Older daughters classmate

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this.

I don't know how to start this but I am concerned about some things that have been taking place.
My daughter is in college. She seems to have the attention of an older male classmate who has his own family including a son who is 18 years old and who also attends the same college. This older classmate has been buying her chocolates nearly everyday and up to recently I have not minded it as much, a couple of days ago he gave her a present of a glitter notebook she can use for college, that was fine with me, but then he bought her a jacket!! I started to a bit concerned at this attention. I secretly checked my daughters text messages and he has called her 'my queen' and has even sent her night texts. He is old enough to be her dad. He may be just be friendly but how much is too much? I do trust my daughter but how can I trust him?

I just worry

Ickle Magoo

You trust your daughter yet secretly checked her texts?

How old is she and how does she feel about it all? If she's an adult then whether you feel okay with what gifts she gets from whom is neither here nor there.

Perhaps sit your daughter down and find out how she feels about it and how she's like the situation dealt with - if she wants it dealt with at all.

All the best.

LegacyUser

You shouldn't check her texts

IrishEyes19

Jimmy Duffy wrote: »

You shouldn't check her texts

I agree she should respect her daughters privacy, but what if things take a dirty turn in the future, Id certainly regret not checking her messages if something happened to her, I would put morals out the window and keep her phone if I had to,

Secondly I think what the OP means about trusting her daughter is that she wouldnt intentionally do anything, but its easy for a young woman to be manipulated by an older man, and I think its highly dodgy and weird for a married man to be buying her things to be honest and sending her messages of that nature, its bizarre and creepy

tenchi-fan

It sounds like she got herself a sugar daddy.

If you're concerned you should have a word with her about relationships. At the end of the day your daughter's an adult and is entitled to make her own decisions.

And to echo other posters, stop checking her texts. You have no right to invade her privacy like that.

Whispered

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

keep her phone if I had to,

The op hasn't stated the age of her daughter, but she's in college. The op would have no right to keep her phone. I'd question her right to be sneaking around too, even if she does think it's for her daughters own good.

By sneaking around she's going to push her daughter away and create distrust. Hardly a good thing to be doing if worried about a relationship or potential relationship. She would be best trying to create an atmosphere of open communication, that way she will know whats happening without having to invade her daughters privacy.

OP you should not have looked at her phone. How are you going to bring it up now? Once you tell her you snooped she's not likely to be open with you and tell you what is actually going on.

King of Kings

I disagree. I think the mother was right to check his daughters phone.
The daughter is just joined college (we can assume18 or so) it's a big step up from school life and to think that she isn't over-awed by the whole situation is naive.
You suddenly don't become an adult just cos you can vote/drink etc...it's a gradual process.

Further to this we have a guy with plenty life experience be-friending her.
It wouldn't be that hard for a much older guy to have an younger person fall under their spell.
It could be innocent or not but the mother is quite right to look out for her daughter esp if he has a family (assumed married).

It'll only end in pain for the daughter (if something going on) and what parent wouldn't try and avoid that.

amdublin

Is your daughter over 18?

If so it is none of your business who she is attracted to/going out with.

Time to cut the apron strings mammy.

amdublin

King of Kings wrote: »

It could be innocent or not but the mother is quite right to look out for her daughter esp if he has a family (assumed married).

It'll only end in pain for the daughter (if something going on) and what parent wouldn't try and avoid that.

Who said he is married???

Why will this relationship/friendship end in pain???

Even IF it does, that is life, nothing mammy can do about it. Mammy needs to let her daughter experience life and make her own life choices herself. And mammy should definitely not be checking her adult daughters text messages.

Ickle Magoo

King of Kings wrote: »

It'll only end in pain for the daughter (if something going on) and what parent wouldn't try and avoid that.

That may well be true, I think what we are disagreeing on is the method being employed to go about avoid any such situation. There's a world of difference between furtively spying on your adult child's life and deciding you don't like either the people or gifts being proffered by those people irrespective of how your child feels - and having a close enough relationship that you can discuss such things with your child and having fostered a relationship based on mutual respect, your child trusts you and will take your advice on board.

A parent treating an adult like a child, completely disregarding their right to privacy, assuming the role of lord protector in an adult child's life without being able to discuss openly and honestly what's going on in their life is going to lead to far more heartache than some creepy guy in her class that she probably has absolutely no interest in anyway.

gandalf

If you are checking your daughters phone behind her back you don't trust her. If your daughter suspects this kind of behaviour then she is hardly going to be open with you. If she is in college then she technically is an adult and can make decisions for herself. By behaving the way you are you risk alienating your daughter and worst case scenario driving her closer to this man.

At the end of the day you should trust your daughter instincts after all you brought her up. If she does make a mistake she will learn from it, it is part of growing up. I don't know about any one else but I made loads of mistakes in college and in my early working life and they have stood me well in my life now (although I still make mistakes, but hey we are all continually learning).

Personally I do not think it is appropriate for a man who is old enough to be her father to be showing an interest in her but it also is not illegal and there is no ideal template to a successful relationship. If you strike a defensive posture you will probably only serve to make this relationship more attractive to her. Best advice is try and have a quiet not confrontational conversation with her about college in general and see if she volunteers information and please stop checking her phone and respect your daughters privacy.

Moomoo1

amdublin wrote: »

Who said he is married???

Why will this relationship/friendship end in pain???

Even IF it does, that is life, nothing mammy can do about it. Mammy needs to let her daughter experience life and make her own life choices herself. And mammy should definitely not be checking her adult daughters text messages.

'has a family' generally implies 'married'. So let's assume he is married.

and an adulterous relationship always ends in pain for someone. In this situation I'd it's likely to be the young girl. On these forums you constantly see posts from women who were 'bits on the side' for married men bemoaning their 'wasted years'.

as for your last statement, supposing he wasn't pushing her to commit adultery, supposing he was pushing her to take drugs or steal things... would you still say 'mammy needs to let her daughter experience like and make her own life choice herself'?

Moomoo1

pollyrose wrote: »

Going unreg for this.

I don't know how to start this but I am concerned about some things that have been taking place.
My daughter is in college. She seems to have the attention of an older male classmate who has his own family including a son who is 18 years old and who also attends the same college. This older classmate has been buying her chocolates nearly everyday and up to recently I have not minded it as much, a couple of days ago he gave her a present of a glitter notebook she can use for college, that was fine with me, but then he bought her a jacket!! I started to a bit concerned at this attention. I secretly checked my daughters text messages and he has called her 'my queen' and has even sent her night texts. He is old enough to be her dad. He may be just be friendly but how much is too much? I do trust my daughter but how can I trust him?

I just worry

a phonecall to his wife is always something to use as a last resort.

as an initial measure, tell your daughter that you are concerned that a married man is showing signs of attention to her. Don't mention the texts though, but maybe explain exactly why an adulterous relationship is so destructive to everyone concerned.

amdublin

Moomoo1 wrote: »

a phonecall to his wife is always something to use as a last resort.

as an initial measure, tell your daughter that you are concerned that a married man is showing signs of attention to her. Don't mention the texts though, but maybe explain exactly why an adulterous relationship is so destructive to everyone concerned.

Omg!!! The poor man befriends someone in his class and suddenly he is married, having an affair and needing a phone call to his supposed wife!!!

He could be unmarried! Family does not indicate wife so let's not assume eh?
He could be divorced.
He could be separated.
He could be widowed.

They could be just friends!
You're my queen could be the equivalent of "you're a star, thanks". It could be an in joke about something that happened in class. It could be just an innocent comment between friends. Who knows?!!!

Lady von Purple

I don't think 'she's 18, she can do what she wants' is enough of an argument to let her start seeing a man old enough to be her father. The op said he called her his queen in more than one text, so the daughter presumably isn't telling him to back off here. I started college at 17, and I made some bad decisions regarding my love life. I would've appreciated being given some advice or having someone to look out for me and say 'you're in college, doesn't mean you're a grown-up yet.' because I honestly wasn't. Lay off the OP a little, her daughter may thank her for looking out for her, down the road. Also, if he's buying her presents frequently, that's not just friendship. He bought her a jacket for no reason? People don't often do that with no ulterior motives! And OP, do try talking to her about how college is going, any nice guys she's interested in. You know what he wants from reading his texts, try finding out what she wants by talking to her. Best of luck.

amdublin

Jebus guys you're making him out to be some kind of predator.

Maybe he loves her. Is that such a crime??

Maybe he's a nice guy!!

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I am writing to you as a 23 year old girl and I am still in college. My mam was very inquisitive of my love life, but made such inquisitions in a light hearted way such as "I see your hair is done lovely, have you a fancy man to run away to? When can we meet him?!" , those types of jokes were funny but they got me talking if I Was going on a date of whatever... It's just a suggestion but it might work.

Another thing is, you could take her shopping and then after a couple of hours she might let slip something about her friend here or there. One thing i will say though, is , do not be forceful with asking her to be more forthcoming as you might push her away. My sister was in a similar situation as your daughter and she and my mother didn't talk for a year after my mother demanded she give her all the information about the guy she was seeing, but it ended up all for the good because that guy was not a good person at all.

To advise and be objective is the best here, we always say we're not listening but later when we're on our own we think about things our mammys say to us as absurd, but soon enough it makes perfect sense.

Hope it all works out.

LegacyUser

Yes, I think you have a right to be concerned.
Im a third year student and when I read your post, it just didn't sit right with me.
Maybe it is all innocent, but it sounds like they have some kind of a relationship, innocent or otherwise.
Maybe she doesn't know how to refuse his behaviour. Often you spend a lot of time with a small group of people in your course in college. I doubt he's buying jackets for everyone. . .
Definately ask her how college is going, etc. But if he is buying her gifts like a jacket I would be suspicious.

Distorted

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Secondly I think what the OP means about trusting her daughter is that she wouldnt intentionally do anything, but its easy for a young woman to be manipulated by an older man, and I think its highly dodgy and weird for a married man to be buying her things to be honest and sending her messages of that nature, its bizarre and creepy

My thoughts exactly. Being friendly doesn't usually involve buying stuff so regularly. It already sounds manipulative. tbh I would have phoned him up on the number from my own phone and quizzed him regarding his motivies and intentions.

So what we do know is that the older man is at college with a bunch of people half his age. Possibly he feels lonely, hence the attempt to buy friendship, possibly he is over-excited at the number of young, single women around him. From the fact that he is texting her and calling her things like "My Queen", you could take from it that he is trying to flatter her. Why is he trying to flatter her and buy her so much stuff? Does make you suspicious that his motives extend beyond mere platonic friendship.

FWIW, which may not be very much, I had some dodgy guy on FB contact me who was into domination and stuff, and he kept referring to me as "My Queen" in (unsolicited) message. Until I blocked him.

Whispered

Lady von Purple wrote: »

I don't think 'she's 18, she can do what she wants' is enough of an argument to let her start seeing a man old enough to be her father.

But where does the "letting her" stop? The op can only suggest and advise, not allow or disallow.

My own mother and I have a very open relationship, and have done from the time I was young. We would discuss things (love life and otherwise), she would approve or not approve. I'd take her advice, or I'd choose to ignore it. One thing for definate, any news, problems or worries I'd have would always be discussed. She would always be honest, and treat me with a bit of respect. Because of that, even now, I'll spill my heart out to my mother as quick as I would to my best friend. If she ever invaded my privacy as the OP did, I know that our relationship would be totally different.

IMO the op should treat her daughter with a bit of respect, stop invading her privacy and sit down like an adult and discuss her fears. She will of course achieve more with that than with secretly checking texts and worrying herself sick.

Firetrap

I'm not entirely sure what the OP can do really but one thing that should never come out is that she's looked at her daughter's text messages. People have differing opinions on whether she should've looked at them but she has and is now armed with information which is confirming her suspicions.

Her daughter is at an age where she's not going to want to hear anyone, least of all a parent, giving unsolicited advice about who she can or cannot see. I'm assuming that her daughter has been reasonably open about things so far in that the OP knows about the things he has bought for her and knows a bit about his background. All she can do I think is continue to chat to her daughter and play it by ear. Perhaps an opportune moment might come in a conversation where she can gently bring up her concerns. Other than that, I'm not sure what she can do. She's on shaky ground and her daughter could clam up and tell her even less if she's not careful.

IrishEyes19

amdublin wrote: »

Omg!!! The poor man befriends someone in his class and suddenly he is married, having an affair and needing a phone call to his supposed wife!!!

He could be unmarried! Family does not indicate wife so let's not assume eh?
He could be divorced.
He could be separated.
He could be widowed.

They could be just friends!
You're my queen could be the equivalent of "you're a star, thanks". It could be an in joke about something that happened in class. It could be just an innocent comment between friends. Who knows?!!!

I have many friends in college, men and women, but I wouldnt expect texts from them calling me a queen or buying me jackets. Its weird.

amdublin

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I have many friends in college, men and women, but I wouldnt expect texts from them calling me a queen or buying me jackets. Its weird.

Okay so let's say they are in a relationship, he calls her a queen and bought her a jacket.

I am failing to see any issue here.

Moomoo1

I agree: IF he is single, then I don't see a problem.

thefeatheredcat

pollyrose wrote: »

Going unreg for this.

I don't know how to start this but I am concerned about some things that have been taking place.
My daughter is in college. She seems to have the attention of an older male classmate who has his own family including a son who is 18 years old and who also attends the same college. This older classmate has been buying her chocolates nearly everyday and up to recently I have not minded it as much, a couple of days ago he gave her a present of a glitter notebook she can use for college, that was fine with me, but then he bought her a jacket!! I started to a bit concerned at this attention. I secretly checked my daughters text messages and he has called her 'my queen' and has even sent her night texts. He is old enough to be her dad. He may be just be friendly but how much is too much? I do trust my daughter but how can I trust him?

I just worry

Op you are right to be worried. I've been in your daughter's situation before with similar circumstances of having a worried mother invading my privacy behind my back. In the end, she was right to as I headed for trouble with a much older guy although I would, at the time, seen myself old enough and capable to make my own decisions and mistakes. And I certainly did, but I was glad that my family kept tabs on me even though it did anger me to have my privacy invaded, they were only trying to protect me and imo years down the line, they did the right thing.

Talk to your daughter about things, but not in a confrontational way, about college in general and make sure she knows that you are there for her if she needs anything. The worst thing is to drive her away or let her feel that she cannot go to you for advice on this older guy, especially if the situation gets out of hand. Reassure her that you care and love her regardless of this guy and that you're there for her.

This guy could be good or bad, but from my own experience with older men and I'll admit that I've been acquainted with older men that did have a child the same age as me at the time (18) - be wary. Your daughter may think she is capable and able to look after herself and may have to learn a few lessons, but watch her back for her.

As long as there's always an open channel of communication between your daughter and yourself and that she can come to you with any situation (which in my case was the opposite at the time) she probably will talk about the situation with you and may come to you for advice and guidance, even in general, but especially if things get out of hand or turn sour.

R.D. aka MR.D

Lady von Purple wrote: »

I don't think 'she's 18, she can do what she wants' is enough of an argument to let her start seeing a man old enough to be her father. The op said he called her his queen in more than one text, so the daughter presumably isn't telling him to back off here. I started college at 17, and I made some bad decisions regarding my love life. I would've appreciated being given some advice or having someone to look out for me and say 'you're in college, doesn't mean you're a grown-up yet.' because I honestly wasn't. Lay off the OP a little, her daughter may thank her for looking out for her, down the road. Also, if he's buying her presents frequently, that's not just friendship. He bought her a jacket for no reason? People don't often do that with no ulterior motives! And OP, do try talking to her about how college is going, any nice guys she's interested in. You know what he wants from reading his texts, try finding out what she wants by talking to her. Best of luck.

I also went to college at 17 and I made some terrible mistakes. But making those mistakes made me a strong independent woman. I also appreciate that my parents never involved themselves and never said I told you so.

Please op for the sake of your daughter let her grow up and lead her own life.

Advise her if you like but realise that if she decides a path that she doesn't suit you then if things do go wrong she might not feel that she can turn to you and stay in a bad situation or get into a worse situation.

amdublin

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I also went to college at 17 and I made some terrible mistakes. But making those mistakes made me a strong independent woman. I also appreciate that my parents never involved themselves and never said I told you so.

Please op for the sake of your daughter let her grow up and lead her own life.

Advise her if you like but realise that if she decides a path that she doesn't suit you then if things do go wrong she might not feel that she can turn to you and stay in a bad situation or get into a worse situation.

Some very sage advice here...

whatsamsn

Op,
this bloke is looking to use her for sex. lets all be honest. he is older, has a son around the same age. Even a blind person could see this one.

As a parent and knowing her age, you can only advise her in this situation. If you do anything more she might just go off and do something with him because you came down on her.

So let her know what he is after etc, put her wide. But you know yourself... being the age she is, phrase it right way. Then the rest is up to her because she is entering her adulthood.

amdublin

whatsamsn wrote: »

Op,
this bloke is looking to use her for sex. lets all be honest. he is older, has a son around the same age. Even a blind person could see this one.

Omg!!!

Maybe he likes her.
Maybe he fancies her.
Maybe she likes him.
Maybe she fancies him.
Maybe they are sleeping together. Consentually.

Again: you are making him out to be some kind of predator.
And you are making her out to be some kind of innocent child.
Hey maybe she persued him. That ever enter your consciousness?
We are talking about two adults here.

LegacyUser

OP, I get where you are coming from on a certain level. You are her mother and that's what mothers do and I you are really concerned sit down and have a chat with her...or if you're really that worried try and contact the guy and have a chat with him about it.

But you can not make him or your daughter stop what they are doing and for all you know (yes, there is a hell of a lot parents don't know about their kids) it's her that's manipulateing him into buying her these things. I'm 20, still in college, and I have been in both of these situations. One where I was coerced into a realationship with a MUCH older man at 19..although he never bought me stuff, just made me feel guilty for not sleeping with him. The other time was only a few months ago where I had a "sugar daddy" 14 years older than me who would buy me things whenever I wanted and never forced me to do anything.

Basically what I'm saying is kids grow up and have their own lives and a portion of that is stuff they really don't want to tell their mammies. Obviously talk to your daughter, make sure everything is all right but don't attempt forbid her from stuff and don't go assuming that she's still "your sweet little girl"...most young women aren't.

LegacyUser

Ha, if the ARE going out, just wait until she comes home heartbroken after the breakup, or pregnant. Then guess who'll have to pick up the pieces? Mammy of course.
So I think her worries are justified, because even though her daughter and this older guy may be "consenting adults", it's going to be the OP who'll have to deal with the fall out, if or when there is one.

whatsamsn

Please dont give all the "P.C." answers.

And how is realising ones intentions make him a predator? .. you are the one saying words such as "predator" and "consentual sex" ... I only state what he is after in my opinion.

If im in my late 30s or more (he is roughly around that age as the op suggests) and I am coming onto a girl the same age as my son... do you really think I am looking for a relationship? I'd be cautious of her age to get involved. Lets be honest I would be looking to get with a younger girl. Which I can tell you as a man gets older is like the holy grail.

If you re-read my post I say that as a parent (and knowing what he is after) there is nothing wrong with the op putting his daughter wide to what he wants. then its up to her. her life.

amdublin

whatsamsn wrote: »

Please dont give all the "P.C." answers.

And how is realising ones intentions make him a predator? .. you are the one saying words such as "predator" and "consentual sex" ... I only state what he is after in my opinion.

If im in my late 30s or more (he is roughly around that age as the op suggests) and I am coming onto a girl the same age as my son... do you really think I am looking for a relationship? I'd be cautious of her age to get involved. Lets be honest I would be looking to get with a younger girl. Which I can tell you as a man gets older is like the holy grail.

If you re-read my post I say that as a parent (and knowing what he is after) there is nothing wrong with the op putting his daughter wide to what he wants. then its up to her. her life.

Are you a mind reader?

Can you read this mans mind??

How in gods name do you KNOW why this man is contacting another adult on his college course?

Ps. Can you tell me next weeks lotto numbers please thanks.

Zaph

amdublin, please stay on-topic and respond to the OP, not other posters.

whatsamsn

With all due respect to your warning Zaph.

Amdublin, we just have a difference of opinion. No one can say my opinion is right or wrong and vice versa.

In reference to me being able to read the future?
I am not pig-headed with my opinion. Please dont think I am. In my 25 years on this planet I have found that common sense will always pervail over giving benefit of the doubt. But again thats my opinion.

Crea

If this guy is buying your daughter presents then he's interested in her in a romantic/sexual way (especially presents that cost hundreds of euro).
The question is how does your daughter feel about him?
If she isn't interested in him then she is wrong to accept the gifts and should return them. By accepting the gifts and giving him her numbershe is giving him the signal that she is interested in some sort relationship with him. If she isn't interested and keeps taking the gifts then she is just using him and making a fool of him which could result in some sort of arguement with him.

OP - the best thing you can do is ask your daughter how she feels about him. If she's interested in a relationship then you can do your best to advise her and if she isn't she needs to return the stuff and be straight with him.

IrishEyes19

Lady von Purple wrote: »

I don't think 'she's 18, she can do what she wants' is enough of an argument to let her start seeing a man old enough to be her father. The op said he called her his queen in more than one text, so the daughter presumably isn't telling him to back off here. I started college at 17, and I made some bad decisions regarding my love life. I would've appreciated being given some advice or having someone to look out for me and say 'you're in college, doesn't mean you're a grown-up yet.' because I honestly wasn't. Lay off the OP a little, her daughter may thank her for looking out for her, down the road. Also, if he's buying her presents frequently, that's not just friendship. He bought her a jacket for no reason? People don't often do that with no ulterior motives! And OP, do try talking to her about how college is going, any nice guys she's interested in. You know what he wants from reading his texts, try finding out what she wants by talking to her. Best of luck.

I was just gone seventeen when I started college as well, I dont condone checking phones, OP, as for your sake, it could turn your daughter against you, but certainly I think its rightly odd that this older married man with a family is giving her gifts and texting her, I find it very odd.

Moomoo1

whatsamsn wrote: »

If im in my late 30s or more (he is roughly around that age as the op suggests) and I am coming onto a girl the same age as my son... do you really think I am looking for a relationship? I'd be cautious of her age to get involved. Lets be honest I would be looking to get with a younger girl. Which I can tell you as a man gets older is like the holy grail.

and of course, young men always look for a committed relationship and never just sex, right?

every person should be taken on his own merits

Distorted

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I have many friends in college, men and women, but I wouldnt expect texts from them calling me a queen or buying me jackets. Its weird.

Thats because men the same age as the OP's daughter don't generally do that sort of stuff. Well, they might do, once they are in a stable actual relationship with a girl, but not before then. He is using his age, skills and experience to manipulate the OP's daughter for his own motives. We don't know what those motives are. Hmmn, I wonder what they could be. Older man, much younger girl of only 18...

tbh it sounds as though he is grooming her. I know the phrase is usually used for underage girls, but the process is the same.

The OP is right to be concerned - this is exactly the sort of situation a parent should step in to warn the daughter about this sort of man. True, she should step carefully - maybe say that she has heard about what this man has been buying her through the grapevine. It may be that the OP's daughter is simply too young and inexperienced to see through his motives and needs it pointed out to her.

Partizan

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I was just gone seventeen when I started college as well, I dont condone checking phones, OP, as for your sake, it could turn your daughter against you, but certainly I think its rightly odd that this older married man with a family is giving her gifts and texting her, I find it very odd.

Agree 100% with this. Not only is it very odd but it's downright creepy. This older more experienced man is taking advantage of the 18 year old woman. Yes she is now an adult but the OP has right to be concerned for the welfare of her daughter. My advice to the OP is to sit down with her daughter and have a chat but dont mention looking at the text messages just get the conversation going by innocently asking her if she has any guys and take it from there. If your daughter takes your advice OP, fine but after that there is not much you can do. She is an adult now and pushing it would drive her away from you. You need to strike a medium.

LegacyUser

ok, the people who are telling the OP to back off and mind her own business obviously don't have any teenage kids and can't put themselves in her shoes...
something similar happened to me when i was around 17 (i'm 30 now) and i didn't know how to get rid of his unwanted attention without insulting him... it also scared me and took me a long time to get rid of him.
There are so many weirdos around these days, how do you think the OP would feel if she just ignored all this and then something were to happen her daughter??? as someone else said, just because she's old enough to vote & drink etc. it doesn't automatically make her a mature adult.
There are all sorts of creeps around who would only love some arm candy to try and relive their youth, in my opinion the OP had every right to check her daughters phone.
OP, she obviously talks to you as she told you about him buying her the jacket etc... in what way did she say it?? as in girl with a crush, or did she think it was strange??
definately try and talk to her.... this story does not sound right.

Beruthiel

pollyrose wrote: »

My daughter is in college. She seems to have the attention of an older male classmate who has his own family including a son who is 18 years old and who also attends the same college. This older classmate has been buying her chocolates nearly everyday and up to recently I have not minded it as much, a couple of days ago he gave her a present of a glitter notebook she can use for college, that was fine with me, but then he bought her a jacket!!

OP,
My daughter is a tad older than yours. I've never checked her phone. You cannot do that sort of thing to someone of her age. It's unacceptable.

I understand that to you, she's still a child, but try and remember back to when you were her age.
She's a woman now. She will make mistakes. You made mistakes, it's what helps shape the person you are today. She needs to do the same.

Your job is to guide her.
Teach her respect for herself.
Guide her in wisdom.
Ask her why she thinks he has turned his attention on her. Allow her to think it threw herself. Ask her if she's comfortable with his attention.

I've always told my daughter not to accept freebies from others. Nothing comes for free and before she accepts anything, she should first see what string is attached to it before going any further.

If you have brought your daughter up right, with self respect and a modicum of cop on, then at this stage, you must just sit back and allow her to find her way.
You cannot shield her from pain for the rest of her life. She will learn from it like the rest of us.

There is no harm reminding her that she should practice safe sex at ALL times.

Big Bag of Chips

Lady von Purple wrote: »

I started college at 17, and I made some bad decisions regarding my love life. I would've appreciated being given some advice or having someone to look out for me and say 'you're in college, doesn't mean you're a grown-up yet.'

Honestly.. if your mother had said that to you, would you have listened?! Or would you have thought.. "interfering aul wan doesn't know what she's talking about, because I know it all".

That's what most 17/18/19..22/23 etc year olds think!!

OP.. dos and don'ts..

DO talk to her
DO listen to her
DO advise
DO step back

DON'T check her texts
DON'T tell her what she can or can't do
DON'T push your opinion on her as fact
DON'T make her feel bad about her choices
DON'T make her feel like she can't come to you if she's in trouble

If you continue to be her "mammy" - she will continue to be your "child". And will hide things from you, and think she can't talk to you, because you'll only lecture her or give her a hard time.

You have to accept you are moving into a new phase of your child's life now..where she is becoming an adult. And she has to make her own decisions, and mistakes. (It's the only way she'll learn)

You never stop being a "mammy"... but our children do stop being "children". It's up to YOU to handle that transition properly.

curlzy

I think the OP is right to be concerned. It's very very easy for a guy that age to bamboozle a girl that age, believe me I know how easily they are manipulated, speaking from personal experience/regret. OP, my advice is to make sure your daughter is protected contraceptive wise, depo or implanon is the best coz that way she doesn't have to remember to take anything. I know I'm jumping the gun but that to me is the most important thing, you don't want her getting trapped with that creepy b*stard for the rest of her life. Stop checking her texts, if she catches you she'll never tell you anything again. You need to keep the lines of comumication open so that if she's getting creeped out by this guy she can talk to you. You can also approach her and have a chat, don't start with "you don't know what you're getting into" that will just make her move more towards him, hard as it is try to view her and speak to her as an adult. Hopefully she'll realise how ****ing creepy/weird he is all by herself but you need to be there as backup. The only way she'll let you have her back is if you treat her with respect.

Distorted

WTF!!! wrote: »

ok, the people who are telling the OP to back off and mind her own business obviously don't have any teenage kids and can't put themselves in her shoes...
something similar happened to me when i was around 17 (i'm 30 now) and i didn't know how to get rid of his unwanted attention without insulting him... it also scared me and took me a long time to get rid of him.
There are so many weirdos around these days, how do you think the OP would feel if she just ignored all this and then something were to happen her daughter??? as someone else said, just because she's old enough to vote & drink etc. it doesn't automatically make her a mature adult.
There are all sorts of creeps around who would only love some arm candy to try and relive their youth, in my opinion the OP had every right to check her daughters phone.

Because some people would have you believe that a much older man with a family is in some kind of way desireable for a girl of this age to be involved in ... yeah right. What are parents for, if they don't get concerned in these situations? It is very hard for young girls to get rid of these creeps and see them for what they are, I remember at that age I was very polite and scared of offending anyone. Its the parents who are going to be left to deal with the fallout of a teenage pregnancy, failed college course and ruined life.

Simply the fact that the guy himself sees nothing wrong with buying countless presents for this girl and texting her late at night is enough to tell you that he is a creep.

seenitall

Distorted wrote: »

Because some people would have you believe that a much older man with a family is in some kind of way desireable for a girl of this age to be involved in ... yeah right. What are parents for, if they don't get concerned in these situations? It is very hard for young girls to get rid of these creeps and see them for what they are, I remember at that age I was very polite and scared of offending anyone. Its the parents who are going to be left to deal with the fallout of a teenage pregnancy, failed college course and ruined life.

Simply the fact that the guy himself sees nothing wrong with buying countless presents for this girl and texting her late at night is enough to tell you that he is a creep.

+ 1 on every word of that post (unfortunately).

prinz

Something definitely seems amiss IMO from the details in the OP.

OP: Don't check her phone anymore it will prove counter-productive if she becomes aware of that, discuss it with your daughter like an adult. Take her out for lunch/a coffee and just discuss the issue. Don't mention you read her texts but it seems like besides the texts you already knew some of what was going on between this man and her, so ask her in a level calm way... and keep asking. I know I'd be very concerned. You already know about the jacket outside of the texts it sounds like... tell her you thought about it and really think she should return it to him. See how she reacts.

She may well be mature enough for a relationship with an older man, how she answers/discusses it with you will be a big tell-tale sign and that will be her mistake to learn from. If she discusses it with you and wants something with this guy I am afraid there's not much you can do. If she throws a strop like a kid I'd be even more concerned for her welfare.

Moomoo1

Distorted wrote: »

Thats because men the same age as the OP's daughter don't generally do that sort of stuff. Well, they might do, once they are in a stable actual relationship with a girl, but not before then. He is using his age, skills and experience to manipulate the OP's daughter for his own motives. We don't know what those motives are. Hmmn, I wonder what they could be. Older man, much younger girl of only 18...

yeah, he wants to sleep with her. And clearly, the motives of a guy of her own age behaving this way would be entirely platonic... :rolleyes:

gossipgal08

OP you have every right to be concerned. Do you have a good/open relationship with her that you can talk to her with out telling her about reading her texts. You need to keep an eye on this. He might have the best intensions in the world but it is unlikely

Boskowski

What's the story here on this forum eh? How come every guy older than 35 is supposedly some creepy weird predatory sex monster?
Now while I couldn't see myself connecting emotionally or intellectually with a girl half my age I don't think I turned suddenly into a 'creepy bastard' when I turned 35. It really annoys me that it is being implied practically all the time that a guy older than 35 is incapable of having a genuine romantic crush with all the butterflies and the wishing for a first tender kiss and all that. Lot of bitterness here in some cases it seems.
You know people don't actually change that much when they grow up...

tenchi-fan

Boskowski wrote: »

What's the story here on this forum eh? How come every guy older than 35 is supposedly some creepy weird predatory sex monster?
Now while I couldn't see myself connecting emotionally or intellectually with a girl half my age I don't think I turned suddenly into a 'creepy bastard' when I turned 35. It really annoys me that it is being implied practically all the time that a guy older than 35 is incapable of having a genuine romantic crush with all the butterflies and the wishing for a first tender kiss and all that. Lot of bitterness here in some cases it seems.
You know people don't actually change that much when they grow up...

You have a point. On the other hand - ever hear of a mid-life crisis?

He's only 35, but his previous and I'm guessing LT relationship either broke down or is on the rocks... time for a change! He goes back to college, starts dressing young, dying his hair, really gets into modern music, drinking like he hasn't done since he was in his teens and yes - you guessed it - develops the confidence to ask out the cute girl in class there is no way he would have asked out when he was 20.

I don't think he's necessarily predatory and if he gets burned he's the one who'll look like a huge idiot. Just because he's older doesn't mean he has sense.

It's possible the op's daughter is exploiting this guys immaturity by leading him on and accepting gifts she would not be able to afford otherwise. That's why in my previous post I called him a sugar daddy. Their arrangement seems to work both ways.