Issues with my ex sexual past

LegacyUser

Before I start.. I would prefer if the mods left this in TLL and not move it to PI please.

I am looking for a ladies perspective on this... and it's important to me that the ladies here might be able to help.. but let me explain.

My ex and I are a broken up a few months now. There was a significant age gap between us, and we were deeply in love. We were together 6-7 months, but it felt like 7 wonderful years. We didn't feel there was an age gap; we got on so well and she found me to be very mature for my age. I guess I am.

However, something bothered me. A lot. She being older than me, she had more of a past than I did. When we were first chatting, we talked about our respective pasts. Before her, I had never had a relationship.. my only experience of sex was 3 bad drunken one night stands. She had a few relationships, 2 serious.

Previous to meeting me, she had her first one night stand. She was very drunk, couldn't remember much and as a result didn't enjoy the whole thing. Me trying to be the big man, swapped details of my experiences.. and she did the same. I told her of my disasters, and she told me about her experience. Basically, she slept with him the next morning again and she told me she went on top after he asked. She was still pretty drunk.

To say these details mind fcuked me is a massive understatement. I judged her by my own experiences, thinking it was slutty what she did even though she was incredibly far from it. It played on my mind so much it almost consumed me. She never knew it did. I feel immense guilt for it and still struggle with it.

So the point of this not being in PI I hear you ask! I would like the ladies here to give their own experiences, and more importantly to tell me was I being an idiot and that her experience was not unique?

P.S. Mods, I know this kind of is PI but I would like the ladies to help me out, in the comfort of their lounge!

Wibbs

AladiesPerspective while you may say it's not, this is a PI thread in all but name. Men looking for women's input on such matters is not in the ladies lounge's remit. I understand you're looking for answers and I think you'll get better ones in PI/RI, but I won't move it as you request. If upon reflection you want it moved to PI, either PM one of tLL mods or post another anon post and we'll see it and do that for you. Thanks.


*EDIT* moved by OP request

Contrary to popular belief, women are able to use PI and we don't just exist in the ladies lounge.

Could you explain more what it actually was that bothered you? That she had a one night stand, or morning sex or what??? I don't see anything slutty about the stuff you've mentioned. One night stands can be seen as slutty, and I've never had one myself, but once it's not a serial, going off the rails sort of thing I think it's perfectly fine. She's a consenting adult (I assume?). As long as she's not being reckless a bit of fun is healthy.

Ickle Magoo

It's your ex - does it really matter?

I'm not following what you actually require advice on? A woman you are no longer with had sex with someone before you two got together...

LegacyUser

true-or-false wrote: »

Contrary to popular belief, women are able to use PI and we don't just exist in the ladies lounge.

Could you explain more what it actually was that bothered you? That she had a one night stand, or morning sex or what??? I don't see anything slutty about the stuff you've mentioned. One night stands can be seen as slutty, and I've never had one myself, but once it's not a serial, going off the rails sort of thing I think it's perfectly fine. She's a consenting adult (I assume?). As long as she's not being reckless a bit of fun is healthy.

I know.. it is stupid that I got so worked up. But I judged her going on the common perception of one night stands.. wake up next morning and want to get away. I judged her for having it off again next morning while drunk, probabbly because I didn't have anything similiar experience wise. I thought it was a lessening of standards.. quite pathetic really I know. I just judged her on it, and it tormented me because I knew there was nothing wrong with it, but I still thought less of her while at the same time I loved her more than anyone else on this planet.

It's down to my immaturity tbh, relationship wise. I just need to clear out my head and let someone know without they knowing me. Hence, posting here! I mean, she regretted it, and wished it had not happened but she was just out of a lengthy relationship after being cheated on at the time.

When something stupid builds up in your head for so long and is not addressed properly, it doesn't go away easily!

I'm sure the majority of us these days have experiences of one night stands, and I just want reassurance that I was an idiot for getting so worked up!

As regards why do I care? Because I loved her very much, and don't want my stupidity to be the main thing I remember about what was a wonderful relationship.. that ended due to age gap.

Neyite

if you cant handle the thought of your girlfriend in bed with another man, dont ask her to tell about it, for heavens sake!

why is her having a one night stand deemed slutty by a man who has had triple that amount?

beks101

OP your post confuses me - is it that your girlfriend had a one night stand that you have a problem with, the fact that she 'went on top', or both??

If you think that either of these things quantifies a woman as a 'slut' then you're not living in the real world and need a serious wake-up call. By this logic, how do the three one night stands you've had (and two more than her) define you, or are you unwilling to think outside of some sort of narrow-minded Madonna-Whore complex?

If you can't handle the thought of your girlfriend with other men, you shouldn't have asked. But of course it's too late for that so you're going to have to accept that there are very few women you'll meet who don't have a sexual history. Clearly your girlfriend never made a habit out of sleeping around, but like any other woman on the face of the planet, she has a healthy sex drive, and had a life before she met you.

kylith

Are you actually saying that you think your ex is a terrible slut because she had sex with the man she'd drunkenly pulled the next morning too? That's not weird, or slutty, that's fun.

S23

I know a lot of OP's seem to hate answering this question but it is relevant before I proceed with my thoughts on the matter, How old are you OP? And how old is your ex that she was so significantly older than you?

sporina

why do you need to know this if it is over? It is important that we know this si that we can see where you are coming from. As it stands it seems that you are looking for reassurance that your ex was not a slut - using your words.

From what you have said, I will say that it is ok for a woman to be as sexually active as men. People's sex lives will come in lots of different shapes and forms. There is no hard and fast rule. If you are to have a happy healthy relationship I advise you start to see women as equal i.e. have needs just like men - sexual and otherwise.

Beruthiel

op perspective wrote: »

I just want reassurance that I was an idiot for getting so worked up!

I can reassure you and confirm that you are.

The older you get, the more women you will meet with even longer past histories.

I've always said, if you think you're not going to like the answer, don't ask the question.
Why did you get into the discussion of her past? What business was it of yours to know?
I'm with my fella 11 years. I never asked that question.
I have no interest in the answer and it has nothing to do with our existing relationship.

thinking it was slutty what she did

You had three one night stands.
Can we all conclude that you are a slut?
I believe you have some growing up yet to do before you have another relationship.

silkworm53

OP

Your attitude to women and toward sex in general is disgusting to be quite honest.
You are aware that women like sex much more than men? Anatomy would tell you that - the clitoris contains more nerve endings that any part of the human body and women have multiple orgasms.
Women love sex!:eek:
It's okay for you to have three drunken one night stands is it but not for a woman to have sex with who she likes?
Anyway why do you have to get drunk before you have sex?
This woman has probably slept with lots of guys. So what?
It's the 21st century and women aren't virgins when they marry.
We don't live in Iran where women are buried up to their chests and stoned to death.
Just because you have hang ups and insecurities about sex, it doesn't mean others have to.
You don't own the women you are sleeping with - it's just sex.
It's about time you grew up and copped yourself on or you are going to end up on your own.
What you call 'slutty' is perfectly normal.
A man is a 'legend' because he sleeps with dozens and dozens of women - most guys I know you who actually do that don't go around boasting because they don't need to - they are secure enough to be themselves which is why they attract women and that's why other guys who call women 'sluts' like you scare women off but go around boasting about their make-believe sexual prowess.
A girl a guy like you would have called average or frumpy or unattractive believe it or not is probably far more sexually experienced than you are.
Do you keep a score card or something? For you sex is something totally unnatural.
For the rest of human race sex is fun, natural and abundant.
Maybe you should change you attitude and you might get more of it.

beegirl

So lemme get this straight...

Girl having one-night-stand with guy she isn't TOTALLY repulsed by (demonstrated by follow-up sex the next morning) = Slutty

Man having three one-night-stands with women he was totally repulsed by (i.e. couldn't wait to get away) = Acceptable/Understandable

I see...

LegacyUser

For those of you jumping down my throat.. I never thought she was a slut because I knew she wasn't.

I think it's all down to my immaturity with regards to relationships as some of you have said. Quick to judge.. but not judge myself I guess.

I feel ashamed by it all.. and im still heartbroken months on.. first case of serious love and I let my insecurities implode on me. I based my view on other peoples perceptions and I realise this was wrong..

Your replies make me realise I do need to grow up and realise everyone has a past.. and everybodys past is different. And that no one should be judged by it..

Snoopy1

You still havnt told us your or her age, but judging by your posts you are either very young or incredibly immature.

Everyone has a past, and as you get older you have to deal with it. If its going to upset you, then dont ask the question. My god i would never tell my boyfriends about the positions i got in, when i had one night stands, some things just do not need to be said!!!

hightower1

Neyite wrote: »

why is her having a one night stand deemed slutty by a man who has had triple that amount?

Becuase Neyite, as the now old saying goes....

Having a key that can open many locks is a master key, having a lock that can be opened by many keys ...well thats just a sh***y lock.

Nevyn

hightower1 banned for unhelpful and insulting posting.

Zen65

Snoopy1 wrote: »

You still havnt told us your or her age, but judging by your posts you are either very young or incredibly immature.

+1

OP, you should not have asked questions about your gf's past if you are so judgemental. As Jack Nicholson said - "you can't handle the truth!"

Hopefully you have learned from this mistake, you can move on, and when you find another you'll take them at face value.

Be at peace,

Z

Wompa1

I know you don't want a guys perspective but I'm in a similar situation. I love my g/f very much and before I knew I loved her and we just decided to have an exclusive relationship we talked about our pasts. Unfortunately she went into great detail about the types of sex she's had as well as nationalities of partners and the like.

I'm still with her for over a year and a half but now it constantly plays on my mind. She say's just get over it but it's not that easy for me! I'm trying to but am struggling.

If I have another relationship in my life I won't be asking I can assure you that!! I think given that girls can get it whenever they want and the influence of magazines and tv shows spouting about sexual empowerment for women it's going to be a given unfortunately.

Men get branded as pigs but jaysus women are worse in my opinion.

Kimia

Wompa1 wrote: »

I know you don't want a guys perspective but I'm in a similar situation. I love my g/f very much and before I knew I loved her and we just decided to have an exclusive relationship we talked about our pasts. Unfortunately she went into great detail about the types of sex she's had as well as nationalities of partners and the like.

I'm still with her for over a year and a half but now it constantly plays on my mind. She say's just get over it but it's not that easy for me! I'm trying to but am struggling.

If I have another relationship in my life I won't be asking I can assure you that!! I think given that girls can get it whenever they want and the influence of magazines and tv shows spouting about sexual empowerment for women it's going to be a given unfortunately.

Men get branded as pigs but jaysus women are worse in my opinion.

What do you mean by this?

It's your problem if you have issues with women having a sexual past, not the woman's. Sign of immaturity imo.

Wompa1

Kimia wrote: »

What do you mean by this?

It's your problem if you have issues with women having a sexual past, not the woman's. Sign of immaturity imo.

I never said it wasn't my problem. I said I won't ask anymore.

Kimia

Wompa1 wrote: »

I never said it wasn't my problem. I said I won't ask anymore.

It sounds like you blame women for you feeling insecure, that's my point.

What do you mean by what I bolded?

Wompa1

Kimia wrote: »

It sounds like you blame women for you feeling insecure, that's my point.

What do you mean by what I bolded?

No, you are right that is my problem.

I do think in the age we live in that are more premiscous then maybe 10 years ago. My mother drilled it into me to respect women so I wasn't one to have One Night Stands..I'm pretty regretful that I listened to her because most women these days seem up for ONS and don't see them as guys taking advantage. The whole addage of "I was so drunk" doesn't mean what I thought it did...I thought it meant the guy took advantage but what I've grown to realise is "I was so drunk so I can't be held responsible for what I did"

If I'm ever single again I won't be so up tight and will give it more of a go

Wagon

Wompa1 wrote: »

I know you don't want a guys perspective but I'm in a similar situation. I love my g/f very much and before I knew I loved her and we just decided to have an exclusive relationship we talked about our pasts. Unfortunately she went into great detail about the types of sex she's had as well as nationalities of partners and the like.

I'm still with her for over a year and a half but now it constantly plays on my mind. She say's just get over it but it's not that easy for me! I'm trying to but am struggling.

Easy for her to say. My ex was like that. Pissed me off.

BUT, there is a good way of getting past it. You know a lot of stuff (which isn't good but some people just insist on going into huge amounts of detail, so its can't really be your fault). Rather than focusing on numbers, look at how she went about it. If it was a case where she didn't care if they were married, in relationships, or she cheated on people, this tells a LOT more than a high number. People can have one night stands and be mature about it and have self respect and respect for others. Admittedly, that is hard to find.

If I have another relationship in my life I won't be asking I can assure you that!! I think given that girls can get it whenever they want and the influence of magazines and tv shows spouting about sexual empowerment for women it's going to be a given unfortunately.

No it doesn't. Just because you're a bloke doesn't mean you can't make a few requests. Saying "i dont want to know a thing about your past" and explaining why should be enough for some people. If she still insists on telling you, you can see she has feck all respect for the relationship and you can get out of it early before things get messy. Simple

Men get branded as pigs but jaysus women are worse in my opinion.

Some are and some aren't (its down to the person more than gender) but I certainly see where you are coming from. I never ever tell or hint at my past in any way when im with someone. An ex of mine just "let things slip" and it effectively ruined the relationship over time. I didn't want to know but as soon as you here something, morbid curiosity kicks in and you want to know more.

Is it being insecure? Possibly. But who the hell decided that men needed to be at their peak of mental and physical health at all times. Anyone, male or female, who thinks like that is clearly a fúckin moron with no grasp on human emotion beyond what goes on with a stranger under their sheets. "Insecurity" is thrown around a lot on PI these days and in my opinion, is a massive cop out and helps nobody. You'd swear people here never lacked confidence in their lives.

so my practical advice is look at your partner's past and see how she went about things, not about the numbers. This will tell you a lot more. She doesn't sound like she's really tuned in to what being in a relationship is like anyway. Going into huge detail about your sexual past and then expecting a boyfriend to just "get over it"...id think carefully about it.

LighterGuy

Wagon wrote: »

"Insecurity" is thrown around a lot on PI these days and in my opinion, is a massive cop out and helps nobody. You'd swear people here never lacked confidence in their lives.

Great post Wagon. Top to bottom. The quoted bit tho is so true. People are very quick on these boards to call someone insecure.
The op had a problem and was been called and to quote "I can reassure you and confirm that you are [an idiot]" ... seriously is that the standard of advice members of this board give? ... i mean the user hightower1 got banned for an inappropriate post. But as long as something is phased the right way its not seen as inappropriate? :rolleyes:

The op had a problem. He asked for advice. Does he really deserve to be put down?

The simple truth of life is most people tend to not want to know about their partners sexual history. Its just one of those things that shouldnt be let known. Sometimes it slips out, sometimes it foolishingly gets asked. Give the op a break.
In this case the Op isnt that sexually experienced. She was. That would make any man or woman uncomfortable knowing the huge difference. Maybe that can be chalked up to her being older? or maybe shes just done a bit more? ... either way the op just asked for some advice.

LegacyUser

When my gf told me about her sex before me it put me off her and i thought bad of her. Going out 2 years now and a few months ago i got over it and now it turns me on. Its not insecure but more a shock

28064212

LighterGuy wrote: »

In this case the Op isnt that sexually experienced. She was. That would make any man or woman uncomfortable knowing the huge difference. Maybe that can be chalked up to her being older? or maybe shes just done a bit more? ... either way the op just asked for some advice.

Except the OP's problem wasn't with her being more experienced. It was with her behaviour in one instance, even though he had indulged in that kind of behaviour more often than she had