Relationships and Finances

james.xix · 24-11-2010 2:33pm #1

I give advice here now and again. Sometimes I need a bit of advice or different opinions on things myself, though at the end of the day only I will know what is right and what I want to do.
I work, my girlfriend does not, due to the current climate in many ways. She wants us to go away this weekend, as she wants to catch up with a friend in a different city at a party, and wants me to pay for it all. She is saying she should be treated once in a while.
I think it's a bit rich. I've paid for things before, I will do so again but there is no way I'm paying for all of a weekend away like this. I've no problems paying my way and possibly treating us on a weekend away for us. If it was my mates we were catching up with I probably would pay for it all if the boot was on the other foot.
In most relationships I've been in, I've been in what I'd see as modern relationship where both always pay there way. It's never even a rule or discussion, just the way things seem to go, while there are the occasions one gets treated.
Am I being unreasonable not paying for the weekend away? Is my girlfriend unreasonable for not looking for a split in costs?

astra2000 · 24-11-2010 2:53pm

Well it depends imo. How serious are ye about each other, have ye been together long, do ye live together? my self and my husband moved intogether quiet young and from that time we combined our money and every thing goes into/comes out of the one pot. This has always worked for us.
Can you easily afford to pay for the weekend away? You mentioned that in relationships both should pay their way, but how can your gf if she is on social welfare. On the other hand it seems chheky to come up with a weekend away and expect you to pay.

Squiggler · 24-11-2010 3:09pm

Astra2000 asked some good questions.

My OH is out of work, having no luck finding a job, retraining to try to improve his chances and not in receipt of any Social Welfare for various reasons. When he had savings to draw on he did his best to pay his share but they ran out and now I pay for everything. I don't resent this for a minute. I know that if the situation was the other way around and I was the one struggling to find a job he wouldn't think twice about providing for me.

Financial worries are a major test of a relationship.

But... if you're not living together sharing a life and bills it is a bit presumptuous of your girlfriend to demand that you pay for a trip that is largely for her benefit. Can she go visit these friends by herself and stay with them to cut costs?

Distorted · 24-11-2010 3:18pm

Plenty of partners treat their other halves to a romantic weekend away. But if its a trip you're not interested in going on, then say so and tell her to go herself. It would depend on the real reason she isn't working and how hard she is trying to find a job I would guess.

james.xix · 24-11-2010 3:20pm

Hi, thank you both for your replies.

We've been going out over a year. We are not living together. We've talked about it. My girlfriend would love to but I don't think the time is right yet. We both seem to agree we will in the next 8-9 months.
I can afford the weekend away but I think it's a bit rich when it's a weekend for her benefit. If it was for my benefit, I would pay all, when it's for her benefit I think we should split costs at least. I'd happily treat her for a weekend away for us. We were away recently and we split costs but I did pay for some of the nights away all myself not to have her under pressure.
The party is for a couple she knows, we'd both have to go to this one really and get accomodation in the city.

I am a friend · 24-11-2010 3:22pm

Well its a bit tight of you but then no one should be telling you or suggesting how you should spend your own money. At the end of the day, if you are going to be together forever (and is there any point moving in together if you are not thinking like that) then does it matter whose money is spent???

james.xix · 24-11-2010 3:26pm

Distorted wrote: »

Plenty of partners treat their other halves to a romantic weekend away. But if its a trip you're not interested in going on, then say so and tell her to go herself. It would depend on the real reason she isn't working and how hard she is trying to find a job I would guess.

I would treat her for a weekend away as well but not like this. It doesn't feel right to. It's a trip we'd have to make as a couple really, I would go but not all at a cost to me for this one.
She's looking hard for work, just hasn't got that break in recent months like many people.
She thinks I don't spoil her enough. She was saying she should be treated more. I don't agree with that myself. I believe I do treat her. We've only been going out over a year though, I'm sure in time I will her more. I'm not going to be pushed into it. Nobody should ask to be treated, it's something which should happen I would think.

I am a friend · 24-11-2010 3:29pm

Well she obviously has an issue with some element of the relationship which could be nothing more than you dont spend enough time with her up to you dont make her feel special. If you continue to rollercoast over her views and opinions like this you wont have the chance to spoil her in the future... She will be gone. You cant win them all and if its a serious, long term relationship, you should not be keeping count.

james.xix · 24-11-2010 3:30pm

I am a friend wrote: »

Well its a bit tight of you but then no one should be telling you or suggesting how you should spend your own money. At the end of the day, if you are going to be together forever (and is there any point moving in together if you are not thinking like that) then does it matter whose money is spent???

It might appear that way but I think I have paid more than my fair share in recent months. I don't keep track of this kind of stuff, don't count money or anything like that but one would have a sense that they are contributing a fair bit or more.
I was looking forward to going away for this trip for the party that is on. When I was told to keep the weekend clear for us to go, I wasn't expecting to be asked to pay for the whole lot.
If we were living together, things would be different maybe in someways. We don't live together at the moment, not likely to happen for a few months.

I am a friend · 24-11-2010 3:32pm

Ah ok... But sure if the intention is there to live together what difference does a few months make? Is she the one you want to be with for life?

Squiggler · 24-11-2010 3:33pm

Or the other side of it is that your girlfriend may have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, after all, you have stated that you have treated her in the past.

Everyone is different. I'm one of those people who would always want to pay my way if at all possible. So to me your girlfriend is sounding grasping and demanding.

james.xix · 24-11-2010 3:38pm

I am a friend wrote: »

Well she obviously has an issue with some element of the relationship which could be nothing more than you dont spend enough time with her up to you dont make her feel special. If you continue to rollercoast over her views and opinions like this you wont have the chance to spoil her in the future... She will be gone. You cant win them all and if its a serious, long term relationship, you should not be keeping count.

We all have issues with elements of relationships I guess.
I don't think I am rollercoasting over her views. I'm not keeping count either. I'm not going to be rollercoasted myself into paying entirely for somoething though when I don't think it is right.

ztoical · 24-11-2010 3:47pm

Honestly OP I think she's some cheek to be saying you should spoil her more. If someone wants to spend their money on their OH that's fine it's their money but being told they should is a different story. Everyone is different and not all couples share one big pot even when they are married. My parents kept their money as their money and transfered money to a joint account for joint bills only. Only you know what your relationship is like.

Had she asked as a favor or a loan from you maybe but saying you should pay as a treat to her....seems a bit much IMO.

james.xix · 24-11-2010 3:54pm

I am a friend wrote: »

Ah ok... But sure if the intention is there to live together what difference does a few months make? Is she the one you want to be with for life?

I can't answer that question 100%. It's not something I think should be taken either way, though I know some people might. Everyone is different at the end of the day, what works for some doesn't for others. I've told her I wan't ready to move in. She's been ok with that. Somethings and some people need more time than others.

james.xix · 24-11-2010 4:02pm

Squiggler wrote: »

Or the other side of it is that your girlfriend may have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, after all, you have stated that you have treated her in the past.

Everyone is different. I'm one of those people who would always want to pay my way if at all possible. So to me your girlfriend is sounding grasping and demanding.

This is where I'm coming as well. I always will want to pay my own way if at all possible. I'd have no problems treating her for weekends away for us. I have seen it as demanding to be honest.

james.xix · 24-11-2010 4:08pm

ztoical wrote: »

Honestly OP I think she's some cheek to be saying you should spoil her more. If someone wants to spend their money on their OH that's fine it's their money but being told they should is a different story. Everyone is different and not all couples share one big pot even when they are married. My parents kept their money as their money and transfered money to a joint account for joint bills only. Only you know what your relationship is like.

Had she asked as a favor or a loan from you maybe but saying you should pay as a treat to her....seems a bit much IMO.

I've given a favour of a loan for other trips of ours. One for a wedding of a family member of hers and the second for our first holiday abroad.

I am a friend · 24-11-2010 4:21pm

you seem to just want us to agree with you so here you go - you are right!!! Dont know her side of the story so there you go. Best of luck but dont be surprised if there is more to this than her looking for you to cough up for something.

james.xix · 24-11-2010 4:35pm

I am a friend wrote: »

you seem to just want us to agree with you so here you go - you are right!!! Dont know her side of the story so there you go. Best of luck but dont be surprised if there is more to this than her looking for you to cough up for something.

Thanks for your opinion and advice so far. I don't need and am not looking for people to agree with me. What you say is true about not knowing her side of the story. I can only give my side I guess and look for other peoples opinions and their point of view on this, which is all I'm looking to do really.

astra2000 · 24-11-2010 4:48pm

I think you need to look closely at the "you dont treat me enough" comments. What exactly does she mean by this? Its possible she may be talking about just doing nice things for her it, stuff that doesnt need to cost much/anything. If she is actually talking about you spending a lot of money on her then I would consider that to be greedy. However I dont think this is a massive issue now, but if you do move in together it could turn in to one. At the moment you appear to see your money as yours and you decide how you spend it, I am not questioning that at all but it kind of sounds like she is starting to think that your money should be for both of you and if she cant afford something you should get it for her. How important is this meet up to her? Are you the type of person that, if you saw it meant a lot to her and she said she couldnt go, you would have offered to pay, or do you just think your event you pay? Your not sure about spending the rest of your life with her, thats fair enough, but if you move in with her and still feel the same you should probably be honest about that.

seenitall · 24-11-2010 5:07pm

OP, it is your money, and it is up to you how you spend it.

No matter how "her side of the story" reads, I can't imagine telling my b/f "you aren't treating me enough". It is, as someone already said, grasping and greedy, in my opinion.

However, the money question within a relationship is vastly individual. I would just be concerned that her views on it and yours are in a too much of an opposition to be able to work out - and that's before you have even moved in and started sharing many more expenses!

I suggest putting your cards on the table with her and talking completely openly about finances and financial plans etc. You shouldn't feel pressurised by anybody about the manner you spend your money, least of all your OH, so don't feel cowed into admitting you are a mean b/f or anything similar. You're not. What she is asking is a bit shady, IMO. I wouldn't like it one bit.

The two of you are much better off sorting all this out now, than any time down the road.

Best wishes.

james.xix · 24-11-2010 5:25pm

seenitall wrote: »

OP, it is your money, and it is up to you how you spend it.

No matter how "her side of the story" reads, I can't imagine telling my b/f "you aren't treating me enough". It is, as someone already said, grasping and greedy, in my opinion.

However, the money question within a relationship is vastly individual. I would just be concerned that her views on it and yours are in a too much of an opposition to be able to work out - and that's before you have even moved in and started sharing many more expenses!

I suggest putting your cards on the table with her and talking completely openly about finances and financial plans etc. You shouldn't feel pressurised by anybody about the manner you spend your money, least of all your OH, so don't feel cowed into admitting you are a mean b/f or anything similar. You're not. What she is asking is a bit shady, IMO. I wouldn't like it one bit.

The two of you are much better off sorting all this out now, than any time down the road.

Best wishes.

We have spoken on finances before. I think you are right regards our view on finances being opposite.
I remember on one of our first dates she expected me to buy all the drinks. I let it slide that day but I brought it up with her one time that's I'm not that kind of fella. I see men and women as equal. I know strong women, they are independent and make their own way. I admire that. It's not easy on my gf being out of work. I don't think about the money side much really but know I do contribute fair and more than fair on that side of things.
It could well be something else bothering my gf, time will tell when we talk more I guess.
I think all my cards are on the table on this. I did feel I was being pressurised on the subject. I said to her I've a feeling I'm being picked on or turned on here for no reason. I'm not going to be cowed into being mean or anything like that. I know it's not the case. It is something we do need to sort out.
Thanks for your advice/opinion.

Neyite · 24-11-2010 5:28pm

money is supposedly the biggest cause of disagreement between a couple. this issue will be revealing in one way to see if the two of you are in agreement on money issues before you move in together.

astra2000 wrote: »

I think you need to look closely at the "you dont treat me enough" comments. What exactly does she mean by this? Its possible she may be talking about just doing nice things for her it, stuff that doesnt need to cost much/anything. If she is actually talking about you spending a lot of money on her then I would consider that to be greedy.

Astra has hit on something here - and in addition i would ask yourself if she treats you. there are loads of things that dont cost money, that show affection and caring. does she do any for you? personally i would never tell my fella that he does not treat me enough. i think its an odd thing to say, and i would never say it as i think its quite cheeky.

wrote:

However I dont think this is a massive issue now, but if you do move in together it could turn in to one. At the moment you appear to see your money as yours and you decide how you spend it, I am not questioning that at all but it kind of sounds like she is starting to think that your money should be for both of you and if she cant afford something you should get it for her.

Myself and the OH share everything now that we live together, we know each others pin numbers, he takes cash out of my wallet if he needs it, and i do the same. we dont have to ask, but we always do as a courtesy. My sister and her fella are of the lets-split-it-down-the middle school of thought.

its whatever the couple are happy to do. there is no right or wrong way, the only thing you need to be certain of is that you both agree the financial arrangements before you do move in.

james.xix · 24-11-2010 5:59pm

Neyite wrote: »

money is supposedly the biggest cause of disagreement between a couple. this issue will be revealing in one way to see if the two of you are in agreement on money issues before you move in together.

Astra has hit on something here - and in addition i would ask yourself if she treats you. there are loads of things that dont cost money, that show affection and caring. does she do any for you? personally i would never tell my fella that he does not treat me enough. i think its an odd thing to say, and i would never say it as i think its quite cheeky.

Myself and the OH share everything now that we live together, we know each others pin numbers, he takes cash out of my wallet if he needs it, and i do the same. we dont have to ask, but we always do as a courtesy. My sister and her fella are of the lets-split-it-down-the middle school of thought.

its whatever the couple are happy to do. there is no right or wrong way, the only thing you need to be certain of is that you both agree the financial arrangements before you do move in.

Hi, thanks for your advice.
I'd agree money can be an issue. Ideally it should not be but realistically it can be.
Astra probably has hit the nail on the head in some respects. I think it's a harsh thing to say but Iwill have to speak with her on it. She was saying outside of birthdays and occasions I don't get her things and the weekend away would be a good time to.
I wouldn't agree with it myself but on this board without her side of the story, I can only give my own. When I mentioned how I paid for hotels on some of our trips and dinners and breaksfast with out saying anything or thinking twice about them, she did back away from what she was saying. We were talking on the phone so our conversation kind of finished there.
My gf does treat me and does do things for me. I think we both do, kind of happens natuarally really.
We did have a mini-break-up before. That was because she used to get a bit moody and shout in arguments when we were having a discussion. We got back together when she asked me to give things another go and we've been grand since.

From your example of yourself and your OH and your sister and her fella, myself an my gf are probably one of the other.

Wompa1 · 24-11-2010 6:33pm

I suppose it's how you see your relationship. I sometimes pay for things for my girlfriend but I don't resent her I see it more as an investment in "us" even if it's something that doesn't benefit me.

What if you give her a bit of money so that she get the bus or whatever and a little spending money so she can drink at her friends house, stay there and afford 2 or 3 drinks on a night out....

You can say you'd sacrifice going yourself and save that bit you would have spent on your travel and booze. Plus if its both of you I'd imagine you'd go for a hotel or B&B

Katgurl · 24-11-2010 6:51pm

i like a guy to treat me sometimes, pick up the bill after dinner & wave away my attempts to pay, i think it is v.romantic. i also like cooking for a man, buying him little presents, treating him etc.

However, i 100% disagree with what your girlfriend has done.

She told you to keep weekend free to spend with HER mates and then expects you to foot the bill?

TBH i'm flabberghasted at the responses here. What are you - her personal atm?
Certainly if my OH earns more than me (or vice-versa which has happened in the past), its not always possible to splilt things 50:50 but you adapt around that ie. both make an effort to organise things within your budget. You certainly don't organise activities you can't afford & then expect the other party to foot the bill. I think its an absolute disgrace.

I'd be taking a long hard look at the relationship OP.

greengiant09 · 24-11-2010 7:08pm

completely agree with above!....can't believe some of the responses so far. if anyone is being scabby, it's her!!! sounds downright cheeky of her to put you under pressure like that. you sound like a decent bloke who treats your girlfriend well.

it's not like you're married either!!!...you've only being going out a year which is nothing in real terms!!...don't be a fool and give in to her demands. set her straight. you don't need to show someone you care for them by lavishing money on them...you can do that in other ways. i'd be very wary if she tried to argue that logic.

Sardonicat · 24-11-2010 7:18pm

I'm surpirised her pride alows her to demand that you pay the full cost! I'm in the same situation as your gf, and I won't consider a relationship at the moment 'cos I'm so embarassed by the fact that I can't afford to pay for much and I don't want to be seen as someone looking for a meal ticket or a lost soul needing to be looked after. If she even offered to pay a third of the cost of the weekend that would be fair.

I wouldn't want to be in a realtionship where I couldn't contribute in some way financially to shared activities. Maybe she can't afford to go halves at the moment but she should contribute as much as she can. If she can't afford to contribute at all then she should stop at home.

james.xix · 24-11-2010 7:20pm

Wompa1 wrote: »

I suppose it's how you see your relationship. I sometimes pay for things for my girlfriend but I don't resent her I see it more as an investment in "us" even if it's something that doesn't benefit me.

What if you give her a bit of money so that she get the bus or whatever and a little spending money so she can drink at her friends house, stay there and afford 2 or 3 drinks on a night out....

You can say you'd sacrifice going yourself and save that bit you would have spent on your travel and booze. Plus if its both of you I'd imagine you'd go for a hotel or B&B

I don't resent times I pay for things and don't give it much thought usually. Sometimes people have a sense for things or things don't feell right. I possibly am of things shoul dbe split down the middle. At the same time, I would splash on a break for us.
Paying for this weekend doesn't sit well with me though. I'd pay for it with a view to being paid back. There's no way I would go on this trip paying for it all. I would feel like being taken advataged of. The last two posts have touched on how feel. It's why I don't think I should. I would feell as they have outlined.

Sardonicat · 24-11-2010 7:38pm

james.xix wrote: »

I don't resent times I pay for things and don't give it much thought usually. Sometimes people have a sense for things or things don't feell right. I possibly am of things shoul dbe split down the middle. At the same time, I would splash on a break for us.
Paying for this weekend doesn't sit well with me though. I'd pay for it with a view to being paid back. There's no way I would go on this trip paying for it all. I would feel like being taken advataged of. The last two posts have touched on how feel. It's why I don't think I should. I would feell as they have outlined.

She does seem to be taking advatage of you (or, trying to, anyway).

As I said, I'm in the same situation as your GF and I wouldn't dream of demanding "treats" like this as a matter of course. She's a very lucky woman to have a fella like you and she can't see it. Really, she should be offering what she can upfront and insisting that accecpt repayment of the rest. I'm sure if she did that you would't be feeling so used?

Conversely, I let a guy go because he refused to allow me to contribute financially! I really appreciated his generosity and realisticly speaking I couldn't afford to go halves but he refused point blank to accecpt any contribution, even a token offering. It's completely unhealthy and leads to an imbalance of power in a relationship. Does she want a Daddy/daughter relationship? Jebus, it's bad enough not contributing to society without feeling disempowered in your relationship as well. She's got no self-respect , IMO, and therefore cannot respect you.

james.xix · 24-11-2010 10:13pm

astra2000 wrote: »

I think you need to look closely at the "you dont treat me enough" comments. What exactly does she mean by this? Its possible she may be talking about just doing nice things for her it, stuff that doesnt need to cost much/anything. If she is actually talking about you spending a lot of money on her then I would consider that to be greedy. However I dont think this is a massive issue now, but if you do move in together it could turn in to one. At the moment you appear to see your money as yours and you decide how you spend it, I am not questioning that at all but it kind of sounds like she is starting to think that your money should be for both of you and if she cant afford something you should get it for her. How important is this meet up to her? Are you the type of person that, if you saw it meant a lot to her and she said she couldnt go, you would have offered to pay, or do you just think your event you pay? Your not sure about spending the rest of your life with her, thats fair enough, but if you move in with her and still feel the same you should probably be honest about that.

Hi, thanks for your reply, meant to respond earlier.
You've a point about her comment, I'll have to speak with her more about that. The implication seemed to be on buying things and she backed off that comment on the phone when I mentioned hotel trips I paid for and meals, all of which I never commented on or batted an eye lid on.
I do see our money as seperate but we do split things and it doesn't always be 50-50 or anything like that.
I don't think this meet up is high on a scale. If it was an important event, I'd offer to help but I think she'd be hell bent on going as well.
Thanks for your reply and to everyone else as well.

fatherted1969 · 24-11-2010 10:47pm

james.xix wrote: »

I give advice here now and again. Sometimes I need a bit of advice or different opinions on things myself, though at the end of the day only I will know what is right and what I want to do.
I work, my girlfriend does not, due to the current climate in many ways. She wants us to go away this weekend, as she wants to catch up with a friend in a different city at a party, and wants me to pay for it all. She is saying she should be treated once in a while.
I think it's a bit rich. I've paid for things before, I will do so again but there is no way I'm paying for all of a weekend away like this. I've no problems paying my way and possibly treating us on a weekend away for us. If it was my mates we were catching up with I probably would pay for it all if the boot was on the other foot.
In most relationships I've been in, I've been in what I'd see as modern relationship where both always pay there way. It's never even a rule or discussion, just the way things seem to go, while there are the occasions one gets treated.
Am I being unreasonable not paying for the weekend away? Is my girlfriend unreasonable for not looking for a split in costs?

I believe you are the one thats being unreasonable here. You are in a relationship with this woman but you dont want to take her somewhere she'd like to go just cos she's not working.

I'd like to think that my wife would pay for us to go somewhere even if i couldn't contribute to it at that time.

It doesn't look too good for your future with your OH if your starting to think like this in my opinion

seenitall · 24-11-2010 10:56pm

fatherted1969 wrote: »

I'd like to think that my wife would pay for us to go somewhere even if i couldn't contribute to it at that time.

It's one thing your wife treating you to somewhere nice when you are unable to pay your way, and another thing you demanding that she does so.

Besides which the OP and his g/f aren't even married, and I agree it doesn't look too good for their future - but on account of the g/f "starting to think" that she is somehow entitled to dispose of some of OP's income, NOT on account of him declining to play the role of her cash-mashine!

Stheno · 24-11-2010 10:58pm

fatherted1969 wrote: »

I believe you are the one thats being unreasonable here. You are in a relationship with this woman but you dont want to take her somewhere she'd like to go just cos she's not working.

I'd think the opposite, the OP has already stated he has treated his gf several times this year, and now she has essentially told him that he should be treating her to a night away to see her friends?

Fair enough if she asked for a loan or the like, but not an outright demand that he "treat" her, he's not her personal atm! Gf sounds a bit of a princess tbh.

greengiant09 · 24-11-2010 11:28pm

fatherted1969 wrote: »

I believe you are the one thats being unreasonable here. You are in a relationship with this woman but you dont want to take her somewhere she'd like to go just cos she's not working.

I'd like to think that my wife would pay for us to go somewhere even if i couldn't contribute to it at that time.

It doesn't look too good for your future with your OH if your starting to think like this in my opinion

don't know how you came to that conclusion. he's only been going out with a year, he's not married to her and he's not even living with her! i wouldn't consider his relationship as being that serious.

he's also paid all the expenses on several previous nites out without raising an eye-brow. from what he's said so far, i bet ye he pays alot more than an equal share if he was to add it all up.

seems to me she's taking advantage of him. i'd say even if she had a job, she'd probably expect him to pay more than 50-50. some people are just scabby like that.

james.xix · 25-11-2010 12:25am

My gf seems to accept it was a bit much to ask like she did. I'll have to draw a line under it and move on. People find themselves out in different ways. We broke up before but have been grand since we got back together. Who knows in this life? There's no rules to this only what we see as right and ok for us.

My gf wants to work and earn her way in life. If I was starting a topic after our conversation tonight, it'd be if my gf needs to leave the country to work, should I follow her?

I'm happy out in the city I'm working in and am glad to have a job. Leaving this country is nothing on my horizons at the moment but one never knows. I was facing redundancy last year but was lucky enough to start a new job in a few weeks.

My gf is mulling over leaving the country anyways to find work. She wants to know if I will follow. I'm like I can't exactly up sticks and leave. She worried what it might mean for our relationship. I don't think we'll really know until we're in that position, if we are.

I told her anyways her for me to leave is near the same type of bullying in away as I would see it as looking for me to pay for the weekend away. I will not ask and dictate to her what to do. I don't expect the same to be done to me.

Have other people, not married or long-term, have OH's moved away and how has this affected their relationship?

magneticimpulse · 25-11-2010 1:09am

james.xix wrote: »

Hi, thank you both for your replies.

We've been going out over a year. We are not living together. We've talked about it. My girlfriend would love to but I don't think the time is right yet. We both seem to agree we will in the next 8-9 months.
I can afford the weekend away but I think it's a bit rich when it's a weekend for her benefit. If it was for my benefit, I would pay all, when it's for her benefit I think we should split costs at least. I'd happily treat her for a weekend away for us. We were away recently and we split costs but I did pay for some of the nights away all myself not to have her under pressure.
The party is for a couple she knows, we'd both have to go to this one really and get accomodation in the city.

you said she has no job...and you live seperately. Im not suprised she is broke and cannot afford to go away. Maybe if you move in together she can split the rent with you and then instead of wasting her money on rent she can afford to go on weekends like this. I think its a bit rich of you to assume in the current climate that she is just using you. Lots of people are really struggling at the moment, myself included. Im on the dole in France and would love to return to Ireland, but have no job prospects there even thou im a qualified Doctor!!! Which in todays climate means nothing, i might as well look for a job in Tesco.

So i think its great the think one way before in the celtic tiger...but not everybody has been that lucky with the current way. Why dont you move in together? That way she will have more cash to go 50 50

magneticimpulse · 25-11-2010 1:13am

james.xix wrote: »

My gf seems to accept it was a bit much to ask like she did. I'll have to draw a line under it and move on. People find themselves out in different ways. We broke up before but have been grand since we got back together. Who knows in this life? There's no rules to this only what we see as right and ok for us.

My gf wants to work and earn her way in life. If I was starting a topic after our conversation tonight, it'd be if my gf needs to leave the country to work, should I follow her?

I'm happy out in the city I'm working in and am glad to have a job. Leaving this country is nothing on my horizons at the moment but one never knows. I was facing redundancy last year but was lucky enough to start a new job in a few weeks.

My gf is mulling over leaving the country anyways to find work. She wants to know if I will follow. I'm like I can't exactly up sticks and leave. She worried what it might mean for our relationship. I don't think we'll really know until we're in that position, if we are.

I told her anyways her for me to leave is near the same type of bullying in away as I would see it as looking for me to pay for the weekend away. I will not ask and dictate to her what to do. I don't expect the same to be done to me.

Have other people, not married or long-term, have OH's moved away and how has this affected their relationship?

Oh come on, you either really like this girl or you dont!! I would do anything for an OH if i had to. If i was completely in love, of course i would move. Whatever you can do in Ireland you can sure as hell do in another country. Hence i think true love doesnt come by so easily. If your not fussed, i would question your relationship. I definitely know myself after being single for ages, any guys ive met in the past i totally would have married and would have lived anywhere for. I would have up and left sticks for them!!! Thats the difference between being in love with someone, and just going out with someone for the sake of it.

beks101 · 25-11-2010 2:08am

Hey OP

Haven't read the whole thread but will just say this - if my OH planned a weekend away based on the assumption that I would fund the entire thing, because I should 'treat' him...job or no job, instinctively I would not want to pay.

Obviously hard times and whatnot, and I don't know the context of your relationship, but that just reeks of taking-your-wallet-for-granted and it would p1ss me right off too. Done she expect you to foot the bill often? Clearly she doesn't have a lot of money but her joblessness is no excuse for her expecting you to pay her way all the time - your money is your own and I'm sure you work hard for it, you and only you should decide how you part with it.

Relationships obviously require compromise and it seems to me like it's time you sat her down and had that dreaded 'money' talk, because honestly, if you really like and care for this girl, it would be ridiculous to let something so superficial come between the two of you.

james.xix · 25-11-2010 10:15am

If myself and my gf were living together it would cost us more money. It's not the reason we haven't moved in but if we did, we'll be paying more on rent and bills.

beks101 wrote: »

Hey OP

Haven't read the whole thread but will just say this - if my OH planned a weekend away based on the assumption that I would fund the entire thing, because I should 'treat' him...job or no job, instinctively I would not want to pay.

Obviously hard times and whatnot, and I don't know the context of your relationship, but that just reeks of taking-your-wallet-for-granted and it would p1ss me right off too. Done she expect you to foot the bill often? Clearly she doesn't have a lot of money but her joblessness is no excuse for her expecting you to pay her way all the time - your money is your own and I'm sure you work hard for it, you and only you should decide how you part with it.

Relationships obviously require compromise and it seems to me like it's time you sat her down and had that dreaded 'money' talk, because honestly, if you really like and care for this girl, it would be ridiculous to let something so superficial come between the two of you.

Hi beks,

My gf and I seemed to have cleared the air on the money side. Hopefully it will be the end of it and that it does not become an issue. People seem to come on different sides on this, some who split things down the middle and others who spend all.

Relationships do require compromise and now it's likely to come from where we live. I work in Ireland and am not interested in moving abroad. My gf might have to move abroad in order to get work. I'd love for her to stay but it has to be her decision at the end of the day. I don't think I should be told to move. If it was something I wanted it'd be ok but it isn't. At the end of the day, I don't want gf coming back to me in a few months saying I held her back from moving. She's got her answer from me. I want her to stay but if she wants/needs to move abroad it's her decision. I can't see myself leaving Ireland in the near future.

I hear what those are saying that they would do anything for their OH including leaving. I wouldn't agree with it though. One can equally say if they are happy somewhere why should they have to leave? If a doctor is finding it hard to get work, I'd find it even harder. I know my market and would like to move on to a new job at the same time but the jobs don't seem to be there.

*Lees* · 25-11-2010 11:10am

OP, I may be totally reading into this the wrong way but my view on all of this is that your girlfriend is testing you! Maybe not deliberately but I think she might feel like your not serious enough about her!
Expecting you to pay for a weekend away for both of you was absolutely mortifying, good on you for sticking to your guns there! Maybe she does expect to be wined and dined and given presents as treats every once in a while, maybe it's what happened in her previous relationships, but maybe the underlying issue is that she wants more of a commitment from you! You said that you told her you weren't ready to move in together, you said she took it fine but did she? really?
So, you sit down to speak with her about the issue and she swiftly changes the subject to "if i am to get work, I need to go abroad... would you be following me!?" Has she ever mentioned going abroad to work before or is this something that she sprung on you? To me it seems like she is looking for some sort of display of commitment!

james.xix · 25-11-2010 11:24am

Hi Lees,

I'm not sure if she expects to wined and dined like that. She's given no hints she's enjoyed that previously. Early enough in our relationship, I've made it clear I'm not that kind of guy. She kind of does see a guy should look after a girl on that side. I cleary come from the side men and women are equal and can look after ourselves to a degree.
You could be right re. commitment wise, it's something I've kind of being detecting myself. It's fair enough if it is that. I'm sure she needs to know where she and I stand.
She'd like us to move in. I wouldn't say she's entirely fine with it. It's clearly what she wants but I don't think it's right yet. I think everyone knows when things are right for them or not. At the moment, I don't think it is right for us but can see it happening in the not too distant future.
The issue on working abroad has been spoken of before. When I was facing redundancy she was really pushing it. I wasn't for it though. I wanted space to test the market when I was out of work and to see if anything was to come up. I was lucky to get back into employment in a few weeks and have happily have been able to stay where I'm living and work away.
She has made commitments to me I have to admit. When she lost her job, she moved home for a while. This was in a different city but after a few months she moved to where I am. I never looked for her to do that though. I always said it was her choice. Before she moved, she was applying for jobs in other cities, so work if it came up, would always have dicatated where she would have moved to. As none arose, she did move to the city I'm in.
Have others in relationships of about a year have their partners moves abroad?

Wompa1 · 25-11-2010 11:35am

james.xix wrote: »

Hi Lees,

I'm not sure if she expects to wined and dined like that. She's given no hints she's enjoyed that previously. Early enough in our relationship, I've made it clear I'm not that kind of guy. She kind of does see a guy should look after a girl on that side. I cleary come from the side men and women are equal and can look after ourselves to a degree.
You could be right re. commitment wise, it's something I've kind of being detecting myself. It's fair enough if it is that. I'm sure she needs to know where she and I stand.
She'd like us to move in. I wouldn't say she's entirely fine with it. It's clearly what she wants but I don't think it's right yet. I think everyone knows when things are right for them or not. At the moment, I don't think it is right for us but can see it happening in the not too distant future.
The issue on working abroad has been spoken of before. When I was facing redundancy she was really pushing it. I wasn't for it though. I wanted space to test the market when I was out of work and to see if anything was to come up. I was lucky to get back into employment in a few weeks and have happily have been able to stay where I'm living and work away.
She has made commitments to me I have to admit. When she lost her job, she moved home for a while. This was in a different city but after a few months she moved to where I am. I never looked for her to do that though. I always said it was her choice. Before she moved, she was applying for jobs in other cities, so work if it came up, would always have dicatated where she would have moved to. As none arose, she did move to the city I'm in.
Have others in relationships of about a year have their partners moves abroad?

I got offered a really sweet job in London. I really fretted over the decision. My girlfriend has had a really tough time of it over the last 5 years and she seemed to be making good progress. We had been seeing each other for about 15 months or so at the time.

When I talked to her about it she would just tell me to do what was right for me, or what I wanted to do. I really needed to know what she wanted. If she had said I want you to stay then I would. Eventually she did say I'd like you to stay but I don't want to hold you back. So I decided to stay for "us", her being the main catalyst in my decision but made the decision to sacrifice for our relationship.

Things have been steadily declining since. She seems to have it in her head that I resent her for it now. Which I don't, it was my decision. At this moment we have been seeing each other for 1 year and 9 months. After my decision to stay I asked if she would move in with me and she said no. She doesn't have any inkling to in the forseeable future. She has also since come out with some realy dooseys like not being sure about her sexuality, not thinking she ever wants to get married, doesn't think she could ever have kids etc.

I actually broke up with her last weekend over this and other things but she kinda completely lost it. After her crying and pleading for over an hour I said I would give her another chance...we'll see how it goes.

I don't think long distance works. I have a good few friends who tried it. Two of whom had very long relationships. One was 5 years and the other 7. Both girlfriends decided to break it off with them.

I am a friend · 25-11-2010 1:17pm

From reading through all your posts and this is not a personal attack, you seem very cold and practical towards the relationship and also not very committed. I would think these, if its evident to me, is evident to your gf and as another poster mentioned, she is testing you...

You seem to have different wants in the relationship and she seems to want to be in 100% and you seem to only want to be in as far as it suits you...

Nody · 25-11-2010 1:26pm

OP I'll be frank but I think your relationship has no future. There are multiple reasons raised such as a very different view on economy and who's to pay for things (esp. when there is a noticable income difference), difference on work location etc. In short I simply do not see the two of you working things out; you simply come over as two very different type of persons with very different expectations and while I in general hope people can overcome them the gap between you seems far to big for that to be successfull.

astra2000 · 25-11-2010 1:56pm

Hi op just wondering, if your gf was to decide to move away and you stayed behind would you want to continue the relationship long distance? As for the comments by some posters that you dont sound commited to the relationship do you believe that to be true? You sound quiet independant, and I get the impression that you dont rush into things. So even though others here may be of the opinion that this relationship isnt working it doesnt mean its not! I think the important thing is that you continue to be honest with your gf regarding how commited you feel to your relationship.
Just a curious question, have you ever been in a relationship where you have really believed you would spend the rest of your life with that person?

james.xix · 25-11-2010 2:41pm

Interesting points are raised. Kind of felt they would as well.
I am committed to our relationship. I am an independent enough person as well though. I am being honest with my gf on how I feel. She knows what I've thought on the financial side and now also on where we live and work.
I do want our relationship to continue. If she does move abroad, I'll want our relationship to continue but I am realistic enough to know things could change. We are only likely to know when we are in that situation. Some have already mentioned what has happened when people have moved or not.
My gf was asking will I jeopardise our relationship by not moving. I'm like I'm not looking to jeopardise anything. I think it can equally she's will jeopardise it if she's looking to move away.
I have been in a relationship like that astra but I've always been realistic as well.

beks101 · 25-11-2010 2:58pm

james.xix wrote: »

Hi beks,

My gf and I seemed to have cleared the air on the money side. Hopefully it will be the end of it and that it does not become an issue. People seem to come on different sides on this, some who split things down the middle and others who spend all.

Relationships do require compromise and now it's likely to come from where we live. I work in Ireland and am not interested in moving abroad. My gf might have to move abroad in order to get work. I'd love for her to stay but it has to be her decision at the end of the day. I don't think I should be told to move. If it was something I wanted it'd be ok but it isn't. At the end of the day, I don't want gf coming back to me in a few months saying I held her back from moving. She's got her answer from me. I want her to stay but if she wants/needs to move abroad it's her decision. I can't see myself leaving Ireland in the near future.

Glad you're sorted on the money front.

You're right, relationships do require compromise but this also means that sometimes you're going to have to do things that you don't want to do for the sake of your relationship. You're not single anymore so you don't get to make important life decisions without factoring in your girlfriend - that's the sacrifice you have to make if you want to stay in your relationship.

I'd be like you in that I'd be quite independent and I'd be very reluctant to leave a job/country that I love for an OH. That sort of decision would probably result in a break-up because at the moment, career is my priority and where I live is more important to me than who I end up with right now in my life, as cold-hearted as it sounds. But then my current relationship reflects that - it's casual, not long-term and I'm pretty sure my OH is on the same page.

You sound like you have the same mentality as me, but not the same type of relationship and this is where you're running into problems. As others have said, maybe your girlfriend senses where your priorities lie and she's testing you with all this stuff - first the money, now the moving-countries...to see how serious you really are.

This is a question you need to ask yourself - how serious are you about your girlfriend? How much are you willing to sacrifice to keep her? Do you see yourself with her in the long-term, or are you just with her to pass the time? If you're really serious about her and really love her, then I'm afraid you're going to have to factor her into your life and your decision-making a lot more. It's not enough to simply say 'I'm not interested in moving abroad' - if it comes to this you'll both have to sit down and each make some tough decisions on how your relationship can continue in this case. It's not a Me Versus Her scenario here as you seem to think it is, it's just the responsibility you assume when you enter into a serious, adult relationship.

Right now it's about where you live, in the future it may be about getting married, having kids, your social life, etc...you will always have to make compromises, it's just up to you to decide whether or not she's worth it. If she's not, that's OK, there's nothing wrong with that - maybe that's just your approach to relationships, maybe you don't place them high on the priority list. But it may be the root of an incompatibility issue with your girlfriend in the long run and that's something you have to think about.

astra2000 · 25-11-2010 4:44pm

james.xix wrote: »

Interesting points are raised. Kind of felt they would as well.
I am committed to our relationship. I am an independent enough person as well though. I am being honest with my gf on how I feel. She knows what I've thought on the financial side and now also on where we live and work.
I do want our relationship to continue. If she does move abroad, I'll want our relationship to continue but I am realistic enough to know things could change. We are only likely to know when we are in that situation. Some have already mentioned what has happened when people have moved or not.
My gf was asking will I jeopardise our relationship by not moving. I'm like I'm not looking to jeopardise anything. I think it can equally she's will jeopardise it if she's looking to move away.
I have been in a relationship like that astra but I've always been realistic as well.

Ok I can understand where your coming from life experience has taught you that things dont always turn out the way you plan. I think because of this maybe you are holding back a little and hanging on to your independance as much as possible. Your relationship is more, she and I as opposed to we. But to be honest a year is not that long plenty of people wouldnt be ready for commitment so soon. It does sound as though your girlfriend maybe looking for reassurance hence her asking if you were prepared to go with her.
Your relationship has honesty and I think after love that is the most important thing so it sounds good to me:)

Canluum · 25-11-2010 4:54pm

james.xix wrote: »

There's no rules to this only what we see as right and ok for us.

For interpersonal relationships, whether it be bf/gf, friends, family or even (especially?) parent and child... when it comes to money* and the purchasing power it brings there's a good rule of thumb. "You ask and you don't get". If they want to treat you let them treat you off their own bat. If they ask you "what do you want for such and such" then you can say.

(loans being an exception of course)

james.xix · 25-11-2010 6:31pm

Good points are being made about independence. At the end of the day I want my gf to be more independent as well. We did split before, I'm not going to get into it but it was down to her being moody and I what I saw as immature. Things have been ok since we got back together but I think she needs to experience more of her own independence before we might settle down together.
When we met, she was working at first but after a few month was out of a job. When she was out of a job we've seen more of each other and probably gave us more time to be with each other at that time. I don't think my gf is in a good place at the moment with the job situation. This is kind of part of the reason I haven't moved in either. Circumstances can change things in relationships. Even if she was to move back to her city for work if she got a job, it would be a change and affect her view on things. It happens with other little things we do. I tend to look at the practical side at times. Moving in at the moment or moving abroad doesn't seem right for me.

curlzy · 25-11-2010 7:22pm

astra2000 wrote: »

Well it depends imo. How serious are ye about each other, have ye been together long, do ye live together? my self and my husband moved intogether quiet young and from that time we combined our money and every thing goes into/comes out of the one pot. This has always worked for us.

+ 1. My relationship works this way too. I earn a bit more than my bf but sure who's counting, what's mine is his and what's his is mine.

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