Sexual Assault

LegacyUser

Male 24 here. small fello. 5'8, 10st.
Basically in my team in work there is a woman, mid 50s, same height and bout 4st heavier than me....

So the whole team, bout 10 of us were in a pub in town on a night out. the pub is packed. and she is drinking shorts to bate the band, getting drunk quicker than everyone else.
Long story short, later in the evening, all of a sudden she decides to sit on my lap, and keeps putting her hand down my tshirt, saying "ooo youre so cute, I love your hairy chest", she keeps touching me and feeling my body, As you can imagine, other people are in bits laughing at this, I am so embarrassed.
Im struggling to get her off me, and I keep grabbing her hands and telling her to stop, and I kinda get aggressive. But I really cant get her off my lap, and at this stage I in a lot of pain, as shes heavy. Shes thinks its kind of a laugh and keeps saying how cute I am. Then one of the lads grabs her by the shoulder and pulls her off. It probably only lasted a minute. But Ive lost the head, mean while most of the pub as still laughing, and her with a big drunken stupid head on her still saying things to me that makes my skin crawl. I went to the toilet to cool off, came back and grabbed my jacket and left, tried not to make a scene.

A few of my friends agree with me, and say I was right to lose it, and she might have deserved a good hard punch... Ive been just thinking to myself, if roles reversed, eg., a mad drunken 50year old old fella touching a 24yo woman and basically on top of her, with hands all over her. Im sure the fokes in the pub wouldnt be laughing, there would be violence and gardi invovled etc...

What should I do? just calm down, laugh it off.
Go to hr in work, or is that just stupid as it happened outside work?
What can a man do?

Mr. Mac

While I have sympathy with u in what happened and agree that if roles were reversed then all hell would break lose - but if you want my advice then I would just laugh it off and forget about it. So many things can happened during work nights out and most people forget about them the next morning. If you do go to HR you will drag it out and keep people talking about it.

You will find my middle of next week it will all be forgotten about. Just make sure you steer clear of her at the next work night out

Silverfish

I would go and have a word with HR if you can. That was a horrible, nasty situation to be in. If you register a complaint now, even if nothing comes of it this time, then at least they have a record of it if this woman tries anything else in future.

And maybe even a word in her ear from HR might teach her the lesson that her behavior was upsetting and completely utterly out of order.

Kimia

That's awful OP, how dare she treat you like that. Don't question your feelings on this one - you are understandibly upset and mortified and she was WAY out of line. I don't think a punch would have gotten you anywhere obviously, but if you want to take it further, have a word with HR. Her behaviour was inappropriate and disgusting tbh and don't feel bad about feeling the way you do, it's totally normal.

Look after yourself and avoid that horrible women at all costs. If she corners you again say very loudly 'leave me alone' and hopefully that'll embarrass her enough to keep her away.

Little Miss Lady

That's disgusting behaviour on your work colleague's part there, what on earth was she thinking, drink or no drink!!

I can understand why your other colleagues thought that it was a laugh at the time with a few drinks but afterwards they may feel differently..

You mention that there's ten of you on the team so it seems like a fairly small team.
If it was me, I'd approach the woman herself first about her behaviour and tell her that it was out of order and not on.. then if it happened again I would go to hr..

no point running to hr straight away if it can be handled amongst the two of you first.
Just this once try to give the woman the benefit of the doubt that with all the drink on her she didn't realise how serious and disgusting her actions were and a quick word with her may resolve this.

TitoPuente

The title of the thread is about right. It was sexual assault. Report her to HR and make a statement to the Gardaí. If the male/female roles were reversed there would be uproar. I think it's time men started taking gender equality to it's just conclusion.

SerialComplaint

Unless the event was an officially organised event, it's really nothing to do with HR. HR don't police the activities of staff outside of business hours/activities. I think your choices are to report it to the police, or ignore it and move on.

Sleepy

Report it to the Gardaí and inform HR that you're pressing charges against a colleague for an incident which took place on a staff night out.

Distorted

I thought you were going to say she pulled your trousers down or followed you into the toilets and groped you or something! tbh it wasn't that much and I'd just laugh it off if I were you. Yes, you could make a big deal of it but you run the risk of being labelled a troublemaker. At most, you could take a colleague with you and have a word with her but honestly, as a female, I've been subjected to far worse and if I made a big fuss about complaining every time I've been groped, had lewd offensive suggestions made to me, heard disgusting sexual remarks about myself, etc, etc, etc, I'd never be finished complaining and I'd have no time for anything else. If I were you OP, I'd only complain if it was an ongoing thing, not a one off because it wasn't really that bad.

TitoPuente

Distorted wrote: »

I thought you were going to say she pulled your trousers down or followed you into the toilets and groped you or something! tbh it wasn't that much and I'd just laugh it off if I were you. Yes, you could make a big deal of it but you run the risk of being labelled a troublemaker. At most, you could take a colleague with you and have a word with her but honestly, as a female, I've been subjected to far worse and if I made a big fuss about complaining every time I've been groped, had lewd offensive suggestions made to me, heard disgusting sexual remarks about myself, etc, etc, etc, I'd never be finished complaining and I'd have no time for anything else. If I were you OP, I'd only complain if it was an ongoing thing, not a one off because it wasn't really that bad.

A troublemaker? Absolutely outrageous. He was sexually assaulted. If a woman was on here claiming the exact same humiliations and violations happened at the hands of an older man from her workplace, there would be unanimous calls for Garda intervention. Double standards no longer apply in this day and age. You asked for gender equality and now you're getting it.

OP - Get your witnesses together, go to the Gardaí and report a sexual assault.

LegacyUser

Yes, of course if some big heavy bloke sat on a petite lady it would be a different story, but i think you are being overly dramatic here, it was a social nite out, a lot of drink involved and she got carried away... Just that you did not see/share the joke..

If she had sexually embarrased you by stripping you or touching of private parts then you mite have a case, other than that just build a bridge and get over it... have a sense of humour, maybe go to the gym and bulk yourself up a bit...

dellas1979

Hang on, if it was a 24 year old hot female who did exactly the same, I bet it would have been a different story. Can you confirm or deny this?

You are embarassed because she was, as you described her, 50, fat and your colleagues were laughing.

Get over it.

You were in a pub drinking, not a church praying. If you cant handle the heat get out of the kitchen so to speak and DO NOT put yourself in social situations that you cannot seem to handle.

Silverfish

dellas1979 wrote: »

Hang on, if it was a 24 year old hot female who did exactly the same, I bet it would have been a different story. Can you confirm or deny this?

You are embarassed because she was, as you described her, 50, fat and your colleagues were laughing.

Get over it.

You were in a pub drinking, not a church praying. If you cant handle the heat get out of the kitchen so to speak and DO NOT put yourself in social situations that you cannot seem to handle.

Maybe. Perhaps. Who knows. The fact is he was grabbed and touched innapropriately after making it clear he had no interest. His reasons for having no interest are irrelevant. No means no.

You can't tell a victim of a sexual assault or harassment 'Oh well you would have loved it if it was a hot person :rolleyes:'
No means no.

TitoPuente

dellas1979 wrote: »

Hang on, if it was a 24 year old hot female who did exactly the same, I bet it would have been a different story. Can you confirm or deny this?

If she was a hot 24-year-old and he invited it, then it's not a problem. Both parties are consensual.

dellas1979 wrote: »

You were in a pub drinking, not a church praying. If you cant handle the heat get out of the kitchen so to speak and DO NOT put yourself in social situations that you cannot seem to handle.

I wonder what would happen if I sat on the lap of a 21-year-old girl in my office uninvited and put my hand down her top and 'felt her body' all over. That's right - I'd be arrested... and with good reason.

Honestly, the double standards are jaw dropping.

dellas1979 - would you be telling a young women who was treated in the exact same fashion by a 50-year-old man to 'get over it'?

dellas1979

I would not call what he described as sexual assault. After heavy drinking, she sat on his lap for a minute and made a ejit of herself. Hardly constitutes sexual assault. I think situations like this actually demeans people who have been through an actual sexual assault. His pride is hurt thats all.

He should not be going to pubs where people DRINK and make arses of themselves, with colleagues or otherwise if he is going to loose the head like that.

TitoPuente

dellas1979 wrote: »

I would not call what he described as sexual assault. After heavy drinking, she sat on his lap for a minute and made a ejit of herself. Hardly constitutes sexual assault. I think situations like this actually demeans people who have been through an actual sexual assault. His pride is hurt thats all.

He should not be going to pubs where people DRINK and make arses of themselves, with colleagues or otherwise if he is going to loose the head like that.

What if a 50 year old guy did that to a girl half his age though? Sexual assault or not?

dellas1979

Tito, that is not what I asked.

I asked if it was the exact same situation with a 24 year old, what would he have done? Would he be more consensual because she is young and hot?

The woman made an arse of herself, I think he is over reacting then and over reacting now. If a 50 year old man did that to a 24 year old woman, I would say the same thing to her - do not put yourself in these situations.

Silverfish

dellas1979 wrote: »

I would not call what he described as sexual assault. After heavy drinking, she sat on his lap for a minute and made a ejit of herself. Hardly constitutes sexual assault. I think situations like this actually demeans people who have been through an actual sexual assault. His pride is hurt thats all.

He should not be going to pubs where people DRINK and make arses of themselves, with colleagues or otherwise if he is going to loose the head like that.

Putting her hands down his tshirt to feel his chest and grabbing and touching him is a bit more than sitting on his lap for a minute.

TitoPuente

dellas1979 wrote: »

I asked if it was the exact same situation with a 24 year old, what would he have done? Would he be more consensual because she is young and hot?

Yeah, I'm sure he probably would have consented if it was a hot young woman. She wasn't though and he didn't. I really don't see your point at all.

dellas1979 wrote: »

If a 50 year old man did that to a 24 year old woman, I would say the same thing to her - do not put yourself in these situations.

Are you for real? So what - we deserve to get abused and sexually assaulted just for going to the pub with workmates? I'm pretty sure the law sees things differently.

dellas1979

I guess it depends on tolerability. No one can say what is acceptable or not towards another person. To me, its not a big deal. To him its sexual assault.

If it bugged me enough, I would have handled the situation though, which at 24 maybe he doesnt know how to do.

If he goes to work and reports a complaint, that would probably not be taken seriously anyways (drink...pub...shenanigans), he will always be known for this.

Is it not something he can get over, put it down to experience, and NEVER drink with the work crowd again?

You have to choose the battles you fight, and this aint one of 'em.

TitoPuente

dellas1979 wrote: »

I guess it depends on tolerability. No one can say what is acceptable or not towards another person. To me, its not a big deal. To him its sexual assault.

I suppose it really depends on how the law defines it though.

At the end of the day, you haven't answered my question had the gender roles been reversed so that speaks volumes.

dellas1979

TitoPuente wrote: »

Are you for real? So what - we deserve to get abused and sexually assaulted just for going to the pub with workmates? I'm pretty sure the law sees things differently.

Yeah right.

So, if a colleague makes a pass at you or pats your bum, you can have them reported for sexual assault?

You are making a joke out of people with actual assault problems. No wonder most of them arent taken seriously when things like this are encouraged to be reported.

My point tito, is that if it was a 24 year old colleague, versus a 50 year old colleague, it wouldnt be sexual assault. Why? Because she is not the 50 year old.

dellas1979

TitoPuente wrote: »

I suppose it really depends on how the law defines it though.

At the end of the day, you haven't answered my question had the gender roles been reversed so that speaks volumes.

Tell me how the law defines it then seeing as you are an expert and an advocate for reporting drunken pub antics of a plastered 50 year old sitting on his knee, making an arse of herself?

I did address your question. Goes to show your perception of this if a) you talk to me like that and b) you dont read other people's posts.

TitoPuente

dellas1979 wrote: »

So, if a colleague makes a pass at you or pats your bum, you can have them reported for sexual assault?

Me, personally? Probably not. I'm quite sure if I did it to a girl in work though, I probably would be reported.

dellas1979 wrote: »

You are making a joke out of people with actual assault problems.

Being publicly humiliated and groped all over the shop isn't actual assault? I beg to differ and I'm sure the law would too.

dellas1979 wrote: »

My point tito, is that if it was a 24 year old colleague, versus a 50 year old colleague, it wouldnt be sexual assault. Why? Because she is not the 50 year old.

If it's an uninvited assault then it's always wrong, no matter what age the perpatrator is. If the recipient choses to go along with it then that's his/her perogative.

By your logic, men accused of sexual assault should be let off the hook if they use "Well if I was George Clooney she wouldn't be complaining" as their defence. :rolleyes:

TitoPuente

dellas1979 wrote: »

Tell me how the law defines it then seeing as you are an expert

Sexual assault may include rape, forced vaginal, anal or oral penetration, forced sexual intercourse, inappropriate touching, forced kissing, child sexual abuse, or the torture of the victim in a sexual manner.

dellas1979 wrote: »

drunken pub antics of a plastered 50 year old sitting on his knee... you dont read other people's posts.

To be fair, at least I read the OP's post. It seems she was doing a little more than 'sitting on his knee'.

dellas1979

Woah calm down. You are getting over excited.

Now you are associating me with trivialising rape in your replies and I dont like that.

I am commenting on the OPs problem which is not even near the same severity or level.

So remove from your post please. That was very unfair.

TitoPuente

dellas1979 wrote: »

Woah calm down. You are getting over excited.

Now you are associating me with trivialising rape in your replies and I dont like that.

I am commenting on the OPs problem which is not even near the same severity or level.

So remove from your post please. That was very unfair.

That's actually the definition of sexual assault that I posted there, not rape. Sexual assault covers the whole spectrum of severity but, in all cases, it's against the law.

dellas1979

No - you are saying that I think it is ok. You are putting this opinion on me which I have said nothing about.

Please remove your comment on post 24 or I will be reporting it.

TitoPuente

dellas1979 wrote: »

No - you are saying that I think it is ok. You are putting this opinion on me which I have said nothing about.

Please remove your comment on post 24 or I will be reporting it.

I've updated the post and removed the word 'rapist' to put it more in context. My point still stands. IMO, the OP was sexually assulated.

dellas1979

Tito. Rephrasing isnt going to do.

Please delete all reference.

I do not advocate any type of sexual assault which you are making out I do and now I am very angry you are taking advantage of me.

In my opinion what he described does not constitute sexual assault. Do not roast me for having an opinion by saying I am ok with sexual assault. That is unfair and disgusting.

Nevyn

OP you were sexually assaulted. It doesn't matter that you are a man or if you are bigger and stronger then that woman, she had no right to touch you in that manner when you had not asked or consented her to do so. I would go talk to the garda about it and given the names and contact details of the witnesses.

Find out from HR what the company policy is, some work do's are official and covered by company policy and some are not so find out.

Nevyn

dellas1979 and TitoPuente take your dispute to pm or to humanities this forum is not the place for it, civil and helpful posts to the OP are expected here, if you continue your 'debate' in this thread you will both be banned.

angry_fox

kinda annoyed wrote: »

Male 24 here. small fello. 5'8, 10st.
Basically in my team in work there is a woman, mid 50s, same height and bout 4st heavier than me....

So the whole team, bout 10 of us were in a pub in town on a night out. the pub is packed. and she is drinking shorts to bate the band, getting drunk quicker than everyone else.
Long story short, later in the evening, all of a sudden she decides to sit on my lap, and keeps putting her hand down my tshirt, saying "ooo youre so cute, I love your hairy chest", she keeps touching me and feeling my body, As you can imagine, other people are in bits laughing at this, I am so embarrassed.
Im struggling to get her off me, and I keep grabbing her hands and telling her to stop, and I kinda get aggressive. But I really cant get her off my lap, and at this stage I in a lot of pain, as shes heavy. Shes thinks its kind of a laugh and keeps saying how cute I am. Then one of the lads grabs her by the shoulder and pulls her off. It probably only lasted a minute. But Ive lost the head, mean while most of the pub as still laughing, and her with a big drunken stupid head on her still saying things to me that makes my skin crawl. I went to the toilet to cool off, came back and grabbed my jacket and left, tried not to make a scene.

A few of my friends agree with me, and say I was right to lose it, and she might have deserved a good hard punch... Ive been just thinking to myself, if roles reversed, eg., a mad drunken 50year old old fella touching a 24yo woman and basically on top of her, with hands all over her. Im sure the fokes in the pub wouldnt be laughing, there would be violence and gardi invovled etc...

What should I do? just calm down, laugh it off.
Go to hr in work, or is that just stupid as it happened outside work?
What can a man do?

Would this not be an indecent assault?? If you do report this will your colleagues give a statement? Report this to HR, she will probably be brought up on her behaviour. If it goes to court do you want your name in the paper as the 24 year old man felt up by some fat drunken lady on a staff night out. Your pride was hurt, you will get over it.

Emme

kinda annoyed wrote: »

Long story short, later in the evening, all of a sudden she decides to sit on my lap, and keeps putting her hand down my tshirt, saying "ooo youre so cute, I love your hairy chest", she keeps touching me and feeling my body, As you can imagine, other people are in bits laughing at this, I am so embarrassed.

Im struggling to get her off me, and I keep grabbing her hands and telling her to stop, and I kinda get aggressive. But I really cant get her off my lap, and at this stage I in a lot of pain, as shes heavy. Shes thinks its kind of a laugh and keeps saying how cute I am. Then one of the lads grabs her by the shoulder and pulls her off. It probably only lasted a minute. But Ive lost the head, mean while most of the pub as still laughing, and her with a big drunken stupid head on her still saying things to me that makes my skin crawl. I went to the toilet to cool off, came back and grabbed my jacket and left, tried not to make a scene.

A few of my friends agree with me, and say I was right to lose it, and she might have deserved a good hard punch... Ive been just thinking to myself, if roles reversed, eg., a mad drunken 50year old old fella touching a 24yo woman and basically on top of her, with hands all over her. Im sure the fokes in the pub wouldnt be laughing, there would be violence and gardi invovled etc...

What should I do? just calm down, laugh it off.
Go to hr in work, or is that just stupid as it happened outside work?
What can a man do?

You were embarrassed by the incident, you asked her to stop and it seems like she didn't despite the fact that you were in pain and afterwards she was saying things that made your skin crawl. I would say it was an assault.

OK, if she was a hot 9stone 24 year old you mightn't have taken it so badly, but that's not the point here. You asked this woman to stop, she didn't and you were made so uncomfortable that you had to leave. I would go to HR and tell them what happened and how you felt. If she started going on "I love your hairy chest" in work that would be out of line. Work nights out are really an extension of work and colleagues should respect each other regardless of how much they drink.

BettePorter

To all you posters who are saying 'if it were the other way round it would be a gardai matter etc' ...........it isn't like for like !

I'm not saying it shouldn't be but in terms of socially acceptance it isn't ! In the same way that a guy walking down the town top less on a summers day is acceptable yet if a woman did the same it would be unbelievable !

We've just come to accept things as we are brought up to believe them it doesn't necessarily make it right or wrong ! We see the lecherous ole lad in the pub as a sex pest but the lecherous ole granny as a mad ole wan havin a laugh.

Personally i would leave it be and put it down to experience. Of course she was out of order but you're going to bring nothing to yourself but slagging and derision if you take it further. In terms of social behaviour, it was a work night out that got out of hand and a bit raucous. Certainly have a word with the woman concerned but i wouldn't be taking it legal or to HR. Of course it would be different if a bloke stuck his hand down a womans top in the same scenario.... but by the same token, if you walked out of the same pub and saw a bloke peeing down the side alleyway it wouldn't cost you a thought......but if it were a woman........!!!!! Neither is pretty but In terms of social acceptance....it's the same diff !

Nevyn

The idea that the exact same acts carried out with out consent by one gender is to be shrugged off while if it's the other gender it's then acceptable to complain and talk to the garda is one of the many backwards attitudes in this country which hurts people.

It takes men being brave enough to speak out about it to change attitudes while they excerise thier right to be unmolested and we should be suporting men in doing so.

wasper

Silverfish wrote: »

I would go and have a word with HR if you can. That was a horrible, nasty situation to be in. If you register a complaint now, even if nothing comes of it this time, then at least they have a record of it if this woman tries anything else in future.

And maybe even a word in her ear from HR might teach her the lesson that her behavior was upsetting and completely utterly out of order.

OTT, the woman is probably embarrassed enough.

Neyite

Thaedydal wrote: »

The idea that the exact same acts carried out with out consent by one gender is to be shrugged off while if it's the other gender it's then acceptable to complain and talk to the garda is one of the many backwards attitudes in this country which hurts people.

It takes men being brave enough to speak out about it to change attitudes while they excerise thier right to be unmolested and we should be suporting men in doing so.

Well put.

it cannot be the case that its classed sexual assault if it happend to a woman, yet 'a bit of craic' if it happens to a man. its either one or the other for either gender.

There was inappropriate touching, the person doing the touching was told to stop, and they didnt. the person who was touched felt so disgusted and violated they had to leave the venue.

if a work colleague touched, say, my hair, (for an example of a non sexual area) and i asked him to stop and he kept pestering me, making suggestive comments i would feel distressed, upset and sexually harassed, even thought it was only my hair that was touched. and i would be entitled to complain about it and feel wary of working with that person again.

just because you havent been touched in your private parts does not mean that you are not being sexually harrassed. it can be verbal as well.
the key is the woman was asked to stop, and she didnt.

OP: I do think that HR should be made aware of it. and if you feel so, the gardai.

cafecolour

Def talk to HR. I think that the fact that it was work mates def made it a good bit worse, and added to the humiliation in many respects. She shouldn't be acting as such.

TBH though I'd leave the guardai. I don't think they'll do much about it, and I think that's true even if the genders were reversed. The number of women that get groped by randomers in the club - they're lucky if they can even get the bouncers to do anything about it, never mind the guardai.

BettePorter

Neyite wrote: »

OP: I do think that HR should be made aware of it. and if you feel so, the gardai.

I'm sorry but thats a huge over reaction.............personally if i'd gone to the guards every time some asshole behaved inappropriately in a bar/ club or invaded my space making me uncomfortable... i'd be with the cops every other time i went out.

She didn't corner him in the toilets at 3 o'clock on a tuesday afternoon and stick her hand down his jocks! While it was of course inappropriate and unwanted it is what most of us have endured from time to time in different situations ! Take it for what it was.......someone drunk being a lech ! Leave the guards to tackle 'real' sexual assault ! I'm sorry but honestly you'd be laughed out of the guards station reporting that story.

howye guard . i've been sexually assaulted. i was at a work do ............mary from accounts was pissed and sat on my lap, stuck her hand down my shirt and told me she loved my hairy chest !

Tbh reversed it sounds like most office parties i've been to ! it's just one of those things !

honestly, if she were the hot 24 year old from the office you wouldn't be here now and this thread would be in AH on any other day ! Your pride was hurt cause she was a ole one who embarrassed you. Welcome to the world that most women experience from time to time !

TitoPuente

BettePorter wrote: »

personally if i'd gone to the guards every time some asshole behaved inappropriately in a bar/ club or invaded my space making me uncomfortable... i'd be with the cops every other time i went out.

Yeah but we're not talking about behaving inappropriately or invading space. We're talking about an uninvited physical assault where the OP was groped, the perpatrator was asked to stop and she didn't and the OP was left feeling humiliated to the point that he had to leave the venue.

I'm amazed that women on this thread have the audacity to suggest that this is all okay. I can tell you now that if the shoe was on the other foot, general opinions would very different. People seem to be treating this as the equivalent of a sneaky bum pinch (which is still completely out of line IMO) or a sleazy remark simply because a man is the victim. This is completely different and you know it.

BettePorter wrote: »

She didn't corner him in the toilets at 3 o'clock on a tuesday afternoon and stick her hand down his jocks! While it was of course inappropriate and unwanted it is what most of us have endured from time to time in different situations !

That doesn't make it right. Or legal.

BettePorter wrote: »

Take it for what it was.......someone drunk being a lech ! Leave the guards to tackle 'real' sexual assault !

Like when a man does it to a woman?

BettePorter wrote: »

I'm sorry but honestly you'd be laughed out of the guards station reporting that story.

No. You wouldn't. The Gardaí are briefed to take reports of woman on man abuse very seriously. OP - if you feel you might not be taken seriously, bring a solicitor.

BettePorter wrote: »

howye guard . i've been sexually assaulted. i was at a work do ............mary from accounts was pissed and sat on my lap, stuck her hand down my shirt and told me she loved my hairy chest !

How would that sound if the roles were reveresed I wonder? If 24-year-old belle Sorcha from Foxrock was to go to the Gadaí and say "I was sexually assaulted. On a work night out, the 50-year-old janitor Fred was drunk, came over and sat on my lap, put his hand inside my blouse and started telling me I had a great body. I asked him to get off but he wouldn't and he kept on groping me and laughing along with everyone else in the room." You can be pretty sure the Gardaí (or anyone else for that matter) wouldn't be laughing then.

BettePorter wrote: »

Tbh reversed it sounds like most office parties i've been to ! it's just one of those things !

No, it's not 'just one of those things'. Come on now. It's sexual assault. As I've said, this is complete gender bias. Men are supposed to just accept this kind of thing when it's the woman that's the perpatrator while women get to scream blue murder and play the victim in the same situation. Complete double standards IMO.

BettePorter wrote: »

honestly, if she were the hot 24 year old from the office you wouldn't be here now and this thread would be in AH on any other day !

That's nowhere near the point. The OP asked her to stop and she didn't. No means no. Not just when a woman says it.

BettePorter wrote: »

Your pride was hurt cause she was a ole one who embarrassed you. Welcome to the world that most women experience from time to time !

Sexual assault is sexual assault. If this happened to you, regardless of whether you're a man or a woman, you have every right to report it.

Kimia

BettePorter wrote: »

I'm sorry but thats a huge over reaction.............personally if i'd gone to the guards every time some asshole behaved inappropriately in a bar/ club or invaded my space making me uncomfortable... i'd be with the cops every other time i went out.

She didn't corner him in the toilets at 3 o'clock on a tuesday afternoon and stick her hand down his jocks! While it was of course inappropriate and unwanted it is what most of us have endured from time to time in different situations ! Take it for what it was.......someone drunk being a lech ! Leave the guards to tackle 'real' sexual assault ! I'm sorry but honestly you'd be laughed out of the guards station reporting that story.

howye guard . i've been sexually assaulted. i was at a work do ............mary from accounts was pissed and sat on my lap, stuck her hand down my shirt and told me she loved my hairy chest !

Tbh reversed it sounds like most office parties i've been to ! it's just one of those things !

honestly, if she were the hot 24 year old from the office you wouldn't be here now and this thread would be in AH on any other day ! Your pride was hurt cause she was a ole one who embarrassed you. Welcome to the world that most women experience from time to time !

Bette seriously you are out of your mind if you think this is just 'one of those things'. How dare you tell the OP that it's just his pride that was hurt, you are undermining his experience and his feelings and I'm disgusted by your attitude (in particular the bold bit).

I'm a woman and yes of course I've experienced lecherous behaviour from men, who hasn't, but that doesn't make it right. OP don't listen to this nonsense, you have every right to feel uncomfortable because that women was extremely inappropriate and disrespectful of you.

If we sweep these kinds of things under the carpet this ridiculous attitude of 'oh men can't be sexually assaulted' will continue. That attitude needs to change.

Cheap Thrills!

Thaedydal wrote: »

The idea that the exact same acts carried out with out consent by one gender is to be shrugged off while if it's the other gender it's then acceptable to complain and talk to the garda is one of the many backwards attitudes in this country which hurts people.

It takes men being brave enough to speak out about it to change attitudes while they excerise thier right to be unmolested and we should be suporting men in doing so.

+1

Very well said. Just because there is prejudice and some people can't get their heads around the double standard doesn't mean you should drop it OP.

Other men might laugh and take the p!ss but so what. People might tittle tattle in the office but so what. Let the ignorant be ignorant. You can't stoop down to their level. They'd be singing a different tune if it had happened to them.

OP you were 100% sexually assaulted and you don't have to put up with that. Go to HR and make an on the record statement. Sometimes HR will try to leave things 'off the record' so that they dont have to go through the processes (hoping the complainant will cool off and change their mind basically)

The woman who did this needs to be suspended from work while it is investigated.

Go to the Guards and make a statement, ensure HR knows you are doing this.

It's a horrible process to have to go through. Is there anyone who was there who will support you? Or is everyone taking the attitude it was a joke?

Cheap Thrills!

BettePorter wrote: »

I'm sorry but thats a huge over reaction.............personally if i'd gone to the guards every time some asshole behaved inappropriately in a bar/ club or invaded my space making me uncomfortable... i'd be with the cops every other time i went out.

She didn't corner him in the toilets at 3 o'clock on a tuesday afternoon and stick her hand down his jocks! While it was of course inappropriate and unwanted it is what most of us have endured from time to time in different situations ! Take it for what it was.......someone drunk being a lech ! Leave the guards to tackle 'real' sexual assault ! I'm sorry but honestly you'd be laughed out of the guards station reporting that story.

I think you're forgetting though that a much larger, heavier person sat on him and he could not get her off, so basically he was crushed. That is very frightening and with all the heckling as well it sounds like an absolutely horrible experience.

I think the fact that no-one stuck up for him was outrageous. Any decent person would have pulled her off and told her to cop on, not stood there laughing. Pack mentality=cowards.

BettePorter wrote: »

honestly, if she were the hot 24 year old from the office you wouldn't be here now and this thread would be in AH on any other day ! Your pride was hurt cause she was a ole one who embarrassed you. Welcome to the world that most women experience from time to time !

IF she was a hot 24 year old (presuming he's straight) he would probably have allowed it and liked it, therefore giving his consent. Which is his choice to do, his total inalienable right. To give or withhole consent.

He did not consent, he told her to stop and tried to fight her off but she continued and that is the classical definition of sexual assault. Just because we as women get groped unwantedly doesn't excuse this, two wrongs don't make a right. End of.

Scambuster

You should have punched her. Treat her like the man she wants to be.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for the advise/replies. Even the ones that think Im overreacting.

First off, to Dellas1979. The arguement about "A HOT 24yo from my office I'd be all over her", I think that is so ridiculous. Well I have a gf, and what would you think she would think about it? (I havent told her yet), so I wouldnt be letting a gorgeous woman touch me in anyway. And it was already said by Titopuente I think, would you say that to a woman who was touched up? "if Brad Pitt or George Clonney was all over you, It wouldnt be sexual assault"...
And I will try not to put myself in that situation again, but seriously what pubs have you been in where a man will be on top of you touching you? If it hadnt have been so packed, Im sure a barman/security would have told her to stop.

To Serialcomplaint and Sleepy, It wasnt an offical social event with work, just said we would go for a drink as we havent been out in a while. So still unsure about going to hr.

To sheaintheavy, I dont see what me going to the gym has to do with anything. she is bigger and heavier than me. I can protect myself, but she was on top of me. I did not turn to violence, I didnt want to start a fist fight. I was trying to keep my cool, and not start flipping tables and wrestle her to the ground etc etc.... If it was the other way around I would say to mother/sister/gf to attack the man's manhood, kick/punch, whatever you can to make him stop. But if I attacked this woman, then I would be in serious trouble....
Yes, I didnt see the joke at all!
How about I say to her, go to the gym, and lose a few kg????
I DONT choose to be small.

Sorry for the rant guys, but I was not happy with sheaintheavy comment!

To angry fox, I dont know if it is indecent assault, maybe it is. thats mainly why I wrote it on boards, to find out if I am wrong. And yes, Im sure most of my work mates would give statements.

To belleporter, you make good points. It is a pity, but I suppose thats the way some things are. Its a pity genders are not equal!
I dont know what happens in the world that most women experience from time to time. I feel for most women then.

To Thaedyal, you said "brave", I actually dont know if I am brave enough actually go to a gardi station.

Nevyn

Scambuster banned for advocating violence.

Nevyn

Have you told your gf what happened?
If you are not going to go to the garda about this then you still do need to let people know that you are not happy with what happened what so ever.
If when you go into work on Monday morning there are comments about it then you do have grounds to go to hr and say you were harassed in the pub and the weekend and now have been verbally harassed in the work place over what happened.

Sir Oxman

still annoyed wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for the advise/replies. Even the ones that think Im overreacting.

First off, to Dellas1979. The arguement about "A HOT 24yo from my office I'd be all over her", I think that is so ridiculous. Well I have a gf, and what would you think she would think about it? (I havent told her yet), so I wouldnt be letting a gorgeous woman touch me in anyway. And it was already said by Titopuente I think, would you say that to a woman who was touched up? "if Brad Pitt or George Clonney was all over you, It wouldnt be sexual assault"...
And I will try not to put myself in that situation again, but seriously what pubs have you been in where a man will be on top of you touching you? If it hadnt have been so packed, Im sure a barman/security would have told her to stop.

To Serialcomplaint and Sleepy, It wasnt an offical social event with work, just said we would go for a drink as we havent been out in a while. So still unsure about going to hr.

To sheaintheavy, I dont see what me going to the gym has to do with anything. she is bigger and heavier than me. I can protect myself, but she was on top of me. I did not turn to violence, I didnt want to start a fist fight. I was trying to keep my cool, and not start flipping tables and wrestle her to the ground etc etc.... If it was the other way around I would say to mother/sister/gf to attack the man's manhood, kick/punch, whatever you can to make him stop. But if I attacked this woman, then I would be in serious trouble....
Yes, I didnt see the joke at all!
How about I say to her, go to the gym, and lose a few kg????
I DONT choose to be small.

Sorry for the rant guys, but I was not happy with sheaintheavy comment!

To angry fox, I dont know if it is indecent assault, maybe it is. thats mainly why I wrote it on boards, to find out if I am wrong. And yes, Im sure most of my work mates would give statements.

To belleporter, you make good points. It is a pity, but I suppose thats the way some things are. Its a pity genders are not equal!
I dont know what happens in the world that most women experience from time to time. I feel for most women then.

To Thaedyal, you said "brave", I actually dont know if I am brave enough actually go to a gardi station.

I think you are perfectly correct to be upset and annoyed by what happened.
IMO, going to the guards or your HR dept is an overreaction - I would have a talk with the woman and make sure she knows she was out of order.

Nevyn

gambiaman wrote: »

I think you are perfectly correct to be upset and annoyed by what happened.
IMO, going to the guards or your HR dept is an overreaction - I would have a talk with the woman and make sure she knows she was out of order.

If he is going to do that he should be very careful and make sure there is a witness.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Have you told your gf what happened?
If you are not going to go to the garda about this then you still do need to let people know that you are not happy with what happened what so ever.
If when you go into work on Monday morning there are comments about it then you do have grounds to go to hr and say you were harassed in the pub and the weekend and now have been verbally harassed in the work place over what happened.

No I havent told her yet, I will.
Well I will let people know I am unhappy about everything, I will go in tomorrow probably have a big narky head on me, and have a good rant with some work mates, Ill have a chat with my manager. I dont know what to say to her, I dont know if shell remember anything.