Moving in with girlfriend and deadbeat son?

LegacyUser

I'm hoping some of you can give me advice or share some experience.

The girlfriend of several years and I have been talking about moving in together (into her house). We're a good match, we're happy together and if it was just the two of us I think we'd have a great time together.

Unfortunately she lives with her 20 year old son who is going nowhere. He's repeated his LC twice, he's doing very badly at a very bad course and is unlikely to qualify with anything. He spends all his time sleeping, playing computer games and generally not behaving like someone who realises he's becoming an adult. I've described him as a deadbeat which might sound harsh but that's unfortunately where he's heading. He's important to her of course, but she realises (and worries) herself that he's not showing any signs of independence. Her daughter is the reverse, is doing well at college and is talking about moving to Australia with her friends when she qualifies.

For the sake of the relationship, I avoid the subject - what am I supposed to say to her? "No, he'll be fine with his D in pass English, companies are crying out for people like him these days". If he was my son or my parents son I'd have read the riot act to him, but he's not my son and he's not mine to talk to and I'm thankful for that.

I love my girlfriend, and I'd love for us to see more of each other. I'm worried about the son though. I don't want to end up sharing a house with the person I love and another adult for the rest of my life. I've shared a house with other people before, and I'm not someone who'll tolerate someone not pulling their weight or causing trouble for the others. I worry I'd lose my head at him at some stage. This would become my home as much as theirs.

Any comments?

curlzy

You're right he's not yours to talk to, glad you said that because if you do, with your attitude towards him, it'll go horrifically wrong. Now I personally don't see what's wrong with him, yeah he's not the brightest but it's not like jobs are there for the taking. He's 20, still a kid in the grand scheme of things. You don't like him, that much is obvious and you said you can't see yourself living with him long term so you have your answer. Don't move in unless you're prepared to work hard at having acceptance and humility. She is his mother and he was there first and as childish as that seems it's true. She won't oust her son for you and it would be wrong of you to make her try. So yeah, my advise; don't move in unless you can live there happily, with him there too.

Fittle

Is there any chance she'd move in with you? Or you could rent a neutral place?

I certainly wouldn't move in with her with him still living there but you are doing the right thing by not getting involved. He's her son, and no matter how bad you think he is, and how much she agrees with you, he's still her son.

Can you not see more of each other without moving in?

And if she's your girlfriend of several years, surely you must have had some influence in his life? Do you have a good relationship with him?

Motley Crue

He needs to buck up his act, but you also forget, that to live with someone in this day and age means not only accepting their faults but also the faults of what come with them

LegacyUser

Fittle wrote: »

And if she's your girlfriend of several years, surely you must have had some influence in his life? Do you have a good relationship with him?

Thanks. I see very little of him when I'm in the house. Usually he only appears when his dinner is late being delivered to his room (you'll think I'm making this up!). He's not a trouble child if you know what I mean, he's a nice young lad. I understand he's still a kid, but 20 becomes 25 and 30 very quickly and there's nothing happening there.

Is there any chance she'd move in with you? Or you could rent a neutral place?

We'd half jokingly discussed telling him we planned on selling the house and moving to Leitrim in a few years. Unfortunately the GF is badly in negative equity & wages have been cut for both of us, so finances are also pushing us towards thinking we should move in together.

Beruthiel

Yourman wrote: »

Thanks. I see very little of him when I'm in the house. Usually he only appears when his dinner is late being delivered to his room

Which means your g/f is still treating him like he's a 10 year old. Why isn't he in the kitchen helping her cook dinner?!

You are right to keep out of this, it will get her back up and probably cause a row between you.
However, there is no harm maybe suggesting that she teach him to fend for himself. ie - cook the odd dinner.
You might also tactfully suggest that she help him work towards his future.
If he's not the brightest academically, then he should be training for something manually instead.
My daughter has finished college and still hasn't found a job. I asked her last week if she sees herself still living with me when she's 30. She went pale. I'll be rid of her yet!

Taltos

I don't know - "at 20 becoming an adult"??? Really?
At 20 - he can vote, have sex, get married, get drunk, draw the dole - he is an adult... Although he may not act like one - what encouragement does he have to stand on his own feet?

I mean - I am betting his mother is still doing his washing, making his dinner, giving him a hand-out when he needs one. Why would he seek to change this?

OK so he is not the brightest spark around - or he is lazy - or maybe he has a learning disability or just cannot apply himself...

OP - it is not your place to talk to him about this.
However - if you are considering moving in with this guys mother - and by virtue of the fact he will be there - then maybe you should try to talk to her about your concerns.
Instead of though putting him into a "problem" scenario - ask her is there anything you can do to help?

It might be small things - he needs to contribute to the bills, food, electricity etc. Handouts need to stop or be repaid. Basically while he can continue to live there let him feel the pain - so that he may be encouraged to try to get a job and move out... Remember while he lives under her roof it is by her rules.

Just don't get caught in the middle - if you force her to choose - well you know where that is going to go. At the same time I don't envy you - I think I know what I would choose - but I am ok with being alone...

LegacyUser

This sounds like my mother and brother. Food carried to him in bed. Sleeps all day, plays video games all night. Any new game he wants, she buys it for him even though he's now 22 and she's in serious debt. He contributes absolutely nothing, keeps his dole money in the bank never spending it. It's an extremely depressing situation to be around.

She's a single mother with a mortgage and he's never contributed in any way while I moved out of home for college at 18 and never went back, I've lived on the other side of the world since.

I've seen two lovely men having their relationships with my mother ended after they dared bring up with her the issue of her son. I too have a very poor relationship with my mother due to this issue.

She wants to keep him in the house as her baby, she's happy to have him there, she's happy to serve him dinner in bed. I don't know if it just gives her something to do, or if it stops her from seeing that she's getting old and that her children are no longer children, but there's no telling her, and anyone that tries will regret it.

I'd advise you to absolutely NOT under any circumstances move in with this woman for as long as her son is living with her. It will put your relationship under strain and should you try to advise her on this topic, I'm sure you'll see that blood is thicker than water, and all of that which my mother has used to her ex boyfriends..

Taltos

Sorry - but also ask yourself why you feel so set against this guy?
I mean dead-beat is quite a reflection on how you feel about him.

Are you 100% sure that there is no jealousy involved here?
That the mother is also concerned?
Just want you to be sure of your motivations. If you know what is driving you better then you can really understand how to proceed here.

All I will say finally is tread carefully.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

You're right he's not yours to talk to, glad you said that because if you do, with your attitude towards him, it'll go horrifically wrong. Now I personally don't see what's wrong with him, yeah he's not the brightest but it's not like jobs are there for the taking. He's 20, still a kid in the grand scheme of things. You don't like him, that much is obvious and you said you can't see yourself living with him long term so you have your answer. Don't move in unless you're prepared to work hard at having acceptance and humility. She is his mother and he was there first and as childish as that seems it's true. She won't oust her son for you and it would be wrong of you to make her try. So yeah, my advise; don't move in unless you can live there happily, with him there too.

I agree totally with the above post. As from your description of him as a "deadbeat" it is extreemely clear that you do not like the boy. Just because someone is struggling academically does not make him a deadbeat. If you cannot see yourself living with him longterm I suggest you do not move in.. You are after all moving into HIS home. His mother occasionally worries about him (what mother dose not worry about their child). You have also said that he is not a troublesome boy. You seem to only want him to get a job and move out so that it will suit you. In this current time there are a lot older people both qualified and unqualified that are living at home with their parents. But you are right about one thing - he is not your son.. So I would suggest you either try and build a relationship with him (making sure to put your attitude towards him behind you) or do not move in.

He is still young and has plenty of time to find his place in the world and do very well for himself. Dont be so quick to judge.

LegacyUser

This illustrates the difficulties of trying to form a relationship with a woman with a child, it just doesn't work in most cases. She will inevitably choose the interests of this layabout over you, so you will not have a real relationship. Better to keep looking for someone that will care about you as much as you care about them.

LegacyUser

I don't accept I'm being over judgmental, moving in with someone is a big decision and I need to go into it with realistic and not rose tinted vision. Unless something dramatic happens, her son is going to be living with her forever. I don't dislike him (well not much, he does need to grow up and begin to take responsibility for his future), but neither do I want to live my life with him in very close proximity. I realise her kids will be around for at least the next few years, it's the longer term I'm thinking about.

I think I need to have a serious talk with the GF about my concerns for the future. I suppose I have been putting this off because I didn't need to express my feelings about her son, but if we're moving the relationship to the next level I can't avoid it. I want to avoid turning this into any sort of me versus him discussion because I know full well how that will end, but equally I'm not going to pretend that me living with her and picking up after a 30 year old adult-child is where I see my future. I don't think she's one of these Irish mammies that really wants her children living with her forever, so hopefully she won't simply dismiss my concerns.

I am a bit annoyed with myself that it has possibly come to a point where things might come to a shuddering halt, but I'm not sure what alternative I have other than carry on as we are at present?

Motley Crue

Good luck

And ironically, don't look at the movie Step Brothers, it will only anger you further

Milkmaid

Yourman ..I can see where you're coming from but I would tread very carefully in how you bring this up.
I have a son that age and there is no way I would tolerate what you describe..lying around the house etc. and there is no way I would expect a partner to put up with it either.
It seems that your GF is a bit soft and he is taking full advantage.
I would expect a young adult to pay their way, if they have no wages or social welfare then he should be contributing in other ways e.g maintenance of house, garden etc..
I was paying my way at 18 so I expect my sons to do the same.
Perhaps you should explain that you are worried that her son lacks motivation and direction and that you will all start to get on each other's nerves down the line (which is inevitable if he is lazy)....just be careful how you word it.
He is still young and with a bit of a push he could get moving. I would imagine that even for his mum once he finishes his course she will expect him to be working or doing a CE scheme or planning to emigrate.
I would not necessaryliy presume he will be dossing at 25 or 30years old..surely his mum isn't going to subsidise him forever.

At single white male: please don't generalise, I would love a partner to share my life with and I would be ready to listen and take on board any concerns they have regarding my grown sons.....and there are very few people in their 40s or 50s who don't have grown up children and they are much more free to love a partner than a woman wieghed down with responsibilites of young kids

Distorted

Yourman wrote: »

equally I'm not going to pretend that me living with her and picking up after a 30 year old adult-child is where I see my future.

I am a bit annoyed with myself that it has possibly come to a point where things might come to a shuddering halt, but I'm not sure what alternative I have other than carry on as we are at present?

Why doesn't she move in to your place then? She could rent the house to the son, who must have some friends who might want to leave home. Son could gain independence but not in a huge step all in one go, mortgage will be paid, and you won't have to live with the son.

I'm pretty sure most women would choose their children over a boyfriend if it came down to it. Also, be aware that you will be moving into his home and he might resent you just as much as you resent him. I think its a bit harsh to call him a deadbeat at 20, it sounds like he doesn't do drugs or anything and jobs are'nt exactly plentiful right now.

I think it would be pretty horrible for any 20 year old to feel they were unwelcome in their own childhood home. Could you see any way to have an affectionate, encouraging relationship with him?

Beruthiel

single white male wrote: »

This illustrates the difficulties of trying to form a relationship with a woman with a child, it just doesn't work in most cases.

Worked for me and will work for others who have the cop on to see things clearly and from everyones side.
Generalisations are never helpful in instances like this.

If yourman's g/f is open to discussion and wants her son to learn to take care of himself, then she will be willing to listen to fair and frank comments.

niam

i am sure if he is doing bad in school and has no motivation for his life like u say, there may be something else going on for him - he might need to speak wit someone or even with his mum to make sure he is ok and he has nottin else going on....this may help him and even help a realationship build with you and him...?

for someone of his age not to feel like he should have goals in life might just be a sign that there is something going on for him and he may just be crying out for help and for someone to notice

Fox McCloud

I think you need to tread softly here, but theres still plenty you can do. You need to talk to your girlfriend about how she's not doing her son any favours by babying him at that age. Meybe offer to do things with the son like paint a room that need it or a big gardening job. Make him feel like a grown man in the company of another.. If your cooking there ask him to help you set the table or chop something. But at the same time, make sure the majority of this comes from his mother and not you. If he catches on this is all your doing he will probably sseriously resent you changing his lovely mammy.

While 20 is an adult, its still pretty young these days, theres hope for him yet. The fact that he's even repeated his leaving cert shows he's way more than another deadbeat. Life is different for school leavers these days. A leaving cert used to be enough to get you a job, now a degree and masters is required at least.. If your not good with academics then you can feel lost and a bit useless. I think its down to his mum to give him the life skills he needs to be a grown up. If you make her understand that without insulting her son or parenting skills you set! STAY AWAY from desciptions of him such as deadbeat, cause its not going to help anyone and its really not true. Come at it from the angle of helping him rather than yourself.

Genghiz Cohen

If he is not earning a wage, do you or any of your friends/family have a use for a pair of hands?
Something that may give him a skill for his CV. Even if he can't be paid, if he has any interest in improving himself it would be more appealing than bed all day.

E.G. I'm a programmer and would gladly teach anyone who was willing to learn. It's a useful skill.

Saying to your GF, "I have a friend who needs a hand on the weekends, do you think little Johnny would be interested", would come across a lot better than "Get that waster out of the house!"

S23

Some of the generalising done in this thread is in no way helpful at all.

OP I do get your concerns but you really do need to check yourself. For a start this kid (he's and adult but a very young one) is far from a deadbeat. He wasn't academically gifted. Not everyone is. He showed perseverance to go back and repeat and he's showing a willingness to at least try better himself by going on this, to quote you, 'very bad course' that he's on.

The kid is trying. Not everyone who get's D's or C's is a lazy layabout. Some people just aren't academically inclined. That is not a rod to beat him with.

Your smart arse remarks about him 'doing very badly at a very bad course' and 'he'll be fine with his D in pass English, companies are crying out for people like him these days' aren't helpful and it shows a certain animosity towards the lad. That kind of attitude is completely unnessecary and overly aggressive towards him.

Now let me check myself for an instant by saying he most certainly should be doing household chores and chipping in with making meals, cleaning up etc... etc... I'm sure if you pointed that out to your OH she'd be in agreement. It's not the end of the world and something that can easily be remedied.

You need to face some facts though. The job market out there is horrendous. Absolutely awful and not likely to improve significantly within the next decade. You can have a degree and a masters and 5+ years of experience when applying for a job. Not too long ago you'd have been nailed on to get work. Now it doesn't seperate you from the pack because there are literally hundreds and thousands of people with the same or better qualifications in need of work.

I highlight this because there is every chance this lad will struggle to get work in the coming years. He might be lucky and pick something up but it's just as likely he won't. Not through laziness or being a 'deadbeat' but because the country is on its arse. You've already jumped to the conclusion he's a waster now so what is your attitude to him likely to be then?

From what I can gauge this kid is trying hard to better himself in terms of education. He's repeated his leaving twice. He's now on another course. He's not great at it but he's plugging away. I don't know what more you want from him in that respect? He can only give it his best shot. If he hasn't got the intellect then so be it. As was said training in a manual skill might be an option. However, yet again, in all fields there will be people with greater qualification and experience than him vying for every job.

Maybe you'd like him to go away off to Australia like his sister is saying she might do? Keep in mind it's only something she might do as well. I know people who've been there and come back. As handy as it would be to have your OH's kids piss off to the far side of the world and not be in your way it's not nessicarily what will happen.

To me it sounds like her son is nothing but a nuisance to you. He's not a nuisance to his mother, though, and there is nothing I can see (barring a lack of housework) why she'd have any real problem with him.

All in all I get your concerns but your starting point and attitude towards this lad is awful and I don't see it getting any better with time passing. If you were a bit more understanding I'd say you had something to work with. However your first post was littered with jibes and insults towards the lad. You might want him to piss off and get out of your hair despite the fact that opportunities for betterment and employment are as scarce as they have ever been. Don't expect his mother to want to cast him out into the world with no hope of a job or a roof over his head though.

discus

From what I can gauge this kid is trying hard to better himself in terms of education. He's repeated his leaving twice. He's now on another course. He's not great at it but he's plugging away. I don't know what more you want from him in that respect? He can only give it his best shot. If he hasn't got the intellect then so be it. As was said training in a manual skill might be an option. However, yet again, in all fields there will be people with greater qualification and experience than him vying for every job.

Will people please stop trying to play devils advocate here?

We're meant to be helping the OP - but people are coming on to back-up the kid.

Sorry guys, this lad is 20 - he sees nothing wrong with doing ****e in school and ****e in college. He sees nothing wrong with sitting in all day playing computer games, and having his dinner brought to his room. That's an utter disgrace.

Yourman, you're obviously a hard worker and grafter yourself. You probably have more pride in yourself than this chap. I can see why you dislike him, because you see nothing in him that you see in yourself. If I were in your situation, I'd be asking the girlfriend about:

a) why is he not cooking/cleaning/etc
b) him handing up some of his money
c) him handing up money, how is he earning his keep?

Some would say that it's harsh, but there ya go.

S23

discus wrote: »

Will people please stop trying to play devils advocate here?

We're meant to be helping the OP - but people are coming on to back-up the kid.

Sorry guys, this lad is 20 - he sees nothing wrong with doing ****e in school and ****e in college

Excuse me? Are you trying to dictate the type of genuine advice that people are 'allowed' give on here? It's absolutely none of your business what type of advice others give. You're in no position to be telling people what and what not to do. I suggest you read the charter on here.

There are very clearly two sides to every story. Helping the OP doesn't just mean blindly accepting everything he says as being fact and writing off his partners son as a 'deadbeat' just because the OP makes that accusation. Aside from not doing enough housework (something I would hazzard a guess is not wholly uncommon amongst people in their late teens to early twenties) this lad has done nothing to deserve to be classified as a 'deadbeat'

As for the last bit I have highlighted, for me, it shows your completely biased and uninformed approach to the subject. Where are you getting the notion that the lad involved 'sees nothing wrong with doing **** in school and doing **** in college'? What exactly are you basing that on? Absoultey nothing is my guess because there is nothing whatsoever to in any of the posts to suggest the lad is revelling in his lack of academic achievement.

I'll base my advice and opinion on fact. The fact is he failed his exams but went back twice to try and rectify the matter. And the fact is, though obviously not being a fabulous academic, he enrolled himself in a course in further education which he is still pursuing.

If this lad rectifies the lack of cooking/cleaning/housework I don't see how anyone could have as serious a problem with him as the OP seems to.

Nevyn

S23 if you read the charter yourself you would see that back seat modding is against the rules. If you have an issue with a post report it.

S23

I didn't realise I didn't have a right to reply. Sorry I'll give it a good read now in a minute and have a look for that.

discus

S23 wrote: »

There are very clearly two sides to every story. Helping the OP doesn't just mean blindly accepting everything he says as being fact and writing off his partners son as a 'deadbeat' just because the OP makes that accusation.

I'll base my advice and opinion on fact. The fact is he failed his exams but went back twice to try and rectify the matter. And the fact is, though obviously not being a fabulous academic, he enrolled himself in a course in further education which he is still pursuing.

If this lad rectifies the lack of cooking/cleaning/housework I don't see how anyone could have as serious a problem with him as the OP seems to.

So which is it? You say there is 2 sides to every story, and that helping the OP doesn't mean blindly accepting everything he says as fact. Yet then you can find it possible to extrapolate what the OP tells us, and you decide that he's failed it twice and enrolled in a college course, because he's a total high aimer. Again I ask, which is it? Since it's the OP who has come to PI looking for help, I suggest we take his posts at face value.

I know plenty who repeated the LC who worked hard both first time, and their repeat time... Some only worked hard the second time round. None of which would sit around the house idle, have dinner handed up to them in their room or not work.

Nevyn

Yourman if either of mine are still living with me at 20 I would expect them to be working and if they were not to be in some forum of education be it college or a fád course or if they were job hunting I would be expecting them to be helping out with housework.
If I am out working and they are at home they can make the dinner.

You should talk to your partner about how the household would run if you were to move in, while they may be her children they are adults and they should be a collective of adults living under the one roof and sharing the house hold responsiblities at least imho.

Distorted

Maybe he sticks to his room when the OP is there because he feels awkward, and isn't always as bad as this. And to be honest, its not that uncommon behaviour in lads this age.

But OP, if you consider the lad to be a deadbeat at 20, surely with you being older, you must have a nice home for your girlfriend to move into? Problem solved!

S23

discus wrote: »

So which is it? You say there is 2 sides to every story, and that helping the OP doesn't mean blindly accepting everything he says as fact. Yet then you can find it possible to extrapolate what the OP tells us, and you decide that he's failed it twice and enrolled in a college course, because he's a total high aimer. Again I ask, which is it? Since it's the OP who has come to PI looking for help, I suggest we take his posts at face value.

I'm not sure you're capable of expressing yourself properly on this point you are attempting to make because I can't really make heads or tails of this 'which is it?' question that you pose.

Of course I can find it possible to come to the conclusion that someone can fail exams, repeat them twice and sign up for a further education course. I can come to all these conclusions because the OP has told us this is what the person in question has done so I am taking the OP completely at face value.

I have no idea what the height of the lads ambitions are (nor does the OP I suspect) but I certainly don't confuse lack of talent, in this case academically, with lack of ambition. This lad not being particularly strong when it comes to academia doesn't mean he's not aiming high. If doing well was as easy as simply wanting to do well and be a high achiever then we'd all have an easy life.

As I have clearly stated it seems the lad is trying. If he was a total waster he wouldn't have bothered repeating exams and he wouldn't have bothered with further education. That he's not particularly strong in academic terms is not enough to classify him as a 'deadbeat'. Not being academically successful does not make anyone a 'deadbeat' by default and that is a fact.

I'm really not sure what you are asking because you haven't articulated yourself well at all.

As for the housework/living at home at 20 thing. Yes ideally any 20 year old would be working or handing up their share to see to household stuff. He's not working. So failing that they should be pursuing further education to increase employment prospects. He is doing that.

The only thing he is being lax in is housework. As I said it's not particularly good that this is the case. He needs to pull his weight around the house absolutely no question. I think a simple (non aggressive) conversation with the OP's partner should be enough to solve that very simple problem.

I do not think it warrants such an overly aggressive stance as the OP seems to have taken on the lad. He calls him a deadbeat in the title of the post. He derides the lad for his lack of grades and being on a 'very bad course' and gives him no credit for his efforts. He made a sarcastic remark about his D grade in English and prospective employment opportunities. It's an overly aggressive stance in my book.

The main problem I see is the lack of housework. That is easily fixed as long as the OH in question is a sensible, reasonable woman. However, I get the impression that some cooking and cleaning by the lad in question won't really change the OP's disposition towards him.

discus

I'm not sure you're capable of expressing yourself properly on this point you are attempting to make because I can't really make heads or tails of this 'which is it?' question that you pose.

You either take everything the OP says at face value, or you don't. You seem to insist some is fact, but then say other statements OP has made may be his own opinion. So what I'm saying is, let's stop defending this son who we don't know about. We're here to help the OP and the OP only. We're not here to change his views on the son.

Last post, out of here. Good luck OP.

S23

Yeah I am taking him at face value. His description of this lad as a 'deadbeat' and what he descirbes the lad as doing don't stack up. The label he has given him doesn't stack up with the description of the things the son has done. So I'm taking the OP at face value in believing that this lad does the things the OP says. I am completely in disagreement with his labelling of the person in question though.

The OP has mentioned facts about the son. Failing and repeating exams. Being enrolled in further education. These things are facts. These are facts the OP has stated.
Labelling him as a 'deadbeat' because he's failed exams or isn't on a course the OP approves of or rates is an opinion.

Fact = something known to exist or to have happened
Opinion = a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty///a personal view, attitude, or appraisal

Can you not see the difference between fact and opinion in relation to this post? It's not rocket science.

discus wrote: »

You either take everything the OP says at face value, or you don't. You seem to insist some is fact, but then say other statements OP has made may be his own opinion. So what I'm saying is, let's stop defending this son who we don't know about. We're here to help the OP and the OP only. We're not here to change his views on the son.

What you're saying here is let's just agree with the OP's opinion
of the son regardless of the facts we've been furnished with in his posts. In this case it might help the OP to change his views on the son because they are, from what I can see, over the top and unnessicarily derogatory and aggressive in light of the facts upon which he's basing his opinion of him on. In my opinion helping the OP would involve getting him to take a second look at his opinion of this lad as a 'deadbeat' and a readjustment of his attitiude towards him

The OP has presented nothing to suggest the lad is a 'deadbeat' or anything of the sort. He doesn't do enough housework. That's the extent of his wrongdoing and it doesn't merit the OP's opinion of him as a 'deadbeat'.

Nevyn

discus and S23 take your personal discussion to pm, if either of you post in this thread again you will be banned.

okiss

I would not bad mouth her son to your GF as you won't win.
I would have a chat with him and ask where would he like to be in 2 years time, what company would he like to work for or would he like to travel?
If he does not know it will tell you that mammy is his meal ticket and he wants to stay at home long term. When you know his answers chat to your gf then.Tell you gf what her son has told you and decide between you what you want to do next.
Not everyone is good in school but if he is just drifting along with your gf supporting him and letting him away doing nothing it won't improve when you move in. You will end up having rows with him and life will be unhappy for you all. If her son is 20 he should be cooking his own dinner, doing his washing and doing jobs in the house. He should have a part time job or by looking for one.
If you move in with your gf you should not be moving in to become her sons meal ticket.

Caros

Hi Yourman, I read thru this thread last night and decided to sleep on it before giving you my thoughts.

I moved in with himself over a year and a half ago. I am in my mid 40's and childless. Himself has two children, a 24 year old son for whom he has a barring order due to addiction problems but who would be back in a heartbeat, and a 21 year old daughter who lives with us full time but she's in college Sunday evening to Friday evening - thank goodness! here full time during college breaks/holidays.

I will tell you I was naive when I moved in. I had no real experience of the parent/child relationship. Yes I was once a child and had parents but in those days we were much more independent, I left home at 18. In my head I was moving in with my partner and another adult, the daughter being 20 at the time. I wasn't prepared for a third cog in the relationship and indeed a cog who seemed to get a lot of love and returned very little. I moved into my partner's house and I'm still here but in retrospect I would tell you if it is at all possible get ye're own place, bring your gf's son with you if necessary but at least ye will be starting from a neutral base and one in which yours and your gf's rules will hold more sway that they would if it were just your gf's house.

Like yourself, if it were just me and himself in the relationship all would be rosy, and from Monday to Friday it generally is. I've too often been told that I don't understand because I'm not a parent, ya probably I don't but I do understand having respect and regard for others and too often I don't see a whole lot of it in the parent/child dynamic, unless there's something that can be of benefit to the child.

I, too was naive in thinking there would be light at the end of the tunnel, that she would be moving on after college. In this economic environment I don't think that's going to happen. I suppose I had thought that when children reach some age, say 21, that they stop being children, needing their mammies and daddies. from what I see Mammies and Daddies always are needed and in some way like to be needed too.

I suppose what I am trying to say to you is think long and hard about moving in. It's not easy living your life with the one person you love, never mind living it with them and a person for whom they have unconditional love, and whom you may not necessarily like too much. People did say to me about blood being thicker than water and all that and I kinda said ya right, unfortunately it's all too true.

On the plus side I do think you'd find it easier living with the son, males are generally not as manipulative as females.

Whatever you decide, good luck! Do please let me know how it goes. It is worth it if you want to be with the one you love but it's bloody hard work!!! Oh and a great learning curve!