Room-Mate issues!!

lslola

I recently returned to my rented house at the weekend after being away for a few days to discover my room-mate had put at least 8 different personal photos in our sitting room. These ranged from family photos to pictures of herself and her friends and a few other wedding photos(not her wedding might i add!!)

She does not own the property incase your wondering. We both rent the property and in fact I pay a little more than she does.

Am i out of line to ask her to remove these? If not, how do I go about it without insulting her?

She is a number of years older than me and has been renting different houses for a good few years so I would have thought she would no the rights and wrongs at this stage of sharing a house...

Your thoughts are comments are welcome....

djimi

Is this room mate a friend of yours or just someone you rent a house with? You know her better than we do; how is she likely to react if you ask her to take them down?

To be honest its pretty simple; if it bothers you that much then ask her to take them down, or even some of them down. Personally I wouldnt see it as being a very big issue (unless she has some ugly friends...!). Maybe balance it out with some pictures of your own.

mathepac

lslola wrote: »

... Am i out of line to ask her to remove these? ....

Yes and I think your room-mate is the one with the real problem. I'd advise her to move out, fast.

28064212

Why do you want her to take them down? She's perfectly entitled to have pictures in the sitting-room

lslola

Even if they are very personal photos? all over the room??
Do you not think she should have asked if I was ok with it first??
I wouldnt impose my photos on her. She has a room to put her personal touch on not a communal room were we both use....

Mint Sauce

Is there something in particular that offends you about the pictures. Maybe shes just trying to add a bit of character to the house. Like the other poster said, add a few things of your own to balance things out.

As for rights and wrongs of house sharing, I have house shared for 8 years, 4 differnet houses, 3 different groups of people and have never heard a rule like this.

Now if it was something like a poster or something hanging of the wall, I would expect to be asked first, but for something as little as some pictures on the mantle peice or shelf, especailly if its lying empty, I wouldn't be bothered.

No doubt in a after a few days or week you'll forget they are there.

28064212

lslola wrote: »

Even if they are very personal photos? all over the room??
Do you not think she should have asked if I was ok with it first??
I wouldnt impose my photos on her. She has a room to put her personal touch on not a communal room were we both use....

What are "very personal photos"? Is she naked in them? How do they affect you? How are they "imposed" on you any more then her having her toothbrush in the bathroom?

00112984

It's her home and she has photos up. I can't see what the big deal is unless the contents of the photos are outside normal boundaries of decency.

The fact that you pay slightly more rent than her doesn't account for anything.

I can't see how you have any grounds to ask her to take them down.

silja

I agree with the others that based on what you posted here, there is nothing wrong with what she did. or even that she did not ask you first. Now, if the photos were indecent, or, say, of her at a neo-nazi rally or otherwise offensive, or if she told you you weren't allowed to put stuff up, or removed your things to put up her photos, it'd be another thing.

lslola

Dont get me wrong I dont have a problem with a photo here or there...I think the fact that there is so many and that they just sprung up over night has rubbed me up the wrong way.

A few of you have suggested me putting up photos-Theres no room left!!

She has put up a few other things that belong to her but that is for decorative reasons like artwork ect that I have no problem with cause it makes the place look nice but I dont see how photos of other people weddings can add to the room especially when shes not even in them and I dont know the people!

If she had of asked me we both could have agreed to put up a few photos here and there to make it homely but now I just feel shes trying to take over the place. A few other people have said that to me aswel.

ztoical

OP I can understand somewhat were your coming from. If your both sharing the space and one person has placed alot of their items around it can make it feel like it's their space and not a communal space and you can feel unwelcome to spend time there.

The best solution is to say you want to hang some of your photos/artwork up and ask her which ones of hers she'd be up for moving [to the hallway or her own room]. Stress moving not take down, if you start going telling her to take them down it could cause a row as she does live there and has a right to place some photos out if she wishes.

Cathmandooo

I really think you're over reacting. Why don't you just talk to the girl. You don't have to be formal, just casually say that you feel there's a few too many photos up and would she mind keeping some of them to her room. I can't see what's so difficult about that.

She seems to have no idea you have a problem with this? I don't think she should come to you with every single decision about the house, if you see something you disagree with you should say something there and then, I doubt she'd have a problem with compromising.

lslola

I agree with you cathmandoo...I just wanted to see if I was over-reacting or not...but I do feel really strongly about this and I feel its not right/fair so yes I will speak to her.

D3PO

OP talk about an over reaction. You dont have exclusive use of the room you cant call the shots simple as.

honeslty if a few photos in the sitting room has you rubbed up the wrong way you need to rent on your own.

00112984

I have a small livingroom. Having a quick look around, I have a total of eleven photos on display in ten frames. Five frames are arranged on one section of the room, the other five are on the bottom shelf of the TV stand. They're really not taking up much room at all. Wouldn't even notice them most of the time and if I have someone in, they would never spot them until they were here a good while.

I really can't see how eight of your room-mate's photos are getting in your way so much.

lslola wrote: »

I feel its not right/fair

What's not right or fair about it?

She has the right to display photos in her home.

You can also put up your own if you'd like so it's fair.

I think you're really over-reacting. I honestly think if there was a thread up here saying "My room-mate told me to take down my personal photos" there'd be a lot of replies criticising the picture-hating housemate.

Thoie

I'd have to side with the OP - I don't particularly like photos or knick-knacks around the place, and it would drive me crazy to come home and find someone had taken it upon themselves to "decorate" like that. Partially this is because I once lived with a girl who used add "touches" all over the place. For the sake of peace I never told her that I didn't like them, and then she threw them all back in my face (figuratively) at a later stage.

If she had covered the mantelpiece with ornaments the OP didn't like, would that be OK?

OP, I think ztoical's approach is the most reasonable to start with.

amdublin

lslola wrote: »

Am i out of line to ask her to remove these?

Yes.


You should probably look to rent on your own.

Doop

This is such a guy v's girl thing here, its easy to work out which posters are which. Personally i share and our sitting room is very bare, but i wouldn't want to come home to find photos of random people all over the place, keep your personal stuff personal and communal, communal.

I have lived in houses with photos around before, which were there before I moved in and it was always 'their' house, which doesnt work well for house sharing.

lslola

Doop wrote: »

This is such a guy v's girl thing here, its easy to work out which posters are which. Personally i share and our sitting room is very bare, but i wouldn't want to come home to find photos of random people all over the place, keep your personal stuff personal and communal, communal.

I have lived in houses with photos around before, which were there before I moved in and it was always 'their' house, which doesnt work well for house sharing.

Thanks Doop, I was beginning to think that myself!

HardyEustace

Doop wrote: »

This is such a guy v's girl thing here, its easy to work out which posters are which. Personally i share and our sitting room is very bare, but i wouldn't want to come home to find photos of random people all over the place, keep your personal stuff personal and communal, communal.

I have lived in houses with photos around before, which were there before I moved in and it was always 'their' house, which doesnt work well for house sharing.

I really agree with this. I absolutely HATE clutter and it would drive me insane to have someone else's crap in a communal area.

I don't think the OP is in the least bit out of order.

readyletsgo

I agree, photos of people you dont know in the communal sitting room is not on. If they were of her with friends thats ok with me, but of strangers....

I live with a girl at the moment, 2bed townhouse, she has so much CRAP around the place and in storage in the house its unreal, all my stuff is in my room except for my telly thats in the sitting room, but I dont give a **** and I stay in my room most of the time as she just watches a lot of E! all day and records everything else so watches a lot of telly. I'm just going to keep the peace and get the hell away from her in the summer. I want my deposit back but thats a different story altogether lol

Sharing sucks sometimes/alot of times and you just might be best to just get on with it and save a deposit for your place in the future I guess :-)

D3PO

if people want to be control freaks and want exclusive control on what goes where in a communal space then the fact is it wont work.

if you have an issue with somebody putting photos in a sitting room in a house SHARE then you shoudl be living on your own.

If you chose to share with somebody then you have to put up with the fact you dont have the right to control things.

ztoical

D3PO wrote: »

if people want to be control freaks and want exclusive control on what goes where in a communal space then the fact is it wont work.

It works both ways, I would never put anything in a communal space in a house share without saying it to the others in the house first.

D3PO wrote: »

if you have an issue with somebody putting photos in a sitting room in a house SHARE then you shoudl be living on your own.

If you chose to share with somebody then you have to put up with the fact you dont have the right to control things.

Again works both ways, the housemate has placed her items up without saying anything and according to the OP left no room for her to do the same. If you were sharing a house and arrived home to find a housemate had used all the cupboard space in the kitchen for their plates and food you wouldn't say O well I've no right to control things. No you'd speak to the housemate about the issue. It doesn't sound like the OP is trying to control things but more like she just would like to have been informed the photos were going up and not to arrived home to it.

D3PO

ztoical wrote: »

It works both ways, I would never put anything in a communal space in a house share without saying it to the others in the house first.



Again works both ways, the housemate has placed her items up without saying anything and according to the OP left no room for her to do the same. If you were sharing a house and arrived home to find a housemate had used all the cupboard space in the kitchen for their plates and food you wouldn't say O well I've no right to control things. No you'd speak to the housemate about the issue. It doesn't sound like the OP is trying to control things but more like she just would like to have been informed the photos were going up and not to arrived home to it.

dont confuse thoughtfullness on your behalf with what should be done. If I was sharing a house I wouldnt think twice about asking to put a photo up, likewise I wouldnt expect it in return.

your example about the cupboards doesnt work. The OP doesnt have an issue that they cant put up photos they have a problem that the photos are up period.

fair enough if the op wants to put up pictures and theres no room then by all means say it and ask for some room, similar to how you would say it if all the cupboard space was taken up. Howver again I stress this isnt the OP's issue

D3PO

ztoical wrote: »

but more like she just would like to have been informed the photos were going up and not to arrived home to it.

and whats the point in that ? Lets assume the housemate did this. Hey OP Im going to put some photos up in the sitting room is that ok ?

Are you trying to suggest that the OP shoulD be able to respond No ? :rolleyes:

whats next ? are you going to tell me that the TV in the communal room will need permission to have a program turned on because one of the other housemates mightnt like it ? Because thats essentially the same thing.

ztoical

D3PO wrote: »

and whats the point in that ? Lets assume the housemate did this. Hey OP Im going to put some photos up in the sitting room is that ok ?

Are you trying to suggest that the OP shoulD be able to respond No ? :rolleyes:

whats next ? are you going to tell me that the TV in the communal room will need permission to have a program turned on because one of the other housemates mightnt like it ? Because thats essentially the same thing.

Did I say ask? no I said tell there is a difference. Communal areas effect everyone who uses them. I assume both the OP and the housemate pay rent and paid deposits, the OP has not stated if the photos are standing on a surface or hanging on the wall, I would expect a housemate to say it to the rest of the housemates if they were planning on hanging photos that required nails to be put into the wall as that could effect the deposit. Saying it to the your house mates before hand is just manners and also gives them the chance to point out any issues [like holes in the wall] before you go doing it. If your sharing a space it is nice to know what's going on in it. If I arrived home to a house share to find someone else had decorated a communal space without saying anything I'd be a little taken a back.

And with the TV example, I've often shared a house were we all had very different tv tastes, we wouldn't ask premission but would certainly say to the others that I'd be watching my program at x time and vice versa. I wouldn't see it as 'asking permission' and more as showing some common courtesy.

reprazant

I have to say that I agree with the OP.

People talk about sharing and control, but the communal area is a shared area. If I wanted to put paintings of mine up on the walls in a shared area, I would ask if it was ok. I wouldn't just throw them up on all the walls thinking that it was fine.

I would also be somewhat uncomfortable with a sitting room covered in someone elses photos. It would make me feel as if I am a visitor in my own home.

I find it hard to understand peoples reasoning that as she is paying rent, and she lives there, she can up what she wants, without needing to pay the common courtesy of asking if the other person living there was fine with it. In that case, the Op can also take down anything if she wants, which is not the case either.

OP, I would talk to her about it. You have to be comfortable in your own home.

D3PO

ztoical wrote: »

Did I say ask? no I said tell there is a difference. Communal areas effect everyone who uses them. I assume both the OP and the housemate pay rent and paid deposits, the OP has not stated if the photos are standing on a surface or hanging on the wall, I would expect a housemate to say it to the rest of the housemates if they were planning on hanging photos that required nails to be put into the wall as that could effect the deposit. Saying it to the your house mates before hand is just manners and also gives them the chance to point out any issues [like holes in the wall] before you go doing it. If your sharing a space it is nice to know what's going on in it. If I arrived home to a house share to find someone else had decorated a communal space without saying anything I'd be a little taken a back.

And with the TV example, I've often shared a house were we all had very different tv tastes, we wouldn't ask premission but would certainly say to the others that I'd be watching my program at x time and vice versa. I wouldn't see it as 'asking permission' and more as showing some common courtesy.

you know what i totally agree with this. But common courtesy isnt the OP's issue.

Their issue is that the stuff is up, not that they didnt say they were doing it. So Im sorry but the OP is totally out of line to ask her to remove these.

lslola wrote: »

I Am i out of line to ask her to remove these? ....

reprazant

You wouldn't have an issue if you came home and the sitting room was covered with family/friends/other photos from a house mate?

It would make me feel as if I was in their place, not one that we both shared.

I would be of the opinion that you put personal photos in your bedroom since that is your own personal space, but communal areas are shared spaces. To cover an shared space like that is like you extending your personal space to include this shared space.

I doubt the OP would mind if it were only a couple of pictures, but seemingly it is every bit of available space which has been taken up with the photos.

lslola wrote: »

Dont get me wrong I dont have a problem with a photo here or there...I think the fact that there is so many and that they just sprung up over night has rubbed me up the wrong way.

A few of you have suggested me putting up photos-Theres no room left!!

I find it quite strange that other people would not have an issue with this.

D3PO

reprazant wrote: »

You wouldn't have an issue if you came home and the sitting room was covered with family/friends/other photos from a house mate?

It would make me feel as if I was in their place, not one that we both shared.

No I wouldnt have an issue with it.

Like I said if the OP wanted to put up some personal pictures and the problem was there was no room then say it, thats not the issue the issue is the OP doesnt want them having these pictures up.

Honestly what do you or the OP do in your sitting room ? Watch TV, maybe read a book, chat to friends when their over.

You would swear photos are intrusive and in your face.

Somebody who feels uncomfortable isnt compatible with living with housemates that is the simple fact.

reprazant

Fair enough. I completely disagree and have never lived in a shared place where one of the housemates felt the need to cover the sitting room in their own personal photos.

Paintings and other art have gone up, with permission of course, there has never been a problem with that but to cover a communal area with personal photos? No, never. There has been photos of the housemates together but that's about it. And to cover the sitting room in them without asking? That is just bizarre and really quite rude, imo.

To say that if you do not think that it is perfectly fine that someone can cover a communal area with their own personal photos, without asking, you are therefore not compatible with living with housemates is a ridiculous statement.

I would say that someone who does that is not used to living with other housemates because it is not the done thing, especially not when you have not asked permission for the other housemate(s).

ztoical

D3PO wrote: »

You would swear photos are intrusive and in your face.

Somebody who feels uncomfortable isnt compatible with living with housemates that is the simple fact.

I think it's unfair to say that someone who doesn't like having one persons personal items in a communal area isn't compatible with living with a housemate. I've shared with dozens of different people over the years and have never had a housemate put such personal items up in a communal space. I would feel uncomfortable about it as I would worry about them being broken. People are always saying that Landlords should not leave any furniture they really value in a rented property as tennants aren't going to respect it to the same length that the LL would. I would say the same for housemates, don't leave personal items in communal areas for risk of it being damaged. Not saying that every house share is wild parties but even with the best of housemates I've found items in communal spaces are more likely to be damaged then in your own space.

Depending on the size of the sitting room, layout of furniture and the placement of the photos they can be intrusive and can make you feel like your not welcome in that space. Not everyone is into photos, I'm not, don't have any up in my personal or communal space of my flat and my family in general aren't, can't think of any close family member who has alot of photos up. Some people love photos and put them up everywhere. It's not a case of people being incompatible but the usual thing you have with house shares of making compromises.

D3PO

ztoical wrote: »

IIt's not a case of people being incompatible but the usual thing you have with house shares of making compromises.

and that works both ways.

Im not into photos either. Christ I still havent developed my debs photos from 15 years ago !

That said I wouldnt have an issue with somebody wanting to make a living area less sterile by adding pictures.

As I said before if anybody is honest how much time do people spend in a living room thats not looking at a book, tv or another persons face ? To call photos an intrustion is a massive exaggeration.

lostaccount

I agree with the OP, personal photos of family and friends should not be put up in common areas without asking the other roommates first. I wouldn't want to be greeted by photos of their family and friends everytime I went into the room. And while I might be doing other things in the living room like watching tv or reading a book, I still have peripheral version so I would still notice them.

I think that there is such a divided response shows that its not ok to just presume that your roommate will be ok with it.

I would ask the roommate to agree that we keep the personal photos out of the common areas but suggest maybe each putting frames with favourite postcards or something to make the place more homely!

ztoical

D3PO wrote: »

As I said before if anybody is honest how much time do people spend in a living room thats not looking at a book, tv or another persons face ? To call photos an intrustion is a massive exaggeration.

If I'm honest quite a bit as I sometimes have work that I need to do on the table in the living room. Like I said in my last post depending on the size of the room, how its arranged and where the photos are placed, it can or can not be an intrustion. Anyone whose every done any interior design study knows that you can create focal points depending on the layout and how the eye is drawn around the room. So someone just plonking photos around might accidentally create tangants with other objects in the room and it can be distracting when your trying to watch tv and as the photos aren't yours you might not feel comfortable moving them.

I have friends who really get creeped out by photos and one has to turn all her OHs photos around when they are sleeping at his as she just finds the photos looking at her freak her out. Some people might think she's just being stupid but everyone is different.

rabbit.84

I sounds like it more to do with the room mate taking over the sitting room than the actual pictures. My room mate lived in our house a year before the rest of us moved in and she acts like she owns the place which drives me mad.

readyletsgo

rabbit.84 wrote: »

I sounds like it more to do with the room mate taking over the sitting room than the actual pictures. My room mate lived in our house a year before the rest of us moved in and she acts like she owns the place which drives me mad.

This is very common and sound about right, nothing to do with the photos up, its the taking over of the communal sitting room.
I moved into a place a while ago and there was one girl who was there the longest, and acted like she owned the place, thank god it was a big place so we all stayed in our rooms after a while.

pikachucheeks

I can understand why the OP would feel a bit strange about it.

The living room is a communal area and it's for everyone who lives in the house. If one person is going to put photographs of their family, them with their friends in there, it might make others feel like they're not welcome in the room / house or that they're living under someone else's roof.

I'm sure she wasn't putting the photographs up to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but she probably should have asked first.

I became good friends with one of my housemates and we had photos of us together on the walls of our rooms with other friends etc, but we didn't put any in the communal areas because we felt it would have been unfair on our other housemate we weren't as close to. It's her house as well and we wouldn't have wanted to make anyone feel like they weren't welcome.

007IRE

if you both rent then you both own the apartment so she has every right to put up photos just like you can.

Mint Sauce

007IRE wrote: »

if you both rent then you both own the apartment so she has every right to put up photos just like you can.

Am sure the OP and their housemate have resolved it by now.

Janey_Mac

I think objecting to her having *any* personal photos up is overreacting.

However, though it's not the sort of thing there are hard and fast rules about, it is presumptuous in a shared house/apartment to put *too* much of your own touch on a shared living space. It's something people should be aware of and sensitive about; in the last house I shared the housemates had lived there a while and had colonised the shared living spaces with their things; I felt like it was their place. (We got a new place all together a year ago; problem solved.)

You could tell her you think putting up photos is a great idea but there's not a lot of space left, could she move a few of them to her room so you can put your pictures up?

Victor

007IRE wrote: »

if you both rent then you both own the apartment so she has every right to put up photos just like you can.

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