Inappropriate behaviour between friend and BF

LegacyUser

Im quite concious at not giving to much away here but...

Was out on a night out to celebrate my birthday last weekend. Everything was fine, having a good time. We were all sitting around a table and I looked across to wehre my BF was sitting, and my very good friend was sitting on his lap with her arms around him, his arms around her...

Needless to say I was fuming so got up an left to get away from the situation. Sorted it with the BF the next morning, and the friend in question had approached me that night to apologise saying she didnt even think about it, she was crying and upset about something else, and just wanted a hug. I didnt say much, because I wasnt interested in getting into a long discussion about it with her.

The thing is, this friend is extremely flirty and gorgeous, every boy falls for her. She flirts with pretty much everyone. And I hate to admit it, but if it had been any of my other friends, I wouldnt have minded as much. Its because it was her... and my Bf knew I felt this way before the whole thing happened.

I dunno what Im asking really. I was so embarrassed to be sitting there with everyone else, and for this to be going on in front of me. It was humiliating.

I havnt seen the friend since, and I dont know how Im going to react when I do.

What do you all think of the situation?

Beruthiel

so humiliated wrote: »

she didnt even think about it, she was crying and upset about something else, and just wanted a hug.

Ya. Right. And this necessitated her sitting on his knee with her arms around him?
I'm not buying it.

Cheap Thrills!

Whoah!!!

Bang out of order.

Ditch her as she is no friend and full of ****. Attention seeking little cow. Why couldn't she have asked YOU for a hug? No, much better to pr!ck tease your mates BF and then give it the 'poor little me' act afterwards. Urgh. Get rid of her the sly cow.

As for him, b0ll0ck him out of it. The cheek. People of the opposite sex shouldn't be sitting on an attached persons knee. That's a rock solid boundary you don't cross. He knows that. See that he is in no doubt what is and isn't acceptable.

Elle Collins

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

See that he is in no doubt what is and isn't acceptable.

The way I'd see it OP, he already knew what was and wasn't acceptable. He just didn't give a shyte.

Cheeky_gal

OP,

I would have went AWOL.

Ditch the girl ! Shocking behaviour.

Friend my *ss.

LegacyUser

OP here thanks everyone for the comments im glad Im not being crazy thinking this.

This isnt the first time she has done things like this, little things, she does it with every boy she encounters, and as one friend did say, she likes male attention.

My boyfriend followed me out of the room straight away and tried to talk to me, but I just didnt want to hear it. He said he couldnt really do anything she just plonked herself down and was in tears, what was he supposed to do and that it was cmpletely innocent and he has no interest in her.

Alot of my friends who were there said it was innocent but a bit strange and they can see where Im coming from

I tried mentioning it to the bf again today, because I am still upset about it, and he has just shut down and wont talk about it.

I know this makes my BF sound really dodgy and untrustworthy, but he really isn't. My main issue is with her. Shes one of my best friends too. I dunno what to do

seenitall

I can sort of see why people are fuming at your friend, OP, however I prefer to take a long view of things these days (it is maybe the matter of my age, who knows...:().

In short, far from ditching this friend, I would give her that hug she had been longing for and say a heart-felt "Thank you" for alerting me to the utterly unforgivable lack of loyalty in my boyfriend's behaviour. As for him, I would be out of love as soon as it happened (I know that it is supposed to be easy to say this, but for me nothing would act as love-extinguisher more than seeing my beloved willingly getting close to another woman; in this case, it really IS as easy as it sounds!).

The boy would be history for me, not the friend.

In fact, I would make her the litmus-test of all my future relationships; only the guys who come out of the "hot pirck-tease g/f's friend trying to plant herself on his lap" test with flying colours get to progress to the next stage of the relationship!

Best wishes.

LegacyUser

seenitall wrote: »

I can sort of see why people are fuming at your friend, OP, however I prefer to take a long view of things these days (it is maybe the matter of my age, who knows...:().


The boy would be history for me, not the friend.

In fact, I would make her the litmus-test of all my future relationships; only the guys who come out of the "hot pirck-tease g/f's friend trying to plant herself on his lap" test with flying colours get to progress to the next stage of the relationship!

Best wishes.

Im afraid it just isn't that easy for me, We've beent together 5 years, and he has never done anything like this. If anything, I am the one who would be more volatile.

She is jsut a complete flirt. with everyone, literally, everyone.

He's just left the house... I tried to talk to him but he just won't see where Im coming from, all he says is that he couldn't do anything, and that everyone understands that but me (like my friends who were there and saw it).


I posted a reply earlier not sure why it didn't show up, hopefully it will.

Im just lost. You guys are thinking the way Im thinking, but my friends don't seem to think its that big a deal. Ugh I dunno

Dr. Zeus

Hi OP,

Both your bf and this friend were at fault here. It's easy to put the blame firmly at the door of the friend . I think your anger is misdirected because you have issues with this friend, maybe slight jealously!

You Bf is in a relationship with you - he should not have had this girl sitting on his knee and should have told her so.

I am presuming this girl is single so she was not jeporadising her relationship, still does not excuse her behaviour though. She should have respected you and your realtionship more.

If this is what he is like when you are his company, I wonder what he is like when you are not around. Yes by all means cut this girl out of your life but have a good look at your boyfriend too.

Neyite

i dunno if i would be bothered with either of them to be honest - they are both at fault here. Granted shes a flirt, but a polite PFO from him would have sorted her out?

LegacyUser

Your boyfriend humiliated you in front of your friends with a girl he knew you had problems with. You've told him how you feel about her so how did it get to the stage where she was sitting on his knee with her arms around him, AND his arms around her? That can't have happened in one simple step.
The fact that he's trying to dismiss your uncertainty and discomfort about the whole thing is very telling. Relationships aren't all sunshine and roses, this is a rough bit in your relationship, and your boyfriend is practically ignoring your worries and (worse still) implying that you're crazy for even thinking anything?
For that alone I'd cut him loose. He knows the background with this girl, so he should know how much this is upsetting you and not be fobbing you off.

LegacyUser

Dr.Zeus- It's definitely not jealousy with her, it's just out of all my friends, She would be one that I trust slightly less because of the way she acts around boys. I know my other friends would not do something like this.

Also, yes she is single, but was crying about some other boy when all this happened, hence her wanting a hug.

I do see what your saying about my BF, he just can't see it at all. In his eyes he was just trying to be nice to her and couldnt exactly throw a sobbing girl off his lap (what he says)
I do know the way she gets over boys when drunk, literally sobs, so I really want to believe him, but just ... I agree with all of you who say he knew it was wrong..

I've tried saying it to him, but Im being made out to be the crazy person in all this. Making mountains out of mole hills etc

seenitall

so humiliated wrote: »

Im afraid it just isn't that easy for me, We've beent together 5 years, and he has never done anything like this. If anything, I am the one who would be more volatile.

She is jsut a complete flirt. with everyone, literally, everyone.

He's just left the house... I tried to talk to him but he just won't see where Im coming from, all he says is that he couldn't do anything, and that everyone understands that but me (like my friends who were there and saw it).


I posted a reply earlier not sure why it didn't show up, hopefully it will.

Im just lost. You guys are thinking the way Im thinking, but my friends don't seem to think its that big a deal. Ugh I dunno

I hope I am not coming across too harsh, OP, I appreciate you being in a long relationship and my first post was probably somewhat too facetious for your situation.

However, the bit I bolded here is really worrying as it is a very disrespectful way to treat this issue and yourself (aside from being BS, "he couldn't do anything" - what, he has no arms or legs or voice? or he only has them when it comes to cuddling with your hot friend?).

Like someone else posted already, this guy just doesn't give a siht.

I just think that, once you have been disrespected and humiliated like this in front of your friends, it sets an ugly precedent, and it can only go downhill from here. Stay with him if you must, but it doesn't look like any good news are on the horizon. On the contrary.

ted1

I don't see what the problem is.

so a friend was sitting on his lap in fornt of you and they were talking, arms around her to stop her falling off his lap, music loud so they had to be there.

how old are you? do you not trust him? what exactly is the issue?

seenitall

ted1 wrote: »

I don't see what the problem is.

so a friend was sitting on his lap in fornt of you and they were talking, arms around her to stop her falling off his lap, music loud so they had to be there.

how old are you? do you not trust him? what exactly is the issue?

Would you see a problem with your g/f sitting on your friend's lap, with "music being loud" and them holding each other?

If you wouldn't, good for you. Except I don't believe you.

Elle Collins

seenitall wrote: »

Would you see a problem with your g/f sitting on your friend's lap, with "music being loud" and them holding each other?

If you wouldn't, good for you. Except I don't believe you.

Neither do I.

Dr. Zeus

Sounds like your boyfriend is being very immature about the whole thing. he didn't respect your feelings on the night in question and he's not respecting them now. It's almost like you are feeling guilty now for making a big deal. I see that as controlling and manipulative on his part.

There are lots of ways to handle a situation like that. He could have sat down beside her, given her a hug, got her a drink of water whatever. He obviously got an ego boost from this hot girl sitting on his lap, simple as.

Maybe it would be more honest of him to admit that instead of the pathetic excuses. It sounds like quite a simple story on the face of it but there are subtle boundaries that you don't cross. think this may have been one of those times.

If you did the same thing with a friend of his how would he react?

Wibbs

Beruthiel wrote: »

Ya. Right. And this necessitated her sitting on his knee with her arms around him?
I'm not buying it.

I agree. Next I'd be asking what was actually going on? I mean in the sense of intent in either party. Your boyfriend. Was he a few ales in? No excuse, but makes random daftness more likely. Your friend? Was she tanked up? Again no excuse but.. Speaking as a bloke we can be daft buggers at times when some woman starts with the flirting. It's the ego boost as much as anything. If he was trying to carry on with her, unless he is dimmer than a lo energy lightbulb it's unlikely to be carried on in plain sight. IMHO Your mate was for some reason trying to score points. For what reason, who knows? I've had a couple of similar things with exes mates in the past. The "oh I could have your guy" kinda thing. Again an ego boost.

Now it may also be not "Oh I can have your guy", it may be just "I need an ego boost and touchy feely support and I'm not thinking about any external consequences at the moment" and him "pretty woman on my lap. Nice ego boost and Im not thinking of any external consequences at the moment". Basically a brainfart in both cases.

Majorly irritating and indeed upsetting for you who has to deal with it, but I'd be wary of flipping out too much over it. I'd let him know he was being a daft bugger alright, but if he's not one for this sort of thing I'd try to move beyond it TBH. We all have cockups in our lives so would chalk it down to that if it's a one off. Your mate? Well if she's all flirty like as a default position with loads of blokes, I'd suggest similar though from the other side. She seems to need this ego guff, so let her do her own thing, but I would make sure she knew that this stuff doesnt fly with you and that she should have some consideration if she wants to continue the friendship.

Seenitall wrote:

Would you see a problem with your g/f sitting on your friend's lap, with "music being loud" and them holding each other?

If you wouldn't, good for you. Except I don't believe you.

Well I would have a problem with it, but if it was in isolation and I never had any reason to doubt her fidelity before, I'd chalk it up to momentary daftness. They'd both know of my displeasure, but quietly. I would not see it as a "sacking offence" in a serious otherwise bang on long term relationship. IMHO if I did on just the basis of that I'd feel I was cutting off my nose to spite my face and an over emotional reaction on my part.

My 3 cents anyway.

LegacyUser

Dr. Zeus wrote: »

Sounds like your boyfriend is being very immature about the whole thing. he didn't respect your feelings on the night in question and he's not respecting them now. It's almost like you are feeling guilty now for making a big deal. I see that as controlling and manipulative on his part.

T

If you did the same thing with a friend of his how would he react?

This is exactly what I asked him, and he didn't have much to say, I know he would be raging if I did this to him.

I do feel bad, because we did pretty much sort things out yesterday, but Its been on my mind and I realise now that Im not happy with it. He just keeps saying I should be mad at her, not at him.
I feel so betrayed and don't know what to think. He has never done anything like this before and has always been a fantastic boyfriend, even my friends would agree.

Taltos

This is gonna sound dumb.

Don't feel bad about feeling bad.
You sorted it out intellectually yesterday - but you still need to work through it emotionally. Just give it some time - and for the moment chalk his one silly act as being well and truly paid.

Yer wan though... Like some of the others would be wary around her again - am sure she knew right well what she was doing when she plonked her ass on his lap.

Don't beat yourself up over this - seems like you just behaved like 99% of the rest of us...

thefeatheredcat

so humiliated wrote: »

I looked across to wehre my BF was sitting, and my very good friend was sitting on his lap with her arms around him, his arms around her...

OP,

I know how humiliating this feels, caught one of my first boyfriends kissing someone else right in front of me and his mates on a night out.

The fact that it happened on a night out to celebrate your Birthday is awful....and this girl, talk about stealing your thunder! I suspect she has little guilt for the situation that this has all caused, how you have been hurt. I suspect too that this girl was not just looking for comfort at all - in fact she has gotten what she's wanted, attention and causing a rift between yourself and your boyfriend. how good friends was she with your boyfriend? She may have just been feeling low in herself with you getting all the attention however, looking for comfort from your boyfriend was totally out of order, even if they had been close friends.

Your boyfriend sounds like he was used in this situation by her and probably innocent in the whole thing; he may genuinely not have known what to do. In hindsight he knows he probably should have done more to remove her. Give him the benefit of the doubt and put your faith and trust in him, let this blow over between you and enjoy making up.

as for you friend, make it clear to her that you are very upset by this. I doubt very much she would have liked it if on her Birthday night out you cuddled up to her boyfriend/guy she liked over being upset by your boyfriend or another guy. Try and resolve things between you and ask her what she was upset about and I would only say that in the case of a long-standing long term friendship.

If you feel unhappy with things about her or you feel that she isn't the good valuable friend you think she is, or feel that you cannot trust her after this, and are now as a result of her actions, feeling a bit insecure in yourself, or feel indeed that she is not treating you as respectfully and to the standard that you would treat her and others, then it may be time to call it quits on the friendship.

In the end, do not let this cause doubt between yourself and your boyfriend. Learn from this experience - you were hurt and nobody would think less of you for being so.


EDIT:

so humiliated wrote: »

but my friends don't seem to think its that big a deal

Just on this.... you've mentioned a few times in your posts that this 'friend' is very flirty.... I don't mean this horribly, but this reminds me of someone I met briefly who had a reputation of being a town bicycle in her home town, always very, very flirty with any man, single or attached and often caused conflicts between couples. I didn't know her personally but she was sort of friends with a girl I was friend with in college and well, I heard some rather sad stuff about her, like any new man that came into the local pub she would be all over, that kind of thing. I think that if your friend is a big flirt with fellas, that's most likely why your friends don't think it's a big deal, because sitting on a man lap looking for comfort may not be something unusual? I may be totally out of line saying that.... It does bother me that your friends don't think it's a big deal, as if this behaviour is normal and acceptable? It isn't, unless one is prone to carrying on like this all the time. I'm guessing your friends are single and haven't had this happen to them? TBH despite the fact she was 'upset' I'm baffled that your friends aren't up in arms about this incident - it was very inappropriate behaviour and inconsiderate of her- that could have led to you and your boyfriend splitting up, they seem quite unsupportive to me especially when this happened on a night to celebrate your birthday.

seenitall

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

OP,

I know how humiliating this feels, caught one of my first boyfriends kissing someone else right in front of me and his mates on a night out.

The fact that it happened on a night out to celebrate your Birthday is awful....and this girl, talk about stealing your thunder! I suspect she has little guilt for the situation that this has all caused, how you have been hurt. I suspect too that this girl was not just looking for comfort at all - in fact she has gotten what she's wanted, attention and causing a rift between yourself and your boyfriend. how good friends was she with your boyfriend? She may have just been feeling low in herself with you getting all the attention however, looking for comfort from your boyfriend was totally out of order, even if they had been close friends.

Your boyfriend sounds like he was used in this situation by her and probably innocent in the whole thing; he may genuinely not have known what to do. In hindsight he knows he probably should have done more to remove her. Give him the benefit of the doubt and put your faith and trust in him, let this blow over between you and enjoy making up.

as for you friend, make it clear to her that you are very upset by this. I doubt very much she would have liked it if on her Birthday night out you cuddled up to her boyfriend/guy she liked over being upset by your boyfriend or another guy. Try and resolve things between you and ask her what she was upset about and I would only say that in the case of a long-standing long term friendship.

If you feel unhappy with things about her or you feel that she isn't the good valuable friend you think she is, or feel that you cannot trust her after this, and are now as a result of her actions, feeling a bit insecure in yourself, or feel indeed that she is not treating you as respectfully and to the standard that you would treat her and others, then it may be time to call it quits on the friendship.
In the end, do not let this cause doubt between yourself and your boyfriend. Learn from this experience - you were hurt and nobody would think less of you for being so.

This post just leaves me dumbfounded :eek: - I guess it's my day of shocks on PI threads!

OP, I really hope that you at least have better sense than to think that your poor innocent boyfriend was used... the mind boggles.

If you are going to stay with the "innocent" lamb, the least you can do for yourself is to have your eyes wide open to the implications of this incident, so that any further indiscretions or humiliations at least don't catch you unawares any more. The type of guy who is capable of being "used" by a hot girl as an armchair in front of your very eyes, and then blatantly denying all responsibility, won't stop there; why would he?

This guy is bad news. This thread is making me angry. :mad:

spinandscribble

I dunno I might be unpopular for saying this but she could have caught your bf off guard. honestly, a girl jumps into your lap crying? Are you honestly expecting him to throw her to the ground? Shes crying, asking for a hug, he instantly thinks **** shes my gfs friend better give in, puts arms out then she hops on his lap. shock sets in, **** the gfs going to kill me.
Don't get me wrong it must have been horrible to witness and I'd be right pissed off at her but what did his face tell you? All i hope is he didn't look like the cat with the cream. He should understand that isn't something you'd like to witness and make sure he doesn't get in the situation again.

I've experienced a overly flirty girl make suspicious moves on my bf, sometimes you just have to gauge the bfs reaction and the girls general actions, then forget about it if it doesn't repeat. Now she's a flirty girl but that does NOT give her the right to put herself in his lap. Personally I think flirty people who overstep the mark by touching peoples bfs/gfs without permission are the worse kind of "friends".

Why didn't she go to a friend of her's for comfort? why did she pick YOUR boyfriend? She sounds like a attention seeker who didn't get lucky with the guy that upset her so wanted to show her worth by hopping on the birthday girls guy.

If they were up to something dodgy would they really be sitting their in your full view? Most importantly did she actually look upset...?

thefeatheredcat

seenitall wrote: »

This post just leaves me dumbfounded :eek: - I guess it's my day of shocks on PI threads!

OP, I really hope that you at least have better sense than to think that your poor innocent boyfriend was used... the mind boggles.

If you are going to stay with the "innocent" lamb, the least you can do for yourself is to have your eyes wide open to the implications of this incident, so that any further indiscretions or humiliations at least don't catch you unawares any more. The type of guy who is capable of being "used" by a hot girl as an armchair in front of your very eyes, and then blatantly denying all responsibility, won't stop there; why would he?

This guy is bad news. This thread is making me angry. :mad:

Seenitall - I think you need to meet more very flirty women who have low self esteem who know no boundaries and throw themselves at whatever guy is around regardless of relationship status.

I've seen it for myself and I know what you mean, I would normally say ditch both of them. However, an experience I had with a girl as mentioned in my edit who was known as the town bicycle and incredibly flirty person - visited for a weekend with a girl I was friends with and went off and slept with a guy I really liked despite the fact that he and I were very much in like with eachother although not official, could have ended up in a relationship....and my friend knew about it, but the girl didn't, although it was obvious. The act spoke volumes for both of them, was well rid of bad news.

However I have seen girls like this try it on attached guys while utterly drunk/upset for the men to be met with embarrassment and not knowing what to do. I don't applaud the OP's boyfriend at all or agree with having the arms around the 'friend' but I think that the 'friend' knew quite well what she was doing, and any good friend would know that sitting on a friend's boyfriend's lap regardless of your own emotional state is damn out of order. As for the boyfriend - maybe not totally innocent, but perhaps could have mistaken her to be the OP (especially after a few drinks) but as the OP and he have been together 5 years and nothing has happened like this before, I feel strongly that the 'friend' is to blame for what happened. Any loyal friend would know better, especially with the occasion on hand. What the 'friend' has done is completely inconsiderate of the OP and shows no care, consideration or loyalty to the OP whatsoever. Doesn't matter if she was upset, or off her head who does she think she is to be sitting on her friend's boyfriend's lap in the first place?

EDIT:

In the end OP, your 'friend' turned a night that was supposed to be about you and turned into a drama for her.... had this not happened, you would have had a wonderful night and felt loved by your friends and your boyfriend and shared some love with your boyfriend. Instead she was inconsiderate and put her own emotional drama ahead of your celebration. If she was that upset she should have had the decency to look for support from her friends quietly or taken you aside and talk to you and not seek physical comfort from your boyfriend in plain sight and humiliate you and causing a drama that was about her. Instead of looking back in time at that night feeling happy she's taken that away from you.

LegacyUser

OP here thanks a mil for the replies. Ill try answer most of them!

Wibbs- you make a good point, I was very very angry after it happened, and I certainly made it clear to both of them. I dont want to jump the gun and just break up with him, he has never acted like this before, like I said, I would have been the one in the relationship who was more likely to do something like that if you get me, not that I would! But you definitely would never think of him as the type to do it!


There was alot of drink involved, which also fuels my friend's crying. I cant remember the last time we were out where she hasnt been crying about some boy. So its not really suprising behaviour in that sense. I think she does enjoy the boost from male attention.



Taltos-Thanks a million for your kind words, I really hadn't sorted it out in my head. We were rushing off to another birthday dinner so I didn't get a chance to really think it through. I always have been wary of her, I know it sounds awful, but I honestly wouldn't have minded as much if it had been any other friend. I have never been a possessive GF.



The feathered cat- I think my friends have basically just accepted that she was upset and it was completely innocent. She was in floods after I stormed off, whereas I was on the dancefloor trying to just put it out of my mind. So I can see why they would say "ah sure it was nothing, she didnt realise what she was doing, shes really sorry about it".



spinandscribble- I couldnt see his face, her head was blocking it!! and to be honest I didnt look for very long, the minute I saw I looked away and left, I was so angry. She said to me that "she sees him as one of the girls" so didnt think twice about what she was doing basically..



Seen it all- I dont think he is totally innocent at all, We're not speaking at the moment as a result >:(



He's making me feel like I should apologise for freaking out, but I really dont think I should! The more I dwell on it all, the more upset I get an the more rational I feel for not just letting it go.

(sorry for such a long post!! )

seenitall

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

Seenitall - I think you need to meet more very flirty women who have low self esteem who know no boundaries and throw themselves at whatever guy is around regardless of relationship status.

Oh no, I really don't think I do!

tinkerbell

OP - ditch the friend, she sounds like a right tramp / attention-seeker and I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

As for your boyfriend - it could very easily have been that he got freaked out when a crying blubbing mess of a girl (who is one of your best friends) throws herself on his lap and demands a hug and he's like "oh god, girlfriend's friend is really upset, I better give her a hug", or whatever. And he panics and doesn't know what to do. However, I do think he was wrong - he knows this girl has a reputation for being a town bike and that you are wary of her. So sit down, talk about it and tell him that it upsets you and if it happens again, that he just pushes her away, and he knows for future incidents.

Distorted

I don't think you need this girl as a friend. I know of one girl who sounds the same type (fortunately they are rare as most girls have more self respect) and she is also very flirty, has slept with so many blokes in our social circle and never has a stable long term relationship. Which is fine but not when you catch her texting your boyfriend. My boyfriend showed me the text, we laughed about it and he didn't reply. Next she texted him again to ask if he could give her a lift anywhere. He felt trapped into saying yes, I disagreed and we ended up having a row which I won in that he didn't give her the lift. A couple of years later the same thing happened again - a text asking my bf out to a club. I texted her back to tell her that her behaviour was unacceptable and you wouldn't believe the twisted nonsense I got from her. She still tries to speak to me - we were all at a wedding the other night, her on her own, and she very obviously asked my boyfriend to dance in front of me. Hoping to provoke a reaction. I ignored her, he reluctantly danced and then scooted back to me straight afterwards. She's pathetic.

Believe me, I know the type. Drop her as a friend, hold her at arm's length. Give your bf a row but another chance, and if he ever does it again, dump him.

LegacyUser

Cool the jets! You've made your feelings known to both parties, telling them it was unacceptable. Leave it there, or you may be playing right into your "friend"'s hands- ie: by causing a rift between you and your bf, or appearing unreasonable/nagging. Let it go for the time being, forgive- but don't forget.

up for anything

No wonder he doesn't want to talk about it. What was he supposed to do? Stand up and tip her off his lap. Let her sit there and fall off if she was unstable with drink. Start screaming, "Help me, help me, so humiliated." Doing any of those things would have made him look bad in everyone's eyes and probably yours too. There would have lots of recriminations about why did he have to be so rough, unfeeling, mean etc to a girl who was obviously upset and crying.

Why are you so suspicious of his motives? Has he ever given you reason to doubt him?

spinandscribble

This friend might and i say MIGHT be dense enough to do this but i don't buy it. I just dont see why she needed your bf to comfort her when all her friends were there and it was your birthday. Is she close to him in general, before would you even think of him as someone she'd go to? Was everyone else busy?

If this girls a drama lama and your friends are well aware of it they probably are just putting it down as one of her little episodes and dont want conflict between your group. The problem now as I see it is appearing to accept this behaviour and by doing so, encourage it. This friend needs to learn boundaries or hold back on the drink (both really). I'd meet her when shes calm and explain others might accept it but you won't in the future and if theres another scene like that again with your bf you'll not be able to forgive.

Wibbs

so humiliated wrote: »

Wibbs- you make a good point, I was very very angry after it happened, and I certainly made it clear to both of them. I dont want to jump the gun and just break up with him, he has never acted like this before, like I said, I would have been the one in the relationship who was more likely to do something like that if you get me, not that I would! But you definitely would never think of him as the type to do it!

Your anger is completely natural, but like you say, he's never acted like this before and as the saying goes one swallow does not a summer make. I'd add neither does one cloud make a winter. That's if and it's a big if, if he responded to her advances. This guy who has never given you any indication or suspicion in the past, tells you immediately afterwards that it she just plonked herself down and he's not interested in her. Me? I'd be taking his word. On the basis of drink taken/brainfart and her previous actions that have shown her the more likely culprit in all this. I certainly wouldn't be "hugging and thanking her, for showing your boyfriend in his true colours" or any of that. In my humble that would be a serious over reaction borne on the back of projection and a slanted worldview. Meh I suppose if you see the world in black and white, you're never gonna see it in colour. Not a great way to live.

There was alot of drink involved, which also fuels my friend's crying. I cant remember the last time we were out where she hasnt been crying about some boy. So its not really suprising behaviour in that sense. I think she does enjoy the boost from male attention.

Again she seems to have previous and your boyfriend by your account doesnt.

Seen it all- I dont think he is totally innocent at all, We're not speaking at the moment as a result >:(



He's making me feel like I should apologise for freaking out, but I really dont think I should! The more I dwell on it all, the more upset I get an the more rational I feel for not just letting it go.

I get that, I really do, but lets have a little thought experiment and put yourself in his shoes for a second. Lets imagine one of his mates, a notorious manwhore, plops down beside you and puts his drunken arms around you, just as your boyfriend looks over. You're 100% not interested in this gimp, but are mindful he's a mate of your BF's and you dont wanna cause a scene at the gathering. OK? Now imagine you trying to explain to an irate boyfriend who refuses to believe nothing is going on. Who keeps pushing you for an answer but doesn't want to accept the answer you're giving. How would you feel in his shoes? Ah but I hear some say, "what if he's not innocent?". Well that's where trust and more, good sense comes into it. In trusts case? Trust is predicated in a lot of ways on faith and the acceptance that deep down it might be broken, but living your life expecting it to be is daft. Good sense? On previous behaviour and evidence he's not given you any reason to mistrust him. Has he not earned the benefit of the doubt over a "friend" that has previous of being emotionally and flirtationally incontinent?

OK forget all that if you will. Ask yourself this question. What is the answer you expect to hear from him? And I'll put money deep down there is one. If you're looking for a deeply sorrowful apology what form would this take? If you're looking for the truth, which form would that take? "Oh yea I fancy her, cos you know all the boys fall for her so..", or "she plonked down on me and was all teary so I thought WTF? but nothing happened and I wouldnt ride her into battle". In other words what could he say to put your mind at rest? answer that for yourself truthfully and you'll get a better handle on what this is all about at this stage. If there's no answer, then IMHO you're running on anger, confusion and sorrow regardless of what the actual truth is. So a time out is probably your best bet. Put another way, are you willing to risk an otherwise good relationship over how you feel at the moment, regardless of what may have happened? Upset and rational rarely make good bedfellows.

My 3 cents anyway.

littlefriend

You've said your piece to both of them so I think you should drop it rather than carrying it on any more. If something was actually going on they'd hardly be doing that at the table where you were sitting.


I think you have [understandably] over reacted and a lot of the replies here have been over the top. Maybe I'm missing something? Your drunk friend sat on your boyfriends knee when she was crying? TBH its not the most outrageous thing I have ever heard, particularly as she carries on like that all the time.

Rise above it and her - you are putting doubts in your relationship over a drunken non event. Save your arguments for when you need them.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't call them close, they only know eachother through me and would only see wachother at parties or nights out when Im there.

I actually started this thread more mad at my friend then at him. Then after the first few initial comments, I started to think a bit more about my BF and his role in it. I did and still do accept that he couldnt do anything about it. He couldnt just push her off. I don't think he fancies her, I honestly don't. I guess my problem really does lie with her, and I just don't trust her at all. Because my BF knew this, I guess I expected more from him you know?

I don't know what i'll say to my friend when I see her, she's a very hard person to confront as she tends to twist things and is very good at talking herself out of situations.


Wibbs- I guess what I want from him is to realise why Im still a bit upset about it. He doesn't get it at all, he says he is sorry but basically that he has nothing to be sorry about becuase he didn't do anything. We're going around in circles! Im definitely not prepared to throw it away, I know that much. I am angry and upset and confused, you're right. I guess I just wont forget it as easily as he has.


Also just to clarify, he was holding on to her becuase they were hugging, not because she was falling off his lap. I do know what she is like when she cries while drunk, like she literally can't speak because she is sobbing so much, so I do understand that he couldn't have just pushed her off.

LegacyUser

Oh also I don't think they have any feelings for eachother. But it still doesn't make me feel any better by her blatantly sitting on him right in front of me. She just completely crossed the line, regardless of how she feels about him.

I suppose I can't view it as totally innocent becuase she is such a flirt. I dont know if that makes sense, all I know is that I really don't think any of my other friends would do that. It bothers me that it was her. Ugh my brain is fried Im not making any sense

up for anything

so humiliated wrote: »

I don't know what i'll say to my friend when I see her, she's a very hard person to confront as she tends to twist things and is very good at talking herself out of situations.

Decide what you want to say to her and then say what you want to say and don't let her interrupt you. If she tries, cut her short and say would you mind waiting till I finish. When you do finish tell her that it is not up for discussion as you feel that she will only twist what you say and talk herself out of it. Nothing more than the truth as you see it. No argument, no discussion, no allowing her to speak. It might be slightly unfair but her behaviour hasn't been exactly conducive to fairness.

thefeatheredcat

so humiliated wrote: »

The feathered cat- I think my friends have basically just accepted that she was upset and it was completely innocent. She was in floods after I stormed off, whereas I was on the dancefloor trying to just put it out of my mind. So I can see why they would say "ah sure it was nothing, she didnt realise what she was doing, shes really sorry about it".

I just don't get it. If this had been another rather flirty random drunk girl that wasn't your friend but a friend of a friend who was upset with herself over a fella, would you be ok that she plonked herself on your boyfriend's lap, crying and consoling herself in his arms? And you'd just accept that your friends brush it off, saying, ah hun she's just had a few too many drinks....doesn't know what she's doing....

I don't understand why your friends are so keen to brush this off except to not upset things in the group - I find it truly puzzling that an emotionally upset girl who looks for comfort in another friend's boyfriend is to be tolerated and brushed off as merely nothing. Fair enough she was upset and drunk, but that doesn't excuse her behaviour and tbh I think you're being fobbed off by your friends or didn't want fight to happen to spoil the night. It's almost like she's the one this happened to and not you.
If ye had all been sober and she had done this while upset, would they still think it was all innocent?

so humiliated wrote: »

I don't know what i'll say to my friend when I see her, she's a very hard person to confront as she tends to twist things and is very good at talking herself out of situations.

Stick to the facts but hear her out. If she twists things around, confront her on it straight away, call her on it. Keep to the truth and don't bring up any personal issues outside of this. Don't get into bringing up other things that you're unhappy with regarding her. Keep things on track to this situation. If she veers off from this situation, control it and bring it back to this situation. Stay cool and calm. And do it at a time when you're clear in what you want to say and not feeling anyway emotionally charged so that you don't end up saying things in the heat of the moment that you don't mean.

I've learned the hard way that people who twist things around will just make themselves out to be a victim/guilt trip to be seen in a good light or twist things so much you'll just accept whatever they say and stay friends, out of frustration, pity and sympathy.

Darthhoob

spinandscribble wrote: »

I dunno I might be unpopular for saying this but she could have caught your bf off guard. honestly, a girl jumps into your lap crying? Are you honestly expecting him to throw her to the ground? Shes crying, asking for a hug, he instantly thinks **** shes my gfs friend better give in, puts arms out then she hops on his lap. shock sets in, **** the gfs going to kill me.
Don't get me wrong it must have been horrible to witness and I'd be right pissed off at her but what did his face tell you? All i hope is he didn't look like the cat with the cream. He should understand that isn't something you'd like to witness and make sure he doesn't get in the situation again.

I've experienced a overly flirty girl make suspicious moves on my bf, sometimes you just have to gauge the bfs reaction and the girls general actions, then forget about it if it doesn't repeat. Now she's a flirty girl but that does NOT give her the right to put herself in his lap. Personally I think flirty people who overstep the mark by touching peoples bfs/gfs without permission are the worse kind of "friends".

Why didn't she go to a friend of her's for comfort? why did she pick YOUR boyfriend? She sounds like a attention seeker who didn't get lucky with the guy that upset her so wanted to show her worth by hopping on the birthday girls guy.

If they were up to something dodgy would they really be sitting their in your full view? Most importantly did she actually look upset...?

have to say i agree i've seen girls do this kinda thing with bloke i KNOW have NO interest in them in that way.

he may not be being manipulative, he may simply not know what the issue is as to him it might not have been anything to worry about as much as you are, he could just be a bit 'miffed'.

thats not to say he IS a victim, but i reckon your friend chose him as one...as well as you

spinandscribble

I don't think you should be angry at your bf anymore, he said sorry that he upset you but he won't say sorry for what he did/didn't do and I think thats fair enough.

He couldn't fling your drama lama friend to the ground because a) shes your friend b) he was probably in shock c)he didn't want to cause a scene d)he's probably a decent guy and couldn't be cruel to a crying girl.

he's probably embarrassed about what happened as well and tbh it seems like the normal night with drink for your friend, it was a matter of time before you'd directly be affected by her self centeredness.

Try not to be mad with him, you need to put yourself in his shoes for a moment. He didn't really have a choice by the sounds of it and while he's not a victim of your friends drama he's for sure a innocent bystander. Of course if it happens again or something similar you'll have to revisit the issue but until then try to forget it.

LegacyUser

OP, I really feel that your bf is not at fault. If I were him, I'd have been freaked out by the situation and would've frozen. I can completely understand why you would be more than a little freaked, but I would blame that on your 'friend' rather than him. I would drop her as soon as possible - life is too short to be putting up with people like that! At best she is a drama queen. Does she get upset cos guys don't treat her like a 'princess' by any chance?!

Taltos

OP

you just need to step back for a while.
Way too much has just happened and as you said your head is melted trying to sort it all out.

Ideally you need to try to separate the facts from your emotions and from your assumptions.

Fact
1. Your BF has never cheated on you.
2. Your friend IS a flirt
3. Your friend IS an attention seeker
4. Your friend regularly ends the night crying about some fella
5. Your friend regularly drinks too much

(seeing a pattern here?)

Emotions
1. You are feeling hurt, angry, let down, anxious, jealous, freaked, tired, basically in a spin

Assumptions
1. Your BF somehow "invited" this girl to seat herself and wrap her arms around him.
2. Your BF enjoyed this so so much (having been in a similar position yrs ago I was personally in shock and didn''t know what the crap was going on.... - difference was my GF ribbed me rotten afterwards and we were more wary around that "friend"..)


At the end of the day - no-one can tell you how to feel.
Your BF can do his best to reassure you that it really was nothing - but only you can choose to believe him. Let's face it though - if he really was the cheating sort - is he that stupid to do that in front of you?

Suggest you try to sit down with him again and just talk to each other.
a) Set the ground rules.
>> You each share how you felt, the other listens and no-one and I mean no-one interrupts or disputes what you are saying when you say it...
>> You each commit to listen and hear what the other is saying - whether you agree with it or not...
b) You start off explaining how you felt at the time.
c) He then shares how he felt by your displayed lack of trust in him.

Having been placed in this situation by a friend of my OH I can see it from both sides, and for you both to work as a couple I feel you both need to be able to see this and other issues from the other side too - now whether you agree with that viewpoint or not is not important - what is important is validating what your partner is feeling.

You really both can work thru this - and if done properly this will make you a stronger couple.
However - your friend - whatever her story is - she is not really a friend - she is an attention seeking leech - and really should be pitied as she will never have what you both have and will have once you work through this... Just be careful of her in the future...

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

I've learned the hard way that people who twist things around will just make themselves out to be a victim/guilt trip to be seen in a good light or twist things so much you'll just accept whatever they say and stay friends, out of frustration, pity and sympathy.

This is her down to a tee. Always makes it about her and starts crying.
My friends dont want to get involved I presume becuase they feel the same as I do, she's not a person you want to fight with. I guess they are just trying ot stay out of it and not take sides, I do understand that. Also I dont think they realise that Im still not ok with it all, because I 'sorted' things with her that night. I just wasn't up for discussing the whole thing at that stage you know?

Im seeing her now today. Really am dreading it. I don't want to come across as this jealous GF because I really am not that person. I dont want my friends thinking "oh god we better be careful what we do around her BF now"

Its going to be tough to bring it up, because she thinks its all fine. Literally on the night it happened, she apologised etc etc said she saw him as one of the girls, was just upset. Literally all I said was yeah its grand. I couldn't even look at her! I suppose I shot myself in the foot I should have had it out with her there and then, but was just trying to enjoy the rest of the night.

LegacyUser

Thanks Taltos. I think you hit the nail on the head there. I am just in a bit of a tizzy I guess. I have an exam in the morning and am trying to study for it now but can't help but think about having to see this friend later!

I don't think Im really ready to see her yet. I don't want to discuss it tbh. Now I sound like the drama queen!

But you are right I do need to just sit down with BF and talk through it. We were texting last night but it didn't get us very far. It just came bac to the same thing. I have said to him that I think she is more at fault and that I don't want to end things etc etc and that I know he didn't really have a choice in what happened... but he just doesn't want to listen he keeps putting words in my mouth! Saying I think he fancies her and did it on purpose. Which I don't think at all. Like seriously we're just going in circles!

I defo do need to step back a bit and maybe just leave it for a day or two and just not think about it because constantly analysing it isn't getting me anywhere! It's just making things with me and the BF worse

Taltos

so humiliated wrote: »

Thanks Taltos. I think you hit the nail on the head there. I am just in a bit of a tizzy I guess. I have an exam in the morning and am trying to study for it now but can't help but think about having to see this friend later!

I don't think Im really ready to see her yet. I don't want to discuss it tbh. Now I sound like the drama queen!

But you are right I do need to just sit down with BF and talk through it. We were texting last night but it didn't get us very far. It just came bac to the same thing. I have said to him that I think she is more at fault and that I don't want to end things etc etc and that I know he didn't really have a choice in what happened... but he just doesn't want to listen he keeps putting words in my mouth! Saying I think he fancies her and did it on purpose. Which I don't think at all. Like seriously we're just going in circles!

I defo do need to step back a bit and maybe just leave it for a day or two and just not think about it because constantly analysing it isn't getting me anywhere! It's just making things with me and the BF worse

Do - just focus on getting thru the exam.
Make whatever excuses you can - and avoid your "friend" until after the exam.
With the stress of the exam all of this is heightened - so do take time to work thru it later.
Avoid - "conversations" with your BF by text / email / phone - just talk face to face - and do try to follow the tips above. Seriously you can work thru this and it will make you stronger. Don't focus on the problem now - just imagine where you want to be - happy with your BF.
Let him know you care for him and you will chat after your exam - but get that out of the way first - way way too much going on to really make useful progress here...

enda1

OP you are WAY over the top and acting like a child.
If you trust your boyfriend, then you should apologise to him, for he did nothing wrong.

Also your friend did nothing wrong.

If they wanted to get together, do you really think they'd do it at your birthday party, right across from you?

LegacyUser

enda1 wrote: »

OP you are WAY over the top and acting like a child.
If you trust your boyfriend, then you should apologise to him, for he did nothing wrong.

Also your friend did nothing wrong.

If they wanted to get together, do you really think they'd do it at your birthday party, right across from you?

Its not a case of me thinking it was going anywhere, I've made it clear that I don't think it has anything to do with them liking eachother. I know they don't.

Its the fact that she showed no respect for me and BF's relationship whatsoever. There is a line and she crossed it. You just don't do that. I would never dream of doing that to one of my friends boyfriends, no matter how innocent. Its just not appropriate.

Unregistered39

enda1 wrote: »

OP you are WAY over the top and acting like a child.
If you trust your boyfriend, then you should apologise to him, for he did nothing wrong.

Also your friend did nothing wrong.

If they wanted to get together, do you really think they'd do it at your birthday party, right across from you?

I have to agree wholeheartedly with Enda1 here. You are beginning to rival this girl in the drama queen stakes. Let it go! I can't believe you're letting it affect your exams and thinking you 'don't want to end it'? What the hell? Unless you back off on this the choice of ending it could be very much out of your hands. If I was your boyfriend I would be incredibly ticked off with you.

I'm guessing you're all quite young. Honestly, a huge part of making relationships succeed is knowing when to let something go. And have a bit of perspective.

Wagon

Can't blame you for being angry. But I ain't going to blame your boyfriend here. If I was in his situation, I'd be the same. What's the alternative? Tell your crying, upset friend to piss off? Then she'd be going on about how he treated her like **** when all she needed was cheering up from a friend etc...

A few years ago, i was out for an ex's birthday. We were together at the time. One of her mates who i never met before was there. We got along well, making **** jokes and generally having a laugh. She was a smoker as well, so we popped out for a smoke and after we finished, she told me she was sexy and walked off. I just ignored and put it down the the booze. Later, we were all in a club and i couldn't find my ex anywhere so buzzed out for a quick smoke. Her mate was out too. She tried to kiss me, i stopped her and told her nicely that I was very flattered but I wasn't interested and loved my girlfriend. She was very embarrassed and started apologising. I told her it was okay, was probably the booze and that i wasn't going to make a big deal about it but i certainly wasn't interested. So the bítch ran into my girlfriend and told her that she just scored me and was really sorry. relationship died a few weeks later and even today, i think my ex still doesn't believe me and thinks i cheated on her that night.

Get rid of your "mate". Attention seeking crap like what she pulled isn't exactly going to make a good friend.

enda1

so humiliated wrote: »

Its not a case of me thinking it was going anywhere, I've made it clear that I don't think it has anything to do with them liking eachother. I know they don't.

Its the fact that she showed no respect for me and BF's relationship whatsoever. There is a line and she crossed it. You just don't do that. I would never dream of doing that to one of my friends boyfriends, no matter how innocent. Its just not appropriate.

How is it not appropriate?

You must be very insecure to believe a hug is inappropriate.

LegacyUser

enda1 wrote: »

How is it not appropriate?

You must be very insecure to believe a hug is inappropriate.

She was sitting on his lap. Like I've said before, Im not the jealous type, I know people who are alot more possessive then I would be over their partners. But Im sorry, if thinking she shouldnt be sitting on my BF's lap is insecure, then fine.

I don't believe I am.

Distorted

enda1 wrote: »

How is it not appropriate?

You must be very insecure to believe a hug is inappropriate.

I don't think it was the hug that was inappropriate, it was the sitting on the lap while recieving the hug!

I think low tolerance of people who are constantly upset and overly emotional and needy is quite a normal reaction actually. Attention seeking and flirting is a pretty bad trait in a friend and generally implies they are more interested in themselves than being a good friend.