Is there anything you would like to say to your parents?

Voltex

Im going to assume that most folks reading this forum are parents.
Im just curious as to what people would like to say to their parents today about anything regarding the way they were brought up..relative to the way you are bringing up your children.
Do you do something different with your kids, simply because you wished your parents did likewise with you?

In my case i find myself purposly giving lots of time to my kids in their games and play. I get down on my hands and knees and try to get on their level and play their games. For example tonight i was playing the role of the fat controller and giving out to Thomas for "causing confusion and delay"!!...it was simple play acting...but I just felt it was important cause I have no memories of either of my parents playing with me like that.

Deliverance

I suppose that the parents before 'us' fought for and sacrificed their freedom so that we as parents now have more time to play with our own kids in a fun way. times were much tougher for 'our parents' but they made sacrifices as parents to make it better.

I would say... thanks to them personally, mostly. Being a parent is the toughest job in the world. At the same time it is the most rewarding. I love it.

littlebug

I'd say thanks too. Mine did the best they could with the resources they had and they worked damned hard. I find myself "parenting" like they did in some respects (minus the really hard work:o). My childhood memories are happy ones

smelltheglove

Yes some I have said some are better left unsaid. I was raised well, with a broken family there were issues, I think fair play to my dad for picking up everything and learning to look after us overnight. Thanks to him for working so hard to keep us in a nice house and give us all we wanted.

I do things differently, I hug my kids all the time, tell them I love them constantly. Previously being a single mother I see my first childs father as friends and family rather than ex, my hubbie behaves the same, no arguing or bickering, united front.

Rockery Woman

Thank you Mammy and Daddy - you raised me well, even through the difficult teenage angst years.

I still have a pathological fear of wooden spoons.....;););)

Love you both! xxxx

di11on

Voltex wrote: »

Do you do something different with your kids, simply because you wished your parents did likewise with you?

Good heavens, every day!

My favourite gripe about my parents is that they thought it would be a good idea to get a girl from my class in school to babysit me (a male) and my two younger sisters.

How idiotic is that? "We have full confidence in you son, now Annie here(a pseudonym to protect all involved :-) ), your classmate will be looking after you and the girls tonight!

I won't be making that mistake!

What's frustrating though, is that my parents will never admit to any wrongdoing whatsoever and it just makes the grievance worse, so I've learned to keep these things to myself.

A lesson there to me for my kids - I don't think we should be afraid to admit when we get things wrong. Kids have a right to be pi$$ed off when me mess up. We have a right to mess up too though, we're not perfect, but we have an obligation to try and get it right, I believe.

Fittle

I'd ask them for a hug:D

There was very little, if any affection shown in my family - I suffered with low self esteem for donkeys years because I never felt loved or lovable.:(

But they were of a different generation with a huge family, and it was more about putting the food on the table than hugging your kids in those days.

Really good question btw, OP.

littlebug

Fittle wrote: »

I'd ask them for a hug:D

There was very little, if any affection shown in my family - I suffered with low self esteem for donkeys years because I never felt loved or lovable.:(

But they were of a different generation with a huge family, and it was more about putting the food on the table than hugging your kids in those days.

Really good question btw, OP.

"Ah there was no such thing as love in them days" (Real quote from older woman in a radio interview when asked if she loved her husband:D).

My family were similar. I remember being asked in school if I loved my parents and I said no because I had not got a clue what it meant (age circa 4-5). I got kept back and got quite a grilling off the teacher about my home life

When I mentioned "resources" above I meant emotional as well as financial resources. Some of that generation just got on with things and their love was an implicit unspoken one.... touchy feely hugginess was completely alien and awkward (still is). I didn't know the difference so I don't think it had any negative impact on me.

How Strange

I think like most 30 something Irish people, I'd have liked to be shown more affection. Yes we felt loved but hugs and physical closeness wasn't a big part of family life.

Above all else I'd like to ask them
why they didn't believe in us more but I now realise that was to do with their own self esteem and how young they were.

Now that I'm about to be a parent I can see that you might not always get it right but for the most part they did their absolute best and sacrificed so much for us so really I'd have to say thank you to them.

newmug

I'd like to thank them. I have big shoes to fill.

Cat Melodeon

I'd like to tell them that I think they were brilliant. They came from nothing, really nothing, and worked their behinds off to put us all through school and college, to give us music lessons, to send us on trips with the school and so on. Our clothes were generally second hand and the house was basic, but we were fed good food, read bedtime stories and tickled til we cried. They were affectionate, loving, strict when necessary, forgiving of us turning into absolute witches when we were teens, and the best parents I could possibly have wished for. I hope to be half as good a parent to my wee boy.

Unfortunately I never put all that into words when I had the chance and both my parents passed away when young. I mean, they knew I loved them but not how much I appreciated them. If you think your parents are great and they are still alive, tell them soon.

wolfpawnat

Sadly didnt have the greatest upbringing. So all I can say is thanks for teaching me how not to rear my son!

But as a result of my family situation I am independent and confident enough in myself to do what I have to to give my son a good life! S0 there is a silver lining to every cloud, no matter how grey

deisemum

I have no memory of ever being hugged by my parents and I don't recall any of my siblings being hugged and we were never praised when we had some success, in fact my mother would have to put the boot in with a negative comment.

As an adult I now realise that my mother is a typical narcissistic mother and she played one off against the other and made my dad's life hell. She tried to turn all of us against him. Even when he was dying she was cruel to him. God love him I hope he finally found peace when he died.

I actively parent in a completely different way to my parents. My children are hugged and told how much they're loved most days. They're having a happy loving childhood and know how important they are to their dad and myself.

di11on

Interesting reading peoples' thoughts. I find it surprising that so many people feel there was little or no affection shown to them by their parents.

For me, it was completely the opposite. There was tons of affection but lack of the actions to back it up. I would have preferred being taken to the zoo than a thousand hugs!

You need both in the right proportions I guess.

Jumbo156

I'd like to tell them that If I do half as good a job with my 2 as they did with their 2 I will be a very happy.

Fittle

di11on wrote: »

Interesting reading peoples' thoughts. I find it surprising that so many people feel there was little or no affection shown to them by their parents.

For me, it was completely the opposite. There was tons of affection but lack of the actions to back it up. I would have preferred being taken to the zoo than a thousand hugs!

You need both in the right proportions I guess.

You sure do.

I went to the zoo for the first time when I was 19...:eek:
So there was no affection AND no zoo.....:(

I'm reading alot lately, about instilling confidence and security in your children....bottom line? It's the hugs and affection that do it. You can talk as much as you want, bring them to the zoo, buy them all the best games, but you have to show them that they are loved...and they'll translate that to being lovable...and they'll go on to be confident adults, with perfect relationships and won't have to come NEAR boards for advice in their future;):rolleyes:

metrovelvet

Fittle wrote: »

You sure do.

I went to the zoo for the first time when I was 19...:eek:
So there was no affection AND no zoo.....:(

I'm reading alot lately, about instilling confidence and security in your children....bottom line? It's the hugs and affection that do it. You can talk as much as you want, bring them to the zoo, buy them all the best games, but you have to show them that they are loved...and they'll translate that to being lovable...and they'll go on to be confident adults, with perfect relationships and won't have to come NEAR boards for advice in their future;):rolleyes:

It's not either or. It's both and.

Fittle

metrovelvet wrote: »

It's not either or. It's both and.

cynder

My dad died last year, i know he was proud of me and he told me that he was sorry for how he treated us as kids. It meant a lot. Unfortunately his parents weren't that kind to him and never apologised or even admitted that they treated him wrong (which they did, they were evil).

My mother and I have a great relationship and I phone her every day to say hello (she lives in the uk).

So no i have nothing to say to my parents as its already been said, actions speak louder than words. Im taking her to Egypt in may for her 60th birthday.

stovelid

Ma: Don't ever wear those Scholl shoes and duffel coat to a school sports day again when I'm trying to look indie.

Otherwise I love you.

di11on

grindelwald wrote: »

... actions speak louder than words....

Too right, words are cheap and can't make up for actions, or lack of them.

wolfpawnat

Love is something that has to be shown and said. I tell my son (19mths) I love him and give him hugs and kisses, as well as ruffle his hair every day. I got none of the above. Its all I ever wanted. And its free! The best thing a child can ever get off their parent, and it doesn't cost a single penny

If you had that, then you had more than a lot of the richest people in the world. Sorry if that is too mushy!

cynder

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Love is something that has to be shown and said. I tell my son (19mths) I love him and give him hugs and kisses, as well as ruffle his hair every day. I got none of the above. Its all I ever wanted. And its free! The best thing a child can ever get off their parent, and it doesn't cost a single penny

If you had that, then you had more than a lot of the richest people in the world. Sorry if that is too mushy!

My dad didn't know how to show he loved us, he could say it alright. The reason is that his parents never loved him, his mother is still alive and never went to his funeral, she couldn't care lass. I hate his parents they were/are evil . They never loved us grand-kids either. Dad was bad with us as kids, but he made up for it when we were adults. My mother is my rock.

After saying that I do find it hard to tell my mom i love her and only reply 'and you too' when they said they loved me. I don't ever recall telling my dad i loved him, I wish i had of done but it was too hard, i wasn't there when he died but he knew i called only a little while before he had a massive bleed and died (in ICU), I know he knew i loved him even though i didn't say it. He knew i cared, something his parents never did.

My kids and my husband are my life, i know i go overboard sometimes but i only get to live once, might as well spoil them occasionally. I do tell them i love them all the time.

Fittle

I so get what you're saying grindewald.

My son is my life, and I don't care who knows it. I've never felt a love like it from the day he was born - that day in the rotunda was, and always will be, the best day of my life - I am still sometimes overwhelmed by my love for him.

I know I 'excused' my folks earlier (who are both long deceased btw) by saying they were of a different generation...but I never got how my mother didn't feel the same about me. Or felt the same, but didn't show it. I'm only speaking from the mums experience here btw, because that's all I know:)

Anyway, maybe I should be saying 'Mum, I forgive you for not knowing the damage you did by never showing that you loved me....'. I think forgiveness sets us all free:)

I should also be saying 'Come on Ireland!!!':D

cynder

Fittle wrote: »

Anyway, maybe I should be saying 'Mum, I forgive you for not knowing the damage you did by never showing that you loved me....'. I think forgiveness sets us all free

':D

Very true, but i cant forgive my grandparents as they never said sorry or even admitted they were cruel to my dad when he was a child and used and abused him as an adult. They never showed remorse, I really do hate them. The funny thing is if his mother admitted it in the morning i would forgive her, but she wont, it never happened none of it. :mad:

I haven't spoken to her in nearly 7 years it was around that time that i became aware of what happened to my dad and he suffered mental health issues as a result of their maltreatment of him, he also abused drugs as a teen and young adult and became an alcoholic (which is typical of abused children) but also meant we as his kids paid the price.

'Nan, I forgive you for not knowing the damage you did by never showing that you loved my dad' i wish i could say it but i cant, because she doesn't care, even now.

I really hope you progress and get past the hurt and pain that my dad never did, it drove him insane, i really feel sorry for him that he had such horrible parents all he even wanted was to be wanted and loved and for his parents to be proud of him. I hope they rot in hell.

Take care fittle and love your kids the way you wanted to be loved, by the sounds of it you are.

wolfpawnat

I know the feeling grindlewald, my mother has been pushed out of my life due to her own actions for over 2 years. In that time she has not met my son nor has she asked to meet him, for a while I was angry, but now I am nothing. I really feel nothing.

I was upset at myself for a while because I realised if she died tomorrow I could not care. Not I would not, I could not. I don't feel as though I am missing out on a relationship with her. I wish I had a mum figure to talk to, but I have never had one so no point grousing!

She is like her mum, which is funny because she hated her mum, but they are one and the same, and my gran died alone in a hospital because of the way she treated her kids!

My other nan is a dote. She has 14 children, and at last count 71 grandchildren and about 18 great grandchildren! When she heard I was pregnant at 21 and in college, she turned around to me and said, "my god, your getting in the practical side of your degree first!" (I am doing nursing to be a midwife!) My cousin got pregnant in her teens to a foreign man, when the baby was born, it was mix raced but no one knew how to tell my nan, she tore into my aunt for not telling her because..........she have bought an outfit that would have suited the little girls skin tone better! This is a 90yo woman from the country! Pity out of the 14 she had I got the only dud of a child for a parent!

cynder

Im not the only one, thanks for sharing. Loads of people had it tough as kids/adults, thankfully I had a great mom.

I think with me its the fact that my dad died and she knew he was dying and that she didnt give a **** and eats me up.

Its been a year so im still raw , but after she is dead and gone (should be sometime soon) I hope then I will feel nothing.

wolfpawnat, best of luck,

Fittle

grindelwald wrote: »

Very true, but i cant forgive my grandparents as they never said sorry or even admitted they were cruel to my dad when he was a child and used and abused him as an adult. They never showed remorse, I really do hate them. The funny thing is if his mother admitted it in the morning i would forgive her, but she wont, it never happened none of it. :mad:

I haven't spoken to her in nearly 7 years it was around that time that i became aware of what happened to my dad and he suffered mental health issues as a result of their maltreatment of him, he also abused drugs as a teen and young adult and became an alcoholic (which is typical of abused children) but also meant we as his kids paid the price.

'Nan, I forgive you for not knowing the damage you did by never showing that you loved my dad' i wish i could say it but i cant, because she doesn't care, even now.

I really hope you progress and get past the hurt and pain that my dad never did, it drove him insane, i really feel sorry for him that he had such horrible parents all he even wanted was to be wanted and loved and for his parents to be proud of him. I hope they rot in hell.

Take care fittle and love your kids the way you wanted to be loved, by the sounds of it you are.

See my mam never 'repented' either. She died when I was early twenties. For years I hated her for what she'd 'done' to me (actually, it was more a case of what she hadn't done). And what do you think happened?

I got depressed.
I got stressed.
I got alopecia.
I got ezcema.

And there she was, lying peacefully...at rest. And I was suffering tremendously because I was using so much of my energy up in 'hating' her.


Of course, in hindsight, I didn't hate her at all. I hated that she coudln't love me - I hated that she wasn't the mother to me that she should, or could have been. But then I dug deeper. And I saw the horrendous life she herself had.

And at about 29, I thought, f*ck this. And the only way for me to move on from the pain, was to forgive her and to try to understand why she was who she was. I used to say the words 'I forgive you mam' in my mind over and over again. But then the day came when I connected emotionally with those words, and really meant them, and my skin became clear and my hair grew back:D

It sounds like american clap-trap (as my mother herself would have said!), but it worked for me. And it's whatever works for you that helps you move on...sorry, more mush:rolleyes:

I think my parents did their best ...my mum would do anything for us... she is not very huggy and kissy and never was... i thing thats just a something to do with her generation. I kiss and hug my children a lot.

When my oldest daughter was in college she sent me a card out of the blue and it said how much she loved me and appreciated all i had done for her i was so touched...when my youngest daughter saw the card she said i love you too then she went to the shop and got me a bar of chocolate!

Voltex

Im taking heart in the fact so many boardies have positive comments about their upbringing.
I dont know how many times myself and my wife have discussed our childhood expieriences both good and bad and came to the same conculsion; that we're far happier that it all happened to us rather than our boys.

metrovelvet

Sometimes the evidence of love is not obvious. My father was old school Irish. No I love yous. No hugs and kisses.

But he got up with me in the mornings when I had to go to school. He had a hot cup of tea ready for me and some toast and he would chat to me and make sure I left on time. This to me was love. It was loved because he cared and he knew how lonely I found school mornings and because he cared enough to make sure I did not miss school. It was also discipline, which he had showed me is a part of love, is doing things you just dont damn well feel like.

My mother and I have always had a troubled friendship. Last year I fell asleep on her couch in the afternoon, and as I was drifting off,she put a blanket over me. I felt this was the most loving thing she has done in many many years.

There is a poem I love because it reminds me to look at the little things. That is all some people can do to express affection and love.

Those Winter Sundays

Sundays too my father got up early
And put his clothes on in the blueback cold,
then with cracked hands that ached
from labor in the weekday weather made
banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.

I'd wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.
When the rooms were warm, he'd call,
and slowly I would rise and dress,
fearing the chronic angers of that house,

Speaking indifferently to him,
who had driven out the cold
and polished my good shoes as well.
What did I know, what did I know
of love's austere and lonely offices?

Robert Hayden

How Strange

Speaking of hugs and parents my mother and I used to have a very difficult relationship. she was always very cold towards me. My dad was always much closer to me and showed as much affection as a man of his generation could.

A couple of years ago my mother took to hugging me. I was sceptical at first thinking it would only last a while but she still does it. I've never really asked her why she started being affectionate to me all of a sudden but I suspect she had some counselling or spoke to a close friend about her relationship with me.

Every day I promise myself I'll never be they kind of a mother to my kids because it's not nice growing up constantly trying to please someone who never appreciates it.

padr81

I think theres not alot i'd say to them, they got everything right in my eyes tbh. Maybe "thanks for making me who I am", all my strengths and weaknesses come from how I was raised.

While my parents like everyone elses weren't perfect, they raised 7 of us pretty well (no psychos, serial killers etc... well not that i know of).

I think most ppl are in a simular situation with regards there father, my dad never once that I can remember did hugs, kisses or even said nice things but he was always there and would I know gladly die for anyone of the 7 of us. When my life was tough (depression etc..) it was hard to suffer it with his comments of "the only way to beat it is to get off ur lazy arse and do something" etc... It was like his way of helping, hurtful at times but he meant well. As much as I love him things like that do stick with me and I make sure to tell my kids every night how much I love them, even by phone now we're not together full time.

Interestingly enough since he's seen how myself and my 2 brothers are affectionate with our kids, he's starting to open up a bit, constantly hugging and kissing his grandkids and much more open in his feelings to us.

I think even 20 years ago it wasn't manly to show affection to your kids. The mother did all that and the father did the work and the discipline.

stovelid

My dad was affectionate when we were children but not at all when I was older and was a very traditional man so I was closer to my mother. While it would have been nice (and I very much want an affectionate and close relationship with my sons) to be closer to my dad, I don't forget that his primary role wasn't to be a friend, but a father. He was very different to many fathers where we grew up: he always worked hard - often too hard; he didn't drink the money away; provided everything he could for us and (with my mum) kept us out of trouble and away from other temptations.

You don't have to be buddies with your kids to be a good parent (and for your kids to love you) although I hope I can do both with my sons.

Klingon Hamlet

Showing me what strength really means: the ability to let our guard down, show your true colours, and cry when you feel like it, and laugh afterwards...

Letting me be me.

Teaching me that making mistakes is the most important part of living.

Loving me even when I was a little b@stard.

Always being there for me whenever I needed them.

Doing what they could when they could to add a little magic to each day.

Crying in front of me---I'll never forget realising they're my parents but they're only human...and THEN realising that makes them superhuman.

Always showing me the bright side of things, even when all hope seems lost.

Movie Nights. I loved them, and my child will too.

All the memories:

• Jurassic Park premiere (and the Supermacs balloon that decided to float up and block the camera lens)
• Picnics in Phoenix park with our toys and the sunshine
• Trips to Mosney and Howth and Bray Head

Helping me be a good dad.

di11on

metrovelvet wrote: »

Sometimes the evidence of love is not obvious. My father was old school Irish. No I love yous. No hugs and kisses.

But he got up with me in the mornings when I had to go to school. He had a hot cup of tea ready for me and some toast and he would chat to me and make sure I left on time. This to me was love. It was loved because he cared and he knew how lonely I found school mornings and because he cared enough to make sure I did not miss school. It was also discipline, which he had showed me is a part of love, is doing things you just dont damn well feel like.

My mother and I have always had a troubled friendship. Last year I fell asleep on her couch in the afternoon, and as I was drifting off,she put a blanket over me. I felt this was the most loving thing she has done in many many years.

There is a poem I love because it reminds me to look at the little things. That is all some people can do to express affection and love.

Those Winter Sundays

Sundays too my father got up early
And put his clothes on in the blueback cold,
then with cracked hands that ached
from labor in the weekday weather made
banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.

I'd wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.
When the rooms were warm, he'd call,
and slowly I would rise and dress,
fearing the chronic angers of that house,

Speaking indifferently to him,
who had driven out the cold
and polished my good shoes as well.
What did I know, what did I know
of love's austere and lonely offices?

Robert Hayden

I would have preferred this kind of meaningful, action backed love growing up than all the hugs and kisses in the world.

username123

My parents had a troubled marriage, a difficult life, and my father suffered with severe alcoholism which sucked away his personality and turned him into a monster. I was estranged from them both for a couple of years before they died although my relationnship with me fathher was destroyed by alcohol years before that.

In saying that, when we were young they tried very hard to love us, teach us good values, and help us when they could. both of them were very generous people and my father thought nothing of paying for a gang of kids to play snooker or go to rainbow rapids - and wasnt bothered when the favour wasnt returned. My mother would talk to us for hours and tell us stories of her youth and how the world had changed. Both of them were proud of us for any achievements we made and were comforting in the face of any failures. They taught us good discipline and my mother passed on her cooking skills, my father passed on ambition, and both passed on intelligence and a love of books, documentaries and academic persuits.

A lot of my memories are now coloured with the dreadful events that went on when the alcohol took over, but as time passes I find it easier and easier to look back and see the good stuff too.

Although it may sound odd - I have learned as a woman to be independant (both financially and emotionally) as a result of my mother not being so, I have learned to be an equal in my marraige as a result of her not being so, and I have learned to stay away from alcohol from my fathers destructive slide into its grip.

I think my parents tried their best but they lost their way.

Fittle

I just wanted to say that that's a lovely post username123. It really is..

I've done alot of work around forgiveness, purely so I can move on. And I have so many negative memories of my folks. But I think it's about perspective.

My mother also spoke alot about days gone by and how things had changed...my dad was also an alcoholic, but was one of those less obvious alcoholics, who went to the pub every nite (so was absent) and fell home so drunk that he could barely speak. But it meant that there was no trouble (from him anyway) in the home. So often, alcoholics bring so much trouble and fighting...as is their 'package' (I've a few brothers who would fall into that category, so I know what I'm talking about)...

But my perspective on my life was so different to yours - but you've given me alot to think about, so thanks for that.

username123

Fittle wrote: »

But my perspective on my life was so different to yours - but you've given me alot to think about, so thanks for that.

Aw thanks Fittle. Its taken me a long time to come round to forgiveness but I am getting there bit by bit. It helps me too because the more I can forgive the less nasty baggage I have to carry around with me - otherwise I could be very bitter and angry - but who wants to feel bitter and angry all the time eh?

caprilicious

Cat Melodeon wrote: »

I'd like to tell them that I think they were brilliant. They came from nothing, really nothing, and worked their behinds off to put us all through school and college, to give us music lessons, to send us on trips with the school and so on. Our clothes were generally second hand and the house was basic, but we were fed good food, read bedtime stories and tickled til we cried. They were affectionate, loving, strict when necessary, forgiving of us turning into absolute witches when we were teens, and the best parents I could possibly have wished for. I hope to be half as good a parent to my wee boy.

Beautifully put Cat Melodeon, I really couldn't put it better myself.

I would also tell them sorry from the bottom of my heart for the hurt and worry I caused them when I was younger & apologise for not being better at expressing how much they both mean to me & how lost I be without them both.