Any advice from other single parents?

calibelle

Hi all!
I've been reading posts for a while and decided to register this evening/morning!

Wondering if anyone can help me here....

My daughter is 11 and her father has had no interest in her (despite me trying to contact him repeatedly) since she was 1, he's recently got in touch with us and wants to build a relationship with our daughter, when I asked him why now he said it was because he is married now with 2 other children and it made him realise what he's been missing!!

So, while I'm delighted for my little one I'm very nervous that he could do the same thing again and walk away - only this time she is old enough to understand and feel the pain of his rejection. I have a good reason for thinking this as in the month he has been in touch with her on 4 or 5 occasions he has said he'd call her and hasnt done so and seems to think its acceptable. He wants to come and see her but I really feel that he needs to prove his reliability before the relationship between them grows stronger.

I want to make sure he stays around for her but I need to ensure she sees him as a stable, good influence as she's already disappointed by his behavior over the last month, but at the same time I don't want to push him away and be blamed for the contact breaking. Anything I have said to him - need to establish ground rules, contact times etc - has been brushed off or ignored so I'm kinda at a loss here!!

So any advice would be appreciated!

metrovelvet

Comminucate with him with your child as the focus. "It is in __________'s best interest that contact is regular and stable....". "It is best for ___________ if x, y and z is in place". ...That kind of thing.

Focus everything in on your child's feelings and best interests. Bring the attention to the child.

Its a big step for all of you and its normal for everyone to be a little scared and needing of reassurance. Neither of you really know wat are you getting into especially as he has this other family. [Do they know about your child btw?]

Ellian

I'll state at the outset that I am not a parent at all, although my sister is a single mother, so I've had a view of a similar situation from the sidelines.

Without knowing the specifics of the situation, his initial motives seem somewhat selfish - he has realised what he is missing. Not he has realised what his daughter is missing out on by having a father in her life.

Not sure how good or bad your relationship is with your ex, but can you have a conversation with him and get him to grasp the concept that if you allow him back into your daughters life, he will have the potential to effect her either positively or negatively - that if he screws it up or is half arsed about it, then it will just hurt her emotiionally over a longer period of time, and that he must see that any caution on your part is not a chance to get a dig in at him, but rather you just trying to protect your child.

And ask him before he gets involved to really think long and hard about what is best for all concerned over the course of the next 40 years - because he should be thinking about this right up until the point where they throw the dirt over him. I would also advise him that initially his daughters reaction to him might not be all sweetness and light - he has rejected her once - if he suddenly comes back into her life, she might well be recalitrant and bolshy - in effect testing him to destruction, almost daring him to bugger off again, so he should be prepared for that (and if he does end up scarpering, you should probably prepare for some similar type of fallout directed at you - I'll test you to destruction as well)

And lastly, it goes without saying you should be prepared to explain to your daughter as best you can, that anything negative your ex does is not a reflection on her as a person.

Neither solution is going to give you 100% results, but just keep in mind what is best for your daughter and play a s**t hand as best you can. best of luck.

Nevyn

Dali art banned for 1 week.

Please remember that if you don't have anything constructive to post then don't post and always post in a civil manner.

Nevyn

I would want to know what is behind the renewed contact, yes people can change and yes he is her Bio Dad but sometimes the contact comes due to the new partner thinking
he should be in touch and he is talked into it or else he's not happy with how things are going with the children he has with his new partner and remembers" hey I have more kids then this lot, things maybe different with her".

I know it's gambling her happiness and if to goes wrong you are the one to pick up the pieces and if needs be you will be the one sorting out counselling for her.

I would suggest putting a visitation and contact plan in case with, lay out reasonable terms and conditions, find out how much time he is willing to put aside for her, ask him to be realistic and hopefully he will stick to it as much as possible.

amiable

Ellian wrote: »

I'll state at the outset that I am not a parent at all, although my sister is a single mother, so I've had a view of a similar situation from the sidelines.

Without knowing the specifics of the situation, his initial motives seem somewhat selfish - he has realised what he is missing. Not he has realised what his daughter is missing out on by having a father in her life.

Not sure how good or bad your relationship is with your ex, but can you have a conversation with him and get him to grasp the concept that if you allow him back into your daughters life, he will have the potential to effect her either positively or negatively - that if he screws it up or is half arsed about it, then it will just hurt her emotiionally over a longer period of time, and that he must see that any caution on your part is not a chance to get a dig in at him, but rather you just trying to protect your child.

And ask him before he gets involved to really think long and hard about what is best for all concerned over the course of the next 40 years - because he should be thinking about this right up until the point where they throw the dirt over him. I would also advise him that initially his daughters reaction to him might not be all sweetness and light - he has rejected her once - if he suddenly comes back into her life, she might well be recalitrant and bolshy - in effect testing him to destruction, almost daring him to bugger off again, so he should be prepared for that (and if he does end up scarpering, you should probably prepare for some similar type of fallout directed at you - I'll test you to destruction as well)

And lastly, it goes without saying you should be prepared to explain to your daughter as best you can, that anything negative your ex does is not a reflection on her as a person.

Neither solution is going to give you 100% results, but just keep in mind what is best for your daughter and play a s**t hand as best you can. best of luck.

Great advice i think.

calibelle

Thanks everyone its all good advice.

He's not going to tell me why the sudden change of heart but I'm hoping its for the good reasons! I do feel that he resents having to pay child support, and he seems to think he has the right to make demands from us because of this.

The communication between us is very hard work, he refuses to answer calls, replies to texts hours later and generally has a bad attitude towards me so I'll have to try the earlier suggestion of this is what xxx needs so lets work it out.

Bottle_of_Smoke

There's no doubt having the father in her life would be in her interest.

I have a good reason for thinking this as in the month he has been in touch with her on 4 or 5 occasions he has said he'd call her and hasnt done so and seems to think its acceptable. He wants to come and see her but I really feel that he needs to prove his reliability before the relationship between them grows stronger.

You're dead right here. I would demand a full explanation as to why he let her down and reasons why you should trust him not to in the future.

He needs to know what he's getting into. You should meet his wife and children. Your daughter can't be his shameful secret he visits at christmas to massage some of the guilt he feels over neglecting his daughter for 10 years. She has to be able to get along with her siblings and know she's as much his child as they are.

metrovelvet

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

There's no doubt having the father in her life would be in her interest.



You're dead right here. I would demand a full explanation as to why he let her down and reasons why you should trust him not to in the future.

He needs to know what he's getting into. You should meet his wife and children. Your daughter can't be his shameful secret he visits at christmas to massage some of the guilt he feels over neglecting his daughter for 10 years. She has to be able to get along with her siblings and know she's as much his child as they are.

My gut tells me he will want to do this on his terms and she will have to decide whether she can accommodate him or not. Of course there are his rights to consider so that he does not feel persecuted and she does not get accusations of denying access or obstruction.

Bottle_of_Smoke

metrovelvet wrote: »

Of course there are his rights to consider so that he does not feel persecuted and she does not get accusations of denying access or obstruction.

Would you not think 10 years of abandonment warrants a reasonable level of initial obstruction of access?

I mean I have strong opinions about the shameful way single dads are treated by the law but this isn't a case of her being a controlling bitch, he's abandoned them for 10 years

metrovelvet

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Would you not think 10 years of abandonment warrants a reasonable level of initial obstruction of access?

I mean I have strong opinions about the shameful way single dads are treated by the law but this isn't a case of her being a controlling bitch, he's abandoned them for 10 years

Of course I do. But rights are rights. That's what it means to have rights. They don't mean anything unless people who don't deserve them also get them, otherwise it's privelege. And if she cant accommodate him, he can get them and he will get them if he wants to get them.

amiable

I personally feel when you give up your child for 10 years you also give up your rights to the child unless you have some amazing reason (eg. coma)
What about the rights of the child being dumped on a whim it would seem.

K-9

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Would you not think 10 years of abandonment warrants a reasonable level of initial obstruction of access?

I mean I have strong opinions about the shameful way single dads are treated by the law but this isn't a case of her being a controlling bitch, he's abandoned them for 10 years

With rights come responsibilities. He had the right to walk away so now that he wants to get back in the child's life, he has to do that responsibly. To do that, he needs to respect the mothers wishes, the person who after all has raised the child on her own.

metrovelvet

K-9 wrote: »

With rights come responsibilities. He had the right to walk away so now that he wants to get back in the child's life, he has to do that responsibly. To do that, he needs to respect the mothers wishes, the person who after all has raised the child on her own.

I wish you were correct but you are not. There are no responsibilities built into rights even after abandonment. I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying but the facts are that that is not how the law stands and his biological ilnks with the child guarantees that. His responsibilities legally are to pay maintenance and thats where it ends.

Saying that, it is not something she has to worry about right now, but his rights are to be considered even if philosphically in some people's opnions he may not deserve them.

K-9

metrovelvet wrote: »

I wish you were correct but you are not. There are no responsibilities built into rights even after abandonment. I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying but the facts are that that is not how the law stands and his biological ilnks with the child guarantees that. His responsibilities legally are to pay maintenance and thats where it ends.

Agreed. I'm just talking about the situation as it exists now.

He has to prove himself as capable, after all the Mother isn't aware of his history. He has to play it on her terms or apply to court, where he may not get a sympathetic reception after 10 years!

amiable

metrovelvet wrote: »

I wish you were correct but you are not. There are no responsibilities built into rights even after abandonment. I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying but the facts are that that is not how the law stands and his biological ilnks with the child guarantees that. His responsibilities legally are to pay maintenance and thats where it ends.

I get the feeling that you have first hand experience of this so if thats true my heart genuinely goes out to you metrovelvet.

Bottle_of_Smoke

amiable wrote: »

I personally feel when you give up your child for 10 years you also give up your rights to the child unless you have some amazing reason (eg. coma)
What about the rights of the child being dumped on a whim it would seem.

The only thing about that it is generally in the child's interest to have a relationship with the father. Even if they failed them to begin with.

Therefore I would say even if there is abandonment the father (or mother if she was the one who walked out) should be given 1 chance to prove he/she has changed

amiable

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

The only thing about that it is generally in the child's interest to have a relationship with the father. Even if they failed them to begin with.

Therefore I would say even if there is abandonment the father (or mother if she was the one who walked out) should be given 1 chance to prove he/she has changed

I didn't mean to imply its 100% fathers that abandon in such cases and never women. Just this case which we are commenting on so i'm sorry if i offended.

amiable

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

The only thing about that it is generally in the child's interest to have a relationship with the father. Even if they failed them to begin with.

Therefore I would say even if there is abandonment the father (or mother if she was the one who walked out) should be given 1 chance to prove he/she has changed

I personally disagree though with this.I just think that why would a child want or need a relationship with someone so selfish. Just my opinion.

Bottle_of_Smoke

amiable wrote: »

I didn't mean to imply its 100% fathers that abandon in such cases and never women. Just this case which we are commenting on so i'm sorry if i offended.

not at all. It is a thread about a guy so it was fine to talk about him being the father. Just my point there was a bit more general

amiable wrote: »

I personally disagree though with this.I just think that why would a child want or need a relationship with someone so selfish. Just my opinion.

He might have been a scared kid himself when he abandoned his family and went on to feel deep regret when he matured. Statistically children who's biological parent is absent in childhood fare much worse regarding their own relationships/lifestyle choices in the future so it is in their interest too.

amiable

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

not at all. It is a thread about a guy so it was fine to talk about him being the father. Just my point there was a bit more general



He might have been a scared kid himself when he abandoned his family and went on to feel deep regret when he matured. Statistically children who's biological parent is absent in childhood fare much worse regarding their own relationships/lifestyle choices in the future so it is in their interest too.

I still disagree. People can make statistics work in their favour.
I wonder do these statistics include parents who leave for 10years come back and maybe leave again and put the child in a worse position again?
I also wonder how after 1year he got scared and then returned? IMO it was being selfish rather than scared and i personally wouldn't want a father who's like that

metrovelvet

You have to be careful with the statistics and what they correlate with. A lot of what you read are drawn from the American urban ghetto. There are statistics which will also point to the education level of the mother or custodial parent bearing a greater influence over the destiny of the child than an absent parent.

While it is preferable for the child to have a relationship with both parents, it may never be possible to have a true parent/child relationship once the formative years have passed. However, and despite this, it might be beneficial for the child to at least know who their parent is to give him or her a sense of continuity and identity, even if the time to form a parent/child bond has long since passed. Chances are if it doesn't happen in the first three years, it wont happen. They might have a friendly, cordial relationship but that will be it.

In my opinion, and many would disagree, there is a limited price one should pay for this knowledge, and that price certainly does not include a repeated series of abandonments. Personally, I would prefer a child to have enough confidence to be angry with me, than one who's feelings have been so trampelled on that they don't think they can ask or demand for more, and so I would certainly, without hesitation, block any father from putzing around with a child's well being, even of it meant I was demonised by the father or even by my child.

If I were in OPs shoes I would go along with a first meeting and see if the child would like to meet his or her father and with certain absolute assurance that there are no guarantees of what will follow. At least the child then, can see what his/her parent looks like, what their energy is like, etc. See how that goes, and then take it from there but do not let this guy play the child like a yo yo. Rights or no rights.

Bottle_of_Smoke

amiable wrote: »

I still disagree. People can make statistics work in their favour.
I wonder do these statistics include parents who leave for 10years come back and maybe leave again and put the child in a worse position again?
I also wonder how after 1year he got scared and then returned? IMO it was being selfish rather than scared and i personally wouldn't want a father who's like that

I don't know if you've been in that situation yourself but even if you were you can't say every other 10 year old would want to know their father. If they have changed their ways there is no doubt whatsoever it would be in the childs benefit.

Of course it is selfish, but people change. I'd even say their selfishness made them choose the easy option over being scared. It is a risk to take of course that is why I advocate the parent who left should be given a chance to prove themselves not given a clean slate chance.

amiable

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I don't know if you've been in that situation yourself but even if you were you can't say every other 10 year old would want to know their father. If they have changed their ways there is no doubt whatsoever it would be in the childs benefit.

Of course it is selfish, but people change. I'd even say their selfishness made them choose the easy option over being scared. It is a risk to take of course that is why I advocate the parent who left should be given a chance to prove themselves not given a clean slate chance.

Of course there's doubt. If there wasn't the OP wouldn't have started the thread. Its your opinion. Hence we are going to have to agree to disagree i'm afraid. You are more than entitled to your opinion and i respect it. I just disagree with it and would deal with things in a different way

planetX

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I don't know if you've been in that situation yourself but even if you were you can't say every other 10 year old would want to know their father. If they have changed their ways there is no doubt whatsoever it would be in the childs benefit.

Of course it is selfish, but people change. I'd even say their selfishness made them choose the easy option over being scared. It is a risk to take of course that is why I advocate the parent who left should be given a chance to prove themselves not given a clean slate chance.

there is doubt. My sons father came back after nearly 8 years, and got immediate access. It has been very very hard on my son, and they have not yet got a very good relationship. My ex thought there would be an immediate blood bond without any work on his part. He has changed to some extent, but does not act like a parent. He's more like a distant uncle, and I don't know if that is ever going to change. I doubt it. Is a half-interested dad better than no dad? I'm not convinced.

metrovelvet

planetX wrote: »

there is doubt. My sons father came back after nearly 8 years, and got immediate access. It has been very very hard on my son, and they have not yet got a very good relationship. My ex thought there would be an immediate blood bond without any work on his part. He has changed to some extent, but does not act like a parent. He's more like a distant uncle, and I don't know if that is ever going to change. I doubt it. Is a half-interested dad better than no dad? I'm not convinced.

Im not convinced either. And its too late for it to change after eight years so the expectation for it to be anything other than a distant uncle type of relationship is misguided.

amiable

metrovelvet wrote: »

Im not convinced either. And its too late for it to change after eight years so the expectation for it to be anything other than a distant uncle type of relationship is misguided.

Not to mention it could undermine the parent who's been at home with the child all the years

Nevyn

While it may be a difficult adjustment I honestly think it is better for the child, as they hit adolescence and start thinking about who they are and where they come from they do a lot of self searching about their identity and who their parents are is a big part of that and if they don't know anything about the non custodial parent or feel that they have been kept from knowing them it doesn't' tend to go well.

While at 10 a lot of the parental bonding has happened that doesn't mean there is not room for the no custodial parent in a child's life, yes the bond will be different but that doesnt make it lesser or not of any worth.

amiable

Thaedydal wrote: »

While it may be a difficult adjustment I honestly think it is better for the child, as they hit adolescence and start thinking about who they are and where they come from they do a lot of self searching about their identity and who their parents are is a big part of that and if they don't know anything about the non custodial parent or feel that they have been kept from knowing them it doesn't' tend to go well.

While at 10 a lot of the parental bonding has happened that doesn't mean there is not room for the no custodial parent in a child's life, yes the bond will be different but that doesnt make it lesser or not of any worth.

I disagree. Of course its lesser. 10 years without contact, how could the bond be as much as the other parent has?

Nevyn

I think that people will try and write of the realtionship the child may have with the other parent to justify not facilating it and out of fear that the other parent will get to be the one who is fun and cool and win affection away from the other parent, when there is always plenty of love and affection to go around.

amiable

Thaedydal wrote: »

I think that people will try and write of the realtionship the child may have with the other parent to justify not facilating it and out of fear that the other parent will get to be the one who is fun and cool and win affection away from the other parent, when there is always plenty of love and affection to go around.

Its nothing to do with fear IMO. Its to do with not bothering for 10years and what seems to be the estranged parent coming back on a bit of a whim. Very selfish motives by looks of it.

Nevyn

Well it could be said that not faciltating a child to know it's other parent as the other parent has life as they like and don't want the hassle and disruption to be a very selfish motive for denying the child access to the other parent.

metrovelvet

Thaedydal wrote: »

While it may be a difficult adjustment I honestly think it is better for the child, as they hit adolescence and start thinking about who they are and where they come from they do a lot of self searching about their identity and who their parents are is a big part of that and if they don't know anything about the non custodial parent or feel that they have been kept from knowing them it doesn't' tend to go well.

While at 10 a lot of the parental bonding has happened that doesn't mean there is not room for the no custodial parent in a child's life, yes the bond will be different but that doesnt make it lesser or not of any worth.

I half agree with you. I agree with you in theory if the parent who has returned can put in the work, and the later it gets the more work is required. I don't agree that the bond can ever be near the same as with the custodial parent but that does not mean there is no essential value in the child knowing the missing parent. On both sides, when these kinds of reunions happen there is a clash of unrealistic expectations where either the custodial or the non custodial parent expects the child to have an instant bond or even the parent to have one. Kind of ridiculous to expect that, but people do, just as new mothers, myself included, learn to their astonishment the bond is formed through A LOT of time, labour, and graft. It'snot like fairy godmother waved her magic wand and 'POOF!"

At the same time I have spoken to many adults who had the now you see me now you dont father and they ALL [not ONE exception] wished they had not come back because of all the trouble the let downs and the disappointments led to. There is a relentless pain in their store of memories.

Of course one cannot stick their head in the sand when it comes to the possibility of an abandoning parent seeking rights and whether or not they will get them or think they deserve them after a long absence followed by sporadic inconsistent visits. This of course further complicated by the OP's ex having a whole other family she may have to work at. One person at a time I guess. Its all a lot to ask from the already stretched single parent.

We cant ignore either the great gender imbalance in this either. If I abandoned my child through abortion or adoption there would be absolutely no chance of me showing my face again in the child's life or seeking rights or sending birthday cards, etc and this is all to protect both the children and the adoptive parents. The same safeguards are not in place when it's a man who walks away because they dont have the rights/obligations/duties/burdens of making the formal choices.

amiable

Thaedydal wrote: »

Well it could be said that not faciltating a child to know it's other parent as the other parent has life as they like and don't want the hassle and disruption to be a very selfish motive for denying the child access to the other parent.

True but alot of things could be said but at the end of the day this mother has devoted 11 years so far of her life to this child so people can spin it anyway they want for the estranged father but in my eyes he deserves nothing. He seemingly had his chance and didn't take it. He doesn't deserve nothing IMO

metrovelvet

Thaedydal wrote: »

Well it could be said that not faciltating a child to know it's other parent as the other parent has life as they like and don't want the hassle and disruption to be a very selfish motive for denying the child access to the other parent.

You can't really come out with that if you have denied the child access to yourself for ten years while simultaneously not facilitating the health and well being of your child for ten years. Nor can you complain when you ask forit to be facilitated but wont respond to phone calls to discuss boundaries and ground rules as in the case of the OP. Sorry. Doesn't fly.

calibelle

Hi everyone thanks for all the replies its really interesting to hear different points of view!
Unfortunately it doesnt seem to be going to well, my little girl is already disappointed as her father still keeps promising to call her etc and not doing it. He's still refusing to talk to me directly and every conversation is through text.
We have discussed maintenance and he said he would pay xx amount and not a penny more and delay thingd through the courts if I didnt agree and then when it came to making a FIRST payment he only gave half as he's a bit short this month!!!
For some reason he is very agressive towards me, comments like you took her away from me, refused my right to know my child etc are daily as well as swearing which I absolutely hate! When I even attempt to point out what he is doing is wrong he still ignores me! I'm starting to think he is trying to create tension between us as a reason to walk away and blame me.....he's obviously re-written the history of why he's not in contact with her!
I have tried every possible way of settling this in a civil and adult fashion - I only want what is best for my daughter and I really think that some form of relationship with her father be it once a week calls or whatever is better than nothing but I'm kinda at my wits end. I cant carry on being treated like dirt when he's not even coming through with his side....contact with our child...and he also seems to think he has some right to access while also not actually seeming to want it - for example last night she texted him to say goodnight and he didnt reply yet half an hour later he sent me a text saing if I try to f**k with him he'll drag me to court!!
I'm not being a marytr here but I have given up everything....college, good jobs and relationships to make sure I am always there for her and I just cant understand why he's being like this unless he's trying to hurt me through her but why would he want to as he's married and its ancient history!

Sorry for rambling!

amiable

calibelle wrote: »

Sorry for rambling!

By the sounds of it i think you deserve to vent or a ramble

metrovelvet

calibelle wrote: »

Hi everyone thanks for all the replies its really interesting to hear different points of view!
Unfortunately it doesnt seem to be going to well, my little girl is already disappointed as her father still keeps promising to call her etc and not doing it. He's still refusing to talk to me directly and every conversation is through text.
We have discussed maintenance and he said he would pay xx amount and not a penny more and delay thingd through the courts if I didnt agree and then when it came to making a FIRST payment he only gave half as he's a bit short this month!!!
For some reason he is very agressive towards me, comments like you took her away from me, refused my right to know my child etc are daily as well as swearing which I absolutely hate! When I even attempt to point out what he is doing is wrong he still ignores me! I'm starting to think he is trying to create tension between us as a reason to walk away and blame me.....he's obviously re-written the history of why he's not in contact with her!
I have tried every possible way of settling this in a civil and adult fashion - I only want what is best for my daughter and I really think that some form of relationship with her father be it once a week calls or whatever is better than nothing but I'm kinda at my wits end. I cant carry on being treated like dirt when he's not even coming through with his side....contact with our child...and he also seems to think he has some right to access while also not actually seeming to want it - for example last night she texted him to say goodnight and he didnt reply yet half an hour later he sent me a text saing if I try to f**k with him he'll drag me to court!!
I'm not being a marytr here but I have given up everything....college, good jobs and relationships to make sure I am always there for her and I just cant understand why he's being like this unless he's trying to hurt me through her but why would he want to as he's married and its ancient history!

Sorry for rambling!

There are any number of reasons why he would want to hurt you and I could list all the possibilities from sadism to he's taking his stress out on you to the guilt catching up with him, but ultimately it doesnt matter.

What does matter is you and your daughter's well being. He wants the access on his terms obviously.

If I were you, I would just say you are open to mediation to discuss a parenting and maintenance plan when he is ready. If he is not prepared to do that, then this could all be whimsy, like he got a notion in his head or he was just testing the waters with you and not serious about the endeavor. Dont put yourself through it.

Nevyn

Keep all the text messages and a log of all the time he was meant to be in touch or turn up and failed, make a record of them all so that if he does go to court then you can prove it.

Sounds like he knows what he missed out on with not being there for her now he has kids with his partner and is taking his negative crap out on you which is not fair.

amiable

Thaedydal wrote: »

Keep all the text messages and a log of all the time he was meant to be in touch or turn up and failed, make a record of them all so that if he does go to court then you can prove it.

Sounds like he knows what he missed out on with not being there for her now he has kids with his partner and is taking his negative crap out on you which is not fair.

Good advice i think.

calibelle

I have sent him an email outlining what the issues are and telling him that no matter how much of a bully he wants to be its not going to be his way.

I've given him until sunday to reply, I doubt he will but I think if he really wanted to be a part of her life he'd accept it!! I'm not asking for much though my 3 "demands" were.....
Treat the child properly, call when you say you will, if you offer to buy her a present do it or explain it. Dont expect me to mop up everything!!
Treat me with decency - no swearing, agression or resentment. Be civil in communications and if I wish to talk its about the child not anything else.
Pay maintenence in full on time. Its not much and its a legal responsibility.

I told him if he doesn't come back by then I will have no option to apply for maintenance through the legal system and reminded him that they will deduct it from his wages if he messes around. I also said if he wishes to go to court for access he can but he will have to explain where he's been for the last 10 years and why he hasn't cared until now and that I will tell the court I'm happy for him to have as much contact as my daughter is happy with as long as he treats us both decently so it would be a complete waste of money!

Thats not asking a lot is it?

boatbuilder

I can see a lot of similarities in your story to the one that I have experienced.
My wife had a boy (11 year old now) from a previous relationship and the dad has been a pain in the ass since we got married 2 years ago. In my opinion, just be glad that this guy has kept his distance for 10 years. If you think this guy is bad news, in my opinion I would try to fob him off for as long as possible until your kid is a bit older and can make decisions for herself.

I can tell you confidently that it can do more harm that good to have a nasty father who causes major agro than no father. Your daughter will eventually pick up on the fact that this guy is giving you a hard time, if thats the case.

Yes its very possible, even probable that the guy is trying to get to you through her. I think its a fairly common thing with fathers who opt out of being involved in the early years and then suddenly become "interested" as the kid grows older. The truth is that its all about CONTROL. Please don't let this guy control your life through your daughter. Stand up to him and do what you think is right for your daughter, no matter about court action threats etc etc which is probably just scaremongering. We've been through this and you just have to stand up for what you believe in. Email is better than text, easier to keep a record of. Keep emails / texts impersonal and objective. Focus on facts and keep re-iterating that what you ask of him is what YOU consider to be in the best interests of your child. After all, YOU have raised her for 10 years and know whats best better than he does. And as you say, its you that will have to pick up the pieces when he messes your daughter around.

Its important to set boundaries for this guy to protect your kid from emotional hurt. He might kick and scream about it at first and threaten court action, but you need to do it.
You can't go wrong if you do everything from a child welfare point of view.

Fittle

boatbuilder wrote: »

I can see a lot of similarities in your story to the one that I have experienced.
My wife had a boy (11 year old now) from a previous relationship and the dad has been a pain in the ass since we got married 2 years ago. In my opinion, just be glad that this guy has kept his distance for 10 years. If you think this guy is bad news, in my opinion I would try to fob him off for as long as possible until your kid is a bit older and can make decisions for herself.

I can tell you confidently that it can do more harm that good to have a nasty father who causes major agro than no father. Your daughter will eventually pick up on the fact that this guy is giving you a hard time, if thats the case.

Yes its very possible, even probable that the guy is trying to get to you through her. I think its a fairly common thing with fathers who opt out of being involved in the early years and then suddenly become "interested" as the kid grows older. The truth is that its all about CONTROL. Please don't let this guy control your life through your daughter. Stand up to him and do what you think is right for your daughter, no matter about court action threats etc etc which is probably just scaremongering. We've been through this and you just have to stand up for what you believe in. Email is better than text, easier to keep a record of. Keep emails / texts impersonal and objective. Focus on facts and keep re-iterating that what you ask of him is what YOU consider to be in the best interests of your child. After all, YOU have raised her for 10 years and know whats best better than he does. And as you say, its you that will have to pick up the pieces when he messes your daughter around.

Its important to set boundaries for this guy to protect your kid from emotional hurt. He might kick and scream about it at first and threaten court action, but you need to do it.
You can't go wrong if you do everything from a child welfare point of view.

I admire your honesty here - so often some men are SO in favour of father's rights (and rightly so btw), that they fail to see what you have obviously seen happen in your step daughters life.

I agree with everything that boat builder said. After ten years, no doubt he has realised what he has missed out on, but for him to already be letting her down, does not bode well at all. I'm sure your daughter was doing just fine without him (what she never had, she's never missed) and for him to begin messing with her emotions after ten years of ignoring her, is so unfair for her and could really change the path her life will take.

Boatbuilder is also right that these threats about court etc are about control on his part - he is already trying to control the situation by using these threats on you.

I imagine, having raised her alone for ten years, you are a pretty strong woman already and have had to deal with pretty tough situations, so ignore his threats and put your daughters well being first. To be honest, if he doesn't reply to your very fair email by sunday, go straight to your local district court and get the ball rolling on court ordered maintenance. Although, my thoughts are that if he is not fulfilling this legal obligation anyway, you should have gone to court long ago.

Wishing you all the best OP.

metrovelvet

Thaedydal wrote: »

Well it could be said that not faciltating a child to know it's other parent as the other parent has life as they like and don't want the hassle and disruption to be a very selfish motive for denying the child access to the other parent.

It depends on the level of hassle doesn't it? Facilitation is a two way street. Not much OP can do if the other parent doesn't want to be facilitated. How much crap is she expected to take?

metrovelvet

calibelle wrote: »

I have sent him an email outlining what the issues are and telling him that no matter how much of a bully he wants to be its not going to be his way.

I've given him until sunday to reply, I doubt he will but I think if he really wanted to be a part of her life he'd accept it!! I'm not asking for much though my 3 "demands" were.....
Treat the child properly, call when you say you will, if you offer to buy her a present do it or explain it. Dont expect me to mop up everything!!
Treat me with decency - no swearing, agression or resentment. Be civil in communications and if I wish to talk its about the child not anything else.
Pay maintenence in full on time. Its not much and its a legal responsibility.

I told him if he doesn't come back by then I will have no option to apply for maintenance through the legal system and reminded him that they will deduct it from his wages if he messes around. I also said if he wishes to go to court for access he can but he will have to explain where he's been for the last 10 years and why he hasn't cared until now and that I will tell the court I'm happy for him to have as much contact as my daughter is happy with as long as he treats us both decently so it would be a complete waste of money!

Thats not asking a lot is it?

Can you get by without maintenance because if you can, you should. Yes he has a responsibility to pay but for the sake of peace in your life you might want to consider letting it go for now.

He might ask for access and he would probably get it and then not use it. And then you will find yourself logging breach of access with the guards and then ending up in court again to have the access order removed or ammended.

Try to keep it all about the child. Keep the language all about the child. Remove the scent of demand from your correspondence or he will get 'scared':rolleyes: again. That is why the facilitation model wont work in this instance, because he cant work collaboratively and its evident he thinks your are trying to '**** with him' as his text threateningly put it.

Can you say that you are open to mediation or parenting counselling with him so that you can work out a way to proceed so as to benefit your daughter and so you both do this right so she does not get hurt in the process of it all? My guess is he will say no as it seems he does not want hassle. The thing is he may not be serious about this, it could have been a whim, or a moment of curiousity or pressure from his wife or whatever.

calibelle

I probably could manage without the maintenance but we'd be struggling like we have for years and considering he has a well paid job I don't see that it's fair for my daughter to go without just to stop her father from throwing a tantrum.

I actuallyforgot to mention that my ex lives in England so I would find it hard to believe that a court would give him much access considering that plus the fact he hasn't been in contact for so much of her life. I think I've been reasonable enough but as another poster pointed out it is all about control.....which is the reason we broke up in the first place!

Boatbuilder thank you for your story he sounds as nice as my ex! I hope it's been resolved for you all?

metrovelvet

Is he on the birthcert? Is there any formal documentation of his paternity?

calibelle

metrovelvet wrote: »

Is he on the birthcert? Is there any formal documentation of his paternity?

No nothing at all. He has briefly paid child support in her early life so he wouldn't attempt to question it, does it make a difference? I'm intruiged!

metrovelvet

calibelle wrote: »

No nothing at all. He has briefly paid child support in her early life so he wouldn't attempt to question it, does it make a difference? I'm intruiged!

Well it does to some and not to others and you will get different opinions on it. I think a record of paternity is important for the sake of legacy and future generations knowing who they are, where they came from and who they are related to. His other children are on record as being his children. One of the plus of a court ordered maintenance is that at least there is a record of paternity for your child and he has some chance of claiming future entitlements like inheritance or citizenships or proof to his siblings and grandparents that he is in FACT related to them.

Others might dismiss such an idea as not being important but I would steadfastly disagree with them.

Bottle_of_Smoke

calibelle wrote: »

Hi everyone thanks for all the replies its really interesting to hear different points of view!
Unfortunately it doesnt seem to be going to well, my little girl is already disappointed as her father still keeps promising to call her etc and not doing it. He's still refusing to talk to me directly and every conversation is through text.
We have discussed maintenance and he said he would pay xx amount and not a penny more and delay thingd through the courts if I didnt agree and then when it came to making a FIRST payment he only gave half as he's a bit short this month!!!
For some reason he is very agressive towards me, comments like you took her away from me, refused my right to know my child etc are daily as well as swearing which I absolutely hate! When I even attempt to point out what he is doing is wrong he still ignores me! I'm starting to think he is trying to create tension between us as a reason to walk away and blame me.....he's obviously re-written the history of why he's not in contact with her!
I have tried every possible way of settling this in a civil and adult fashion - I only want what is best for my daughter and I really think that some form of relationship with her father be it once a week calls or whatever is better than nothing but I'm kinda at my wits end. I cant carry on being treated like dirt when he's not even coming through with his side....contact with our child...and he also seems to think he has some right to access while also not actually seeming to want it - for example last night she texted him to say goodnight and he didnt reply yet half an hour later he sent me a text saing if I try to f**k with him he'll drag me to court!!
I'm not being a marytr here but I have given up everything....college, good jobs and relationships to make sure I am always there for her and I just cant understand why he's being like this unless he's trying to hurt me through her but why would he want to as he's married and its ancient history!

Sorry for rambling!

He sounds like an utter joke especially seeing as you previously tried to repeatedly contact him.

I wouldn't grow dependent on this maintennace. Have a feeling you'll be getting half amounts here and there. I'd keep anything he gives you to one side and use it for christmas presents or something, because if you got used to 50euro a week as part of your day to day spending it would hard to go without in the future

He needs to prove himself and stop behaving like some sort of martyr for giving you some measly amount.

calibelle

Yes I agree and wanted him to be on it but at the time he couldn't come and we never got around to changing it. He asked asked for it to be amended which I agreed to do if they build contact.