Girlfriend getting late night texts (

LegacyUser

Hey all,

Long time boardsie going unreg for this because I have friends on my account who I wouldn't want knowing the situation

The situation is quite long so I'll try and sum it up as best I can as the entire story would be Lord of the Rings length.

I'm going out with my girlfriend just over 2 years now.

11 months into the relationship she cheated on me. On a night out she went back to some guys house who bootiecalled her by text (i hate that word but its the best I have!), she disappeared for the night and the next day cooked some story of her staying at the guys house but it was a party blah blah blah. She tried to dump me the day after she cheated with some half-assed excuse and I saw through it, called her out on "that night" and she admitted she cheated after a while. I ended it and later in the week we had a long chat about it and I decided I'd try to forgive her and build the trust again, so we got back together a few days later, and she said she'd never talk to him again.

Prior to this, I have to say that maybe 2 months before this happened, the same guy tried getting her over to his with a "hey im at home, wanna come over", and I asked her about the text as I saw it when she read it (i was sitting next to her on a bus). She brushed him off with a "sorry no, lame assed excuse" despite me telling her to tell him to "fúck off, I have a boyfriend". And 2 months later the above happened.

7 months after this, we were sitting in her house and she got a text and claimed it was her mum telling her to turn the TV down late at night. She went out the next night with her girls. The day after that we went for dinner. Over the weekend I had noticed she was being extremely suspicious with her phone, not letting it out of her sight, watching me when I was trying to send her stuff. To be honest, I had copped something wasn't right. At dinner I made a phony excuse of sending her a wallpaper and as I did and held her phone, a text rolled in. It was from the same guy, and they had been 'sexting' at the weekend. The text wasn't from her mum, but from him and then on the night out with her girls she got drunk and the texts got sexual. She went home that night so nothing happened but I had caught her red handed that day in the restaurant. She got upset and said she didn't know what she was doing, and I made the point of "where would it have gone" if I hadnt have found out, and she said she never would have cheated but she's not sure how it would have ended, other than she never would have acted on it, she claimed it was "validation"

Many of you will ask why I forgave her after that, and to be honest it was because I was so in love with her, and a lot of people will probably not understand if they haven't been in the situation. Logically there's an argument I should have ended it.

Since then (cheating was November 09, texting May 10), we've rebuilt the relationship. It's been hard and a struggle at times, but we've been repairing it. She changed her number, broke her old SIM and destroyed any record of his number as a show of intent. Have I been edgy at times? Yes, I get slightly uneasy when she disappears off the radar on nights out, but I do trust her that she won't do anything, its just an unease at her disappearing, if that makes sense. She doesn't go to town unless I'm with her, and she never stays out overnight unless its after a party in one of her friends in Dun Laoghaire (usually after a party when I attend). These "rules" were of her making, but I agreed to them as I told her that her staying out on a night out (especially in town) would really be awkward for me.

To this day the only thing that really makes me uneasy, and not even to a huge extent is when she receives texts very very late at night. I don't mean to, but I sometimes ask "who's texting you so late?" because from experience late night texts in general are usually reserved for either someone who either is in a different country, "somethings wrong" texts or "are you out" texts. If its not any of them its usually a bootiecall. Sometimes its a harmless random text, but at 2am they're rare.

Last night we were out and she got a text and I harmlessly (in no aggressive or angry way) asked who's texting you so late. She went somewhat postal on me after that saying I clearly don't trust her, she doesn't owe me any explanations, I have no right to know, its her private life which I have no entitlement to, etc etc, and she wouldn't tell me. Now she could tell me its person A when its person B and I'd believe her, I never check her phone or verify what she tells me, because I trust what she tells me.

My argument is that whilst I have forgiven, I haven't forgotten. Late night texts have twice caused huge pain for me and another one was a precursor and they do make me somewhat uneasy. I trust what she tells me, I don't check up on her phone or her emails or anything like that and as I said if she told me it was person A whilst it was someone else, unless I knew flat out she was lying, I'd believe her.

I've argued that I do trust her as I don't check up on her life, I've no problem with her going out with her girls locally, and strangely enough last night I told her that if I didn't feel upto going out she should go into town without me and we should start getting rid of that rule she made, and she should go to town. When she does go out, I don't ask for gory details or a minute by minute account of the night, she texts me a bit to 'ease my mind' but generally speaking she's left to her own devices.

I do occasionally ask her who just called her or text her during the day if there's some sort of notable reaction, say she gets a text and breaks herself laughing I'd say "whats that about" or if a phone call she's on sounds very serious I'd ask "is everything ok, whats going on", but I'm not the type of person who questions every text or call that comes in, I usually ignore them, unless they're late at night as I said.

So today she's thrown an absolute wobbler at me over it and said I've no right to know etc etc and I find this highly defensive of her, because after all we've been through, its hardly a huge concession to make answering the rare question I ask late at night. When I do ask, my tone is always friendly in a 'wow, its late, whats going on' way and never in a 'oh my god, you're definitely sexting or doing bad things".

I'm really unsure what to do because I feel like she's not going to budge. I can try and lay off but I'm not going to be prohibited from being nosey into late night texts, and I know its noseyness because if it was not trusting, I know myself that I'd be extremely questioning, very suspicious etc. I know its not the most pleasant thing being nosey, and I'm sure its a pain in the ass for her, but I suppose its just from whats happened its the one single thing that activates this nosey part of me.

Sorry for the EXTREMELY long post I'm just trying to give all the details so any advice you give me is based on the entire story. Is she just being righteous and has she 'served her time'? I don't think she's hiding anything from me, but does it sound to others like she is?

Thanks for any advice or opinions. (Oh and I'm 25, she's 24, both living at home with parents)

mrpink6789

Dude this just sounds like too much hard work and you are constantly on edge all the time. Does not sound like an enjoyable relationship at all. Do you really want to go through the next few years constantly having to know where she is or who she is talking to? She is clearly up to something so rather then have yourself go through that all over you would be better to just leave her and put your efforts in to someone else.

Chucky the tree

She have left the first time., criminal you didn't leave the second time. Relationship is doomed already. I've no idea how you can claim to love someone on one hand and then have zero trust in them or feel very uneasy if they stay out late or stay in a friends house or get a late night text. End it now, she clearly doesn't love you or have any respect for you.

seamus

uneasyandunsure wrote: »

I don't think she's hiding anything from me, but does it sound to others like she is?

Yes it does.

She doesn't sound like someone who changes her spots.

9 months into your relationship (as far as you know), this texting started and ended with cheating 2 months after that. 6/7 months later, more texting, more (effectively) cheating. And now, another 6 months later, more odd late night texts where she flies off the handle when you ask a simple question.

Yes she has a right to her privacy, but she also has to suck it up because it takes a lot longer than 6 months for the trust to be rebuilt. If she's serious about rebuilding your trust, she should be telling you who's texting before you even ask.
I wouldn't trust her at this point, as she's shown herself consistently to have difficulty going more than about six months without picking up and leading on some kind of hanger-on from the opposite sex.

Seriously, you've been going out for two years. That's nothing. You should still be in a honeymoonish phase. If she's going looking for other guys after 9 or 15 months then it's time to write her off. The relationship isn't even long enough for her to have gotten bored, she's obviously just a user.

I'd be gone like a shot.

kjl

Well Op, it sounds to me like you can't trust her. On numerous occasions in your post you mentioned how you ask her about her texts and phone calls. Sure maybe you might be saying it in a nonchalant way, but clearly you GF is picking up this up as you being suspicious.

You need to do one of two things. Either you forgive her completely and stop asking about her phone altogether, or break up. I don't constantly ask my partner who is texting or calling her, if she chooses to share that information with me then great. Otherwise I leave her business to her.

If you love her and trust her again, then stop asking, simple as. If not, you need to have a proper conversation with her with the potential of you breaking up.

Oryx

If I had cheated on someone using my phone, and was back with them and working on the relationship, for damn sure I would go out of my way to explain any late night texts or calls. Id probably say without being asked, just so the suspicion wouldnt be there.

To me her attitude is strange. Either you have been nagging a bit more than you say here, or she has a certain arrogance about whats gone on in the past, and doesnt consider it an issue anymore. (forgetting that its harder for you to let it go). Or she is playing away again.

Noone here knows what her problem is. So you have to sit down with her and tell her why you asked, how you still feel, and how shocking you find her hostility. See what she has to say.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your advice.

I completely understand a lot of what you're all saying. If this had happened to a friend I would tell him he was an absolute tool to go back to her the second time.

I don't know, the honeymoon period obviously made me forgive her, which I cant put a logical explanation behind, I just forgave her because I wanted it to work, whether that was stupid or not.

I guess I could very easily stop asking her and being nosey, the warning sign for me was the extreme defensiveness of last night. If it had been a calm conversation during the day that it was irking her and she was sober telling me, it'd be a lot different, but it was the scathing response I got that just really threw me.

I thought that I did/do trust her because I don't need to know where she is all the time, I don't need to know who she talks to throughout the day, we could not talk for a day or two and I'd be fine about it, and would never ever need a report on who she's been in contact with. I've no problem with her staying out late, my point is that I don't see why she would need to stay out in town overnight when she can get home very easily. Anyways, thats somewhat moot but I just wanted it clear that I'm in no way controlling or monitoring of her. She could text 500 times a day when I'm with her and it wouldn't bother me, but late night texts irk me, and extreme reactions irk me a hell of a lot more.

I don't want to break up with her, because things have been very good for a very long while, and this just seems to have appeared from absolutely nowhere. But maybe I do need to consider the relationship because last nights reaction was extremely unusual.

Exclamation Marc

Oryx wrote: »

If I had cheated on someone using my phone, and was back with them and working on the relationship, for damn sure I would go out of my way to explain any late night texts or calls. Id probably say without being asked, just so the suspicion wouldnt be there.

To me her attitude is strange. Either you have been nagging a bit more than you say here, or she has a certain arrogance about whats gone on in the past, and doesnt consider it an issue anymore. (forgetting that its harder for you to let it go). Or she is playing away again.

Noone here knows what her problem is. So you have to sit down with her and tell her why you asked, how you still feel, and how shocking you find her hostility. See what she has to say.

Great advice.

LegacyUser

uneasyandunsure wrote: »

She changed her number, broke her old SIM and destroyed any record of his number as a show of intent.

I think she's deceiving you, OP. It's not hard to memorize a phone number. I'd bet my bottom dollar she texted him her new number as soon as your back was turned. I'm guessing they are still in contact, that she is deleting his texts after she reads them. When you're together, and her phone beeps/buzzes with a late-night text, she "goes postal" because she's thinking, "Crap, I forgot to put my phone on silent and now I'm going to get caught."

Look at the facts as you lay them out yourself: In Nov 09, 11 months into your relationship, this girl spent the night having sex with another man. Barely six months later, she was sex-texting the same man. Today, she is still behaving suspiciously. Behind all the rhetoric of "rebuilding trust," OP, I think you know you're with a serial cheater. Get rid of this girl and find someone you can *really* trust.

beks101

uneasyandunsure wrote: »

Thanks all for your advice.

I thought that I did/do trust her because I don't need to know where she is all the time, I don't need to know who she talks to throughout the day, we could not talk for a day or two and I'd be fine about it, and would never ever need a report on who she's been in contact with.

You don't trust her and who could blame you. I wouldn't trust her either.

She's breached your trust twice now and both occasions resulted in huge pain for you. We're all human, we all make mistakes, but if she really cared about you, she would have done everything in her power to gain your trust 100% after the first time and Mr Bootycall would have been history long before she had a second round with him. And yes, sexting is very much cheating.

The grandiose gestures that she seemed to make after the second time...the new sim card, never going into town without you etc...and now the defensiveness over a new batch of late-night texts...make the dynamic of your relationship seem completely out-of-whack and nearly seem more parent/child that boyfriend/girlfriend. How can you really be happy with her when you're constantly looking over your shoulder on nights out and worrying excessively about any text she gets after 2am, almost as if you're pre-empting the same behaviour from her again?

Sit down and talk to her, that's the only way this can go. She's picked up on your paranoia over the texting and maybe she's uber defensive because she feels she has already 'paid her dues'. Bear in mind it could be more sinister and she wasn't exactly upfront and honest about it the last two times, so your reaction is completely valid. Either way, you need to have a conversation with your girlfriend to explain exactly why you are both reacting the way you are. No, you don't have a right to know exactly what is in her inbox at any time, but given the circumstances you do have a right to a lot more empathy and explanation than she is allowing.

Wagon

uneasyandunsure wrote: »

I don't want to break up with her, because things have been very good for a very long while, and this just seems to have appeared from absolutely nowhere. But maybe I do need to consider the relationship because last nights reaction was extremely unusual.

Well, last night's reaction sounds like she has something to hide. Again.

This will never go away. I completely, 100% understand why you would still want to make this work. But sometimes you have to look at the relationship from the outside and from what i can see, you are the one suffering for her crimes. You are twice the man i am for managing to forgive her cheating even once, let alone for the sex texts after that but you have to sometimes throw in the towel.

What if you do stay with her? So you honestly believe she'll never cheat again? And imagine what you'll be like 3 years down the line, with your head wrecked from thinking about this stuff? You'll be a mess mate.

My advice is to end it, and it's not for her benefit. It's yours. She has made a royal cock up here and even though the cheating was a good while ago, you are the one paying the price even now. It'll be tough at first but you can take wagon's word on this one, give it a little time and you'll never want to go back.

Neyite

I think her reaction is over the top too. She shoud be going out of her way to show you its harmless if it really was. She sounds like she is flying off the handle because she has something to hide.

When you've been cheated on it takes more than 6 months to regain that trust. You might trust her, however its up to her to show you that she is worthy of that trust.

littlefriend

Hope you don't feel too wretched op.

Unfortunately, like everyone else here has said you are probably right. Because she got away with cheating twice in the back of her mind she knows she will get away with it again. You really need to walk away - staying in relationships like these has a really bad effect on you in the long term.
Do yourself a favour and walk away. She has no respect for you.

LegacyUser

Well she showed me the text and it was from her sister telling her to get home safely etc etc.

This complicates the situation because all the advice you've all given me makes so much sense that I shouldn't trust her and should walk away, but in theory now her biggest mistake in terms of my problem here is a drunken overreaction.

Whilst I'd happily walk away from it if even a minor cheat related incident happened, I'm not sure I can simply walk away because she overreacted last night, it would seem contradictory in a way that I forgave her for two huge things before yet am walking away because of her reaction on one night.

However a lot of you seem to think that the leopard never changes its spots and you could be right, its just quite hard to walk away (I know its not meant to be easy )

Firetrap

Like the others OP, I don't think she's to be trusted. Perhaps you might need to look at yourself and ask why are you clinging onto this relationship when you're with someone who has cheated on you and who you can't trust. Are you with her for the wrong reasons? That better to be with her than single? That it'll be so much hassle splitting up?

treakle

Dude you cannot trust this woman...take it from me as I was in a similar scenario a few years back.
If she was 100% commited to you then she wouldn't be texting that other slimey prick!
You seem like a sound and loyal guy so PLEASE PLEASE don't waste any more time on her....as I can 100% guarantee that you will get burned sooner or later...
You're clearly in love her but the longer you leave it the harder it will be.

I went out with a girl...she ended it after a year...got back together after a few days....5 years later she ended it again....take note!

Chin up lad...plenty totty out there...

Miss Fluff

Not only is she clearly not to be trusted,she's playing you for a fool.Get rid hon.

Monkey Allen

OP, you're responsible for your own situation. She's treated you badly and you were obviously trying to make it work. But you are there because of your decisions. And now you must decide how to fix it. Are you to blame for being where you are? Yes. Not trying to sound harsh but you sound like you need a kick up the bum to end this relationship.

Virgil°

You've two problems here at the moment. One is you don't trust her.You can say it anywhich way you like but you don't. You wouldn't be here voicing your concerns if you did. Which is fine by the way. Shes cheated on you twice, theres no way you could really trust her fully at this stage.
The second is the way she reacted, which is quite telling. Honestly what does she expect after how shes behaved? You're going to have to tell her that you haven't yet (although you are trying) gotten over her transgressions and if she wants to make things work then shes just going to have to suck it up for a while and not throw her toys out of the pram, prove to you beyond the shadow of a doubt that shes 100% committed to saving the relationship.

Trog

The fact that it turned out to be her sister is irrelevant. She's not happy because you need to be able to ask every now and then, and you're not happy because ultimately, you're hurt. Reasonably so.

At the end of the day, it looks like the relationship is breaking down. Even if you're willing to forget all the cheating to date, there's no way you can just forget the hurt and not be jealous or suspicious in any way. You're only human.

When she cheated, she probably had a reason to. Either at the time it seemed worth it or she wasn't happy in the relationship or whatever. Unless whatever that is has been resolved, along with your suspicions, the writing looks to be on the wall, I'm sorry to say.

I empathise with you here. Having been cheated on and forgiven for it I know how it can tear you up.

LegacyUser

relationships should come easy to both parties man. take this from a guy who is going through the roughest break up ever at the moment but its simple if ye both love each other they should be plain sailing more or less no texting other people no secrets. its hard to break away but i think you have to do it for your own sake. there is plenty fish in the sea trust me dont waste your time on one who obviously treats you like a doormat

seamus

unsureanduneasy wrote: »

Well she showed me the text and it was from her sister telling her to get home safely etc etc.

This complicates the situation because all the advice you've all given me makes so much sense that I shouldn't trust her and should walk away, but in theory now her biggest mistake in terms of my problem here is a drunken overreaction.

Look, it's time for the "honest and open" talk with this girl:

uneasyandunsure wrote: »

She went somewhat postal on me after that saying I clearly don't trust her

Your response to this should be, "No love, I don't trust you". And you shouldn't feel bad about it. In new relationships there is often jealousy and some distrust, but this usually boils down to the individual's insecurities more than anything else.
But in your case the distrust is justified, 100%, and you shouldn't be ashamed or sorry for not trusting her.

She should understand the reason for you not trusting her and as I say above, she's going to have to suck it up and put up with the jealousy and the odd question for a couple of years if she wants this relationship to survive. If she can't accept that she doesn't have your trust and that she has to work on regaining it, then it's curtains.

She was caught out not once, but twice, and you're still here. If she really loves you, she should realise how lucky she is that you didn't write "skank" on her forehead in permananet marker and run for the hills 6 months ago. Flying off the handle at you and accusing you of being in the wrong are not the actions of a girl who understands what she's done.

Peanut2011

Sorry OP but it seems that you know the answer already but you want to be wrong.

I guess after trying to make it work twice I understand you are not willing to just give up. I do understand where you coming from and I fully agree about the late night txt's, however I do not believe you trust her.

You have every right NOT to trust her ever again! After all, you forgave it the first time and it happened again. You forgave it the 2nd time....

Honestly your relationship is doomed to fail at some point as you will never, ever, be able to forget all that + it does not seem that she has changed at all.

Sorry to say and I know you don't want to hear this, but my honest opinion is cut your losses and look for someone who will have more respect for you.

Cheeky_gal

Awh OP please get rid of her! I have two friends who sound exactly like your girlfriend and every now and again they rip their partner off on the weekends and he never finds out. It's incredible how many girls do this.

If you hadn't of had three occasions where she has betrayed your trust then fair enough I would say give her a chance. But oh my god, three times. Get rid. You deserve so much better. The girl sounds like she's using you tbh until she finds someone better as hard as that sounds.

None of my mates text at 2am unless it's a drunken text, which btw would always be from a male. Don't let her fool you because trust me you are been fooled

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I cheated on my then boyfriend (now husband) several years ago. Won't go into the details as they are not relevant. He forgave me. But from that moment on I was hyper aware of anything that might remind him and bring up the hurt and did and do everything in my power to prevent it.
You need to sit your gf down and explain that though you have forgiven her and you believe she won't cheat again, the pain is mostly gone but some things will bring it up again.
Like late night texts.
If she doesn't understand or is unwilling to even see this from your point of view then she doesn't deserve you and you should end it.

fungun

She has to respect your forgiveness of her cheating and realise trust is earned over time, not something you say and then it is.

Id talk to her about his but if she cant realise that she needs to work with you to repair the damage she caused, then Id be having no more to do with her.

dub_3

unsureanduneasy wrote: »

Well she showed me the text and it was from her sister telling her to get home safely etc etc.

Did you see both the timestamp and the actual number the txt was from?

Consider what would happen if your reset the date/time on her mobile to 2am some night last week, added a new number to the phone with her sisters name on it, then sent a txt from that number. finally after txt received reset proper date/time,. then show you the txt, and sometime later remove bogus number from phone. (even easier to do trick if sister is actually in on the scam so no need for bogus number)

Ask yourself why didn't she show you the txt there and then if it really was from her sister.

LegacyUser

Personally if someone cheated on me once I would be gone. It is probably the most selfish, hurtful thing when can do to someone they supposedly love and I'd be asking very serious questions of their character. However I understand if some people believe in a second chance. But for gods sake, three times shes been screwing you over AND this is only in the first 2 years of the relationship??? What do you think shes going to be like when in 5-10 years when the excitement is well and truly gone? Listen to me carefully, girls like that don't change she couldn't give a **** about your feelings or else she would never had engaged in sexting after all the hurt she caused by cheating on you. This is about her, its about HER having fun and you are but a fleeting second thought. I know girls like this they are the spawn of the celtic tiger who feel they are entitled to get and do whatever they want. You get the hell out of there before it gets more serious and kids etc. are on the way. Think about this....you've caught her THREE times its very possible that shes done this stuff many more times when you haven't caught her.
From your response it seems you don't want to break up with her though no matter what though and that all these opinions aren't going to change your mind. But take it from me, if a girl betrays your trust 3 times in a 2 year relationship its time to get the hell out of there.

ando

runfaraway wrote: »

Personally if someone cheated on me once I would be gone. It is probably the most selfish, hurtful thing when can do to someone they supposedly love and I'd be asking very serious questions of their character

Yes it is indeed the most hurtful thing anyone could do to you. I just dont understand ppl that do it, like what part of them thinks that its ok to do it?? I will never understand them yokes that do it and get a laugh/trill from it. Ugly trait to have. I'd say run for the hills, she seems like a LOT of work but I know its a lot harder to do in real life!

Caliden

OP you need to take a step back and look at the situation as a whole logically.

The trust in the relationship is gone and without that you just can't enjoy it.

As hard and depressing as it might seem, you are better off moving on before she hurts you again.

LegacyUser

Ok all, thanks for your advice.

It seems I should face upto the truth that it unfortunately might never get easy and you're right, its no way to live a relationship if I'm always on the edge, so I guess there's really only one solution and thats to walk away while I can.

If a mod could close this I'd appreciate it.

Thanks all for the advice, it is so much appreciated

Silverfish

unsureanduneasy wrote: »

Ok all, thanks for your advice.

It seems I should face upto the truth that it unfortunately might never get easy and you're right, its no way to live a relationship if I'm always on the edge, so I guess there's really only one solution and thats to walk away while I can.

If a mod could close this I'd appreciate it.

Thanks all for the advice, it is so much appreciated

Will do.

I think you're doing the right thing, for what it's worth. It's just not a healthy relationship.

Thread closed (OP pm a PI mod if you want it re-opened for any reason)