Depressed Partner

LegacyUser

So I was here posting about 6-8 weeks ago about my bf (now my ex) he was severely depressed and felt he had to break up with me, talked him out of it the first time but a week later he did it by text anyway.

Everyone here was a great help to me over a very difficult time, after I stopped posting here I kinda annoyed him with texts and phonecalls, and my "insecurities" as he called them, so after that I decided not to call/text for a while, I kept this up for about a week and a half and during that time he rang me once and I controlled myself and we just had a normal chat about movies etc

Now a couple of weeks later we chat most days, its about 60 - 40 with me contacting him but occasionally he will ring me, but I dont know if this is a step back for me now because Im still holding out hope that he will change his mind and we'll get back together. I havent said this to him.

I am seeing someone to help me through this, and its so far been a great help, but I just don't know where to go from here to be honest, like should I suggest we meet up? Id love that but I did suggest that a couple of weeks after we broke up and he said he just couldn't see me if I was going to be upset and in a state, and I foolishly said how couldnt I be I'd always be upset by this. Now I think he wont want to see me because of this.

If anyone has any advice I'd be greatful, thanks.

28064212

It's pretty simple really: ask him if he wants to get back together with you. Then you'll have your answer. Staying in contact with him and meeting up as "friends" will ensure neither of you move on with your lives. Ask him straight out if your relationship is over

LegacyUser

28064212 wrote: »

It's pretty simple really: ask him if he wants to get back together with you. Then you'll have your answer. Staying in contact with him and meeting up as "friends" will ensure neither of you move on with your lives. Ask him straight out if your relationship is over

Do not do this. He's not in a position to give you an answer, and you asking him is only going to put him under even more pressure. Keep seeing your counsellor (I hope you've found one), and focus on yourself for now. He'll come to you when he's ready, but you can't push him, if I've learned anything I've learned that.

Try not to call him as much, you're putting him on the spot when you do. Let him call you, and he will - when he feels he's in the frame of mind to talk to you.

Don't rush this, it's going to take time, and it's good that you're still in contact and he knows you're there for him. You just can't expect anything from him right now emotionally, it's like asking a cripple to walk, and it's not fair on either of you. You'll get frustrated at him and he'll get frustrated with himself. He wants to be the man you love, and by getting help he's trying to get back there, you just have to try to understand and support him til he does.

little lady

Hi,

Glad to hear that things have gotten a bit better for you both. I know it's really hard to do but maybe don't talk every day, he might feel a bit under pressure to make conversation and if he slips back into the dark place he initially was he could push you away again. And trust me; it hurts the second time, just as much as the first!

As for meeting up, don't ask him directly as in "Do you want to meet up with me?" go for the more indirect breezy way as in "if you feel like getting out and want to grab a quick coffee\drink some time let me know!" You are putting the offer out there but not making him make a decision.

gimme5minutes

He's doing this because he KNOWS you will take him back in a heartbeat, he has you at his beck and call. If you actually told him to get stuffed and you are not going to be taken for a mug and not to contact you again as you are now looking for a new bf he would snap out of it fairly quickly. As soon as he realises you are able to get by without it will give him a whole new perspective on your relationship.

little lady

gimme5minutes wrote: »

He's doing this because he KNOWS you will take him back in a heartbeat, he has you at his beck and call. If you actually told him to get stuffed and you are not going to be taken for a mug and not to contact you again as you are now looking for a new bf he would snap out of it fairly quickly. As soon as he realises you are able to get by without it will give him a whole new perspective on your relationship.

If the guy is genuinely and seriously depressed then I have to disagree with this. He may love her very much but not be able to express or deal with it at the moment.

She is not being taken for a mug, she is trying to give the man she loves the chance to get over his depression and support him the best she can through it. It's not like he's out running around behind her back and telling her lies. There may come a time where she decides that she can't deal with it any more but that will be her decision.

Miss Fluff

canthelp wrote: »

Now a couple of weeks later we chat most days, its about 60 - 40 with me contacting him but occasionally he will ring me, but I dont know if this is a step back for me now because Im still holding out hope that he will change his mind and we'll get back together. I havent said this to him.

You are:

a. crowding him

and

b. filling yourself with false hope that a reconciliation is imminent.

You have to stop phoning him as it is confusing for you and confusing for him. You need to give him the space to figure out what he wants once and for all, and you need to rebuild your life and get on with things. Being in such regular contact is a very "couply" thing to do when no longer together. I'd ease up on the contact and stop being at his beck and call. Your persistent attention may just have the opposite to the desired effect.

Depression is a truly horrific and nasty and awful illness. It is awful for the person going through it. It also has the potential to incur manipulative and selfish carry-on and can be used all too easily as an excuse for bad behaviour to loved ones. I don't know the guy so I can't comment but it is worth keeping in mind.

You need to remove yourself from this situation for the time being so you can both get your head straight.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies, I do appreciate getting other peoples opinions on this.

Well just to say that we arent actually in contact every day, and I wouldnt say i'm crowding him since he does ring me too so it's not just me constantly at him. To me if he wasnt interested in talking to me at all then he wouldn't call me, he wouldn't answer my calls or texts (this is what he did right after we broke up, he just ignored my calls/texts).

We did have a period of about two weeks of no contact, this did help me anyway to really get my head round things and gave me the chance to find a counsellor and start speaking to her. This all really helped and gave me a chance to come to terms with the fact that we may not get back together, however it didn't get rid of my hope that we will get back together, how could it given the way we ended and his depression.

I dont think he's manipulating me or keeping me at his beck and call, im not his puppy ready to ask how high when he says jump, he is severely depressed and when he broke up with me I think he genuinely just couldnt handle thinking about anyone but him, I still don't think he's in a place where we could be a couple again but I am glad we're still in contact and can relax and chat.

I think maybe I might leave asking him to meet for a while, I'm not sure he's ready and I don't want him to step back, I'll just keep chatting occasionally and maybe eventually i'll feel when the time is right.

Its just so hard to know what to do and whats right, I mean i'm just not sure all the normal breakup rules apply here in this situation.

LegacyUser

You're right, normal break up rules don't apply at all, and I don't think anyone else can understand that unless they've been through it themselves to be honest. Of course he's interested in talking to you, I've no doubt that he's still completely in love with you too - but he's trying to deal with his problems at the same time and trying to figure out what's best, and that can't be easy.

I think some people have a flippant view of depression, such as saying it's an excuse for bad behaviour - but people who do that DO NOT have depression! It's a horrible, life threatening illness; it takes away your hope, and gradually gnaws away at any reason you ever had to be alive.

I had a similar break up, as I told you in the last thread (logged in as Ivebeenthere and beenthere), but I refused to give up on things. I could that the man I loved was still there, and I know you can see that in your boyfriend too. And I know it's so incredibly hard, and I know it hurts so damn much, to see him slip away from you. But, remember that he knows he has you, he might not have anything else left in his world but you're still there. Now, I won't lie to you - as a depressed person that alone won't help him, but it has to give him some kind of hope and reassurance that there are people who love him. Just please don't expect too much from him, he broke up with you because he can't give it to you, and if you pressure him you're just going to upset and frustrate him even more. Remember that it was your choice to stay in contact, and you can't get angry with him now for not considering your feelings. he broke up with you because he has enough trouble dealing with his own at the moment.

On the other side of the coin, you have to keep thinking about yourself too. You have to think about what would happen if you weren't in contact at all and how you'd deal with it. You have to prepare yourself for that - because just knowing you'd be ok will make you feel alot more secure, and that'll help him too - he'll feel less pressure. I did the no contact thing for a few weeks, and it killed me, I went to sleep crying and woke up crying, and he was all I thought about. But I got through it, and eventually I started to get on with my life and realise that I could get past it. Simple things like just keeping busy all the time helped me so much. And you know what? It was the day I realised I was ok on my own that we ended up getting back together.

So for now, keep chatting occasionally, but don't bombard him with calls. Check in to see how he's doing, keep it light hearted, and if he wants to talk to you about it he will. But in the meantime get on with your own life, I know it's not easy and I know he'll always be at the back of your mind, but it's just something you have to do.

Feeling Groovy

postedinyourlastthread.........you are wise beyond your years. But i'm sure its because what you've been through. Great advice for anyone in cant helps position. Im coming through it myself and it made me smile to read you got there

LegacyUser

Thanks postedinyourlastthread, I do remember you from my last thread, I really appreciate your advice because it's like you know exactly where I'm coming from, and from what you've said I guess you really do.

Its a great help to know other people have gone through the same thing.

I really am trying to get on with my own life, it's difficult but I just try to keep busy and keep going out with friends etc he's always in my mind though, i'm finding night time and trying to get to sleep the hardest, no matter how great a day I've had my mind just brings me back to him.

I'm really not expecting anything from him, or at least i'm trying not to, it was my decision as you say to keep in contact but the more I think about it maybe we're not ready to meet yet because surely if thats what he wanted he'd say so and Im afraid I wont be able to keep myself strictly friendly, and will be expecting more from a meet up.

I'm going to try and contact him less coz maybe I had been doing it a bit much, though he did always seem happy to text/talk but maybe it'l give him the chance to call me more if thats what he wants.

I'm really confused I guess part of me is like ya know I can get on fine without him but the rest of me just wants my boyfriend back, all depending on what time of the day and how i'm feeling!

LegacyUser

canthelp wrote: »

I'm really confused I guess part of me is like ya know I can get on fine without him but the rest of me just wants my boyfriend back, all depending on what time of the day and how i'm feeling!

I completely understand that feeling! I even get it now sometimes, even though things are a lot better. But I think it's a good thing, because it shows that you know that you'll be ok without him if you have to be, even if you don't want to be.

I think you're right not to suggest meeting up for now, I'd leave the ball in his court. Night time was the worst for me too, you're lying there with your phone reading old texts and wishing things could go back to how they were. And then you end up with a drafts box full of texts you write but never send because you're not sure if you should. And if you do send one then you're on completely on edge until you get a reply, and if you don't get it it just stays on your mind all day, because you're constantly waiting on your phone to beep.

What I've learned though, is to try to not take it personally if he doesn't respond or initiate contact. I admit it's a really hard thing to do, because the first thing you think naturally is that there's something else wrong, or that it's to do with you. But it's not, it's not about you, it's his illness. I still have days where I doubt things and question myself, but then I remind myself that I know he loves me, and that none of it is my fault or his. You have to do that too. I know you might not think the same rules apply when you're not together, but by hanging on like this then you technically are.

And I'm not telling you to stop hanging on, because I'm bloody glad I didn't, but at the same time you can't let it take over your life. Your day can't always be reliant on his mood, you know? If you're in this for the long haul then you have to learn to accept that this is going to take a lot of time, he won't get better in a matter of weeks - it could take months/years. And you have to take control of your emotions and not let his rub off on you, because it's very easily done.

I'm talking like you're going to get back together because I believe you will. I don't think he'd have stayed in contact with you if not, because being in contact with you is probably even harder for him than cutting you off completely, and the fact that he still is shows just how much he cares about you.

Don't give up. Be there for him, and hopefully he'll feel ready to meet you at some stage. And when he does that then you fight for your relationship, you tell him just how much you love him and how all you want is to be there for him. Tell him how much he means to you, and show him that being with him won't bring you down because you've learned how to deal with it. Because maybe that's the problem, maybe he could see it was affecting you more than you know.

I don't have all the answers, I'm still taking it one day at a time, and it's still really really hard sometimes. But to be with the person you love with all your heart, the person who makes you happy regardless of everything else, and the person who showed you what true love was - it's so worth it all. I promise.

LegacyUser

postedinyourlastthread, can I ask you how long it took before you got back together with your ex? I dont want to know so I can use it in my own situation as I know everyone is different, especially when dealing with depression, but out of interest if of course you're willing to say, no pressure.

I've decided im def going to leave asking to meet up for now, who knows maybe one day he'l ask me and I think that would be better.

The way you described the nights thats exactly what I do, down to the old texts and everything, even if i've had the best day ever it just seems to be the time when I remember most.

As of know he always replies if I text but if he stops then I just leave it at that, I don't hound him or anything coz obviously he's had enough. When we're texting/talking I just try to keep things light and happy and be the me he met, so I think thats working for me.

I am definetely not going anywhere, i'm here for the long haul and hopefully he'l see that i'm not going anywhere and feel he's in a place to give it another go, but I realise there's no point until he's ready coz then we'l prob just end up going the same way again.

If we do eventually meet up do you think its best to keep things light and breezy or is it best to say that yea I still love you and im going nowhere?

LegacyUser

canthelp wrote: »

postedinyourlastthread, can I ask you how long it took before you got back together with your ex? I dont want to know so I can use it in my own situation as I know everyone is different, especially when dealing with depression, but out of interest if of course you're willing to say, no pressure.

I've decided im def going to leave asking to meet up for now, who knows maybe one day he'l ask me and I think that would be better.

The way you described the nights thats exactly what I do, down to the old texts and everything, even if i've had the best day ever it just seems to be the time when I remember most.

As of know he always replies if I text but if he stops then I just leave it at that, I don't hound him or anything coz obviously he's had enough. When we're texting/talking I just try to keep things light and happy and be the me he met, so I think thats working for me.

I am definetely not going anywhere, i'm here for the long haul and hopefully he'l see that i'm not going anywhere and feel he's in a place to give it another go, but I realise there's no point until he's ready coz then we'l prob just end up going the same way again.

If we do eventually meet up do you think its best to keep things light and breezy or is it best to say that yea I still love you and im going nowhere?

It wasn't very long at all, less than a few weeks, but you're right - everyone is different. As for when you meet up, I think you just have to figure that one out when you see him, you know? In my situation he had cut contact before we met up to talk, so when we did meet up I had so much I wanted to say, and it just felt right to tell him exactly how I felt - regardless of the impact it would have on him. I felt like it was my last shot, and it was the best thing I ever did. If you have things you need to say then I think you should say them. I think the last thing he would want is for you to censor your feelings around him, he probably needs that reasurrance from you more than you know. At least then you'll know that you did everything you could.

You need to give yourself a limit too though. It's hard enough being with someone and seeing them suffer, but to be forced to see it from the sidelines when you're not together is even worse. You can't have a life like that, and I know it's the last thing you want to lose him, but if in 6 months things haven't changed then I think you might have to question if you already have. I'm really sorry to say that, but it has to be said - you have to remember that YOU are the most important person in your life.

Feeling Groovy

Less than a few weeks before you got back together???

Cant helps been dealing with this for 6 - 8 weeks. What you have given is great advice and all but seriously, a few weeks off a relationship is like a holiday.

LegacyUser

Feeling Groovy wrote: »

Less than a few weeks before you got back together???

Cant helps been dealing with this for 6 - 8 weeks. What you have given is great advice and all but seriously, a few weeks off a relationship is like a holiday.

With all due respect, I've been dealing with the depression problems in my relationship for a long long time and it's been no f#cking holiday. Just because you haven't actively broken up for a long period doesn't mean that you haven't had hellish periods of losing your partner to their depression. Times where they seem to disappear within themselves and shut you out so much that you wonder if you'll ever get them back.

So do NOT tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. This is a subject close to my heart and I've tried really hard to give the OP some support, because I've been there, and I'm getting through it, and I want to give her some hope.

I'm actually raging at the cheek of you. If you feel you can help the OP then please do, but don't take a dig at my attempts to do so in the process.

Ickle Magoo

As per the charter, please reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner, remember being a Personal Issues board the contents of some threads may be very close to people's hearts.

Many thanks
Ickle

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

As per the charter, please reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner, remember being a Personal Issues board the contents of some threads may be very close to people's hearts.

Many thanks
Ickle

I'm not sure if this is aimed at my post - but I apologise if it is. FeelingGroovys comment just got to me a bit, and I responded in haste. I appreciate that I'm not aware of their situation, I'd just like the same courtesy in return.

OP, Maybe this is just too close to my heart for me to give further advice, but I came across this blog post a while back and it really helped me understand things. Read over it yourself and it might hopefully help in some way. Best of luck x
http://poesygalore.blogspot.com/2007/08/how-your-depressed-partner-feels.html

Feeling Groovy

I had no intention of upsetting you...for that i apologise. I was getting at the point that your break up time and get back together time (a few weeks) seems relatively short compared to OPs time and my time of 6 months and counting. We've all dealt with different things in family life and relationship and beyond that have caused depression and dealing with depression etc. OPs question regarding the post i responded to was how long did you take to get back together and your response just surprised me. 2 weeks without the person you love (and i will say it is my opinion) to me seems like a walk in the park compared to the time i have to spend apart in my situation(and yes there was time before we broke up that was hard aswell). As i said, no offence intended but i stand by what i said. Im glad your situation worked out and i do still stand by saying that you give good advice, but my situation hasn't worked out and i hope you can respect that without flying off the wagon.

LegacyUser

wow things seem to have got bit touchy since I was here last, postedinyourlastthread, thanks for all your advice, it was all very helpful, I dont think it matters that you were only broken up for 2 weeks because im sure it was still a problem before and after that period and I hope things continue to go well for you.

Feeling Groovy thank you for your posting as well, as i've said before it is a great help to know there are others who have been in the same situation, no matter how it worked out for them, so thanks!

I did eventually decide to ask my ex if he wanted to meet up as I was thinking about it all the time and it was driving me crazy, so just sent a text asking and he replied asking if I could do it and be too emotional as he couldnt handle that, I said that it was only my intention to see him and wasnt going to be going in crying etc so he said that yea he'd like to do that in the near future when he's feeling ready.

I'm trying not be too optimistic with this because who knows how it will go or whats going on in his head but the fact that he wants to see me is I think a good sign.