He abandoned me in my time of need.

LegacyUser

I was in hospital for emergency treatment a week ago and I had to stay in for three days. I spent 4 days with my parents looking after me then. I'm 24. I live with my boyfriend *Ron* normally. He's 29. Been together 3 years just a month ago.

My parents wanted me to stay longer with them because Ron can't cook, but I wanted to go back to Ron. He rang me once whilst I was with my parents, and texted a few times over the week. My parents couldn't believe that he didn't even come to their house. (okay it's an hour's drive away but still..)

I went back to our house (after calling telling him I was on the way with my mum) and he said he was on his way back. My mother and I came in the door and I was calling his name, no answer. I rang, turned out he was in the pub with his friend. I was so embarrassed he sounded drunk.

He arrived home 45 minutes later slightly drunk (not very, just tipsy) My mother was shocked. She said nothing but I was slumping in my skin. He brought beer home with him too. Then my mother left because it was getting dark and they live far away. So we said our goodbyes and she said "are you sure you're alright here? I can bring you home it's no problem" I declined.

Soon as the door was closed Ron tells me his brother was in trouble, with the police because of a fight with a guy, that he was going a bit mad (his wife left him a month ago) and that he had to book a flight to go to Holland (she's dutch so he moved there) and he had to leave as soon as possible in case his brother does something dumb.

He left the house at 2 in the morning to catch his 5:15am flight this morning. But I came back to see him, leaving the comfort of my parents' house, and he left me. I still can't get over it,I know his brother is important too but he's not just out of hospital. I am.

I woke up feeling terrible today, and sick too, and where my mother would have brought me a cup of tea and told me to go back to bed, there wasn't even milk in the house, so I had to get up in our cold house (he turned off the timer) there was nobody there to look after me.

And I feel so adandoned.

I want to leave him . This is terrible. How could he do this? How could he leave me in my time of need?

28064212

Depending on how much trouble the brother is in and how likely he is to harm himself or others, I wouldn't automatically blame him for heading to Holland straight away, it could be really serious.

However:

• He didn't go to your parents house while you were recovering (an hour is nothing for someone you care about). Did he even visit you in hospital?
• He knew you were coming back and went out drinking with his friend.
• Rather than tell you that he would be leaving and at least give you the option of going home with your mother, or even telling you before you came up, he hid it from you until you had no options

Frankly, he sounds like a self-involved arsehole who doesn't actually give a damn about you. Go home to your parents, wait for him to finish dealing with his brother, and tell him you want to be with someone who actually cares about you

Acoshla

OP first of all I would call your parents and go back to their house again, no point being at home in a cold house on your own.

Even if he urgently had to go to Holland couldn't he have just told you that before you left your parents house? I was in hospital for 2 days last week, my boyfriend visited 3 times, brought all my clothes and make up in to me, then cooked a huge roast when I came home and looked after me for days afterwards, even when I kept him awake all night with the light and radio on because I felt sick. If your boyfriend wasn't prepared to look after you he could at least have had the decency to let your parents do it and not make you come home to that.

I would say go home for now, get better, then when he comes back give him one chance in case he has a decent explanation (I doubt it), but I wouldn't blame you for wanting to leave, how can you trust or respect a partner who won't even help you out when you're sick?

LegacyUser

Thanks for that message, yeah his brother fractured a part of a guy's arm in a brawl that he started. He knew before i was coming that he was going to leave because his brother had been talking to him days before that.

The lack of visiting enraged my parents, they were very annoyed, and when I told them he was busy at work all weekend they said that no job is ever too busy that you can't take time off to see your girlfriend when she's sick.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. They don't know he's gone and left me, I'm on medication that I should be with someone while I'm on, in case I come across difficulty, and he just said to me "Just don't take it", I was so annoyed, I went through the operation not him he doesn't understand.

Oryx

29 and cant cook is a problem all on its own.

OP, how was your relationship before this? Was he the sort you could depend on or ask favours of, and did you ever do that?

If this is the first time in your relationship that he has been asked to step up and look after you then he has failed, but you could allow that he never saw you as needing care before, and could cop on if you explain to him that he needs to change sometimes.

But to be honest, youve painted him here as a bit of an uncaring toad. I know we havent got his side, but from yours, it seems like he just doesnt care that much.

Go back home and get well, for goodness sake.

dan_d

Aw OP. I think you need to go back to your parents house for starters. What's the point in sitting on your own in the cold, with no food - well, milk anyway? Everything is twice as difficult when you're sick too, so you need somebody around with you.

Concentrate on getting yourself better. Then I think you need to have a serious think about this guy. He sounds like he's not worth the effort to be honest. 3 years together and he can't even visit you once?? My OH was in the hospital last year during a horribly busy time at work for me and I visited him several times, including picking him up from the hospital. And when he was laid up for weeks afterwards, I was working 10-11 hour days, coming home and cooking his dinner, shopping and cleaning (he genuinely couldn't move, it was a back op).

Get yourself well again, and then think long and hard about this relationship OP, coz he doesn't sound like he's worth it...

LegacyUser

I have been ill in the past, flu etc. but I've always had to take care of my own needs like go to the doctor on my own/go to the shops if he's in work / cook us dinner etc etc.. Some times when I'm ill I just order in takeaway though. The most he has done for me is gone to the shops or make me tea and toast.

He has never before the operation taken time off if I've been ill with the flu /stomach bugs etc though.

He is good like he'll call or keep in touch, but his job is very pressuring and he can't really ever take time off. He took time off the day I went in to hospital, and arranged to have the following day off too but didn't visit me because he ended up going into work anyway.

If he was here his defense would be that he had to look after his brother etc.

I can't find the strength to go back to my parents, I just know my mum will lose the plot altogether.

tinkerbell

OP, go back to your parents house.

Second of all, your boyfriend sounds like a self-absorbed and selfish idiot. He doesn't visit you while you are recovering from emergency treatment, when you arrive home (after being cared for by your parents), he was out drinking with his buddy and arrived home drunk, didn't tell you til your mother had left that he was ditching you to go to Holland.

Go back to your parents' house, and decide if this guy is worth your trouble, because frankly it sounds like he doesn't rate you very highly on his priority list.

diverdad

Oryx wrote: »

29 and cant cook is a problem all on its own.

OP, how was your relationship before this? Was he the sort you could depend on or ask favours of, and did you ever do that?

If this is the first time in your relationship that he has been asked to step up and look after you then he has failed, but you could allow that he never saw you as needing care before, and could cop on if you explain to him that he needs to change sometimes.

But to be honest, youve painted him here as a bit of an uncaring toad. I know we havent got his side, but from yours, it seems like he just doesnt care that much.

Go back home and get well, for goodness sake.

29 and can't cook for himself.
Is that a fact or do you know this to be true? How did he manage while you were in hospital?
I would take a chance on him not being very good at washing clothes and most likely useless at ironing. In all likelyhood the kind of 'mans man' who doesn't know one end of a vacuum cleaner from the other.
It seems that he can't be arsed to look after a sick partner but competent enough to manage to book himself flights to Holland. A few bevies before he headed off to all the family woe and Dutch lagers and you on your own without any heat or even a drop of milk...
Get yourself looked after. Call your parents. They may get to say '...told you so' but as long as you get a nice warm bed and some ready cooked meals let them to it.
Your OH appears to have seriously messed up here.............

LegacyUser

I know for a fact that he can't cook. He doesn't even want to learn, he's stubborn as a mule and won't go near the kitchen. He can make sandwiches and noodles for example, boil pasta, but that's it, he's never had to look after himself food-wise as he lived with flatmates who used to have a kitty for cooking and one of them cooked nearly all the time , or they ordered in. He's never bothered.

I don't like talking him down, I have cared about him for a long time, I love him and care for him but it seems like even though he says the same stuff to me, he may feel it, but can't show it.

Acoshla

Just tell your parents that you know that they're angry at him but that for now you don't want to argue about it, you just want to recover and relax, they're your parents, they'll understand and look after you and let it go for a few days.

Honestly your boyfriend sounds pretty awful to have to rely on when you're ill, I was sick a lot of last year and my boyfriend would do anything to help me, call doctors, collect prescriptions, come with me to appointments, anything I would have asked he would have done it, because he knows I'd do the same for him. If he was sick I bet he'd expect you to cook for him, do things for him, but he won't even visit you let alone mind you? Mad.

OP if your medication is that strong (and he said just don't take it?wtf?!) definitely call your parents and go home, if they were mad before they'll be even more angry if they find out you stayed at home alone.

LegacyUser

I spoke to his parents just there, and they said that it was very important for him to get over there. I'm going to bed now and calling my parents first thing in the morning.

as regards what i should do about this entire thing, I'm going to think about my course of action vis a vis Ron and I.

Thank you for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it.

Zen65

lonesomenblue wrote: »

He's never bothered.

I'm quoting this completely out of context, but it really does seem like your OH is a burden to you. He sounds like the sort of person who will take you for granted for the rest of your life.

What advice would you give somebody in this situation?



Be at peace,
(& go back to your parents for a while longer)


Z

claireycork

What kind of a boyfriend is he? No matter what, your partner should be there for you through hard times and regardless of the journey it takes to be there, one hour is not a long drive.

I have had a good few relationships in my life and i can assure you one thing, if your partner does not make the effort to be by your side then he isnt worth being with you.

This is what SHOULD have happened....

Your partner be at the hospital with you and wanting to stay overnight..not wanting to leave your side as he is sick with worry....
Allow you to rest at your parents, maybe because he would be working etc and cant be around all the time...
BUT go see you everyday, regardless of the distance, out of concern and love....
And on your return home, BE THERE SOBER not drunk at the door, house cleaned and ready for your return.

That is what a real caring and loving man should provide,its hard to see it from the inside in, i know this from experience and many mistakes with men.. If he cant be there now, how you ever be sure he will be there for you in the future. Have a serious think about your relationship. I met a guy two years ago and i fell ill, ended up in hospital for two nights, he did not leave my side, and drove 5 hours from the otherside of the country to look after me. Thats love for you. There is so many of them out there, but you need to tell yourself your worth more and move on.

Hope you feel better soon, and chin up.

How Strange

Op it just seems that you're not a priority for your oh. Perhaps he really did need to go see his brother but surely he could've discussed it with you beforehand.

Chinafoot

lonesomenblue wrote: »

I spoke to his parents just there, and they said that it was very important for him to get over there.

Well then his father or mother should have gone. Not the one that has a sick girlfriend just out of hospital that needs looking after. His brother is an adult who should, quite frankly, cop on to himself.

His behaviour has been appalling OP. The lack of visiting can not be excused away with "oh but its an hour away". What a cop out. I spend nearly an hour on the bus to work every morning for feck sake.

Likewise, there is absolutely no excuse for him being out in the pub when he knew you were on your way home. Nor is there an excuse for him clearly knowing he was fúcking off to Holland and not telling you until you had left your parents and come home. He sounds like a spineless, selfish arsehole.

I'm glad to hear you're ringing your parents tomorrow. Stay there for as long as you can, even if he comes home in the meantime. You need time to think without him being there. If it were me, I'd be gone but only you can decide where you go from here.

Bets of luck.

SheRa

lonesomenblue wrote: »

he just said to me "Just don't take it"

I think that his behaviour sounds immature and selfish, but that quote is worrying. Even if I could excuse him leaving you or the heating part, or the lack of food etc, for him to say that makes me wonder if he capable of empathy or concern for you. Its not ok for him to suggest this to you.

Anyway hopefully you are fast asleep now and that you ring your parents in the morning and let them take care of you.

Mind yourself.

I am a friend

I was really very shocked when I read this... Shocked that he didnt visit you or really call you and very shocked that he was on the beer when you were due home...

It all sounds very one sided. Head back to your parents and take this time to think if this is the life you want ahead of you. Speedy recovery!!!

magneticimpulse

if he let you down now, he will always let you down.

doesnt sound like a caring boyfriend, so prob best if you call it a day.

your better off being single at that rate then the way he acted.

Beruthiel

lonesomenblue wrote: »

He rang me once whilst I was with my parents, and texted a few times over the week. My parents couldn't believe that he didn't even come to their house. (okay it's an hour's drive away but still..)

I went back to our house (after calling telling him I was on the way with my mum) and he said he was on his way back. My mother and I came in the door and I was calling his name, no answer. I rang, turned out he was in the pub with his friend. I was so embarrassed he sounded drunk.

He arrived home 45 minutes later slightly drunk (not very, just tipsy)

He brought beer home with him too.

I'm a firm believer in the saying, "actions speak louder than words"
The above actions are not those of a concerned b/f who cares for your wellbeing and is there to help you in your hour of need.
Even if he couldn't get to your parents house, the absolute most he could have done was to be there when you got home, sober.
If my OH was to behave like that towards me I would find it unforgivable.
Uncaring and thoughtless are words that come to mind.
I'd really question how important you actually are to him because from what you say, not very.

Soon as the door was closed Ron tells me his brother was in trouble, with the police because of a fight with a guy, that he was going a bit mad (his wife left him a month ago) and that he had to book a flight to go to Holland (she's dutch so he moved there) and he had to leave as soon as possible in case his brother does something dumb.

So you are very ill and he's on a plane to help out his dumb brother who cannot take care of himself and as a grown adult should be responsible for his own actions.

My conclusion would be that his idiot brother comes first. You come a very shabby second.

How could he leave me in my time of need?

Because he doesn't actually care.
Soon as your health is up to it, leave. Better to be single and happy than with someone who clearly doesn't give a toss about you.

Squiggler

lonesomenblue wrote: »

I can't find the strength to go back to my parents, I just know my mum will lose the plot altogether.

I hope you did go back to your parents. Your Mum won't lose the plot, you're her daughter and she loves you. You don't have to discuss the boyfriend situation with her in detail, or at all, if you don't want to.

lonesomenblue wrote: »

I don't like talking him down, I have cared about him for a long time, I love him and care for him but it seems like even though he says the same stuff to me, he may feel it, but can't show it.

Talk is just talk, as others have said, actions speak loudest. Saying "I love you is easy" actually loving someone every day, no matter what the situation, is harder, and something he doesn't appear capable of doing for you.

You need to take care of yourself, especially since he can't be relied on to take care of you.

WhodahWoodah

If your mum loses the plot it'll be with him and not you. If she's the type of mum who will rant at her daughter about her loser boyfriend while said daughter is ill just give her his number and tell her to tell him and not you.

He went off to sort out his brother for something that was self-inflicted. Nobody made the brother assault someone. You're illand need looking after.

You're just out of hospital and for something that required you to be in for 3 days which means it wasn't a nosebleed so take care of yourself for a while. Go to your folks' place, let them look after you and you can deal with the guy who didn't even leave you with a litre of milk when you're better. Now is the time for getting well, not saving face. When you're better you can tell him right off and decide what you're going to do about him.

Get well soon!

Distorted

He sounds rather badly brought up and unaware of the importance of sharing, caring and being kind. I think you also know now where you stand on his list of priorities. Do you really want to endure years of this? What will happen when you are older and seriously in need of care? There are plenty more "human" people out there, and tbh if you're not getting much support from him, some might question whether you'd be better off on your own.