Girlfriend lied re age

janullrich

just wondering what people think about this. i met my girlfriend over a year ago and after dating etc we got fairly serious at the end of June. It has been going well except we have had like every other couple one or two disagreements. We are going abroad for a week at the end of the month. She advised me at the start she was 35 and that when her birthday was around she was 36. I found out while booking a car that she has just gone 39 therefore she is a little bit older then me. She gave me her passport details and I show the birthday.

I don' know whether I should approach her or leave it. I think she said it so as to say that she is younger then me. She is a good looking girl who is intelligent and does not look her age if truth be known. Have any guys had any similar situations? What do any guys or girls think? Just interested to hear any opinions and if you want to give me a bollocking also fair enough also!

Mr Marri

So she was feeling insecure and told a white lie, If this is your only worry, your onto a winner !

changes

Its not something that would bother me too much. Some women lie about their age and its even a long running joke with some.

If there was a pattern of lies then i would worry. We've all lied about being older at some point in our lives too.

LegacyUser

OP i have a friend who does this all the time, she knocks 4 years off her age, in her case it's not meant in malice, its just for some reason she has a serious complex about her age and getting older, a serious complex! Also because she's a little immature for her age, definitely doesn't look her age, and a lot of her friends are younger than her, she usually ends up dating younger men and she thinks her age will scare men off... but in saying that she always tells a guy when things start to get serious..

But I'd call her on it op, if its been a year then she really should have told you by now, lying about something so stupid for so long would make me question her a bit tbh...

Exclamation Marc

You seem quite unbothered by the issue and that the relationship is going fairly well.

Because of this if you really want to know why, then maybe bring it up in jest that whilst it doesnt bother you at all, you saw her age on her passport. It's clearly not a big problem for you so not something to make a huge deal about. If you approach it in a light hearted unbothered way, she should respond in kind.

If she is 40 next year, it'll probably come up eventually so you might as well just get it out of the way now

janullrich

Thanks guys for the replies. Appreciate them

m'lady

I'd bring it up in a jokey way, but I really wouldn't be too put out, most women lie about their age at some stage, its a security thing, we dont like getting older!!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

If she looks it then fair play to her! I wouldnt like to do it myself because i feel i need to be proud of who i am no matter what, many women are under a lot of pressure to look good, i think men are able to age and get wrinkles and still look sexy but women get scrutinized, sounds like she really likes you though!

If you are both this age then you prob both want to get serious and settle down do yiz?, do either of you have any children? Does she give an idea she would like some with you, cause the older we get the less fertile we are! :L

Sounds like you are both happy best of luck to you, you sound very sweet. I wouldnt worry about her age if your gut says she is trustworthy then go with that.

Emme

That must be a shock OP but there is serious pressure on women to be "young" for as long as possible. Women who look younger than their age are often pressurised into knocking a few years off their age because most women in their 30s in this country seem to do it.

If the lie or her age haven't changed your feelings towards her let her know you would prefer her to be honest in future. If it has well, let it be a lesson to her and all women who lie about their ages!

Put it this way, guys lie about height and women lie about age. If I was going out with a guy who said he was 6ft and was really 5'10" it wouldn't be a big deal.

Miss Fluff

I always knock a couple of years off my age, and its not like I'm a fossil or anything, just something I do. If she really didn't want you to find out you never would have been given access to her passport details. Just tell her you know, that its not a big deal, and promise not to refer to her as a cougar or anything else that may seem remotely "funny" at the time

CDfm

LOL

When I met my girlfriend I lied about my age and shaved around 3 years off. I have no shame and would do it again.

When you meet someone you do not know that you will hook up so little lies are of little consequence.

So why, a bit was vanity and the rest was I thought she wouldnt be interested in me at my real age.

She has told my kids & her family and friends about my "lie" and they all found it amusing. Some women tend to be more secretive about their age so I wouldnt go broadcasting it.

C'mon OP don't you think its a bit cruel to make an issue of it until you are more established.Maybe if it does come up you can gallantly say you already know but love her anyway.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I always knock a couple of years off my age, and its not like I'm a fossil or anything, just something I do. If she really didn't want you to find out you never would have been given access to her passport details. Just tell her you know, that its not a big deal, and promise not to refer to her as a cougar or anything else that may seem remotely "funny" at the time

Do you mind me asking what kind of people and places do you knock bits off your age, like Im wondering of i should start meself:L .... family would know though like i have sisters close in age... I think if i lied i would have someone say your not 28! you mad cow!! Id be morto, i could prob get away with it and im 32 but sometimes i like being 32 cause i get more respect, maybe when im 40 i will??

Miss Fluff

No set rule Snookii, age doesn't tend to come up very much in most day-to-day situations tbh. I'm a year older than you but usually tell people thirty if they ask. Just something I do - some people are a bit funny about age.

CDfm

Miss Fluff wrote: »

No set rule Snookii, age doesn't tend to come up very much in most day-to-day situations tbh. I'm a year older than you but usually tell people thirty if they ask. Just something I do - some people are a bit funny about age.

I like to think that it is our gift to the less beautiful people that time has been less than kind to ..........:)

LegacyUser

That must be a shock OP but there is serious pressure on women to be "young" for as long as possible. Women who look younger than their age are often pressurised into knocking a few years off their age because most women in their 30s in this country seem to do it.

I'm actually surprised by this thread i didn't think so many women did this,
lol i'm the opposite i look stupidly young, i love it when i tell people my age and they tell me i don't look it, still get asked for ID, i don't see why women feel the need to do it at all seems pointless, but then i suppose i'm only 26...

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

No set rule Snookii, age doesn't tend to come up very much in most day-to-day situations tbh. I'm a year older than you but usually tell people thirty if they ask. Just something I do - some people are a bit funny about age.

Cool, yeah i suppose we could just have one age per decade, e.g 30 in the 30's... 40 in the 40's :L

I notice i am chuffed when someone does think i am younger, i used to want to look older cause i matured late and couldnt get into night clubs when i was 21... but now? if i got asked for ID id be flattered!


Im reading a book at the mo about soul ages, it is the only time people want to be old, and they want to be an old soul! xoxo

seenitall

I went on a date a while ago with a guy who shaved a few years off his age. Seeing as I am pretty acute with facts and figures, I spotted the inconsistancies as soon as they came up in the conversation. Immediate turn-off. Game over. Lying about something like that indicates insecuritues and low self-esteem, and that is SO unattractive. I own my age (36), I look it and I'm proud of all the experience that comes with it, and I don't think that will ever change.

Then again (before I get thrashed ), I am single and without a hint of romance in sight, so I accept that I may have high standards in this regard, perhaps too high for "the real world". Perhaps wanting people to start relationships with being truthful is a "bridge too far". But I ain't changing that any time soon. Singledom isn't the worst thing out there either!

I just wanted to give you my take on it, OP. Since you have been with this girl for quite a while now, and if things are going well, I imagine it wouldn't be a big problem in your eyes? But I would mention it to her, if even in jest. See what she says and if there are any other things she lied about.

Best wishes!

LighterGuy

I agree with the whole her being insecure. Sounds about right. So op its not a big deal.

HOWEVER, it would be a different story if this was one of many white lies she told you. That would mean you are dating a liar. But from the sounds of it, its a white insecurity lie. Which doesnt mean anything.

up for anything

confront-her wrote: »

but then i suppose i'm only 26...

Speechless!


OP, there are two ways in which this could be an issue - the fact that she has lied to you about it for over a year which shows that she doesn't really trust you. It's not like she has forgotten that she said it if she was prepared to lie about her age at her last birthday. Also it is unfair that she has allowed the relationship to deepen and become serious without telling you because if you plan on having children together the window of opportunity has lessened by three years.

CDfm

up for anything wrote: »

Speechless!

Absolutely :eek:

OP, there are two ways in which this could be an issue - the fact that she has lied to you about it for over a year which shows that she doesn't really trust you. It's not like she has forgotten that she said it if she was prepared to lie about her age at her last birthday

A non issue really but she thinks it is -it is one of those things that has grown legs. OP I think she is of the opinion that age is an issue for you but also she could feel really silly for doing so in the first place.

. Also it is unfair that she has allowed the relationship to deepen and become serious without telling you because if you plan on having children together the window of opportunity has lessened by three years.

Some people want to be child free and people who wait to settle down mid 30's often see themselves as being child free anyway but want a partner to settle down with. I mean does the OP want kids and/or does she ? It is not a ticking timebomb -if the urge is not there by now.

Anyway, it does not seem to be an issue the OP has brought up and it certainly seems to be about her sensetivities rather than deception.

Wibbs

up for anything wrote: »

Also it is unfair that she has allowed the relationship to deepen and become serious without telling you because if you plan on having children together the window of opportunity has lessened by three years.

That would be my only concern on this score TBH. That and if she's also telling other porkies. The age thing I can understand especially from a woman as like has been said there is more pressure on them on that score. Societal and biological. It's also harder in general on the dating scene for a woman approaching 40 than a man in the same boat.

seenitall

Wibbs wrote: »

That would be my only concern on this score TBH. That and if she's also telling other porkies. The age thing I can understand especially from a woman as like has been said there is more pressure on them on that score. Societal and biological. It's also harder in general on the dating scene for a woman approaching 40 than a man in the same boat.

Yaaaar... the fact that there is more pressure for women on the age score still doesn't constitute a good enough reason for lying. It's not like her lying about it is going to actually make a blind bit of difference to her age (in which case I could understand your reasoning). But what it IS going to do is give the foundation of trust in the relationship an unpleasant shake-up, once it is inevitably discovered. What do you think of people who are so short-sighted as to consciously acommodate their insecurities at the cost of honesty and trust in their relationship?

Frankly, if I were in the OP's shoes, I would feel deceived and not a little peed off. Not because the g/f is 40 and her fertility is declining, but that her reasoning upon meeting me was: "Hmmm, a lovely guy. He seems like what I would like in a boyfriend. But he probably wants a very fertile/young woman to be with, so I better lie about my age to keep him sweet." It shows immaturity, untrustworthiness, and is demeaning to them both.

La frog fairy

mmm found the last post a bit mean and assuming a lot unless you know the gf.
Gee, did he talked about kids with her yet!?? no so dont need to jump the gun yet on this issue. Let them live a little.

so she lied abot a couple of years, big deal, age is only a number, its not like she lied about being married or having kids.

She gave you a passport so maybe that was her way or comming clean without saying it. Have a little chat with her and go from there and see how you and her feel.

Simpel as for now.

seenitall

La frog fairy wrote: »

mmm found the last post a bit mean and assuming a lot unless you know the gf.
Gee, did he talked about kids with her yet!?? no so dont need to jump the gun yet on this issue. Let them live a little.

I don't think I am being presumptive in the least. It's not rocket science to have a stab at guessing that she lied because she thought that the lie would, in his eyes, make her the person she assumed he wanted to be with (i.e. younger or more fertile or both). The wild assumptions here are all hers, not mine.

jessiejam

Friend of mine is in a similar situation. Shes female and 31. She met a really nice guy a while back, they clicked right away had great chemistry etc.
He approaced her and when it came to the age chat he thought she was only 27. In fairness to her she only looks that. He told her he was 26.

A few days later she was mulling it over in her head thinking he's bit too young for her, 5 year gap, but she was willing to give it a go as they got on really well.

They met the following week and he dropped the bombshell that he was actually only 23. She was fairly put out because of the 8 year gap.

He told her the reason he didn't tell the truth was because he thought she wouldn't entertain him if he told her the truth. TBH if she'd have known she wouldn't have met him again.

They are still together anyway!

I think your girlfriend did a similar thing, and of course got caught up in the white lie and there was probably never a good time to tell you. She may have feared you would dump her if she came clean. Then time passes and you are getting on so well she may have thought coming clean mightn't be the best thing.

Unless there is a massive age gap that you are uncomfortable with I wouldn't worry too much about it. Tell her that you know though and at least it'll all be out in the open.

La frog fairy

seenitall wrote: »

I don't think I am being presumptive in the least. It's not rocket science to have a stab at guessing that she lied because she thought that the lie would, in his eyes, make her the person she assumed he wanted to be with (i.e. younger or more fertile or both). The wild assumptions here are all hers, not mine.

My point is the assumptions are based on you jumping to her thinking about fertility right off the bet, you dont know what she thinks, not every woman wants or think of having kids you know.

Maybe she simply had a bad experience before with someone younger or like previous poster said got caught up in a white lie and thats all

seenitall

La frog fairy wrote: »

My point is the assumptions are based on you jumping to her thinking about fertility right off the bet, you dont know what she thinks, not every woman wants or think of having kids you know.

Maybe she simply had a bad experience before with someone younger or like previous poster said got caught up in a white lie and thats all

Yes, and my point was that I said "younger" OR "more fertile" (or both) - so I am not in my mind confining her to be some fertility-obsessed creature; if you want to nit-pick at my mentioning the fertility issue, fine, although several other posters came to the same conclusions about her possible excuses for lying, long before my post.

As for the rest, ok, fair enough, you don't think it is much of an issue, I disagree, and we are both entitled to our opinions.

La frog fairy

seenitall wrote: »

you don't think it is much of an issue, I disagree, and we are both entitled to our opinions.

We do agree on something after all then:D

OP good luck, like someone said earlier, if thats the least of your worry then be happy.

best to you both!

pwd

There's the saying that it's a lady's perogative to lie about her age.

Maybe if they're being interviewed for a magazine or something it is, but in the context of a relationship it's not acceptable. It's especially not accceptable when the age difference equates to a huge difference in likely fertility levels (as alluded to by a couple of people already).

Dump her and meet a woman who is not completely misrepresenting herself in a calculated and unfair manner.

Emme

pwd wrote: »

There's the saying that it's a lady's perogative to lie about her age.

Maybe if they're being interviewed for a magazine or something it is, but in the context of a relationship it's not acceptable. It's especially not accceptable when the age difference equates to a huge difference in likely fertility levels (as alluded to by a couple of people already).

Dump her and meet a woman who is not completely misrepresenting herself in a calculated and unfair manner.

That's a bit harsh. If it were a guy lying to a woman by adding a few inches to his height or said he had a better paying job than he actually had what advice would you give?

I agree that they should have a chat and if she is a habitual liar maybe he would be as well off without her. However it is very difficult for women over 35 on the dating scene.

I know one 39yo guy who was into one of my friends - she looks around 36 or 37 and he put her at that. When he found out she was in her early 40s he didn't want to know but he would have been happy to date her had she been 37 or even 38. It wasn't a fertility thing (I asked him) but he didn't want to date somebody "in her 40s". I was surprised as he isn't generally shallow, but it did hammer home to me why women, particularly as they hit 39 and 40, are tempted to knock a few years off.

janullrich

Thanks for the interesting comments and discussions from various members. That is the great thing about boards. Btw this is moved but I don't know where to?

Tuesday_Girl

La frog fairy wrote: »

My point is the assumptions are based on you jumping to her thinking about fertility right off the bet, you dont know what she thinks, not every woman wants or think of having kids you know.

Maybe she simply had a bad experience before with someone younger or like previous poster said got caught up in a white lie and thats all

But maybe guys do, and they're entitled to know the age of the women they're dating if they hope to have kids with her.

Lying about your age, especially over a continuous period, is way out of line in my opinion. I am 39 and while I'd love to be 35 again I will never tell a potential partner that I am.

LegacyUser

a very interesting thread. Lots of good back and forth and plenty of insight.

There is one thing I have to pick up on though.

This notion that it's okay to 'shave a few years off' because after all 'age is only a number'

If you truly believe age is only a number then you shouldn't have a problem telling the person you are going to engage in a realtionship with anything other than the truth.

I do truly believe age is only a number and I can assure you 100% I would never lie about it. No matter if I thought being younger or older (and all that entails) would make me more attractive to a prospective partner it wouldn't change my mind. The age I am, quite simply, is the age I am.

And, in the same vein, a lie is a lie.

LOLA08

you would think at her age she would have more cop then to lie about something like that, it may seem like a small lie but where do small lies end...
the fact that she is that bit older and as another poster pointed out if You would like to have kids with this women, (and of course if she would like kids with you) than her age would be a factor.

life is to short for being insecure about your age, we are all aging, and people accept it because we have too, no choice. being insecure is not going to change it.

If a 15 year old lied about there age and was in a relationship with an 18 year old, there would be consequences, i know that sounds extreme but lying about "Small" stuff like that can lead to all sorts of problems.

28064212

janullrich wrote: »

Thanks for the interesting comments and discussions from various members. That is the great thing about boards. Btw this is moved but I don't know where to?

Soc > Personal Issues > Relationship Issues. You can see the forums hierarchy at the top left of the thread (just under the boards.ie logo).

From what I've seen, she told you she was 35 at the start of the relationship, and then it never really came up? Has she been consistently saying she was 35 all along? How soon after you got together was her '36th' birthday? Was she hesitant about giving you her passport details?

Age rarely comes up in day-to-day conversation, so it seems like she may have told you a white lie at the start, and just never corrected you. I'd be inclined to just ask her about the disrepancy between her claims and her passport, and say you understand why she did it, but you would appreciate more honesty in the future

desmurphy

its only a number, if you tell people you are a certain age they believe that you should be doing certain things etc. i am 40 and look alot younger. if i say i am 40 people say why am i not married, if i same i am 32 people say are you having a good time being single. Your girlfriend is feeling pressurised by society to feel that she should be younger than you. that does not take away from the fact that she may be a wonderful and areally attractive person. dont lose her over a silly white lie