that was really wrong.. I don't think I should...

LegacyUser

"That was really wrong.. I don't think I should come back to work again. I feel really terrible about this..." Those were the words on a text message to my boyfriend who was out on a work night out, from a new intern who started there little over two and a half weeks ago.

He didn't come home until 6 in the morning that morning, couldn't get a word out of him, if his phone alarm clock hadn't sounded I wold not have seen it (I turned the alarm off the message was on the screen already) She knows I am his girlfriend as I am friendly with many of his colleagues( I used to work there) and attended the first part of the party for an hour to give a present to one of the girls there who recently had a baby.

I went crazy at him when he came-to and he said she was drunk and ashamed of being drunk, but that he doesn't remember anything past 1am (the message was sent 01:39).

I took her number and have been for the past two days trying to get through to her, she rang back once but I missed the call, literally within two minutes of her calling i rang back, but no answer. I have a feeling she's hiding something.

He doesn't know I took the number. He said I have trust issues and why should I take her message seriously . He also said that I need to grow up if I want to be in a relationship. And that I would take his word for it, that he would never cheat on me, if I genuinely loved him.

Please some insight before I stand at the office door and wait for her tomorrow to confront her. Apologies for sounding disgruntled but I can't get my head around it, and his answer does not justify for me the weight of the words in that text message.

Katgurl

Hi op,

I've been where you are and I really feel for you.

It's pretty clear he's betrayed you and he's lying about it now.

Please don't go to the office, you're too raw and will probably do something you regret. At best you'll look a psycho, at worst you might get into trouble.

I understand you need to confront her, why don't you call her from someone else's phone?

The worst thing is however that after you stop distracting yourself with the pursuit of the truth you are going to have to make a decision about how you are going to progress with your relationship?

Butterflylove

Everyone gets drunk at their christmas party the second part could be understood as that but ''That was really wrong'' doesnt sound like someone just getting drunk and acting silly? Its also odd that she hasnt contacted you back but she may might think its someone else, I know I dont answer private numbers


Is there anyway you could speak to someone else in the work since you use to work there maybe ask them when the party broke up etc 6am seems pretty late for a christmas party

I would try and speak to your OH again before heading into the office, or even try contact her again give it a day or so like i said try get in touch with someone else in the office ask about the party etc

calibelle

Just a different point of view....at what point in the text does it say something happened between your bf and this girl?
I see a message saying that she did something she feels bad about which could be anything!
Are they friendly? Could she have been with another man and have confided in your bf and he's forgotten?
Also one thing struck me from your post- you said he came home at 6am and that's why your suspicious but the text was sent at half 1 so he obviously wasn't with her between 1 and 6.
Op can I ask what your relationship is like in general? Do you trust him or is this not the first issue?
Also I'm not sure why you are calling the girl to be honest? If anything has happened she's not the person in the wrong here your bf is so most definately don't confront her!!

LighterGuy

exofficenewoffice11 wrote: »

"That was really wrong.. I don't think I should come back to work again. I feel really terrible about this..." Those were the words on a text message to my boyfriend who was out on a work night out, from a new intern who started there little over two and a half weeks ago.

Hmmmmm, see cheating is definitely the most logically thing here. Since its to this new intern. Who he only knows two weeks. It could suggest he mad a big ass of himself aswell. But ... it just doesnt feel right as to why it was sent to her.

exofficenewoffice11 wrote: »

I took her number and have been for the past two days trying to get through to her, she rang back once but I missed the call, literally within two minutes of her calling i rang back, but no answer. I have a feeling she's hiding something. He doesn't know I took the number.

Smart person would consider the possbility (aka more than likely) that both her and your bf know you are trying to contact her. Thats of course if you texted her in anyway to say who you were.

exofficenewoffice11 wrote: »

He said I have trust issues and why should I take her message seriously . He also said that I need to grow up if I want to be in a relationship. And that I would take his word for it, that he would never cheat on me, if I genuinely loved him.

They are the words of a cheater - throwing it back on you "why dont you trust me" etc etc.


Something happened. Something he doesnt want you to know about. If he made an ass out of himself why on earth would he still with-hold it knowing you are thinking he cheated? .... So.... yes. My common sense says he did cheat. Why would he continue to without anything else but that?

LegacyUser

To Katgurl , thank you, no I haven't thought about what I'm going to do other than to pack my bags.
To Butterfly love, thank you, I'm using my own number, I have nothing to hide, I want information , last thing i'll do is put on a private number and lose my chances of getting what I need to know.

To Calibelle, thank you, given that she's brand new to the company, he's her superior . Our relationship is fine , but this is not the first time something like this has happened: a few drunken times he spent staying on the couch at the house of a girl at work after a staff party, which I have not got over and he knows it, he wasn't clear about those details either because he said he was too drunk to do anything anyway. I posted here about that some time ago.

I need information, he's not giving it to me , but I would rather hear from her what happened, hopefully she would tell me. If not, well I don't know what I'll do. I'm hanging on the fact that I have her number and can contact her but she will not ring back, I've called around 6 times over the past two days.

calibelle

Lighter guy I think the op's bf recieved the text rather than sent it....well that's how I read it anyway maybe I'm wrong?

LegacyUser

She sent that message to him , sorry for any confusion.

LegacyUser

Even if it was just a kiss or they were messing around, in my book either one is inexcusable.

Kimia

First things first. Why does she have his number and why is he giving his number out to random interns who have only been in the job 2 weeks? And why is she texting him as if she knows him really well?

I'd murder him too for saying I have trust issues. How dare he say that to you when he's the one acting all shady. He's trying to gaslight you, don't let him.

Don't chase after her - it looks crazy. Ignore her. Talk to your boyfriend and say to him if he has any respect for you at all he will have the balls to tell you the truth about what happened and what she means.

omahaid

To me the text message "That was really wrong.. I don't think I should come back to work again. I feel really terrible about this..." suggests she tried something and was rebuffed.

Fittle

Firstly, why would an intern who was only there 2.5wks have his personal mobile number?

Secondly, he did the dirt. Sorry OP, but whether it was a snog, or something much more, that text is definitely proof that something happened and she now regrets it so much, that she is refusing to return to work.

Sorry OP...hate to sound harsh...but something definitely happened. But then you don't need me to tell you that:(

omahaid

Fittle wrote: »

Firstly, why would an intern who was only there 2.5wks have his personal mobile number?

I don't know if the OP's bf cheated or not but when I started my job I went on a course with a number of people (out of town, involved some travel) so we exchanged numbers in case we got separated. And we don't have business mobiles.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Too serious a message to be just over drunkeness. It could be explained if she did something stupid with someone else but he would have told you what had happened if that were the case

pennylaner

Thats horrible. Whatever happens don't let him make you feel bad, you have every right to feel angry. It really annoys me when people tell you to trust them etc when there is clearly some reason to be suspicious.

exofficenew11

I registered just so it may improve the speed of my reply.

Thank you to those who have replied since my last post.

I am aware that something happened. This is why I am so anxious for information , I just need to hear the tone of her voice to know if she's lying or nervous or whatever. I want to be reassuring on the phone, I don't want to be blameful (even though I could give her a slap I won't and I'll keep my anger for him, he's the one with a responsibility in this case not her).

I'm going to try and call her again in a few minutes. I'd say because it's the evening time she is more than likely in a position to be able to answer the phone.

Acoshla

If she's only new there, has figured out it's you calling (that's obviously why she isn't answering, terrified of you), was already ashamed of whatever happened before you ever started calling her she won't answer the phone to you, I don't think it's the time of day that's stopping her answering, it's fear.

calibelle

After reading your most recent posts I can see why you are so upset, so really it could be two things -
Either she made a move and he rejected her or...
Something has happened.

I dont think she is going to answer you though - have they been back to work since this night where they would have had a chance to put a story together?

In a more devious way is there any chance you could get your bf's phone and use that to call her?

I hope it works out for you op

exofficenew11

You're right .

I have tried to call again. And will do again in another half an hour. No answer.

She is definitely guilty. Why else would she not answer to me? Fear of course , because she knows she's done something wrong. I won't stop until I know what it is.

LegacyUser

She is definitely guilty. Why else would she not answer to me? Fear of course , because she knows she's done something wrong. I won't stop until I know what it is.

Just be careful in your "quest for info" that you don't forget that your bf is equally to blame if anything did happen, its all to easy to blame this girl, but remember for all you know she could be single, your boyfriends the one who cheated (presuming thats what happened)

Your anger should be directed at your bf not her

calibelle

exofficenew11 wrote: »

You're right .

I have tried to call again. And will do again in another half an hour. No answer.

She is definitely guilty. Why else would she not answer to me? Fear of course , because she knows she's done something wrong. I won't stop until I know what it is.

Would you feel able to send her a text and say you dont want a row you just want to get to the bottom of what is going on? Or would that make things worse?

Let us know how you get on

I am a friend

Oh my God you need to stop calling. You are coming across as crazy girifriend... You should not be involving her. No matter what you say, she is his work colleague and this is your private relationship impacting on his professional life. I can only imagine what she is telling the other people in work...

It does look like something happened but maybe what happened was that she hit on him and he stopped her.... If my GF accused me of cheating I would also ask 'why do you not trust me?' especially if I was innocent...

The bottom line here is that, if I were your bf, whether I were guilty or not I would be running for the hills given your behaviour calling and calling this girl. Thats harrassmnet. I understand you want answers but at the end of the day you need to get answers from your BF and not some random stranger over the phone.

In any event what good will it do trying to get her to tell you what happened (if she is willing to fool around with someone bf' she is very likely willing to lie). You sound like you have made your mind up so why put yourself through the hassle of this call..

Sorry this has happened to you (if it has) but get some pride and quit calling her. Your issue is with him and not her.

exofficenew11

Called again, no answer. She rang me back today and the phone would've gone through to voicemail, where my name is identified. She knows it's me.

This is driving me crazy. I don't think a text message would do, she knows it's me already, the least she could do is answer the phone.

I know it's insane to be pursuing her but the more she seems to be ignoring my calls gives me more reason to think she is guilty of something or other.

He'll probably never tell me. I know that he is the type of person who would take this to the grave.

I am a friend

You need to stop before she calls the police... I would if I were her and some woman kept calling me every half an hour... I also wouldnt answer the phone to you. For what? All she can expect is a torrent of abuse (in her view I suspect)

Your gripe is with your BF. If she says nothing happene will you be happy with him again? would you believe her? Do you believe him? Maybe she has blocked your number by now (i would have) and isnt even seeing your calls coming in...

No matter how much your want / deserve the truth, this is 'unhinged' stuff and there is no justification for harrassing a girl like this.

calibelle

I am a friend wrote: »

Your gripe is with your BF. If she says nothing happene will you be happy with him again? would you believe her? Do you believe him?

This is very true op. I also doubt she will answer the phone but if she does the chances are she will say nothing happened and how will you feel then?
To you its your boyfriend but to her its the boss and she is not going to put herself in a position where the boss' relationship breaks up because of something she said.

I think you know deep down if he's worth trusting or not.
If you feel that your relationship is worth accepting his version in blind faith then do that and let it go, if you really feel something has happened and you cant live with it then you have to leave be it now or when you have the courage.

You have said it happened before and I think you know if you accept it again then you will have to turn a blind eye in the future too. Being too drunk to remember what happened isnt good enough!!

Please leave the calls now and try to work through it. Trust yourself and your instincts....theres other men who wont do this to you if you choose to move on.

exofficenew11

I wish I had written this sooner.

I'm not calling every half hour.

I've called about 8 times today.A couple of times on private number just to see if she would answer.

I'm finished with this now. He'll probably just find out about it and send me packing either way. I'm starting to see a reason for why he would want to cheat on me now, if this is how I react to a situation like this.

I'm getting scared and worried now so that's it. I've had enough. This isn't worth the stress it has caused me.

I am a friend

Hon you are worth more than this and deserve more than to be with someone who makes you feel the need to do this.... Put your shoulders back. Delete her number and take some time to yourself. No one except him knows what happened and if you cant trust and rely on your own BF than what use is he to you. Chin up.

calibelle

exofficenew11 wrote: »

I wish I had written this sooner.

I'm not calling every half hour.

I've called about 8 times today.A couple of times on private number just to see if she would answer.

I'm finished with this now. He'll probably just find out about it and send me packing either way. I'm starting to see a reason for why he would want to cheat on me now, if this is how I react to a situation like this.

I'm getting scared and worried now so that's it. I've had enough. This isn't worth the stress it has caused me.

What????? There is no reason to cheat on someone who loves you but selfishness!!
This is not your fault and no matter how you react it doesnt excuse it so stop thinking that now!!

Of course you are scared and worried most people would be but losing your self-esteem isnt going to help and you need to think about yourself

Can you get away for a night or two to clear your head and see things a bit clearer?

I hope you are ok.....it will get better once you make up your mind.

greengiant09

you're starting to sound really irrational now! obviously the stress of whats happening is getting you. can't believe your actually blaming yourself in the context that your boyfriend actually cheated.

sounds fairly cut & dry to me....he's definitely hiding something!...that's an absolute bullsh*t excuse that he can't remember what happened!!!...and when you say it's not the first time something like this has happened, well you should be packing your bags.

the fact that she won't reply to you just reinforces that something happened. she's obviously told him that you've been calling and he's told her not to answer.

i think you'll look back at this in a few years and think what the hell where you thinking putting up with this!

fool you once...shame on him!....fool you twice...shame on you! (hope that doesn't bad but i hope you get the jist of what i mean)

don't be an idiot and put up with that crap.

exofficenew11

I don't want to get into any bull**** with solicitors over him.

I wish I knew what happened ,this is 3 years of my life, not just some guy I met recently, we have an apartment together and made plans etc.. I just wish I wasn't the person in this situation.

Whatever way I read that message, it sounds wrong. There's something just so wrong that I needed to know, that I was desperate to know about.

I suppose I just need to give this some good amount of thought then.

Thanks for everything.

Moomoo1

exofficenew11 wrote: »

I'm finished with this now. He'll probably just find out about it and send me packing either way. I'm starting to see a reason for why he would want to cheat on me now, if this is how I react to a situation like this.

sounds like a normal reaction to me. You have been given strong reasons to believe that something bad happened and you have every right to be looking for answers.

I do think that her refusal to pick up is an answer in itself though.

iguana

I'm going to be controversial here and tell you what I wish I had done when I was in a similar situation. I've been cheated on in past relationships and it does drive you a type of crazy, especially when nobody will tell you what has happened. You know something did happen but until you actually know you don't really want to throw your life together away. And deep down a fairly big part of you really, really wants some sort of proof that it never happened so things can go back to how they were. It's very hard to deal with.

So for the controversial part - If I was ever in that scenario again I would pick up his phone when he is sleeping and text her as if I was him. I'd send something innocuous but leading, like: "We need to talk about what happened at the party and what's been going on since. I can't think straight." If she called back I wouldn't answer the phone, because the minute you do she'll hang up and you will have gotten nowhere. Just text her back and say the girlfriend's sleeping and you'll need to keep it to text. Then find out what the hell happened.

It's not nice, or honest or trustworthy but nobody is being nice or honest to you or deserving of your trust and I think the ends would justify the means. If you do find out he has been cheating and you want to leave you'd be best off to say nothing to him right away. If you confront him directly, straight away he will turn it on you for sneaking. Just go to a friend's place or to family. Let him work out why you have gone and come running after you to start working on whatever you decide you want to work out.

shebango

iguana wrote: »

I'm going to be controversial here and tell you what I wish I had done when I was in a similar situation. I've been cheated on in past relationships and it does drive you a type of crazy, especially when nobody will tell you what has happened. You know something did happen but until you actually know you don't really want to throw your life together away. And deep down a fairly big part of you really, really wants some sort of proof that it never happened so things can go back to how they were. It's very hard to deal with.

So for the controversial part - If I was ever in that scenario again I would pick up his phone when he is sleeping and text her as if I was him. I'd send something innocuous but leading, like: "We need to talk about what happened at the party and what's been going on since. I can't think straight." If she called back I wouldn't answer the phone, because the minute you do she'll hang up and you will have gotten nowhere. Just text her back and say the girlfriend's sleeping and you'll need to keep it to text. Then find out what the hell happened.

It's not nice, or honest or trustworthy but nobody is being nice or honest to you or deserving of your trust and I think the ends would justify the means. If you do find out he has been cheating and you want to leave you'd be best off to say nothing to him right away. If you confront him directly, straight away he will turn it on you for sneaking. Just go to a friend's place or to family. Let him work out why you have gone and come running after you to start working on whatever you decide you want to work out.

Iguana, I totally see where you are coming from and I have done something similar in the past.

OP - please do not do this though. I appreciate how hard it is to try and find answers. How hard it is when you don't know what to believe and no one will clarify the situation for you.

However, say that not everything is as it appears. if you send the text from his phone, she will talk to him about it the next time in work. Have you thought about how you will react if she says something you don't like in a text? Would you be able to stop yourself from fanning the flames further in some way if you were to respond to the text?

To send that text posing as him is playing with fire. If he hasn't done anything - you're making him out to be the type of bloke that texts other girls behind his girlfriend's back. That's not right and it's not fair. He may deserve it if he has in fact cheated. But this is not your call. Furthermore, you do not have concrete proof that he did cheat. It sounds dodgy but again, you just don't know.

Having been cheated on before - I too called the girl a fair few times, only to be ignored. Her friend then called me and filled me in. Apparently it was common knowledge, just not for me. My point here is that, no way was she going to answer the phone. It could be because she was with your boyfriend. It could be that something else happened and she doesn't know what he has said to you.

I don't have any advice on how to solve this and I can honestly say I really don't know what i'd do in this situation. However, having previously made the two mistakes above, I can categorically say, I wouldn't be making them again. They will backfire if he's hasn't cheated. If he has, I can't see her answering the phone to you and entrapment is just not the way to go. Trust me.

greengiant09

exofficenew11 wrote: »

I don't want to get into any bull**** with solicitors over him.

I wish I knew what happened ,this is 3 years of my life, not just some guy I met recently, we have an apartment together and made plans etc.. I just wish I wasn't the person in this situation.

Whatever way I read that message, it sounds wrong. There's something just so wrong that I needed to know, that I was desperate to know about.

I suppose I just need to give this some good amount of thought then.

Thanks for everything.

i see where your coming from but you need to think rationally about this. despite having spent 3 years of your time with him and having bought an apartment with him, it would be naive to invest any more time in a guy who is cheating on you. it's obviously an awful situation to be in but you got to deal with it either way. you'll pay a higher price in the long run if you choose to ignore these obvious warning signals!

Bottle_of_Smoke

iguana wrote: »

I'm going to be controversial here and tell you what I wish I had done when I was in a similar situation. I've been cheated on in past relationships and it does drive you a type of crazy, especially when nobody will tell you what has happened. You know something did happen but until you actually know you don't really want to throw your life together away. And deep down a fairly big part of you really, really wants some sort of proof that it never happened so things can go back to how they were. It's very hard to deal with.

So for the controversial part - If I was ever in that scenario again I would pick up his phone when he is sleeping and text her as if I was him. I'd send something innocuous but leading, like: "We need to talk about what happened at the party and what's been going on since. I can't think straight." If she called back I wouldn't answer the phone, because the minute you do she'll hang up and you will have gotten nowhere. Just text her back and say the girlfriend's sleeping and you'll need to keep it to text. Then find out what the hell happened.

It's not nice, or honest or trustworthy but nobody is being nice or honest to you or deserving of your trust and I think the ends would justify the means. If you do find out he has been cheating and you want to leave you'd be best off to say nothing to him right away. If you confront him directly, straight away he will turn it on you for sneaking. Just go to a friend's place or to family. Let him work out why you have gone and come running after you to start working on whatever you decide you want to work out.

I think thats just too risky. If her battery dies that day he'll have the phone back when she replies. Or she might be asleep/out of credit etc

Maybe if he left himself logged into facebook and she was online it would be safer, but I think if you're sure enough to justify impersonation you can be I'd bet any money he's cheated

S23

exofficenewoffice11 wrote: »

She knows I am his girlfriend as I am friendly with many of his colleagues( I used to work there) and attended the first part of the party for an hour to give a present to one of the girls there who recently had a baby.

Sorry if I'm being obtuse here but if you are friendly with other people who were at the party and you used to work with them then surely there must be someone you can ask about what happend? Surely there is 1 good friend who was there who can tell you what happend or find out off someone else (in a subtle way) then pass the info to you.

The person wouldn't have to say 'the bosses GF thinks he gave the intern one at the party, is it true?'
They could simply say 'oh I hear the intern and the boss we're up to no good at the party, do you know anything about it?'

If you want answers without posing as your BF or making loads of phone calls thats the way to go IMO

Overheal

I went crazy at him when he came-to and he said she was drunk and ashamed of being drunk, but that he doesn't remember anything past 1am (the message was sent 01:39).

Thats awfully specific for someone who supposedly got blackout drunk. I for one can't even remember how much money is in my wallet, or how many I've had well before that stage.

Little Acorn

omahaid wrote: »

To me the text message "That was really wrong.. I don't think I should come back to work again. I feel really terrible about this..." suggests she tried something and was rebuffed.

Yeah that's what it sounded like to me to. Why would she be apologising otherwise?

"I feel really terrible about this..."

Would she not be saying "We" did something very wrong otherwise?

It sounds like she did something wrong and is highly embarrassed about it- this could have been trying it on with yr fella, or saying something very inappropriate to him as her boss whilst having drink on her.

As for him having her number and vice versa? All of my bosses in past jobs had my number and the number of all employees incase they had to call us if somebody didn't show up, or to inform if there was going to be some type of disruption that day, or even just to call in relation to pay/holidays.

The fact she won't answer yr calls is another big guilty sign, maybe if she did try something with him, he is afraid to tell you incase you cause trouble with her at the office?

All the above is just the impression I'm getting from that single text, but you did mention other occasions where you had suspicions about him, so I'm guessing that you as his girlfriend will know best about whether your gut feeling is right.

Before making a final decision though, just ask him calmly again what exactly happened. Tell him that you have no intentions of having an argument with her at his workplace, but that you just want to know the full truth.
Give him one more chance to just tell you everything, and tell him that you are point blank refusing the "I don't remember" line.

I hope you get to the bottom of it, and that it turns out to be something not bad. Good Luck.

hybridmouse

Ok Op I've read the whole thread and from what I can see is that you read a text that had no context and you made an immediate assumption.

Surely there must be some more reason that you are so suspicious that he has done something? Your only other example is that he has slept on a colleague's sofa after a drunken night out, which sounds pretty innocent to me.

From my point of view, if you are basing all your suspicions on this one text, it's proof of nothing. It could have meant something completely different, or be referring to an incident that you know nothing about. It doesn't automatically mean that he's cheating.

Has he ever cheated before? What other reasons has he given you to doubt him so readily? I don't see anything weird about him having her number or vice versa - he's her superior.

Anyway, you need to stop ringing this girl, you are harrassing her. I make a point of not answering calls from numbers I don't recognise/private numbers, so maybe that's why she doesn't pick up. This is between you and your boyfriend. If I was your boyfriend and this is was an innocent text your reaction would be a total dealbreaker for me. You need to sit him down and state your suspicions and ask for a straight answer.

Bebs

I'm sorry if I appear unsympathetic but man the hell up.

You don't need to hunt down this woman to find your answers, you already have them. You've asked him what happened and he's given you an answer. You aren't satisfied with that and feel that stalking this poor woman will help you. If you have to press this woman for answers then you clearly don't trust your boyfriend and this insecurity has brought out the worst in you. If you were a man pursuing a woman in this fashion then we'd be calling you a creep.

Why are you staying with someone who you don't trust? Get the hell out of there before any bunny rabbits are hurt!

sbsquarepants

Jesus, i think you're jumping to some crazy assumptions here. That text could mean absolutely anything, she could have got drunk and made a fool of herself, or had a fight with someone, or called the boss an idiot or something. And as for her not answering, would you? I know i wouldn't, i'm not getting in the middle of some couple i barely know relationship!
I think you need to step back and take a look at what you're doing and saying, before you can't step back.
I'm not saying he didn't do anything, i'm just saying you don't have the proof that some posters here are leading you to believe you do. It's one possible meaning, not the only meaning and in fact it's not anything like the most likely meaning in my eyes.
You really could be making a total fool of yourself and him, and seriously damaging your relationship in the process.

fungun

"That was really wrong.. I don't think I should come back to work again. I feel really terrible about this..."

Ok I think you need to calm down a little here and look a bit more objectively at this.

Wow I think there has been an over reaction here and one post was missed which said this....this was sent at 01:39. Now he was on a work night out - typically this would suggest they were still in pub/club at this time.

1. From the text you can probably assume nothing happened with this girl after 01:39.
2. He did not return home until 6.

If the were being unfaithful together and both wanted it, then he would probably have continued to be with her/gone back to hers for a bit. Also younger people think a lot more of less (i.e. to her she may feel a slightly lingering kiss to be 'really wrong')

If you ask my opinion the most likely incident was that she tried to kiss him and was rebuffed....maybe he even returned a kiss for a minute...but then someone (probably him) became more aware and kiss stopped.

Outcome: She feels awful, sends a text like that; prob goes home. BF continues on night out, doesnt even check phone (if he did anything really bad he would have checked his phone). But he does have guilt about it and is not willing to talk about it.

That would be my guess.....but also remember she never once referred to you bf. She could have done sth like this with someone else and spoken to your bf about it!!!

My position on this would be you are together 3 years, Im assuming planning on staying together and this is a once off. Perhaps something inappropriate happened, but if something happened it was short and probably more a case of flirting getting out of hand. And at the end of the day it stopped and he came home to you. Not ideal but in my book, forgivable. If I were you Id try to stop going after the girl and try to create an atmosphere where your bf could talk to you about this without feeling you are going to fly off the handle.

Wibbs

hybridmouse wrote: »

Ok Op I've read the whole thread and from what I can see is that you read a text that had no context and you made an immediate assumption.

That would be my take too and given I've been cheated on more than once my default position would be more "wtf?" If I read that before I did anything I would look at all the possible explanations. Ok what could they be?

1. New intern on probation and did something really daft work related and doesn't want to go back and face it.
2. Did something really daft with someone else in the company and is embarrassed about it and had discussed this with your boyfriend.
3 Chanced her arm with your BF and was rebuffed.
4. Chanced her arm with another bloke and was rebuffed but your BF witnessed this.
5. Went home with someone else at the party and your BF witnessed this
6. snogged your BF and is feeling bad about it.

Now like has been noted, something about the timing seems wrong. I wouldnt be jumping to the worst case scenario. As for him saying stuff along the lines of "why dont you trust me" means he's a cheater I strongly disagree. I've never cheated but one ex was convinced I was(with a woman I'd only met once, briefly) and I said precisely that kinda thing to her.

Numero uno, do NOT ring this woman again. Not one of his professional work colleagues. Indeed his superior. It really comes across very very badly and majorly irrational behaviour. OK lets say he hasn't cheated or anything like it, how will he look at this behaviour in that case? That ex I mentioned above who thought I was copping off with someone else? Well she went into this other woman's work to "bump into her". When I found out I broke it off and though I was upset it was over I was also very glad I did too.

I know you're upset and we can all go a bit mad in such circumstances but try and keep your powder dry, until ALL the facts are in. If he has played away, then deal with that. If you can get through it together fine, if not leave him, but wait before you leap any further.

My 3 cents anyway.

OP can I suggest that your current line of inquiry is not just damaging but risky. You are risking blowing something that could end up not being that bad into something worse that ends your relationship.

Instead why not take an entirely different tack to this and address something you know is actually wrong and needs work?

The fact is that your boyfriend got so drunk by 1am that he can not remember a thing. This is not healthy at all. This is what you should be talking to him about, not what you fear may or may not have happened from one single text…. Especially a text that can be interpreted in an infinity of ways.

The way I read the text for example I do not see in it what you did. In fact I received almost that very text from a girl I work with once after a work night out because she did something silly like drunkenly photocopy her boobs on the work copy machine. The text read something like “Oh my I can not believe I did that, it was so wrong, how can I show my face in work again?”

It could be anything! Any one of us could randomly think of a million things it could be. Maybe they spent the night using Ouija boards and she feels bad about it. See how random we could be here?

Instead I think you should be talking to your boyfriend about him binge drinking to the point where he can not remember the night which is both risky and unhealthy. Point out that a text message he got indicates something “wrong” happened and he has no idea what it could be. Was it innocent? Was it cheating? Was it even someone breaking the law??? He owes it to himself, if not you, to find out what this was. If he was involved in something “wrong” surely he should find out what it was.

You can also take the tack with him of pointing out that the girl is in trouble, she did something she is guilty about and it is affecting her so badly that she is even considering ditching work during a time of financial crisis when getting work is not easy. Does she need help? Is she ok? Is she in trouble? Can we do anything for her? Maybe what she needs is some help or understanding from you and her boyfriend not accusations of things that may never have happened? You may find out that rather than this girl being an enemy that she is in fact someone who right now needs a friend. Maybe she trusted him, with or without the aid of drink, with some information she has not shared with someone before and the reason she does not want to show her face in work is she is ashamed of it or wished she never told him.

Ringing the girl over and over and demanding answers from her however will get you nowhere and will only make things worse… or even make something innocent into something awful which is even worse again. Or worst of all if the girl is in dire straits over something, your pressure could make it even worse and make her do something silly.

It is him that should be getting this information not you. Find out what happened, find out if the girl is ok, leave suspicions and recriminations until last.

exofficenew11

Thank you very much to all of the posters here, this has been amazing support for me.

I rang two colleagues who gave me two different stories, he's relatively senior in the company and I don't think they wanted to say anything that would get them in trouble anyway , which I understand.

I have stopped calling that person since last night at around 10:45 pm. Realizing through my stupidity that I could be scaring her etc. She didn't answer once, but she did call in the afternoon - which I missed but called back in a matter of minutes.

Spoke to him about it again last night, and he still "doesn't remember or know" I asked him was he dancing with her, said he was dancing "with a lot of people" , and so doesn't have a clue what happened. He doesn't know I took her number on Tuesday, from his phone, and he mentioned last night "if i find that you will take my phone and her number thinking you must speak to her, I will not be happy about that".. I was too intimidated to reply to him with the truth. Still believing that he knew something. He thinks he fell asleep outside until 5 in the morning and eventually walked home (he was soaking wet when he got in).

So unless she goes to him with the calls, and shows him my number, I should be ok. But then she might do. If she does, I'll say I rang on tuesday when Iwas worried, but that she pursued me then, and I rang her back.

But he said she's been very quiet at work now, and is not talking to anybody.

Right now, I feel more normal, it feels like the storm has passed and that my insanity during this entire thing is subsiding and I'm preparing to accept the loss of my relationship because of my actions, or his. If he is annoyed with me for doing it , great, but I think he'll finish it with me, he said I've been really difficult to live with, and my actions in this case just prove the extent of it.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Wibbs wrote: »

That would be my take too and given I've been cheated on more than once my default position would be more "wtf?" If I read that before I did anything I would look at all the possible explanations. Ok what could they be?

1. New intern on probation and did something really daft work related and doesn't want to go back and face it.
2. Did something really daft with someone else in the company and is embarrassed about it and had discussed this with your boyfriend.
4. Chanced her arm with another bloke and was rebuffed but your BF witnessed this.

The boyfriend would have told her if these were the case. He said it was down to her being drunk but it seems a very OTT text if that were true.

3 Chanced her arm with your BF and was rebuffed.

Though an awkward one, I think most boyfriends would tell the truth about that rather than look guilty of cheating.

5. Went home with someone else at the party and your BF witnessed this

The most likely innocent explanation but I think the boyfriend would have told the OP if that was what happened

6. snogged your BF and is feeling bad about it.

Would say this is what happened.

exofficenew11

The most likely innocent explanation but I think the boyfriend would have told the OP if that was what happened

Quote:
6. snogged your BF and is feeling bad about it.


Would say this is what happened.[/QUOTE]


That's the same train of thought going in my direction anyway. It's frustrating not being told about it though. And give nall we have , he'll probably think that it's too much to risk for something so little.

My mind will not cease to wander. But at least I'm not breaking any laws in doing so.

Mighty_Mouse

I rang two colleagues who gave me two different stories, he's relatively senior in the company and I don't think they wanted to say anything that would get them in trouble anyway , which I understand.

Wow..................just wow!

Your issue is with your bf & not some new intern.

You have zero right to terrorise this girl into telling you something you should be able to find out from your bf.

You then proceeded to inform senior management in your bf's place of work about a personal issue!!!

Sweet lord. Maybe he cheated, maybe he didn't............but the path you chose to deal with this is tacky, unprofessional, humilitating for your bf & intern, lacking dignity...............................etc etc etc.

Seriously, keep your private life, private from here on

So unless she goes to him with the calls, and shows him my number, I should be ok. But then she might do. If she does, I'll say I rang on tuesday when Iwas worried, but that she pursued me then, and I rang her back.

What kinda of a weird foked up relationship do the 2 of ye have in the 1st place?
So the way to fix this is to lie to cover your behaviour............
............
................
the two of ye need to grow up. Honesty will se ye free.

If he kissed her banana's drunk, then so be it.
It happens at xmas parties all the time.
Be honest, fix the relationship & move on.

ManOfMystery

exofficenew11 wrote: »

I have stopped calling that person since last night at around 10:45 pm. Realizing through my stupidity that I could be scaring her etc. She didn't answer once, but she did call in the afternoon - which I missed but called back in a matter of minutes.

Just a quick query OP. You've being phoning this girl relentlessly for a few days, so it sounds like you're desperate to speak to her. Yet, from what I can gather from your posts (and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong), she has rung you back a few times - yet in each case you've missed the call.

If you were so intent on speaking to her, how come you kept missing her calls? Why not keep your phone beside you?

I can appreciate that perhaps you're in work or the like, but if that's the case then where do you get the chance to keep ringing her?

exofficenew11

Just to clarify, and apologies as this may have been unclear because of my erratic posting:

-I rang her a total of 10 times in two days, two or three times on private number. All at evening time between 5-10:45pm

- She rang once. In the afternoon, which I missed and rang back within approx 2 minutes of her call. I had it in my hand while it was ringing but wasn't in a position to answer.

-he is senior of the dept., nobody else senior to him or on par with him knows this in the company, the rest are junior colleagues, the night out was organised by him for the junior colleagues as there are a lot of deadlines up to xmas and they won't get another chance to go out together. Nobody in a position senior to him knows about this, the people I contacted are on his team, under him .

pollypocket10

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Wow..................just wow!

Your issue is with your bf & not some new intern.

You have zero right to terrorise this girl into telling you something you should be able to find out from your bf.

You then proceeded to inform senior management in your bf's place of work about a personal issue!!!

Sweet lord. Maybe he cheated, maybe he didn't............but the path you chose to deal with this is tacky, unprofessional, humilitating for your bf & intern, lacking dignity...............................etc etc etc.

Seriously, keep your private life, private from here on

Hold on a minute, where does it say the OP terrorised anyone? I would say the issue is with both the OP's OH and the Intern, although granted the OH should take more responsibility.

She told colleagues at his place of work who she has already established are personal friends, she is perfectly entitled to discuss issues with them on a personal basis.

What is tacky, unprofessional and humiliating for her bf & the intern is getting so drunk at a work do that you can't remember anything and pass out. What's even tackier and more unprofessional is an intern getting off with a senior member of staff at said work do.

I would say the OP is well within her rights to make inquiries given that her OH isn't forthcoming with the information!