Heartbroken Parent

AminoAcid

I post regularly elsewhere, but felt it necessary to register a new user name to post here.

First off apologies in advance for any untoward comments in the following - this is all new to me.

My teenaged son told me recently that he is gay and the truth is I'm heartbroken, disappointed, sad, crying, angry, alone, you name it and I'm feeling it. I'm even crying again now writing this.

I know how hard it was for him to tell me, I do understand that and I told him so and how much I love him.

I love my boy so much & I guess I'm no different from most parents in making sacrifices to bring up children as best as they can. And now all that effort seems to be for nothing.

Everything I've read says I'm supposed to accept this; but I find the whole concept alien and frankly icky.

I hate the thought of seeing him wearing make up or girls clothes or behaving in a camp way; this may be a sterotype, but reading the posts on this board it seems common enough. I hate losing him to a separate world that I don't know and don't understand and probably never will understand. Much of it seems very sleezy to me.

I've got no one I can talk to, I can't tell anyone as it's not for me to do so.

I feel I've lost my son and my heart is breaking.

ElleEm

AminoAcid wrote: »

I hate the thought of seeing him wearing make up or girls clothes or behaving in a camp way; this may be a sterotype, but reading the posts on this board it seems common enough. I hate losing him to a separate world that I don't know and don't understand and probably never will understand. Much of it seems very sleezy to me.

Just because your son has told you he's gay does not mean he has changed. He is probably just more comfortable with you now and feels like he doesn't have to keep secrets.
Has he said that he is transgender/ cross dresser? Because if he has not said this, the liklihood of him wearing girl's clothes is out.

Your son is sexually attracted to men instead of women, that is all!
Not all gay people are outwardly camp, and I understand that you are afraid of this, but it is important not to change how you feel about him. He is your son and you love him.

Links234

AminoAcid wrote: »

I feel I've lost my son and my heart is breaking.

try not to think of this as a loss, but a gain. perhaps if you try to think of it as getting to know your son better, an opportunity to have a closer relationship?

Hardaway

idk u sound like kindof a douchebag, sortof feel like these coming out narratives place so much emphasis on like "parents acceptance" i mean wtf why are we supposed to dance around your prejudices so much? You should probably just get over it i mean.

Pudding11

I find it sad that you think all your efforts as a parent have been for nothing. Your son is gay, thats just who he is. He would have been that way regardless of what type of parent you were/are. The fact that he felt comfortable enough to tell you means you must be a good parent and he felt like he could share this with you. Not all people feel that way and you should be happy about that.
All people are different. Its not as simple as gay or straight. You can have straight men who wear make up and look after their appearance more than the average woman, and you can have gay men who you may not know are gay unless they tell you as they are just your average male. Just because your son is gay doesnt mean he will immediately become a cross dressing, make up wearing, camp sort of guy. And if he did, you are just going to have to come to terms with it. Whatever he ends up being/doing, he is still your son and is still the same person. He will be counting on your support as no doubt he is coming to terms with his sexuality himself.
You find the concept alien and icky because its new to you. You need to give yourself time to understand it thats all. Right now you are feeling all these emotions as its still raw but first and foremost think of your son. Think about it before you make any knee jerk responses to him(such as i think this is icky!) that will end up hurting your relationship later.
It may not feel that way now but you will find this isnt as awful as you think right now once you give it time!

ElleEm

Hardaway wrote: »

idk u sound like kindof a douchebag, sortof feel like these coming out narratives place so much emphasis on like "parents acceptance" i mean wtf why are we supposed to dance around your prejudices so much? You should probably just get over it i mean.

Eh, that's a bit harsh!
The OP only started this thread to say how she/ he is feeling and ask advice on how to cope.
You seem really angry and I don't think your post was helpful.

A lemon

The short answer:
Lighten up.

The long answer:
I think a lot of your feelings are coming from a complete misunderstanding of what it means to be gay. It has nothing to do with wearing make-up, or dresses, or being a sleaze for that matter. He's attracted to people of the same sex, in the same way that you're attracted to people of the opposite sex. You say all your effort seems to be for nothing - what does that mean? Is he worthless now that he has told you that he's gay, or is he simply taking a brave and honest step that would have been much more difficult were it not for the values you taught him, and the effort you put into his upbringing. Is he a good son? Is he responsible? Does he treat people with respect? These are the things that will determine how he fares in life, not his sexual orientation. In this day and age, there is no reason to think you have "lost" anything. He can have a bright future, and marriage/kids if he so wishes (only a matter of a few years before the politics catch up with the public). You should be proud that your son had the courage to tell you, probably knowing that you wouldn't understand - a brave man. So quit the self-pity, open your mind and don't sweat the small stuff. In short, don't be such a drama queen. Bookmark this post and come back to it in a year. You'll probably (hopefully) be mortified and/or laughing.

sweetie

maybe you need to get used to it a bit but apart from the potential of having grand children (at the moment) I don't really see you losing anything. You have a son who trusts and loves you enough to tell you this big thing and he will need your advice and help as he continues his journey through life. If he were straight and a cross dresser would you still be upset. It seems that you have a few things mixed up. Maybe there is somewhere to call privately to talk about this for you?

Zillah

Give it some time, it'll seem weird and awkward for a while despite the best intentions. Just remember that it's not his fault, it's not your fault, it's just a thing that is. And don't think about sex. Imagining other people having sex is rarely nice, regardless of their orientation. I can't imagine many parents are comfortable imagining what their kids get up to in bed regardless of who they're with.

There are plenty of books about what it's like in this situation, both for the parent and the offspring. Try reading one. See about meeting other parents of gay kids, it's really not as big a deal as you're feeling. A lot of what you're afraid of seems to be based on fear and confusion. Not all gay men have an interest in cross-dressing or make up. It strikes me a totally pointless and unpleasant, it'd probably be a strange to me as a straight guy. Same goes for women's clothes. But anyway, even if he does want to do drag...I'm afraid you don't get a choice in this. You can either try to learn about your son as he really is and maintain a relationship, or you can be stubborn and risk ruining everything - a decision you will undoubtedly regret in years to come.

You're not the first to go through this by a long long shot. Do some reading, find out how other people felt. There's nothing wrong with feeling a little overwhelmed or confused about such big news, just remind yourself that it's something you'll have to get used to. Also, talk to your son more about this, you still seem a little unclear on what exactly it is he's telling you. Did he say anything about make-up or cross dressing, or are you just assuming that based on misconceptions about gay people?

There definitely is a sleazy side to the gay scene, but then again straight people aren't exactly angels all the time. If that part of it becomes an issue then express your concerns about it as any parent might - not because he's gay, but because sleaziness is horrible.

And honestly, drop the melodramatic angle of things. You haven't lost anything, your son is still alive and healthy and trying to share his life with you, which is something not all parents can say. Right now this is all new and confusing to you, take some time to get used to it, but don't ever say anything about feeling like you've lost him again. That's a horrible, selfish and unkind thing to say, and it's not fair to him. The only thing you've lost is an illusion about your son, now you know him better. Hurray.

Chuchoter

I was in your son's position last year. It was pretty terrible. Before I say anything else, please be as nice to him as you can and don't ask him to change even if right now you don't agree with it. What happens now, though heat of the moment, will change how he thinks of you forever.

My parents felt just like you did, but they didn't say it to me directly. I felt like I had killed their daughter. I had gone from being model child in all the gifted programs, getting As in everything to being a lesbian. Everything else about me disappeared in their eyes. I was a failure. They had wasted their time, effort and money. They did everything imaginable to stop me being gay, it didn't work! Basically what I'm saying is how you feel is normal, but please be the adult in the situation and hold your tongue about how you feel about him killing your son. The whole thing is scary and new but that doesn't mean all your dreams for him are crushed, they're just slightly different. I can't say to you 'Deal with it, thats the way it is', because that would be unfair, I understand that this must be really hard.

The likelihood of him dressing up in girls clothes is fairly slim. The general conception is that gay=wants to be opposite gender, but its not like that. Most gay people are just normal people who go off living their lives and being gay really isn't a massive part of their lives other than the person they love is the same gender. The reason it seems like all gay people are really camp is they are the easiest ones to see. Your son is the exact same person he always was, but he has trusted you enough to tell you this thing thats probably been eating up a fair portion of his life.

You say that it seems like he is disappearing off into a separate world, this really isn't the case. Its a shame we don't have (hate to put it this way) normal people in the public eye who are gay, because I think that would dispel a lot of the myths surrounding things. Gay people have proper jobs and houses and families like everyone else, we just never see it. Its not a separate world, and I don't really think its any sleezier than the straight equivalent.

AminoAcid

@Links234 - I would have said we had a great relationship up to about 12-18 months ago; in fact friends would have commented what a good relationship we had.

But when communication was replaced with monosylabic answers and grunts I put that down to normal teenager stuff; looking back now it was most likely that he was coming to terms with this himself.

His disclosure hasn't made things any better.

Pudding11

@Links234 - I would have said we had a great relationship up to about 12-18 months ago; in fact friends would have commented what a good relationship we had.

But when communication was replaced with monosylabic answers and grunts I put that down to normal teenager stuff; looking back now it was most likely that he was coming to terms with this himself.

His disclosure hasn't made things any better.

I think you are reading too much into this. Based on all the teenagers I know/have known, that is normal teenage behaviour at some point or other! I doubt he would be any different even if he werent coming to terms with this.

Chuchoter

I did that too. Me and my mum had an amazing relationship, we talked about everything. My friends were always like 'Oh I wish I was as good friends with my mum and dad as you are'.

I stopped talking as much when I realized I was gay because I was worried she would catch on and I would tell her the wrong way. In fact I mostly stopped talking to anyone. It was a combination of being really excited, terrified, guilt and anger.

That he has told you shows you he trusts, respects and loves you. Your relationship is closer than most peoples. The thing is, while part of this is about his coming out, part of it also just growing up. You can't be attached at the hip to your parents forever. Can I ask how old he is?

Annasopra

Hi there Amino Acid

This kind of thing is of course difficult to go through when you had expectations of your sons future.

Your son hasnt changed though - just your expectations for him and to be honest - your expectations of the world now for your son are not necessarily reality

I hate the thought of seeing him wearing make up or girls clothes or behaving in a camp way; this may be a sterotype, but reading the posts on this board it seems common enough. I hate losing him to a separate world that I don't know and don't understand and probably never will understand. Much of it seems very sleezy to me.

Many (my guess is most) gay men do not wear makeup or girls clothes or behave camply

You will not lose your son to any separate world if you keep lines of communication open with him and love and support him no matter what. This may not be easy and I appreciate that.

There is a parents support group that can offer guidance, listening and support

http://www.lovingouroutkids.org/contact.html

Beruthiel

AminoAcid wrote: »

My teenaged son told me recently that he is gay and the truth is I'm heartbroken, disappointed, sad, crying, angry, alone, you name it and I'm feeling it. I'm even crying again now writing this.

Sit back and think logically about why you are so upset about this.
I mean, your son is the same son you loved last week. Nothing has changed, only now you know he prefers men to woman.
So what?
I mean, you want him to be happy don't you?

I guess I'm no different from most parents in making sacrifices to bring up children as best as they can. And now all that effort seems to be for nothing.

I have a daughter, I put a lot of work into making sure she grew up happy.
I find your last comment there to be pretty shocking.
Appalling even.
What do you mean by all that effort seems to be for nothing?
Are you saying that you would only have put effort into him if he grew up straight and behaved and lived in a manner which came to your standard?
That's not why you have a child.
As a parent, you only have the right to expect your child to be happy, every other decision and path in life is up to them.

I find the whole concept alien and frankly icky.

Icky?
Might I suggest that you educate yourself on the subject. It's no more icky than being straight.

I hate the thought of seeing him wearing make up or girls clothes or behaving in a camp way; this may be a sterotype, but reading the posts on this board it seems common enough.

Was he doing this already?
Because you don't just turn into the above person over night.

I hate losing him to a separate world that I don't know and don't understand and probably never will understand.

Make an effort to educate yourself. Watch some films to start off with.
Try this gentle little french film to start with.
You'll find loads of films on youtube.
Shelter is another lovely film which can be found on youtube.

Much of it seems very sleezy to me.

Sleezy?
Loving another person is sleezy now?

I feel I've lost my son and my heart is breaking.

You've only lost your son if you let him go.
This is completely down to you. It is your decision.
Why not throw yourself into this and get to know his world as much as you can?
It could be fun you know.
Seriously. It's all in how you approach it.
Best of luck!

dory

I think you need to look at this differently.

All that effort you put in would have been for nothing if he had felt like he couldn't tell you at all, went off to Dublin or London or whatever to lead a different life, came home to you occasionally and said nothing of this other life.

This happens a lot! You obviously have a great relationship with your son in that he didn't feel the need to do this. You should be happy about that!

As for the icky, believe me - a lot of gay people find the idea of two straight peope being together pretty icky. It's all about accepting one another.

A lemon

Also, you can solve the ick factor by not spending time thinking about your son's sex life. It's not your business, gay or straight.

AminoAcid

I had a long reply typed and then lost it all, don't have time to redo it now.

Can I say thank you to all for your replies, will post back later.

Doop

Theres not much I could ad after all thats been said.

Just some points to remember, he is the same kid he was last week, he hasnt been putting on an 'act' for your benefit, he just held back some information, which you now know. Not a whole lot has changed. Most kids dont discuss their sex life with their parents, but your forced to on some level when you tell your parents your gay.

I know your having difficulty dealing with this but spare a thought for how difficult the last few years have been for him, dealing with this all by himself. And if hes told you it means he's come through it, and will be a stronger person for it. I could go on about the emotions felt, such as depression, self loathing etc, but dont want to put a negative spin on the situation.

I know its hard to think of it this way but it, (in an ideal world) should be a moment for you to be proud of your son, and yourself (by the fact he felt he could tell you).

also on a side note, I think its fair to assume the majority of gay guys dont wear make up and cross dress. You will have met many, many gay people in your daily life but simply not have known, as most of the time its not outwardly obvious.

AminoAcid

Again, thank you to everyone who replied

Re

Are you saying that you would only have put effort into him if he grew up straight and behaved and lived in a manner which came to your standard?

No, that's not what I meant; more that I feel in spite of my efforts I still failed as a parent.

you can solve the ick factor ....

It's the whole concept that I find alien & strange, not just the notion of sex with a man; though that itself strikes me as quite brutal (again, apologies there is no offence intended here).

I can and have guided/helped/advised my children on most aspects of their lives as they've grown up through the teenage years, I've dealt with all the usual things from underage drinking, crushes, bullying, school problems etc., etc., I'm totally lost on this one.

The 'sleaze' factor perhaps stems from my travelling experiences in certain asian countries where prostitution is rife; I accept its not necessarily an accurate view. Fear of the dentist is not always a rational fear - it doesn't make it any less real.

@Johnnymcg - yes, I agree my expectations have changed; I would also agree that a child's life is theirs to decide but in the normal course of events I would at least have understood the world he was living in. Does that make sense?

I don't know if many/most/majority of gay men act/speak/dress in a certain fashion; any that I've met either here or abroad seem to have their own code of behaviour.

@dory - yes I think you are probably right, but if I'm totally honest, a part of me feels angry that he could have waited till he was at University (and that won't be long), since given where we live he will move out of home at that time.

@Beruthiel - thank you for your suggestions, I'm afraid I don't feel strong enough to watch movies at this time.

@crayolastereo - yes he seemed to do the same thing, just shut down completely. I just sat and waited for the last 12 months, thinking he'd eventually come out of it.

littlehedgehog

Much of what I'd want to say has already been said, and I just wanted to add one more point.

It feels right now that absolutely everything has changed and shattered and tilted and it's never going to be the same again.

This feeling will pass. This feeling is incorrect.

Pretty much nothing has changed. For the vast, vast majority of LGBT people, their entire lives are almost carbon copy of a straight person's life - the only difference is the sex of their partner.

He is more than likely still going to want to get the career, and the house, and the car, and the nice holidays and all that.

For me, personally, the only difference between me, and my good friend Miss X, is that I generally go LGBT bars, and I'll probably spend my life with a girl, rather than a boy. (Probably, because I consider sexuality quite fluid, but that's another discussion)

I'm in the same job, with the same access to promotions,
I'm equally as happy and secure in myself
I have the same sized circle of friends, who I have just as much fun with.
My interests (reading, internet, few pints, jogging, cinema, eating out, etc etc) are the same.

Yes, you are going to find the concept alien - you are not gay yourself. What you can do is read the many resources online for parents of gay children - this will help you find the concept less weird.

Again - RIGHT NOW this feels alien, weird, wrong - you are in shock. This feeling will pass.

Now your relationship with him is truthful, open and genuine - talk to him. He can tell you how he feels - to him, this is normal. He has felt this way for a long time. If you let him, if you talk with him honestly, and don't push him away, he can help you deal with this, and you can support and help him too. He needs you as much as you need him.


ETA - I just saw you posted again. You have NOT failed as a parent. If he couldn't say this to you, THEN you would've failed as a parent.

Craebear

And remember, he needs you now more than ever.

Annasopra

AminoAcid wrote: »

@Johnnymcg - yes, I agree my expectations have changed; I would also agree that a child's life is theirs to decide but in the normal course of events I would at least have understood the world he was living in. Does that make sense?

I don't know if many/most/majority of gay men act/speak/dress in a certain fashion; any that I've met either here or abroad seem to have their own code of behaviour.

Yes - it makes sense but Im not quite sure what you think a gay world is? You seem to have some ideas that the "gay world" - (by the way - we all live in one world) is all about sleaze, sex and gender variance - I can very much assure that it is not

As doop has pointed out many many people in this world are gay and "ordinary" and dont live in the world that you have built up in your head. Look around you - there are people living ordinary lives that you meet every single day who are gay. These people are not living some sleazy icky gender variant lifestyle.

I think first of all you need to be thankful that your son is not in some sleazy places in Amsterdam or Asia - he is at home with you -

Yes it is a shock but he is still your son and you can shut down the relationship with him now because you dont understand what you perceive a gay lifestyle might be or you can keep it open

My suggestion again is - Talk to parents support, maybe go to one of their meetings, talk to other parents who have gone through this, talk to your son - tell him you find this difficult but that you trust him and want him to be safe and happy at all times

GalwayGuy92

I'm sure it has been said before but just because your son is gay doesn't mean all the effort you put into raising him is for naught, he is still a man, a person, and much more importantly your son. Try to remember this because there is an ENORMOUS amount of hurt felt after telling a parent and seeing their dreams shatter in front of your eyes, and then feel their discomfort in dealing with you! (I speak from personal experience and I'm sure a lot of people will say similar).

Yes you are hurting and no one will deny that, but being gay is not a flaw. Be strong and try to be supportive or even just not disapproving if it's too difficult right now!

cigar

i tell you, your son is more of a man than i was when i was a teenager! I had a fantastic relationship with my mother, but didn't have the balls to tell her that i was gay until years later! Clearly you have a very strong relationship, and I can imagine that there are lots of young guys and gals reading this who wish that they'd have the same courage to come out to their parents.

Regarding the make-up wearing, limp-wristed drag-queenlet that you are imagining that your son will be... it's been said before, but the chances are rather slim... If, however that's how he decides to live his life, then show him the same respect that he has shown you, and try to accept it.

There are loads of guys and gals that are gay and the straight population would probably have no idea, simply because they are not adhering to the camp (butch) stereotypes. I for one, am a hefty, hairy, beer-bellied bloke and not many people would guess that I am gay. They seem just as shocked when I introduce my boyfriend of 8 years to them.

Which brings me to the "icky" and "sleazy" comments that you made... This was disappointing. The media image of gay people is fully to blame, in my opinion. Of course there is that element, but it's not unique to the gay community.

I'm rambling I know, but I dont often post on boards - I just had to respond to this one. You really should be happy that your son has had the courage to come out to you. Being gay is completely natural - a minority in the natural world, maybe, but it will have little or no affect on how your son will turn out. All I needed when I came out was for my family to be there for me, to listen to me, to support me. I will be forever grateful to them for their responses.

I can only advise you to do the same.

Jinxi

I think you are in shock Amino. It is obvious you love your son but you thought he was going down one path in life and now it has shifeted ever so slightly.
I bet like all parents all you want for him is to be happy. He has just taken a big brave step towards this, and although you may have no experience of it, you should be proud of him.
I would say you have done a wonderful job as a parent. You have brought up a son who is true to himself inspite of outside pressure. Who is honest and obviously you have a great relationship. The worry about what the neighbour will think will fade(I assume that was the reason why you would have prefered for him to wait until he was no longer living at home??)
No one knows their children more than a mother. You know him probably still better than he knows himself. You know where his moral compass lies, what he finds funny, what hurts his feelings. he is still the boy you brought up.
The gay world will only be as alien as you let it. If you push him away, you will never know who his friends are gay or straight, and it will always be like you are cut off from that part of him.
As someone mentioned, a persons sex life is nowhere for a mother to be anyway!!! Just try and guide him to still find someone genuine who loves him and wants the best fro him, as you would have liked him to find if he was straight.
Mostly, take a step back and analyse what you see as being important in your sons life and who you know him truely to be. He is still the same kid who crawled into your bed in the middle of the ight when he couldn't sleep!

Beruthiel

AminoAcid wrote: »

Re No, that's not what I meant; more that I feel in spite of my efforts I still failed as a parent.

How exactly did you fail?
Is your son healthy, happy, doing well in school?
If the answer is yes, then you did not fail.

Or, do you actually consider that you had some control on whither he became gay or not?
You didn't/don't have any control over mother nature.

It's the whole concept that I find alien & strange

At the risk of repeating myself, get to know a little more, it won't feel so alien.

not just the notion of sex with a man; though that itself strikes me as quite brutal (again, apologies there is no offence intended here).

Some straight people have brutal sex. Some gentle. The same goes for gay people.

The 'sleaze' factor perhaps stems from my travelling experiences in certain asian countries where prostitution is rife; I accept its not necessarily an accurate view.

Of course it's not accurate.
Only around 10% of the earths population is gay. If you want profit in prostitution, then 90% of what's on offer is for the straight people.
So what you saw in asia was mostly for straight people.

I don't know if many/most/majority of gay men act/speak/dress in a certain fashion; any that I've met either here or abroad seem to have their own code of behaviour.

I'm betting you only notice the ones who stand out. I'd bet a months wages you've met many more gay people than you know, they just didn't seem any different from what you would see as straight.
Gay people are like everyone else, they come in all shapes and sizes.

thank you for your suggestions, I'm afraid I don't feel strong enough to watch movies at this time.

I didn't throw you in at the deep end. They are nothing more than stories about life and love.
Here's a link to Shelter, if you change your mind.
It's at the bottom of the page.

Dr. Baltar

As someone who came out last year at 19 I can only look at this from the perspective of your son.
Telling your parents that you are not straight is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I would equate it to standing naked on a stage in front of hundreds of people and saying "this is me". For that crowd to accept what they see must be an amazing feeling being totally yourself. But if you are rejected it can be a very painful process.

My parents reaction to my coming out was similar to your own. The thought of a gay son was and is extremely alien to them. And so they did the worst thing that they could possibly have done. Rather than talk about it and voice their opinions, they ignored it. They pretended that I had never come out.

It's gone to a better stage now, where I can have fantastic conversations with my parents, and my father even goes to support gay pride now which is something that really puts me at ease.

My suggestion is simple. Be there for your son! Watch an LGBT film together! Ask your son to explain the things you don't understand. Engage with him.

By doing this, not only are you letting him know that you are acknowledging his coming out, but it's starting you down a road of not only having your relationship "repaired" but your relationship will become stronger than ever before. This is a golden opportunity for you and your son. Don't let it slip through your fingers, and never ever forget your love for him. That's the most important thing!

http://www.belongto.org/service.aspx?sectionid=144

ninty9er

Hey Amino Acid

Did you see the series Growing Up Gay? on RTÉ last year?

There's a link here that will show an experience of a parent in a similar situaiton to your own.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4rRi64_znE

You mention you have other kids. It may be as well to have one of your son's brothers or sisters talk to him from the heart as they may be more willing to accept it than you. Their acceptance will mean a lot to him.

I wouldn't normally advise someone to tell anyone that someone else is gay, but if he has a brother or sister that he is particularly close to, then it might be easier for the three of you to come to terms with it together.

My dad was quite upset for a week or two, but never told me, just my mam and she kept me informed. He's fine with it now, it no more a topic of discussion, I made it quite clear to them that I don't want to discuss it. I'm gay, I'm no different than I was before I told them.

Your son has done something really, really difficult in telling you, really difficult beyond your comprehension. Don't make him feel any worse than he may already after your reaction.

Try here for some more people in your situation
http://www.lovingouroutkids.org/equality.html

stephen_n

I'm trying to get my head around seeing this from the OP's position to better understand her fears but can't really make that leap. As a parent I want the best for my kids and would be devastated to be told something that I thought would harm or hinder them. As a bi person though I know that the issue of sexuality doesn't fall under that sphere.

OP what exactly is it that scares you most about this? It seems from your post (and I could be wrong) that you are worried about what people will think? If that is the case then you really shouldn't be worried, there is a lot more acceptance in this country than there used to be. If your worried about loosing your son, the only one who is going to decide that is you. Your views of being gay are very skewed so educating yourself would probably be the first course of action. Chances are there would be gay people in your life that you don't know are gay. I'm sure this is a shock to your system as it clearly runs contrary to your hopes and phantasies about your son, but don't loose sight of the reality in having to let go of those dreams. The reality is the son you love and who seemingly loves you, focus on that and the rest will fall into place eventually. You don't have to like this yet but you need to accept that it is real.

swirlser

Well give it some time anyway. Its clear this is all still quite raw to you and even tho its easier said than done, a little time to let the initial shock wear off before you get yourself even more worked up about it is the best thing to do right now.

I think your preconceived notions on what it is to be gay and what the gay world/community is all about is very tainted. When you have calmed down I think you should try some of the links provided by others to educate yourself. Being gay simply means being attracted to the same sex, anything else you attach to it is an idea you or someone else has generated.

I dont personally like to dress up in womens clothing, I have full control over my wrists, I dont have a lisp and Im fairly sure glitter doesnt shoot out of my fabulous <insert orifice here> when I 'score' (while listening to an 80s Madonna hit, obvs!!). Stereotyping isnt fun, if I presumed you to be Irish, would it be fair to say that you have red hair, chase rainbows, believe in leprechauns, get drunk daily and have an extreme passion for potatoes (Im sure I missed some ) - would that be an accurate summary of who you are?

It saddens me you feel you have failed as a parent, but hopefully in time you will see things differently. Looking at this from the outside it does seem odd that you would evaluate your success as a parent on something you have absolutely no control over...

Aard

Hi OP,

[snip]

AminoAcid wrote: »

I love my boy so much & I guess I'm no different from most parents in making sacrifices to bring up children as best as they can. And now all that effort seems to be for nothing.

It only seems to be for nothing because you had a reasonable expectation that he'd end up with a girlfriend, kids, and you could do all sorts of "regular" mom stuff, and now you've been thrown off-kilter by the news that, effectively, you won't be doing any of that. It's normal. But all the things you were silently hoping for could easily have not happened because of other factors (injury, illness, death, moving to Australia, having a low libido...); it's just convenient that the reason is something that's "acceptable" to be upset by because it's not something that you'd ever think about.

Everything I've read says I'm supposed to accept this; but I find the whole concept alien and frankly icky.

"Acceptance" does not mean in any way approving of something. It basically means saying to yourself, "OK. This has happened. I mightn't like it, but there's not much I can do about it." It means not burying your head in the sand and pretending it doesn't exist.

As for the whole "icky" thing. Let's be blunt: you're talking about anal sex. Now let's be clear: not all gay people have anal sex. I'd imagine the same percentage of straight people also have anal sex. Ask yourself, if your son was straight, would you be thinking about his sexual habits? Probably not. If most parents actually knew what their kids were getting up to in bed, then they'd probably think it was "icky" too.

I hate the thought of seeing him wearing make up or girls clothes or behaving in a camp way; this may be a sterotype, but reading the posts on this board it seems common enough.

Probably will never happen.

I hate losing him to a separate world that I don't know and don't understand and probably never will understand. Much of it seems very sleezy to me.

You never will understand it. I've been at it for a long time, and I still don't understand it. Wait, what are we actually talking about? Is it clubs and bars? If so, yeah it's a gay bar. A bar where gay people go. IMO, they're not that great, and I can't remember the last time I went to one. Or is it some seedy underworld of group sex and STDs? Because that is in the very very minority.

OTOH, it's very possible to settle down with somebody and, in the near future, all but marry them. Act like a "normal" couple, do "normal" things. Do the groceries, go to college, scrape some money together for a restaurant. There's not much different between my life and anybody elses, other than that I live with another guy.

I feel I've lost my son and my heart is breaking.

He's not gone; you'll realise this with time.




The most important thing I can say is that being gay is exactly like being straight, except that guys like guys. All the rest of it -- campness, promiscuity, for example -- is down to the individual.

DS333

I'm writing this for your son's sake, else I'd never divulge it.

I tried to tell my mother when I was 17. Before I got that far, as I merely broached the subject of gay men, she spat out the words, "They wallow in ****" like a rattlesnake, with pure hatred in her eyes. When I finally told her at 40 she just looked me in the eye and said, "I hope you never practice."

Ever since I was a little kid I was brought up to hate myself and everything about me. I believed everything they said about people like me. They didn't know I was gay. It wasn't deliberate. They destroyed my childhood nonetheless.

I've wanted to die since I was 6. I've lost count of the number of times I've gone to commit suicide. It's a miracle I'm still here.

I am who I am. I did not choose my sexual orientation. Neither did your son.

You've been 'programmed' to believe that we're weird and disgusting, and you will lose your son if you don't alter your beliefs. He needs to know that you love him and respect him for who he is. He doesn't need to see tears and hand-wringing. He might even need you to help him accept himself.

Will you?

Ask yourself if I'm disgusting or what was done to me was disgusting.

And just remember that there are as many weird heterosexuals out there, AND, as in the case of homosexuals, they are in the MINORITY.

Be kind to your son. Be a mother to him, the mother you've always been. But don't overdo it, because that will drive him wild as well. It might very well depend on you whether he lives a happy adult life or not.

I hope for his sake that you do what's right. I'd never wish what I went through on my worst enemy.

AminoAcid

Thank you all so much for posting and for writing your own stories, I really do appreciate that you have taken the time to do so.

When I came home from work this evening, I hugged him and said I was sorry if I hadn't been a better parent; I explained that my whole world was tipped upside down 12 years ago (different story) and I didn't expect it to happen again. To which my smart-alec of a son replied, 'well if it's been tipped over twice that means you're the right way up now!' And at least I managed to laugh within the tears.

I don't pretend to be any less hurt, upset etc., but at least I feel a little less bereft; so thank you all for that.

you are worried about what people will think

I'm more worried about bullying/school & the like to be honest. And yes there are other members of the family and I will find it difficult to deal with them when/if he discloses to them, but that's his decision and not mine.

Chuchoter

Serious well done, I would have killed to hear that from my parents

In terms of bullying, stop him if he is putting himself in danger by telling the wrong people, but even if he does, I think the support of your parents counteracts anything the friends can say.

alexjk

I think some aspects of your reaction are perfectly natural. When we find something out about someone that we didn't suspect, I think it's normal to need a bit of time to digest that information. I'm embarrassed thinking about it now, but when I first found that my sister was in a relationship with a woman, I was shocked because I never had any inkling that she was bisexual. By the sounds of your last post, it sounds like you're working your way through it.

hypersquirrel

As most of the others have said, your reaction is understandable.

It's a shock. I told my mother 2 months ago and things have been a bit weird since but she's coming around to it. She has to work through many of the same things that it took me 10 years to come to terms.

Read up about it. Give yourself time to let it sink in. Be honest with your son, many of the concerns you have he has probably been through already. In the long term your son has taken the first step to insuring a happy future and as long as he's happy then you have succeeded as a parent.

stephen_n

AminoAcid wrote: »

I'm more worried about bullying/school & the like to be honest. And yes there are other members of the family and I will find it difficult to deal with them when/if he discloses to them, but that's his decision and not mine.

There are consequences to your son being gay and as a parent I understand wanting to protect your children but tbh if he were straight he might get bullied anyway! Showing your son you love him and trying as best you can to accept him is probably the best protection you can give him in life.

WhosUpDocs

All my sentiments have been expressed in the thread already. I feel I still need to post to offer a little more reassurance. Coming out to my Dad was one of the hardest things but it's only as a result of the respect I have for him and the way he raised my that made me able to do it. Feel privileged that he respects you enough to tell you. Plenty of people lie about who they are their whole life and that's not one bit healthy

Remember everyone is different people aren't pigeon-holed my their sexuality.

Normal is relative and people who matter love you for who you are not some stereotypical image of one aspect of you!

Everyone is weird and wonderful in their own way!: www.makemymood.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/weird.jpg

hotmail.com

AminoAcid wrote: »

Thank you all so much for posting and for writing your own stories, I really do appreciate that you have taken the time to do so.

When I came home from work this evening, I hugged him and said I was sorry if I hadn't been a better parent; I explained that my whole world was tipped upside down 12 years ago (different story) and I didn't expect it to happen again. To which my smart-alec of a son replied, 'well if it's been tipped over twice that means you're the right way up now!' And at least I managed to laugh within the tears.

I don't pretend to be any less hurt, upset etc., but at least I feel a little less bereft; so thank you all for that.

I'm more worried about bullying/school & the like to be honest. And yes there are other members of the family and I will find it difficult to deal with them when/if he discloses to them, but that's his decision and not mine.

If your son is ever made fun because he's gay, you better defend him all the way. That means making sure the school sorts out bullies and telling off any family members that might have homophobic opinions.

For many people nowadays being gay isn't an issue.

Hexydezimal

From one woman to another, I truly admire your honesty AminoAcid.

It takes some real courage on your part to be so frank with your feelings, even if they are not exactly politically correct.

I wish I had a loving mother like you myself, let alone a mother at all; alas, my mother has been missing from my life's equation since I was young.

As a transsexual who was negatively received by my own remaining parent, let me tell you: it really matters to your son. He is baring his soul to you by telling you such a thing. It is in your hands to crush his spirits or to lift him up as a person that he will love dearly as a result.

Keep in mind that your son has no control over his nature, just as I do not; whomever he finds attractive was decided by the dice roll of biology.

So ultimately, approaching it from the negative angle will only serve to drive a wedge between the two of you. This did indeed result in my father and I becoming estranged, because he could not accept me for who I was.

As to bullying and the relatives, crayolastereo and hotmail.com are right on there...

Having the support of your parent(s) is everything; it will give him the backing he needs to fight back. Certainly doesn't hurt to step in yourself and show people that mothers can still be fiercely protective in this day and age; it bears reminding for all, and will make them think twice about bullying or looking down on the next kid.

Beruthiel

AminoAcid wrote: »

I don't pretend to be any less hurt, upset etc., but at least I feel a little less bereft; so thank you all for that.

That's great to hear AA.
Time will help you get over the shock.
Now that he has told you a great weight has been lifted from his shoulders. Your positive reaction can only bring ye closer together.
Best of luck.

Hexydezimal

DS333 wrote: »

Ever since I was a little kid I was brought up to hate myself and everything about me. I believed everything they said about people like me. They didn't know I was gay. It wasn't deliberate. They destroyed my childhood nonetheless.

I've wanted to die since I was 6. I've lost count of the number of times I've gone to commit suicide. It's a miracle I'm still here.

I am who I am. I did not choose my sexual orientation. Neither did your son.

As a side note, I just wanted to express that I feel for you. My story is basically the same, only I turned out to be female on the inside.

DubArk

So many young people don’t have the nerve to be honest with their parents and the fact that your son did, is a credit to you.

So many young people take their own lives as they have no where to turn. That is a waste of a life!! Count yourself lucky and that you’re not on here asking, why didn’t he talk to me?!?

As far as your misconception about Gay people, you need to stop distressing yourself with stereotypical bull and get with the picture.

I am Gay.
I am contributing to my family and society every day of my life.
I wear men’s clothes.
I love and am loved.
I am in a relationship now for 25 years.
I am happy.
I am something.

Wipe away your tears, educate yourself and support him through a very difficult time in his young life. Your job as a parent is far from over, it’s just another very important part you have to play and you’re lucky that you’re there for this.

Celebrate your son and stop making excuses for your bigotry.
Harsh I know but had to be said.

AminoAcid

AminoAcid wrote: »

I feel I've lost my son and my heart is breaking.

Apologies if this seems a little harsh but I think a little harshness is warranted once it is controlled.

Welcome to the world of parenting. Nearly all parents experience the same thing as you, just not on the same subject of homosexuality.

The problem is all too many parents assume they will know their child, can form that child in the way they want, or can somehow make that child turn out like they want it to.

It rarely happens. The shock most parents inevitably get is that their child is their own person, whether it is because they are gay when you wanted them to be straight, they are a secretary when you wanted them to be a doctor, or they are sitting at a desk when you wanted them to play sport…. A boy when they wanted a girl…. It does not matter. In the end you still wake up to the fact that they are not going to do it all the way you as a parent want them to.

Some of these parents when they realise they have not got the next big GAA player or a high profile doctor might say the awful thing you just did that they now feel “that effort seems to be for nothing” but thankfully you are in the minority. Most parents realise they love their child for what they are, not for what they wanted them to be.

This is not a homosexual issue at all, though you are likely to make it one. It really simply is an issue of your child not turning out exactly as you pictured. Well... they hardly ever do so as harsh as it might seem for me to say it: Welcome to the real world.

You talk about losing a son. I ask you to sit for awhile and read how that sentence would sound to people who actually HAVE lost their son. War, disease, and accident, whatever. They have actually lost their son. How do you think your last line reads to a person like that? You still have your son and there are uncountable numbers of people out there who would gladly have their son be gay, if it meant they could have their son back.

baby and crumble

I just spotted this thread, and kinda wanted to stick in my 2c.

When I came out, I was a bit of a chicken. I knew my Dad was weird about gay stuff, I knew he didn't approve. I told my Mum, who was really great, and she told my Dad for me. I know, totally chicken.

But now, 7 years later, I'm in a long term relationship, my partner was invited by my father to stand with the family at my Mums funeral (in rural Ireland, that's a pretty big deal!!!), and she's accepted as part of my family. I'm pretty sure that my Dad doesn't think too much about my sex life, but he knows I'm doing my best as i go along. he reared me well, as they say, I'm just getting on and doing things my way.

Eventually, before she died, he told my Mum that when he first heard I was gay it freaked him out and he was bit thrown for a loop, like you, he now sees that it's a testament to him and my Mum that I'm living my life the way that I want, I'm not hurting anyone, and I have a long-term partner that means the word to me.

Like you, he was scared by the stereotypes he saw of lesbians. the ones that shave their heads, wear boots and hate men. I am none of those things, and neither is my partner. Like others before me have said, we're just normal people, the only difference is that I fancy Angie rather than Brad.

it may seem like the goalposts have shifted, but they haven't. I have never been bullied because I'm gay. I've never been harassed because I'm gay. I've never had a career opportunity denied to me because I'm gay. I've never been denied a service because I'm gay. people my age (28) and younger don't really care that someone is gay. Not really. yes, there are exceptions, but by and large it will be a case of "yeah, so?"

More than likely you are not the first person he has told about his sexuality. All those mates of his that he's had for years? They all know. And none of them care, probably.

I know my parents struggled, but in time you simply learn to see things differently. Which would you prefer, a gay son who has a steady job and a man who loves him deeply, or one that's in and out of dodgy deals and gets a few girls pregnant? that's an extreme, but it's simply and example.

Best of luck to you all!

Beruthiel

AA
When you're ready, I think films like these will help you on the road to understanding.

Just a Question of Love

Love of Siam

AminoAcid

Welcome to the world of parenting.

With respect, I've been parenting a long time.

their child is their own person

Absolutely, but I don't believe it's wrong to have high expectations for one's children. I expect them to have manners at the table, treat older people with respect, help out in the house, achieve their potential etc., They don't always do that, they swear, slam doors, fail exams and shout just like normal children - that doesn't mean I drop my standards accordingly.

the awful thing you just did that they now feel “that effort seems to be for nothing”

I clarified this in my later post that I felt I'd failed as a parent.

....people out there who would gladly have their son be gay, if it meant they could have their son back.

I do appreciate that; I have tried to be as honest as I could in my post and that is how I felt.

Nevyn

You haven't failed as a parent, it's not our job to make sure our children group up to be straigh, just to do our best that they grow up to be good people.

ninty9er

AminoAcid wrote: »

Absolutely, but I don't believe it's wrong to have high expectations for one's children. I expect them to have manners at the table, treat older people with respect, help out in the house, achieve their potential etc., They don't always do that, they swear, slam doors, fail exams and shout just like normal children - that doesn't mean I drop my standards accordingly.

Being gay is in no way comparable. It's like you being white, or a parent, or a woman; your son is gay. He could easily do all of the above regardless of being straight, gay or bisexual. That is his sexuality.

You seem to ge confusing sexuality with gender also, but you'll overcome that easily enough with some googling.

This is a parent's perspective:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MN_ajbzUfi0

Hexydezimal

With all due respect as well AminoAcid, a gay child is not lowering your standards or failing as a parent. You need to understand that it is something you have never had any control over whatsoever. No amount of raising him differently would have magically made your child not gay.

It is as fundamentally biological as transsexuality is becoming. That is to say, being gay is just another natural variation of the brain.