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He's Just Not That Into You

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  • 17-11-2010 4:00am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Okay so read this book over the past few days and just wondering if anyone else has read it and what their thoughts were on it. Useful or a bit too black and white? For example, they say that a woman should never, ever ask a man out. Ever. On the other hand, the basic message - ie; that if a guy isn't pursuing you, he's just not that into you - seems wonderfully clear and to explain oh so much...


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    #2
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,309 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    unreggoforthis wrote: »
    Okay so read this book over the past few days and just wondering if anyone else has read it and what their thoughts were on it. Useful or a bit too black and white? For example, they say that a woman should never, ever ask a man out. Ever. On the other hand, the basic message - ie; that if a guy isn't pursuing you, he's just not that into you - seems wonderfully clear and to explain oh so much...

    Or maybe he is shy. Or maybe his friends are trying to convince him to play games as well.
    Nothing makes me see red quite like someone simpering "oh I couldn't possibly ask a man out!"

    If you are interested in a man, ask him out, and leave the lazy spoiled (aka "traditional") crap somewhere else.


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    #3
    Xiney
    Registered Users Posts: 8,085 ✭✭✭Xiney


    I believe books like this could have the entire text replaced by one word repeated over and over:

    bullshit



    We're all human beings, we all like to be wanted, men and women alike. Granted there has to be give and take, one doesn't want to do all the pursuing and no one wants to be pursued by someone they have no interest in.

    The world would be a lot easier if people didn't go in for mind games and were just straight forward with each other.


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    #4
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    This is an American book in an American context and American men are far more confident and aggressive in pursuing women. So I would agree with that in that context.


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    #5
    pickarooney
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,196 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    metrovelvet wrote: »
    This is an American book in an American context and American men are far more confident and aggressive in pursuing women. So I would agree with that in that context.

    I would have thought (TV lies so much!) that it was quite common for American women to have the confidence to ask men out.


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    #6
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    pickarooney wrote: »
    I would have thought (TV lies so much!) that it was quite common for American women to have the confidence to ask men out.

    Its not a question of confidence. Its about protocols and dynamics. Women like a man who can take risks and go for it. This is important in the US. Introversion is not an admirable trait there.


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    #7
    pickarooney
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,196 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    And conversely men don't like women who take risks? It seems kind of quaint, but there are so many aspects of American culture which are just badly represented by the media.


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    #8
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    pickarooney wrote: »
    And conversely men don't like women who take risks? It seems kind of quaint, but there are so many aspects of American culture which are just badly represented by the media.

    No not really. Not in the US. Its kind of assumed 'if he likes you, you will know it." If you have to guess and pick apart every little thing he says, then he doesn't like you that much. But we are far more direct anyway. At least in the Northeast. The south is different because everyone wants to be polite so its bull of back biting gossip and you never know where you stand with anyone. I think this book was written by an east coaster.

    It took me over 6 years to start having a clue about Irish subtext. Jesus Christ. ITs like living in a Pinter play.


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    #9
    dvet
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭dvet


    I find a lot of my friends agonising over the complete opposite thing: i.e. a guy is clearly interested in them, texting them and arranging to meet up, ringing them etc etc, and they still agonise over 'whether he likes her or not'. 'maybe he just wants to be friends?' etc!

    Trust me...he likes you!! A guy you barely know is NOT going contact you again if he thinks you're a 'minger' :D Boys are definitely black and white in that sense!! :p


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    #10
    neveah
    Registered Users Posts: 282 ✭✭neveah


    While I don't think this book should be treated like the bible when it comes to men, I do think it makes some good points about when the warning bells should go off when it comes to some guys. I got the book free with a magazine a number of years ago but I eventually picked it up to read it after my last relationship broke up and I swear I felt like some of the chapters had been written specifically about my ex! I should have seen major warning signs during our relationship but I was blinded by 'love' at the time and couldn't process things for what they were. On reflection reading that book it was very obvious that my ex just wasn't that into me!!


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    #11
    thankswhore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 45 ✭thankswhore


    as yer man from The Smiths says "I am human and i need to be loved, just like everbody else does"


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    #12
    southsiderosie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,565 ✭✭✭southsiderosie


    Xiney wrote: »

    The world would be a lot easier if people didn't go in for mind games and were just straight forward with each other.
    neveah wrote: »
    I should have seen major warning signs during our relationship but I was blinded by 'love' at the time and couldn't process things for what they were. On reflection reading that book it was very obvious that my ex just wasn't that into me!!

    TBH, I think the whole "advice industry" would go under tomorrow if people just followed their instincts more - women in particular. Most of us have a "spidey sense", but we choose to ignore it.


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    #13
    IrishEyes19
    Registered Users Posts: 1,861 ✭✭✭IrishEyes19


    I've read this before also "its just a date," I don't take these seriously, some points are good and fair, but they dont take individual circumstances into account like nerves, unforseen reasons why people can't meet up or objects that stand in the way of two people being together like different backgrounds, age gaps, relatives and even morals.

    Sometimes ex's do get back together, sometimes two people who love each other break up, often a guy/girl, calls even when they arent totally committed to the idea of a relationship just for the sake of being with someone.

    they're are so many ways in which dating and relationships can turn out, and I think these books live of the idea that self improvement or being someone else will achieve a perfect date.

    for example, they all preach about bettering yourself and being yourself, but truthfully, that itself is quite contradictory, and I dont think a self made millionaire writing a book or celebrity or whatever has any knowledge of my dating past or history or is qualified to tell you how to date.

    they're a good read, but in reviewing the books, they can be very depressing really. especially the "its just a date," and "he's just not that into you," ones


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    #14
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    metrovelvet wrote: »
    No not really. Not in the US. Its kind of assumed 'if he likes you, you will know it." If you have to guess and pick apart every little thing he says, then he doesn't like you that much. But we are far more direct anyway. At least in the Northeast. The south is different because everyone wants to be polite so its bull of back biting gossip and you never know where you stand with anyone. I think this book was written by an east coaster.

    It took me over 6 years to start having a clue about Irish subtext. Jesus Christ. ITs like living in a Pinter play.

    :D Hear that so often from foreigners living here. I never knew we were so subtle and complex as a people. Then again, didn't Freud have something to say along those lines? Or has Leonardo DiCaprio been lying to me again?

    =========================================================

    Metro is probably on to something about the book being written by an American for an American audience. Certainly doesn't apply to the Irish or English or Germans whom I have spent a good amount of time mixing with over the years.


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    #15
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    strobe wrote: »
    :D Hear that so often from foreigners living here. I never knew we were so subtle and complex as a people. Then again, didn't Freud have something to say along those lines? Or has Leonardo DiCaprio been lying to me again?

    =========================================================

    Metro is probably on to something about the book being written by an American for an American audience. Certainly doesn't apply to the Irish or English or Germans whom I have spent a good amount of time mixing with over the years.

    Did Freud say of the Irish "This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."?
    This remark is discussed in the Oscar-winning movie 'The Departed'. However, there is no evidence Freud ever said it.

    http://www.freud.org.uk/about/faq/

    There are too many weird obscure codes in every exchange in this country and I cant figure it out and that is with having Irish parents. I cant imagine what it's like for people who are total foreigners.

    I need a translator.


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    #16
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,309 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    southsiderosie wrote: »
    TBH, I think the whole "advice industry" would go under tomorrow if people just followed their instincts more - women in particular. Most of us have a "spidey sense", but we choose to ignore it.

    It's funny that TGC currently has a link to "4 personality types that will drive a man away", I can't imagine a male equivalent? :confused:


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    #17
    pickarooney
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,196 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    bluewolf wrote: »
    It's funny that TGC currently has a link to "4 personality types that will drive a man away", I can't imagine a male equivalent? :confused:

    You can't imagine 4 types of men who would drive women away or you can't imagine a man writing an article about them?


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    #18
    mariaalice
    Registered Users Posts: 12,390 ✭✭✭✭mariaalice


    I read it a few years ago a friend gave it me and i was a bit surprised as she knows i don't like self help books, although to be honest i have never read one all the way through, however i did like the book a lot not just what it says but because of the way it written....its refreshingly free of ***** about "issues" or anything like that....it straight forward practical and down to earth.


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    #19
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,309 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    pickarooney wrote: »
    You can't imagine 4 types of men who would drive women away or you can't imagine a man writing an article about them?

    An article :)
    I don't know, I just can't picture in my head a bunch of guys looking to a similar kind of article. "How to get women" maybe, or one of those player ones, but nothing quite like "personality types that might drive your partner away"...
    I'm curious, are they out there? Or is this a female worry??


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    #20
    southsiderosie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,565 ✭✭✭southsiderosie


    bluewolf wrote: »
    An article :)
    I don't know, I just can't picture in my head a bunch of guys looking to a similar kind of article. "How to get women" maybe, or one of those player ones, but nothing quite like "personality types that might drive your partner away"...
    I'm curious, are they out there? Or is this a female worry??

    Here is a God-awful attempt: 5 types of men that women try to avoid


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    #21
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,309 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    southsiderosie wrote: »
    Here is a God-awful attempt: 5 types of men that women try to avoid

    Thanks!
    It does exist :eek: :)


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    #22
    apsalar
    Registered Users Posts: 105 ✭✭apsalar


    Do people really read such books and apply them to their lives? I find taking self-help books seriously difficult, never mind those aimed at helping with relationships.....

    I remember having a heated argument years ago with a friend over how to get/leave/ deal with men. She was seriously into these "how to" articles and I was probably being rude by scoffing so openly, but I really do think that everyone has something of a kaleidoscope personality- different faces according to the circumstances / stage in their lives. What may work with me one day may not work in 6 months...I don't know, but then, I'm bi-polar so my moods are pretty quicksilver anyway.

    Anyway, it all depends on the man/ woman in question anyway. Some like a more open, candid person, some don't *shrug*


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    #23
    pickarooney
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,196 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    southsiderosie wrote: »
    Here is a God-awful attempt: 5 types of men that women try to avoid

    I guess they figured it was pointless including the violent ones and the drug-addicts, but bizarrely enough for all those 'types' there seems to be women willing to put up with them.


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    #24
    Feeona
    Registered Users Posts: 1,633 ✭✭✭Feeona


    There are so many self help books out there, written by people who suddenly figured out the 'rules' of life. Self help books are pointless really, I'd compare them to reading a book about riding a bike. You won't learn from reading it, but you'll learn by getting onto the bike, falling off several times and eventually it'll all come together.

    And there are no 'rules' for a better life as such. You just have to figure out what suits you best.


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    #25
    Eve_Dublin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,884 ✭✭✭Eve_Dublin


    metrovelvet wrote: »
    It took me over 6 years to start having a clue about Irish subtext. Jesus Christ. ITs like living in a Pinter play.

    Hahaha. Funny. I've been courted by a few yanks in my life and one very recently and to be honest, I find the approach just so corny and predictable. This guy who was apparently interested in me was introduced to me and he took my hand and shook it for a while and gave it the, "It's my pleasure to meet you....." and gave it this contrived, Mister Smoothy-Pants charm that I always got off a lot of American guys. Like something straight out of Hollywood. Very hard to take seriously as a European. I have to agree though, I could never figure out what the hell was going on with any guy I was dating in Ireland...it was as if either of us was too proud to admit we liked each other or too cowardly to admit otherwise. I like fairly upfront but I also like a little less cockiness or worst of all, a guy pretending to be super confident when they were blatantly not (American men). I like a little bit of guess work...keeps me on my toes.


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    #26
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Eve_Dublin wrote: »
    Hahaha. Funny. I've been courted by a few yanks in my life and one very recently and to be honest, I find the approach just so corny and predictable. This guy who was apparently interested in me was introduced to me and he took my hand and shook it for a while and gave it the, "It's my pleasure to meet you....." and gave it this contrived, Mister Smoothy-Pants charm that I always got off a lot of American guys. Like something straight out of Hollywood. Very hard to take seriously as a European. I have to agree though, I could never figure out what the hell was going on with any guy I was dating in Ireland...it was as if either of us was too proud to admit we liked each other or too cowardly to admit otherwise. I like fairly upfront but I also like a little less cockiness or worst of all, a guy pretending to be super confident when they were blatantly not (American men). I like a little bit of guess work...keeps me on my toes.

    Oh no no no. I cant say that I have ever been courted by an American man like that but then I attract eccentrics. I think I would laugh outloud.

    I dont mind cockiness either. Its usually great fodder for humour and jokes either to their face or something to laugh at with your friends.


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    #27
    Eve_Dublin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,884 ✭✭✭Eve_Dublin


    metrovelvet wrote: »
    Oh no no no. I cant say that I have ever been courted by an American man like that but then I attract eccentrics. I think I would laugh outloud.

    I attract the cheeseballs, obviously. I need to get some tattoos.


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    #28
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Eve_Dublin wrote: »
    I attract the cheeseballs, obviously. I need to get some tattoos.

    I would take a cheesy handshake over a copy of Last Tango in Paris dropped off at my summer job when I was nineteen. :rolleyes: Or the offer off a French diplomat to come home with him and help him decorate his apartment.

    Where do they come up with this stuff?


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    #29
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    metrovelvet wrote: »
    It took me over 6 years to start having a clue about Irish subtext. Jesus Christ. ITs like living in a Pinter play.

    I'm Irish and I don't get it!

    The weird thing I find is that I'm probably the most upfront person I know yet I get accused of playing games. Apparently, people are constantly looking for the hidden motive to my directness! I'm not just talking about relationships either. Just generally.

    Lived up in the pale for 4 years and it's not so bad there. Moved back down to Kerry and I've come to the conclusion that people mean the exact opposite of what they say. Damned nosey, aswell (And I'm from Kerry, btw, before a load of Kingdom subjects start attacking me!)


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