I'm having an affair with my best friends wife.

LegacyUser

It all started about a year ago when myself and my friends wife became Facebook friends. I work with a computer so always have Facebook on in the background, so we started chatting from time to time.

The conversations were always a little risky in that we would talk about sexual preferences and what not, but to be honest I never really saw it as more than what it was. Whenever we would meet up we would always be hugging and messing around with each other. I always got the vibe that she liked me a little bit more than friends but I would never dare cross a line as it was my friends wife... until about 3 months ago.

She rings me telling me she has just gotten into a hugh fight with her husband and would like to meet me to talk about it. So I pick her up and we go for a drive and everything is fine. I invite her back to my house to watch a video to calm her down and she agrees. So we get to my house and before I have closed the door she is all over me, kissing me and rubbing my crotch from the outside. At first I resisted, but between the year of flirting and the sexual tension between the two of us, I was warn down. Trust me I am not proud of myself.

Anyway, she stays the night and the next day she goes back to my friend. I try to put the whole thing out of my mind, but she keeps on messaging me all these dirty messages about the night in question and a month later, I am seduced again.

So at this point I have realise that I am the biggest AHole in the world and for about the last month or so I have been trying to put an end to this, but here in lies the problem, she wont let me out of it. She is now blackmailing me saying that I can just stop it or she will tell my friend everything and make it look like I was the instigator. She has chat histories to prove it, but they are all taken out of context. And to throw petrol on the fire, I have met someone new and things are getting serious.

How can I get out of this affair, I know I made a mistake so please don't be too judgemental.

Oryx

The first thing you can do is stop the woe-is-me she-made-me-do-it attitude. You slept with her because you wanted to. She didnt make you, nor did anyone else. So at least have the decency to own that decision. Your claims that you didnt want to really, but sure, you were worn down, ring hollow. And certainly will cut no ice with anyone else should this get out.

Your only choice is to cut contact with this woman completely. If she carries out her threat, then so be it. Though considering the fallout there would be for her too, she may not tell anyway.

ztoical

StupidAhole wrote: »

I am seduced again.

Hi OP I'm not going to judge you for your actions but you do need to get out of this mind set. It takes two to cheat so none of this I was seduced crap. You can't move on with your own life while your stuck in this situation so your going to have to come clean to your friend and be ready to loose his friendship. You've already betrayed him by sleeping with his wife so lets be honest your not much of a friend to him. Put aside her actions, those were her choices and she'll need to deal with the fall out of the affair with her husband.

You could cut contact with both her and the husband without saying anything but chances are she will twist the tale around so come clean and then walk away.

liah

Why did you go along with her in the first place, OP?

Be honest with your best mate. If you were him, and he were you, wouldn't you want to know? Does your best mate deserve to be with someone so manipulative? I don't think anyone does.

He will hate you for it if you do tell him, but chances are he's going to find out either way, and he'll hate you even more if he finds it out from someone else.

If you don't tell him yourself, I can almost guarantee it will get back to him, and god only knows what version of the story he'd've heard by that point. At least if you speak to him first, you get a little bit of damage control.

As for the woman, she's throwing a temper tantrum and is better off ignored.

Rough seas ahead for you by the sounds of it. Good luck.

Squiggler

You need to be the first to tell your friend.

He has a right to know what happened and it would be best that he hears it from you. It is very unlikely that the "lady" will tell him, but if she does you can be sure she will not admit to even being seduced, and you don't want to find your best friend is insisting that she reports your "sexual assault" of her to the gardai.

You will probably lose the friendship in the end no matter what you do, but you're not going to be able to get on with your life if you don't end this affair.

You made a mistake, repeating it will ruin your life. Best of luck

LegacyUser

Funny that you only recently realized your an ahole! You chatted to her inappropriately behind your friends back. Then you sleep with her. Then instead of ending it, you still receive her texts and you sleep with her again....this is not just her fault. You have your part to play. So now that you are trying to end it, you need to face up to the consequences of your actions and realize that your friend deserves better then her and you.
My advice would be to tell the husband exactly what happened. That you and his wife were disloyal to him, and let him decide what he wants to do with that.
But because you seem to want to try and get away with it, advise her that you have found someone else, and you dont want her anymore. I doubt she will go to her husband. Why would she? She would shoot herself in the foot. You are her confidence boost, she sounds like she can walk all over you, and that must be so fun for her. Grow a pair, and tell her to stop, take her off your facebook, change your number if you have too, just get her out of your life, for your friends sake at least. If she goes to her husband, then you have to accept that you made a mistake and you will face the consequences!

Goodluck

Bottle_of_Smoke

He's not your best mate. You wouldn't do that to him if he was.

I'd bet any money you knew where this was going when you took her for a drive and invited her to watch a video ''to calm her down''

So just tell him the truth. Get on with the new relationship. Don't try and sugar coat your involvement. People see through that and it is infuriating when people attempt it

Beruthiel

StupidAhole wrote: »

I am seduced again.

Accept responsibility for your actions. You allowed yourself to be seduced.

She is now blackmailing me saying that I can just stop it or she will tell my friend everything and make it look like I was the instigator.

Call her bluff.
After all, you're friend is going to find out one way or another eventually. Whither it's your fault or hers (you are equally to blame in my opinion), he is going to want nothing to do with either of you.
The day you started an affair with your best friends wife, was the day you lost him as a friend.
If you were truly ever his friend, you would never have done this to him.
So, tell her to go ahead and tell him what ye have been doing.

Elle Collins

StupidAhole wrote: »

It all started about a year ago when myself and my friends wife became Facebook friends. I work with a computer so always have Facebook on in the background, so we started chatting from time to time.

The conversations were always a little risky in that we would talk about sexual preferences and what not, but to be honest I never really saw it as more than what it was.

OP, you seem to think that what you did wrong began the night you slept with her. It didn't. It began the day you started swapping inappropriate messages on facebook. Funny, this is the second hassle I've read of beginning on facebook today...

I'm just pointing this out to you because you seem to think this came out of the blue. It didn't, and I'm quite sure you'd see that more clearly if this was YOUR wife we were talking about.

As to how you're going to get out of this, there's only one way to do that: Tell her to fcukoff, and tell her that there are two sides to every story and if she's happy to tell hers she can be quite sure you'll be happy to tell yours also.

sbsquarepants

These things have a habbit of coming back to bite you in the arse. You're probably going to have to face the consequences and that's just how it is. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you aren't the victim, you knew well what you were doing. Now man up and accept responsibility for what you have done.
Video to calm her down? Don't make me laugh! If my mates wife rang me up to tell me they'd had a fight and could i come get her, i'd tell her to f'uck off and to kindly not involve me in their private business, that's what you should have done. You didn't because you knew where it would lead, plain and simple.

LegacyUser

OP, in my experience the threats are empty, she won't tell her hubby, particularly if she is financially reliant on him. There might be a chance she will tell him if they break up eventually.

I would distance yourself from your "mate" (he's hardly that now) and the girl.

LighterGuy

+1 to the replies above.
But apart from that op this is a situation where you have to be smart and think things through. Shes blackmailing you. So... look at the various outcomes:

• B]continue[/B You still go along with it. Continuing to blackmail you. Its eventually going to come out and she'll still twist it on you when it does. Besides not to mention you are with someone new. (this is playing with fire in mulitiple aspects)
• B]call[/B Call her bluff as other users say. Just say its over and thats that. Will she come clean saying she cheated knowing what shes done so far? Highly unlikely. What if she twisted it all on you? but by revealing cheating she'll be shooting herself in the foot (remember that) ...
• [come clean] you can come clean to the mate. I reckon she will still twist things on you. But you have pre-emptive, which will take away alot of what she could say.

You definitely cant continue. We all know that. The right thing to do would be come clean. But if you dont wanna endure that you can just call her bluff and just avoid her and her husband.
All I can say is she is bluffing. Thats not to say it wont get revealed one day. But she is not going to go up to her husband and reveal all. It is however likely you may have to deal with this one day.

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

He's not your best mate. You wouldn't do that to him if he was.

This is correct. Your no friend of his. He is better off not knowing you or seeing you again ever. Really, his life will be better without best friends hitting on his wife or girlfriend

What does it matter if his wife says anything to him

LegacyUser

Guys I already feel guilty about this. There are extenuating circumstances that I can not describe here. This girl was not just someone I fancied, she was my friend. We didn't just talk about sex, but we also shared our lives with each other.

I never intended for this to happen and the accusation that I some how set it up is a harsh statement. While I may have developed feeling for this girl, when she made her initial move I pushed her away and I have been pushing her away for a year. You are all so confident that you would all act appropriately, but I wonder if you were really put in the same situation how you would react. I would have thought I would never do that and said the same to anyone who did too, so please get down from your high horses.

The guy still is my friend, and I don't want him to find out about this because I believe it will hurt him too much. If I just stop contact with him, it will become obvious something is up.

I have nobody to talk to about this, and I came here for advice, not to be judged. I know I made a mistake, I am trying to end that mistake now.

People keep saying about karma, as in it will come back to haunt me, but the fact of the matter is we only think that because of movies and tv shows. In reality people have affairs that die out all the time. She is only recently acting strange about it. I know she doesn't want to lose my friend either, but she wants the best of both worlds. I just need a way to tell her its over so we can all just go back to being friends.

AJG

StupidAhole wrote: »

I just need a way to tell her its over so we can all just go back to being friends.

This will never happen. Cut contact or man up and tell your 'mate' your side of the story.

Oryx

You came here for advice, and that is what you are getting. The fact that it is sometimes harsh advice comes with the territory.

Dont you realise things can never go back to the way they were? Not with this woman now threatening you? Sure, in an ideal world people have affairs and part as friends, nothing is ever said or told about it. It does happen, you are right. But hell, man, it sure doesnt look like this girl is going to accept that now.

LegacyUser

dont think people are judging, saying you are no mate of his is more of a statement of fact.

Your actions and words show who you for who you are, if not to this man yet but to yourself, you must know this.

As has been said, best bite the bullet and man up tell this man you slept with his wife a few times. Might be hard, but then its done and everyone can move on.

Alternative is for everyone to continue to live a lie and you living in fear of being found out.

Darlughda

I honestly don't know if you are a genuine innocent who is utterly clueless about what is dodgy and what isnt in interpersonal relationships, but you are coming across as someone who seems either downright foolish and/or utterly avoidant of responsibility of your own life and actions.

First off...engaging in intimate chat with someone about SEX is cheating. Its a betrayal. It started there.

Secondly. You have lousy taste in women.

• She is married
• She is married to your so-called 'best mate'
• She is behaving like an absolute weapon and is toxic stuff if she is resorting to blackmail.

If you are the innocent you claim to be, look at this as a severe learning experience.

greengiant09

it sounds like you don't want to face up to the consequences of your actions which shows a lack of real remorse tbh. most decent people would own up if they made a mistake but you're just concerned with saving your own skin. even though i don't believe in karma, when you fock over people like what you did....and when you eventually get caught, you're going to be far from popular and be vilified.

despite all this, the only way i can see out is if you call her bluff....otherwise fess up and face the music. you'll come out a lot better than if your 'friend' found out from his wife. she sounds like a psycho by the way.

Beruthiel

StupidAhole wrote: »

The guy still is my friend, and I don't want him to find out about this because I believe it will hurt him too much.

You seem to think that waving a magic wand will fix it all. It won't.
The out come you want will not happen. Right now you seem to be in denial of that fact.
I find it unconscionable that you seem to still think you are this mans friend.
Who would want a friend like that?

You are all so confident that you would all act appropriately, but I wonder if you were really put in the same situation how you would react

Me personally. I have a set of rules for myself.
Lines I could/would never cross.
This is because if I did, I would loose all self respect. I would find that unbearable to live with. I know myself very well.

You had many chances to nip this relationship in the bud, you chose not to. Please accept that about yourself.

As for the magic wand. There isn't one. Face up to this problem like a man now and deal with it accordingly. At least do that much for your 'friend'.
There are no other magic solutions.

not yet

I'd nearly believe your taking the piss only you sound like a ........

jesus how can you call this guy a mate never mind a best mate.

sun_moon_stars

Why were you flirting with her on facebook in the first place? That shouldnt have happened you should have stopped it right there from the first flirty message but you didnt, it kept going and now that you have met a girl you are serious about you want to end the affair.
Not once did you think about your friend. How would you feel if he was sending flirty messages to your girlfriend? I dont think you would see that as having a laugh. And when they had a fight she came to you. What you should have done there was tell her your not getting involved but you didnt. Dont get me wrong she is to blame for this as much as you because it seems to me that she knew exactly what she was doing and you fell for it because you couldn't control yourself. This will never return to normal the friendship you had is over because you will never be able to meet up with them together without feeling guilty or under threat that you will be blackmailed best thing to do is man up and tell your friend because he deserves better from you and his wife or you could run off with you tail between your legs and ignore them but put yourself in his shoes for a minute if you were him would you like to know if your wife is cheating? i think you would he will probably never speak to you again but you cant expect anything else for what you have done

Neyite

she can never be your friend again after this. you can never be his friend after this. by having an affair, it killed the friendship that the three of you had. you are left with a mess of lies, betrayl, cheating, and blackmail.

seriously, do you really think that you and her and him and your new girlfriend can all hang out like nothing ever happened? its real life, and real people, not Eastenders.

.

Lux23

Call her bluff, she has more to lose than you. Shes taking the piss out of you mate, I know that kind of woman a mile off and i bet your not the first one she has seduced.

LegacyUser

Been_There wrote: »

OP, in my experience the threats are empty, she won't tell her hubby, particularly if she is financially reliant on him

Why are people berating him over the act(s). It's done, yeah, he flirted, yeah, he went to bed with her, he maybe sorry, be maybe is just trying to get away with a clean arse. Either way, he logged on here for advice, not a bollickin.

OP, have you time off work left? Can you take unpaid leave? Maybe it's time to disappear for a month.

pwd

Tell your former friend yourself. Give him the straight facts. Dont try to excuse yourself, but dont underplay her culpability or he might end up forgiving her if she tries the victim card. She sounds potentially very dangerous. Possibly could make all sorts of allegations about you to defend herself or spite you. By coming clean without any agenda you make it a lot harder for her to do that. Dont try to stay friends with him. It would be disrespectful to think you could still be friends, and cause him to despise you, rather than merely hate you.

dan_d

There's entire religions that embrace Karma as a concept you know....it's not just "movies and TV shows"......

Around here, it's otherwise known as "what goes around, comes around".

Honestly, you can't just tell her it's all over and go back to being friends. That's never going to happen. Affairs don't die out. I will admit, she's deeply in the wrong here too (she's the one that's married), but you do have the ability to say no.

Anyway. You're here now, and what to do. As others have said, you need to either tell your friend, or call her bluff. DON'T keep going along with her, you're just giving her more ammunition. The longer this goes on, the worse it will be when it comes out (and it will come out, one way or the other. Human nature)

I think you also need to reconcile yourself to the fact that you are probably going to lose your friend. The only possible way to lessen that would be for you to tell him yourself, firstly, and secondly, to tell him what she's been doing. Even still, I doubt he'll want to know you anymore.

So there you go. That's it, really. It's your call. But the longer you let it go on, the worse it's going to get, so you could do with making a decision......

sbsquarepants

StupidAhole wrote: »

Guys I already feel guilty about this. There are extenuating circumstances that I can not describe here. This girl was not just someone I fancied, she was my friend. We didn't just talk about sex, but we also shared our lives with each other..

Extenuating circumstances, jesus christ will you listen to yourself! And she wasn't your friend, as i'm sure you can see now.

I never intended for this to happen and the accusation that I some how set it up is a harsh statement. While I may have developed feeling for this girl, when she made her initial move I pushed her away and I have been pushing her away for a year.

You did set it up, be a man and accept that. You didn't do a very good job of pushing her away now did you!

You are all so confident that you would all act appropriately, but I wonder if you were really put in the same situation how you would react.

I am now, because i love who i'm with. If i was single it would depend, but simple fact remains, if he was really a friend you wouldn't consider it, so stop pretending he is, or more to the point stop pretending you are his friend, and while we're on the subject, lets face facts she's not much of a wife either. Basically, your "friend" would be better off without you both!

The guy still is my friend, and I don't want him to find out about this because I believe it will hurt him too much. If I just stop contact with him, it will become obvious something is up.

I think the word you're looking for there is "me"

I have nobody to talk to about this, and I came here for advice, not to be judged. I know I made a mistake, I am trying to end that mistake now..

No, you're trying to end it at no cost to yourself, by portraying yourself as a victim of some kind of relentless predator. It's quite pathetic to be honest. You are responsible for your actions, nobody else!

People keep saying about karma, as in it will come back to haunt me, but the fact of the matter is we only think that because of movies and tv shows. In reality people have affairs that die out all the time. She is only recently acting strange about it. I know she doesn't want to lose my friend either, but she wants the best of both worlds. I just need a way to tell her its over so we can all just go back to being friends.

Yea people do have affairs all the time and get away with them sometimes and that's their own business, if that's how they want to live. But by coming on here and portraying yourself as the victim, what you've done is show your true colours, and in my opinion they aren't very flattering. If you'd come on here and said "i'm in love with my friends wife, what will i do" i'd say go for it. All's fair in love and war, and all that. But that's not what you did, so it's not what i'm saying.
Stop weaselling and accept what you've done. You may get away with it, you may not, to be honest i don't really care, but i do care that you're portraying yourself as the victim when you quite clearly are not. You are not his blokes best friend or anything like it. That's my take on this whole affair.

Cheeky_gal

StupidAhole wrote: »

Guys I already feel guilty about this.

You wouldn't have slept with her a second time if that was the case.

StupidAhole wrote: »

I never intended for this to happen and the accusation that I some how set it up is a harsh statement. While I may have developed feeling for this girl, when she made her initial move I pushed her away and I have been pushing her away for a year.

Didn't you have sex with her twice?

StupidAhole wrote: »

You are all so confident that you would all act appropriately, but I wonder if you were really put in the same situation how you would react.

No you're wrong, majority of people would never even consider sleeping with their best mates wife.

StupidAhole wrote: »

I would have thought I would never do that and said the same to anyone who did too, so please get down from your high horses.

You came on here looking for advice, just because you may not like it does not give you the right to say the above to the posters (who let's face it are just saying it as it is). Just accept the fact that what you did was extremely f*cked up. If any of my mates did that to their mates spouse then let's just say he'd be cut off from the circle completely.

StupidAhole wrote: »

The guy still is my friend, and I don't want him to find out about this because I believe it will hurt him too much.

Cut the BS he's not your mate and you certainly don't deserve his friendship. Of course it will hurt him, and sure when he finds out he'll more than likely attend counscilling to help him overcome his hurt/anger. Let's face it you're a lousy mate and a coward end of. Be a man and 1) either cut contact with his wife or 2) tell him the truth and let him be the one to decide if he wants to forgive you or not.

Sorry if I've come across harsh but why go on a forum looking for advice to just throw it back in people's faces when they are merely just stating the obvious and giving you advice which you don't want to hear? Time to act a real man OP

consultech

So basically OP you're saying you've now found your conscience coincidentally around the same time that it could all blow up in your face? Curious that.

All the hands-clean references you're making are all BS. Calling yourself an "Ahole" seems to the most self-criticism you can muster. I reckon you've got bigger problems to worry about than this situation tbh.

My advice would be to either go to your mate first, or call her bluff. You'll be doing neither for the right reasons at this point though, as you would've went to him long ago if you were. This thread should've been up when you were flirting on facebook.

tbh

I think you should ask your friends wife what you should do - seeing as she makes the decisions for you.

By the way - it's not the finding out bit that's going to hurt your mate. It's the "best mate" fcuking his wife part. And that's already happened.

You did what you did. You could have stopped it, and you chose not too. That's fine. Stop whining about how you couldn't help it - of course you could have helped it. You made a bad decision in the heat of the moment, but you made a decision. Own it. Tell the wife to tell her husband. She's bluffing. Tell her if she contacts you again, you'll tell her husband yourself - and mean it. you can use your new relationship as an excuse to drift from your mate.
There's two potential outcomes here.

One is you continuing to lie to your mate, humiliating him and having everyone think you're a nice guy.



the second is you putting your mates welfare above your own and being prepared, honestly, to tell your mate the truth if his wife doesn't drop it. If she doesn't, you tell her husband the truth, everyone thinks you're a dick, but your mate is able to get on with his life. Personally, I don't think you've the stones for this option. I don't know if you'll shag your mates wife again, but I think the most important thing to you now is to protect your reputation.

You can choose to save your mate or save yourself.

your decision.

LegacyUser

dan_d wrote: »

Affairs don't die out.

They do. Every day, every week, every part of the country. They start, people fall in love, people fook people they shouldn't in mad places, and most of them die out.

LegacyUser

OP,

First of all, I couldn't agree more with what you wrote in your last post in reference to most of the people here being judgemental of both you, and your situation. I personally do not believe that most of the people here, if faced with a similiar situation, would be able to follow through on their self-proclaimed moralities, and be able to defy the feelings which lead you to finding yourself in this situation. I think that in a situation like this, persepective is everthing when forming an opinion, and it certainly is much easier to take the perspective of your 'best mate', empathise with him, and consequently form the opinion that you are nothing but an assh*le, based on the anger and hurt one might feel in his position.

What people seem to be less inclined to do however, is to try and see past that perspective for a moment for the puposes of determining what exactly the reasons that would cause someone to do what you did. Also, it appears that when confronted with a woman such as you describe, some men are stronger than others, or more capable than others at countering the laws of attraction, and forcing themselves not to follow through on emotions of attraction, care, love, sexual tension, whatever. But just because you were not strong enough, (and admit it, you werent) to put your foot down and say no to the excitement of flirting with this woman over facebook in the first place, I dont think it makes you an Assh*ole. I also dont think it gives anyone the right to judge you, and to contradict some of the posters here, in my opinion you most certainly ARE being judged here.

I remember hearing a saying a while back, and it said "Never judge another, unless you've stood in their shoes". This I think is a saying which applies very much to your situation.

On your request for advice, It is a difficult one to advise on, because it is an extremely personal situation, the outcome of which I suppose ultimately rests on your ability to reason with her, talk it through, and decide on the appropropriate action together. I do feel however that you need to reason with her. Take her for a drink, talk to her, tell her how you feel about everything, instead of threatning her, or laying down the law. That is the only advice I can give.

Best of luck.

AJG

Non-Judgemental wrote: »

Take her for a drink, talk to her, tell her how you feel about everything, instead of threatning her, or laying down the law.

The way this scenario is playing out if he follows this advice he'll be back on here tomorrow telling us how he couldn't control himself, one thing led to another, it was the drink, etc. etc.

ztoical

Some people on this thread might be judgemental but a greater number are just not sugar coating their advice for the OP. The OP wants a magic time travel button were he goes back to being friends with this guy and his wife and carries on with his own life and his new relationship. That's not going to happen. It's up to him how he goes from here, he can stick his head in the sand, walk away from both the friend and the wife or come clean. Those are the options.

astra2000

StupidAhole wrote: »

. She is only recently acting strange about it. I know she doesn't want to lose my friend either, but she wants the best of both worlds. I just need a way to tell her its over so we can all just go back to being friends.

Sorry op but she wants a different outcome than you do, you cant control her and make her change her mind. Your choices are limited you can do what she wants or you can stop the affair and cut ties with your friend.
You should spend a little less time worrying about strangers on here been judgemental and more on how judgemental your friend would be when he finds out.

coolcat63

Tell you had a ONS between the times you had sex with her and have developed at STI since. Be hugely jocular about it and suggest it might be her or the other woman but that she needs to get tested and tell her husband to do the same.

That should cool her jets.

Moomoo1

to most of the posters on here: don't judge and you shan't be judged

to the OP: the first priority is to tell your new partner about this. He/she should know that there is this woman after you and that things might get 'interesting' with your best friend.

with your friend... you have to tell him I am afraid. He needs to know what his woman is like, it's the most basic of solidarities between guys. If you knew that she slept with some other guy you'd tell him, right?

tbh

Moomoo1 wrote: »

to most of the posters on here: don't judge and you shan't be judged

to the OP: the first priority is to tell your new partner about this. He/she should know that there is this woman after you and that things might get 'interesting' with your best friend.

with your friend... you have to tell him I am afraid. He needs to know what his woman is like, it's the most basic of solidarities between guys. If you knew that she slept with some other guy you'd tell him, right?

It's not about being judgemental, it's about the op lying to himself about the type of person he is. I've defended tonnes of people on here who did what he did, because they didn't portray themselves as a victim

Op - that stuff about the sexy chats on facebook - did you tell your mate about that? Bet not. Cause you knew how he'd react and you knew why. Dud you stop doing it? No, cause you enjoyed it. That's the person you are. This didn't happen to you against your will, you were a willing and active participant in this, and that's because you wanted it to happen. How you deal with that fact defines the type of person you are, not necessarily how you got there. You know what the right thing to do is and yiu know what the Easy thing to Do is. You can call yourself all the names under the sun and you can make all the excuses you want, but words don't really mean anything anymore. Not from the kind of guy who'd sleep with his best mates wife. You know?

LighterGuy

Op,
This aint a judgement post.
You had an affair with your mates wife. Perhaps you were thinking with your head (not the one on your shoulders) or perhaps deep down you didnt care. You did it for either reason. But whats done is done.

Now is the repercussion of what you did. There is an action-reaction to everything. All I can say is this is going to come out. And no not because I believe that "everything gets revealed" - hell no.
Fact is she was having a perlonged affair with her husbands mate. Which means that she is willing to do it with another bloke as well. That "marriage" is going to crumble. And when it does the sh*t will hit the fan.

Obviously no one here knows your mate but if he is even half a man he'll punch you in the face. It aint being harsh but you put yourself in this situation. Now, you have to get yourself out of it.

LegacyUser

Thank you OP, after reading what happened i must admit that you have saved me from a massive mistake. No need to go into it here but suffice to say i need to look at my relationship and work at it and not look elsewhere.

In reply to the OP - Man up, you did a stupid thing on your mate and face facts you knew all too well where this was gonna lead. As above post he has the right to a smack in the mush and you will have to take it.

Oryx

LighterGuy wrote: »

Obviously no one here knows your mate but if he is even half a man he'll punch you in the face. .

If he is even half a man he wont resort to violence.

Please dont promote violence as a solution to anything, it is not permitted here.

LighterGuy

I am not promoting it.
Lets not be too "P.C." - many a man has fought over a woman over the ages. Alot for stupid things :rolleyes:
But one of your best mates sleeping with your wife? Can you honestly say the average guy wouldnt punch someone upon finding that out? What I am saying is this is a possibility that the OP may have to face.


As for MY own personal view since you mentioned violence (albeit slightly off-topic)
I think that alot in life doesnt have to come to violence. I am not a violent man. But if my best friend betrayed me, and in this case more than once, behind my back without even being decent to come clean? ... Would I, or anyone else really be a bad person for punching the best mate? (Im talking about the subject, and not the op)

Mmmoments

OP you were friends with this woman and you both crossed the line and now she is blackmailing you...realise that she is no friend...

She must be messed up and it sounds like she was unhappy in her relationship but she's using you to feed her ego..

Turn this around..if she were a guy doing this it would be clear to everyone that he is selfish, egotisical and commitment phobic running away from his relationship problems instead of facing up to them and dealing with them by talking to his partner. Just because she's a woman doesn't change all these motivations.

Extenuating circumstances or not she needs to cut you out of her life and deal with her husband and their issues. Do yourself, her and him a favour and create the distance for her. Stop the hurt in its tracks before it floods over completely.

There's no right or wrong, just the consequences of your actions.

Big Bag of Chips

Personally, I WOULDN'T tell your "friend".

It's not really your secret to tell - it's hers. If this comes out it's their marriage and family that is going to be broken up, and I honestly believe that that should be HER decision... not yours.

Call her bluff - cut contact. Surely she can't expect there to still be passion between you, and for you to be as interested if you are being forced into it?

Walk away from her - block her number on your phone. Delete her as facebook contact. Don't answer any texts calls etc..

If you really really want to end this, it's easily done. If you don't and you want to continue it (and the woe-is-me line) then you will continue it!

You might be lucky and your friend will never find out (depends on how much she has to lose), or you might be unlucky, get found out and lose a good mate.. although being honest, I can't see how you can continue a friendship with him now with his wife harrassing you like she is. You can hardly call around to the house for dinner and a few drinks anymore, can you?!

Block her. Ignore her. Her marriage is her business - not yours.
Obviously you shouldn't have done what you did - but I don't think it's your place to end their marriage.

Kimia

StupidAhole wrote: »

You are all so confident that you would all act appropriately, but I wonder if you were really put in the same situation how you would react.

Non-Judgemental wrote: »

OP,

I personally do not believe that most of the people here, if faced with a similiar situation, would be able to follow through on their self-proclaimed moralities, and be able to defy the feelings which lead you to finding yourself in this situation.

I have to address this because I see it over and over again on these types of threads and it boils my blood. To both OP and Non-Judgemental - do you not understand or realise that this DOES HAPPEN all the time? These situations come up with everyone, the OP isn't special! So someone (in this instance his mate's wife) came on to him - does the OP think that he's the only man in the world who had someone come on to him?

I have had temptation, my friends have, hell my boyfriend has, and it happens OVER AND OVER again. Throughout the course of a relationship.

What you both don't seem to understand, obvious by your bleating on about how 'if you were in my situation you'd do the same' , is that most people on this board HAVE been in your situation one time or another. It happens! And most people say no. My god I can't believe you honestly think that this hasn't happened to anyone else, or that it's rare or something. It happens all the time, but the difference between you both and the rest of the people on this thread, bar one or two, is that we said no.
:rolleyes::eek:

consultech

Kimia wrote: »

I have to address this because I see it over and over again on these types of threads and it boils my blood. To both OP and Non-Judgemental - do you not understand or realise that this DOES HAPPEN all the time? These situations come up with everyone, the OP isn't special! So someone (in this instance his mate's wife) came on to him - does the OP think that he's the only man in the world who had someone come on to him?

I have had temptation, my friends have, hell my boyfriend has, and it happens OVER AND OVER again. Throughout the course of a relationship.

What you both don't seem to understand, obvious by your bleating on about how 'if you were in my situation you'd do the same' , is that most people on this board HAVE been in your situation one time or another. It happens! And most people say no. My god I can't believe you honestly think that this hasn't happened to anyone else, or that it's rare or something. It happens all the time, but the difference between you both and the rest of the people on this thread, bar one or two, is that we said no.
:rolleyes::eek:

Ok I did come down on the judgemental/moral side of the fence earlier in the thread, but you are right to an extent Kimia. A lot of posters tend to see the PI forum as a high horse to moralise from at people who seek help with regard to failings/dilemmas such as the OP's. You're right, the over-riding majority on here can talk the talk; I wonder how they match up in real life.

Kimia

consultech wrote: »

Ok I did come down on the judgemental/moral side of the fence earlier in the thread, but you are right to an extent Kimia. A lot of posters tend to see the PI forum as a high horse to moralise from at people who seek help with regard to failings/dilemmas such as the OP's. You're right, the over-riding majority on here can talk the talk; I wonder how they match up in real life.

I think you've misread my post... I meant that it's much more common than the OP and others seem to think. All this nonsense about 'you would do the same in my position', well my point is I have been in that position, and I know others that have, and I know my boyfriend has, and none of us have ever cheated. It's a cop out BS argument by someone who feels so guilty they have to try and make everyone out to have made the same mistakes so they don't feel as bad.

astra2000

Kimia wrote: »

What you both don't seem to understand, obvious by your bleating on about how 'if you were in my situation you'd do the same' , is that most people on this board HAVE been in your situation one time or another. It happens! And most people say no. My god I can't believe you honestly think that this hasn't happened to anyone else, or that it's rare or something. It happens all the time, but the difference between you both and the rest of the people on this thread, bar one or two, is that we said no.
:rolleyes::eek:

Exactly kimia. Couldnt have said it better. OP you decided to enter into this affair you could have said no but you choose not to. Stop making excuses admit you were wrong and deal with it properly.

consultech

Kimia wrote: »

I think you've misread my post... I meant that it's much more common than the OP and others seem to think. All this nonsense about 'you would do the same in my position', well my point is I have been in that position, and I know others that have, and I know my boyfriend has, and none of us have ever cheated. It's a cop out BS argument by someone who feels so guilty they have to try and make everyone out to have made the same mistakes so they don't feel as bad.

You're being naive unfortunately. Half of people have cheated at some point or another, and probably 1 in 5 have cheated on their current partner. I wish I had your positive (unrealistic) opinion of people in general though, so carry on.

tbh

consultech wrote: »

Half of people have cheated at some point or another, and probably 1 in 5 have cheated on their current partner..

you've done extensive research on this, I take it, or could this just be a case of you pulling a figure out of the air based on your own personal experience and assuming it fits for everyone else?