Housemate is nosey

LegacyUser

Some advice would be great.

I moved into a house share a few months ago. Moved in with two people i didn't know. I am having a bit of problem with one of them. She is about 40 in age and I find her far too nosey and she's been invading my privacy far too much. By that she quizes me on stuff thats none of her business. I thought i wouldn't have a problem as I have been friends with older people.

Last night I came home two hours late and she quizzed me about it. Everything, why and where was I. I didn't realise I had to tell her what I was at. I didn't know myself but something came up.

I was in the middle of some work another night, which i had to finish and she started nagging me to bring in my own clothes from the clothes line as there was no drying out there. I couldn't give a fck if my clothes were out there for two weeks. Her reason was because, there was no drying. She hadn't clothes herself to put out, so what was her problem. They were mine, its my problem, not hers. What's with the nagging? I dont think she realises once I sit down to start something, I cant get up until I finish it and to be nagged in the middle of doing some work. Its so easy to lose your thoughts and ideas.

A few weeks ago, I brought home a guy. She knew about it and she saw his car outside. She never met him as she was leaving early the next morning for a couple of days. Four days later when she came home and I had completely forgotten about him, she had to quiz me about him. Everything. She had us married, almost. This kind of stuff is none of her business.

I had enough last week when she was rooting through the recycling bins for stuff to save and recycle. It was trash. I hid a pregnancy test box in three small paper bags and dumped it into the bin bag the night before they were to go out. She quizzed me the next day about this pregnancy test, trying to find out if i was pregnant or not. The only thing i told her, ah sure, and didn't tell her anything, as its none of her business, not at this stage and not ever.

I love the house i am in. Its in a quite place in town which i like. When i first moved in, thats what i wanted peace and quite. I have a lovely bedroom and there is cheap bills. But she seems to be acting my mother. She isn't even the landlord. I am in my late 20s and dont need this. I have been told that I younger, so does she feel a need to act like my mother?

What do i tell her? I am not the bitchy type of person and I hate confrontation. My answer is always the same, "ah sure". She isn't getting tired from not getting anything from me.

Susie_Q

Hi there,

Sounds like she is just used to knowing everyone's business and no one has told her how inappropriate it is.

Instead of saying 'ah sure' everytime she gets nosy, firmly but politely say something like 'its personal' or even 'sorry, but I don't think its any of your business'. Be nice about it but make sure she knows you mean it.

If you persist in this and don't give her any information she will (hopefully) stop interfering after a while. As for things like laundry, if she tells you to bring your clothes a simple 'No, I'm busy' will suffice.

Sounds like hard work but if the house is worth it then put the foot down, be assertive and try to make it work! Good luck!

Smyth

ahsurehelp wrote: »

I am not the bitchy type of person and I hate confrontation.

you're going to need to be. End of.

astra2000

Oh my God it sounds like you have moved in with your mother. That goes beyond been nosy imho. You are been too polite just because she asks you about your business does not mean you are obliged to tell her, or answer ah sure. Next time she starts to quiz you tell her you dont feel its any of her concern and that your beginning to feel as if your flatsharing with your mother.
I would be really freaked out by her going through the rubbish, who does that? Consider moving out she sounds more than strange.

Pebbles68

The soft part of me has a bit of sympathy for her; 40, single, house sharing and has just taken on the role of mothering people who don't want or need it. It would appear that she possibly had a different life mapped out for herself.

If you dislike confrontation another option might be, " if I wanted this kind of interrogation I could have stayed at home with my mother", and then start to giggle to yourself as you walk away. It worked a charm for me when I was sharing.

Pretend you are totally oblivious to her behaviour and never react. Politely thank her for "reminding" you about laundry etc. but do things on your terms and when you want to. She'll get the message soon enough. And if not well then unfortunately it's the direct route!

wildlifeman

I wouldnt take that kind of $hit off a practical stranger...tell her in no uncertain terms that she should mind her own business. that pregnancy test thing would be the clincher for me..i could put up with the clothes on the line thing cause thats just someone trying to be practical but the preg test and the details od the boy back in the gaff. draw a line and tell her that she has no business asking yo these personal questions..ask her how feels abotu approaching menopause? or when is the last time you had a hard cock inside you? that'll shut her up quick enough and she may even move out... win win

Peanut2011

I would be very open and straight up! I know confrontations are not what people like and I am not big for them either, however when it is getting that far I would be.

Simple "sorry but that is personal" as it was mentioned should do the trick. The longer it goes on the worse it will be. She needs to know straight away where you two stand and that is the end of it.

I do feel sorry for you OP having to go trough that but at the same time I do feel sorry for her too, as she probably wants to be a mother figure.

curlzy

Hey OP,

She certainly sounds like she thinks she's your mother or that you need one. You need to establish some boundaries right now. I just cannot get over her asking you about the pregnancy test!!! Like there's nosey and then there's psycho and she's bordering on latter one! Myself I would just tell her that she's being very nosey and that you won't even dignifying it with an answer if she asks you personal questions again, but I have friends that avoid confrontation and I know it's not that easy to stand up to people when you feel that way. So rather than having to stand up to her, maybe just walk into your bedroom and lock the door whenever she asks you a personal question or tell you how to do your own laundry etc. That way you don't need to engage with her at all, just say nothing, stand up, walk away, if she asks what's wrong just tell her she's being very forward with her questions and you don't appreciate it. I'd say if you continuously walk away then she'll get the message. Or you could just laugh at her every single time she does it, like just laugh, roll your eyes and walk away. Don't let her run you out of the house if you like it there! Best of luck.

R.D. aka MR.D

Do what i do with my mother.

don't give her even an inch because she will take a mile.

Basically only tell her ANYTHING that you don't find personal.

Then if she asks you a personal question either don't answer and say something like 'oh did you see that dress in that window down the street' or something. Or if it's completely inappropriate just get up and leave the room. harsh i know but really nosey people will not stop!!!

You just have to kind of train them into not asking personal questions.

dub_3

At the start of your post, I was presuming she was just a curious / chatty type, and that you were just too polite to fob her off with short meaningless answers.

If that's all it was then you would simply have had to get better at putting her off and not giving answers that invite more questions.

However the pregnancy test shows she definitely has a problem with boundaries.
Any normal person would realise that was supposed to be private and would pretend not to have seen it.

Yes they might decide to keep an eye on you and if you seemed depressed or anxious, then maybe say 'you look a bit down, if there's anything you want to talk about, I'm here for you' etc...

You either need to move or find a way to politely but firmly put her in her place. You need to make her see that you are a very private person and that too many questions upset you. I'm sure she really doesn't want to upset you.

My guess is she has no close family or social life, she views her housemates as family. Interacting with her housemates IS her social life.

Helping her get out and do things and meet people might take the pressure off you. (but am guessing that like most of us, you've barely enough time to sort your own life out, nevermind having to fix someone elses)

Being flippant as I sometimes here are some suggestions

1. suggest she join an online dating site and that you will help her picking out guys.
Hopefully she will be horrified and keep out of your way for fear of what your next crazy suggestion might be.

2. Go onto a sex toy website and fill out an order for stuff like dildos, whips etc... You needn't actually place the order just print out the order page. Now place it in the bin, ideally with some packaging materials to make it look like the order arrived.

If she dares mention anything, cut her off saying 'you don't share those kinds of things'

3. small plastic wraps dusted with icing sugar, also burn some sugar on a spoon or on bits of tinfoil. leaving them blackened on one side, burnt brown residue on the other. Also add torn up cigarettes / rolling papers. leave this stuff well wrapped up in the so only the nosiest person would find them.

Basically she either cops that you are winding her up, or else she thinks you're weird and/or dangerous.

In any case she keeps away from you.

Cheap Thrills!

Look, you just need to clearly state to her that it's none of her business when she goes beyond the boundaries.

Searching through the bins and obsessing about your movements are not healthy behaviours.

There's a reason she is in this situation at her age. There is something wrong with her.

You don't need to be cruel but you do need to explain to her that she needs to back off. I doubt it will come as a shock to her. She's probaby targetting you because you entertain her and are a bit too soft on her!!!

Distorted

Nosy spinster syndrome. You need to lay down the law and stand up to her. I do actually think you need a confrontation and to say exactly what you think about her not respecting personal boundaries, her status being the same as yours as a flatmate in a rented flat, etc.. No need to be nasty about her being 40 and living in a rented flat but say the stuff that is unacceptable. She will probably huff for a few days but she will get over it.

astra2000

Distorted wrote: »

Nosy spinster syndrome. You need to lay down the law and stand up to her. I do actually think you need a confrontation and to say exactly what you think about her not respecting personal boundaries, her status being the same as yours as a flatmate in a rented flat, etc.. No need to be nasty about her being 40 and living in a rented flat but say the stuff that is unacceptable. She will probably huff for a few days but she will get over it.

On one hand I agree with you re the nosy spinster syndrome but then on the other hand she is only 40. I am sure we all know one or two ladies in around that age who are single and arent in the least bored or nosy any I know have a great life. At first I thought she sounded like a mother, but the going through the rubbish really concerns me that is strange to say the least, and the op is in her 20s hardly likely to bring out a mothering instinct at that age. It is unusual for someone of that age to rent in a house share though. Your right the op needs to set a few boundaries.

snorlax

I have a similiar problem in that if my work hours change or if im few minutes late my flat mate quizes where I've been/ Why was I late for work/ my college course. He even knew I did paintings but he couldnt have known that unless he was in my room.

He's always lurking around the place if I have a friend over and you can never cook your dinner in peace. He's unemployed though in his 50s and Im guessing just wants some company so takes every opportunity to chat to people/ wants to know what's going on.

My guess is that this woman too might be a bit lonely? I think you have to make it perfectly clear it's not acceptable to ask you personal questions eg..just say 'sorry that's my personal buisness or I 'd rather not discuss that with you'.

mood

I came across a few people like this over the years and don't think it's anything to do with age. For example a girl I worked with was like this at 25! Some people are just nosey plain and simple.

Just tell her your 'not answering such a personal question'. If she continues say it again and add that you are 'flatmates not mother and daughter' and roll you eyes. Or say 'God, do you want to know what colour underwear I wearing as well?'.

Oh, I would dispose of anything personal in a public bin!

Komplett-Tech: Ryan

To me it seems she is just lonely and bored and needs something to occupy her, and at the moment that sadly seems to be you. Without knowing her, I cant really tell but she just seems worried about you. I don't think there is anything malicious there, but you do need to sit down and have a chat with her and ask/tell her to back off. Just my 2c.

thefeatheredcat

I would sit her down and politely inform that she has been intruding on your private life.

I've been in many house shares, each one is different. Some like to live in eachothers pockets where everyone knows everything about eachother and their business. Some more private. Others a balance in between, where everyone gets on, friendly atmosphere would share problems of a personal nature but other things are kept private.

It's possible that with the previous tenant she knew all their business and personal things and assumes that with you in the house share the same is to be expected. And if not, then maybe she is lacking this in her life or is hoping to establish a friendship more than a house sharing relationship.

In any case, it is best to inform now that you do appreciate her kindness or looking out for you (certainly the clothes on the line are most likely), but there are things that you wish to keep private.

Miss Fluff

Next time she asks you a question, be friendly and say "why do you want to know that?" TO EVERYTHING.

Are you pregnant? (Smile) Why do you want to know that?
Did you score at the weekend? (Smile) Why do you want to know that?
Where are you going tonight? (Smile) Why do you want to know that?

You can still be civil and friendly but if you put every question back on her with the same retort she'll soon tire of it and hopefully question why she does in fact want to know. (Which we all can of course answer anyway - because she's a nosey battleaxe with very little going on in her own life).

kerryman12

Hi Op

Readind down through all of the posts I think there are some good pieces of advise and some really terrible stuff. As you are posting this here I am guessing you are a person who doesnt like confrontation.

I dont think there is any reak badness in this person based on your post. She is probably just nosey/lonely & a bit overpowering. I tend to operate a escalating scale of responce with such people. Starting out nice and polite and racheting up depening on responce over time.


As a Kerryman my default seeting when asked a nosey question is to answear with a question, people quickly get the message. When it comes to personal stuff like the pregnancy test, (OMG) I would be polite but blunt - a contradiction i know.

best of luck

LegacyUser

OP here, how do I tell her straight out that this kind of thing is not on? I still haven't done anything but it is getting a bit too much?

She doesn't seem to get hints. Last week, i was doing a project on the computer. I sit at the kitchen table as i dont have a desk in my room. Its the same thing every evening. She will come in and ask me do i want to watch tv? It seems to be the starter question. I say no, then she asks me, are you sure?
If I want to watch tv, I will. But its the same question everyday. There is fk all on rte and i can live happily without it and i am beginning to think she just likes bothering me. I tried sticking in earphones into the laptop to pretend to listen to music, she comes in and quizzes me everything about these earphones. Whats that wire for? I cant just ignore her so i tell her for listening to music. Then the 100 questions after. What? Why? Then moves onto another topic herself. There is no getting away from it. I eventually told her, I had to get this done. But that was just for that night. Same thing again the night after that.

I have exams coming up soon where I have to study but i dont see myself doing much if she's going to quiz me everything and whats in my notes? I have to tell her something, its just not on.

There is so much more. When im making breakfast, dinner, anything in a pot, she will come in and lift the lid to see whats im having. Why? It is none of her business but she has to know now instead of waiting until its on my plate. She is just plain nosey.
Last week, i was making notes on my phone as reminders. She actually comes up and looks into my phone in my hand. Are you texting? No! Are you playing a game? No! I had to walk out of the room.

She has some notion that college is the same time as school. Shw will quiz me everything single day to why im home early, why im home late, to how come i wasn't in at nine. I said it the first week i got my timetable, its different times everyday. She doesn't get it.

Another time, I was in my bedroom getting something and left the door open a bit as i was going downstairs again and I forgot what i was getting and i went 'mmm'. She was passing my room and asked what was i thinking off? When im in my room, its my own time. She will stand outside the door and call my name some days. Just to call me out and say hello. HELP!

She has also been at me to get summer work. I dont know what i will be at and i am just so so busy, i actually have no time to go around to hundreds of places with me cv but she asks me every monday, did i go job hunting over the weekend.

This morning I get up and she asks me did i send my valentines card? Im only screwing him but she has us married. She will be shocked if i say it but i think im going to have to?

Im sharing a house and im doing my fair share of cleaning and went cleaning last weekend and when she saw how clean it was, she praised me. I live there, what am i meant to do? Leave everything. Even putting out the bins, she will praise me. I dont need to be praised. Wtf? Does she think im 20 and incapable of minding myself?
I dont look my age. Im almost 29 but been told i look 23. But even at 23, I dont need to be mammied. She's like my mother. No i wont insult my mother as she knew how to give people space.

Help me, she is constantly in my face and want to know everything. What do i say without being such a bitch.

mood

Either tell her to back off with all the questions etc or move out.

spinandscribble

my housemates are close in age and we say thanks if someone takes a bin out like "fair play" just to be nice and aknowledge they did something to help the household, same with housework.

The standing outside your room think is a bit ott but apart from that she jsut seems like she wants to be on good terms with you.

I think you should move out because I can't see living with her after telling her she's too friendly working out.

LegacyUser

I think what i will do for now is buy a desk for my room and see what happens. I think just sitting at the table is just asking for it really. I can uderstand a couple of questions like how was your day but she quizzes me about everything and doesn't give up.

Squiggler

Buy a cheap desk for your bedroom, that solves the distraction when trying to work problem.

For the rest of it you have plenty of options. Try doing something other than what you are doing.

When she calls you from outside your bedroom door open it, ask if the house is burning down, when she says "no" say "good" and then close the door again.

If you're busy tell her. A simple "Sorry, I can't talk to you right now" and not responding to any further questions should solve the problem.

Don't discuss your personal life with her. If she asks about it either ignore the question or change the subject, if she persists then simply say "why do you want to know?", or "I don't want to discuss it with you". Or, if she's particularly brazen do what I have to do sometimes with a nosy friend of mine - turn the tables and ask her the most outrageously personal question you can think of. If she doesn't get the message it will at least either end the conversation or take the focus off you.

But, if you really can't bear living with her you really have no alternative but to move.

encore1

god, im so glad i dont live with people anymore...

i know exactly what you mean about not wanting to confront her because at the end of the day, you still have to live there and don't want things tense etc...

what i would do the the next time she asks something personal, just laugh and say "jesus, a policeman wouldn't ask me that..." in a jokey way and keep grinning at her and make that your standard answer every time she does it, hopefully she'll get the hint. also, casually throw into conversation that the only reason you moved out of home was because you wanted your own space and were sick of you mother being on your back about everything you did and wanting to know every last detail of what goes on in your private life and that your mother is "one of those nosey types who wants to know everyone's business cos the poor thing has no life of her own, god love her"...and if she doesnt get the hint after that, move!

Sardonicat

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Look, you just need to clearly state to her that it's none of her business when she goes beyond the boundaries.

Searching through the bins and obsessing about your movements are not healthy behaviours.

There's a reason she is in this situation at her age. There is something wrong with her.

You don't need to be cruel but you do need to explain to her that she needs to back off. I doubt it will come as a shock to her. She's probaby targetting you because you entertain her and are a bit too soft on her!!!

What? People in house shares at 40 have something wrong with them? Perhaps, like a lot of us, she's been burned baddly by the recession.

I was a mature student in my early to late 30s and lived in house shares whilst studying. I may have to houseshare again shortly. It's good to know that should I be sharing with you you would write me off as weirdo without even trying to get to know me.

OP, having lived in a lot of house shares I can sympathise. Her age is not the issue at all. I've lived with people like this (one was younget than me).She doesn't seem to have any concept of personal boundaries. You are going to have to alert her to this if you want her to start respecting yours. Anytime she asks you anything of a personal nature, just say "that is private and I'd prefer not to discuss that, thanks". As to issues like the laundry issue, just tell her you don't care that there is no drying there and unless she wants to use the line, in which case you'll free it up for her, you are happy to leave your clothes outside until they do dry. Just close her down and if you have to, tell her to mind her own business. You won't resolve this issue by seething away silently and posting things up on here.When you get your desk for your room, I can guarentee you she'll start asking you why you spend so much time alone in your room and what could you possibly be doing in there! (Best answer: "Holding myself whilst rocking back and forth, why do you ask?");)

From my experience, the best houseshares are ones where people quietly live their lives independently of one another whilst respecting the general house rules. You have to establish your boundaries from day one or people will either walk all over you or latch on to you, like this lady has.(In my case, I found some younger folk latched on to me because they wanted me to mammy them!)

You have two options here:tell her as politely as you can that you are a private person and don't feel the need to share the details of your private life with the people who happen to be living in the same house as you, or, find a houseshare with people who like to keep to themselves.

Up de Barrs

I lived in a house in Rathmines with five lads, only one of whom I knew when I moved in and we more or less lived in each others pockets. You couldn't fart withour everyone in the house knowing about it. If you brought a girl back it was discussed the following day, no way could you keep anything private. As the start I found it a bit hard to take but I got used to it, there are boundaries between flatmates and sometimes they get crossed whether advertently or inadvertently.

Some of the things that bottered you like checking what you're cooking or suggesting that you bring in you're washing are fairly minor, if it was me I would bite my tongue when that happens and ignore it (as hard as that might be at times). Asking you about the pregnancy kit is a different story entirely, that is unacceptable and you would be well within you're rights to say "Sorry, I dont really want to talk about that, hope you dont mind". No flatmate is perfect but its about give an take, you have probably had to take a bit too much but keep it in perspective. If you say something a bit too harsh you cant take it back (sorry I know that is a very Irish twill be alright sort of approach but sometimes it is best I think).

Be||e

You have three choices:

1. Confront her.

2. Move out.

3. Continue to do nothing, hide in your room and keep bottling up all the frustration.
- I did this for a long time and it's not a healthy way to live. So now I live on my own.

You said in your first post that you moved in with two people. Does she pester your other housemate as much as you? Can you talk to the other housemate about her? (I'm not suggesting you gang up on her!)

LegacyUser

Be||e wrote: »

You have three choices:

1. Confront her.

2. Move out.

3. Continue to do nothing, hide in your room and keep bottling up all the frustration.
- I did this for a long time and it's not a healthy way to live. So now I live on my own.

You said in your first post that you moved in with two people. Does she pester your other housemate as much as you? Can you talk to the other housemate about her? (I'm not suggesting you gang up on her!)

She doesn't pester him. He is a couple of years older than me and they did have a fight once with the other housemate that was here before me. They ganged up on him. Well, he doesn't take it.

Does she only pick on me cause im the youngest in the house? Does she think i need to be mammied?

I picked up a desk for my room but its not going to stop her from quizzing me when i leave the room. I find that if i leave the room to get a cup of tea, I dont get back for 20 minutes later with all the quizzing. Im just going in, making tea, she quizzes me and as soon as its made, just walk out with the tea even if she's talking. She knows i go in for tea, so i dont see why i have to hang around. I think it is a bit rude of me just to walk out like that but i have to. I have to the same thing in the morning when leaving the house. If she could, she would happily stay there the whole day asking me question after question. I was polite at first but it is getting to me now.

LegacyUser

What do i say to her?
Its like i have a curfew here. She will want to know why im home late, im talking 8.30pm (not the following morning). She wants to know why im home early from college, why i dont go into college for 9 o clock in the morning and why i take a day off. She wants to know who i go out with, where we go and what i had to eat if im out having dinner.

Im not from the area so i can get away with some place in town but even at that i think its to much as she will ask me what street its on and where its beside so she can figure out where exactly i have been to. My answer, i dont know the name of the street.
I can understand where did you go and who was there from friends as they all would know each other but this woman doesn't know them so there's no point asking me.

I am beginning to think she is just trying to get as much out of me as possible but its not going to happen and i dont know what to say. She shouldn't be quizzing me like this.

tinkerbell

OP - tell her to stop poking around in your pots and pans when you are cooking dinner. That is just extremely rude of her, I can't believe she does that! That's shocking. When she asks you 50 questions, tell her "look, what's up with the 50 questions? I'm busy right now and it feels like I'm getting interviewed everytime I walk into the house". When she starts being nosy, tell her to back off.

When you come home early or late, tell her it is none of her business why you came home late or early. Stop giving her information. Just don't tell her anything - don't even give her one piece of information. Only keep to things related to the house or weather, don't talk to her about anything else. She'll soon get fed up with the lack of info you give and give up.

Sardonicat

ahsurehelp wrote: »

She doesn't pester him. He is a couple of years older than me and they did have a fight once with the other housemate that was here before me. They ganged up on him. Well, he doesn't take it.

Does she only pick on me cause im the youngest in the house? Does she think i need to be mammied?

I picked up a desk for my room but its not going to stop her from quizzing me when i leave the room. I find that if i leave the room to get a cup of tea, I dont get back for 20 minutes later with all the quizzing. Im just going in, making tea, she quizzes me and as soon as its made, just walk out with the tea even if she's talking. She knows i go in for tea, so i dont see why i have to hang around. I think it is a bit rude of me just to walk out like that but i have to. I have to the same thing in the morning when leaving the house. If she could, she would happily stay there the whole day asking me question after question. I was polite at first but it is getting to me now.

She doesn't think you need to be mammied. What she is doing is a form of bullying, by controlling you and getting information out of you that you don't want to give. She knows you are uncomfortable and she's enjoying it. You said your other housemate doesn't take it, well, neither should you!

You say:"I'm busy, can't stop and chat/That is a private matter/That is none of your business/Do you realise that you encroach on other people's boundaries?" And walk away when you have said whatever you choose to say. Close off any option of further conversation. Why are you worried about appearing impolite? The impolite person here is not you!

Basically, you say whatever it takes to get her to back off. She sees you as a spineless little mouse. Once she sees you are not she'll back off. But be prepared for the :"I was only asking/showing concern/being friendly.." guilt-trip. Don't fall for it and toughen up. Your only other option is to leave.

Red Hand

I agree with Sardonicat. You can't live like that. I would be driven insane after a week of that behaviour.

"Nope, Have to fly, Hmmmm...not really your business, I'm not comfortable discussing that with strangers"-these are the things you have to say.

Susie_Q

In fairness, you're enabling her behaviour. You say you can't leave the kitchen for 20 minutes because she is quizzing you - this suggests you are giving her answers.

The answer to your problem is gloriously simple:

Stop answering her questions.

Here's how it goes. You arrive home, she says: 'where were you? Why are you home late? Have you had dinner? Who were you out with?'. You said 'None of your business' and go about your evening.

Repeat over and over. If she asks you questions, then simply don't answer. You're acting like she has some amazing power over you that compells you to divulge information about you. The only way this will stop is if you stop giving her information and stop encouraging her nosiness. Get a lock for your door and use it. If she's calling you from outside the door, ignore her.

I would have gone mental by now if I were you, you're being way too easy-going about this.

LegacyUser

Very simple answer - move out.

there are hundreds of flat shares out there with non-nosey people in them.
This lady sounds lonely, or possibly just annoying with no boundaries, but either way, you don't *have* to live with her. So move out.

Give your notice now so you can do your exams, and then when they are done, look for somewhere else. No matter how nice the house is, it can't be perfect - no desk when you're studying? Annoying flatmate? Move out.

And when you're viewing other places, make sure you sit down and have a cup of tea with your potential new flatmate before you agree to move in.

good luck!

M

Dark Phoenix

OP you have to stand up to her otherwise to be fair to her she probably thinks this behaviour is okay.

Firstly have you a lock on your bedroom door? If not then get one! If she is going thorugh your rubbish then god knows what she will be looking at or for in your bedroom when your not there

Secindly I'd call her on it when she goes to far. Like the test thing my god that is unreal. Now if that were me i'd have said to her something along the lines of 'are you honestly telling me you have been rooting through my rubbish? Have you some obsession with me and my personal life?' I'd be very clear with her that what she did is not on and you wont put up with it.

If she keeps quizzing you on things then stop answering her!! like seriously if she asks you where you were or why you were late just say 'thats my business' or 'i was out' or 'I don't feel the need to discuss that'. She has no right to be asking you where you were or what you were doing or with who or why you need to set boundaries.

As for ths studying I'd set boundaries again you don't have to be rude even just say 'look Im going to be studying this evening so Im going to work in the kitchen for a few hours as I need some quiet to concentrate' that way she should know that its not that you want to watch tv etc your busy studying. WHy not stick in a set of earphones while you study to help her get the message?

I can appreciate you won't want to have an unpleasant atmpsphere with this lady so the best thing to do I think is to polietely and firmly set boundaries with her. She may just be a bit lonely also the fact that she asks you do you want to watch tv she may be self conscious and thinks she is stopping you watching tv - you wouldn't know and to be honest you don't have to know!

Sardonicat

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

As for ths studying I'd set boundaries again you don't have to be rude even just say 'look Im going to be studying this evening so Im going to work in the kitchen for a few hours as I need some quiet to concentrate' that way she should know that its not that you want to watch tv etc your busy studying. WHy not stick in a set of earphones while you study to help her get the message?

I can appreciate you won't want to have an unpleasant atmpsphere with this lady so the best thing to do I think is to polietely and firmly set boundaries with her. She may just be a bit lonely also the fact that she asks you do you want to watch tv she may be self conscious and thinks she is stopping you watching tv - you wouldn't know and to be honest you don't have to know!

OP has tried that one, and gets the second degree on what the wire and earphones are! i disagree that this is innocent. That kind of questioning about headphones is what you'd expect from someone in their 60s, not 40s! We did have headphones in the 80s you know! She knows full well what the headphones are, she just wants to crowd the op out. I've lived with a woman just like this. nothing will ever be enough. i have no idea what the motivation behind it is, as i stated previously, i think it's some form of bullying. The object is to upset you and push you as far as you will go. It so unblelievably draining. i believe some people would describe this woman as an "emotional vampire."

I wonder, op, have you considered the possibility that the housemate is trying to get you to leave? It may sound far fetched but living with strangers has taught me that there is no limit on how twisted and manipulative some people can be.

Cheap Thrills!

Sardonicat wrote: »

OP has tried that one, and gets the second degree on what the wire and earphones are! i disagree that this is innocent. That kind of questioning about headphones is what you'd expect from someone in their 60s, not 40s! We did have headphones in the 80s you know! She knows full well what the headphones are, she just wants to crowd the op out. I've lived with a woman just like this. nothing will ever be enough. i have no idea what the motivation behind it is, as i stated previously, i think it's some form of bullying. The object is to upset you and push you as far as you will go. It so unblelievably draining. i believe some people would describe this woman as an "emotional vampire."

I wonder, op, have you considered the possibility that the housemate is trying to get you to leave? It may sound far fetched but living with strangers has taught me that there is no limit on how twisted and manipulative some people can be.

I agree. I think there is clearly something wrong with her. OP you should be more assertive with her, but I actually don't think it will make any difference.

The level of interference here is not normal. She is not simply misunderstood. She has an almost obsessive-compulsive fixation on OP.

I actually went through something like this and eventually totally stonewalled the person until I could move out.

OP, dont worry about causing offence and stop trying to analyise why me etc?

The person is disturbed and you need to get away from them, It would help you to learn to stand up for yourself though and recognise a situation where it doesn't matter any more if you are polite or not.

She's got problems OP, either suddenly grow a big backbone (which is hard and normally takes years to learn) or move away from this person as soon as possible.

Until then, engage as little as possible with her.If she knocks on your room door, call out firmly 'leave me alone, I'm busy/sleeping/do not want to be disturbed'...even if she persists ignore her for as long as you can bear and then repeat very boringly 'leave me alone, I'm busy/sleeping/do not want to be disturbed'...

Until you get out, stop engaging in conversation with her. So what if she is pissed off or says you're rude. What of it. Who's going to listen to her?

No-one, because most people would not give her the time of day and neither should you.

LegacyUser

Some good suggestions there. I will have to start saying them. I certainly dont want to be quizzed about my every movement. Maybe she will get the hint also when i tell her i got a desk cause i dont want to be disturbed and if she still persists outside my door, i will have to get out.

Should i tell her to stop feeling my clothes also? When they are being dried on the clothes yoke for the inside, she will actually tell me when they're dry. How does she know but that she's been feeling them. Ok, they're not on me but im not comfortable with her that either.

She tells me things in her life that is of a personal to her but its things i dont want to know. She has told me she has gyn problems and she told me when she was on her period two weeks ago. I dont want to know this. She might be ok with telling me things like this and that might explain her nosiness, she wants to know everything.

Im getting out after my exams. The place im in is so handy and close to college. But then she's talking about moving herself, so i dont know. Not making excuses but if she's here in may, il be gone in june.

mood

OP either deal with it or move out. There is loads of good advice here but you still seem reluctant to take any action. Act firmly or move out. The choice is yours.

tinkerbell

ahsurehelp wrote: »

Should i tell her to stop feeling my clothes also? When they are being dried on the clothes yoke for the inside, she will actually tell me when they're dry. How does she know but that she's been feeling them. Ok, they're not on me but im not comfortable with her that either.

She tells me things in her life that is of a personal to her but its things i dont want to know. She has told me she has gyn problems and she told me when she was on her period two weeks ago. I dont want to know this. She might be ok with telling me things like this and that might explain her nosiness, she wants to know everything.

You have to stop being so nice to her! It's not working. When she tells you that your clothes are dry or whatever, tell her that you do not appreciate her touching your clothes. You are fully capable of knowing when they are dry yourself and you do not need her to tell you so.

When she starts telling personal things, tell her "I'm not comfortable with you telling me that sort of stuff, I don't want to know, so please do not tell me".

This woman is completely overstepping her boundaries and needs to be put in her place. So please start standing up for yourself.