"Adopt Me"

Novella

I was just watching a documentary on 4oD - "Adopt Me - I'm a Teenager" and I thought it was really interesting.

It was highlighting how difficult it is for teenagers and older children to be adopted and the lengths that are sometimes gone to in order to make these children more appealing to families. There were 'adoption parties' where children would go and couples etc., willing to adopt also attended to see if any of the kids caught their eye.

So, what are your views on adoption? Could you ever see yourself adopting, and if yes, would you want to adopt a baby/young child or would you consider adopting a 15/16 year old?

PrincessLola

Didn't know it was possible to adopt an older teenager

Out of interest, how old do you have to be to be allowed adopt?
Do they arrange it so the adoptive parents could feasably have given birth to the children themselves age wise (i.e I assume they wouldn't let a 26 year old adopt a 16 year old?)

Princess Peach

Right now in my life, I have this idea in my head that I'm definetly adopting a child because I have a fear of being pregnant and giving birth :pac: Can't say what will happen if the day comes I do decide I want a child!

But I genuinely could see myself adopting a child. I don't think I would love it any less just because it's not biologically mine. Never put any thought into adopting a teenager. I can see what the concern would be, it would be a lot harder to bond with a teenager and to form a parental kind of loving relationship, that you would get with a young child. And there's the thought that this child is already reared, and not in the way you would like to rear a child, if you get me. A parent wants to raise their child their way, and they won't have much impact on a teenager's personality or behavior.

So can't say for sure right now, bit too far in the future for that decision. But I probably would like to raise a child from a young age. I'm just not sure I could ever love a teenager as my own child.

Catari Jaguar

I want to be a foster parent someday so I would like to do this at some stage down the line. There are so many kids that never got a chance and could reach their potential with some structure, love and guidance.

Novella

PrincessLola wrote: »

Didn't know it was possible to adopt an older teenager

Out of interest, how old do you have to be to be allowed adopt?
Do they arrange it so the adoptive parents could feasably have given birth to the children themselves age wise (i.e I assume they wouldn't let a 26 year old adopt a 16 year old?)

I actually don't know how old you have to be, to be honest. I'll have a look into it! I'd imagine someone quite young wouldn't be the preferred choice to adopt a teenager though.

Truley

Novella wrote: »

There were 'adoption parties' where children would go and couples etc., willing to adopt also attended to see if any of the kids caught their eye.

Does anyone else think there's something a bit ... weird or creepy about that idea? Maybe it's just me but it sounds like a very unprofessional way of running an adoption process. Makes me think of speed dating or a swingers party or something, maybe I'm just being pessimistic.

Mollikins

cherub rock wrote: »

I want to be a foster parent someday so I would like to do this at some stage down the line. There are so many kids that never got a chance and could reach their potential with some structure, love and guidance.

+1 to this.

I could see myself adopting in the future especially if it transpired I could not conceive naturally but I think I would lean towards fostering kids rather than adopting them. I don’t know much about the adoption system but it seems no matter what country you adopt a child from the process takes years and entails filling out various forms whereas with fostering you can be involved with and help to improve a child’s life pretty much straight away.

Granted, with fostering the child is not yours and some kids are only in foster care for a short time because of circumstances in their families but some kids end up staying with their foster families for years. What difference does it make if they aren’t legally your child with your surname? What matters is your relationship and how you feel about one another. Yeah, sure the legal side of things does matter especially in terms of inheritances but it shouldn’t be regarded as the most important thing.

Personally, if I was to adopt I would prefer to adopt a baby or a young child simply because you could enjoy seeing them grow up from a very young age and it would make it easier for you to bond. The older the child, the more likely you are to encounter problems but I would hope it wouldn’t deter me from adopting a teenager. I feel really sorry for any older kid/teenager that is in care and seeking a family. All anyone wants as a teenager is to feel like you belong so it must be really difficult for them to cope and I imagine they feel no one wants them.

Anyway I’m getting a bit ahead of myself with all this adoption/fostering lark. I’m only 19 and have a good bit of growing up and experiencing life to do myself before I can consider bringing a child into my life.

Thanks for posting this topic Novella. I find it really interesting and I didn’t really know I felt this way about it all until I saw the thread and asked myself some questions. I’m gonna go find that documentary now!

Novella

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/adopt-me-im-a-teenager/4od#2917459 - there it is

I meant to stick a linky in my OP, but I forgot.

princess-lala

Wow never knew teenagers could be adopted! But thinking about it why not?

They deserve the same chance of happiness as babies, they deserve to have the same quality of life as babies.

Yes I do think if I was accepted to adopt/foster I would. I know its a long process to adopt cause I have a client who is 4 years into the process.

Another client of mine is a foster carer - she has two of her own kids 12 and 13 and they don't take kids of a similar age to their own but do have alot of kids in and out of their home. I admire her so much for what she does. All kids are treated as her own two are.

Ickle Magoo

Truley wrote: »

Does anyone else think there's something a bit ... weird or creepy about that idea? Maybe it's just me but it sounds like a very unprofessional way of running an adoption process. Makes me think of speed dating or a swingers party or something, maybe I'm just being pessimistic.

It's awful...it's that way for younger kids too - or at least it used to be. My sister and I were adopted at 3 & 4 and we were in a room filled with toys and other kids from the children's home and prospective parents would be paraded through and sit and chat to a few kids before "picking" the one they'd like to get to know better - my dad likened it to picking gerbils at the pet store.

Stheno

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

It's awful...it's that way for younger kids too - or at least it used to be. My sister and I were adopted at 3 & 4 and we were in a room filled with toys and other kids from the children's home and prospective parents would be paraded through and sit and chat to a few kids before "picking" the one they'd like to get to know better - my dad likened it to picking gerbils at the pet store.

That sounds dreadful for such young children

Ickle Magoo

It wasn't so bad for the really young kids like us, it was the 9, 10, 11 yr olds, some with physical or mental disabilities, that had been passed over for years and had to watch the younger cuter ones get chosen time and again that it was really crappy for.

Giselle

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

It wasn't so bad for the really young kids like us, it was the 9, 10, 11 yr olds, some with physical or mental disabilities, that had been passed over for years and had to watch the younger cuter ones get chosen time and again that it was really crappy for.

That sounds so damaging.

I can imagine it being a struggle not to feel unworthy or unloveable after such consistent rejection. It probably stays with you for life.

As if these kids didn't have it hard enough.:(

illiop

I think I would love to adopt some day and find the topic in general very interesting. I would definately prefer to adopt younger children. I mean, when you adopt you have to fall in love with the child which is bound to be much easier to do when you are there from the beginning.

I would like to think that I would foster older children though. Of course they deserve love and care just as much as the younger ones but I can't imagine that even if you really loved them it would ever be a real "parent/child" relationship. It would be more like living with you aunt and uncle. That's just my opinion though.

Dudess

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

It wasn't so bad for the really young kids like us, it was the 9, 10, 11 yr olds, some with physical or mental disabilities, that had been passed over for years and had to watch the younger cuter ones get chosen time and again that it was really crappy for.

That reminds me of The Simpsons when Homer gets involved with the Bigger Brother project (a charity that provides father figures for needy kids) - an hilarious episode, but one which makes some pretty serious points (as was always the case with The Simpsons during its hey day). Despite the good intentions of the charity, Homer gets to choose the child and rejects several kids purely on the basis of their photographs. Even when he finally spots the thin, saucer-eyed, sad-faced, sensitive (and therefore ticking all the "cute" boxes) little boy whom he most wants to help, he wipes a tear from his eye and sobs "I'll take him"... then the sobbing stops: "Do you have him in blonde?"

Not trying to make light at all, but I think that takes a good swipe at the phenomenon being looked at here.

doctor evil

Just watched the link, its so sad for Justine. I was surprised that they boxed her belongings after only two weeks! It said at the end of the program that at the time of completion she had been reported missing for threes months, this was in 2005. I really hope it worked out for her. I can understand her feeling like a spare part in her friends family, I think her friends parents couldn't accept that teenagers at some stage will act out.

It looked like it would work out for Lakeisha so at least it wasn't all bad!

I like to think that someday I would adopt but then I think would I ever be ready to give any child a home!

Asphyxia

I would love to foster kids from different countries. My boyfriend's aunt is involved in a programme for the last 6 years and what happens is they foster two kids for 1-2 weeks from places all over the world every year during the summer.

The last two kids she had fostered stayed with her for two weeks and they were from Russia one of them was 11 and had been in an military camp from the age of 6 after his parents were murdered, he was a really tough kid. I would love to do a programme like that it looks so rewarding

I would also love to have kids of mine own at some stage in the future when I am more settled.

CathyMoran

We looked into adoption but I was turned down on health grounds at the time. Would have no problem adopting an older child, even more so since I have become a parent as I was always afraid that I would not be a good enough parent. I love children and have found being a parent to be the most fulfilling role in life I could wish for.

Edit: I should also say that my husband was adopted at a young age, so he knows about it from the adopted child's point of view.

mariaalice

There was a really interesting documented on C4 about the UK care system it was on about a month ago did anyone see it..... the saddest bit was the middle aged couple who had two teenage daughters and then fostered a 3 year old boy it was suppose to be short term for them till the boy was adopted, but they had him over a year and their daughters wanted their parent to adopt him but they felt they were too old to bring up another child the whole situation was so sad.

Its interesting but we are going through a cultural shift in regards to fostering and adoption at the moment...from a strong belief that children are always better with their birth family and that care always damaged children TO a realization that no matter how much help some family's get they will never be able to parent properly and in those cases care is the better option for children.

The current head of Barnados in the UK was interviewed on a BBC program called the age of the do gooders and he was of the opinion that more not less children should be in care... he said he use to believe that care always damages children but he had now changed his mind.

G86

I'd definitely consider fostering at some stage when I'm older. I haven't a maternal bone in my body, but I think there are far too many kids in homes that aren't really 'home', and if I ever have that stability(both emotionally and financially) in my life I'd like to think I could share it with a child who didn't.

Michellenman

I would be in favour of adoption. I think I'd almost rather adopt than have my own biological children. However I don't know how well I would manage with a teenager. Teens who have been through a system like this are likely to have other issues going on. I don't mean to generalise but having read online, watched documentaries and seen my own aunts struggle with decisions regarding adoption that's the impression I've gotten. I don't feel like someone who has gone through the first 15 years of their life not knowing me could go from that to seeing me as a mother figure, and I think I would find that difficult.

While I'd love to foster, I don't know if I could do it long term. A friend of mine had a foster brother for 9 years, since he was 2, he saw his birthday mother once or twice a year, yet after 9 years she came back in to his life and now he lives with his birth mother about 2 hours drive away. I've seen the devastation that caused for her family and as selfish as it sounds I wouldn't be able to handle it.

SeekUp

I get the impression as well that systems aren't exactly supportive when foster families want to adopt older children and teenagers. Of course they want them adopted, but what I mean to say is that because these children may have more pronounced issues (on top of being teenagers - which, let's face it, ain't easy), there might not be enough support once they are adopted out into homes . . . whereas babies and toddlers are young enough to be a bit more adaptable. It's tough, because there aren't enough social workers to go around and there aren't enough therapists to help ease the transition either.

Re: the "adoption party" . . . hmmm, yeah. That's very meat-market-y. I wonder if it would work to have pre-adoption sessions, where a prospective child/family could meet and interact; the family could be put as ease a bit because they get to know the child and the child could be put at ease a bit by knowing that they can trust these people who keep coming back.

We haven't discussed adopting, although it's crossed my mind. I do think it's a bit riskier adopting an older child, although it might also be a bit more rewarding, to see them transform under your care.

cheesefiend

I think about adoption and fostering a lot and I have an intense desire to help children who don't get the love that they should. I'm actually terrified that when I'm older I'll lose my drive to do it and just say that I'm too busy, too old, too tired or whatever. I would definitely adopt an older child, although I imagine it would be a lot tougher. I would also consider adopting a child with a disability. The thought of any child not having someone who loves them absolutely destroys me.

Chuchoter

I would love to adopt when I'm older, but I'm not sure about fostering. My friend has a foster sister and she finds it really difficult because its like having this weird stranger in your house all the time and on top of that she's really mean and keeps causing on purpose huge fights between the parents. I just don't think family should be one of those things where people are constantly jumping in and out all the time, it would be so sad to have someone you loved just up and leave.