secret photos

LegacyUser

Hi all..

First time that I've ever written on boards but I'm feeling so confused & sad right now and don't feel comfortable talking to my friends about this. I've been with my boyfriend for a few months now, we work together and are in our mid twenties. The other night I was looking through his photos on his phone as I was waiting for him to finish doing something in the kitchen. I didn't think anything of it as he would often pick up my phone and look at my photos (but never read messages etc)..anyway I came across two photos of me getting dressed (ie I had my bra on but was pretty much naked) that he'd obviously taken without my knowledge a couple of months ago. I immediately asked him about them when he returned, he apologised and said that he'd had his phone in his hand, thought I looked good and took the photos & then kind of forgot about them. He also admitted to taking photos of other girls he's been with in the past, but he was a bit sketchy as to whether they knew or not what he was doing. While I understand that he did not take them maliciously, he also found it hard to understand why I was upset. He kept on repeating that he didn't show them to anyone else, that they were just for him. I tried explaining how it felt like a massive invasion of my privacy to take photos of me without my consent, especially as I'd told him before that I would never be comfortable with taking photos/making videos like that.

Even though we've ostensibly made up, I cannot get rid of how creepy and horrible seeing those photos made me feel. I am crazy about him, yet now I feel like I can't trust him. I suppose I'm wondering if I am totally over-reacting (which I probably am, I was just so shocked as prior to this relationship I was in a long term relationship with a guy who would never dream of doing something like that), or am I right to be upset? in all other respects we get on brilliantly, yet this has scared me into wondering if I am putting myself in the path of getting badly hurt by his actions in the long run. Any advice at all would be appreciated. Sorry its so long I just needed to get it all out!

Ickle Magoo

So you told him in the past you would never be comfortable with him taking sexy photos of you so he sneakily took a photo anyway without you realising and he can't understand why you are upset?

He completely disregarded what you said and took pics - on a device he could lose, show to mates, etc, etc. I'm not surprised you're upset and feeling creeped out - what he did was upsetting and creepy!

If you can't even trust him to respect that you don't want pictures of your own naked body taken - and more importantly he's either too dim or too selfish to understand why that bothers you that he does it anyway without your permission then it doesn't say a whole lot for the guy - in the end it just comes down to whether you can forgive him, draw a line under it and move on or not.

Best of luck

up for anything

I can understand why you are upset and have a creepy feeling about him now. He is a creep, in the true sense of the word. Even if the subject had never come up anybody who would take photos like that without your knowledge is a vile person or at least a complete cretin without any common sense. If I were you I would definitely be parting company with him.

LighterGuy

Hmmm,
its weird the way he took some without asking.
Alot of guys like to take pics of their girlfriends but you usually ask.

Also you say his reply was sketchy about whether previous girls knew he took them. It would be safe to assume they didnt

Personally I dont think its the creepiest thing to do. It would more so be an issue of him doing it behind your back. But I think its one of those matters were you should just put your foot down and say you dont like it and move on. If he does it again.. well thats a breach of trust. which would be serious.


It would be a different story if he still had photos of other girls in his phone.

Black Swan

Most lads I know like porn. I would not be so upset if you were his exclusive soft-porn love object, especially if you still had your knickers on and were not showing it all. I might be a bit upset about him being sneaky, or if I was totally pictured in the buff, but at the same time I might also feel subtly gratified, provided that he did not share my photos with other lads (or put them on the bloody Internet).

So if it bothers you, tell him to ask first, then get over it. Everyone screws up in relationships, and for a thing like this, he should be given a second chance. You have to build trust, it doesn't just occur by someone saying it. Plus, if you both are totally committed and in love, maybe you might consider posing for him; but be artistic, subtle, and provocative, not showing it all.

Zen65

Blue_Lagoon wrote: »

Plus, if you both are totally committed and in love, maybe you might consider posing for him; but be artistic, subtle, and provocative, not showing it all.

I'd agree with this, if he deletes all copies of the secret photos he has taken of you and all previous girls. This guy needs to grow up a little!

Be at peace,

Z

Moomoo1

I don't really see a problem there. It's not like he doesn't see you naked all the time, so what's the difference between him having a 'live' image of you and a 'still' one?

I mean, do you have any particular issues about this sort of thing? Sound just like harmless fun to me...

Moomoo1

Blue_Lagoon wrote: »

Plus, if you both are totally committed and in love, maybe you might consider posing for him; but be artistic, subtle, and provocative, not showing it all.

but often if the person poses it's not the same. Some of the best photos are taken without the knowledge of the subject.

RandyMann

Moomoo1 wrote: »

but often if the person poses it's not the same. Some of the best photos are taken without the knowledge of the subject.

Yeah totally agree with that. Hey OP, lighten up hes not a creep, he appreciates the female form, nothing wrong with that.
He was not really hiding them if he lets you go through his phone.
Loads of blokes are like this, get used to it.

Darlughda

Jayzus, must be the knuckle draggers boards night in.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I don't really see a problem there. It's not like he doesn't see you naked all the time, so what's the difference between him having a 'live' image of you and a 'still' one?

Because to state the obvious, consent was not obtained. Therefore it becomes a little bit sneaky, and leaves him suspect of motives. Internet? Facebook? Etc...

I mean, do you have any particular issues about this sort of thing? Sound just like harmless fun to me...

Mmmm, harmless fun to you while you pull the old 'issues' tag outta the bag....maybe you should come with a warning sign on your head to women.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

but often if the person poses it's not the same. Some of the best photos are taken without the knowledge of the subject.

If you are thinking of some of the greatest photographers, I reckon that chances are the OP's boyfriend is not in that league. He could take the pic, then tell her... 'I took this picture because you just looked so natural and sexy in that light, are you okay if I keep this, because I really like it.'

RandyMann wrote: »

Yeah totally agree with that. Hey OP, lighten up hes not a creep, he appreciates the female form, nothing wrong with that.
He was not really hiding them if he lets you go through his phone.
Loads of blokes are like this, get used to it.

Lighten up??????? Oh right you are randymann. I see.
Loads of blokes are like this-you mean you and yer mates are like this, is that what you mean?
Another needing flashing light above the head.
Get used to it?

Bottle_of_Smoke

confused_girl wrote: »

Hi all..

I tried explaining how it felt like a massive invasion of my privacy to take photos of me without my consent, especially as I'd told him before that I would never be comfortable with taking photos/making videos like that.

Erm, has everyone defending the guy read this line?

I don't think it even abnormal for someone to have naked photos of their other half on their phone, but its weird as f*ck to have ones that said person doesn't know about! Worse still, the OP has actually spelled it out she wouldn't be comfortable with them.

moomoo1 wrote:

I don't really see a problem there. It's not like he doesn't see you naked all the time, so what's the difference between him having a 'live' image of you and a 'still' one?

I mean, do you have any particular issues about this sort of thing? Sound just like harmless fun to me...

zen65 wrote:

I'd agree with this, if he deletes all copies of the secret photos he has taken of you and all previous girls. This guy needs to grow up a little!

Be at peace,

WTF like, she's already said she wouldn't be comfortable with them. And a phone isn't exactly a high security device. Someone could look through it or he could lose it.

I think it's a big deal. It would really lower my opinion of a person if I knew they did this.

RandyMann

Darlughda wrote: »

Jayzus, must be the knuckle draggers boards night in.




Mmmm, harmless fun to you while you pull the old 'issues' tag outta the bag....maybe you should come with a warning sign on your head to women.



If you are thinking of some of the greatest photographers, I reckon that chances are the OP's boyfriend is not in that league. He could take the pic, then tell her... 'I took this picture because you just looked so natural and sexy in that light, are you okay if I keep this, because I really like it.'



Lighten up??????? Oh right you are randymann. I see.
Loads of blokes are like this-you mean you and yer mates are like this, is that what you mean?
Another needing flashing light above the head.
Get used to it?

Here relax there Darlughda, you are getting yourself wound up over nothing, like the OP.
Yeah loads of blokes like the female form in pics etc., nothing wrong with that, sure even the great painters from years ago had their muses who were the result of great works of art.
I reckon this guy just likes the female body, partially clothed or whatever and theres nothing creepy about that.
I love it too and I aint no creep that needs a flashlight over his head, actually dont really get that comment..

Darlughda

RandyMann wrote: »

Here relax there Darlughda, you are getting yourself wound up over nothing, like the OP.
Yeah loads of blokes like the female form in pics etc., nothing wrong with that, sure even the great painters from years ago had their muses who were the result of great works of art.
I reckon this guy just likes the female body, partially clothed or whatever and theres nothing creepy about that.
I love it too and I aint no creep that needs a flashlight over his head, actually dont really get that comment..

Yes. I would suspect that comment is beyond yer ken.


OP, this is not good.

Bottle of Smoke pointed out that you had already expressed no towards this. Therefore sly behaviour is going on here. However, I can see what be-at-peace-Zen was saying, it might genuinely be an immature mistake.

However, you do seem really creeped out. Genuinely.
Therefore, I am not so sure if this is just a young fella loosing the grip on boundaries and trust in a new relationship.

Ickle Magoo

RandyMann wrote: »

Here relax there Darlughda, you are getting yourself wound up over nothing, like the OP.
Yeah loads of blokes like the female form in pics etc., nothing wrong with that, sure even the great painters from years ago had their muses who were the result of great works of art.
I reckon this guy just likes the female body, partially clothed or whatever and theres nothing creepy about that.
I love it too and I aint no creep that needs a flashlight over his head, actually dont really get that comment..

If the OP said that she didn't want her picture taken, then she didn't want her picture taken. Her boyfriends "love of the female form" or whatever else doesn't supercede her right not have photos taken without her knowledge when she's in a state of undress.

There is nothing creepy about loving the human form, the majority of people do - what we don't all do is secretly take pictures of people we are supposed to care about and respect half naked when they have specifically said they don't want that. To ignore the OP and do it anyway, is creepy. Considering getting his own jollies as more important than the OP's request regarding her own body is certainly creepy.

RandyMann

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

If the OP said that she didn't want her picture taken, then she didn't want her picture taken. Her boyfriends "love of the female form" or whatever else doesn't supercede her right not have photos taken without her knowledge when she's in a state of undress.

There is nothing creepy about loving the human form, the majority of people do - what we don't all do is secretly take pictures of people we are supposed to care about and respect half naked when they have specifically said they don't want that. To ignore the OP and do it anyway, is creepy. Considering getting his own jollies as more important than the OP's request regarding her own body is certainly creepy.

Ok, he made a little mistake, move on is the best thing for her and him

Darlughda

RandyMann wrote: »

Ok, he made a little mistake, move on is the best thing for her and him

No. It is not a little mistake.

Depending upon the character of the OP's boyfriend, this could have ramifications for the rest of her life. By that, I mean her boyfriend could circulate these images on the internet that would remain there permanently.

Not to mention, how he could doctor these images, if the relationship turned sour etc., etc. Or how he could add/edit to images.

We are still very unused to the manipulation of imagery on the internet, so it is right that there is concern over concealed photos being taken. Particularly in a relationship that is supposed to be based on trust.

If he was genuinely recording intimate moments, why did he not tell her?

OP has stated this kind of recording is not on for her and her boyfriend has already admitted doing this in the past.

Whats going on here?

Ickle Magoo

RandyMann wrote: »

Ok, he made a little mistake, move on is the best thing for her and him

It's for the OP to decide what's for the best and what constitutes "little" or "mistake" rather than massive & deliberate breach in trust. If she can't trust the guy when at her most vulnerable then whether he's worth having a relationship with is something she's going to have to seriously think about.

Moomoo1

Darlughda wrote: »

Therefore, I am not so sure if this is just a young fella loosing the grip on boundaries and trust in a new relationship.

I just don't think that these are reasonable boundaries to be setting. As I've said, he sees her naked 'in real life' all the time, how is that different to seeing her naked on a photo?

I would also like the OP to explain why she thinks that taking a photo of your loved one in a state of undress is 'creepy'. I think it's anything but.

RandyMann

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

It's for the OP to decide what's for the best and what constitutes "little" or "mistake" rather than massive & deliberate breach in trust. If she can't trust the guy when at her most vulnerable then whether he's worth having a relationship with is something she's going to have to seriously think about.

Yeah but you guys(Darlughda included) are putting all these negative thoughts in her head which is not really helping. I am just trying to calm her down instead of working her up to worry about what he could potentially do as you guys have.
You say its for the OP to decide(which of course it is) when you are giving your 2 cents. I am just giving mine also. She is the one that posted here for opinions and if mine differ to yours, so what?
Maybe that is what she needs instead of worrying about what ifs..

Moomoo1

Darlughda wrote: »

No. It is not a little mistake.

Depending upon the character of the OP's boyfriend, this could have ramifications for the rest of her life. By that, I mean her boyfriend could circulate these images on the internet that would remain there permanently.

Not to mention, how he could doctor these images, if the relationship turned sour etc., etc. Or how he could add/edit to images.

We are still very unused to the manipulation of imagery on the internet, so it is right that there is concern over concealed photos being taken. Particularly in a relationship that is supposed to be based on trust.

If he was genuinely recording intimate moments, why did he not tell her?

OP has stated this kind of recording is not on for her and her boyfriend has already admitted doing this in the past.

Whats going on here?

by the logical extension of what you are saying, no one can ever take photos of anyone without obtaining their permission first. Because, all photos can be manipulated, doctored and circulated. But that's ridiculous.

also, you are using the 'axe' fallacy. He never circulated any photos, he just took them: just because they _can_ be circulated doesn't mean that they will be. Any more than having an axe in your house means that you are responsible if a criminal comes in and kills you with it.

Darlughda

Okay, am not convinced that you are not the one and same poster but nonetheless;

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I just don't think that these are reasonable boundaries to be setting. As I've said, he sees her naked 'in real life' all the time, how is that different to seeing her naked on a photo?
I'm gobsmacked that you are genuinely trying to claim that being intimate with somone, and taking images of them that can be sent or posted anywhere are somehow the latter giving explicit and legitimate permission for the latter.

I would also like the OP to explain why she thinks that taking a photo of your loved one in a state of undress is 'creepy'. I think it's anything but.

If it's done without permission, or confession, before or after, especially after the OP has said NO to these kind of images or recording, then damn right it is creepy.

RandyMann wrote: »

Yeah but you guys(Darlughda included) are putting all these negative thoughts in her head which is not really helping. I am just trying to calm her down instead of working her up to worry about what he could potentially do as you guys have.
You say its for the OP to decide when you are giving your 2 cents. I am just giving mine also. She is the one that posted here for opinions and if mine differ to yours, so what?
Maybe that is what she needs instead of worrying about what ifs..

Yeah, well randymann, it is clear from your posts that your 2cents really would not help any woman.
In any kind of similar situation.Ever.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

by the logical extension of what you are saying, no one can ever take photos of anyone without obtaining their permission first. Because, all photos can be manipulated, doctored and circulated. But that's ridiculous.

also, you are using the 'axe' fallacy. He never circulated any photos, he just took them: just because they _can_ be circulated doesn't mean that they will be. Any more than having an axe in your house means that you are responsible if a criminal comes in and kills you with it.

No, the thread is about trust issues the OP has with her boyfriend, considering the images she has discovered on his phone, and by her account, the shifty attempts he has made to explain previous photos he took of his ex girlfriends.And what became of those photos.

Ickle Magoo

RandyMann wrote: »

Yeah but you guys(Darlughda included) are putting all these negative thoughts in her head which is not really helping. I am just trying to calm her down instead of working her up to worry about what he could potentially do as you guys have.
You say its for the OP to decide when you are giving your 2 cents. I am just giving mine also. She is the one that posted here for opinions and if mine differ to yours, so what?
Maybe that is what she needs instead of worrying about what ifs..

Well, no. You were claiming it WAS a little mistake and that moving on IS best, as if fact. I disagree, I'd drop him like a hot potato - nobody is puting negative thoughts in the OP's head that aren't already there. She's clearly uncomfortable with this and that's why she's posting.

Taking a sexy pic of someone as they pose is one thing, taking a sexy pic of someone without their knowledge and showing them said pic is one thing - being told that someone doesn't want sexy pics taken and doing it anyway, deliberately making sure not to be seen as you do so, is something else entirely and it's more than just sexy pics; it's disregarding her wishes, breaching her trust, being furtive and dishonest in order to get something of someone else that they have specified they don't want a part of just because he did.

That's what is creepy about it. He saw her in the flesh, presumably because they were having sex and she laid down a clear boundary that she wouldn't ever be comfortable having sexy pics and he just went right ahead and did it anyway. I don't know a better definition for creepy that furtively taking skin photos of someone who has stated they don't want to be in them.

Moomoo1

Darlughda wrote: »

If it's done without permission, or confession, before or after, especially after the OP has said NO to these kind of images or recording, then damn right it is creepy.

do you really need permission to do this sort of thing? In a loving relationship? Really? Do you really need to 'confess' it (I am getting visions here of Jesuits with medieval torture implements)? Once again, he didn't take a photo of anything he hadn't seen before...

you see, there's telling and there's telling. There's sitting someone down and saying 'OMG, this is a life and death issue for me, dealbreaker and all'. And there's mentioning in an unrelated conversation that you don't like being recorded (with no detail given).

Darlughda wrote: »

No, the thread is about trust issues the OP has with her boyfriend, considering the images she has discovered on his phone, and by her account, the shifty attempts he has made to explain previous photos he took of his ex girlfriends.And what became of those photos.

you are just repeating yourself - accusing someone of disseminating images when there is zero evidence that they have done so.

you cannot say ' because images can be disseminated, they shouldn't be taken', that's like saying that 'because people can be murdered with knives, we shouldn't use knives'. The _only_ thing you can say here is that 'if the OP doesn't wish those images to be taken then they shouldn't be'. Which is why I asked question of _why_ the OP doesn't wish them to be taken. Whether it's because this is something she is not used to, some bad previous experiences, or anything else.

RandyMann

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Well, no. You were claiming it WAS a little mistake and that moving on IS best, as if fact. I disagree, I'd drop him like a hot potato - nobody is puting negative thoughts in the OP's head that aren't already there. She's clearly uncomfortable with this and that's why she's posting.

Taking a sexy pic of someone as they pose is one thing, taking a sexy pic of someone without their knowledge and showing them said pic is one thing - being told that someone doesn't want sexy pics taken and doing it anyway, deliberately making sure not to be seen as you do so, is something else entirely and it's more than just sexy pics; it's disregarding her wishes, breaching her trust, being furtive and dishonest in order to get something of someone else that they have specified they don't want a part of just because he did.

That's what is creepy about it. He saw her in the flesh, presumably because they were having sex and she laid down a clear boundary that she wouldn't ever be comfortable having sexy pics and he just went right ahead and did it anyway. I don't know a better definition for creepy that furtively taking skin photos of someone who has stated they don't want to be in them.

Em I know you disagree, thats obvious. You are also saying that you would drop him like a hot potatoe but then you also say thats for the OP to decide in another post refering to my previous one saying it was a little mistake and move on.
I also concur that the OP has negative thoughts like you said but you guys are adding to it.
Now if you want to argue about semantics, that would be a waste of my time and yours.
I am not convinced about this guy as to whether he had ulterior motives as I don't know him but it seems that Darlughda and maybe yourself are convinced. This guy could be innocent and not see it the way you, the OP and Darloughda does.

Darlughda

Moomoo1 wrote: »

do you really need permission to do this sort of thing? In a loving relationship? Really? Do you really need to 'confess' it (I am getting visions here of Jesuits with medieval torture implements)? Once again, he didn't take a photo of anything he hadn't seen before...

you see, there's telling and there's telling. There's sitting someone down and saying 'OMG, this is a life and death issue for me, dealbreaker and all'. And there's mentioning in an unrelated conversation that you don't like being recorded (with no detail given).



you are just repeating yourself - accusing someone of disseminating images when there is zero evidence that they have done so.

you cannot say ' because images can be disseminated, they shouldn't be taken', that's like saying that 'because people can be murdered with knives, we shouldn't use knives'. The _only_ thing you can say here is that 'if the OP doesn't wish those images to be taken then they shouldn't be'. Which is why I asked question of _why_ the OP doesn't wish them to be taken. Whether it's because this is something she is not used to, some bad previous experiences, or anything else.

Yes. You do need permission. Even in a loving relationship because of the POTENTIAL of what can be done with these images.

The very thought that there are men like you out there who think it is okay to take images of some woman you have slept with, just because she has shared intimately her naked body with you... well that is scary.

Ickle Magoo

RandyMann wrote: »

Em I know you disagree, thats obvious. You are also saying that you would drop him like a hot potatoe but then you also say thats for the OP to decide in another post refering to my previous one saying it was a little mistake and move on.
I also concur that the OP has negative thoughts like you said but you guys are adding to it.
Now if you want to argue about semantics, that would be a waste of my time and yours.
I am not convinced about this guy as to whether he had ulterior motives as I don't know him but it seems that Darlughda and maybe yourself are convinced. This guy could be innocent and not see it the way you, the OP and Darloughda does.

I would drop him like a hot potato but it's not up to me, I'm just stressing your claims that it's all a bit of nothing to be swept under the carpet is a misnomer.

I have no idea what you mean by ulterior motives, I haven't mentioned any. I just don't see what could possibly be innocent about ignoring someone's wishes not to be in sexy pictures and furtively taking them anyway...

If you can't trust your partner not to be secretly filming or snapping as you get dressed/undressed in their company, what the hell kind of relationship is that?!

Moomoo1

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I disagree, I'd drop him like a hot potato - nobody is puting negative thoughts in the OP's head that aren't already there. She's clearly uncomfortable with this and that's why she's posting.

But you have to think WHY she is uncomfortable. Is it because of the image the society places into her head of

anyone who secretly takes semi-naked photos of partner=axe murderer who will chop you into pieces tomorrow?


this is what I hate btw. That relationships are destroyed and heartbreak caused because of what is theoretically possible and not of what actually happens. That if she does break up she might end up with someone who doesn't do anything out of the ordinary like that, conforms to all the c**p about 'boundaries' 100%, but who she isn't as crazy about. But the overwhelming probability is that the guy (i) views this as harmless fun, (ii) will never share the images and even (iii) that they will eventually come to a compromise about this. But no, he is judged by the small minority who _are_ genuinely creepy.

at the end of the day she knows him for a few months, and so judging him based on her previous experiences and on the significance the society places on covertly taking semi-naked pictures.

yeah ok, she told him not to do something and he did it. Bad boy. So what, it happens, and people get over it. It's not like this is something serious. Maybe she may even grow to like it with time. Remember, it's all about compromise in relationships.

Moomoo1

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

If you can't trust your partner not to be secretly filming or snapping as you get dressed/undressed in their company, what the hell kind of relationship is that?!

is _looking_ at them whilst they do it a crime too? Something that needs to be discussed in advance and 'confessed' if unadvertently done?

RandyMann

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I would drop him like a hot potato but it's not up to me, I'm just stressing your claims that it's all a bit of nothing to be swept under the carpet is a misnomer.

This is my point about semantics ^

Moomoo1

Darlughda wrote: »

Yes. You do need permission. Even in a loving relationship because of the POTENTIAL of what can be done with these images.

The very thought that there are men like you out there who think it is okay to take images of some woman you have slept with, just because she has shared intimately her naked body with you... well that is scary.

.

we are still back to my original two points

i) Potential does not justify anything. Before buying a knife I do not need to show I will not then murder anyone with it. Equally, if you are taking a photo you can't be judged according to what you MAY do with it, just on what you HAVE done.

ii) do you not think it's a ridiculous notion - that you SLEEP with someone and yet not let them take pictures of you? How is a 'live' image different from a still one?

Darlughda

Moomoo1 wrote: »

But you have to think WHY she is uncomfortable. Is it because of the image the society places into her head of

anyone who secretly takes semi-naked photos of partner=axe murderer who will chop you into pieces tomorrow?


this is what I hate btw. That relationships are destroyed and heartbreak caused because of what is theoretically possible and not of what actually happens. That if she does break up she might end up with someone who doesn't do anything out of the ordinary like that, conforms to all the c**p about 'boundaries' 100%, but who she isn't as crazy about. But the overwhelming probability is that the guy (i) views this as harmless fun, (ii) will never share the images and even (iii) that they will eventually come to a compromise about this. But no, he is judged by the small minority who _are_ genuinely creepy.

at the end of the day she knows him for a few months, and so judging him based on her previous experiences and on the significance the society places on covertly taking semi-naked pictures.

yeah ok, she told him not to do something and he did it. Bad boy. So what, it happens, and people get over it. It's not like this is something serious. Maybe she may even grow to like it with time. Remember, it's all about compromise in relationships.

complete goobledigook.

Enough. I am out of this thread.

OP, have a good look over this thread and think for yourself.

Jayzus, there'll be no phones allowed in my bedroom from now on!:eek:

Ickle Magoo

Moomoo1, I think you are missing the point by a country mile and being deliberately hysterical. If someone says they don't want to be in sexy pics then that should be respected. It has bugger all to do with what could or couldn't happen with them - though that may play a part in the OP's discomfort - it's doing it behind her back after she's expressly said she wouldn't want to be in one. Where is the compromise there?

I wouldn't ever want to go out with someone who thought it was okay to take covert pictures of my body when I'd clearly said I wouldn't want to be in them. It has nothing to do with axe-murderers or society, it has to do with the choice of partners available and not settling for a complete moron.

I don't know what you mean by it happens all the time and get over it, either. People get dumped all the time for not respecting boundaries as well. There are millions of people in the world, why should the OP saddle herself with one who can't even respect a basic request that has no real implications for either of them and is either so daft or selfish that he considers his own titillation more important?

Ickle Magoo

Moomoo1 wrote: »

is _looking_ at them whilst they do it a crime too? Something that needs to be discussed in advance and 'confessed' if unadvertently done?

If you can't see the difference between willingly being naked in someone's company and not wishing them to take or have naked pictures of you, then I'm not sure you are ever going to understand.

RandyMann wrote: »

This is my point about semantics ^

It's hardly linguistics to point out the misnomers in your postings.

RandyMann

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

It's hardly linguistics to point out the misnomers in your postings.

Goodnight

Chinafoot

Moomoo1 wrote: »

do you really need permission to do this sort of thing? In a loving relationship? Really? Do you really need to 'confess' it (I am getting visions here of Jesuits with medieval torture implements)? Once again, he didn't take a photo of anything he hadn't seen before...

Wow. I'm gobsmacked by this attitude. The fact that he has seen her naked does not give him the right to take a picture of her naked/in her underwear without her knowledge. Him having seen her naked is completely and utterly irrelevant. He absolutely does need her permission. The fact that they're in a relationship does not give him any rights over her body. He had the pictures on a mobile phone that anyone could have stolen or picked up and looked through.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

you see, there's telling and there's telling. There's sitting someone down and saying 'OMG, this is a life and death issue for me, dealbreaker and all'. And there's mentioning in an unrelated conversation that you don't like being recorded (with no detail given).

You're reaching. She has said that she told him she would never be comfortable with pictures like that. You have no idea how unrelated the conversation was. He didn't respect her wishes. He knew her feelings on the issue and he disregarded them in favour of his own. Completely unacceptable when its her body he is taking pictures of.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

you are just repeating yourself - accusing someone of disseminating images when there is zero evidence that they have done so.

She hasn't accused anyone of anything. She and others are pointing out how these images could be disseminated. Having them on a mobile phone is not secure.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

you cannot say ' because images can be disseminated, they shouldn't be taken', that's like saying that 'because people can be murdered with knives, we shouldn't use knives'.

You're reaching again. :rolleyes: These aren't just any old photographs. These are pictures of her in a vulnerable state, pictures that if they did find their way online could do her some serious damage. What happens if things go sour between them? They work together. All it would take is a fit of anger from him to spread those pictures around. Or, his phone could be stolen and someone else could decide to spread them around. It is common sense to not have pictures like this taken, particularly after "a few months" together. He has already proven he doesn't care about her opinion on the matter by taking them in the first place. He's hardly someone to be trusted completely. And that is the main issue here...TRUST. Its not about what you perceive to be stupid boundaries placed by society. Its about HER telling HIM that she isn't comfortable with them and him betraying her trust and taking them anyway. Creepy. As. Fúck.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

The _only_ thing you can say here is that 'if the OP doesn't wish those images to be taken then they shouldn't be'.

Which is correct, and the only thing that matters here. She doesn't want them taken. End of story.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Which is why I asked question of _why_ the OP doesn't wish them to be taken. Whether it's because this is something she is not used to, some bad previous experiences, or anything else.

Because, believe it or not MooMoo1, not everyone wants to have pictures of themselves half naked taken. That is entirely her right. She doesn't need to explain herself to you, her boyfriend or anyone else.

MooMoo1 wrote:

Maybe she may even grow to like it with time.

Thats both disturbing and disgusting.

CDfm

OP - I have read your post and this is what I think.

I think we can safely say that what he has told you is in the same league as the "dog ate my homework" excuse. It may be true but probably not and he is not a very good liar.

I can understand your point of view and its a privacy thing and I agree with you totally. I wouldnt be comfortable with it myself.

So the idea that must have crossed your mind is whether he took them for his own personal use or would show them to others. As a guy I would never want to see pictures of another guys wife or g/f ever.

I think you can take it that they were for his own personal use. However, you should be quite clear that they are a no-no and ask to see his pc or laptop and show you that he hasn't transfered them.That is a reasonable request.

Now whether or not to stay with him only you can answer that. You may decide that this was just something you just cant accept and that would be understandable. You may think he is a bit of an eejit in this situation and accept that he did something stupid as he assumed thats what people do with camera phones and some people do.

So it does go down to how much you trust him and his motives in taking the pictures balanced against your feelings for the guy.

Its not something I would do myself but I can understand how it might happen.

sickofwaiting

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I just don't think that these are reasonable boundaries to be setting. As I've said, he sees her naked 'in real life' all the time, how is that different to seeing her naked on a photo?

I would also like the OP to explain why she thinks that taking a photo of your loved one in a state of undress is 'creepy'. I think it's anything but.

You've spouted some nonsense in this thread. How in the name of god did you make the issue out to be about the difference between seeing her naked in a picture as opposed to in person?

Taking sly naked photos of someone when they have specifically said they don't want to be in such photos is very bad form. There is no question about it. It is creepy and it leaves her in a vunerable position as this guy now has illicit photos of her that potentially could end up on the net, or be send to his friends and/or workmates in emails/txt. Once the photos are taken there is always the possibilty.

She has been going out with this guy a few months, its not like its her husband of 20 years. She also works with the guy. The last thing she needs if the relationships goes sour, as they often do, is this guy having naked pictures of her on his phone.

It happens the whole time, spurned lover looks to get revenge, just look back over some of the threads on this forum. If she decided she wasnt into this guy and dumped him and went out with someone else, she could find herself in the position of having a bitter and spiteful ex in possesion of naked photos of her. That is actually the main objections people have to having naked photos taken of themselves - the consequences if the relationship fails, duh. No one needs the stress of having an ex in possesion of compromising photos of them. He has already shown he has no respect for boundries by taking the photos in the first place.

Get him to delete the photos straight away OP, hopefully he won't have backed them up on his pc already but that is also a possibility. He is some prick to put you in this situation.

fungun

Hmmm, this is one of those where I see both sides a bit....but in this case more the OPs side.....comes down to trust/respect.

Ive taken photos of gfs. Ive taken some on spec (ostensibly without permission then I suppose), but never after been told specifically not to. And always in a longer term reln where they felt ok about it or certainly could trust me. Or at least i knew i was trustworthy, lol. But like anything of a sexual nature, both people need to be comfortable with it. If he wants it and she doesnt, then tough....this may mean they are not as compatible as he hoped, but its all about respect for her wishes.

I think its fair for her to be unhappy about a workmate taking pics of her after only a few months when she has specifically asked him not to. The point missed by moomoo about the difference between him seeing her and having a photo is that he cannot download his memories onto his phone and distribute them. Its fair to say a significant amount of relns end unhappily and if you break up it would be difficult in a work environment and him having those photos of you could put her on the back foot and potentially under threat of situations where he could be saying 'remember what i have if you go out with him/do that etc etc'

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I don't really see a problem there. It's not like he doesn't see you naked all the time, so what's the difference between him having a 'live' image of you and a 'still' one?

None if she hadnt already told him that she didnt want photos taken of her.....

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I mean, do you have any particular issues about this sort of thing? Sound just like harmless fun to me...

She had an issue and she told him about it, he chose to ignore her and went ahead and took pictures of her dressing.

OP its creepy (not that he wants to take them but the way in which he did it to you and others). Where are the pics of his ex;s??

Moomoo1

fungun wrote: »

The point missed by moomoo about the difference between him seeing her and having a photo is that he cannot download his memories onto his phone and distribute them.

are you joking? Missed? I addressed that point 10 times over. You cannot judge someone for what they _haven't_ done.

seems that just because he _can_ put photos of her on the internet, people are assuming that he _would_.

besides, semi-naked photos like she describes aren't exactly massive blackmail material. I bet she wasn't wearing much less than she'd wear on a beach, or in a swimming pool


finally, if someone wants to truly be malicious, then not having graphic images won't stop them.


EDIT: this also goes @sickofwaiting and anyone else who believes that anyone who takes a photo of their partner should be treated as one who took it with intention to distribute it. I'd hate to be a defendant with one of you on a jury, you'd probably think that because I went and bought a knife in a shop I should be treated as a serial murderer.

EDIT: and @chinafoot. I didn't really read what she wrote because I usually know what she'll say before I start reading it. Sorry.

Moomoo1

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

If you can't see the difference between willingly being naked in someone's company and not wishing them to take or have naked pictures of you, then I'm not sure you are ever going to understand.

equally, if you don't understand why it's strange for someone to object to photos being taken by someone they are having sex with, I am not sure if you are ever going to understand

Moomoo1

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

There are millions of people in the world, why should the OP saddle herself with one who can't even respect a basic request that has no real implications for either of them and is either so daft or selfish that he considers his own titillation more important?

because she is, by her own admission, 'crazy' about him

because it's a trivial matter

because boundaries aren't something set by just one person in the relationships, there should be some degree of compromise there

Ickle Magoo

Moomoo1 wrote: »

equally, if you don't understand why it's strange for someone to object to photos being taken by someone they are having sex with, I am not sure if you are ever going to understand

Understand what? The OP's concern & discomfort, which is what we're dealing with here. Whether it's strange or not is, again, missing the point. Within relationships couples have all manner of wants, dislikes and boundaries - subjectively normal, odd and everything inbetween and any partner worth their salt respects the wishes expressed by their partner regarding what they are into and what they are not - at no stage does one party's consideration that a want/like/dislike is odd, negates the validity of the request nor makes it acceptable to slyly navigate around such requests by doing what the hell they like without their partners knowledge. I'm not sure what is not to get here.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

because she is, by her own admission, 'crazy' about him

because it's a trivial matter

because boundaries aren't something set by just one person in the relationships, there should be some degree of compromise there

There are people crazy about their partners in all manner of unhealthy and unbalanced relationships...

If it were a trivial matter then the OP wouldn't be posting, it may be a trivial matter to you - a partner taking secret photos as they undressed would certainly not be a trivial matter for many others, if it's trivial to the OP now, then happy days - I wish them luck.

Boundaries are discussed, and some boundaries are not up for compromise - that's when looking for an alternative partner comes into play. Ignoring a stated boundary furtively for wholly selfish and greedy reasons is not compromise, healthy or in any way a mature way to approach any difference of opinion in a relationship.

kylith

It's not even a case of what he may or may not do with him. Some people are in the habit of looking through other people's phones and while he may not distribute the images that's not to say that someone he knows would not transfer or mms the photos without the OP's boyfriend's knowledge. Having photos on your phone is not secure. And that's without even getting into the fact that he covertly took photos that he knew she would be uncomfortable with.

If it were me I'd be putting him on his final warning.

LegacyUser

it's a betrayal of trust, invasion of privacy...and I'd question if he shows them to friends or posts them on voyeur sites on the internet

CDfm

steamywindows wrote: »

it's a betrayal of trust, invasion of privacy...and I'd question if he shows them to friends or posts them on voyeur sites on the internet

I don't think from what the OP has posted that the photo's were for anyone elses viewing.

That being the case -it still is something the OP didn't want and it could have been something as simple as someone picking up his phone down in the local or his Ma picking up his phone and seeing the pics. Ordinary nosey stuff people do. Jeez my kids leaf thru my phone and the eldest is 20.

Some people would not mind but the OP does and no matter what her decision should have been respected.Its that simple and basic without anyone building up "internet" scare stories -if she found them others could have.

LegacyUser

If he had pictures of porn on his mobile you would complain. Be complimented by it.

LegacyUser

mencanneverwin eh? Some men like to complain that they're not mindreaders, and would prefer if their girlfriends were upfront with them and told them exactly what they wanted. She TOLD him in very plain English that she doesn't want pictures like that taken. He took pictures without her realising and didn't tell her about them.
What's the point in being upfront with him if he was going to completely disregard her wishes? What other things will she have an issue with that he'll just ignore? You don't give your heart to any old eejit. I know I wouldn't give my heart to someone who shows zero respect for my wishes, just like I wouldn't give a hundred euro to a flake down the local pub (because that'd be the last I see of it!)

Moomoo1

CDfm wrote: »

I don't think from what the OP has posted that the photo's were for anyone elses viewing.

That being the case -it still is something the OP didn't want and it could have been something as simple as someone picking up his phone down in the local or his Ma picking up his phone and seeing the pics. Ordinary nosey stuff people do. Jeez my kids leaf thru my phone and the eldest is 20.

Some people would not mind but the OP does and no matter what her decision should have been respected.Its that simple and basic without anyone building up "internet" scare stories -if she found them others could have.

yes, And also, they weren't horribly pornographic pictures, far from it. If he had covertly snapped her on the beach, wearing almost just as much, she'd have loved it.

Ickle Magoo

Moomoo1 wrote: »

yes, And also, they weren't horribly pornographic pictures, far from it. If he had covertly snapped her on the beach, wearing almost just as much, she'd have loved it.

How can you possibly deem to know what the OP would or would not like? She isn't posting here because she's delighted the lad has a bit of a fetish for covert photography - I think that's a given.

I am a friend

Moomoo1 wrote: »

If he had covertly snapped her on the beach, wearing almost just as much, she'd have loved it.

Ah here, did you enjoy the movie Sliver???

Did you read her first post??? You are justifying this on the basis that he did nothing wrong and she should be flattered and tbh it seems like you are trying to get a reaction as your reasoning is pure codswallop....

Imagine they went to bed that nght and he wanted to have sex but she said no... She fell asleep and he feels her up or has sex with her. She had said she didnt want it but you are effectively saying, should you apply your principals on the photos to this example, that she should be flattered that he fancies her and he did nothing wrong... A drastic example but its the same principal.

An invasion of anyone's privacy is wrong. She made it clear from early on that she didnt want to participate in semi or naked pics etc. He didnt listen and not only this, he as done the same to other girls. He is a pure creep.