gf kissed another guy

LegacyUser

Just found out from my gf of over 2 years that she kissed another guy last night, a friend of hers (and as of now, an ex-friend of mine) she sees regularly.

I didn't get many details, but she says it was both their faults, that she couldn't defend her actions at all, that the whole thing is a blur, that there was no alcohol involved and she doesn't know why she did it.

She wasn't overtly apologetic, but did seem very upset and ashamed, and she has told me immediately.

There's no chance of her having a relationship with this guy and it's all extremely random.

I feel like crap and am shocked and confused. My mind keeps swinging between "break up with her" and "it was just a kiss".

My gut instinct is to meet up with her and have a proper conversation about what actually happened, try to get to the bottom of why she did it and then take some space to think about it. We didn't have any major relationship problems prior to this.

I'm wondering if this is a good idea, and how long should I wait before actually meeting up with her? I was thinking tomorrow, is this too soon?

Thanks...

Oryx

Whats with the waiting to meet up with her? There are no rules or games you have to play here. If you want to sort it out, then meet her and sort it out.

LegacyUser

Oryx wrote: »

Whats with the waiting to meet up with her? There are no rules or games you have to play here. If you want to sort it out, then meet her and sort it out.

Thanks, that was my instinct, but I had this nagging feeling that I should wait for a few days to let the dust settle/evaluate my feelings/figure out exactly what I wanted to ask/say to her.

But you know what, you're probably right, the sooner I talk to her the sooner we can begin to rebuild, or part our separate ways...

LegacyUser

I think the fact that a) she told you straight away and b) it was just a kiss and not anything sexual and c) drunken behaviour speaks volumes. I would be inclined to give her a second chance - we've all done stupid things while drunk. Heck, I once kissed a gay (male) friend when I was drunk and on holidays, it was stupid and I immediately regretted it and felt awful because I was absolutely 100% madly in love with my boyfriend at the time. I can't explain why it happened - it was just drunkenness.

If she'd slept with him, it'd be a different story. Or if there had been an inkling that she had feeling for him... or if they'd been flirty. If your relationship is otherwise going well, it'd be sad to throw it away over a pointless kiss.

Wibbs

I'd be on it as soon as. Strike while the iron is hot as it were. try not to lose the rag. Sit her down and ask her for her "reasons". Have you had a rough patch recently? Arguments you reckoned were done and dusted? They may not be from her point of view. Can you come back from this as a couple? IMH yes, if the real reason for why comes out and she's honest about it and is willing to work on the relationship. If not...

LighterGuy

ihavearelationshipissue wrote: »

....I'm wondering if this is a good idea, and how long should I wait before actually meeting up with her? I was thinking tomorrow, is this too soon?...

there is no set time to when to meet someone up to discuss things in these situations. Its all up to you.

My two cents?
Just be careful. After 2 years kissing someone and that someone being a male friend she always sees? ... red flag for me. Something like this just doesnt happen. There would have to of been flirting leading up to this. And if she is friends with him for any amount of time - bigger red flag.
Dr Hook's famous song "..when your in love with a beautiful woman, you watch her friends" - very true. But they also left out the bit of "you watch her"

LegacyUser

Thanks guys.

One detail I've left out - the guy is a housemate of hers (along with another person)... They wouldn't have really been friends until a little before she moved into the house, and she's only been living there about a month... They were watching a movie together when it happened.

I can't help but feel that our relationship isn't going to work if she continues to live there...

Bottle_of_Smoke

Don't know how you could trust her after that. Obviously I don't know her but the typical human response would be to give you a watered down version of the actual events.

Yeah single friends can kiss each other in the heat of the moment but when a two year relationship is at stake it doesn't happen unless there's some feeling there.

Think of what's ahead, do you really want to have to have to mount a surveillance operation on her interactions with all her male friends?

Cut her loose before you let your emotions blur the gravity of the incident.

LegacyUser

She wasn't overtly apologetic, but did seem very upset and ashamed, and she has told me immediately.

OP i think this would be the nail in the coffin for me. If it was just a stupid mistake she'd be begging for your forgiveness, "not being overtly apologetic" is not the action of a woman who regrets what she has done, yes she may be upset and ashamed that she has cheated but it doesn't sound like she's actually sorry the kiss happened.

Add in the fact that she's been living with this guy for a month and i think its game over OP
As has been said this has obviously been brewing for a while, you don't just kiss someone you've been living with for a month on a whim.

I can't help but feel that our relationship isn't going to work if she continues to live there...

No OP i don't think your relationship can work when she clearly has strong feelings for someone else, i know that sounds harsh, but you deserve better than to be second best.


As an aside :

There's no chance of her having a relationship with this guy and it's all extremely random

Why exactly is there no chance of a relationship with him? Has he got a girlfriend? It may be less random than you think OP, its one thing for one person to cheat, but for both of them to cheat would suggest there are actually stronger feelings between them than you think....

I am a friend

Hmmmmm... I would suspect, if you were to let this one go that you would be setting yourself up for trouble down the line. She doesnt know how it happened - come on.... She is not apologising. She lives with him..... Ask her but then will you be able to believe her or him? Is she going to continue to live there and would you be happy with that. I think, given that it is so close to home, it must have been somewhat premediatated...... Dunno but its not good.

greengiant09

ihavearelationshipissue wrote: »

Thanks guys.

One detail I've left out - the guy is a housemate of hers (along with another person)... They wouldn't have really been friends until a little before she moved into the house, and she's only been living there about a month... They were watching a movie together when it happened.

I can't help but feel that our relationship isn't going to work if she continues to live there...

you're dead right there...there's no way on earth you will have any peace of mind while they are living in the same house. the fact that she doesn't seem that remorseful is alarming too. when you weigh it all up, it doesn't look like she's worth a 2nd chance unless she's willing to do some serious grovelling and move out.

trebor28

girlgirl1 wrote: »

I think the fact that a) she told you straight away and b) it was just a kiss and not anything sexual and c) drunken behaviour speaks volumes. I would be inclined to give her a second chance - we've all done stupid things while drunk. Heck, I once kissed a gay (male) friend when I was drunk and on holidays, it was stupid and I immediately regretted it and felt awful because I was absolutely 100% madly in love with my boyfriend at the time. I can't explain why it happened - it was just drunkenness.

If she'd slept with him, it'd be a different story. Or if there had been an inkling that she had feeling for him... or if they'd been flirty. If your relationship is otherwise going well, it'd be sad to throw it away over a pointless kiss.

the op said there was no drink involved so your argument is nul and void.


op,
as others have said, and you said yourself, she wasnt over apologetic.
she also said it was both their faults, how was it his fault as such??
does he have a girlfriend? he didnt cheat on you.
she hadnt drink taken so she was 100% sober, it was all her fault.

what i would say to you to do is to break it off with her.
that was you'll find out for certain how sorry she is and if she really wants you she will be eager to get back together with you.

as it stands you havent had it out with her face to face so she has had a lot of time to go over things in her head.
i would be worried about this.

S23

Some good advice in here so I won't rehash most of it.

What struck me was

a) she wasn't overly apologetic
and
b) it happed within a month of her starting to share a house with this lad

So it didn't take long for this 'accident' to happen and she wasn't that apologetic about it.

How you're meant to trust her is hard enough to start with but the fact they will continue to live together means you'll be driven to distraction most of the time. It's only human too.

You need to have a serious and to the point discussion with her a.s.a.p

THEZAPPA

trebor28 wrote: »

the op said there was no drink involved so your argument is nul and void.


op,
as others have said, and you said yourself, she wasnt over apologetic.
she also said it was both their faults, how was it his fault as such??
does he have a girlfriend? he didnt cheat on you.
she hadnt drink taken so she was 100% sober, it was all her fault.

what i would say to you to do is to break it off with her.
that was you'll find out for certain how sorry she is and if she really wants you she will be eager to get back together with you.

as it stands you havent had it out with her face to face so she has had a lot of time to go over things in her head.
i would be worried about this.

I agree with this. No drink was involved so she was completely aware of her actions and same with him. Meaning there is no excuse for it.

Obviously there is attraction between them op and if I was you I would talk to her soon but take time to think about whether you want to continue the relationship and feel comfortable and trust her. Just because she may move out may not mean they will stop talking etc.

Be wary op.

Hope all works out for you.

Darlughda

Unfortunately, so many people are gutless swines when it comes to breaking up. OH GOSH, I snogged my housemate sober. What does this mean, I wonder??

Cue, your goodself having to force the issue...is she wanting to break up??

Sneaky, snakey behaviour forcing your hand. Sorry OP, she is wanting out of your relationship together and she doesnt have the guts and balls to be honest and direct about it.

LegacyUser

thunder_girl wrote: »

Why exactly is there no chance of a relationship with him? Has he got a girlfriend? It may be less random than you think OP, its one thing for one person to cheat, but for both of them to cheat would suggest there are actually stronger feelings between them than you think....

Well the thing is, he's very likely gay... I know he's had a gf in the past, but he frequently kisses and goes home with guys on nights out these days...

I appreciate the sentiment in here. But I think my "wasn't overtly apologetic" has been given a little too much focus. She did seem deeply regretful and was kind of lost for words...

I'm meeting with her tomorrow, I am willing to give her a second chance given that she assures me that she does still want to be with me, explains exactly what happened, explains to me the reasons why she did it, and is willing to move out.

I will not be a doormat, but I'm not willing to throw 2 years away without serious consideration.

krudler

Tell her you forgive her, but that she has to move out if she wants to salvage the relationship, if she does, she will.

Then wait for her to househunt, pay deposits, move her stuff, get settled in..

Then dump her cheating ass.

dudara

krudler Mature adults don't play games like that. If you have nothing constructive to add, then please don't post

dudara

ihavearelationshipissue

ihavearelationshipissue wrote: »

I'm wondering if this is a good idea, and how long should I wait before actually meeting up with her? I was thinking tomorrow, is this too soon?

I would say as long as it takes for you to feel you can discuss it with her without getting overly emotional. If you think you are going to get upset or start shouting or crying then it is too soon. If you think you can discuss it with her calmly then the time is right.

Obviously this is not easy, you might think you are ready and then it turns out you are not, but all you can do is your best.

It is important to do your best though as getting overly emotional can make things worse than they are. Or they can make it so that the answers she gives you are not the truth but whatever she thinks you want to hear to make it better. The calmer and more understanding you are, the better the chance she will be both open and honest.

After getting her answers the best you can do is go away and make a decision for yourself. Do not do it with her as being with her can influence you. You need to consider her answers, consider how you feel about them and make the best decision you can on what to do next. Then you return to her with this thinking done and work on this together as a couple.

It may help to return here for that part and let us know what was said and how you feel about it.

LegacyUser

I broke up with her.

As bad as what she did was, she was honest about the fact that she couldn't assure me it wouldn't happen again.

There are other things at play here. I'm moving away for a job abroad next year and she was freaked out by the prospect.

I forgave her, but we couldn't stay together.

Don't feel as bad as I thought I was. I feel almost relieved that the ordeal of having the talk with her is over and that I can get on with my life.

LighterGuy

At least you dont feel as bad as you thought op

But there is still a lesson to be learned here. Mainly with you going away. I've seen it happen to others, i've even experienced it myself... when one party is moving away one parter usually steps out of the relationship and from what ive seen... cheats.
Which is totally wrong. Because rather than end things when they feel "this is coming to an end" to perhaps maintain a friendship, they'll continue dating and do the dirt.


Good riddance op. Thats all I can say. Remember she could of discussed this before cheating. She was just thinking about herself. You did the right thing.

LegacyUser

LighterGuy wrote: »

At least you dont feel as bad as you thought op

I spoke too soon. It comes in waves. Right now I feel like absolute crap and incredibly lonely...

Zeouterlimits

ihavearelationshipissue wrote: »

I spoke too soon. It comes in waves. Right now I feel like absolute crap and incredibly lonely...

It was a 2 year relationship. You're going to hurt, even more so considering the circumstances it's only natural.
Just have to distract yourself as best you can, with friends and new hobbies.

Yeah it is a bad idea to expect to feel unmoved and "ok" after this. You will be hurt by it. Even those who get out of the worst relationships imaginable will feel hurt by it. It is letting go of something that at one time you really wanted to see work. In essence it is a failed project, and failed projects always hurt.

Moving on is the best thing to do and if you are sure this was the right choice for you then never lose sight of the reasons you made that choice, no matter what other emotions will inevitably come to you.

LegacyUser

Here's the thing, right now I don't think it was the right choice any more...

We were so happy right up until this.

I didn't talk to her properly about my potential job abroad. The interviews etc. all happened so fast, and she didn't tell me about her feelings in relation to it because she didn't want to worry me during the interviews.

Right now all I want to do is call her and ask her if we rushed this decision to break up...

I'm pretty emotional right now though, I guess I'll give it a couple of days before I contact her.

(I know you're all going to hammer me for even thinking this way, but I can't help it...)

Well I still stand by my advice in my first post above, in that you should wait until you are thinking at least mostly with your head and not your heart.

If you think you are acting on emotion it is too soon. You need to work out with your head and your heart what it is you actually want and then go from there to decide if this is the partner you can have it with. If she is not the right one for you and your expectations of what a relationship will mean to you, then you have your answer.

S23

No one is going to hammer you for thinking what you are thinking OP. It's the easiest thing in the world for us to be practical because we are detached from the situation but you are obviously going to be emotional about this because you are directly involved.

All I will say to you is this. She still wasn't apologetic when it happend. She still didn't take very long to make this 'mistake' once she'd moved in with this lad. And the final nail in the coffin/exclamation mark that it was time to move on was that she actually said she couldn't promise you it wouldn't happen again.

I'm sorry but she actually told you she couldn't promise you she wouldn't cheat on you again. That's all you need to know.

As for your issues (real or imagined with your OH) about moving abroad. If she really cared and wanted to talk about them or address them she would have spoken to you or approached them in another way. Cheating on someone is not a way of showing how much you care about them and are going to miss them if they leave.

You've done the hard part here OP. Of course your emotions are raw but you just need to hang in there. As it is it really seems like you're starting to make excuses for this girl. She's told you she can't promise to be faithful.

So you ring her up, give her the excuse of moving away being part of this and then get back together. You'll get the instant gratification of the familiarity being back. But what happens when she cheats on you again like shes suggested she probably will? How good is that going to feel for you? You need to stick to your guns here.

cojomo2

ihavearelationshipissue wrote: »

I broke up with her.

As bad as what she did was, she was honest about the fact that she couldn't assure me it wouldn't happen again.

There are other things at play here. I'm moving away for a job abroad next year and she was freaked out by the prospect.

I forgave her, but we couldn't stay together.

Don't feel as bad as I thought I was. I feel almost relieved that the ordeal of having the talk with her is over and that I can get on with my life.

As another poser already mentioned, this is the deciding factor..this may not be nice to hear, but the fact she told you that she can't promise you she won't cheat again says to me that she actually wanted you to end it, because she didn't have the guts to..

That_Guy

ihavearelationshipissue wrote: »

Thanks guys.

One detail I've left out - the guy is a housemate of hers (along with another person)... They wouldn't have really been friends until a little before she moved into the house, and she's only been living there about a month... They were watching a movie together when it happened.

I can't help but feel that our relationship isn't going to work if she continues to live there...

Whoa whoa whoa.

That is a huge detail to leave out dude.

Personally, I'd get rid. You deserve better and I know myself I'd never have peace of mind especially if she lives with the chap.

It's not worth racking your brains about mate. Seriously.

Hayzooz

Darlughda wrote: »

Sorry OP, she is wanting out of your relationship together and she doesnt have the guts and balls to be honest and direct about it.

Absolutely spot-on.

You did the right thing.

Nevyn

We expect more civility then that on this forum Hayzooz,
I suggest you read the charter before you post again.