Fear of Sex

LegacyUser

I'm a 24 year old male, I got out of a two year relationship back in summer 2008 and have not had another since. Most women I have met and ended up going home with, I haven't been able to get it up because I get such performance anxiety. It's definitely not a medical problem as I never have any trouble getting it up on my own. I just find it really hard to switch my brain from the part where I meet someone in a social situation and everythings normal to the sex part.

It's got so bad that now I keep my distance from women who come on to me or seem to like me, for worry that when they want to "get down to business" I wont be able to perform. It's so annoying because then when I am back in my confort zone I am kicking myself because sometimes I get really lonely sometimes.

Has anyone else been through something like this or can they offer any advice?

alex73

mostvisited wrote: »

I'm a 24 year old male, I got out of a two year relationship back in summer 2008 and have not had another since. Most women I have met and ended up going home with, I haven't been able to get it up because I get such performance anxiety. It's definitely not a medical problem as I never have any trouble getting it up on my own. I just find it really hard to switch my brain from the part where I meet someone in a social situation and everythings normal to the sex part.

It's got so bad that now I keep my distance from women who come on to me or seem to like me, for worry that when they want to "get down to business" I wont be able to perform. It's so annoying because then when I am back in my confort zone I am kicking myself because sometimes I get really lonely sometimes.

Has anyone else been through something like this or can they offer any advice?

Get to know the girl first, you don't need to sleep with them the 1st week. once you are in a stable relationship sex will come.

LegacyUser

Hi op, I cant help you at all tbh , the only reason im posting is to let you know im the exact same. Its quite depressing alright. Once or twice I let potential 'hook ups' fizzle out due to fear. Its completely ridiculous and irrational and I know that well, but it still doesnt stop the fear. Have you had any offputting experiences?

Personally I had a bad experience which might have contributed, in that one night I was chatting to this girl who I actually sort of knew beforehand through a good friend but not that well. She was pretty much giving me all the indications that she wanted to hook up. I was interested too so later we got back to the apartment and I couldn't get it up. All she wanted was a one night stand, she was clearly annoyed, while she didnt say it outright, she gave all the obvious hints. I suddenly went from cool and confident around to her to feeling absolutely horrible and probably coming across very very insecure etc.

Here's the worst part, she told my friend who then said nothing to me until weeks later, in the mean time he had made a joke or 2 about me being with her (which is grand in normal circumstances) yet he knew well what happened, so it was almost like he was testing me or something, I couldn't believe it.


Ive had a few different nights in bed with women where I was too happy to pleasure them but just didnt want to go 'all the way' in case I couldnt get it up. I wouldnt say that to them obviously so Id say one or two of them must have seemed confused at my selflessness lol.

Ive also let potential girlfriends fizzle out due to similar fears.
Its horrible and unfair on any girl as well because its only natural for people to think its something to do with them. And its because of that I find I cant really get with women.

Sorry for hijacking the thread.

LegacyUser

A lot of blokes has this happen to them at some stage. Remember that you are in control of your own body and should only have sex when you want to. Try not to think about it too much because thats what will make it worse, remember nothing physically wrong. next time, get to know the girl, get comfortable with her before you sleep with her.
Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi op here, thanks for responses.

Yea I have had off putting experiences a few times. the one that really gets me is when I met this really good looking girl who I thought was way out of my league who my friends were chatting up. I just took a back seat and let them at it, but then she started talking to me and made it clear she was interested in me and not my other friends. We all went back to her house after the night club and had a few drinks and listened to a bit of music, then me and her went up to my room and the rest you can probably guess. I just made an excuse that I had drank to much but that wasn't it. The thing is even after that she wanted to meet up with me again and seemes really keen, but I put her on the long finger because I knew it would eventually come to me dissapointing again.

Someone mentioned I should only have sex when I want to, but the thing is I really do want to. It's so frustrating to think about all the oppurtunities I've had that I have just avoided. I'm young and I'd like to have fun and meet women without the worry. A good way of describing it that it's a bit like when you just can't seem to take a piss at a urinal when there are other people standing around you. It's not that you don't want to go, it's like there's some switch in your brain that is stuck in the wrong position.

I know what ye'r saying about getting to know and be comfortable around a woman before I go so far with them but that's easier said than done. Women seem to be just as mad for sex as guys are in my experience. It would be quite embarrasing to try and explain whats wrong with me to a girl I have not known so long, plus it be very hard for them to understand and theyd most likely think that I just don't find them attractive.

um7y1h83ge06nx

I say go to a GP for tests to make sure there is no physical problems (diabetes, high blood pressure etc. can cause this).

Some GPs will prescribe drugs for physcological ED (Viagra, Cialis etc.).

The problem here sounds like you get so nervous your body goes into "fight or flight" mode. The body is expecting something bad and so diverts blood to vital organs in case of attack, injury etc. Unfortunately your penis isn't a vital organ so it becomes very difficult to achieve and maintain an erection.

GPs prescribe drugs to combat the "fight or flight" and help a guy regain confidence. Once the guy is back to his old self he can drop the drugs.

28064212

mostvisited wrote: »

I know what ye'r saying about getting to know and be comfortable around a woman before I go so far with them but that's easier said than done. Women seem to be just as mad for sex as guys are in my experience. It would be quite embarrasing to try and explain whats wrong with me to a girl I have not known so long, plus it be very hard for them to understand and theyd most likely think that I just don't find them attractive.

Why not just say that you have performance anxiety? Seriously, I don't understand why guys think it will be easier to get an erection if they hide the reasons for it. The only way to solve it (assuming it's not physical) is to be able to relax in her company. If you can't talk openly about it, you'll never be able to do it.

Don't make penetration the be-all and end-all of sex. Be clear that you have some performance anxiety and it's nothing to do with her. Use your hands and tongue instead.

curlzy

Ah that sucks, that must feel horrible, big hugs to you and the others with the same problem. I'd say maybe just decide to be celibate for a little while to take off the pressure and maybe visit a sexual counceller. It sounds like a catch 22, the more it happens the worse it'll get. Just so you know, it happens to EVERYONE at some point. I've only had 2 boyfriends but it's happened on occasion and my friends have confirmed that their bf have been in the same boat at times. I think people don't realise how much frame of mind matters when it comes to this. Best of luck OP, and remember this too shall pass. And with regards to your "friend" "testing you" screw him/her, that's no way to behave with your friends!!!