Libido issue

dibi

hi..wasnt sure if i should start a new thread with my problem or if it's allowed to ask for advice with these kinda problems but anyway i'll give it a go

i dunno if i just want sex too much or my boyfriend doesnt either way i feel it's seriously lacking these days...we do have sex but i seem to want it a lot more than him..i expect it every night and i get so frustrated when he brushes me off with excuses like he's tired or whatever. i feel like i give him everything in that department but he gives nothing back. we only have sex when it suits him but it seems to never occur to him to try to please me now and again

i dunno if my libido is through the roof at the minute or he's just being selfish. i tried to talk to him about it last night when he denied me for the 3rd night in a row, he got offended and is currently giving me the silent treatment.

so frustrated..but maybe i'm being stupid?

28064212

dibi wrote: »

hi..wasnt sure if i should start a new thread with my problem or if it's allowed to ask for advice with these kinda problems but anyway i'll give it a go

i dunno if i just want sex too much or my boyfriend doesnt either way i feel it's seriously lacking these days...we do have sex but i seem to want it a lot more than him..i expect it every night and i get so frustrated when he brushes me off with excuses like he's tired or whatever. i feel like i give him everything in that department but he gives nothing back. we only have sex when it suits him but it seems to never occur to him to try to please me now and again

i dunno if my libido is through the roof at the minute or he's just being selfish. i tried to talk to him about it last night when he denied me for the 3rd night in a row, he got offended and is currently giving me the silent treatment.

so frustrated..but maybe i'm being stupid?

You could just have naturally differing sex-drive levels. Generally speaking, it's not a solid base to have in a relationship. If he's not willing to work at it, you have to decide whether the relationship is really worth it when you're unlikely to have a satisfying sex-life.

Oh, and the silent treatment is something a child does. If nothing else, tell him to grow up on that aspect alone

dibi

28064212 wrote: »

You could just have naturally differing sex-drive levels. Generally speaking, it's not a solid base to have in a relationship. If he's not willing to work at it, you have to decide whether the relationship is really worth it when you're unlikely to have a satisfying sex-life.

Oh, and the silent treatment is something a child does. If nothing else, tell him to grow up on that aspect alone

trust me i've tried and he doesnt like that! he tends to get offended when i wanna discuss things rather than chat rationally with me...the majority of the time there isnt any problems..i love him, he's great don't get me wrong.. but the sex thing..i've often thought is not being completely satisfied really a considerable reason to end a relationship? i haven't seriously considered, in the light of day, ending things with him but when i'm in that frustrated mode, when he turns around and goes to sleep when i'm expecting sex, all i can think of is ending it with him..but by the next morning i'm over it and feel i was being stupid about the whole thing..that my sexual needs got the better of me...

i mean we do have sex..4/5 times a week on average..but it doesnt seem to be enough for me..but am i asking too much? it would seem silly to break up because he wouldnt have sex with me twice a day 7 days a week..ya know? we're both busy with college and jobs but i think sex is like eating dinner..i mean you're gonna make time for both cause they're necessary for well being..blah i dunno. he makes me feel like it's not important but if it frustrates me so much it has to be important doesn it?

rambling sorry.

28064212

dibi wrote: »

trust me i've tried and he doesnt like that! he tends to get offended when i wanna discuss things rather than chat rationally with me...the majority of the time there isnt any problems..

Tbh, I'd be more worried about his complete inability to communicate when there's an issue that needs to be talked about. It's easy to be open when everything's great.

dibi wrote: »

i love him, he's great don't get me wrong.. but the sex thing..i've often thought is not being completely satisfied really a considerable reason to end a relationship?

Absolutely. Whether the satisfaction is about sex or anything else. The question you have to ask yourself is whether the other positives out-weigh the negatives. People tend to see other people who end relationships based on the sexual side as shallow, but a fulfilling sex-life is hugely important.

dibi wrote: »

i mean we do have sex..4/5 times a week on average..but it doesnt seem to be enough for me..but am i asking too much? it would seem silly to break up because he wouldnt have sex with me twice a day 7 days a week..ya know? we're both busy with college and jobs but i think sex is like eating dinner..i mean you're gonna make time for both cause they're necessary for well being..blah i dunno. he makes me feel like it's not important but if it frustrates me so much it has to be important doesn it?

rambling sorry.

If it's important to you, it should be important to him. 4/5 times a week is way too high for some people. For others, 14 times a week isn't enough. We all have a sex-drive that controls how often we want it. We also have tolerances that say how far away from that number we'd be ok with. Our tolerances increase with people that are important to us. I have a very high sex-drive myself, but with the right woman, I'd live with twice or three times a week, if I had to.

For example, say your sex-drive level is an 8 (on a 1-10 scale). With him, you might be willing to go to a 6. But that's not much good if he's a 4 and won't stretch past 5. You will always be unhappy with your sex-life in that situation

Ickle Magoo

dibi, given you your own thread so the thread started by the other poster is left for advice relevant to them only.

Cheers

Ickle

Pebbles!

dibi wrote: »

hi..wasnt sure if i should start a new thread with my problem or if it's allowed to ask for advice with these kinda problems but anyway i'll give it a go

i dunno if i just want sex too much or my boyfriend doesnt either way i feel it's seriously lacking these days...we do have sex but i seem to want it a lot more than him..i expect it every night and i get so frustrated when he brushes me off with excuses like he's tired or whatever. i feel like i give him everything in that department but he gives nothing back. we only have sex when it suits him but it seems to never occur to him to try to please me now and again

i dunno if my libido is through the roof at the minute or he's just being selfish. i tried to talk to him about it last night when he denied me for the 3rd night in a row, he got offended and is currently giving me the silent treatment.

so frustrated..but maybe i'm being stupid?

OP I was int The exact same position as you with my previous boyfriend. Everything you said is exactly how I felt...I wanted it more, felt so annoyed that night but would be grand in the morning, it was when he wanted it. I genuinely felt hurt and unwanted that he wasn't as attracted to me anymore, I couldn't understand it. Eventually I got so frustrated that I asked him straight out if he was bored with me? He completed reassured me that he wasn't but he would actually be tired and just not want to have sex. He also explained to me how he was in a long term relationship where he RARELY got sex so I could understand that this would have an effect on him.

After awhile we brought up the subject of sex and what we liked and didn't like...and man did this open up a whole new world for both of us. Once you get over the initial awkwardness of broaching the subject with out anybody getting offended it was great. A sex life became so much better.

My advice...try talk to him again..spice it up from time to time! Don't just keep it confinded to the bedroom, that can just get mundane for anybody!

dibi

Pebbles! wrote: »

OP I was int The exact same position as you with my previous boyfriend. Everything you said is exactly how I felt...I wanted it more, felt so annoyed that night but would be grand in the morning, it was when he wanted it. I genuinely felt hurt and unwanted that he wasn't as attracted to me anymore, I couldn't understand it. Eventually I got so frustrated that I asked him straight out if he was bored with me? He completed reassured me that he wasn't but he would actually be tired and just not want to have sex. He also explained to me how he was in a long term relationship where he RARELY got sex so I could understand that this would have an effect on him.

After awhile we brought up the subject of sex and what we liked and didn't like...and man did this open up a whole new world for both of us. Once you get over the initial awkwardness of broaching the subject with out anybody getting offended it was great. A sex life became so much better.

My advice...try talk to him again..spice it up from time to time! Don't just keep it confinded to the bedroom, that can just get mundane for anybody!

relieving to know others have had the same problem

i'm always spicing it up..i mean we have a laugh when we do have sex, it's all lovey and whatever, it can be really enjoyable and i definitely feel loved but its those nights, many nights, that i'm expecting it and he's too tired, like you said, i feel hurt and unwanted..but its not that he's not attracted to me..he's sweet and he tells me everyday that i'm beautiful and he's a lucky guy (uck i know, just gettin point across) so i do feel loved 90% of the time...but yea i think you're right if i bring it up tonight on a brighter note..try and talk about it light heartedly? but i know he's just gonna say that he's genuinely tired.

i actually told him last night about how i go to sleep frustrated and that it's on my mind when i go into college the next day..distracts me from studying (like right now) and he couldn't believe it was bothering me that much..cause as far as he's concerned we have a healthy sex life. how do i make him want to have sex with me more? starve him of it for a while? then i lose out y'know?

sometimes i think i'm too needy..and that me taking offense cause he's too tired is irrational...i should just be cool with him being tired and leave it.

dibi

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

dibi, given you your own thread so the thread started by the other poster is left for advice relevant to them only.

Cheers

Ickle

my own thread..cool.. sorry for gatecrashing the other one

LegacyUser

Hi OP
being a male i have to say i have the high sex drive in my relationship, Its through the roof and has been for years. Again like your self trying to make advances and the wife saying she is tired is sometimes hurtful to myself and i feel rejected.

after a fight just this past weekend she has admitted that while she is tired that she needs to work a little harder in the bedroom dept, while i have admitted i do have a rather high sex drive and might want sex more now than i did when i was 18(36 now).

It was even hinted that i might speak with someone to see why my drive is so high but i dont think i have to. i think my sex drive is normal for my age but not knowing enough men friends to speak with i dont chat about this so often.

I just spend most days a week feeling very horny/frustrated as myself and the wife on a good week have sex 3 times on a poor run it can be two weeks which is torture.

in jest she also suggested a lover for me. As i say many a true word spoken in jest!!!!!

Pebbles!

well if you've tried spicing it up and you've told him exactly how frustrated you are getting and you still aren't getting it anymore I don't think there is much else you can do. If he does have a high sex drive and is tired you can't exactly force him into it. He should try and make a bit more of an effort thou cause it is genuinely really getting to you, but if it's still not enough you will have to find other ways to relieve your tension!

Canluum

It's somewhat comforting (not at all to belittle your problem OP!) to see that this isn't a gender specific issue and women experience this issue just as strongly as men.

dibi wrote: »

i dunno if i just want sex too much

For the love of god don't say such things... women are sexually suppressed enough as it is.

i dunno if my libido is through the roof at the minute or he's just being selfish.

Healthy libido is healthy. The latter, though he may not be fully aware of it.

so frustrated..but maybe i'm being stupid?

Anything but, it's a very legitimate concern.

we only have sex when it suits him but it seems to never occur to him to try to please me now and again

Yes he's being incredibly selfish.

i tried to talk to him about it last night when he denied me for the 3rd night in a row, he got offended and is currently giving me the silent treatment.

Natural reaction to get defensive, especially since it's a delicate issue for men's masculinity.
There are ways and means to approach this sensitively. Calmly try this sentence: "When you (insert specific behavior here), I feel (hurt/unappreciated/whatever you are feeling). I need for you to (specific behavior you'd like from him)." It's hard to argue with a feeling. For more check out http://www.compassioncoach.com/how_and_when_to_use_i_statements
It's a good way to communicate without arguing. If he cares for you and wants to really make this relationship work he'll compromise on his selfish behaviour and become more agreeable on this issue.

If he only makes lipservice and continues to utterly disregard your relationship needs then... as Dan Savage says: DTMFA (dump that mother-****er already).


EDIT: I'm recycling some of the best advice I've ever read on the internet. So I thought I'd post its source: http://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/e55xz/seems_a_lot_of_us_girls_have_this_issue_heres/
OP very much worth a read. Written by a girl in a similar situation as yourself and details excellently how she got around it. Not gender specific I believe and a really good read for anyone in a relationship too.

LegacyUser

"i expect it every night and i get so frustrated when he brushes me off"

Have to say that expecting it every night may be a little much, how about a compromise of every second night.
I would get annoyed very quickly if I was in a routine of sex, I prefer it to be spontaneous and sporadic.

G-Money

I agree that expecting it every night might be a bit much OP, do you really need it that often?

I have to admit I'd be curious as to the replies if a guy came on here basically saying he wanted sex with his gf every night. I suspect the reaction may be different...

Canluum

grandmaster wrote: »

I agree that expecting it every night might be a bit much OP, do you really need it that often?

There's a difference between wanting and needing. If she was getting it every second day and he was a giving lover I doubt she'd even consider posting here. Also applying your own standard on someone else (who you're not in a relationship with) is a little pointless and needlessly shaming/judgemental. For some couples 2-3 times a day is normal, for others it's as little as twice a month. I know some people who wouldn't even consider the latter a relationship. It's all subjective. Women experience enough sexual suppression at the hands of society. For gods sake many don't even know how to get themselves off.

Anyway the issue is they have mismatched sex-drives, and when they do have sex she's not satisfied. Her relationship needs are not being met, it sounds like not even close. It is pretty a legitimate concern.

grandmaster wrote: »

I have to admit I'd be curious as to the replies if a guy came on here basically saying he wanted sex with his gf every night. I suspect the reaction may be different...

Men tend not to post (here at least) about on this topic perhaps because they expect/accept it more, or perhaps they fear the very reaction you are predicting. I can assure you I would not reply any differently.

mercer

do you expect sex from him every night? without being harsh, he is not a robot. no one is and no one should be expected to perform every night against their own will.

he probably is tired and just wants some space. maybe you could work on being close with one another without having sex, there may come a day in the future when he cannot have sex due to an illness - and what would happen then?

i agree with the above post about liking sex when its spontaneous. if you expect sex every night you're probably gonna end up just going through the motions.

Zen65

dibi wrote: »

i mean we do have sex..4/5 times a week on average..but it doesnt seem to be enough for me..but am i asking too much?

I don't know what the "average" or "norm" for people your age in a relationship is, but finding a compromise is always best, assuming there are not other issues at play in the relationship which are causing you problems.

If he cannot rise to your requests, would you be happier if you used a sex toy on the nights that he wanted to rest? Would he be OK with that?


Be at peace,

Z

CdeC

Canluum wrote: »

Also applying your own standard on someone else (who you're not in a relationship with) is a little pointless and needlessly shaming/judgemental. For some couples 2-3 times a day is normal, for others it's as little as twice a month. I know some people who wouldn't even consider the latter a relationship. It's all subjective. Women experience enough sexual suppression at the hands of society. For gods sake many don't even know how to get themselves off.

Hi Canluum,
It's not about applying standards, it is about giving people opinions and other perspectives. Sex for any relationship is one of the make or breaks. To expect it every night , to me, seems a bit much. If he wants it 3 times a week should he force himself to have sex when he doesn't want it.???

You mention mis-matched sex drives but every coupling is going to deliver mismatches in many areas including sex. What is then needed is compromise. I am not saying the OP should settle for an unsatisfying sex life but surely she can compromise, as can he, to some mutual satisfaction.

You mention Women experiencing sexual supression but men also have to deal with a complete societal ignorance of male sexuality. That we are all sex mad machines that have an on/off switch which can be flipped at any stage.