Boyfriend wants me to move in

LegacyUser

Ok heres the thing, a few months ago I moved into a different place, cheaper rent with bills included as I have been struggling, dont realy like this place but however its helped me out quite a lot financially.

My boyfriend wants me to move in with him now, as it would seriously help him out as he is struggling very hard just like me.

Thing is he lives an extra hour away from my work and wants me to pay the same rent plus bills?

I know I this would be hard with the extra driving and I really couldnt afford to pay an extra €150 or more a month right now. He is dissapointed in this now and I think dissapointed in me.

I think the world of him and I do want to help him out, but I moved into a cheaper place to get myself on my feet. I got a new job 15k less than what I was on previously, and I know even with cheaper rent and bills included it will still take a long time to get back on my feet.

Any advice? I just feel pathetic and upset right now, I dont feel like I am in a position to help out this way, yes I do want to move in with him and helo him out but just feel that I cant

Maple

Moved from TLL.

Maple.

ztoical

If you moved in just to help him out of a tight spot but ended putting yourself into more trouble it would just be a bad circle and with money worries and a longer commute you could run the risk of being really bitter towards him.

Is it not an option to find a cheaper place to share that suits you both? Is he tied into a lease or can't move for work reasons?

Sleepy

Could ye move in somewhere mid-way between where ye both work?

It's a good time to be a renter and living together can save ye money on lots of other things.

lau1247

can he move to your place instead?? is that an option for him?

LegacyUser

I am renting a room, sharing a house with other people. His place is his own and it is his mortgage so there is definitely no chance of him moving in here or moving somewhere else.

He is struggling a lot an awful lot, so am I and he does know this.

The location of where he lives, he wouldn't get the same for renting out one room, he would get less if he rented a room (he did try before in fairness). I wouldn't mind paying that, but I just cant afford the bills, esb, gas, sky tv etc. My last place I shared these bills with 3 people (not two) and I could hardly afford that!

He says this shouldn't be about money it should be about living somewhere i like and with someone i want to be, comfort etc.
I have struggled a lot, i am behind in every single loan i have. I have went unregistered in this because any other threads i have been on, one of the first things people has said to me move to somewhere else that is cheaper, i have already done that and i have accepted it, as i said my place isnt great living with a lot younger people etc, but i have learned to deal with it.

Yet he is struggling so bad, i think so much of him, and when i said it to him, i felt so bad that i could not contribute fairly, he just said "forget about it, its not happening", now i feel like i am useless to any person.

I just dont know what to say to him or how to help him, he says "this is the only way I can help him".

I am starting to think now, maybe he would be better off with someone else who could afford this.

How sad is this, everything is financial in a recession, but i dont mean it to be, if i could afford him to help him fairly, i would like a rocket, but I just cant, if i did move him, i would have to forget about upping my loan payments from the dole, loans which have got nowhere in the last couple of years.
I know money should not affect a relationship, I feel like a terrible person now, am I??

confusticated

Course you're not a terrible person, you're doing your best and that's all anyone can do.

Could ye negociate the rent a bit? Like splitting the bills could be fair enough, because to a certain extent two people's bills will be more than one, electricity etc, but make the rent much cheaper? It'd be better than what he's getting now (ie nothing) at any rate, it'd be some help.

You've already made changes to sort money problems, can he? I understand he can't move but has he talked to the bank? Maybe there'd be some way of managing the mortgage so he'd be able to cope with it?

I think you're being really sensible actually, no point in you making your financial situation a lot worse to improve someone else's - and I know that sounds selfish, but it's true too. Best of luck, hope ye work it out between ye.

ztoical

soulymate wrote: »

He says this shouldn't be about money it should be about living somewhere i like and with someone i want to be, comfort etc.

But it clearly is about the money as he is struggling and thats a main factor in his asking you to move in. I'm sure yes he also would like to live with you but he's being very unfair to you over this saying it's not about money.

I agree with confusticated that you are being very sensible and thinking with the head and not the heart here as many of us just want to help our loved ones and jump straight in and don't think of the added burden it will place on us and the stress it will place on a relationship. He is asking you to take on 50% of his debt while you've already got debt of your own. It is his debt not yours, yes he is your boyfriend and you would like to help but it is a debt he created and the soloution he has offered is not fair on either of you. You would be helping to pay his mortgage and what would you have? You'd basicly be in a rent a room scheme from a legal stand point. If you broke up he can toss you out without any notice. I know that's the extreme example but you would be paying 50% and technically have no say as it would be his house. If moving in together was going to help you both out of some debt I could understand him wanting to do it but it sounds like it well help him only in the short term but once you've put yourself back in more debt as a result of moving you won't be able to help him and you'll both end up worse off then you are now.

He needs to go speak with his bank or someone in the SWO to see what mortgage relief options there are out there for him, he needs to go through his expenses and cut his bills down...can his switch to cheaper sky package or get rid of it altogether? He needs to do what you've already done and make some changes, some which he may not like, to get through this and ask you again about moving in later down the line when your both back on your feet.

LittleBook

soulymate wrote: »

He says this shouldn't be about money it should be about living somewhere i like and with someone i want to be, comfort etc.

Yet he is struggling so bad, i think so much of him, and when i said it to him, i felt so bad that i could not contribute fairly, he just said "forget about it, its not happening", now i feel like i am useless to any person.

I just dont know what to say to him or how to help him, he says "this is the only way I can help him".

I know money should not affect a relationship, I feel like a terrible person now, am I??

I'm so sorry OP but it sounds like he's trying to emotionally manipulate you into helping him sort out his own financial problems. I understand that he may feel desperate but this is simply not fair.

If you would like to live with him, offer him a compromise ... perhaps pay the same rent you're on now but not the bills ... in exchange you'll be helping him with his financial situation (whatever rent you pay is better than nothing) while you'll be saving some money but dealing with a longer commute to work.

But I really don't like his approach here, he wants to get as much from you as possible but sacrifice nothing himself.

28064212

Essentially, he is asking you for money. That's it. There's nothing in your posts that suggests moving in was part of either of your plans, and if he wasn't in financial straits, you wouldn't be moving in together. So he is asking you specifically for money. He's doing it in a roundabout way, but he is asking you for a handout that you can't afford. And an extra hour commute? That's a ridiculous request.

If he wants to rent out to someone, then that's what he should be doing. He should not be putting you in this situation. This isn't your problem OP, you have enough problems of your own to deal with without taking someone else's on.

Emme

Are you engaged or has he talked about marriage? If not I'd be very wary of moving in with him.

How Strange

soulymate wrote: »

He says this shouldn't be about money it should be about living somewhere i like and with someone i want to be, comfort etc.

Soulymate, your bf is being very unfair to you. Of course its all about money and he's making it all about money. He's projecting his financial worries onto you and trying to make you feel responsible for his problems.

You don't say how long you two are together. Myself and my now husband moved in together a few years ago. It was his apartment and I was quite nervous about that because if we broke up I was out on my ear without anything. In the end we agreed that I would pay a fixed amount every month
which included bills. His mortgage was quite manageable so the rent was low enough. However I wouldn't have moved from living in a lovely part of the city centre out to the sticks (which I did) if he'd wanted me to pay more in rent that I was paying before.

I have struggled a lot, i am behind in every single loan i have.

IMO you have to prioritise your own financial position over that of your bf's. You've clearly taken steps to sort yourself out which is fantastic and you have to keep doing that.

Yet he is struggling so bad, i think so much of him, and when i said it to him, i felt so bad that i could not contribute fairly, he just said "forget about it, its not happening", now i feel like i am useless to any person. I just dont know what to say to him or how to help him, he says "this is the only way I can help him".

I know this sounds heartless but his financial problems are not your responsibility and I think he's being very unfair by projecting them onto you. I'd even be questionning the durability of the relationship if he was trying to strong arm you into sorting out his financial mess to the detriment of your own. I can understand that he's probably panicking but he's being quite passive aggressive and cowardly if he's putting the responsibility onto you.

I know money should not affect a relationship, I feel like a terrible person now, am I??

I don't think you're a terrible person at all. You seem quite sensible and together and I think in your gut you know that what your bf is trying to get you to do is wrong. It's a horrible position to be in but it seems (from your post) that your bf has put you in this position.

Genghiz Cohen

LittleBook wrote: »

If you would like to live with him, offer him a compromise ... perhaps pay the same rent you're on now but not the bills ... in exchange you'll be helping him with his financial situation (whatever rent you pay is better than nothing) while you'll be saving some money but dealing with a longer commute to work.

I like this idea.

Nody

Only going to echo the above that he's looking for money and nothing else; a 1h commute extra? You got to be kidding me and this is excluding the cost of fuel etc. in doing so.

If he wanted to do it for you "to live together" then he'd work out a reasonble budget to make this possible. For example that you pay X in rent (which is same as now) and Z for common costs which he has any way (i.e. internet, heating etc.). Now Z should imo reflect the differences in income (i.e. if he makes 75k and you make 25k I'd expect him to pay 3 EUR for every 1 EUR you pay etc.) if he's interested in you moving there and not your money.

I am a friend

I personally would not want to move in with someone just to help them out. I would want it to be the next step in our relationship and not just for practicailities. Its going to put you out and cost you money so it doesnt make sense. Dont feel bullied into it - it should be a joint decision.

LegacyUser

Your boyfriend is emotionally blackmailing you. If he wants someone to 'help him out', why doesn't he get a lodger instead of trying to manipulate you and make you feel guilty! "The only way you could help him"?!!! That's EXTREMELY unfair and very selfish, in my opinion..

LittleBook

HJKHH wrote: »

why doesn't he get a lodger instead of trying to manipulate you and make you feel guilty!

soulymate wrote: »

The location of where he lives, he wouldn't get the same for renting out one room, he would get less if he rented a room (he did try before in fairness). I wouldn't mind paying that, but I just cant afford the bills, esb, gas, sky tv etc. My last place I shared these bills with 3 people (not two) and I could hardly afford that!

So he's tried to get a lodger, couldn't get enough money because of the location of his place, so he expects his girlfriend to just move in and pay (non-market rate) rent as a favour to him and have an extra hour commute. :mad:

soulymate wrote: »

I moved into a cheaper place to get myself on my feet. I got a new job 15k less than what I was on previously, and I know even with cheaper rent and bills included it will still take a long time to get back on my feet.
...
I am renting a room, sharing a house with other people. His place is his own and it is his mortgage so there is definitely no chance of him moving in here or moving somewhere else.

He is struggling a lot an awful lot, so am I and he does know this.

He says this shouldn't be about money it should be about living somewhere i like and with someone i want to be, comfort etc.

He's taking advantage of the fact that you've admitted where you live currently isn't ideal.

Seriously OP, he's being absurdly unfair on you. I would normally have some sympathy for someone in his situation but not for this guy and neither should you.

Decide what works for you and stick with it but don't leave yourself at a further disadvantage just to solve his problem. You've done so well turning things around, don't get sucked back down.

If he loves you, he'll completely understand.

Darlughda

You have already made the compromises to sort out your financial problems, and moving into together does not mean your finances will be better together, as you have mentioned regarding bills.

Also, supposing you were to lose your job in a few months time and found yourself dependent on jobseekers' benefit and trying to apply for rent allowance?
You would get an extremely reduced rate, as you would be recognised as part of a cohabiting couple, he would be seen as being able to support you and you would not be able to get rent allowance.

Whereas, if you are already 6 months in private accomodation, you would most likely be able to get the full rate of jobseekers' benefit and rent allowance. (Its not that much, despite what some people think, but if you are broke and struggling, it is essential).

You actually would be jeopardising your own financial security by moving in with him at this time.

weatherguy

I would not move in with him.

Has he asked you to move in before with him, for example, before his finances became difficult?

If not, then he is merely asking you for a handout. In otherwords, he is asking you to move in with him on his terms, not yours, no room for compromise.

I would tell him you feel uneasy about moving in for the wrong reasons.
Yes you like him to bits and don't want to upset him, and you want to help him out.

However, he is not showing the same consideration and generosity towards you.
He wants you to movein with him to his place.
That will inconvenience you and cost you more money.

I would sit down and discuss the whole idea of moving in together. Tell him what that means to you.
If he agrees with your feelings then move to a new apartment or house together that suits you both.