I know this isn't really normal, but ...

LegacyUser

Long story short ... I'm a twenty-nine year old woman, and I've been involved in a relationship with a man for almost three years now. We're very much in love, but we are currently living in different countries (we're both from Dublin, but I'm currently in Belfast, and he's in Brussels on a two year secondment.)

I cheat on him sometimes. Only a few times. I've never slept with another guy, but there have been a few kisses, and sometimes more. I don't feel all that bad about it. I guess I just crave affection, and go for the "easy" fix. It's not something that really plays on my mind afterwards, as it never really means that much to me. And I know no one up here in Belfast; it's very very unlikely that he could ever find out about this from anybody else.

I love my boyfriend, and I want to stay with him. If I told him about this, we'd break up. I'd be miserable. He'd be miserable. I suppose this is sort of my outlet, or my coping mechanism. Crossing the boundaries occasionally is what is making the long distance thing work. As long as it is working, and as long as we're both happy, what's the harm? Who am I hurting?

I do think that, when we are living together in the future, I won't want or need anyone else. So this is only a temporary thing.

For the record, I don't think he's ever cheated on me, and I'm pretty certain that he never would, but it honestly wouldn't bother me all that much at all if he did.

I guess I'm just looking for opinions here. And I've a feeling that any opinions offered are going to be quite negative and critical ... but go for it. I just feel like such a weirdo, being in this situation ... I would welcome any perspectives.

shebango

Sometimes seeing other people can work for some couples.

And the key to this working is that both people know that this is what they signed up for.

Your reasons may be valid ones but you are still deceiving your partner by cheating and lying.

If he agreed to an open relationship until you both lived together, then great.

But the fact that you're doing this without his knowledge and behind his back? Not on, i'm afraid. No matter what way you dress it up.

seenitall

OP, your post is almost brutal in its selfishness.

So, to skip all the judgment and reasoning (because with such a personality as yourself, all that hasn't a hope of getting through), I will just say this much: you know that your OH would be deeply hurt and would break up with you if he knew the truth. Therefore you know that what you are doing is wrong.

For his sake, I hope against hope that he does find out about you somehow. Otherwise life is going to be unfair on him - he is being taken for a mug.

Sardonicat

ameliajane wrote: »

I cheat on him sometimes. Only a few times. I've never slept with another guy, but there have been a few kisses, and sometimes more. I don't feel all that bad about it. I guess I just crave affection, and go for the "easy" fix. It's not something that really plays on my mind afterwards, as it never really means that much to me. And I know no one up here in Belfast; it's very very unlikely that he could ever find out about this from anybody else.

I love my boyfriend, and I want to stay with him. If I told him about this, we'd break up. I'd be miserable. He'd be miserable. I suppose this is sort of my outlet, or my coping mechanism. Crossing the boundaries occasionally is what is making the long distance thing work. As long as it is working, and as long as we're both happy, what's the harm? Who am I hurting?



For the record, I don't think he's ever cheated on me, and I'm pretty certain that he never would, but it honestly wouldn't bother me all that much at all if he did.

If you are so convinced that what you are doing is harmless, why are you even asking? You are doing something that you know would hurt your bf should he discover it, the fact that if he were to do the same without you being hurt is besides the point.

You are cheating. Not a nice thing to do. Have a read over your post from the perspective of your bf and see how you feel. If you are still convinced what you are doing is harmless do the man a favour and end the relationship. He sounds like he deserves a lot better than you.

28064212

If it's harmless, then you'd be able to tell your boyfriend.

What you should have done, and what would have been the mature thing to do, was to actually have a discussion with him when you knew you were going to be apart for so long (or when you first felt the need to cheat). Maybe he would have been delighted to be able to have his own "coping mechanism". Or maybe he would have said that it was an absolute no-go in his eyes.

But as far as he knows, he's in a monogamous relationship. You've unilaterally decided that it was an open relationship, without allowing him to have any input, nor to have his own options outside the relationship.

You say you'd be ok with him cheating. What if it was beyond your level of cheating? What if he was carrying on a full emotionally-involved relationship with someone else? Would you be ok with that?

Telling him that you've already cheated on him won't do much good. But you should have a discussion about what you are and aren't allowed do while you're apart. If he says that cheating is out of the question, then you have to decide which is more important to you. But he should have the option

prinz

ameliajane wrote: »

I cheat on him sometimes.

Boil it down and leave it at that. Everything else is irrelevant. You are cheating on your OH.

Distance is irrelevant. The fact that you see nothing whatsoever wrong with your actions would lead me to suspect that you wouldn't put too much thought into just kissing "and sometimes more" other fellas when/if you are in the same place.

Zen65

ameliajane wrote: »

I love my boyfriend, and I want to stay with him. If I told him about this, we'd break up. I'd be miserable. He'd be miserable. I suppose this is sort of my outlet, or my coping mechanism. Crossing the boundaries occasionally is what is making the long distance thing work. As long as it is working, and as long as we're both happy, what's the harm? Who am I hurting?

So, in summary these one-night events are just a way of coping with your physical desires, and because there is no emotional attachment on your side, it does not damage your feelings for your bf, so you don't consider that it does any harm?

I can see the logic in this.

I'm not so sure he would (and you seem clear that he probably would not) so while it might be unlikely that he will ever find out, the consequences if he does will be very severe, as you illustrate in your post.

I'm also not convinced that you won't at some stage extend your logic to having sex with these ONS guys, after all, it's just a way of dealing with a physical craving, not an emotional thing from your perspective, so why not?

Like many other rational arguments, it might seem OK in theory, but in practice it is a very high-risk behaviour, and eventually your relationship has a high probability of being damaged by it.

Be at peace,

Z

LighterGuy

Op,

- You're cheating on your boyfriend. You can justify it all you want. A spade is a spade.

[On a side note to the board, this is why I feel long distance relationships dont work. You cant trust people.]

Distorted

Why are you with someone you want to cheat on, OP? If you are that crazy enough to be with someone in what is by at least one party supposed to be a serious, monogamous relationship, why on earth would you want to cheat so early into the relationship? Not that I condone cheating, but you can almost understand a one-off kiss years into a lengthy relationship, but after two or three years? I can only conclude you like him, but are not that crazy about him, otherwise you would have no motivation to cheat on him with other men. Why not break up with him if you want to kiss other men? What is your real motivation for being in this relationship?

prinz

LighterGuy wrote: »

[On a side note to the board, this is why I feel long distance relationships dont work. You cant trust people.]

They can and you can. This is why the OP riled me up more than most, having been in an LDR for 3+ years, of course there were times when I too "craved affection" but at the end of the day nobody was forcing me or is forcing the OP to be in the distance relationship.It doesn't take a rocket scientist to weigh up what means more, your relationship or a snog and a fumble from some randomer to satisfy your craving. You know what I did when I was really craving affection? Jumped on a plane and went to see her, not jump on some other person for a cheap fix.

Put up or shut up seems to be the simplest way of putting it.

LighterGuy

Thats the thing Prinz, I reckon you are in a LDR that has worked. Sadly majority dont. Thats not my cold harsh opinion. Just the way it is.

Take sex and regular physical contact out and .. well you know what tends to happen. Sad isnt it.

prinz

LighterGuy wrote: »

Thats the thing Prinz, I reckon you are in a LDR that has worked. Sadly majority dont. Thats not my cold harsh opinion. Just the way it is. Take sex and regular physical contact out and .. well you know what tends to happen. Sad isnt it.

Like any relationship (distance or not) it depends on the people and what they invest in the relationship itself. The distance factor is not a valid excuse to start playing around... and want to continue the relationship at the same time.

Wagon

ameliajane wrote: »

Long story short ... I'm a twenty-nine year old woman, and I've been involved in a relationship with a man for almost three years now. We're very much in love, but we are currently living in different countries (we're both from Dublin, but I'm currently in Belfast, and he's in Brussels on a two year secondment.)

I cheat on him sometimes. Only a few times. I've never slept with another guy, but there have been a few kisses, and sometimes more. I don't feel all that bad about it. I guess I just crave affection, and go for the "easy" fix. It's not something that really plays on my mind afterwards, as it never really means that much to me. And I know no one up here in Belfast; it's very very unlikely that he could ever find out about this from anybody else.

I love my boyfriend, and I want to stay with him. If I told him about this, we'd break up. I'd be miserable. He'd be miserable. I suppose this is sort of my outlet, or my coping mechanism. Crossing the boundaries occasionally is what is making the long distance thing work. As long as it is working, and as long as we're both happy, what's the harm? Who am I hurting?

I do think that, when we are living together in the future, I won't want or need anyone else. So this is only a temporary thing.

For the record, I don't think he's ever cheated on me, and I'm pretty certain that he never would, but it honestly wouldn't bother me all that much at all if he did.

I guess I'm just looking for opinions here. And I've a feeling that any opinions offered are going to be quite negative and critical ... but go for it. I just feel like such a weirdo, being in this situation ... I would welcome any perspectives.

See the highlighted part? That's the thing that stuck out for me.

It boils down to this.

You're cheating on your boyfriend. He doesn't know and you know he'd break up with you if you found out. He never cheated on you and yet you insist on doing it to him.

The only reason you are doing this is because you know you can get away with it. The right thing to do would be to tell him what happened and let him decide what he wants to do.

The world doesn't revolve around you but judging by your post, you think otherwise.

james.xix

It's a mean thing to do to someone. Having him believe ye are in a committed relationship and you are playing around with other guys like that.

You cannot be sure he is not cheating on you though. You say you are sure he is not cheating on you. How can you be so sure? For all you know he could be at some party or anything and have a love interest over there. It would be nothing to condone but with your actions, it's kind of what you deserve to happen to you.

LegacyUser

I can see what you're saying, ameliajane. I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt. But if it is a serious relationship, you'll tell him. I did it while my b/f was in Lanzarote, and for 3 months kept doing it. Never again. Developed serious depression, life very nearly ended for me. If not now, at some point down the road it will eat you up inside. You don't feel that bad about it now, but just wait.

Tell him. He thinks he can trust you, after 3 years he thinks he knows you. Tell him. If he loves you he'll try to see your point of view, even if he can't deal with it. There are plenty of options, open relationship, take a break till he comes back, etc. But only with his consent. Tell him, he deserves to know. You really sound like you don't care about him from your post.

For the record I'm still with that b/f now. We broke up (didn't take a break, tried that) for 5 months. I copped on. That was 4 years ago. Now we tell each other everything. I haven't done it since cuz I don't feel the need to, I know what I want now. I frequently travel to Germany, staying there for months at a time. He comes over when he can to be with me. Flights to Brussels aren't very expensive, esp. if you're a frequent flier. Tell him, I can't stress that enough.