Short Story Competition 6 (The Box) - Vote Here!

Wantobe

VERSION 5

Oryx wrote: »

Can I just say thanks to Wantobe. Saved me from the disgrace of nul points. Mine was box number 4.

You are welcome Im surprised it didn't get more votes though. Thought it was really good.

Antilles

I didn't want to post this and reveal which one was my story before, so I'll do it now!

1. I felt the story's structure was unneccesarily confusing. What was the point in splitting it in that? What were you trying to say about the plot by creating two alternate timelines for the reader to follow? I know what Schroedinger's cat is, but when the end was revealed it felt like you were tying too hard to be clever and not concentrating on making the story itself work. I did a story for VOAT before which suffered from this (the airplane one).

2. I liked the setup; the idea of a fortune teller working in an office block is very "urban fantasy". It reminded me in tone of the Dresden books, at least initially. I found the main character interesting but the story flagged quite a lot at the end. I'd have rathered see the tale of an honest fortune teller gone bad than the other way around. It just felt difficult to believe, almost like the setup for a "sting in the tail" that never came.

4. I found this very difficult to read and the story just never drew me in I'm afraid. I found it a bit predictable too.

5. This one really seemed really intriguing, but the story totally flattened after the start. The concept was a bit obvious after only a few lines. A few superfluous lines here and there too, e.g. "I'm Charlie, by the way" is irrelevant as its never mentioned again. Also: where was the phone call?

6. A really interesting premise but this story needs a lot of tightening up. The end was a bit weak too.

7. Very vivid intro, nice dialogue. A bit understated when she smelled the box. I'd more than "grimace" if I found a box on my desk that smelled of vomit! The ending was a bit confusing, but still I liked it overall so this gets my vote.

--amadeus--

VERSION 4

Antilles wrote: »

1. I felt the story's structure was unneccesarily confusing. What was the point in splitting it in that? What were you trying to say about the plot by creating two alternate timelines for the reader to follow? I know what Schroedinger's cat is, but when the end was revealed it felt like you were tying too hard to be clever and not concentrating on making the story itself work. I did a story for VOAT before which suffered from this (the airplane one).

Well since they are direct questions I'll answer them...

The split was a fairly simple piece of non-linear narrative. I don't do creative writing other than for these competitions but all of the pieces I've put in for VOAT have had non traditional narratives; the post office one was told from multiple simultaneous viewpoints, the hostage one was just a letter rather than a "story" and even the simplest one (the aeroplane) jumped around in time a bit. In a short story (particularly of < 1500 words) I feel you don't really have time for much of a plot so IMO you have to hang your writing on either strong characters or a strong incident rather than on any kind of "development". My story was supposed to be centred around two people in a dysfunctional power relationship and how the choices you make or don't make affect you. The box & Schroedinger's cat were an analogy that appealed to me but you're right - like I said above I probably tried to be too clever and ignored the character development in favour of the plot device.

Incidentally it was only when reading the list of books in that Wiki article that I realised how many of my favourite books use a non traditional narrative, funny how you are influenced without even realising it.

Hrududu

VERSION 4

Congrats Antilles, well deserved win.

Mine was number 6 and I completely agree that the ending was weak. The best thing about these competitions for me is getting feedback and working on fixing my problems.

Looking forward to the next one.