Your experience with being cheated on.

LegacyUser

Just got cheated on by my partner of 5 years we were engaged to get married. I signed into MSN one night on his account to talk to a friend and a girl from his work started writing back and after confronting him about it he admitted it.

So ladies I said I would post this thread to let you have your say.

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
* Was the relationship serious?
* How did you get over it?
* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?
* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?

Hooked

I'm a bloke, but I'll give you my euro 0.02 for the hell of it!


* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
Caught her red handed. By accident. Came as quite the shock looking back...

* Was the relationship serious?
Well, it was to one of us! Round the 7 year mark.

* How did you get over it?
I didn't. I dont think you ever fully get over this type of behaviour from
someone so close to you. You just learn to live with it. IN TIME!

* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?
Yes and no. It made me less reliant on anothers company and I gained all sorts of independence and a new outlook on life. But it took time. Though I'm far less trusting in my thirties than I was in my twenties. Like any experience, you learn from it and it changes you.

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?
Initally, yes. The reaction is to hold on to what's familiar for fear of being alone. Then, IN TIME, you realise that being alone allows you to learn more about yourself, change the bits you want to and do things that you never thought possible!!!

It's tough at the start OP. If I could sit myself down at your early stage in my break up I'd say... Have some self respect. Cut all contact. Dont fear the unknown. Don't go back to what you know!!!

Easier said than done. Good luck.

The_Morrigan

My experience is recent also (August)

*What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?

He had told me he was going away with work - new job with a global company and heading to their training facility - I instantly smelled a rat as it was his 30th the following week. Questioned him and he swore blind he was telling the truth. Then I get an email from him saying he had landed safely in Spain - I noticed the time stamp was the same as mine so I knew he was still in the same time zone as me (therefore not where he said he was). A few days later I get a message on facebook from his girlfriend, saying she was worried about him and he had always said I was a really good friend etc etc....you can imagine the surprise when I emailed back saying I was his gf!!

* Was the relationship serious?

I had assumed so, we were talking marriage & kids, and he practically lived with me (he ran up all my bills and ate all my food at any rate)

* How did you get over it?

I haven't yet, I'm still angry and feel like an idiot for not spotting the signs earlier and kicking him to touch. However I will never forget the look on his face when he saw both his gf's standing in the same room.

* Has it made it difficult for your future relationship?

don't know yet, but I'll probably be even more cynical of guys now.

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?

I had given him a chance to 'fess up before his other gf emerged from my spare room - I think at the time if he had come clean before the confrontation I would have tried to work things out. But now thinking back I would have been an idiot to do that. He used me and there is no way to forgive that, or be able to trust the guy again.

PCPhoto

my experience with cheating is that I havent and wont.

(have been accused of it in the past) ...I'm a natural flirty guy and in my job I need to get along with everyone that I deal with - personality clashes are a no-no.

anyway - GF at the time accused me of cheating on her - the one night I went out without her or without her staying at my place (we were together almost a year at this stage) ..... I lost trust in her and told her I could forgive her but couldnt forget the matter....we split shortly afterwards.

we did get back together (after 3/4years) ... been together almost a year again...and no problems.

so its hurtful to be accused of cheating (even more so when it didn't happen) .... I cant defend any cheaters ... like my girlfriend says - if you are going to cheat on me - let me know - so I can get on with my life.....don't have room for sharing a partner - life is busy enough.

xzanti

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?

Found hairclips in his bed the following day after him being 'out with friends'

* Was the relationship serious?

Serious enough, I was still pretty young.. about a year into it.

* How did you get over it?

Dumped his ass

* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?

Not really, looking back, he was totally wrong for me anyway..

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?

LOL

I may have been cheated on in other relationships but I don't know about it.. He was pretty much caught red handed.. :rolleyes:

Asphyxia

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
We didn't live to near each other so he used to stay at my house at the weekends one weekend he said he had to go to a christening, the whole weekend I never heard a word from him no call or text. I remember getting a phone call from his best friend asking how I was and I having no clue why he was being so sympathetic and then let it sleep that he was with a girl. I was crushed.

* Was the relationship serious?
It was heading that way but I am thankful it didn't.

* How did you get over it?
I don't think you can ever get over cheating I think it stays with you, but I did however get over the guy.

* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?
It's definitely made me think more from being cheated on I have never and could never cheat on anyone. I know that I will never have another long distance relationship again because in my opinion I just don't think they work. As far as my current relationship goes I have had problems at the start it was only meant to have been some fun but then feelings developed. There was ups and downs the first few months but looking forward over 3 and a half years I could't be happier I have trust in him and we always make time for each other to talk (Trust and communication are the way to go)

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?
Difficult question to answer! I never have taken back a a guy who has cheated on me directly but I have taken back a guy who cheated on someone else (I was the other women) I started seeing a guy in February and we started going out in April he was still seeing another girl at the time which I didn't know about, he broke up with her July/August I didn't find out till a year later he sat me down and told me. Initially I was shocked and hurt but when I sat down and thought about it at the time I realized that at the time our relationship was pretty opened and nothing too serious I admire him coming and telling me about it instead of trying to hide it and we worked on us. I'm still with him now going strong and complete trust.

Wibbs

Honorary lady here...

I've been cheated on a couple of times. Mine are a little different though so don't know if it counts. I never had the "I have a bit on the side for a while and I discovered months later", they were all "I'm lining someone up to replace you" types. My most recent one? Well it's a good few years back now.

HurtGal101 wrote: »

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?

It was one of her co workers. They all went out one night. I was supposed to meet up with her later, even helped her pick out her gear for the night before she went out(dolled her up for someone else. Niiice). She went out as planned, but later when we were to meet up I couldn't contact her. Indeed became concerned for her as she always responded no matter what. Next day she rings and tells me of this new guy and how shes "confused". Dontcha love the classics She'd been lining him up for a couple of weeks. A week after that she was describing him as her boyfriend, which confused those who knew us both. Of course she kept me in play until the transition was complete. She was actually cheating on both me and the replacement guy. I doubt he ever found out though.

* Was the relationship serious?

Yep, three years plus. In love and all that. I'm not a big fan of marriage, but she would have been one of only two in my life I would have considered that with.

* How did you get over it?

I'd agree with Hooked and Pocketfizz, you don't really, you learn to live with it after some emotional processing. I think it can be easier if you've been a cheat yourself in the past, or the lines were blurred on that score. I never have and couldnt imagine doing that to someone I liked, never mind loved so it still doesnt quite compute for me emotionally.

* Has it made it difficult for your future relationships?

Initially I thought it might, then I thought it wouldn't. Now I think it has. Well not just because of her to be fair. I've also been the "other guy" on a fair few occasions. Mostly again the "are you the replacement guy" with a couple of ONS bits on the side for others bored in their relationships. In the majority of cases I didnt find out straightaway, but after a while you get to know the signs pretty damned quickly. Looking back very few of my relationships started when they were completely single(though I never knew at the time). I seem to get the ones who move smoothly from one to the next, so I suppose as past actions tend to inform future ones, I'm not surprised I was moved on in a similar way. So now? Honestly? I trust women as friends. Indeed I find them in general more honest as friends than my male mates. When it gets romantic? I'm far more cynical than I would have believed ten years ago. Would I trust now? In a practical sense yes. Im not the possessive nutter type , but I would always keep a large bit of my head and heart cordoned off and wouldnt be that surprised if I got played again. Hurt a little of course, but not surprised.

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?

Oh yea. Well the ones I loved anyway. I despised the cheating and the selfishness behind it, but it didn't flick the switch in my head to "not in love anymore". For me anyway, love is all about acceptance and I apply that to both the good and bad aspects. Simply put my love isn't conditional in that sense. The only condition is that we both work at it. If someone I loved cheated I would want to know why and would want to know how we could deal with that together. The actual physical act itself while upsetting initially is much less of a concern to me than the emotional betrayal and what caused it.

LegacyUser

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
We were having bad problems (were still engaged and going out about 5 years). He was away for the weekend, when he came back I found a note from her in his bag, there was also evidence on the web - I stupidly wrote to her asking her to stop, she said that she did not care.
* Was the relationship serious?
See above.
* How did you get over it?
Went our with someone else but stayed in contact - we were always best friends and that never changed. I was partially to blame and he was going through a really hard time. We both forgave each other.
* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?
Am happily married to him so no.
* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?
We are happily married - we both made mistakes in the past - he has more than proved that he is a wonderful husband since - he always was and always will be the love of my life.

I only posted this as it shows that sometimes you can get over an affair and it can make the relationship stronger.

Giselle

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?

I was 21, it was my first relationship. I was a very shy and bookish teen and was late to take the plunge. We were together a year when it happened and I bear some responsibility. I was working hard at Uni and not finding it easy. I didn't prioritise my relationship and let it slide. Theres only so much of being second in line a person can take. He blurted it out.

* Was the relationship serious?

I thought he was the love of my life.

* How did you get over it?

I'm not. I haven't been with anyone since, and I'm terrified of that sort of hurt again.

* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?

See above. I don't know how long it will be before I feel brave enough to take the plunge again.

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?

I would and did, because I knew I neglected him and us. We tried, but a combination of my insecurity and his needing more of my time made it too hard to continue. He shouldn't have cheated, but I should have been more aware of the problems we had.

He isn't a bad person, and nothing is black and white.

bohochic

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
A friend text me and told me to come to the night club when I got there he was all over some young one.
* Was the relationship serious?
Over a year I loved him
* How did you get over it?
I am far from over it never will I think
* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?
Oh yes i find it so hard to trust now
* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?
I would have but thankfully my friends were there to keep me strong

Acoshla

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
I was 17, he was 20, but we'd been together since I was 13 and were very close. He moved abroad for college in the September, but we stayed together, he would call me crying about how lonely and difficult it was to be away from me and home. He came home for Christmas and my Debs. The night before Christmas Eve he went out with all our friends, I wasn't allowed out and was mad I missed a big night with our other main couple friends, the 4 of us were very close. Anyways Christmas Eve he came over to my house and was in a foul mood, but put it down to being tired.

Skip forward 3 months and a friend of mine tells me that she's heard he hasn't even been faithful when he's home never mind abroad, and she names my best friend (the girl in the other couple, so his best friend's girlfriend) as the other girl. It was so ridiculous an idea that I laughed it off, and told my boyfriend about it, thinking it was jealousy or something from the girl who "made it up". A few days later the other girl's boyfriend calls me and tells me it's true, to call my boyfriend and ask him. He answered the phone sobbing. Turns out that on the night out at Christmas that I had missed, him and her had had sex in the toilets of the nightclub while her boyfriend was outside obliviously waiting for them. Nice.

* Was the relationship serious?
It really was, and even now 10 years and 2 adult relationships later I can still say that we were very serious about each other, both families were devastated over what happened because we had managed to almost grow up and stay together through so much (he was a very successful musician and travelled the world while I was in 6th year, it was weird )

* How did you get over it?
I was devastated over what happened, then he strung me along for another 2 years (I'm an idiot I know), and in between I went for the most stupid boys, who treated me like crap but I was desparate for anyone to be nice to me and treat me better. But then it was like a switch flicked and I just realised that just because he was a d*ck didn't mean anyone else was, I knew it was his fault and his problem and nothing to do with me at all.

* Has it made it difficult for your future relationship?
No, not at all, probably because my 2 relationships since have been with completely different guys to what he was like, he was always emotional, unstable, intense, etc. So being with regular guys was much easier! And I trusted my other ex and my current boyf completely, I don't let him cloud my trust of others.

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?
Originally I did, he was very sorry, he was distraught at what had happened. But about 6 months after it happened I was still making digs and snide comments about it, I couldn't let it go, and I learned a big lesson, for me cheating is the end, because I can't forget it.

We actually became good friends since, when we started hanging out again he kept apologising, he even came up to my house and apologised to my Mom for the pain he caused me I know he regrets it, we would eventually have broken up (when I eventually realised he was borderline alcoholic and more trouble than he's worth) but it was a pity it happened the way it did.

Geansai Rua

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
I heard from the girl he was with. He still denies it to this day. But I know

* Was the relationship serious?
He was my first proper boyfriend. We were both 18. It felt so serious at the time. But looking back, I dont know why I stayed with him so long.
He really broke my heart.

* How did you get over it?
Time was the best healer. I left to go to college away from home, met loads of new people. Ended up getting tired of just partying all the time and came home. Now im all settled down with my new boyfriend.

* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?
At the beginning. I cheated on him and he found out and I never felt so guilty. But we have moved on. Now three years later I am happy and I trust him 100%. I didnt really trust my ex.

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?
I took him back a number of times. We slept together, then I would realise how ridiculous it was and stopped. I avoid him like the plague now. I hate awkwardness!

watna

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?

I only found out afterwards. He went away for a few months for work and we kind of went on a break - except I thought it was "a break" and he thought we were broken up. He started see his ex gf (from before we were going out) a few months before we broke up/went on a break so he was with both of us for a few months. When he got back from his work abroad he said he didn't want us to "get back together" and a few weeks later I found out why. He was with his ex.

* Was the relationship serious?
I thought it was, he really didn't and I should have realised it. We wer togehter 3 years when we broke up.

* How did you get over it?
I was crushed and it took me a while to get over it. I was by myself for about a year and had no inerest in other men.

* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?
No, not really. When I first met my OH I told him about it and it made me a little less trusting but I was really naive so maybe taht was a good thing. With my OH almost 5 years now and he would never do that to me in a million years. What's even more important is that I would know if he was and would have no hesitation in saying I deserve better than that, With my ex I knew something wasn't right and that he didn't intend us to be together forever and I let myself be treated badly. I would never ever let that happen again.

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated? I would have taken him back if he'd wanted because I didn't have enough self-respect but thank god I didn't. It is something I'm truly greatful for. Especially given how lucky I am with my partner now. I couldn't imagine if I hadn't met him. It's like the Garth Brooks song, unanswered prayers!

I'm really sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I hope you are coping ok. Please just remember that while it is scary to be alone or to let go of something you thought was forever it is also really important to look after yourself and remember you deserve better than that. It's up to you what you are willing to put up with.

Chinafoot

So sorry to hear about what happened to you. It's clichéd but time is a healer and you'll be able to move on.

HurtGal101 wrote: »

What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?

I was very young at the time, 16, almost 17, and he was 5 years older. He was my first proper boyfriend and I was mad about him. Then she appeared. My first introduction to her was the back of her head as she stood in front of me to flirt with and hug my boyfriend in the pub. They had been in school together and she was home from college in Cork. Then the texts started. He suddenly couldn't meet me as he was "fixing her PC" or helping her with college stuff. This coupled with a huge row with his mates at a 21st where I was accused of all sorts in front of a crowd of people (all complete and utter bull) got too much for me and I ended things. He begged me not to but I had it confirmed by the girls I was hanging out with at the time that he had indeed been playing away.

HurtGal101 wrote: »

Was the relationship serious?

We were together just under 2 years and it was very intense. His best friend decided he hated me about 6 months into the relationship (openly admitted he was jealous of the time I spent with my boyfriend) and he told my boyfriend's mother all sorts of lies. I was then banned from her house which made things even more difficult and even more intense.

HurtGal101 wrote: »

How did you get over it?

Well we had a very long and drawn out break-up despite the fact that he was with her the entire time. He completely messed me around for about 6 months after. I cut all ties as my leaving cert was coming up and then after my exams when he got back in touch I booked myself a ticket for a year in Australia. Best thing I ever did. I was no angel on my year away and I did sleep with a number of people. In a way it was regaining a bit of control. When I came home and started college I felt that I had got rid of the anger and hurt and was ready to start my own life. I've been with my boyfriend over 5 years now and couldn't be happier.

HurtGal101 wrote: »

Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?

Not when it came to men, no. Being friends with girls is a different story though, as it turned out the girls I was hanging out with the at the time took great pleasure in what was happening and they stirred it up. One of them was mad about one of my ex's friends and he had no interest in her. Unfortunately he got hammered one night and asked could he speak to me outside, I agreed assuming he wanted to talk about my friend. Instead he tried it on. I turned him down and told my boyfriend the next day, and it was fine. It all got thrown back in my face at that 21st and it was because my so-called friend told my ex's friends that I went outside with this guy and she couldn't say for sure nothing happened.

My ex is now married with kids to the girl he cheated with so I don't feel too bad about what happened. I wish he could have been an adult about his feelings and ended things with me with some honesty. My so-called friend, who I hadnt seen in a while, also took great pleasure in coming to where I was working to tell me my ex and this girl were engaged - purely to get a reaction. Nice, eh? :rolleyes:

HurtGal101 wrote: »

Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?

I broke up with him and he begged me not to. He contacted me daily to change my mind. Said he loved me. I said ok, lets try again and got told "but I love Lisa too." This crap went on for about 6 months until I got a text that was obviously meant for her. It said something along the lines of "I love fúking you in every way possible. You're the most amazing and beautiful girl I've ever seen and I get hard just thinking of you....". There was loads more - about 3 messages worth - I have to say, that was a real kick in the face. I sent him a text back and told him to delete my number as I really didn't want to see texts about his sex life. He denied all knowledge, insisted on picking me up from the train to see it and then accused me of faking the messages. The decision was made there and then that I would have nothing more to do with him.

LegacyUser

just to add something - girls cheat also. i know plenty of stories of girls straying, so this thread needs some balance, its not all men that are b*stards, woman can be just as bad.

i was in a 5 year relationship from 18-23 and my girlfriend moved to france for 3 months on college placement. after 3 weeks, she rang me and broke it off, saying it wasnt working out anymore, this was 2 days after telling me she loved me. now, i knew it was coming, i had talked about not being happy with her anymore, but i always stuck at it, cos 5 years is a long time and people always have problems in relationships at some stage and they need to be worked on, you just cant walk away easily.

but i know in my heart, the main reason she did it was to cover up the fact she cheated on me, the night before. she went out, got blind drunk and was with somebody and this was her only way out. she couldnt face me to tell me it was over, so she was hiding something. i havent seen her since. but i just know thats whats happened, ive read between the lines with a few other things ive seen since and im convinced she did it. she had a few evil friends with her, who had relationship issues/were single and i know, from what she told me, that they helped her to break up with me, by telling her loads of s*ite.

personally, i dont see the point in cheating, if you think you have a future with somebody. there is no excuse for it, but sometimes people are driven to it by certain things.

if somebody is in a full time relationship and then, is seeing somebody else full time on the sly, it doesnt make sense.

alibaba12

*What is the story behind it (how did you find out)? My ex would go to his mates most weekends in drogheda, we lived in dublin. I knew in my gut something was up and after many arguments he admitted it in part but not all. I knew there was way more cheating involved I'd say every weekend for best part of a year. * Was the relationship serious?Yes, engaged & 3 years together, although he never wanted to tell anyone we were engaged, should have known then what he was like!* How did you get over it?It was our 3 year anniversary he had got drunk and went to his mates for the weekend as usual, I couldnt believe he didnt want to spend our anniversary together. I went out with friends and ended up meeting someone else not intentionally, but we ended up together.* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?No am still with the guy I met that night nearly 4 years ago and am now engaged & living with him* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated? No way, best thing I did was get rid. Even if I hadnt of met my current bf I never regretted getting rid of my ex. Having said all my ex is still chasing me to get back with him despite the fact he has a new gf & lives with her.

Vinta81

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
I walked in on it after deciding I would surprise him

* Was the relationship serious?
We'd been together about a year, we hadn't slept together at that stage. I thought it was pretty serious.

* How did you get over it?
Cried a lot, developted torrettes syndrome at the mere mention of his name

* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?
Haven't been in a relationship since. I tend not to open myself up to guys except when it comes to sex.

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?

See question 3, after the comma.

Sanjuro

Also a male of the male gender, but here' my own experience-

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
She told me. Immediately after I'd asked her to come to my debs. It was a case of 'of course I'll go to your debs! But, um... I have something to tell you.'

* Was the relationship serious?
I thought it was. I guess it wasn't as serious as I had hoped.

* How did you get over it?
Yeah, given enough time. We were in the same group of friends at the time, so it was very awkward for a while. But eventually we were able to be cool. Not buddies. But we were able to chat and what not.


* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?
Not really. It taught me that cheating is based on what the person is like. It's not something everyone will do. So it's not fair to judge everyone based on that one experience.

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?
No. There was obviously something fundamentally wrong with the relationship in the first place, so why try to fix something that's pretty much broken beyond repair? Besides, having been in love since, I know I wasn't in love with her. Maybe if it happened with someone I was in love with, then I might be singing a different song!

Maple

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
His best mate told me. I'd been wondering why my boyfriend was like a demon for a number of months, couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. His best mate finally fessed up and told me, he and I were pretty close and he figured I had a right to know.

* Was the relationship serious?
Yes, I thought this was the man I would end up with forever.
* How did you get over it?
By dumping his sorry ass. Then going out and getting very drunk, dancing around a handbag, kissing some poor fool and going home and crying into my bag of chips. Repeat by 3 months.
* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?
No. I feel every person should be judged on their own merit and it's not fair to bring the sins of the past relationship into the current one and have your current partner pay. Of course in my weaker moments that sensible approach goes out the window and I have a proper freak out for myself but I do try not to!
* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?
Yes, I did it for love, I loved him so much and I hated being without him, we had big conversations about it and our future so I got back together with him and we went out for another number of years. It was tough tho and it took time before I felt I could trust him. It didn't help that the girl he kissed was a proper tinker who felt it appropriate to approach me in public and try to start arguments with me, plus her mother got involved too in giving me evils over the vegetables in our local supermarket. Daft bats the pair of them.

azwethinkweiz

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
He went out with a friend one night (he used to go out all the time & I was never brought along, I know why now!) and a mutual friend told me she'd seen him with someone else all night.

* Was the relationship serious?
We had been together for about 2 years, not serious exactly but still hurt my confidence.

* How did you get over it?
I convinced myself (eventually) that it wasn't my fault it had happened, i hadn't done anything wrong... he was just selfish & I met someone else about 8 months later who i was with for 4 years (up until we broke up 2 months ago)

* Has it made it difficult for your future relationship?
Yes, i think it has. I find myself being very wary of all men now. I still find it hard to trust people completely, I find myself questioning everything someone says to me...

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?
No, at first when i was missing him a lot I felt like i wanted to go back to him but friends & family were there for support and didnt let me make a fool of myself again thank god!

rannerap

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?

I had a gut feeling something was going on so I checked his phone and everything I thought was happening was confirmed. once that came out he confessed everything including other things I didnt know about

* Was the relationship serious?

yes and no, we were together a while but I was still in love with someone else so really it wasnt serious and wasnt really headed anywhere


* How did you get over it?

I never got over it, i let it go, stupidly, but I was never over it.

* Has it made it difficult for your future relationship?

its made me trust my instinct more, it hasnt made me less trustful though, other guys dont deserve to be not trusted because of what happened with this one

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?

I did, but I never got over what happened, and really I wasnt with him for the right reasons anyway. It was a re bound and I just didnt want to be alone. I would never make the same mistake again though

Madame Razz

I was only ever badly affected by one break up.

He turned out to be engaged; his fiancée had been off travelling and he told me the day before she returned. It was my 'you're fired' moment:p

I was crazy about him and the feelings had seemed to be mutual; so when he told me the truth it hurt all the more. I cried and cried and cried, and then went a self destruction rampage for quite a while, which revolved largely around drink and sex. The whole thing had an enormous effect on me and my self esteem. I became an asshole magnet; and I was every bit the asshole back. It wasn't a very good time in my life tbh; a lot of fun granted, but time over I wouldn't do it again.

Did I take him back?? Well, his fiancée found out about me and dumped his sorry ass; and as I was always ridiculously hooked on him I ended up in bed with him. At least once a week. For a year. Until I FINALLY saw sense and called time on the whole thing.

It took a long time to get over him. Even with other men I still thought of him. I abandoned dates and ran to wherever he was on several occasions. I was such a fool for him.

Ironically it took a fling with a much older man to lead me to believe a bit in my self again, and set me on the right road. It was like he broke the spell. Two months after said fling I met a wonderful guy and was able to commit to
a relationship with him. We're getting married next year.

Asshole still tries to contact me. But I can't remember the last time I answered.

Truley

When I was eighteen I spent about a year 'seeing' a guy who had just gotten out of a three year relationship. Used to talk alot about how he broke up with his girlfriend but she just couldn't get over him and would carry on as if they had never split. Sometimes he would show me her 'crazy stalker' texts where she acted like they were still together, or would answer the phone and chat when she called. I know he had a number of conquests between this split and meeting me, which seemed to have caused a massive rift between himself and the ex. I was always kept well hidden from his friends and family incase his crazy ex found out and got upset. (Blah blah you can see where this is going...)

So after about a year a very messy break up ensued where he sort of panickly (and nastily!) dumped me with no explaination. Wasn't exactly a heartbreak but it was a huge shock and kick to my self esteem. I was extremely hurt and upset, though I got over it pretty fast. Earlier this year out of curiosity I sort of half-heartedly typed his name into facebook. What do I see on his page only him and his fiance, the same girl he supposedly broke up all those years ago. Ok looking back it was pretty obvious what he was playing at, but I was young and naive. Plus I didn't think somebody could be that blatant about cheating on someone :eek:

The bitter side of me sometimes fantasizes about sending his girlfriend a little email, though I would never really do it. Besides, she probably already knows. Poor thing.

That said, have you ever noticed how it's always the people who are most neurotic about trust and jealousy that end being the dishonest ones. Funny that :P

The_Morrigan

Truley wrote: »

When I was eighteen I spent about a year 'seeing' a guy who had just gotten out of a three year relationship. Used to talk alot about how he broke up with his girlfriend but she just couldn't get over him and would carry on as if they had never split. Sometimes he would show me her 'crazy stalker' texts where she acted like they were still together, or would answer the phone and chat when she called. I know he had a number of conquests between this split and meeting me, which seemed to have caused a massive rift between himself and the ex. I was always kept well hidden from his friends and family incase his crazy ex found out and got upset. (Blah blah you can see where this is going...)

So after about a year a very messy break up ensued where he sort of panickly (and nastily!) dumped me with no explaination. Wasn't exactly a heartbreak but it was a huge shock and kick to my self esteem. I was extremely hurt and upset, though I got over it pretty fast. Earlier this year out of curiosity I sort of half-heartedly typed his name into facebook. What do I see on his page only him and his fiance, the same girl he supposedly broke up all those years ago. Ok looking back it was pretty obvious what he was playing at, but I was young and naive. Plus I didn't think somebody could be that blatant about cheating on someone :eek:

The bitter side of me sometimes fantasizes about sending his girlfriend a little email, though I would never really do it. Besides, she probably already knows. Poor thing.

That said, have you ever noticed how it's always the people who are most neurotic about trust and jealousy that end being the dishonest ones. Funny that :P

+1

my ex was always pulling the "oh thats just great, you don't trust me" line a lot...this coming from the knob that had convinced himself that he could have 2 relationships on the go at the same time....

Giselle

Truley wrote: »

That said, have you ever noticed how it's always the people who are most neurotic about trust and jealousy that end being the dishonest ones. Funny that :P

Its projection.

They secretly worry that you're as capable of cheating as they are, and act as suspicious as they unconsciously think you should be.

metrovelvet

Truley wrote: »

That said, have you ever noticed how it's always the people who are most neurotic about trust and jealousy that end being the dishonest ones. Funny that :P

+ a gazillion!

Yep! And it extends to a general rule too about paranoid untrusting people. They themselves are or become untrustworthy.

Neyite

wrote:

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?

we hadnt been getting along for a few months, something was 'off' but yet every time I tried to figure out what was the issue, i got a big row and told i was crazy. i was helping my mum look after dad at the time as he was sick, and came home to find two wine glasses, one with lipstick, on the counter. next weekend he went away and the details were very vague and didnt make sense, the only conclusion was that he was with another woman. i just knew. he was and i assume, still is, in denial. but i got confirmation from a very reliable source that she was lined up as the replacement.as far as i can gather, there was an overlap of about 6 weeks. if i met him today, 8 years on he would still deny it. but thats his problem.

wrote:

* Was the relationship serious?

well, there's the funny bit. he was the one doing all the talk about marraige, kids, etc. i loved him, but he was the one making the big (empty) promises

wrote:

* How did you get over it?

initially i was pathetic, i begged, pleaded, cried etc, i think it broke me inside initially. i withdrew from the social whirl to focus on me. i had to. funnily enough, in hindsight, him being an utter asshole was the best thing that ever happened me. i got counselling i really worked on me. i am really proud of the results,and of the person i am today but like to think that i will always be a work in progress

wrote:

* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?

easier, actually. i took a year out of dating, and concentrated on me. when i was in the right place myself, i met someone i had known and respected as a really nice guy for ages. we went on a date, and the rest is history. we are together 7 years, but ive known him for 10. i found my soulmate right under my nose, just didnt see it. we are planning our future together and it feels amazing.

wrote:

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?

at the time, without a doubt. i was an utter doormat. if it was now, and even if i still had feelings for him, not a hope. i found my pride for the first time in my life, and wont be handing it to anyone else again on a plate.

so much more went on in that previous relationship than im comfortable sharing on a forum. the other woman didnt hurt me as much as other stuff. it was like he enjoyed being cruel and hurtful.it was such a headwreck that i look back and shake my head in bewilderment that i was so stupid, but it was a vital relationship in making me finally face up to my own inner unhappiness and deal with it so i could be a healthy, happy person in my own right. as for my ex.... well, hopefully Karma will sort him out;)

storm2811

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
He cheated on me twice, but maybe more, I don't know!A friend told me, I confronted him about it and he denied it but later admitted it.

* Was the relationship serious?
Kind of, 9 months.

* How did you get over it?
Cried and cried! Friends were a huge help though.

* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?
Not really, it all depends on how much you trust people.

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?I did but we broke up soon after anyway.

Hope you're getting on okay btw.

Bonito

HurtGal101 wrote: »

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?

With someone I used to be friends with. One of my female friends walked in on them at it and came out crying and told me.

* Was the relationship serious?

Meh, at the time, yes, I was pretty young. I tended to put all my eggs in the one basket.

* How did you get over it?

Time. Seriously, time & distance.

Did difficult for your future relationship?

Not at all. I take people as they are, and not let something someone else did to me cloud my feelings.

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?

No I wouldn't.

Giselle wrote: »

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?

I was 21, it was my first relationship. I was a very shy and bookish teen and was late to take the plunge. We were together a year when it happened and I bear some responsibility. I was working hard at Uni and not finding it easy. I didn't prioritise my relationship and let it slide. Theres only so much of being second in line a person can take. He blurted it out.

We all view and take things in differently but I'd be of the opinion that you had your priorities right.

If he was as serious about you as you were him, he wouldn't have strayed. You say you were at Uni. He could have been patient and helped you. If it's going to be forever, what does 2 or 3 years matter in the sum of the rest of your lives together? It's very small.

Wibbs

Bonito wrote: »

If he was as serious about you as you were him, he wouldn't have strayed. You say you were at Uni. He could have been patient and helped you. If it's going to be forever, what does 2 or 3 years matter in the sum of the rest of your lives together? It's very small.

Plus one.

LegacyUser

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
Ok, here I go. The first time, I found him having full on sex in the back seat of his cousins car which was parked across the road from our apartment, with some girl he met in a bar. I went over to the car and he said "****!" and started rolling up the windows, as if that would do anything. She started screaming, He told me to **** off, its over. I told him he'd never see me again and moved out that night. He found me and we ended up back together. Silly me. The second, third, fourth, etc....Our living conditions were undesirable to say the least so I moved out to be closer to my nice job. He showed up to meet me with a love bite on his neck and when I questioned it he told me he fell on a pipe!!! I laugh now at how stupid that was, but at the time although of course I didn't believe him, I was afraid of being alone. Then he lost his phone and the old woman who found it called me, I got the phone back and there was over 7 different girls texting him, and It was VERY clear he was sleeping with all of them. The week before he had asked me did I sleep with someone else, which of course I hadn't, and accused me of giving him an STD. He must've been worried he had given me one. Needless to say Im grateful he hadnt.
* Was the relationship serious?
We were together 3 years, but we had left the country together and were together 24/7 in the new place because for the first while we knew nobody but each other. So it was pretty intense.
* How did you get over it?
I cut all contact and moved! The whole relationship, not just the cheating, still affects me. It was a bad bad situation. I remember a few days after it, having a big cry for about an hour and then saying to myself right thats it. Im brilliant at ignoring things and thinking im a big tough girl so I put it all to the back of my mind and didnt deal with it. It hit me like an train about 6 months later and I found it harder to deal with then. But I have fantastic friends and family. I still deal with it but it was him and not me who ruined things. Im well over him, I dont resent him, he did what he did, and was who he was. I dont have regrets because of the value I place on the lessons I learned.
* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship? It has. But each person is different. I think you know deep inside when you cant trust someone. I always try to listen to instinct and gut feelings. You will always just know somethings not right. Ive been with guys since and none of those ended because of my past experience.
* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?
Well I did first, but not a hope the second time.

I havent shared that with many but just felt I could. I hope you are ok OP, its hard but love yourself and dont waste your time. The best thing about this thread is that it shows that others have had similar experiences and you're not alone. Maybe thats a comfort?
I certainly dont think all men are assholes and think with their luggage. People are people, some big some small, some smart some dumb, some cheat some don't.

larrymickdick

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
I was at a 30th party and my friend drank too much - had to bring her home as she was vomitting all over the place - the next day her and another friend asked me to call around - me thinking nothing of it was like yeah cool they told me my boyf had done loads of coke that night (we used to fight about that all the time - i'm not into it and he had serious addiction) so I stormed off - called up to him went mental at him and he started balling crying saying please don't break up with me - i was like have to think about it - you've been lying so long not sure how i feel about this

back down to the girls - told them what happened (he's needs to sort himself out blah blah blah) then the whole truth comes out - he cracked onto our other friend (who wasn't around for any of the confession time as she felt i wouldn't believe her the shame i feel for her thinking that as i probably woudln't have) while she was passed out on the bed at the party (trying to finger her) and i exploded! up to his house went mental and he told me she was lying (he used to make up stories about her all the time as she was aware how much coke he was doing and was afraid she'd tell me) his mam -(cheeky mare) said how dare i come into her house and cause such a scene - so stormed around to friend who confirmed everything (my best friend i've known since i was 3 backed her up and she defo wouldn't lie)


* Was the relationship serious?
I was quite young only 22 but had been with him 3years and we were engaged and saving for a house - I thought he was who i was going to spend the rest of my life with honestly

* How did you get over it?
oh god - i came so close to a mental breakdown when i look back now it frightens me - had panic attacks anytime i saw people who knew us - it was the betrayal more so than anything else and my pride was shattered as he had obvioudly been behaving like this for the entire relationship and everyone that knew us a couple and i was the only one in the dark - but my friends were amazing - i went from thinking of him as a wonderful caring guy who was in truth besotted with me to finding out all the stuff he had been up to including being in contact with his ex telling her i was the jealous type and saying the same thing about her to me - he was an extremely manipulative person - all my guy friends were so happy i wasn't with him anymore too - they really bumped up my confidence as sometimes i was blaming myself even though i didn't do anything wrong

* Has it made it difficult for your future relationship?
no - after being up and down and all over the place for 3 years i met another guy - at the start of that relationship i was v suss about what he would be up to but thought if i ever want to be happy i have to open myself back up again - next guy cheated on me too and i realise that its them not me - i have always been very generous and giving and some people take advantage of it - i have zoned in on my instincts though - as soon as guy no 2 started messing around he was gone in heartbeat - my male friends keep saying why they don't understand why the exs would do that to me (don't they know when they're onto a good thing etc) but i guess i just haven't met the one


* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?
I would never have gotten back into a relatinonship with them but have ended up with them afterwards in a drunken haze - that behaviour has stopped - not to sound harsh but i have never cheated on anyone - i would never do to someone else what was done to me - and for me it wasn't just about the fact that they had been with someone else and i was worried about that happening again - i didn't trust them in any aspect - what would the point be? it would always be hanging over me - and i never forget - i would try but i wouldn't be able to let it go and wouldn't be willing to sacrifice my sanity (is he - isn't he am i just being paranoid... and around it goes)

I'm really sorry it happened to you - I hope you can move on and get some closure - but i will say this - if he had any respect he wouldn't have done it - and who wants to be with someone who has no respect for them

kaiser sauze

I think it's great; when you find out you have a decision to make. Do you carry on in the relationship (and continue getting sex) and you also do the dirt (and get EVEN MOAR sex!).

I always take the positives when I find out such things, NEVER the negatives.

Finding out that your partner is cheating on you is a great opportunity, it should be looked upon only that way. Getting pent up about it only lets that asshole's actions ruin YOUR life and it is they that should be ashamed of themselves.

Scarinae

kaiser sauze wrote: »

I think it's great; when you find out you have a decision to make. Do you carry on in the relationship (and continue getting sex) and you also do the dirt (and get EVEN MOAR sex!).

I always take the positives when I find out such things, NEVER the negatives.

Finding out that your partner is cheating on you is a great opportunity, it should be looked upon only that way. Getting pent up about it only lets that asshole's actions ruin YOUR life and it is they that should be ashamed of themselves.

Maybe because some people don't want to cheat? Fair enough if it is what both of you want - which would probably be more correct to call an open relationship rather than mutual cheating - but if you are under the illusion that you are in a monogamous relationship and that illusion is shattered I would hardly call that a great opportunity. It's not just the sex anyway - it's the betrayal of trust, the deception, and the emotional battering that can do far more damage than the fact they've slept with someone else.

kaiser sauze

Fishie wrote: »

Maybe because some people don't want to cheat? Fair enough if it is what both of you want - which would probably be more correct to call an open relationship rather than mutual cheating - but if you are under the illusion that you are in a monogamous relationship and that illusion is shattered I would hardly call that a great opportunity. It's not just the sex anyway - it's the betrayal of trust, the deception, and the emotional battering that can do far more damage than the fact they've slept with someone else.

Oh, no no no no, you misunderstand....

If open relationship it is, you do that from the start and it is clear.

I was talking about being underhanded yourself and get your jollies elsewhere while continuing the charade.

Thats down to the person, of course, but, like I said, you have to view the positives.

Will

HurtGal101 wrote: »

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
* Was the relationship serious?
* How did you get over it?
* Has it made it difficult for your future relationship?
* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?

First girlfriend cheated on me. Was in college and my mate came right out and told me she was off riding her ex. I just broke it off there and then.

Wasn't very serious but wasn't a casual thing either, going out about 5 months.

I just blanked it out, cut everything that reminded me of her out of my life. She's since tried to friend me on facebook numerous times. I ended up blocking her so she can't find me on it.

Each new relationship is a different person and different dynamic. Hasn't impacted on me in relationships majorly. I am somewhat less trusting but that isn't a bad thing generally.

No, never. Once it's over and done with it's over.

JimmyCrackCorn

It hurts.
I took her back. The bit that did my head in was i was later dumped by her. I think for being too nice and some similar daft reason that you get when the wont tell you the exact reason.

I was also dumped by text message once. That hurts.

My love life was/is a comedy at times but make epic stories. Not bitter about anything still trusted my other girlfriends, if anything I matured and grew allot since then. Looking back i wouldnt recognise myself.

vicecreamsundae

* What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
one christmas eve when I was 19 he was acting strange and sad and when I asked what was up he said that he had to tell me something, that two years ago when he had been in another city with a mate, they'd both gotten with girls. he said it was just a kiss... but i still dont think I believe that.

* Was the relationship serious?
very. we had been together four years when he told me. we were best friends. i was absolutely heartbroken.

* How did you get over it?
i told him i was going to go out and kiss someone else, and I did. he didnt seem to care anyway. it kind of worked, i felt much better. and the kiss with someone else didnt feel nice at all, so i figured maybe thats what it was like when he cheated on me, and that it didnt mean he didnt love me, or something like that. but i still resented him for doing it. i didnt really get over it until question five..

* Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?
kind of. i've never known someone so well. i was always paranoid he'd cheated but he denied it so i believed him. now i feel like..well if he cheated on me then ANYONE is capable of cheating on me. but that's life. just because someones great, doesnt mean they'll never cheat on you, you're not psychic. so no, it hasnt made other relationships difficult, just made me look at things more realistically.

* Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?
I did. then about a year and a half later when I was in the US for four months, I cheated on him. I felt really guilty about it and told him, and he ended up forgiving me. I felt guilty but I don't regret it. Then I really knew what it was like to be in his shoes, guilt wise. but I really actually enjoyed kissing someone else. i thought it would be the last time i'd ever kiss anyone other than him. we stayed together for another three years. [eight in total] and then broke up. i knew i wasnt ready to not have first kisses like that again. we're still good friends though.

scillaria

What is the story behind it (how did you find out)?
I was at home for the weekend visiting my family when I got a call from my boyfriend that he really needed to speak to me. He arrived at my home and took me for a drive where he explained what happened. He got very drunk at a house party had a blackout and the next morning found himself in a strangers bed next to a girl.

Was the relationship serious?
Quite serious was going out three years at the time and were in a long distance relationship.

Has it mad it difficult for your future relationship?
Still with the guy but for time to time do get paranoid quite easily when he is out drinking with his mates and I’m not around. My outlook has changed just because he is a good guy doesn’t mean mistakes won’t happen and kow have a habit for expecting something bad to happen.

Would or have you considered taken back the person who cheated?
Nothing is black and white and as he told me that he made a mistake and regrets it. I think that he is a good enough guy to deserve a second chance. Currently engaged to the guy but have stated that can’t marry him for a few years till I’m more trusting of him which will take a few years.