Girlfriend attacks me

ire2010

Help. I'm lost and don't know what to do.

I've been going out with this girl for 8months, and she is very aggressive, controlling, and violent it has been bruising before on my arms and nothing too serious, she always use to calm down afterwards, cry hysterically and beg for forgiveness.

I told her to go Doc, she did. She has been put on anti-depressants and uppers to but they don't seem to be working.

She has tried choking me with my seatbelt in my car, tried jumping out of my car at 60mph and today took the biscuit. She got into my car tried to twist my ear off and began punching me in my head. She hit me a good 8 times full wack with both fists to my head, and I mean serious blows. I tried to hold her fist she dug her nails in and scratched my hands deeply and made them bleed. I had no option but to pull her head down and remove myself from the car.
She then cried hysterically saying its my fault, I made her do it etc etc.

I am not looking for sympathy on the above but I see alot of the Fair city story line in my life. ITs so bad I feel uncomfortable watching it on TV and have to leave the room.
Alot of people laugh at the situation on Fair City, I don't I can relate to it exactly.

She sees I am different, women look at me. I am confident but loyal. Not good enough she tries to cut me down everyway possible. Even down to the size of my "man-hood".

its not good... My problem is I don't know how to leave. For some reason I feel to blame, I feel like I'm letting her down cause she is in need of help, and I feel like I can't leave, that I love her too much.

Help me please. Its not so easy to walk away, I do love her. ;(

seenitall

For heaven's sake man, GET OUT of that relationship NOW, before someone gets seriously hurt. Don't talk about love, there is no love in evidence here, just abuse and self-abuse of staying in a physically and mentally abusive relationship.

She is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to deal with. Gather up any self respect you have left and walk. Do it now.

Don't be sorry, be safe.

cafecolour

If it's this bad after 8 months it's going to get dramatically worse, she's going to eradicate your self-esteem and isolate you.

Consider it an addiction, and you need to cut it completely. Leave now, and cut all contact.

You could contact www.amen.ie for more advice.

FoxT

ire2010, you cannot stay. You must leave before you get hurt further. There is no possible future in this relationship for either of you. Look down the track - what happens if you have children together? Get out now before it gets worse.

Blatter

I'm just thinking what advice would be given if it was your gf on here and asking for advice about you abusing her..

It would be ''leave him and report him to the relevant authorities to ensure another women dosen't have to suffer''

So, that's the exact advice I'm gonna give you now, leave her and report her so she dosen't make some other guy's life living hell.

Overheal

You know what I do when my dog tries to attack my neihgbors dog? I seperate them.

Get out of that relationship.

finbarrk

Time to go, because it's worse it will get. And if you leave it longer the break up will be more difficult.

Cheap Thrills!

Look, I've been in an abusive relationship years ago. I'll give you one piece of advice I wish I had known.

The person will use your pity and sense of responsibility to make you stay.

As much as I came to hate my controlling, abusive ex he was very manipulative and I almost felt I had stockholm syndrome. The person makes you feel pity for them. They are so damaged and dependant on you.

You have to get out. She wont change, in fact she is so bad this girl could kill you. I'm not exaggerating.

I got out and my only regret was wasting time and not doing it sooner.

Contact www.amen.ie

That_Guy

You owe it to yourself to get out of that relationship now OP. Don't look back, move on.

Miss Fluff

I think the Fair City storyline you refer to is excellent insofar as it has brought domestic violence (where the woman is the perpetrator) to the fore. It's a subject rarely discussed or else laughed at and not taken seriously when it is in fact something to be taken very seriously.

You are the victim of abuse and if she is being this violent eight months in then I'd hate to see how bad it can really get. If you stay with her any longer she will destroy you and regardless of how she tries to manipulate you and make herself out to be the victim, a. she is not your responsibility and b. you shouldn't put up with it. If she really loved you she wouldn't want to hurt you. Walk away.

S23

It's very simple, as another poster said, because all you have to do is turn the tables.

If I came on here saying I'd been violent with my OH for 8 months. I'd caused her bruising on her arms but nothing too serious. But yesterday I tried to choke her with her seatbelt then punched her 8 times in the head before digging my nails into her and making her bleed what do you think people would say?

There is no great mystery to this. Just because the woman is the one who is being abusive doesn't change a single thing.

Get out of the relationship and do it quickly.

LighterGuy

I dont mean to be harsh op, just being frank.
Your gf is bad news. The words crazy and bit*h can be used.


You have to man up.
And I dont necessarily mean being physical with her. You just have to stand up and tell her to get lost.
Both men and women have to assert themselves in relationships. If you do not certain partners will take advantage and even dominate you.

Remember you are a man. As a man you dont have to be hard or anything but you have to be able to stand your ground. Heck, the same could be said even for a woman. Remember you are only with her 8 months. Its not like you are with her years and this happened.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Perhaps some day she attacks you there'l be a knife within her reach. Or she doesn't know her own strength and goes too far.

If she's reckless enough to jump out of a car at 60mph she's reckless enough to pickup a weapon. Report her to the police. With the fair city episode they'll be seeing a spike of reports and will have people trained to deal with it.

Go to a doctor first to record your injuries and ask him/her for advice.

Nevyn

I know you love her but, there comes time when we can't help those we love and while they are dealing with things and lashing out we have to put in place the life guard rule and remove ourselves from the line of fire.

When we accept this sort of behavior we singal to the other person that what they are doing is ok, and it's not.

Let her sort her self out and when she can be around you and not abuse you see about rebuiling.

LighterGuy

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Perhaps some day she attacks you there'l be a knife within her reach. Or she doesn't know her own strength and goes too far.

Its certain that it'll get worse the longer it goes on. Grabbing certain objects such as a knife (etc) is likely.

LegacyUser

As above posters have said the Fair City storyline is practiculary apt. The longer this goes on, the worse its going to get. You need to leave her, as much for her own sake as well as yours. How could someone who loves you attack you? More so, why, as a human being, should you have to put up with being treated like crap when you deserve so much better? You say she's taking meds and slightly depressed - that doesn't excuse her from knowing whats right and wrong.

Abuse of any kinds is simply unacceptable, A woman attacking a man is equally as despicable as a man attacking a woman. Physical AND mental abuse. Its just not on.

Please, please leave her mate. There is no basis for a relationship thats not built on trust and mutual respect. As much as you love her its only going to get worse.

Leave. She is hurting you physically and destroying you emotionally. She is attacking you. You know it's wrong.

amdublin

Please leave her. For your own sake - for your safety and sanity please leave asap.

Please contact www.amen.ie

Best of luck to you

ire2010

Oh my god. Thank you all for the replies! it really makes me feel appreciated that so many strangers who don't even know me are willing to take time to write a reply and give me advice. All your advice is so warming and helpful and for that I thank you.

I was a bit afraid writing such a post on a public forum as for me being male I was expecting a bit of verbal abuse from people who see that I should be able to defend myself and hit her back. I am well capable to defend myself, but I am not a violent person in general and would never hit a woman. I have restrained her, and as said she is apologetic afterwards swearing it will never happen again etc but it keeps creeping up.

I do know what I need to do now, but yes she has literially destroyed me. I know alot of people cannot believe how its possible, but I must admit seeing Damien on FairCity makes me teary I feel for him (even though its just a character) it does indeed hit a sore point my life. I can see how he continues to take it, and even gave out to his brother blaming him for destroying everything

My confidence is shot, I am in bits. I hope I don't bore you all with the details but due to current financial situation I have moved back in with the folks, my own mother saw me a empty shell when I returned yesterday, saw my hand torn to bits, ear torn and burning red. She just asked me what the hell happened, and I broke down. I know it sounds pathetic but I am destroyed inside.

I woke today and I know you are all going to smack your foreheads in discust but I felt... guilty.... I felt that I over-reacted, she was just a woman, she didn't mean it. She is down, She will change. I am a man I should be able to take it. I wish I didn't break down, it could of all been swept under the carpet.

I am lost.. I am a fish out of water at the moment living away from friends due to unemployment and residing with my folks so have no outside contact to help me through this..

I appreciate people here talking to me and taking the time to write comments, I feel like I'm venting my hurt, and people are listening. For that I thank you sincerely.

At the moment I am sick with guilt. I wish it never happened, I wish I did things differently, approached the situation before and after differently.

ire2010

Again, thank you for all your replies.. Very much appreciated.

metrovelvet

ire2010 wrote: »

Oh my god. Thank you all for the replies! it really makes me feel appreciated that so many strangers who don't even know me are willing to take time to write a reply and give me advice. All your advice is so warming and helpful and for that I thank you.

I was a bit afraid writing such a post on a public forum as for me being male I was expecting a bit of verbal abuse from people who see that I should be able to defend myself and hit her back. I am well capable to defend myself, but I am not a violent person in general and would never hit a woman. I have restrained her, and as said she is apologetic afterwards swearing it will never happen again etc but it keeps creeping up.

I do know what I need to do now, but yes she has literially destroyed me. I know alot of people cannot believe how its possible, but I must admit seeing Damien on FairCity makes me teary I feel for him (even though its just a character) it does indeed hit a sore point my life. I can see how he continues to take it, and even gave out to his brother blaming him for destroying everything

My confidence is shot, I am in bits. I hope I don't bore you all with the details but due to current financial situation I have moved back in with the folks, my own mother saw me a empty shell when I returned yesterday, saw my hand torn to bits, ear torn and burning red. She just asked me what the hell happened, and I broke down. I know it sounds pathetic but I am destroyed inside.

I woke today and I know you are all going to smack your foreheads in discust but I felt... guilty.... I felt that I over-reacted, she was just a woman, she didn't mean it. She is down, She will change. I am a man I should be able to take it. I wish I didn't break down, it could of all been swept under the carpet.

I am lost.. I am a fish out of water at the moment living away from friends due to unemployment and residing with my folks so have no outside contact to help me through this..

I appreciate people here talking to me and taking the time to write comments, I feel like I'm venting my hurt, and people are listening. For that I thank you sincerely.

At the moment I am sick with guilt. I wish it never happened, I wish I did things differently, approached the situation before and after differently.

Look, you have to start thinking straight. You are in a situation where you are not living with her so there is no risk of homelessness or losing a home. You also dont have children with her. You have to look at the many ways in which you are free. Many, men and women are not so fortunate.

You can build a life from within your family's home. You can seek outside support. Try not to isolate yourself. I know this is hard when in the pits of it but try.

All you have to do is walk away. No explanations nothing. Thats it.

cafecolour

ire2010 wrote: »

I woke today and I know you are all going to smack your foreheads in discust but I felt... guilty.... I felt that I over-reacted, she was just a woman, she didn't mean it. She is down, She will change. I am a man I should be able to take it. I wish I didn't break down, it could of all been swept under the carpet.

...

At the moment I am sick with guilt. I wish it never happened, I wish I did things differently, approached the situation before and after differently.

Good for you for getting out. Stay out.

Now you're feeling guilty about the situation and feeling guilty about feeling guilty. The feelings of guilt are normal, but try and acknowledge there was nothing you could do - she's not going to change, and she's crazy.

You are going to feel down now, it's normal. Just don't give in and have any contact with her. Focus on moving and restoring your life. Contact a support group if necessary.

sam34

ire2010 wrote: »

I woke today and I know you are all going to smack your foreheads in discust but I felt... guilty.... I felt that I over-reacted, she was just a woman, she didn't mean it. She is down, She will change. I am a man I should be able to take it. I wish I didn't break down, it could of all been swept under the carpet

OP, i hope you can take a step back and look at that post and see by it how well you have been manipulated and controlled by her.

the reality is:

you are not over-reacting
she did mean it, she is doing it because she can
being a woman is not an excuse or justification
you being a man does not make it acceptable
her being "down" is not an excuse
she will not change
she will do it again
she will continue to make you feel guilty


people like her prey on people like you, who (through no fault of your own) are malleable in some way - they gradually and insidiously become so controlling that you dont realise it until it gets to a stage like this.

then you are given the guilt-trip of excuses - she is down/depressed/afraid/has issues/will kill herself if you leave etc etc etc

OP - well done on leaving. you now need to do two things:
1. stay away. do not take her back. she may well threaten suicide - if she does, this is neither your problem nor your responsibility. alert her family if you wish, but leave it at that. if you give into that manipulation now, you will be giving into it for the rest of your life

2. you need to report her to the Gardai. she should face the full rigors of the law and deal with the consequences of her behaviour.


best of luck OP, hope all works out welll for you.

star-pants

metrovelvet wrote: »

Look, you have to start thinking straight. You are in a situation where you are not living with her so there is no risk of homelessness or losing a home. You also dont have children with her. You have to look at the many ways in which you are free. Many, men and women are not so fortunate.

You can build a life from within your family's home. You can seek outside support. Try not to isolate yourself. I know this is hard when in the pits of it but try.

All you have to do is walk away. No explanations nothing. Thats it.

+1 completely!

Don't - DON'T blame yourself or think you over reacted. You did no such thing.
She over reacted, every single time she lost it with you. It's her who is the problem & you cannot change that. You cannot change her, and you cannot help her. She needs to seek help herself. What she has done is disgraceful.
As many have said, you need to get away from her (which you have, you've gone home).

Don't feel bad, and don't feel like you've not done something, you did fantastic, you never raised your hand back to her (which a lot would find hard to do when someone physically attacks you) and you kept your calm.

Now you need to concentrate on you, rebuilding your character and getting on with things. Men or women, it's soul destroying and can make you feel worthless when someone wears you down like that. But remember your worth so much more, and you will feel strong again. I'm glad you have family you can stay with, and don't feel guilty over anything, over her or over talking to family/friends and getting support. As you know there is always this forum to seek support in too and many other places people have mentioned.

You can and will get past this, and you'll get things back on track.

Zen65

ire2010 wrote: »

I was a bit afraid writing such a post on a public forum as for me being male I was expecting a bit of verbal abuse from people who see that I should be able to defend myself and hit her back. I am well capable to defend myself, but I am not a violent person in general and would never hit a woman.

OP, in this country you cannot really defend yourself. If you hit back, and she goes to to the Gardaí to make a complaint, there isn't jury in Ireland that will see you as the victim. That's one reason why violence by women against men is so difficult to cope with.

You should get out now. Make sure you go to a solicitor and make an affidavit giving an account of the violence, because if at any stage in the future she makes an accusation against you, you'll find it hard to defend yourself.


Be at peace,

Z

common sense brigade

please please leave her. this woman will kill you. its that serious. imagine she gets pregnant, what a hellish life your children will endure. this is not your fault. she has eroded your self esteem to the point you cannot see that you are worth so much more. she has mental issues but they are her issues and problems not yours. you need to leave her. if you leave her hopefully she will take it on herself to get the help she needs. but you need to cut all ties. and break up with her in a public place or have a friend of hers ready to eneter the room so you can go and get away from her manipulating ways quickly. pm me if you need to talk ever. in the meantime be careful with your phone and internet use as i bet she is tracking your every move. She is a rare example of a messed up woman. Most women are kind and loving. Your not in a normal relationship and do not let her convince you its normal cos it is not. I was in a violent realtionship for 8 years. It was along time ago and I thought it was me. I was unloveable, irritating. but he was the one with the problem. when i left him he went on to hit his next girlfriend too. now im married. my husband has a temper like most people do at times but he wouldnt lay a finger on me or harm a hair on my head. arguing is normal. physical abuse is not.

curlzy

ire2010 wrote: »

My confidence is shot, I am in bits. I hope I don't bore you all with the details but due to current financial situation I have moved back in with the folks, my own mother saw me a empty shell when I returned yesterday, saw my hand torn to bits, ear torn and burning red. She just asked me what the hell happened, and I broke down. I know it sounds pathetic but I am destroyed inside.

At the moment I am sick with guilt. I wish it never happened, I wish I did things differently, approached the situation before and after differently.

Oh God OP, read your own words back, can you not see how she's torn you down??? This is not your fault, there's no possible scenario in which this can be your fault, what she's doing is NEVER justified. Please don't feel like less of a man because this is happening to you, you're not. Please please please get out now before she gets herself pregnant to trap you because if she does that you'll never get away. Please look after yourself and get out!!!! Go to www.amen.ie and get some support. And remember this ISN'T YOUR FAULT!!!!! I'm really hoping and praying that you get some support and get away from this nightmare, you'll feel so much better when you do. She's made you feel responsible for you but I promise you, you are not and this is NOT YOUR FAULT. You think you're save enough because she's a woman but what happens OP, if this escalates and she comes at you with a knife??? She's dangerous and not good for you. Please leave her OP, and please come back and let us know how you are. No matter what happens you can always come back here to talk, you're not alone and people here will always give you an ear to listen.

wasper

ire2010 wrote: »

Help. I'm lost and don't know what to do.

I've been going out with this girl for 8months, and she is very aggressive, controlling, and violent it has been bruising before on my arms and nothing too serious, she always use to calm down afterwards, cry hysterically and beg for forgiveness.

I told her to go Doc, she did. She has been put on anti-depressants and uppers to but they don't seem to be working.

She has tried choking me with my seatbelt in my car, tried jumping out of my car at 60mph and today took the biscuit. She got into my car tried to twist my ear off and began punching me in my head. She hit me a good 8 times full wack with both fists to my head, and I mean serious blows. I tried to hold her fist she dug her nails in and scratched my hands deeply and made them bleed. I had no option but to pull her head down and remove myself from the car.
She then cried hysterically saying its my fault, I made her do it etc etc.

I am not looking for sympathy on the above but I see alot of the Fair city story line in my life. ITs so bad I feel uncomfortable watching it on TV and have to leave the room.
Alot of people laugh at the situation on Fair City, I don't I can relate to it exactly.

She sees I am different, women look at me. I am confident but loyal. Not good enough she tries to cut me down everyway possible. Even down to the size of my "man-hood".

its not good... My problem is I don't know how to leave. For some reason I feel to blame, I feel like I'm letting her down cause she is in need of help, and I feel like I can't leave, that I love her too much.

Help me please. Its not so easy to walk away, I do love her. ;(

When you say you love her, what exactly she possess in good quality? She is violent, in denial & it's getting worse. Will we hear in the news a woman has stabbed a man in a rage. Because this is a natural regression.

smurf311

I wouldn't give her a lift anymore

LegacyUser

GET OUT Man, she's out of control and its only going to end in tears or one of you getting seriously hurt

LegacyUser

Op, I'm going to be tough and tell you to think objectively for a second...........

I am a 26 year old woman. If you had been on here and seen a post I wrote about how my partner grabbed me so hard he caused bruising, tried to choke me with a seat belt, scraped me so deeply he drew actual blood - what would you think, what would you say to me? Would you tell me that it was just in the heat of the moment and leaving him would be an over reaction?......

Her behaviour is not normal. Regardless of her issues, dealing with them like this towards anybody is not ok and no-one in their right mind would expect someone to stay in a situation like that. I know that it's all very easy for me to type this when it's not me dealing with the abuse and aftermath but trust me, nobody...and I mean nobody...deserves that.

What you said about you being a man and possibly being able to stop what was happening - that is a bull**** stereotype imo. You may be a man but first and foremost you are a person and the fact that she is female does not make her actions towards you any more acceptable.
It really is an awful head space for you. I hope things improve for you a bit now that you've moved.

whatsamsn

The words Ol' Targer come to mind.

You sound like a decent, but soft bloke.
You have to harden up a bit. Because in life we will enounter people who will use and abuse us. She is one. In fact, she is an extreme one.

Sadly if you dont overcome the problem of her. You will always encounter more of the same crap in life. Even in other areas beyond relationships.

anewme

I was in a violent relationship (am a woman) 10 years ago (for a long time) We lived together, had a lovely house, good jobs, no money issues. Occassionally rows would flare up with me getting pushed or choked(!)

A huge row happened one Saturday morning over nothing in me, resulted in the television being broken and me being choked. It was a bad incident and tempers were very bad. Can still picture me doing this - put the dog on the lead and walked out, never to return. Thinking of this now makes me teary, I can still picture myself, what I was wearing, with the dog walking past all the houses, home to my mum's. That picture will be ingrained in my head forever.

Fast forward 10 years later, I have a good job, my own lovely house, good job, no money issues and am happy as I am. The one downside is that I am not in a proper relationship because I do not trust people, because although I know that not everyone is like that, I really dont want any hassle.

You are only with her 8 months - I was in my relationship for over 10 years. I am sorry I did not leave sooner with the smaller incidents, perhaps it might have been easier then to get back into life and love.

Anyway, I am who I am and am relatively happy. People say to me - God how is someone like you single, but I am where I am. Good Luck with it.

Incidently, my redemption came because I stopped keeping the secret!

Ickle Magoo

Smurf311 infracted.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP.
Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.
Ickle

so sorry op what a horrible situation to endure but take every day as it comes and please remember someone who can choke you scratch you hurt you does not love you !

that is not love !

foxinsox

Hi op,

Reading your post sounded nearly word for word what I would have written about ten years ago when I was in a similar position.

My ex-boyfriend used to be like that to me, he was abusive to me.

When you are in it, it is hard to see how damaging it is to yourself.

There is so much "drama" that you go from one "drama" to the next without really realising or understanding what is happening.

Your lines about your confidence being shot and you are in bits brought it all back to me..

I can promise you that you will become yourself again and your confidence will be back.

But please do not go back to her, I know your heart is probably aching and it is really really hard.
You really need to listen and act on the advice given to you here.

Please see www.amen.ie and maybe arrange to talk to someone specifically trained in this area.

Keep yourself active, even if it's half hour walk each day, try and catch up with friends.

People do care and are there to help.
I feel for you and hope it gets easier soon.

Here's a big hug from a random aul one on the internet.

ire2010

Thank you all for the support.

Just a little update. I found out that after the original incident happened (last Saturday) she went out clubbing less than 2 hours later!! Laughing and living it up!!! I could not believe this! I felt sick. I was at home upset, empty and trying to figure out what happened, and it turns out she was out clubbing and drinking herself silly.

I have no idea how anyone MAN OR WOMAN can go through such a traumatic event and then just get dressed and go out like nothing happened!!!

I'm still finding it very hard.. I know alot of people do think (as I would myself) that the signs are there she was abusing you LEAVE. But honestly its not that easy. I find myself feeling like I'm being punished its as if I've done something wrong and I don't know what.

Again thak you all for the support and the very understanding responses.

I do use this thread to re-read and reassure me that I'm doing the right thing.. Even though it seems so wrong..

Ps.. Also just to mention I am quite shy to new people, I don't sleep around, kiss women on nights out or date that often. I think thats why its also hitting me hard., She is just so nice when she's not mad... Its unbelievable how someone can be so nice one minute and then completely different the next.

Nevyn

Really being sorry means you don't do again the things which hurt and upest the people you care about.

Don't be her whipping boy, let her sort her issues out but don't be her punching bag physically or emotionally.

bronte

Op, you have to get out. Change your number, email address etc.

You cannot fix her. That is her job.
You are not a punchbag...you deserve so much more than this.
Get this "woman" out of your life and start the healing process now.

kylith

OP, please, please cute her out of your life, you deserve so much better. There is nothing you could have done to deserve such treatment. She does not care about you, she sees you as a possession and she will not rest until she has completely destroyed you. Get out before she does you serious harm.

I agree with other poster who have recommended that you report her to the Gardaí.

tinkerbell

OP, first of all *huge hug* to you.

You are not thinking straight right now, you are making excuses for her. I want you to write out a list of all the crap that she does to you and has done in the past and look at it. Think of what you would say if a friend of yours was in that situation and wrote that list on their partner and what you would say to them.

There is NO excuse for her hitting you. She does not care about you, in fact she does not give a crap about you. The only thing she cares about is the power trip that she is on because she can beat you up. There is nothing to be ashamed about - she is the one that should be ashamed of herself, not you. There is a lot of domestic abuse in this country and unfortunately if it's the man that is getting the abuse, usually he stays silent. Do not be silent, rise above it and report her to the gardaí. Write out every single incident that she has done to you. Have you gone to the doctor after you get injured? If you have, then you will have evidence there to back it up. If not, well you have your mother to back you up since she saw the bruising. The gardaí WILL help you, don't be afraid to go to the station and don't think that they won't help you - they will help.

And finally, LEAVE HER. She does not love you. If you love someone, you want to protect them, care for them and look after them. Not hurt them! You really are in a bubble right now of not seeing straight, so we need to tell you that what she is doing is not right, she is abusing you and you need to get out.

What exactly is stopping you from getting out? Do you have a child together, a house together, etc? Even if you do have a child, house, etc. you can still get out of this relationship. There is never any reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

And OP - no matter how many times she apologises, she will never change. Leave now, you're only with her 8 months - do not waste any more time on her, she is not worth it and you are better than that.

Oh one last thing - others here have said "don't hit her back", DO NOT hit her back. The courts here are so fecked up and totally pro-woman in this situation, that you would get completely screwed over and it would be all your fault when you yourself are the victim. But you can completely avoid getting in this situation again anyway if you just dump her. She's nothing but trash OP, you deserve a woman who will love you and care for you not make your life hell.

Curry Addict

OP u are only going out with this woman for 8 months, thats not very long.
looking at your situation from the outside your personality comes across as someone who was already vunerable before u met her. u really should not allow people to define your self esteem or confidence in any way until they really show they deserve this honor. this woman has shown you the opposite.

to continue a relationship with someone who will abuse your vunerability would be bad for your health tbh. partners should bring out the best in you most of the time or they are not suitable.

scentedcandle

That girl saw something in you right from the start - kindness and understanding - then latched on to you specifically to take advantage.
She hatched a plan to take out her inner demon on you, as soon as she got tired of acting sweet and normal initally, when she knew you cared.

I doubt she's had any relationships longer than with you.
Do you know anything about her? Past boyfriends?
She is a cruel and nasty piece of work and is obviously very very ill phycologically. You just don't know it yet. YET.
You may not want to believe that either.

I didnt read all the posts here but had to type this up before I forgot what I wanted to say to you.
Whatever her past, DO NOT try understand her motives anymore.
If her parents hit her, or if she was bullied at school (or could SHE have been a bully?) NOTHING is a good enough excuse.
There ARE no excuses for violence.
I was bullied at school AND my parents beat me, but I have not so much as thrown a cushion in all my life.
You don't learn from abuse unless something deep down in the core of your soul makes you detest and despise all that abuse is, physical or mental. You must live, act and breathe a different air to what has been done to you, in order to avoid becoming an abuser yourself.
This girl has not. She probably never will.

Abuse is an extreme hatred of yourself, hatred of the person you are abusing or the person who is abusing you. All three are connected.
Abusers are MENTALLY ILL. And many mental illnesses can not be cured, even with medication, counselling or prison.
THINK how serious I'm talking here.
RUN DON'T WALK.

She is attacking you, a grown man, an adult - WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE WOULD DO TO A DEFENSELESS CHILD IN A COT???
Every man she will ever become involved with will leave her.
She is bound to get pregnant at some stage. Let it not be with YOU.
Be extra extra careful until you leave (and I really hope you will) - don't go near her at all. Any indication of you leaving and she will fake pregnancy or worse, act normal again and attempt to get pregnant.
Dont be fooled, the devil is very charming.

I hope you don't live with her. If you do, bail out while she's away for a few hours. F**k rent, bills ect.
Have no further contact with her after that and change your number.
If she harrasses you to come back put the word around how much of a phyco she is (she will probably try humiliate you in front of your friends/neighbours/at work) - people will admire you for walking away, a real man would, so that he won't end up hitting a woman back. Because OP, that might just be exactly what would happen and last a lifetime in you too...

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP, there's 3 pages of posters here so far, EVERY SINGLE ONE validating what your "sixth sense". Please please follow your gut instinct here. And sometimes, it takes an outsider(or as in this case, a couple of outsiders!) to help you get perspective.
If this was your brother or your best friend, would you not be sick with worry for them,& try to get them out of the situation?
Forget the current economic climate lark, it is more expensive (emotionally, physically, mentally) for you to live with this woman than it is without (money? come day go day).
GO,& GO NOW.

Barnsleyfc

Lived with a girl in college once a bit like your girlfriend by the sounds of things.She almost ran me over with her car once,verbally abused me in front of vistitors and other housemates, also acted as though I was bullying her when I'd stand up to her etc.
I thought she was bad too me but when I saw what she was like with her own boyfriend it was like what she was doing to me multiplied by 10.
She was the typical abuser fine, most of the time then liable to do anything.
But to get to the point I heard sometime after moving out that she bottled her boyfriend causeing permanent scarring so in leaving your undoubtedly doing the right thing.

foxinsox

Hi OP

I hope you are doing ok and looking after yourself...

Thinking of you as I'm sure many on here are...

LegacyUser

This is the simplest thing you need to know here

YOU ARE NOT HELPING HER BY STAYING, YOU ARE ALLOWING HER TO BE ILL

What i mean by this is that you are *enabling* her abuse.
This is by NO means going to help her get better, how can it if you are basically allowing her to do what it is that she needs to stop doing???

If you really do love her and want to help her, then LEAVE her and make her realise that she needs to change her ways if she wants a partner.
Believe me it will be the best thing you ever did for her!!!!

I know maybe you feel she will not seek help if you leave, but she WILL. She is an adult and able to make decisions for her own welfare. Its amazing what people will do when they are motivated and left with no other options.

If you want to help her STOP ALLOWING HER TO BE A PERSON THAT IT IS NOT GOOD FOR HER TO BE!!!!

FoxT

Hi OP, me again..
I am glad you have moved back home. I am commenting again because some of the things you wrote jumped out at me..

"At the moment I am sick with guilt. I wish it never happened, I wish I did things differently, approached the situation before and after differently."

This woman has abused you both physically and mentally. Even though you know she went out clubbing after a violent incident with you, part of you still wants her. This is where the mental abuse lies. She knows she can do this,because she knows that you have a need for her, and she is prepared to exploit it.

You also say

"I woke today and I know you are all going to smack your foreheads in discust but I felt... guilty.... I felt that I over-reacted, she was just a woman, she didn't mean it. She is down, She will change. I am a man I should be able to take it. I wish I didn't break down, it could of all been swept under the carpet."

- I am not disgusted at all. In fact I have a lot of respect for your openness here. Judging by the tone of the other posters they clearly respect you also.

- "She was just a woman, she didn't mean it. "
'just a woman' implies that part of you feels that you are not 'strong' or perhaps 'manly' enough to fix this problem. This is nothing to do with 'strength' or 'manliness'. This woman has serious problems, and there is no shame in you acknowledging that you cannot solve them. In fact,the only person who can deal with these issues is herself.


- " She is down, she will change". She may very well be down, but SHE WILL NOT CHANGE. People don't change spontaneously. It just does not happen. And there is absolutely NOTHING that you can do that will prompt her to change. Like every other human being, she will change only if/when she wants to. She may never want to.

- "I am a man I should be able to take it. " Take what? Endure physical abuse in the hope that you will be 'loved' for doing so? Is that love?

On top of all this, you are unemployed. I have experienced that myself & it does take its toll on your self esteem .You are at a low ebb & are vulnerable.

I have re-read my post , & while it sounds a bit 'logical' I am not trying to score points here. I simply hope that you will be reassured by something that I or the other posters have said. There is a limit, though, to what strangers on the internet can do, so I offer the following:

- get a few sheets of paper & write down all of the violent incidents that you remember. This is important. You will need it.

- Break off all contact with this woman. You don't owe her anything, she needs to sort herself out.

- You will feel yourself wavering, and wanting to contact her again.When this happens, re-read the notes you have written.

- Show your notes to somebody that you trust & can talk to. If you have a good relationship with your parents, talk with them, they can help.

- If she continues to harass you report her to the gardai & show them the notes you have.

- contact a support organisation like amen. You are not alone.

And, the very best of luck.

- FoxT

all4nothingxx

Op, i am so so so sorry for what you are going through right now. You sound like such a genuine and sincere guy who certainly deserves ALOT better than that.
I understand you feel guilty but please don't. She is her own person and you are not responsible for what she does. I know you probably do not want to hear this but i certainly would think twice about making a complaint to the guards about her. This may be the only way this individual will realize how serious this situation is and her actions can not be tolerated. She needs serious help..
Please surround yourself by family, i am sure they are worried for you and want to help. Take time to yourself and keep telling yourself you are so much better than that.
Please take care of yourself.. I have no doubt you will meet somebody else who will treat you like a king tat you fully deserve to be!

desolate sun

OP I am so sorry you had to go through this. Your girlfriend is a horrible creature. I felt awful for you with your poor ear, cut and bleeding.

Please never ever go back to this woman. She really is the lowest of the low.
Please take this time away from her to rebuild yourself. You sound like a lovely man with a lot going for you. Keep positive. Take care of yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for walking away from such a dangerous situation. Many people don't and they end up dead.

So today is the first day of the rest of your life. You will meet someone someday who loves and respects you and would never hurt you.
Take care of yourself OP

ire2010

Hello all... and I say that with a massive

I feel as though I have let you all down, and I really do feel quite stupid and selfish for you all taking up your time to talk to me, and yet I did something stupid... So in advance I apologise.

The reason for me owning upto this is in hope that maybe this thread will be read by someone else in my situation which may indeed mimic a situation that some poor guy or girl are finding themselves in and give them the answers they need.

Well... It all started out last Monday, she was hounding me. Texting me, leaving me messages saying how much she missed me and how sorry she was. They were constant. Saying how everyone else has turned their back on her, and that she really needed me right now as a support.. A rock.. I didn't reply....

She did the same on Tuesday, constantly texting and ringing my phone. I have alot of messages of her literially crying on the phone. You could hear her hurt. She was saying things like please just talk to me, one text etc etc. Unfortunately I caved. I literially sent a text saying "I'm alive, what do you want?". She went on saying how sorry she was, that she can't go on. That she has calmed now and wanted to see me. I said "why meet, you don't like me". She said it was all a mistake she regrets it all and that she really needs to see me..

This went on all Tuesday, and into Wednesday. At this stage I was still hurt from what she did to me, and the texting and constantly pleeding started to get annoying. She kept on going on about meeting etc, eventually I said fine I'll meet. Not to see her, but to purely see what she wanted and call it a day at that. I arranged to meet her in a very public place. Alot of pedestrians and cameras.

I met her Wednesday evening. She was just sitting there. An empty shell. You could tell she hasn't slept properly for days. Her eyes swollen from crying and she was just a wreck. I went in with a stern attitude and literially wanted to meet her so that she would part ways. But... My heart melted.. I didn't show it, but inside I felt for her. The poor woman was in bits. I asked her what did she want, and she just answered "to see you". We didn't say much, she was just sitting there like a disiplined child. I wasn't in the 'I want her back' mode, but my defensiveness dropped.. and I talked to her in a caring way.

Anyhows, we left it there and I agreed to text her to see how she was getting on.

The texts from here were begining to pick up. She really began to be like her former self. The great, nice, pleasant girl. My mind was actually playing tricks on me, it felt like a bad dream. She was back to normal and all was great...

She asked to meet me for lunch on Saturday, again I agreed. As I was seeing parts of her I remembered, that I loved. We met for lunch and again perfect. She was so pleasant and was the girl I originally fell in love with. My heart was repairing. We parted ways, again on great company. Things were looking up!!

She asked me if I was free Monday (yesterday) and if I wanted to go shopping. I thought hmmm another public place, and I need to do shopping so thought WHY NOT!!

We met up yesterday morning in a communal point, and took one car. Drove to shopping centre (this particular one was an hour away) and all was perfect. Shopped for about 7 hours. She did, I just trailed behind. But didn't mind at all. I enjoyed the company. Started our trek home at bout 7pm, and she was again PERFECT. I actually put our problems down to a chemical imbalance that the medication had corrected. I was dropping my guards.

On the drive home she was saying how she missed me, how she wanted me back etc etc. I wanted her back too so I said we just clash on alot, but maybe we can look at solutions to our mismatches and establish a compromise.

So I asked her, do you want to be in a relationship? She said yes. I said with who? She said you. I was like ok... So tell me, what would you like from a relationship? she answered "I'm confused, I don't know". I said ok I'll start it off, I want blah blah blah blah... Told her exactly what I thought a relationship meant to me, and what I wanted. and said so what would you like?.. She answered "you've already made your decision, I don't match any of that". I said there's no wrong or right answers, basically find out what each of us want and then work from there...

She begun to cry quietly. I couldn't really see as it was pitch black. At this stage I remembered **** 20mins from home so I concentrated on the driving. I asked her what was wrong... No response... I said not talking to me now? no response.... At this stage I was like, OK really have to drive now... So I continued on..

I could from the corner of my eye she began pinching her thigh.. She use to do this to release her frustration.. At this stage I ignored it.. She kept doing it, I continued to ignore... She did it harder and more aggressively, I still ignored... She then started doing it to her arms.. I still ignored..

Finally YES FINALLY we arrived at our meeting point, public carpark loads of cameras around. I was relieved.!!!!!!

She undid her seatbelt and opened her door. She went to the back of my car and removed all her bags... I went to help her stood out of the jeep slid on ice and hurt my back. I was like a turtle on my back trying to get up, ice was terrible. Finally got back to my feet and I saw her going back to the passenger side door so I locked the doors (with my keyfob). Then noticed her handbag and other bags were still there. So I unlocked her door. I sat in the driverside and turned on the engine..

She was there crying hysterically in a shopping centre carpark. I told her just to go.. She was crying "why you doing this to me?" I said doing what??? She then jumped in the car and went to hit me. Turns out she was joking but obviously I flinched. she was still crying. I said whats wrong with you? door was open.. I said look either go, or close door and I'll talk.. but make up your mind.. Eventually she closed the door... Again crying saying I dumped her or something along those lines.. I was extremely confused at this stage..

She started punching her thighs as hard as she could... I said look just go. She said WAIT I have loads of bags let me get my keys.. I said ok ok. She was routing around her back for her keys and then revealed...... a scissors.... She kind of like thrusted it towards me (didn't actually hit me) saying I'll cut you.... This stage I was about to leg it out of my car... Turns out she was again "joking"... She found her keys....

Then when I thought it was all over and done with, she started hitting herself in the eye with her fist.... I didn't restrain her as this could be marks on her from me. I said "what are you doing to yourself???" she said "why did you hit me?" I was like WHAT?!?! She said you hit me, I said no I didn't.. She said you did. My arms and legs they're destroyed after you.. Look at my eye its closing. And it was.. She really hit her eye over and over again so hard.

She then grabbed the seatbelt, wrapped it around her neck and started choking herself. and started jabbing her key into her side.. At this stage I thought to myself I have to go to the garda station. I got out of the jeep without saying anything and left..

Walked down the carpark, fell again on ice and began walking to the garda station.. I knocked at the door, a gardai opened it, and he said "what can I do for you?". I told him I'm in trouble. He looked at me as if to say Oooook..

I told him my girlfriend (or x) is currently sitting in my car at this car park beating herself in the eye and choking herself and saying I did it. He looked at me in kind of shock. I said she's there now and she's threatening to go to the Gardai and say its me.

He was concerned and worried. He said is she mentally ill? Maybe she needs to go to hospital? I said she has tablets for depression and that and is already seeing a doctor regarding. He said has she hurt you? I said not today but a few weeks ago yes.. He said do you want to push charges? I said no I'm basically here to document that I came advising the police that these allegations could come against me.

He said ok, and took my details, her details and my mobile. He saw my hand (from two weeks ago) and said what happened to your hand? I said she did that two weeks ago, he said "HOW"? I told him.. He said right I'm going to document that also. I'm going to put it on our systems that you came in, stating she was hurting herself and threatened to report me, and damages to your hand.

He left it by saying I think its time you pull seed. Your a bigger man than me for putting up with that. She has mental issues. You deserve better. She was ringing me constantly while in the station, I showed the garda and said why would she be ringing if I attacked her??? I also told him that I just wanted to come in and show my hands as they're not red at all. Obviously if I attacked or punched someone my hands would be swollen or red somewhat. He agreed. I apologised for taking up his time and he said look after yourself. I left.

I looked at my phone, there was about 10 missed calls and 15 messages. Seems her tablets were in my car, and that she needed them. So I said to her to come get them. I parked near the garda station, and locked my doors. She drove up, drove to the drivers window and opened her window. Asked me to get into her car. I refused obviously. I said open it further I'll pass your stuff out.

She did. I got her handbag in. I couldn't find tablets anywhere. I think she made it up?!? Unfortunately she had no cash on her during the shopping trip and I lent her €200 as ATM was broken. I passed her one of the bags... She then didn't want any more. She then started saying "why you hit me?" I said what? She goes you hit me.. I said tell the truth.. you did it to yourself... And she said no you did it.. well thats the way I'm going to tell it...

That stage I had enough and said last chance to open your window and I'll pass the rest of your shopping through. She refused. she wanted to talk, I said send me a text saying the truth what happened and I will. She said she had no credit. I told her to get some, until I get that text I'm not even replying.. not that I was going to talk to her, I just think that text would be beneficial since she's making accusations against me.

I didn't get any text. Nothing since..

So thats my story.. Unfortunately I gave her benefit of the doubt, I assumed that she was being sincere and felt that she learnt from her mistakes.

I reported it to the gardai so hopefully its the last I hear of it, I am just so disappointed on how someone would like to destroy someone else. Especially when that person is trying their best to help you.

Please hold back on the abusive responses. I understand now I am stupid and I did wrong, but its hard to see someone once so close to you in so much pain. You were so close to them at one time so you assume they'd not lie to you, or destroy you.

I hope you all understand, thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry I believed her over all of you. 2010, what a great year..