction.

Be clear on where you stand in terms of paying for him but also give him a fair chance.

I agree

I was reading George Orwell's 'The road to Wigan pier' where he describes how an unemployed man's mind works. That sort of situation gets you down so much that you become very depressed and feel very worthless, which in turn makes you even less employable. It's a vicious cycle.

Bottom line is there are only so many jobs in our country and someone has to be unemployed.

Firetrap

The guy has never worked in his life. I know things are not good now but until a few years ago, anybody who wanted a job really could get one. He obviously didn't want one, never tried to do something about his lack of qualifications and is happy to drift along not doing much really. I don't know why but the word conman came to mind. Not necessarily because of what he might have been in trouble for but because he has managed to charm his way to this stage of his life relatively unscathed.

Monkey Allen

Firetrap wrote: »

The guy has never worked in his life. I know things are not good now but until a few years ago, anybody who wanted a job really could get one. He obviously didn't want one, never tried to do something about his lack of qualifications and is happy to drift along not doing much really. I don't know why but the word conman came to mind. Not necessarily because of what he might have been in trouble for but because he has managed to charm his way to this stage of his life relatively unscathed.

Charm his way onto the dole. Right.

Fluorescence

OP, the very fact that you used, "Mr Right" in the title suggests you're not simply looking for something casual with this guy. In that respect, I would say don't bother seeing him anymore. His seeming lack of ambition or drive in his life will probably be a major bone of contention for you further down the line, and may eventually be the reason ye break up anyway.

As for the contact with the Gardaí, I'd take what he said at face value: it was nothing serious, probably a long time ago.

LegacyUser

fluorescence wrote: »

OP, the very fact that you used, "Mr Right" in the title suggests you're not simply looking for something casual with this guy. In that respect, I would say don't bother seeing him anymore. His seeming lack of ambition or drive in his life will probably be a major bone of contention for you further down the line, and may eventually be the reason ye break up anyway.

As for the contact with the Gardaí, I'd take what he said at face value: it was nothing serious, probably a long time ago.

Maybe he convicted which might explain why he could never get a job.

I would run a mile.

tenchi-fan

jghkffy wrote: »

Maybe he convicted which might explain why he could never get a job.

I doubt it. Most places don't even do background checks and if the guy is so charming he could charm his way into a job.

The guy's just lazy. Left school at 15 and has spent the last 10 years living as a child.

His idea of a grown-up relationship is meeting a girl, doing romantic stuff, but maintaining his own childish lifestyle.

allovertheshop

Hey, OP here. thanks for all the replies and helpful advice but looks like the guy in question has taken things into his own hands and changed the whole situation.

He contacted me yesterday and asked for a break...not a break-up exactly but some time apart. He told me that he really likes me, so much so that he doesn't feel that he is good enough for me - he feels as if he has no prospects at the moment and feels guilty about the fact that i pay for things when we go out. he has said that he wants to take a few months to try and get his life on the right track. he has set a target of easter.

he told me that he'd completly understand if i meet someone else in the mean time but he's hoping that i'll give him a chance to prove himself.

I really hope he means it...as one poster said, it can be a vicious circle -no job, low self esteem, less chance of getting a job, even lower self esteem.

grungepants

I think you should disregard all typical social norm's.....People talk.....Sometimes even stare but it dosent matter as long as you have each other...nothing matters as long as you have each other.

This post better not get deleted this time i dont even know why mine was taken off the last time?

okiss

He is a few years younger than you - this would not stop me as I know several couples who are happy and there is an age difference.
He left school at 15, never had a job and has had problems with the guards.
Leaving school at 15 and having no job over the past 10 to 12 years when the job market was good up to about 2 years ago is dreadful. The trouble with the guards could be anything but it's not good.
This guy lives at home and he sees you as way of leaving mammy and daddy. Why would they have him living at home with no job and not putting money into the household at this stage of his life.
Don't waste time on this loser. Your worth more than this and he will drag you down if you let him.

beks101

I wouldn't hold out for him OP. His intentions are admirable, but I'd be very surprised if this guy did a complete 360 on a pattern of a lifetime in the space of a few months, because he feels a bit 'guilty' about the fact that his girlfriend is paying for everything.

Move on with your life and don't let him hold you back from meeting other people. I'm sure instinctively you want to give him a chance, but it takes more than a bit of lip service to get your life in gear and you don't want to fall into the pattern of holding out for him, taking him back, being let down, holding out again...you could waste years on this.

Wish him the best of luck, tell him his desire to change is great but that he shouldn't be doing it for you or your relationship; he should do it because he wants a better life for himself.

metrovelvet

When I was 19 I had a 21 year old male friend who was seeing a 45 year old woman. Now he was educated and all and he worked hard, but had no money. He often lived in rice and beans and macaroni and cheese and really struggled after college.

Eventually the finance gap did effect their relationship because they could not do the same things. He wanted to go out for pizza, and lets face it 45 year old successfull women do not want to have their dates in pizza joints. Now in the US it is conventional to pick up the tab on a date for the man. Only low lives dont and he knew that, and it really affected how he perceived his own status in the relationship and well.... things didint work out. He did advise me one day 'DONT EVER LET ANYONE ELSE PAY FOR ANYTHING!' I guess she threw it in his face or used it against him.

So, whether this guy is a deadbeat or not, there are already enough factors there to give you plenty of doubts.

Moomoo1

allovertheshop wrote: »

Hey, OP here. thanks for all the replies and helpful advice but looks like the guy in question has taken things into his own hands and changed the whole situation.

He contacted me yesterday and asked for a break...not a break-up exactly but some time apart. He told me that he really likes me, so much so that he doesn't feel that he is good enough for me - he feels as if he has no prospects at the moment and feels guilty about the fact that i pay for things when we go out. he has said that he wants to take a few months to try and get his life on the right track. he has set a target of easter.

he told me that he'd completly understand if i meet someone else in the mean time but he's hoping that i'll give him a chance to prove himself.

I really hope he means it...as one poster said, it can be a vicious circle -no job, low self esteem, less chance of getting a job, even lower self esteem.

so.... I hope you told him in reply that he doesn't have to stop seeing you for two whole months and that you can keep dating while he is getting his life back on track?

spinandscribble

Could be a way to step out the budding relationship without telling the truth, went through something similar years ago (he was a bum trying to improve himself as well to deserve me ect. bull****). Lucky for me it was a week or two after I realised and didn't waste my time and I wasn't really that emotionally involved.

Definitely don't wait around for him. Well and good, for him and you, if he makes a massive change in his life but don't waste around in meantime.