Why are girls so mean?

Alanna!

Hi,
I was friends with a girl for a few years and then got dumped for no obvious reason. Towards "the end" I was the one who always arranged meetings and then after a few unanswered emails I just stopped bothering cos I knew she wasn’t interested anymore. A while ago I heard she had a kid and I sent her a congrats message on facebook and she requested me as a friend which I accepted but I never heard anything from her at all. Why do women act like that when men are so different? I’m regularly out with my boyfriend when he meets male acquaintances from years ago and they always stop and have a chat. Why do girls who were friends just ignore each other? If someone I hadn’t seen in years sent me a message on facebook I’d have the manners to ask them how they were/what they were up to. I had initially thought that a friend request rather than a reply was just her wanting to increase her number of friends but people told me that was a ridiculous thing to think. Now I'm thinking I was right.
I'd appreciate anyones comments

Wibbs

I dunno, some people are just knobs basically. No gender label required. Like you said you wouldnt do that and you're a woman. I know guys like that too. A guy I knew well and hung around with a fair bit, out of the blue decided to disappear off the face of the earth. No reason given. Found out after it was over something he thought I'd said through a third party. Now I didnt indeed I physically couldn't have said it, he accepted that yet still disappeared on a "point of principle". As I say, knob.

gill25

Yeah I agree with Wibbs, she mustn't be a nice person. I do think that women tend to hold grudges moreso than men and that men are more tolerant so they may have an argument with a friend but the issue seems to blow over quicker than with girls

coffee_cake

Alanna! wrote: »

Hi,
I was friends with a girl for a few years and then got dumped for no obvious reason. Towards "the end" I was the one who always arranged meetings and then after a few unanswered emails I just stopped bothering cos I knew she wasn’t interested anymore. A while ago I heard she had a kid and I sent her a congrats message on facebook and she requested me as a friend which I accepted but I never heard anything from her at all. Why do women act like that when men are so different? I’m regularly out with my boyfriend when he meets male acquaintances from years ago and they always stop and have a chat. Why do girls who were friends just ignore each other? If someone I hadn’t seen in years sent me a message on facebook I’d have the manners to ask them how they were/what they were up to. I had initially thought that a friend request rather than a reply was just her wanting to increase her number of friends but people told me that was a ridiculous thing to think. Now I'm thinking I was right.
I'd appreciate anyones comments

lol?
Both genders can be thick, I wouldnt say men are all that different as a hard and fast rule

LittleBook

Alanna! wrote: »

Why do women act like that when men are so different? I’m regularly out with my boyfriend when he meets male acquaintances from years ago and they always stop and have a chat. Why do girls who were friends just ignore each other?

You realise that those men you're praising, by your own admission, haven't seen each other for years. Do you honestly think your friend wouldn't stop and chat if you two met in the street?

As you get older you'll realise that constant contact and meetings are not the key to enduring friendships. If anything it's time apart that helps you realise which are your best friends.

Alanna! wrote: »

I was friends with a girl for a few years and then got dumped for no obvious reason. Towards "the end" I was the one who always arranged meetings and then after a few unanswered emails I just stopped bothering cos I knew she wasn’t interested anymore.

Things change, people change, hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate

The point is, your friend moved on, happens all the time ... to women and men.

Alanna! wrote: »

A while ago I heard she had a kid and I sent her a congrats message on facebook and she requested me as a friend which I accepted but I never heard anything from her at all ... If someone I hadn’t seen in years sent me a message on facebook I’d have the manners to ask them how they were/what they were up to. I had initially thought that a friend request rather than a reply was just her wanting to increase her number of friends but people told me that was a ridiculous thing to think. Now I'm thinking I was right.

Perhaps she had every intention of keeping in touch but the baby took over.

I just wish people would stop measuring the quality of their friendships by Facebook

barleybooley

I'd be in agreement with the OP, girls are b*tches. Like, lately I'm going through the horrors with my I suppose ex (it's supposed to be a break) but this girl keeps leaving really suggestive comments on his fb page. She told him she was mad about him and regularly made passes at him when we were together despite being fully sure he was in a relationship, it was completely bizarre, I would've thought most people would back off once they hear "serious girlfriend" but there you have it.

Also, one of my good friends can hold grudges against people for so long, like years, over nothing. It's pretty petty. Another one will deliberately stare people she doesn't like out of it, just to make them feel uncomfortable. Me, I throw wobblers and get really mean if pushed. One of friends recently broke up with his girlfriend and was having a heart to heart with me last night about all the mind games his ex is playing recently I don't know, I think it might be the lack of a y chromosome.

Alanna!

LittleBook wrote: »

You realise that those men you're praising, by your own admission, haven't seen each other for years. Do you honestly think your friend wouldn't stop and chat if you two met in the street?

As you get older you'll realise that constant contact and meetings are not the key to enduring friendships. If anything it's time apart that helps you realise which are your best friends.

I just wish people would stop measuring the quality of their friendships by Facebook

Well if she couldn't be bothered to reply to an email then I wouldn't be surprised if she walked past me.

I completely agree that you don't have to see people all the time to be friends. Thats the part that saddens me that even though we haven't seen each other in a while I thought our friendship meant something to us both and that she'd be at least civil to me.

I know facebook isn't an indication of friendship it was just the method I used to contact her.

I know maybe its a bit much to say men and women are completely different but its just based on talking to men and women I know about their experiences with friends. I don't hate anybody

Some women are bitches, some men are ****. Gender means nothing if people are inclined to being mean regardless. Adding someone on Facebook doesn't necessarily mean they have any inclination of remaining in contact. Some people seem to do it just to boost their number of friends. Do you know if there is anything going on in the background to make her not want to remain in contact with you? This could completely be wrong, so don't take my word as Bible, but is it possible that, if the breakup was a particularly messy one, you serve as a reminder of that?

LittleBook

Alanna! wrote: »

Well if she couldn't be bothered to reply to an email then I wouldn't be surprised if she walked past me.

Really? Truly?? You're not just a bit miffed that she didn't value your friendship as much as you did?

Alanna! wrote: »

I completely agree that you don't have to see people all the time to be friends. Thats the part that saddens me that even though we haven't seen each other in a while I thought our friendship meant something to us both and that she'd be at least civil to me.

I know facebook isn't an indication of friendship it was just the method I used to contact her.

That is a shame but, again, I wouldn't even measure civility based on Facebook contact. Whatever about her not making enough effort towards the end, once a baby comes along, with the best will in the world some people get left behind. And I'm guessing that towards "the end" there would have been a new relationship, pregnancy, a new home perhaps?

Alanna! wrote: »

I know maybe its a bit much to say men and women are completely different but its just based on talking to men and women I know about their experiences with friends.

As others have said, this is not a gender issue ... I guess women talk about stuff like this more easily ... and women are mostly friends with women ... so women get a bad rap in this respect.

These days I just tend to look at it as "assholes vs. the rest of the world" rather than "women vs. men".

Alanna! wrote: »

I don't hate anybody

I'm sure you don't, you're understandably hurt, you've made an effort, been let down and lost a friend. At the end of the day it's up to you to decide if she's worth making another effort or not. You were friends for years, there must have been a good reason for that.

But don't take it too personally if it's simply that her life has changed and she's drifted away.

Dudess

barleybooley wrote: »

girls are b*tches... I don't know, I think it might be the lack of a y chromosome.

Lol. Always ironic when a woman undermines women in order to point out how women undermine women...

Hang on... Maybe I'm missing something.

You were friends with her. You grew apart. You got a friend request from her. You accepted. She didn't initiate any sort of dialogue with you. You're offended?

She sent you a friend request. That's invitation enough for you to start a conversation with her if you want one. If you don't want to start one, why should she? She did technically make the first move by requesting you. If you're relationship with her is that important, just give her a message or comment or whatever.

You suggested it was because it seems like she's just trying to up her friend numbers. That could be true, and you'd know better than anyone here, since you know her personality. But if you're basing it just on the basis of her not getting in touch, it's not really that big an indicator. Desperately trying to up friend numbers like everyone's 12 and on bebo really gets to me, I hate it. I only ever add people I know and would actually want to be in touch with. However I don't think I've ever immediately followed up a friend acceptance or request with a big "hey! how are you lets have a conversation just for the sake of feeling like we've completely revived our relationship through a facebook encounter "

I really don't think you should let it get to you. Don't worry about it. If you don't think you can let it go, either get in touch with her or defriend her.

Amtmann

LittleBook wrote: »

As you get older you'll realise that constant contact and meetings are not the key to enduring friendships. If anything it's time apart that helps you realise which are your best friends.

That's the wisest and truest thing I've read in a long time.

Alanna!

true-or-false wrote: »

Hang on... Maybe I'm missing something.
You were friends with her. You grew apart. You got a friend request from her. You accepted. She didn't initiate any sort of dialogue with you. You're offended?
However I don't think I've ever immediately followed up a friend acceptance or request with a big "hey! how are you lets have a conversation just for the sake of feeling like we've completely revived our relationship through a facebook encounter "

Her friend request came after I sent her a facebook message so I initiated the contact and I thought that her friend request was a good sign considering the previous time I contacted her I was ignored.
I agree that it is silly to think that you could go from nothing to a friend request to being best friends in a matter of days and I definitely don't expect that. I sent the message a good few weeks ago.
I accept that people grow apart as their lives change so school friends go from seeing each oher every day to possibly every few weeks/months but to be completely ignored by someone who was your friend just hurts a little especially since there was no fight. I feel like I'm a teenager again overanalysing things trying to figure out if a boy likes me. I thought perhaps that as you get older maybe things would be simple but obviously not.:) I'll just have to accept that we're no longer friends and that I'll never know why.
Many thanks to everyone for their comments

Penny Lane

Alanna! wrote: »

I feel like I'm a teenager again overanalysing things trying to figure out if a boy likes me. I thought perhaps that as you get older maybe things would be simple but obviously not.:) I'll just have to accept that we're no longer friends and that I'll never know why.
Many thanks to everyone for their comments

Alanna I don't want to be mean but you sound like a teenager. Not everybody is on facebook on a daily basis, infact someone who's just had a baby probably sees facebook as an escape if/when she gets a minute. Forgetting to reply is not a slight or a PFO. Seriously, she didn't walk past you in the street, she didn't ignore a phone call, she simply didn't answer a facebook message. It really doesn't count as the death knell on your friendship. I'd urge you, if you really want to make an effort to restore your friendship, to pick up the phone and call her. Old school really is best with old friends.....

pikachucheeks

Sometimes friendships just don't last and as people have said, circumstances change. Some things come to a natural end.

I've always found it weird that when a relationship ends, usually, your friends are there to console you, tell you X, Y, Z wasn't right for you and for the most part, they talk about what an idiot that person was etc.
Yet, when a friendship ends, people try and push you back together, try to make you "make up". The same rules don't apply, for some reason!

Some people are just mean or don't value certain friendships they have. It's their own loss, surely? Once you know they're an eejit, you can move on and find better, more sustaining relationships with people who actually care and are bothered.

Sure, it's hard trying to get over not being close to certain people anymore, but if it was between that or still being "friends" with them, I'd take the first option. You feel sad for a while, but then you move on, whereas continuing to try and make the effort to be mates when they don't reciprocate makes you feel constantly down.

LittleBook wrote: »

As you get older you'll realise that constant contact and meetings are not the key to enduring friendships. If anything it's time apart that helps you realise which are your best friends.

Totally agree with this. If a friendship can sustain time apart, long distances, lack of contact, surviving through thick and thin, you know it's a keeper.

Some people will always be there for you, regardless of distance, regardless of circumstances - other people won't be. That's the nature of people and of life.

BCC4LYFE

girls from like 11-15 are at their worst imo, but you can still find loads of weird behaviour from girls well into their 20's.

IrishEyes19

Penny Lane wrote: »

Alanna I don't want to be mean but you sound like a teenager. Not everybody is on facebook on a daily basis, infact someone who's just had a baby probably sees facebook as an escape if/when she gets a minute. Forgetting to reply is not a slight or a PFO. Seriously, she didn't walk past you in the street, she didn't ignore a phone call, she simply didn't answer a facebook message. It really doesn't count as the death knell on your friendship. I'd urge you, if you really want to make an effort to restore your friendship, to pick up the phone and call her. Old school really is best with old friends.....

I think the OP is coming across here wrong, I agree with what she is saying, I dont know the circumstances of her individual story enough to post comment on it, but I reccomend let the girl, go, OP, if she doesnt want to be friends, its her loss, but us girls in general can be very cruel to each other a lot more than guys, quite possibly its because our tendency to be more emotional and gossipy about things to each other means we come across worse since we are effectivly dissing and talking about someone else to others, guys I guess keep a lot of emotion to themselves for the most part.

And Ive seen it, I dont think its a teenage thing at all, where girls dismiss each other when they see each other, Ive seen it at all ages from all women, women who fall out as friends would pass each other in the street and not glance up, men Ive noticed are better, they acknowlege each other but would keep walking, a lot of women dont even acknowledge and I do believe its in our gender to hold grudges.

that saying, I think we deal better with emotion than men, we do talk things out, but I would say Id rather argue with a man than a woman, fighting with women can get very ugly verbally.

NOGMaxpower

OP,

Someone like her isn't worth worry about. They weren't a true friend if they dropped you like that.

Its not a girl thing both sex's do it, its just a wanker thing. People like that are takers in friendships, they dont reliase it and will often criticise others for being takers when really they are just self projecting.

Chalk them down, move on, dont get cut up about it. You sound like a lovely person and unfortunately nice people attract "takers" as we have more to give.

NEXT

diarmuid05

Could just be laziness....

I always have the best intentions of keeping up with old friends, but rarely get around to it...

margarite

Alanna! wrote: »

Hi,
I was friends with a girl for a few years and then got dumped for no obvious reason. Towards "the end" I was the one who always arranged meetings and then after a few unanswered emails I just stopped bothering cos I knew she wasn’t interested anymore. A while ago I heard she had a kid and I sent her a congrats message on facebook and she requested me as a friend which I accepted but I never heard anything from her at all. Why do women act like that when men are so different? I’m regularly out with my boyfriend when he meets male acquaintances from years ago and they always stop and have a chat. Why do girls who were friends just ignore each other? If someone I hadn’t seen in years sent me a message on facebook I’d have the manners to ask them how they were/what they were up to. I had initially thought that a friend request rather than a reply was just her wanting to increase her number of friends but people told me that was a ridiculous thing to think. Now I'm thinking I was right.
I'd appreciate anyones comments

It is something I never could understand why girls give up their friends when they meet a new guy/marry him and want nothing to do with their old friends, if anything goes wrong, or I just want a girl y night out which is great fun, how would I do it if I have forgotten all my friends, I met this women in hospital a few years ago and she told me that she had left all of her friends behind and only gave her time to her husband, when he died none of her friends wanted to know her. She spend all of her time looking out the window as friends in her estate walked by going of doing something. Please girls hold onto your friends they will get u through the bad times, and you can enjoy the fun times without the men. The reasons are many, the man they have married might be loaded and she ll have better clothes and up market friends that you would be in the same level as she is. This is sad say it goes wrong the up market friends will go with the ex husband and who will she have? Is this any help:)

Alanna!

Penny Lane wrote: »

Alanna I don't want to be mean but you sound like a teenager. Not everybody is on facebook on a daily basis, infact someone who's just had a baby probably sees facebook as an escape if/when she gets a minute. Forgetting to reply is not a slight or a PFO. Seriously, she didn't walk past you in the street, she didn't ignore a phone call, she simply didn't answer a facebook message. It really doesn't count as the death knell on your friendship. I'd urge you, if you really want to make an effort to restore your friendship, to pick up the phone and call her. Old school really is best with old friends.....

I know even by posting this and asking peoples opinions may appear a little obsessive but I can assure you I’m not sitting around all day thinking about it. I just wanted a strangers opinion.The story is quite simple: We were friends, she began to drift, I decided to stop trying to contact her after slow/no response to previous attempts. A few months passed and I heard she had a kid so I sent her a message on facebook to which she responded to with a friend request. I wasn’t expecting anything from her I just genuinely wanted to say congrats to her as I was happy for her. It was just out of respect for our friendship in the same way that I’d go to a persons funeral to be civil. My issue is that when she sent the friend request I was taken aback and thought that it was just her wanting more friends on facebook but a tiny part of me thought maybe she wanted to regain contact. I don’t think I could ring her as it hurts when someone ignores you electronically so I’d be nervous that if she does now hate me that she might be mean over the phone. Thanks a lot for all the very wise advice from everyone. There are some good friends out there:)