Other closeted guys out there?

souterrain300

I am a guy in his mid twenties and I am semi-closeted (Only came out to some friends). I haven't been to any gay bars yet but I don't think I will either cos I don't really like the campness of it all. Are there bars that aren't full of camp guys in Dublin?

Also, I am curious to know are there a lot of closeted guys in Ireland? My suspicion is that there is.

I would love to get responses from guys/girls out there that are in the closet and read about their experiences.

One day I would like to meet a nice guy that is not camp (no offense to those that are) that is similar age and has things in common with me. I am feeling very down as I'm writing this and sometimes I wonder am I destined to be alone.

Carl.Gustav

If you haven't been to any how do you know they are all camp

Chuchoter

Judging by this board, every gay man in Ireland is closeted, 26 and confused. They can't be that hard to find in real life:P

Try the groups in outhouse maybe? There are loads of gay sports clubs as well.

Aard

The recent Irish Times survey indicates that 4% of people in Ireland don't identify as straight. It may be simplistic of me, but I would wager that those 4% are gay. This of course doesn't include anybody who is actually gay, but doesn't feel comfortable saying so.

Conservatively, there are 325,000 males aged 20 to 29 in the country. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Pyramidireland.gif) 4% of them is 13,000. Dublin has roughly a quarter of the country's population, leaving a grand total of 3,250 gay men in their twenties living in Dublin.

Now, bearing in mind that this is entirely unscientific, I would say that no more than 2,000 of them visit the bars, leaving a good thousand odd closet-like cases.

So to answer your question, OP: yes, there are many people your age who you will not find in the bars. Maybe not closet-cases, but certainly not advertising it.

</geek>

Daith

Honestly? Just go to a gay bar and see for yourself. The scene doesnt suit everyone but you should at least see what it is before ye dismiss it.

lionchild

souterrain300 wrote: »

I am a guy in his mid twenties and I am semi-closeted (Only came out to some friends). I haven't been to any gay bars yet but I don't think I will either cos I don't really like the campness of it all. Are there bars that aren't full of camp guys in Dublin?

Also, I am curious to know are there a lot of closeted guys in Ireland? My suspicion is that there is.

I would love to get responses from guys/girls out there that are in the closet and read about their experiences.

One day I would like to meet a nice guy that is not camp (no offense to those that are) that is similar age and has things in common with me. I am feeling very down as I'm writing this and sometimes I wonder am I destined to be alone.

you sound like me a few months ago. have to say that since i'm out it seems to me that most gay guys aren't camp at all. they are the minority of it all but it's just that there the most easily recognisable. give front lounge a try at least. you'll be surpirsed. most guys are in the same situation as you. just get out there and enjoy yourself:pac:

Donnaghm

Aard wrote: »

The recent Irish Times survey indicates that 4% of people in Ireland don't identify as straight. It may be simplistic of me, but I would wager that those 4% are gay. This of course doesn't include anybody who is actually gay, but doesn't feel comfortable saying so.

Conservatively, there are 325,000 males aged 20 to 29 in the country. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Pyramidireland.gif) 4% of them is 13,000. Dublin has roughly a quarter of the country's population, leaving a grand total of 3,250 gay men in their twenties living in Dublin.

Now, bearing in mind that this is entirely unscientific, I would say that no more than 2,000 of them visit the bars, leaving a good thousand odd closet-like cases.

So to answer your question, OP: yes, there are many people your age who you will not find in the bars. Maybe not closet-cases, but certainly not advertising it.

</geek>

There's probably disproportionately more gays in Dublin and Cork given rural gay [like me] people's tendency to gravitate towards urban areas.

electrobi

I haven't seen many "camp" guys in Dublin gay bars(apart from the drag queen entertainers) But the music is shhiite! Unless you like chart.

Annasopra

come along to the queer beers on November 26th

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056030646

Rick_

Believe me, your not the only one. We get a post like yours seemingly once a month around here, not long ago it was me posting the same sort of message as you - mid 20's, not into the scene, not big on campness, looking to chat/meet like-minded guys. The only guys your going to find online are virtual faces to chat to on MSN, if you want something more substantial then you're going to have to get out there and do something that doesn't require a keyboard.

Like Johnny mentioned above, why not come along to the next Queer Beers on November 26th? You'll get to meet plenty of fellow gays there from this forum, and maybe some of the other posters in particular who have left similar messages to yours and mine that you can chat to and see how things go. You could make some wonderful friends out of it and possibly even find a boyfriend too. But you have to start somewhere!

Donnaghm

Paddy C wrote: »

Believe me, your not the only one. We get a post like yours seemingly once a month around here, not long ago it was me posting the same sort of message as you - mid 20's, not into the scene, not big on campness, looking to chat/meet like-minded guys. The only guys your going to find online are virtual faces to chat to on MSN, if you want something more substantial then you're going to have to get out there and do something that doesn't require a keyboard.

Like Johnny mentioned above, why not come along to the next Queer Beers on November 26th? You'll get to meet plenty of fellow gays there from this forum, and maybe some of the other posters in particular who have left similar messages to yours and mine that you can chat to and see how things go. You could make some wonderful friends out of it and possibly even find a boyfriend too. But you have to start somewhere!

And how are you getting on now Paddy? You seem happy out anyway which is great to see.

Rick_

Yeah, I'm grand thanks Donnaghm, the last few months have been much more upbeat I must admit, and have been chatting to a few guys since then and just seeing how things go really. It is tough making that movement from the online world of chatting to guys to the real world meeting up and chatting, but there are so many wonderful guys out there, it is totally worth it!

souterrain300

Reading the replies is giving me hope. I know there are plenty of non-camp gay guys out there, a lot of them closeted a bit like me. As Paddy said, its a matter of doing something about it and making the effort.

I might try a gay bar soon and see if I am pleasantly surprised. As for queer beers, i'm not so sure. I'll think about it over the coming weeks.

What I kinda want is for guys who are in the closet to post here, simply saying something like "yeah i'm gay and in the closet". I think the more closeted guys/girls that come on here, the better.

Rick_

Yeah, I'm gay and in the closet.

Well, some people know, so I'm more, 'half in half out' I suppose!

boddd

souterrain300 wrote: »

I am a guy in his mid twenties and I am semi-closeted (Only came out to some friends). I haven't been to any gay bars yet but I don't think I will either cos I don't really like the campness of it all. Are there bars that aren't full of camp guys in Dublin?

Also, I am curious to know are there a lot of closeted guys in Ireland? My suspicion is that there is.

I would love to get responses from guys/girls out there that are in the closet and read about their experiences.

One day I would like to meet a nice guy that is not camp (no offense to those that are) that is similar age and has things in common with me. I am feeling very down as I'm writing this and sometimes I wonder am I destined to be alone.

Am 26 and am not out too, gets a bit depressing at times, feel I have wasted so much of my life already, am the same as you really, hate the thought of being alone, hard to find someone when you are in the closet, don't really like gaydar, hard to find a genuine guy.

Chuchoter

bodd souterrain300 4ever


No but in all seriousness theres millions of you, its seems a sizable portion of people aren't out or in a position to be in relationships until they're above 22. You all need to go to queer beers.

hotmail.com

OP - there are loads of gay people in the closet - particularly people that have moved to Dublin from the country. There are many gay men and women that live with partners for years in Dublin, with their families being non the wiser. If you visited gay bars and chatted with other gay people, you would see this.

For most of them, it's not a big deal and for most other people, it's not a big deal that they are in the closet. In fact the whole gay thing isn't a big deal for most people under 35.

Mentioning that gay clubs are camp is a complete generalisation and I wish gays (closet or otherwise) wouldn't perpetuate this rubbish.

souterrain300

You're right. Sorry for making that assumption about gay bars especially when I haven't been to one yet.

Joined gaydar recently and realised there are a lot of closeted guys on it!

Annasopra

souterrain300 wrote: »

You're right. Sorry for making that assumption about gay bars especially when I haven't been to one yet.

Joined gaydar recently and realised there are a lot of closeted guys on it!

why do you need to talk to other closeted guys? When you say closeted - do you mean non scene?

Donnaghm

souterrain300 wrote: »

You're right. Sorry for making that assumption about gay bars especially when I haven't been to one yet.

Joined gaydar recently and realised there are a lot of closeted guys on it!

I hate those profiles that look for people to meet up "discretely", "under the cover of darkness" etc. It's not the 1950's and it just seems seedy and depressing to me.

Aard

Donnaghm wrote: »

I hate those profiles that look for people to meet up "discretely", "under the cover of darkness" etc. It's not the 1950's and it just seems seedy and depressing to me.

I can only assume gaydar is full of mathematicians looking for one-night stands.

Donnaghm

Aard wrote: »

I can only assume gaydar is full of mathematicians looking for one-night stands.

Omg, I just realised I've been spelling discreet incorrectly my entirre life. :eek:

DubArk

Sometimes readings these posts make me think are they not just a case of inverse homophobia!?

souterrain300 wrote: »

I am a guy in his mid twenties and I am semi-closeted (Only came out to some friends). I haven't been to any gay bars yet but I don't think I will either cos I don't really like the campness of it all. Are there bars that aren't full of camp guys in Dublin?

So what if people are camp it’s not Fu*king catching!!

Get over yourselves, if you don’t fancy camp guys then don’t sleep with them.

I’m not camp myself one bit nor is my partner but we still managed to meet one another in a club; where there were camp, butch, black, white, bi, trans, tv’s, drag queens, straight, on and on and on ……..

And yet we found each other without looking down our noses at TYPES of other people.
It reminds me of the cast system in India! Or years ago in black clubs in the UK, they had what was known as the “brown paper bag test” and if you were darker then the bag, then NO admission!!! I’m not making it up and it still goes on in black culture today.

It’s your choice to stay in the closet but don’t do it cause your embarrasses about other people and how they choose to live their lives.

"Judge not and not be judged."

Sometimes people mistaken that all gays are camp because they're more noticeable to people; so they presume then, that’s the case for all.

When you blend no one can see you!

Myself, I embrace diversity...

Barna77

DubArk wrote: »

So what if people are camp it’s not Fu*king catching!!

Are you serious? :eek: I've avoided walking around George St for ages, don't want to catch the camp :rolleyes:

Seriously now, ok, campness is not my thing, I don't like camp guys, but that doesn't mean I will shoot them dead.

Besides, over the last few weeks my circle of gay friends has expanded dramatically, some of the guys are a bit camp, and I still would hang out with them.

Goodshape

I used to "not like" camp guys. Turns out it was my own insecurities really. I was afraid of being, or being seen as being, 'too gay'.

After coming out and gaining confidence in myself... turns out it's not contagious after all! I actually find a bit of campness attractive in a guy

But still can't stand pop music. Seriously. I've not mis-spent a youth listening to Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Radiohead just to end up in a fecking pop disco in my mid 20's. But each to their own!

Goodshape

Johnnymcg wrote: »

why do you need to talk to other closeted guys? When you say closeted - do you mean non scene?

Oh, also... I'd totally resent being called closeted because I don't (often) go out on 'the scene'. A huge world of difference tbh.

Annasopra

Goodshape wrote: »

Oh, also... I'd totally resent being called closeted because I don't (often) go out on 'the scene'. A huge world of difference tbh.

I was trying to work out was the OP confusing the two

Goodshape

Oh yeah, I know. Got the same impression and was going to ask myself but you got there first. Just wanted to nip it in the bud and point out that there is a difference in the two.

St._Andalou

Sorry to hear you're going through a hard time, OP.

You say you've joined Gaydar. It is a great resource, but take it with a pinch of salt.

There's nothing wrong with getting out there, seeing what the scene has to offer. It broadens your horizons and definitely makes you more comfortable with yourself.

jady88

hey weel ive read all the posts. I have recently started going out to bars and they are ok but the point is if all guys went there it would be better.... UCD student here message back if u want guys.

electrobi

I'm 28 and lead an ambiguous lifestyle. That is to say nobody asks whether or not my closet is open and I don't feel the need to tell them. However, queer beers sounds like fun

DS333

None of you has any reason to feel down or to consider that you've wasted half your life.

I spent 40 years running away from the truth. Due to a number of unavoidable stepping-stones which can only be put down to Providence, I came out of the closet when I was 40. I met my first boyfriend when I was 44, when I was least expecting it, and it was the most beautiful experience of my life.

Unfortunately it was too much too soon - hard though it may be to believe nowadays, I come from a fiercely strict Catholic background - and my conscience drove us apart.

But I have dealt with all of that now and have a sixth sense that now, at 50, I will meet someone very special. I have never been as positive or happy in my life before.

So you guys out there half my age have nothing to worry about. You haven't wasted your lives. They're only beginning. You're mere embryos in comparison with me!

And, by the way... When I did muster the courage to come out, they all knew anyway, had known for years. Talk about worrying about nothing.

Good luck to you all but take things easy at the start. You won't regret it.

DS

ninty9er

DS333 wrote: »

And, by the way... When I did muster the courage to come out, they all knew anyway, had known for years. Talk about worrying about nothing.

Snap. And nobody cared.

souterrain300

DS333 wrote: »

None of you has any reason to feel down or to consider that you've wasted half your life.

I spent 40 years running away from the truth. Due to a number of unavoidable stepping-stones which can only be put down to Providence, I came out of the closet when I was 40. I met my first boyfriend when I was 44, when I was least expecting it, and it was the most beautiful experience of my life.

Unfortunately it was too much too soon - hard though it may be to believe nowadays, I come from a fiercely strict Catholic background - and my conscience drove us apart.

But I have dealt with all of that now and have a sixth sense that now, at 50, I will meet someone very special. I have never been as positive or happy in my life before.

So you guys out there half my age have nothing to worry about. You haven't wasted your lives. They're only beginning. You're mere embryos in comparison with me!

And, by the way... When I did muster the courage to come out, they all knew anyway, had known for years. Talk about worrying about nothing.

Good luck to you all but take things easy at the start. You won't regret it.

DS

Thank you very much for your reassurance DS333.

souterrain300

You know what the worst thing is about fancying a guy who you've recently started talking to? (my case)...... The sheer mystery of it all; especially if the two guys are quiet/shy/closeted/ "straight-acting" etc. It's just so bloody frustrating. Wondering if he's that way inclined, wondering if he fancies me.

Sometimes I feel like confronting him about how I feel but then I think about the consequences and end up doing nothing about it as usual. It's the fear.

Will I ever have the courage or bottle to make the first move? It's just so hard.

lionchild

souterrain300 wrote: »

You know what the worst thing is about fancying a guy who you've recently started talking to? (my case)...... The sheer mystery of it all; especially if the two guys are quiet/shy/closeted/ "straight-acting" etc. It's just so bloody frustrating. Wondering if he's that way inclined, wondering if he fancies me.

Sometimes I feel like confronting him about how I feel but then I think about the consequences and end up doing nothing about it as usual. It's the fear.

Will I ever have the courage or bottle to make the first move? It's just so hard.

just jump on him! that'll sort the men from the boys!:pac:

Aard

souterrain300 wrote: »

You know what the worst thing is about fancying a guy who you've recently started talking to? (my case)...... The sheer mystery of it all; especially if the two guys are quiet/shy/closeted/ "straight-acting" etc. It's just so bloody frustrating. Wondering if he's that way inclined, wondering if he fancies me.

Sometimes I feel like confronting him about how I feel but then I think about the consequences and end up doing nothing about it as usual. It's the fear.

Will I ever have the courage or bottle to make the first move? It's just so hard.

You can drop some hints or ask some questions that most people wouldn't notice, but that a gay man would probably pick up on. I don't have anything specific; it depends on the conversation and the people involved.

Or of course, do the obvious thing, and drop a not-so-subtle hint that you're gay. Then you'll find out pretty fast whether he likes you, and you'll save weeks of beating around the bush.

DS333

I wouldn't recommend jumping on him. I know a guy who hadn't come out fully and who did just that. The other fellow was straight and told all and sundry. They made his life hell.

Remember that old saying: Don't cast your pearls before swine.

In my case, I went to a series of courses for gay men and that's where I met my boyfriend. At least we knew we were both gay and, while I hadn't a clue at the time, he made the first move once he thought he was sure of me, and all was hunky dory.

Don't be too impulsive. You don't need to be. After all, you have a quarter of a century head start on me.

I'm not saying you should be afraid, but you should be sensible. Although we're in the 21st century, it's not an ideal world out there. You'll meet the right person at the right time. Better that than make your life hell on impulse. I know it's difficult, but we're not all the same and we don't all have rocket launchers.

Think before you leap

Annasopra

souterrain300 wrote: »

You know what the worst thing is about fancying a guy who you've recently started talking to? (my case)...... The sheer mystery of it all; especially if the two guys are quiet/shy/closeted/ "straight-acting" etc. It's just so bloody frustrating. Wondering if he's that way inclined, wondering if he fancies me.

Sometimes I feel like confronting him about how I feel but then I think about the consequences and end up doing nothing about it as usual. It's the fear.

Will I ever have the courage or bottle to make the first move? It's just so hard.

I know it's really hard - what have you got to lose by making a move or being open about your feelings though?

souterrain300

Johnnymcg wrote: »

I know it's really hard - what have you got to lose by making a move or being open about your feelings though?

I actually had the balls to tell him the other day. Unfortunately he said he wasn't that way inclined but he took it well and said everything's cool. I just can't believe I told him how I felt. Have to say i'm kinda proud of myself:eek:

mtnh

souterrain300 wrote: »

You know what the worst thing is about fancying a guy who you've recently started talking to? (my case)...... The sheer mystery of it all; especially if the two guys are quiet/shy/closeted/ "straight-acting" etc. It's just so bloody frustrating. Wondering if he's that way inclined, wondering if he fancies me.

Sometimes I feel like confronting him about how I feel but then I think about the consequences and end up doing nothing about it as usual. It's the fear.

Will I ever have the courage or bottle to make the first move? It's just so hard.

Yeh, it's incredibly frustrating. Sometimes you feel absolutely sure the feeling is mutual, but then other times you feel stupid for even considering that he might feel the same.

DS333

souterrain300 wrote: »

I actually had the balls to tell him the other day. Unfortunately he said he wasn't that way inclined but he took it well and said everything's cool. I just can't believe I told him how I felt. Have to say i'm kinda proud of myself:eek:

Well done, you! So you should be proud of yourself. That took guts.
I'm really glad he took it so well and I'm sure it will make it easier for you next time.

You're getting there, Souterrain300!:)

ninty9er

There's also the "I didn't know you were gay" response which kinda bugs me. Well nobody "knew" I was straight either and that was never a response.

I sometimes feel awkward because there's guys I know are gay, but they don't know that I'm gay and don't know that I know that they're gay, and I don't want to dump someone in the **** if he were to ask how I knew.

I'm like an overgrown teenager at the moment.

DS333

ninty9er wrote: »

There's also the "I didn't know you were gay" response which kinda bugs me. Well nobody "knew" I was straight either and that was never a response.

I sometimes feel awkward because there's guys I know are gay, but they don't know that I'm gay and don't know that I know that they're gay, and I don't want to dump someone in the **** if he were to ask how I knew.

I'm like an overgrown teenager at the moment.

At least you're not suffering from arrested development like I am.:o

I haven't reached puberty yet!!!!:mad::eek::(

cgcsb

souterrain300 wrote: »

Reading the replies is giving me hope. I know there are plenty of non-camp gay guys out there, a lot of them closeted a bit like me. As Paddy said, its a matter of doing something about it and making the effort.

I might try a gay bar soon and see if I am pleasantly surprised. As for queer beers, i'm not so sure. I'll think about it over the coming weeks.

What I kinda want is for guys who are in the closet to post here, simply saying something like "yeah i'm gay and in the closet". I think the more closeted guys/girls that come on here, the better.

chap, what's wrong with camp guys?
They used to make me nervous in public places, but the upside of comming out is that you eventually stop giving a f**k what people think of you. And now I actually find myself attracted to certain "camp" qualities, well I like a bit of sensitivity in a guy, put it that way.

hotmail.com

souterrain300 wrote: »

I actually had the balls to tell him the other day. Unfortunately he said he wasn't that way inclined but he took it well and said everything's cool. I just can't believe I told him how I felt. Have to say i'm kinda proud of myself:eek:

Dear god, go to a gay bar. Please just go.

Barna77

cgcsb wrote: »

And now I actually find myself attracted to certain "camp" qualities, well I like a bit of sensitivity in a guy, put it that way.

Christ, I hate when people say gays are so sensitive because they are gay... I, for one, have a stone for a heart :mad:

Rick_

I wouldn't equate sensitivity with campness.

I would consider myself to be quite sensitive (in the sense that I can watch something that is slightly sad and feel moved by it / close to tears / bawling my eyes out at times!) and yet I am 100% non-camp in any shape or form. I know straight guys who are quite sensitive too and gay guys with no heart or compassion what-so-ever.

DS333

Paddy C wrote: »

I wouldn't equate sensitivity with campness.

I would consider myself to be quite sensitive (in the sense that I can watch something that is slightly sad and feel moved by it / close to tears / bawling my eyes out at times!) and yet I am 100% non-camp in any shape or form. I know straight guys who are quite sensitive too and gay guys with no heart or compassion what-so-ever.

Me too! And I'm as butch as they come. And I'm not sure that all camp guys are such softies either. I may be wrong...

souterrain300

hotmail.com wrote: »

Dear god, go to a gay bar. Please just go.

Which one do you suggest I go to? I'm not goin to the george

souterrain300

cgcsb wrote: »

chap, what's wrong with camp guys?
They used to make me nervous in public places, but the upside of comming out is that you eventually stop giving a f**k what people think of you. And now I actually find myself attracted to certain "camp" qualities, well I like a bit of sensitivity in a guy, put it that way.

I'm just not into them. I've nothing against them, By the way, you don't have to be camp to be sensitive. I would consider myself quite sensitive I suppose and i'm definitely not camp.