different cultures and love

paddy1909

what are the differences between an irish guy being in love and say an indian/african guy?

the reason i ask is because an indian/african guy who has had his eye on my gf for some time told her he loves her. now dont get me wrong, im sure the guy fancies her but it cant really be love can it?

majorly confused and worried here...

she tells me she is always friendly towards him but never went behind my back with him (he works in town with my gf- retail part time job)

if anybody has any insight, twud be good cheers

LegacyUser

There are no cultural differences in love, we are all the same, love is love, no matter what language/accent you speak or what colour your skin is. Seems to me he is only messing with your gf or doesnt really know what love really is. Either way I wouldnt worry too much, once he is harmless I would take that as a compliment

Maybe it is a language barrier thing. He knows what he wants to say to her but his ability to do it in English might be less due to it not being his mother tongue. He just reaches for the words he knows and “love” came out.

pollypocket10

paddy1909 wrote: »

what are the differences between an irish guy being in love and say an indian/african guy?

the reason i ask is because an indian/african guy who has had his eye on my gf for some time told her he loves her. now dont get me wrong, im sure the guy fancies her but it cant really be love can it?

majorly confused and worried here...

she tells me she is always friendly towards him but never went behind my back with him (he works in town with my gf- retail part time job)

if anybody has any insight, twud be good cheers

Why can't it be? Do you love her?

If they work together chances are he has gotten to know her so maybe he has fallen in love.

It is how your gf feels that should concern you.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Your GF's reaction would worry me tbh. Is she trying to make you jealous or something? If someone told me they loved me I would say "I have a boyfriend, please don't say that to me ever again, it's completely disrespectful to me and my boyfriend." I would tell my boyfriend what the other guy had said and what I said in response and assure him that I'd set the other guy straight. I really wouldn't want my bf worried every day when I went to work. Is your gf getting an ego boost outta this do you think, because if that's so it's not a very nice way for her to treat you, your piece of mind is much more important than her getting an ego boost. Maybe have a chat with her and ask her how she would feel if the situation was reversed.

paddy1909

thanks for your replies so far.
in response to the suggestion that he could very well be in love with her, that strikes me as very odd! how can you love someone you've never even kissed before? never seen outside of work even?
I just don't get the situation.
and to the girl who just replied now saying my gf could be looking for an ego boost, i've always known her to love attention from men but she never actualy told me much about this guy. she told me that he told her he fancied her but and that she told him she had a bf so i was a bit on edge after hearing that..
i read the "i love you" part in a text sent to her last night and didnt mention to her that i read it as im trying to understand it myself befor i jump the gun. the txt went something like this "i love u. ive been wanting to tell u but was never able. this can be the last u hear from me. thx for everything. c you"

dont know whether to get annoyed at her or if his meaning of love is just fancy...

pollypocket10

You fall in love with someone because of their personality, there doesn't have to be any physical contact for that to happen.

People spend a lot of time working and people meet & fall in love in the workplace all the time.

So yes it's very possible that this person is in love with your girlfriend.

I don't think you should be focusing too much on this guy though. Has your gf given you any reason to think she has led this guy on or might feel the same? Has she given you any reason not to trust her? Why were you reading her text messages?

AnonoBoy

Don't think the cultural thing has anything to do with it. Some guy is cracking on to your girlfriend. Persumably she's told him that she has a boyfriend and isn't interested.

Why are you worried about cultural differences? Surely that won't make a difference to how your girlfriend reacts.

Distorted

I wouldn't worry at all about your girlfriend's reaction - if some guy I only knew from work said that about me, that would be my exact same response. I'd be embarrassed and trying to pretend it wasn't happening.

Of course there are differences in cultures! Some people do say "love" when we would mean "like" or "fancy". I had a guy who served me in a newsagent each day declare that he was completely in love with me, and we hardly knew each other! And he was being serious! You could tell from the way he looked at me and his tone of voice and everything. He was not Irish. Another one contacted me on FB chat and asked me if he could come round to my house that night after I'd spoken to him briefly once at a party! Ugh! One Asian, one African, but me and all my friends have also known guys from our own culture behave the same, usually when they are very young though.

Maybe he is just looking for guidance from you and you should say that she is your girlfriend and he is being inappropriate. That would save your girlfriend having to say so, because theres nothing worse than someone pursuing you when you're not interested who assumes that persistence will win the day!

LegacyUser

I'm sorry, but I can tell you there are HUGE differences between cultures and how they see a relationship and how they approach women and the respect they show for them.

I come from a south-America country, and its quite common to see a guy approaching you at a pub or at work saying he is in love with you - it's smooth talk to get you to bed 90% of the time.

I had a major (positive) shock when I arrived to Ireland and realize men are generally much more respectful, shy and honest about things. I was also sad to see how men from my home country here would try to trick Irish girls, with this hateful smooth talk they use. I respect and I love Ireland for this respect for women, and it makes me very angry to hear stories such as this. Maybe I'm wrong, as I haven’t met the guy, but this is the first thing that comes to my mind.

I also travelled to other countries where despite my experience in South America, I still felt really harassed and uncomfortable with their approach and attitude and views on independent women.

From previous experiences (I have lived in a handful of countries in different continents, and therefore dated men from different cultures), Indian men tend to be terribly sexist and interpret friendliness from a woman as her being easy. They are not at all shy about approaching us with the worst kind of intentions, hidden behind a big smile and "you are beautiful, you are the love of my life, please marry me or I will die" kind of talk. I might be prejudiced here, but I do run away from Indian men (or any sexist one, for that matter). Of course there are lovely ones out there, I actually work with one who is a sweetheart, but I had more than 10 bad experiences with unwanted attention and totally rude approaches from them, so I'm not waiting to making sure whether I'm right or wrong with the next one.

There was one guy in particular in our office who admitted he found it really "strange" to see woman working, dating and having an independent life, and having sex and boyfriends without being married. He did all kind of improper comments and approaches until a female boss confronted him.

India is huge and beautiful country and his views on women and their independence and rights will majorly depend on the area he is from. But I would tell your gf to RUN and tell him very dryly what someone else suggested here already, that she has a bf (I would even say she should say u are about to marry, cos they don’t see bf/gf as a very respectful or serious thing) and that he is never to talk about these things to her again!

paddy1909

Someone--- wrote: »

Indian men tend to be terribly sexist and interpret friendliness from a woman as her being easy. They are not at all shy about approaching us with the worst kind of intentions, hidden behind a big smile and "you are beautiful, you are the love of my life, please marry me or I will die" kind of talk. I might be prejudiced here, but I do run away from Indian men (or any sexist one, for that matter).


Thank you for this great advice Someone. Sounds like you know a lot about Indian men etc. I'd like to ask you... Do you reckon Indian men are disrespectful towards women in general? Why is this? The way this guy talks to my girlfriend is like he's never spoken to a girl before.. (he's 27 yrs old!!!) do Indian men just not have relationships with women growing up or what? I'd love to understand it more. I highly doubt hes just trying to sleep with her because he seems to lack experience so it's obvious hes probably never had sex befor in his life.
Also in what way are they sexist? When you say they have the worst kind of intentions, what are these intentions and WHY WHY would he pursue my girl when he knows shes taken???

Moomoo1

Someone--- wrote: »

Indian men tend to be terribly sexist and interpret friendliness from a woman as her being easy. They are not at all shy about approaching us with the worst kind of intentions, hidden behind a big smile and "you are beautiful, you are the love of my life, please marry me or I will die" kind of talk. I might be prejudiced here, but I do run away from Indian men (or any sexist one, for that matter).

every nation has its 'language' of attracting the opposite sex. It's just that what women in A find attractive, women in B do not, because of different social stereotypes.

objectively speaking though, do you find 'fancy a sh*g' more appealing than "you are beautiful, you are the love of my life"?

curlzy

Moomoo1 wrote: »

objectively speaking though, do you find 'fancy a sh*g' more appealing than "you are beautiful, you are the love of my life"?

The second approach seems to imply the speaker considers the girl he's approaching to be somewhat retarded. To be honest I would rather the first approach at least it's honest and open. I would be WAY more likely to give the time of day to the first rather than the second.

28064212

twowords, wrote: »

There are no cultural differences in love, we are all the same, love is love

I would argue it's the complete opposite, except it's nothing/little to do with cultural differences, the definition of love varies massively from person to person.

If you ask fifty people for a definition of love, you'll get fifty different answers. It's a broad, all-encompassing term that means different things to different people. Many people equate love with infatuation, simple desire, a life-long commitment, a particular 'feeling'. All of them are "right" and none of them are "right".

For all the OP knows, the guy uses 'I love you' in the same way he uses "I love chocolate" or "I love the Simpsons". The phrase itself is meaningless, what matters are his GF's actions

Moomoo1

curlzy wrote: »

The second approach seems to imply the speaker considers the girl he's approaching to be somewhat retarded. To be honest I would rather the first approach at least it's honest and open. I would be WAY more likely to give the time of day to the first rather than the second.

but you have to agree that a large amount of people in this country (and I don't mean from different cultures) would find the first approach highly offensive and the second a little flattering?

iguana

Moomoo1 wrote: »

but you have to agree that a large amount of people in this country (and I don't mean from different cultures) would find the first approach highly offensive and the second a little flattering?

Not even slightly, sorry. I find declarations of love from someone who could not possibly know you enough to be in love utterly, utterly creepy. It makes me feel squeamish, scared or both. Either this guy really thinks he's in love with me, which is really scary and tends to lead to stalkerish behaviour. Or he thinks I'm a low self-esteemed moron who will fall into bed at some full on sweet talk. Either way I'd want none of it.

If I was single and someone I newly met but was attracted to and having a laugh with suggested a shag I might consider it, but if he broke into declarations of love I'd be off like a shot.

Moomoo1

iguana wrote: »

Not even slightly, sorry. I find declarations of love from someone who could not possibly know you enough to be in love utterly, utterly creepy. It makes me feel squeamish, scared or both. Either this guy really thinks he's in love with me, which is really scary and tends to lead to stalkerish behaviour. Or he thinks I'm a low self-esteemed moron who will fall into bed at some full on sweet talk. Either way I'd want none of it.

If I was single and someone I newly met but was attracted to and having a laugh with suggested a shag I might consider it, but if he broke into declarations of love I'd be off like a shot.

well, it's a sad sign of the modern times that obscenity and rudeness are now considered to be the new romance.

seenitall

Moomoo1 wrote: »

well, it's a sad sign of the modern times that obscenity and rudeness are now considered to be the new romance.

Who said anything about romance? This is about two different ways that guys try to get sex, isn't it?

Moomoo1

seenitall wrote: »

Who said anything about romance? This is about two different ways that guys try to get sex, isn't it?

yes, that was one of my points: the 'fancy a sh*g' way is equivalent to the 'I love you forever' way, it's just that different cultures try different things that they see as acceptable. With that in mind, the Indian who wants a ONS is not any more or less creepy than a local who does so, it's just their language is different. (Of course there are other issues of chauvinism and the like, but this is separate). But it's the society that forces one to see one as creepy and the other as 'bad in a sexy way', and that has to be kept in mind when judging such situations.

But also, it is symptomatic of where we are going values-wise that the first way is now seen as acceptable by (sober) women, and the second not.

seenitall

Yes, I agree that these two different ways of trying to get sex are down to cultural differences.

However, I completely disagree that a woman being more open to the straightforward approach, as opposed to the dissimulating, dishonest one is somehow an indictment of our values as a society. On the contrary, in fact.

I think that only cultures where women are segregated from men, sheltered from any intergender experience and treated as second-class citizens, if not worse, can come up with pick-up lines that treat women as naive nincompoops who will swallow something corny about "love" and fall into bed as the result of blatant dissemblance and lies.

The western cultures treat women with infinitely more respect and equality, and men have learned to state their goals straight, therefore giving women the opportunity to accept or turn down sex on the evidence of their true intentions.

Threads like these always make me think: thank **** I was born where I was, and am living where I am, especially as a woman.

iguana

Moomoo1 wrote: »

yes, that was one of my points: the 'fancy a sh*g' way is equivalent to the 'I love you forever' way, it's just that different cultures try different things that they see as acceptable. With that in mind, the Indian who wants a ONS is not any more or less creepy than a local who does so, it's just their language is different. (Of course there are other issues of chauvinism and the like, but this is separate). But it's the society that forces one to see one as creepy and the other as 'bad in a sexy way', and that has to be kept in mind when judging such situations.

But also, it is symptomatic of where we are going values-wise that the first way is now seen as acceptable by (sober) women, and the second not.

Well excuse me and the rest of modern society for respecting honesty more than deception and manipulation.

Wompa1

paddy1909 wrote: »

thanks for your replies so far.
in response to the suggestion that he could very well be in love with her, that strikes me as very odd! how can you love someone you've never even kissed before? never seen outside of work even?
I just don't get the situation.
and to the girl who just replied now saying my gf could be looking for an ego boost, i've always known her to love attention from men but she never actualy told me much about this guy. she told me that he told her he fancied her but and that she told him she had a bf so i was a bit on edge after hearing that..
i read the "i love you" part in a text sent to her last night and didnt mention to her that i read it as im trying to understand it myself befor i jump the gun. the txt went something like this "i love u. ive been wanting to tell u but was never able. this can be the last u hear from me. thx for everything. c you"

dont know whether to get annoyed at her or if his meaning of love is just fancy...

Well I suppose you can't get annoyed her because you looked in her phone. Why did you look at her phone? You must be suspicous as it is?...which can't be good...

If my girlfriend got that from a guy she worked with, no matter what nationality and she didn't tell me. I'd be very worried but I'm in a relationship where we would share if say an ex tried to contact one of us or something like that..

Major Lovechild

Moomoo1 wrote: »

but you have to agree that a large amount of people in this country (and I don't mean from different cultures) would find the first approach highly offensive and the second a little flattering?

I think the majority would laugh the first one off and the second one would be considered disturbing to say the least.

The first one is a direct honest question. The second one is a blatant lie. Are you happier with lies?

LegacyUser

Hi Paddy, sorry for taking a while to reply, glad I could help a bit.

Answering your questions, if this guy comes from a remote and conservative area of India, he probably never spoke so freely to a woman before, yes. As far as I know, in their culture, there's no such a thing as "dating"/gf/bf (again this may be different if you get someone from a big city, who had more exposure to Western culture, etc). So they see this kind of "commitment" as something wild, bizarre, difficult to understand. They are used to 2 types of women, the one their parents choose for them to marry, which they would never kiss or have sex with before wedding (I don't think they are allowed to even talk to her without a 3rd person in the room), and then, well, prostitutes. So it's really bewildering when they come here and see women working, having a bf, a sex life that is not dictated by her parents or husband, having their apartments and their own life. And they don't quite get it – "is she a hooker?" "are all western women that easy?"

He probably doesn’t understand that having a bf/gf can be just as serious and committed as being married. And he probably thinks in black & white when it comes to "easy women", them talking to men, etc. And he might genuinely admire your gf too, for her independence, beauty etc. Might be all the above.

Now, whatever perfect excuse they might have, I abhor the way they have treated me in the past, from hotel receptionists knocking on my room at midnight (single woman staying overnight by herself! oooh!) asking to come inside for a "drink", to petrol station workers with the most improper suggestions cos I bought a bottle of wine to drink with my dinner ("are you married? ohh, you drinking by yourself? etc"). I've seen indian men replying to our daft ads for sharing houses as "im a 22 virgin Indian guy wanna marry me". So I'd run away from them any day. Whatever his intentions are, I wouldn't wait to find out. I would kindly tell him [in your gfs place] that she is engaged to get married to you, that she finds this behaviour very offensive, and that if he wants her to still be his co-worker and treat him with respect, to never bring this kind of comments again in a conversation.

Best of luck!