Leaving after sex problems?

LegacyUser

The short story here is when i met my bf he expressed interest in certain areas of sex that i was also interested in, we talked about exploring those interests together further down the line. Fast forward to now when i've start suggesting these things and my bf says he's not really into it, just lied to make himself sound more adventurous in bed. The sex between us isn't bad but it isn't great and i thought one day when we were exploring of of our "mutual2 fantasties that it would be great. Now he's shut the door on that and our just ok sex life is what i'm left with.

I feel a bit cheated tbh, and i'm considering leaving him over it. Its not just that he lied but all the time over the months we've spoken about never once said he wasn't into experimenting until i was trying to organise something. He doesn't put in a lot of effort in the bedroom and has a lower sex life than me. Now that the possibility of it getting better has been taken away i'm not sure i can stick this out.

Can you share your thoughts with me? Because i'm finding the idea of dumping someone over sex a bit mean but don't know how to stick it out

sbsquarepants

I think it's fairly simple really, couples need to be compatible in bed, if you aren't it will lead to major problems. It sounds meaner than it actually is, why should you be unhappy to please someone else? The way things stand one of you will have to be, either you - because you feel you're missing out or him - because he feels he's being forced to do something he doesn't want. Neither situation is fair. It's no different to not liking any other aspect of someones personality, you may just not be suited?

Cheap Thrills!

He tricked you and now he wants you to live with a boring, unfulfilling sex life?

How can you, you would end up deeply resenting him and inevitably cheating if you stay together. I would be mad as hell, he's not who he pretended to be and wouldn't be able to get over the deceit !

Nevyn

Some people talk alot about what they'd like to do but when ti comes to the time and effort to make it happen and taking the risk they won't. They prefer the idea, nothing wrong with that per say but if your not happy then your not and I dont' think it's an unreasonable thing to break up wtih some one over.

pwd

If this was a man complaining that a woman had backed out of trying something, then I think he would be receiving more criticism.

It doesn't sound like he tricked her. It sounds like he got cold feet, or didn't realise she wanted to go further than just imagining whatever it is. I agree he should have been more honest with her/himself about it, but it doesn't sound like anything calculated.

You either want to be with with someone or you dont, it's really that simple. You shouldn't stay with someone because you think the reason you want to break up is mean. I think you should think it over first though, as you might be having a bit of a kneejerk reaction.

It sounds like you want to involve other people in some way in your sex life, because you said you were trying to "organise something". Am I right?

LegacyUser

no, when i said organise something i meant move beyond the talking about it stage.

As is said at the beginning we were talking about stuff, from very simple stuff to a little more progressed sexual stuff. It was exciting to both of us as we each said now we'd have the chance to try it. All through our relationship we've been talking about such things and now that i'm trying to do it he said he was just lying to make himself sound better. He doesn't want to do anything more than what we're doing now which is 5 mins of foreplay, 2 mins of sex about twice a week. I thought when we started trying new things our sex life would pick up but its not and he doesn't understand how i'm not happy with our sex life.

We've talked about it and the only thing he has said is he will buy me a vibrator so i can get myself to the point, (while he's watching the match!) and then have his fun so we both get somewhere


I'm not trying to force him into anything, thats ridiculous, what i'm saying is i feel a bit cheated on because he'd talked a lot about trying new things and now the most adventureous he will get is me with a vibrator while he's watching tv?????

Smallbit

pwd wrote: »

If this was a man complaining that a woman had backed out of trying something, then I think he would be receiving more criticism. ...

...It sounds like you want to involve other people in some way in your sex life, because you said you were trying to "organise something". Am I right?

+1 there does seem to be a little inverted sexism here!

and people's attitudes change as their relationship develops. I might have indicated to my boyfriend that I'd try certain things when we first got together. Now that I actually love him, I'd be far less likely to risk what we have...

Emme

Do you love him enough to stay with him despite the quiet sex life? Relationships are about give and take and compromise.

If you're unwilling to compromise and don't think the relationship is worth salvaging perhaps you'd both be better off with other partners. Him with somebody who is happy with a relatively quiet sex life (but he might be the height of excitement for somebody else) and you with somebody who genuinely wants to explore your fantasies.

Nevyn

If you have an issue with a post report it, do not make off topic comments.
The OP hasnt' stated what gender they are they could well be a guy in a relationship with another guy.

Ickle Magoo

mountainsoutofmolehills wrote: »

no, when i said organise something i meant move beyond the talking about it stage.

As is said at the beginning we were talking about stuff, from very simple stuff to a little more progressed sexual stuff. It was exciting to both of us as we each said now we'd have the chance to try it. All through our relationship we've been talking about such things and now that i'm trying to do it he said he was just lying to make himself sound better. He doesn't want to do anything more than what we're doing now which is 5 mins of foreplay, 2 mins of sex about twice a week. I thought when we started trying new things our sex life would pick up but its not and he doesn't understand how i'm not happy with our sex life.

We've talked about it and the only thing he has said is he will buy me a vibrator so i can get myself to the point, (while he's watching the match!) and then have his fun so we both get somewhere


I'm not trying to force him into anything, thats ridiculous, what i'm saying is i feel a bit cheated on because he'd talked a lot about trying new things and now the most adventureous he will get is me with a vibrator while he's watching tv?????

I'm not sure that what he said prior to getting together actually has very much anything to do with it...I have a feeling if he was fantastic between the sheets and you were happy, him backing out of it wouldn't be as much of an issue as it is. As things stand, his backing out of something you think would be uber exciting is compounded by your boyfriend being a pretty lazy and inadequate lover.

I think it's time to sit him down and spell out how you feel, not just about his admission that he lied to make himself sound better but also that you aren't happy with your sex life anyway.

All the best

Zen65

mountainoutofamolehill? wrote: »

Fast forward to now when i've start suggesting these things and my bf says he's not really into it, just lied to make himself sound more adventurous in bed.

Did he actually say that he lied to make himself more interesting, or is that your inference?

If he really did deliberately deceive you then it was frankly very poor judgement on his part, and most unfair on you. It would be akin to somebody declaring themselves a non-smoker only for you to find out they smoked all along.

What now? You have every right to decide this is a deal-breaker, and leave. Only you can know whether or not the relationship compensates sufficiently in other ways.

Alternatively, you could explore options with bf:

* That you find a F*buddy to satisfy your sexual appetite. This is most unlikely to be a good long-term solution, but you may well discover that your fantasies don't satisfy you as much as you imagined when you actually try them. It would be a shame to discover this and then find you've missed out on a loving relationship.

* Persuade your bf to try these ideas at least once (I think that's reasonable, unless there are third-parties involved in your fantasies which frankly is an experiment too far in most people's estimation), and if he does not enjoy them then just leave it at that.

* Look to explore other ideas with your bf to spruce up the bedroom antics. It's very, very early for you to be bored with things already and if he won't explore any variety then I'm afraid your relationship is pretty much over.

A sexless relationship is doomed to failure, and if it is sexless because one of the parties has chosen to deliberately withhold sex (or to withhold pleasure) then that is a form of infidelity, imho. In your situation it appears your partner views sex as being primarily for his pleasure, and that's not an encouraging sign.

Talk, explore, decide.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

I am a woman in a relationship with a man. He clearly told me he was interested in the same things i was and seemed excited about possibly trying it. The whole way through the relationship he said he was looking forward to trying things, now that i suggested baby steps in the experimentation he just said awh listen i only said that to sound a bit more adventurous in bed, not into all that really.


To be clear i was asking to START experimenting not to go full circle into severe bondage or anything!!! What i was suggesting was quite simple like different positions, sex outside of a bed etc.


I'm not saying i'm sexism gone wrong or whatever the general theme here is, but having spoken to him to say i'm unhappy about this the suggestion was he could watch tv while i get myself going and then he could pop in, do his in out and thats that

28064212

mountainsoutofmolehills wrote: »

I'm not saying i'm sexism gone wrong or whatever the general theme here is, but having spoken to him to say i'm unhappy about this the suggestion was he could watch tv while i get myself going and then he could pop in, do his in out and thats that

Leave him. You're not sexually compatible, in fact you're at complete opposite ends of the sexual spectrum. Neither of you are "wrong", but your relationship will never have a happy sex-life, which is very important. Dumping someone over sexual incompatibilities is a much better reason than many alternatives.

pwd

Sounds like an arsehole saying that about the match alright. Very derogratory imo.

I don't believe that different positions or sex outside a bed requires much preliminary discussion, or would be an issue for anyone. Fair enough if you don't want to say what you wanted to do though - I was just being nosy by trying to guess.

astra2000

pwd wrote: »

Sounds like an arsehole saying that about the match alright. Very derogratory imo.

I don't believe that different positions or sex outside a bed requires much preliminary discussion, or would be an issue for anyone. Fair enough if you don't want to say what you wanted to do though - I was just being nosy by trying to guess.

Ya I agree here I initialy thought the things you were on about op were beyond the realms of my imagination tbh.:D Now it appears that it is fairly "normal" stuff nothing too outrageous. It does seem like ye will never be sexually compatible.

LegacyUser

Well tbh what we would have been working towards was more than your average romp, which is why i haven't been able to act out those fantasies. But for now all i was asking for was a few different positions and maybe a bit of sex in the shower, etc Theres no need to go in detail on that though, its not relevant.

He told me he lied and has continued lying up until i started to say ok lets do this, it wasn't that he got cold feet (which i could understand) he was never interested in anything more than what we have now. I really care for him but i find myself completely turned off him now as the sex is rubbish and he doesn't care, he doesn't care that he lied or that i'm not satisified. He's just happy because he is and doesn't see a problem

Neyite

mountainsoutofmolehills? wrote: »

I really care for him but i find myself completely turned off him now as the sex is rubbish and he doesn't care, he doesn't care that he lied or that i'm not satisified. He's just happy because he is and doesn't see a problem

leaving aside experimentation for a moment - he is looking after his own satisfaction and is dismissive of your pleasure.thats wrong, for any type of intimacy, from kissing to the more unusual stuff.

wrote:

We've talked about it and the only thing he has said is he will buy me a vibrator so i can get myself to the point, (while he's watching the match!) and then have his fun so we both get somewhere

so he is actually just telling you to get on with your own foreplay while he is watching a match and 'hopping on' for the finale?? :eek:

thats not sexual inexperience or dullness. thats just the height of laziness on his part. the extent of his involvement in your orgasm is to buy you a vibrator?? thats downright insulting. he has zero interest in being your lover. and in turn, you are naturally starting to have zero interest in him.

wrote:

he doesn't understand how i'm not happy with our sex life.
He doesn't want to do anything more than what we're doing now which is 5 mins of foreplay, 2 mins of sex about twice a week.

well its easy to be happy with what he has when he is getting his orgasam and makes him essentially a very selfish person. if he is not going to even be interested in basic straightforward sex i cant see how you are going to persuade him to do anything more unusual.

yungwan

OP your bf sounds very lazy and very selfish imo. And most likely it will flow into other parts of your lives together.

I dont know how long you guys are together, but if I were you I would consider ending it.

If your bf does not treat your pleasure as a priority and is unwilling to change even the basics like change from missionary he is not worth it.

Was he even eager to please at the beggining or has he always just treated his pleasure as priority?

You mention the usual as being "5 mins foreplay, 2 minutes sex" - how on earth have you put up with this for so long? :eek: While this may be enough for some people, it is obviously not enough for you, and rightly so. I think you have done well to not get frustrated before this, and if talking and suggesting change isnt getting you anywhere, I think the relationship has reached the end.

fungun

agree with the above posts.....if he cant even be arsed to try to keep a healthy sexual partnership going then your reln is doomed.

Not even anything to do with the experimentation. You are going to be unhappy about this and it will come up again and again, with you feeling more and more unfulfilled.

CdeC

if you really fancy someone, you want to do the deed with them and not have it over and done with in a few minutes.
I understand people can have different sex drives but unless people are willing to compromise and at least make an effort than it's going to be hard to make it work.
I think you know what needs to be done OP, have a talk with him and lay done the ultimatum.

StarryMoon0

Ok, initially I was thinking you were wanting to bring in some kink, and was thinking that well, if he doesn't want to, thats his choice.
However, you make refernece to a simple change in location, or position.

I would think of myself as quite sexually reserved, however, I have never thought of sex on the sofa, or the floor, or a new position as "exploring or adventerous"!
To me thats part of plain ole sex.

I gotta be honest, in my opinion you are not asking for much here. You are asking for some small things which I would think are a part of most people's normal sexual experiences. TBH I would never consider aksing my partner if we could have sex on the sofa, I'd simply initiate it on the sofa and not move

miec

Hi Op

I had a similar issue to you in the past. When I met my ex, he said he wanted to experiment and try stuff out, when we were dating he was passionate, tender and caring, the day we moved in together he changed. I become more and more like his friend. Sex was slotted around television, it became more and more infrequent and I became lonelier. I realised that it wasn't just sex that I was missing but intimacy and fun. When we didn't have sex there was also no touching, no proper kissing, nothing. When sex occurred it was brief. I needed romance, touching, etc. Now everyones needs are different, my ex was who he was, it was a shame he lied to me, but in reality he had a low sex drive and a fear of intimacy. I could not live with that so we broke up, was I selfish, yes, I did it for the right reason because I knew if I had of stayed with my ex that eventually someone giving me the glad eye and I may have been a goner and I would hate to do the dirt, so I ended it. You have to be true to yourself and do right by yourself and all this tosh about sexism etc, is plain annoying, I wouldn't expect anyone to stay in a sexless or semi sexless situation unless they were content with it.

cafecolour

mountainsoutofmolehills wrote: »

He doesn't want to do anything more than what we're doing now which is 5 mins of foreplay, 2 mins of sex about twice a week. I thought when we started trying new things our sex life would pick up but its not and he doesn't understand how i'm not happy with our sex life.

We've talked about it and the only thing he has said is he will buy me a vibrator so i can get myself to the point, (while he's watching the match!) and then have his fun so we both get somewhere

Wait what? Forget the adventurous - he won't even perform normal sex! He doesn't want to put work into bringing you to orgasm, he just wants to stick it, orgasm and leave?

He sounds like a right selfish twat, I'd say get out of that relationship.

Zen65

mountainsoutofmolehills? wrote: »

I really care for him but i find myself completely turned off him now as the sex is rubbish and he doesn't care, he doesn't care that he lied or that i'm not satisified. He's just happy because he is and doesn't see a problem

I'm afraid this is most unlikely to get any better than it is. If you feel strong enough to move on and find someone more compatible, then I suggest you do.


Be at peace,

Z