pre marriage course thingy??????

drewbedo

i was just wondering how many people opted to do this nowadays??
my fiance and i are getting married in registry office so we are not doing it but ive heard many different mixed opiniions from people bout these pre marriage courses that some people have forced upon them by the priests that rae marrying them.. just cause of the part of ireland that they choose to get married in..
what type of stuff do they ask you in it that the priests deem must be put to couples wishing to be married.....

How Strange

It's only a requirement if you're getting married in a catholic chuch (not sure about CoI).

My oh and I lived together for over 3 years before getting married so I don't see what a priest could tell us about marriage and living together that we didn't know already/hadn't worked through.

Sergio

Im booked to do that course in 2 weeks time and its is costing us 120euro to do it.
I think its just one of those formalities that you need to do if getting married in a catholic church.
Personally i think its just another money making scheme!

drewbedo

let me know what type of questions they ask will you...
im just very curious..
i think 120 yoyo is bit steep for them to be charging you and your other half and is that a definite requirement in the parish that you are choosing to be married in???

tinkerbell

It is a requirement to do a pre-marriage course if you want to get married in the Catholic church. It is very very rare that the priest will let you get married without doing it.

So if you don't want to have to fork out the money to do the course, then don't get married in a church.

Heineken Helen

Our priest has requested that we do it since we're not from the parish and we're living in England. I've booked into a one day course over here and it's free :P There's a weekend course which costs £50. I think we're expected to 'donate' something but I'll probably see how it goes before deciding. Other half is not at all happy about having to do it though

What harm can it do though? We spend days googling dresses and shoes and bloody chair covers lol so why not a day preparing ourselves for what the day REALLY means?

drewbedo

my oh and i are not getting married in catholic church we are getting married in registry office..
i am just interested in what the priests/ people of the community that they ask to run the course for them ask of people that attend the course..what questions they ask you and what they put to you as couple wishing to get married...

I didn't have to do the course, the priest told us it was up to ourselves, and so we chose not to! However, I've only heard positive things about it, a few friends of mine who really would have preferred not to do it really found it interesting and thought it was well worth doing.

SSFG

We did ours last week, the priest specified that we should do it. I have to say its not at all bad, at least the one we did wasn't! They didn't ask questions really, but the did put us in groups at the start to find out what we wanted to get out of the course, and alot of people raised the question of having to pay just to do the course!!
All in all though, it was interesting, it does raise issues you may not have thought of whether you live together or not, and the priest only informed us of the religious requirements of getting married in the church, he did not in any shape or form lecture us or get all religious on us. He was lovely, and we had a laugh!

BC

drewbedo wrote: »

let me know what type of questions they ask will you...
im just very curious..

I did the Accord one.
They don't ask you anything. The point of the course is to discuss things with your partner. There are some group exercises where they ask for opinions but nothing personal about the couple. Any exercises that are personal are just for the couple to talk to each other.

Edited to add - there were no priests, the course was run by (married) lay people.

Cadyboo

BC wrote: »

I did the Accord one.
They don't ask you anything. The point of the course is to discuss things with your partner. There are some group exercises where they ask for opinions but nothing personal about the couple. Any exercises that are personal are just for the couple to talk to each other.

Edited to add - there were no priests, the course was run by (married) lay people.

My friend has booked the accord one, and her priest has said he will not marry them with that course, that he has to ask the Bishop. They have already paid 120e for the course and are hoping to get their money back to book the church run one. Its a joke!

pauliewallie

I have heard you cannot get a marriage anulled unless you do this course. anyone know if this is true or not? not that I would be looking for an anullment just thought it was interesting.

Our priest has not mentioned anything about a pre-marriage course so we have not volunteered to do it.

bridetobeone

We did this course last weekend,it was very relaxed and there are no questions specifically to answer,all the couples were in the same room,we were all given a booklet with questions that we had to answer seperately and then come together and talk through the answers. It was a waste of a day really but It's a requirement if your to marry in the Catholic Church!

drewbedo wrote: »

i was just wondering how many people opted to do this nowadays??
my fiance and i are getting married in registry office so we are not doing it but ive heard many different mixed opiniions from people bout these pre marriage courses that some people have forced upon them by the priests that rae marrying them.. just cause of the part of ireland that they choose to get married in..
what type of stuff do they ask you in it that the priests deem must be put to couples wishing to be married.....

BC

Cadyboo wrote: »

My friend has booked the accord one, and her priest has said he will not marry them with that course, that he has to ask the Bishop. They have already paid 120e for the course and are hoping to get their money back to book the church run one. Its a joke!

Are you sure thats not the Avalon one?
The accord one is the one generally accepted by priests. The avalon one is the one they usually query.

Patrick Rogers

Hi there,

Firstly, attendance at a pre-marriage course is only required of couples intending to celebrate the Catholic sacrament of matrimony. It is not at all a civil requirement.

A thing to note is that since the Irish bishops set some tough criteria late in 2010, the question of which pre-marriage courses, apart from Accord, genuinely have church approval has been a hot topic, and really needs clarification in the near future. It looks as if some one-day courses might not pass the test, either because they are too SHORT (the new standard is a course of NINE contact hours - very hard to meet in a 1-day course), or because there is no priest involved in the course (it's now required that these courses should be a collaborative effort of laity and clergy).

I have explained how it applies to courses in 2011, at http://www.premarriage.ie. If you ask your wedding priest, he can advise on courses that now meet the bishops' requirements. I hope this helps.

Fr. Pat Rogers, Mount Argus, Dublin 6W

Cadyboo

BC wrote: »

Are you sure thats not the Avalon one?
The accord one is the one generally accepted by priests. The avalon one is the one they usually query.

Yep you are right. Sorry about that. She is still waiting to hear from them, there is a fair bit of drama between Avalon and the Catholic church.

pauliewallie

we are getting married in catholic church in cavan (end of july). our priest does not require us to do the pre-marriage course. however we need to get the Pre-Nuptial Enquiry form signed by our parish priest in Dublin and one of the question's on the form is 'What marriage preparation have you undertaken?' - what can we write here? we have lived together for over two years blah blah - will the priest insist we do a course or is it only the priest who is marrying us who can insist we do the course?

kennyb3

Can you do the course at any time, we are not due to get married until sept 2012 - is it okay to do the course this side of xmas?

Heyes

yep you can do the course whenever you want.

Were doing ours on saturday but i know of people that did it a year before they got married

alb

I found it difficult to get concrete answers on what the course was about before doing it, and assumed as many here have that it was some heavy handed religious thing, but it isn't at all, and we tried to be open minded and don't regret doing it.

We did an accord course, and as someone else already said, it was not given by a priest but by three lay people who are married. They shared their own experiences of marriage - problems they encountered and how they coped with it.

The best way I could sum it up would be pre-emptive marriage counseling. Raising issues you might have during marriage (everything from basic expectations of married life to considering the scenario of having a disabled kid) and giving you some specific time set aside to discuss them with your partner. There were also some group parts where as part of a group of about 10 discussed aspects of marriage quite informally.

It's not a test, it's not going to embarrass you in front of other people. It's an opportunity to think about and discuss with your other half all aspects of what married life will entail, good and bad.

A priest did drop in for a portion of it. All he did was make clear the paperwork that needs to be done and answer questions people had about the ceremony.

Sunny Dayz

Thanks alb,

We have ours this evening and tomorrow with Accord and we don't really know what to expect. it feels a bit clearer now! still not looking forward to it though.

Londonite

We did a pre marriage course in 2004 with www.mrcs.ie to satisfy the catholic Church's requirement but in fact, I thought it was very well worth doing. They get you to discuss some of those topics you might think you have discussed but in fact you have only touched on them......the tricky ones such as how would you feel if your partners elderly/unwell parent had to come live with you, how do you feel about adoption, how will you organise money between you, are there any aspects of your partners family you find difficult.........I thought it was money very well spent.........

Patrick99

Hoping to throw some light on a muddled situation, here are the plain facts about which courses are accepted as preparation for catholic marriage. Canon Law says a couple must make "suitable preparation" for the sacrament, but does not spell out exactly what this requires.

A few Irish dioceses publish a list of approved pre-marriage courses; but most bishops leave judgment on this matter to the local clergy. If your priest (the one in charge of the church where the wedding is to take place) accepts your course as sufficient, then you're in the clear! However, if your diocese does not endorse the course you wish to book, its cert may be refused by the local priest. Check this via your diocesan website. We advise couples to consult that priest before booking their course.

So far (Jan. 2013), despite what may be claimed online, NO Irish diocese has approved a purely ONLINE course. This could change in the future. To find out, the links to the various Irish dioceses are listed at http://www.together.ie/Diocesan_approval.html.

Fr. Pat Rogers

Berty

Patrick99 wrote: »

Hoping to throw some light on a muddled situation, here are the plain facts about which courses are accepted as preparation for catholic marriage. Canon Law says a couple must make "suitable preparation" for the sacrament, but does not spell out exactly what this requires.

When we Marry in October 2014 we will be living together 13 years. Is that enough for "suitable preparation". We will be going out and engaged longer than some people even know each other.

I just thought I'd finally make her honest.

smg2013

We did a private pre-marriage course, a 1-to-1 session, with an 'approved by the church' counsellor. Much more valuable if you ask me. If your going to go the bother of doing one of these things, why not get something out of it, instead of just going through the motions to satisfy your local priest who will just tick a box to say you done it. I found it really helpful and informative as it was about our relationship, not just relationships in general! But each to their own, Im just putting it out there! ;-)

eyescreamcone

Can you fail a pre-marriage course???

eviltwin

We didn't do one. We had a civil wedding so it wasn't needed but we had been living together for nearly 10 years by the time we got married and had kids so it seemed a bit silly, I didn't think there was anything they could tell us that we didn't already know.

A few friends have done them and I can't think of one couple who found it useful. My sister in law said it was nothing you couldn't find in a good book.

username123

eviltwin wrote: »

We didn't do one. We had a civil wedding so it wasn't needed but we had been living together for nearly 10 years by the time we got married and had kids so it seemed a bit silly, I didn't think there was anything they could tell us that we didn't already know.

A few friends have done them and I can't think of one couple who found it useful. My sister in law said it was nothing you couldn't find in a good book.

Well its a totally outdated concept in a modern society. Perhaps back in the days when people didnt live together or have sex before they got married or were uneducated they were useful. These days its just a money spin for groups associated with the evil entity that is the catholic church.

TAPA2012

Its a bit out dated alright! I know of ppl having to draw their dream home and they all already had homes together!

Berty

TAPA2012 wrote: »

Its a bit out dated alright! I know of ppl having to draw their dream home and they all already had homes together!

Can you draw a split level townhouse where you in separate parts so she can have the clean nice house and I can have the mans house with TV's PS3's and bikes in the sitting room.

I say this because Surely you can't fail a Pre Marraige Course?

kippy

A few personal opinions about pre-marriage courses and their relevance, from the point of view of someone who has partaken in one (with accord) and heard experiences of many others.

1. The courses vary in "quality", content, duration and cost.
2. I did find it very useful, despite having been in a relationship with my partner for close to a decade and living with her close to four years.
3. This course would probably be of greater use to couples who were younger and less afay with what marriage meant.
4. It covered such areas as budgeting, illness and death obligations, communication, tips on "anger management"/scenario solutions, and basicilly provided a break from the rough and rumble of organising a wedding while giving both people time to reflect on what was involved in the commitment as well as some very practical tips and help from people who had lots of experience.
5. Despite the concerns, there was very little input from priests in the course we did, although there was a talk from a priest about the sacrament itself and what to do and not to do in the church. A very light hearted talk aimed at people not that afay with how to behave in a church or afay with dealing with the priest who would be doing the mass.


I will definitely say that there was a younger couple at our group and they definitely learned a lot more from the experience than we did, that said I would recommend it to anyone, if only for a break and a chance to think and reflect, and interact with other people in a similar situation.

Berty

It's also worth noting that it's cheaper than Marraige Counselling after the wedding and in the greater scheme of wedding costs €140(or whatever you're paying) is a small cost.

I don't want to do it but these are the hoops involved with getting my priest to process paperwork for my wedding abroad then I must jump on board with it.

ponderousanon

Heineken Helen wrote: »

Our priest has requested that we do it since we're not from the parish and we're living in England. I've booked into a one day course over here and it's free :P There's a weekend course which costs £50.

Very intrigued by this. Is it always free to do the one day course in the UK? How could we go about this and is it possible if the couple aren't living there? Wouldn't mind incorporating it as part of a little trip. Thanks!

TAPA2012

booked marriage course for this coming summer. I hope we will get something out of it but I am really doubtful from the feedback we got from our family and friends so far.

eyescreamcone

TAPA2012 wrote: »

booked marriage course for this coming summer. I hope we will get something out of it but I am really doubtful from the feedback we got from our family and friends so far.

You'll get a ticket to have your marriage ceremony in a catholic church. This is why you are doing it I presume.

username123

TAPA2012 wrote: »

booked marriage course for this coming summer. I hope we will get something out of it but I am really doubtful from the feedback we got from our family and friends so far.

If you want to get married in a catholic church then this is a hoop you must jump through. You dont have to do it, but if you dont - then you cant have a catholic church wedding.

I personally find the whole thing amusing, the pretence of the church and how many people buy into it never ceases to amaze me.

ionapaul

My fiancée and I are thinking about doing a pre-marriage course, and we're getting married in a civil ceremony! It seems like if you get a good one, it would be a worthwhile thing to do?

tatabubbly

My friend was told he 'failed' his pre marriage course... Mainly cos in a quiz he put that natural family planning wasn't the safest method of contraception.. He's a scientist like me so its pretty funny!

ionapaul

I should clarify my post to say we're only interested in non-religious pre-marriage courses - am I presuming too much to think that they exist in Ireland?! We will be married by the Humanist Society, so it is not a requirement of theirs, I just think it might be a worthwhile thing to do if done right.

username123

ionapaul wrote: »

I should clarify my post to say we're only interested in non-religious pre-marriage courses - am I presuming too much to think that they exist in Ireland?! We will be married by the Humanist Society, so it is not a requirement of theirs, I just think it might be a worthwhile thing to do if done right.

The only reason Ive ever heard of for people doing them is to check the box for the catholic church - and the groups that run them are affiliated with the church.

Perhaps there are non religious options, cant say Ive ever heard of it. Just out of interest, why would 2 people in a modern society (I mean that in terms of possibly already living together, having sex etc...) need a marriage course? I cant imagine why you would want one?

pwurple

I think it's a good idea to prepare for something you've never done before. Shows you take it seriously.

We didn't do one, so I can't advise any I'm afraid, but I would guess that marriage counselling services would offer them.

tallyv

I think it depends on the priest and if he requires you to do the course, our priest said it wasn't necessary but we did the Accord one anyway just in case.

ionapaul

username123 wrote: »

The only reason Ive ever heard of for people doing them is to check the box for the catholic church - and the groups that run them are affiliated with the church.

Perhaps there are non religious options, cant say Ive ever heard of it. Just out of interest, why would 2 people in a modern society (I mean that in terms of possibly already living together, having sex etc...) need a marriage course? I cant imagine why you would want one?

Well, I just think if done properly, using real-world examples of problematic situations that married people can find themselves in, a pre-marriage course could be very useful. We do already live together but neither of us have been married before so I'd like to prepare ourselves as much as possible for the realities of it!

Similarly to a lot of things in life (learning how to drive, becoming a good writer, advancing in a particular sport, etc...), you can think yourself fairly competent at something once you advance beyond being an absolute beginner, but your actual lack of knowledge might only become apparent when you first face real difficulties or a genuine challenge! I'm also a big believer in being over-prepared for something rather than under-prepared, so wouldn't really mind going to the trouble of doing a highly-rated pre-marriage course even if we got little out of it and our marriage ends up being so perfect they make a movie about our blissful lives!

eyescreamcone

Does anyone decide not to go through with the marriage after doing the pre-marriage course??

TAPA2012

tatabubbly wrote: »

My friend was told he 'failed' his pre marriage course... Mainly cos in a quiz he put that natural family planning wasn't the safest method of contraception.. He's a scientist like me so its pretty funny!

Thats hilarious!

username123

ionapaul wrote: »

Well, I just think if done properly, using real-world examples of problematic situations that married people can find themselves in, a pre-marriage course could be very useful. We do already live together but neither of us have been married before so I'd like to prepare ourselves as much as possible for the realities of it!

Similarly to a lot of things in life (learning how to drive, becoming a good writer, advancing in a particular sport, etc...), you can think yourself fairly competent at something once you advance beyond being an absolute beginner, but your actual lack of knowledge might only become apparent when you first face real difficulties or a genuine challenge! I'm also a big believer in being over-prepared for something rather than under-prepared, so wouldn't really mind going to the trouble of doing a highly-rated pre-marriage course even if we got little out of it and our marriage ends up being so perfect they make a movie about our blissful lives!

Ive never really thought about it that way, and I am inclined to agree with you on it actually (although I didnt do one myself).

One friend told me she found it very useful around the area of discussion regarding discipline of children. She was surprised to hear that her husband to be had been physically smacked as a child and thought smacking was ok, whereas she was totally against it - it wasnt something they had thought to discuss previously.

Its certainly no harm to have subjects raised for discussion - better to have the discussion before the marriage than after!

I hope you find something suitable, best of luck with it and with the marriage!

kippy

username123 wrote: »

Ive never really thought about it that way, and I am inclined to agree with you on it actually (although I didnt do one myself).

One friend told me she found it very useful around the area of discussion regarding discipline of children. She was surprised to hear that her husband to be had been physically smacked as a child and thought smacking was ok, whereas she was totally against it - it wasnt something they had thought to discuss previously.

Its certainly no harm to have subjects raised for discussion - better to have the discussion before the marriage than after!

I hope you find something suitable, best of luck with it and with the marriage!

You'd be surprised at the amount of people who hadn't seriously discussed their opinions on having children, let alone how to raise them.

While I dont think anyone can "fail" the course and I haven't heard of any couple not getting married after the course, it can definetly open up lines of communication BEFORE the marriage about things that hadnt been discussed (as well as all the other benefits of it)

Clareman

eyescreamcone wrote: »

Does anyone decide not to go through with the marriage after doing the pre-marriage course??

A friend of mine has done the course 3 times

username123

kippy wrote: »

You'd be surprised at the amount of people who hadn't seriously discussed their opinions on having children, let alone how to raise them.

Absolutely, you see/hear of it all the time - but how are they not discussing these things if they have had a catholic marriage?

kippy

username123 wrote: »

Absolutely, you see/hear of it all the time - but how are they not discussing these things if they have had a catholic marriage?

As i said earlier, some pre marriage courses are better than others......

pwurple

kippy wrote: »

As i said earlier, some pre marriage courses are better than others......

And whether or not you are asked to have one is at the discretion of the priest...