Learn how to become Batman in 6 steps

allanb49 · 30-11-2010 5:32pm #1

You Could Become Batman, Says Scientist

Sure, Batman is cool and all, but he's a work of pure fiction, right? Well, a Canadian scientist and lifelong Batman aficionado has examined the Dark Knight's skills and figured out how regular people could transform themselves into real-life Batmen and Batwomen. There are only six not-so-easy steps to a Bat-enhanced you. Better start training now, because it's going to take about 20 years before you're ready to mete out justice on the mean streets of Gotham City... or Boise.

Professor E. Paul Zehr studies kinesiology and neuroscience at the University of Victoria in British Columbia, Canada. His credentials don't end there: he also practices martial arts and has been collecting Batman comics since he was a kid. He examined hundreds of issues of Batman comics, as well as the films, and worked out exactly what skills Batman has and what it would tale to acquire those skills in real life.

1). Train Your Brain - It takes a lot of natural mental acuity to become the World's Greatest Detective, but you can sharpen your thinking skills with practice (and maybe a steady diet of Murder, She Wrote episodes). But Batman's fighting skills rely on mental focus as much as physical ability. It would take years of dedicated combat and gymnastic training to develop the innate sense of body position and movement necessary.

2). Train Your Eyes - You'll need great eyesight to pick out details at a crime scene, and a wide field of vision to track multiple opponents in a fight. It's not like the Joker is only going to have a single henchmen. Dr. Zehr suggests working on exercises that can widen your field of peripheral vision and visual focus.

3). Eat Lots of Bread - Dr. Zehr considered Bruce Wayne's activity level and determined that he needs to eat about 4,000 calories per day, mostly carbs.

4). Practice a Lot - All the different situations Batman deals with require a combination of strength and agility that's almost impossible for a human to achieve. You can get one or the other, but gaining both will require a training regimen Dr. Zehr describes as, "even more varied than a decathlete's."

5). Buy Heavy Curtains - To fight crime all night, you'll need to sleep most of the day in a very dark room. Otherwise your body clock will by totally screwed up, like having jet lag 24/7.

6). Punch Wooden Posts - This martial arts technique is used to strengthen the bones that take the brunt of the force when delivering Bat-punches. Might want to throw in some heavy running and jump training, so your ankles don't snap when you drop off a three-story building.

All told, Dr. Zehr figures it would take about 20 years of training to accomplish all this (he also discusses some of the technoligical limitations we face in replicating Batman's gadgets), and it will work best if you start during childhood. So what are you waiting for? Image by: DC.

Zero to hero: Scientist could turn you into Batman. [The Independent]

http://io9.com/5035492/you-could-become-batman-says-scientist

It may take a few years, but those who aren't working can train and get the country in better shape for the future.

aidan_walsh · 30-11-2010 5:34pm

He clearly forgot the "dead parents" bit.

Mint Sauce · 30-11-2010 5:53pm

Or pick up a fancy dress costume from argos.

AnonoBoy · 30-11-2010 5:54pm

He also forgot one of the most important steps:

Talk like you've had a tracheotomy.

Ruu_Old · 30-11-2010 5:55pm

We have The Citizen, to hell with Batman! :cool:

Owen · 30-11-2010 5:57pm

And don't put nipples on the batsuit. I'm looking at you Clooney!

allanb49 · 30-11-2010 5:57pm

Ruu wrote: »

We have The Citizen, to hell with Batman! :cool:

But where is he in our hour of need.

Boardsies Citizen signal is needed!

Craebear · 30-11-2010 6:05pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzoGtvxwHsI

Saila · 30-11-2010 6:06pm

Batman's a detective

I thought he just kicked the shit out of scummers and lusted after women in kat suits

Professey Chin · 30-11-2010 7:23pm

PaintDoctor wrote: »

And don't put nipples on the batsuit. I'm looking at you Clooney!

Think Kilmer had them too

cypharius · 30-11-2010 7:30pm

Being the richest man in Gothom also helps.

Dancor · 30-11-2010 7:30pm

Saila wrote: »

Batman's a detective

Batman is a scientist.

FortuneChip · 30-11-2010 7:33pm

Dancor wrote: »

Batman is a scientologist.

Ah no, they didn't get another one did they?

deathrider · 30-11-2010 7:40pm

I defo reckon I could have step 5 nailed in no time.

bonerm · 30-11-2010 7:41pm

aidan_walsh wrote: »

He clearly forgot the "dead parents" bit.

Not to mention "have a pale young boy come to live with you in your isolated country mansion".

AnonoBoy · 30-11-2010 7:43pm

bonerm wrote: »

Not to mention "have a pale young boy come to live with you in your isolated country mansion".

That's how to become Michael Jackson you're thinking of.

Macauley Culkin was a pasty little fellah wasn't he?

bonerm · 30-11-2010 7:52pm

AnonoBoy wrote: »

That's how to become Michael Jackson you're thinking of.

Macauley Culkin was a pasty little fellah wasn't he?

Wait a minute! Batman? Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson? Batman? Ever seen both in the same place? Number of Batman movies since MJ death = .... ZERO!

It's all falling into place.

*cue crying game music*

Saila · 30-11-2010 8:32pm

Saila wrote: »

Batman's a detective I thought he just kicked the shit out of scummers and lusted after women in kat suits

Dancor wrote: »

Batman is a scientist.

1). Train Your Brain - It takes a lot of natural mental acuity to become the World's Greatest Detective, but you...

2). Train Your Eyes - You'll need great eyesight to pick out details at a crime scene, and a wide field of vision to track multiple opponents in a fight. It's not like the Joker is only going to have a single henchmen. Dr. Zehr suggests working on exercises that can widen your field of peripheral vision and visual focus.

I think that means you're out