Just can't change my spots

LegacyUser

Going unreg

I'm an as5hole.

All my life I have never being faithful to any of my girlfriends. Not one. I was seeing someone else when I met my current gf. Most of my relationship have overlapped in this fashion.

My current gf is wonderful, she is smart, funny and very hot. I love her very much and we are engaged to be married. I'm just 30 and she is a few years younger. I thought that this girl was the one and still do. We have being making plans for a family and a life together. I had not done the dirt on her since we started going out two years ago. However I have recently started working with a girl and we soon began kissing and the likes. no sex. I think the reason I did it this time is that I work in a male dominated industry and the girl in question is very hot and I was trying to prove to myself and to others that I could have the girl if i wanted her... and it appears I can

Drink was involved but I know that is no excuse. I just can't believe I have started fooling around again. It is like i am completely incapable of being monogamous.

Allot of my friends who are married have sex "with a bit of strange" any chance they get. I never judged them but always though that when I met the one it would be different for me.

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be monogamous and its getting me down. I have spoken to a few friends who are married and they all say that they started out with the best intentions but it is crazy to think someone can be with only one person for the rest of their days. They all said "just don't get caught".


I doubt I will get an sympathy here but I was wondering if there are any other people on here who have entered into a marriage or family situation with no intention of being faithful?

Susie_Q

Sorry OP, but I'm truly disgusted. If you're already planning on cheating on your future wife BEFORE you're even married then that's horrendous.

If you want to sleep with other people during your marriage it has to be with your wife's consent. You've already cheated on her with this girl in work (for pathetic reasons, might I add) and now you're thinking of cheating some more.

If you have any backbone then tell your fiancee what you have done and that you might do it again. Give her all the information so that she can make an informed decision about her future before you get married. If you really love her as you say you do, then you owe her this at the very least.

yaya*

leopardspots wrote: »

I think the reason I did it this time is that I work in a male dominated industry and the girl in question is very hot and I was trying to prove to myself and to others that I could have the girl if i wanted her... and it appears I can

?

This jumped out at me - why do you have to prove anything to other people? What do you have to prove to yourself either? To me, it sounds like that old chestnut, low self-esteem? You shouldn't have to 'prove' anything to other people.

davyjose

OP, do you think you might have self esteem issues. If you need "to prove" things, either to others or (probably more so) to yourself, then it sounds like that could be the case.
Cognitive therapy might really help you get to the bottom of this "bad habit", if you will. It's worth a shot, if you really feel you can't change.

Susie Q, most people don't post on here to disgust you, or impress you, they post for help, or advice. The guy came here because he doesn't want to hurt his fiance, not the other way around.

beks101

It sounds like you're missing the thrill of the chase, accompanied by poor self esteem.

Maybe you've used your ability to 'get the girl' as a form of self-validation over the years and now that you're out of the game, you're struggling with the low self-esteem that you've never really allowed yourself to see before.

It's no excuse for cheating on someone you love and intend to spend the rest of your life with, and I think you know she's worth more than the self-defeating attitude you have about your cheating. You owe it to her to get to the root of it and stop it. Whether it's CBT or counselling or a new hobby or whatever...you're the best person to know how to help yourself here.

And fcuk your friends, seriously. I think your married friends are serving as a back-up to you on your thinking and trust me, no amount of cheating or straying that any one of them does is going to make it OK for you to get into a sham of a marriage where you have no intention of being faithful to a woman you love. It's NOT ok, it's NOT something 'most married men' do and it's DEFINITELY going to end badly for both you and your girlfriend in the long run.

Wagon

Stop acting like a bellend and tell your girlfriend you cheated and let her decide what she wants.

She might leave you but thats life. Live with the consequences.

mikemac

You don't deserve your girlfriend

And where's this macho male environment where you work? Are you a derivative trader in the city or something?
You don't have to prove anything to anyone, that goes to your low self esteem.

OP, you probably will disregard the posts here so all I'll say is fastforward five years and you are married with children.
Keep this act up, you will be caught and I'll be reading your posts living in a bedsit or apartment wondering where it all went wrong and you have no access to your children.
Well you did ask about family situation in Post 1

Follow the advice on your self esteem in the posts above

LighterGuy

Im not going to eat your head off as other users might.

But op, realise that "people do what they want in life" - so all these actions, all this cheating. its because its what you want. There is no other reasons besides your desires. You say you have a hot girlfriend, love her and are also engaged. You want your cake here. Lets call a spade a spade.

So do you really feel bad?
Or is all this (the thread, the talk with friends) for your own conscience?
You would be suprised how many people cheat then "feel bad" afterwards. But that quickly goes. As powerful as a persons conscience can be, it will never be able to compete with a persons desires.


Personally Op, I dont see you changing your ways until you loose something you dont want to from all these actions (Perhaps your current gf? perhaps something else... perhaps you getting cheated on)


My personal two cents is: all this thread is just for your conscience because its screaming up at you now. I reckon you'll just end up lying to it. Perhaps telling it you will be "faithful" - but only until you cheat with someone else or have sex with this girl in your job.

LegacyUser

Some people dont believe in monogamy. Google polyamory and ask your girlfriend what she might think of that kind of relationship. Maybe it is a solution for both of you.

Beruthiel

Just can't change my spots

That's a cop out comment if ever I heard one.
What you should have said was "I don't want to change my spots"
With enough will and strength anyone can change if they wish to.
You're a grown man with two choices.
Stay with your g/f, grow up and act like the man she expects you to be.
Or,
finish with her and go live the life of a single man.

You can't have your cake and eat it.

Taltos

OP

you really come across in your post as immature and easily led.

You CHOOSE to cheat.
But you feel that you have to justify it with your meaningless excuses:
> male dominated
> all my friends do it on the side

You know - who cares what your mates are up to?
Sometimes who we hang around with says alot more about us than it does about them. Maybe you feel better hanging out with prats who can't keep it in their trousers...

I strongly suggest you end it now. Going ahead with this marriage is not fair on this woman. Also suggest you take some time alone and try to figure out why you continually feel you have to destroy what you have - cause that is what you have done. Whether she finds out or not you have now tainted / spoiled what you have.

Your excuses make me as mad as those guys that claim they have high drives / sex addicts. You know we have a thing called self control - I know (gawd do I ever) how tough it can be sometimes - but and its a big BUT - either you love & respect your relationship or you don''t.

Who knows - maybe it is all a self-esteem thing with you - this makes you feel better about yourself - but don't you also feel like a right piece of sh!te too??? Drop both and as above take time to figure out why you do this - and how to stop...
Put yourself in your fiance's shoes - how would you feel if you found out she was copping off with a work-mate...

LegacyUser

No, there is not only two choices. Maybe the girlfriend want to have the freedom to kiss random guys at work(...) as well. However, the OP might not be as comfortable with that as he is with himself doing it. If not, he is a fraud. And he should start listening to the advice about selfesteem etc. However, it that would be fine withhim, I suggest he start looking into polyamory, as it is not an immoral thing to choose as a way of life, if both parties, and all other parties subsequently involved, are aware and cool with that.

Monogamy has been there for many different reasons in society, for example inability to prevent pregnancy, but many of those reasons are not viable anymore, except the possible emotional impact. Since he does not already have a family, and even if he did and all parties were ok with it, I'd say this time that we live in offers more freedom and choice than only having to comply with traditional values, which if not comlied with, does not hurt anyone.

Sanjuro

Sorry, OP, but all you're doing is making excuses and pretending your incapacity to cop on is out of your hands. You know what you're doing is wrong before you do it. But you make the conscious choice to do it anyway. It's not out of your hands. You do it and then you pretend you're the victim. Man up and admit to your girlfriend what you did. Maybe when you've been rightly kicked to the curb, then you can start accepting responsibility and trying to change.

dan_d

Do your friends tell you they have sex or do you actually know this for a fact?

And if they jumped off a 16 story building would you follow them?

Grow up OP, you're disgusting. Tell your fiancee what you did, spare both of you years of misery, let her find a guy who's actually a man. And then you go away and learn to be a man, instead of a teenager who only thinks with his ego - the one between his legs.

Beruthiel

polyamory wrote: »

No, there is not only two choices. Maybe the girlfriend want to have the freedom to kiss random guys at work(...) as well.

They are together two years. Surely if she were interested in that, the topic would have already come up?

LegacyUser

OP here.

Well the replies were much what i expected and to be honest I fell like telling most of you to go fcuk yourselves but I wont because i do feel some valid points have been made regards my self esteem.

I do have a big ego and pretty low self esteem.

I am good looking and successful and have always being popular with the fairer sex. But my feelings of self worth has always being directly proportional with how many women I was having sex with over the years. If I was getting laid every weekend with a different girl I would feel great about myself and felt I was showing everybody how "much of a man" i was. If I had not gotten laid in a while I would start to feel down and feel like I had "lost it".

In my early twenties I got involved with the whole race to be the first centurion out of my friend. I wasn't the first but i did get there in the end.

But in the last few years I have realised how shallow this sort of behavior is and that i had to stop equating happiness with my strike rate. I do not think that I am a sex addict because i always prefer sex in a relationship rather than a one night stand ( i also think "sex addict" i a total cop out)

So when I met my current gf I swore that things would be different and they have being in comparison to how I used to be. The thing is she knew me well before we got together and was well aware of my reputation so I think it is kinda naive of her to think I would change over night.

I do feel bad about what I've done but as i said it was only a kiss so I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Its just that is was so easy to go back to my old ways that I started to think that is was ridiculous that i could pass up an opportunity if it came along in the future.

I'm not going to tell my gf because I'm not a fcuking idiot. She would never agree to an open relationship.

I don't really know what I'm going to do to be honest.

Taltos

Whatever you do - suggest you stop making out she has some fault here...

leopardspots wrote: »

The thing is she knew me well before we got together and was well aware of my reputation so I think it is kinda naive of her to think I would change over night.

Quality

Look I think a lot more people have affairs than you would think.

But most people arent gonna come on here and talk about it and big it up cause they know they are gonna be slashed down by the morality police.

Listen if you love this girl, dont tell her, just get on with it and try to make a bit of an effort.

i honestly believe that you can love more than two persons at the one time and sexual desire can be pretty strong.

Just have a bit of cop on.... dont sh!t on your doorstep and if you are gonna ride someone else, always use protection.

sickofwaiting

As much as people don't like to hear it, fact is nearly every man has cheated or will cheat. It is actually unnatural for a guy to spend his whole life with one women. You have thousands of years worth of evolution telling you to have sex with as many women as possible, that is why almost every single guy out there cheats or would do so under the right circumstances (such as being sure of not getting caught). I know this from my own friends, all bar one of whom have cheated, including two who you would never think it (one is in a 12+ year relationship) but both told me a similar thing when they had few pints - 'it was just a once off and I couldnt pass it up'.

Tbh, Id say the only time guys stop cheating is when they hit their mid forties and no longer have the same pulling power or the same opportunities. I got married last year and have kept a clean slate so far (since we got married, did a bit of dirt while we were going out) but I realise eventually a day will come where a situation will arise and I will not be able to pass it up, its just a fact of life.

Taltos

Quality wrote: »

Look I think a lot more people have affairs than you would think.

Believe that people use that argument all the time to justify their inability to keep it in their pants.

Most people might be tempted - but the overwhelming number of people I currently work with I know for a fact are not having affairs. But again I am generalising - something I think you are doing.

Some people have affairs - some do not. Without research any % I place on these numbers is pure speculation and may be correct for just my sub-set of friends, and not for yours.

To me it is simple.
If you want to behave and carry on like a single-ton - then be honest - split up and have the lifestyle you crave.

sickofwaiting wrote: »

As much as people don't like to hear it, fact is nearly every man has cheated or will cheat. It is actually unnatural for a guy to spend his whole life with one women.

As a guy who is with the same woman now 17 yrs and never cheated not even kissed another woman once in that time I am offended by your generalization. But again - whatever you need to convince yourself of what you say...

Penn

Taltos wrote: »

Whatever you do - suggest you stop making out she has some fault here...

Agreed. You are at fault here OP, no one else. If you've found the girl for you and are willig to spend the rest of your life with her, then congratulations. Why would you try to mess it up? Yes, try. Because it takes a lot more effort to cheat on someone than to not cheat on them. As someone already said, you can easily change your spots. Giving up just seems to indicate that you don't really want to. You know what you're doing is wrong, and you know how much it will hurt your girlfriend, yet you still kissed that other girl. Was it worth it?

I'm not saying you should confess to your girlfriend, but you owe it to her to either dump her and go off sleeping with anything that comes along, or be the man she deserves and stay faithful.

liah

OP, stop trying to justify the betrayal of trust in your head.

You CHOSE to enter a monogamous relationship with a girl. You fully knew your own history, and you probably knew you'd cheat on this girl. You entered this relationship with all knowledge.

You are lying to her. Plain and simple. The terms of contract were that you were both going to remain monogamous. You have changed the rules and not informed her. This is NOT fair.

Have a modicum of respect for this poor girl and just tell her you cannot stay monogamous. I don't care who people shag, how many they shag, or how many at once they shag, as long as all parties involved are fully aware of what they're getting themselves into. That is not the case here and THAT is what makes it wrong. Messing around with others isn't inherently wrong. Lies and deception are.

Why on earth would you enter into an exclusive relationship knowing full well you were going to cheat? Why would you not just have waited until you found a girl who was up for an open relationship? Or why would you not just stay single?

It makes no sense. If you want to shag other people, DON'T make a commitment to someone and then lie to their face. It's cruel, disrespectful, and incredibly selfish.

Beruthiel

leopardspots wrote: »

Well the replies were much what i expected and to be honest I fell like telling most of you to go fcuk yourselves

Why is that exactly?

I am good looking and successful and have always being popular with the fairer sex.

That doesn't make you anything special you know.

But my feelings of self worth has always being directly proportional with how many women I was having sex with over the years.

Self worth comes from within and respecting the kind of person you are.

If I was getting laid every weekend with a different girl I would feel great about myself and felt I was showing everybody how "much of a man" i was.

Having sex with a bunch of different women doesn't make you a man.

The thing is she knew me well before we got together and was well aware of my reputation so I think it is kinda naive of her to think I would change over night.

BS.
That's not the way your g/f sees it.
She most likely believes that you've been with a load of different women but that you picked her because she's the one for you and the others meant nothing.

I do feel bad about what I've done but as i said it was only a kiss

If it's 'only' a kiss, why are you here in PI posting unregged about it?

I don't really know what I'm going to do to be honest.

Think it through logically.
Your g/f isn't interested in sharing you with anyone else.
Can you live with that?
Yes? Then put it behind you and don't do it again.
No?
Then finish with her and let her find someone who cares enough to be faithful to her.

seamus

leopardspots wrote: »

It is like i am completely incapable of being monogamous.

Not incapable. Unwilling. You have the ability to choose. You choose to cheat. So either figure out why or stop getting into relationships.

What this really boils down to is your attitude towards women. They are things to be "won", spoils of the chase to show off to your mates, and rarely do you consider them to be equal human beings. Their feelings are less important than yours. You have no respect for your fiance's feeling because if you did, you wouldn't be doing what you're doing. Your own ego is more important to you than showing basic respect for your fiance.

A real man is one who treats his woman with respect and considers her an equal. Not one who can boast about bedding a hundred women or cheating on his girlfriend. Those kinds of men are cowards in reality, who need the constant feedback of others to provide them with self-confidence instead of generating their own confidence.

Get help. Speak to a professional, because you have problems.

Allot of my friends who are married have sex "with a bit of strange" any chance they get. I never judged them but always though that when I met the one it would be different for me.

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be monogamous and its getting me down. I have spoken to a few friends who are married and they all say that they started out with the best intentions but it is crazy to think someone can be with only one person for the rest of their days. They all said "just don't get caught".

First off, stop talking to these people. Most of the married or long-term attached people I know have never cheated. To the best of my knowledge of course, but I would say hand-on-heart that none of them have done more than a single drunken kiss in a bar and then probably wallowed in terror and self-loathing for weeks. You are using the behaviour of your friends to justify what you're doing. No, most married people don't cheat, and they certainly don't cheat on a regular basis.

Dr. Zeus

Hi OP,

Obviously, your self-esteem is an issue here. I think it runs a bit deeper and the sex piece is just the red herring. From reading your post I think deep down you really don't feel you deserve this girl or to be happy so you go about sabotaging your happiness/relationship and pin it on your high sex drive or whatever.

People generally do what makes them happy. Are you happy about how you are behaving - doesn't sound like it.

Cheating is not always about the sex. There is often unconscious emotional stuff being played out. Do you know how to have an intimate relationship with gf leaving the sex out of it?

Tell this girl before you marry - what you are doing is really unfair to her. If you did love her at all you wouldn't treat her like this. Don't be a coward. If you marry and continue like this your gf will find out, the truth always comes out.

I just don't understand why people who marry or are in commited relationship cheat? Why not stay single and do what you want without the lying and betrayal. Wanting you cake and eating it just so self centred.

Dr. Zeus

sickofwaiting wrote: »

. I got married last year and have kept a clean slate so far (since we got married, did a bit of dirt while we were going out) but I realise eventually a day will come where a situation will arise and I will not be able to pass it up, its just a fact of life.

You have just been married one year and you have made up your mind more or less that you will cheat. Why did you get married in the first place? You were obviously cheating before you got married and seem proud of the fact that you have stayed faithful to your wife for a year!

I don't think it's a fact of life as you say it, what a cop out.

I am not judging you but find that attitude depressing.

Sanjuro

sickofwaiting wrote: »

As much as people don't like to hear it, fact is nearly every man has cheated or will cheat. It is actually unnatural for a guy to spend his whole life with one women. You have thousands of years worth of evolution telling you to have sex with as many women as possible, that is why almost every single guy out there cheats or would do so under the right circumstances (such as being sure of not getting caught). I know this from my own friends, all bar one of whom have cheated, including two who you would never think it (one is in a 12+ year relationship) but both told me a similar thing when they had few pints - 'it was just a once off and I couldnt pass it up'.

Tbh, Id say the only time guys stop cheating is when they hit their mid forties and no longer have the same pulling power or the same opportunities. I got married last year and have kept a clean slate so far (since we got married, did a bit of dirt while we were going out) but I realise eventually a day will come where a situation will arise and I will not be able to pass it up, its just a fact of life.

What a load of rubbish. Have you met, interviewed and know every single man on earth? Then such generalisations are ludicrous. Yes, there are some men out there who would cheat given some circumstances. There are some who will cheat no matter the consequences. But to suggest that every man will try it in the right situation is wrong. Surprisingly, some of us think cheating is abhorrent and wouldn't do it to someone we care about. And this notion of 'men stop cheating in their mid-forties.' I dunno where you pulled that idea out of, but it's wrong.

OP, if you respect your girlfriend, which you claim to do, but your own evidence suggests otherwise, tell her. Stop trying to shift the blame onto everything else. It's your nature? Rubbish. Humans are violent creatures but we don't go around murdering each other. We exercise control. Your girlfriend knew you before you started dating so that to some extent excuses you? That shows just shows a lack of respect for her. Take responsibility for your actions and stop hiding behind excuses.

Bottle_of_Smoke

sickofwaiting wrote: »

As much as people don't like to hear it, fact is nearly every man has cheated or will cheat. It is actually unnatural for a guy to spend his whole life with one women. You have thousands of years worth of evolution telling you to have sex with as many women as possible, that is why almost every single guy out there cheats or would do so under the right circumstances (such as being sure of not getting caught). I know this from my own friends, all bar one of whom have cheated, including two who you would never think it (one is in a 12+ year relationship) but both told me a similar thing when they had few pints - 'it was just a once off and I couldnt pass it up'.

Tbh, Id say the only time guys stop cheating is when they hit their mid forties and no longer have the same pulling power or the same opportunities. I got married last year and have kept a clean slate so far (since we got married, did a bit of dirt while we were going out) but I realise eventually a day will come where a situation will arise and I will not be able to pass it up, its just a fact of life.

Depressingly enough I find I agree with most of what you're saying. Only thing I'd add is I also think the instinct is in women to sleep with different men too.

The problem with these threads is people who feel outraged by the OPs behaviour and have been faithful in relationships themselves are far more likely to post, even though they are a minority in the real world.

The important thing to remember(and I think the OP knows this) is billions of years of evolution does not justify breaking the social contract of staying faithful, though they do make it more likely.

OP I think you would be best in a relationship where swinging is understood and allowed. Whilst low self esteem might be a factor in you wanting to f*ck everything with a vagina I don't think it is the only factor.

Nevyn

Beruthiel wrote: »

They are together two years. Surely if she were interested in that, the topic would have already come up?

Not necessarily, many people have no idea about Polyamory and those types of relationship and so it takes them a while to figure out that they are polyamorous and how to manage that while being in a ethical, fair and honest relationship with the people they wish to be intimate with.

Cheating is not on be a person polyamorous or monogamous, so he needs to stop and figure out what he needs in his life and if it is to be polyamorous then to stop messing his gf around and find someone who is ok with that.

tinkerbell

sickofwaiting wrote: »

As much as people don't like to hear it, fact is nearly every man has cheated or will cheat.

That statement is pure and utter crap.

OP, you need to stop acting like a single guy. For god's sake, you asked your girlfriend to marry you. Regardless of what you say that she knew your reputation before she started going out with you, that means nothing. Presumably she now thinks that you have settled down and want to be in an exclusive relationship. I mean you proposed to her!

So you get all soppy and lovey dovey with her, and then once a hot girl starts working in your office, you're all over her like she's the only woman you have ever seen in your life? You are completely immature, you need to man up and start acting like a man. As others have said, just because you have slept with loads of women, doesn't make you a man. In fact the reasons why you are sleeping with loads of women is pathetic. Also, someone else said that self-worth comes from within, you ain't gonna get that by jumping into bed with the next available girl that bats her eyelashes at you.

So stop acting like such an a$$ and tell your girlfriend that you are a cheat and a liar and she can dump you and find someone who is worthy of her attention. Because right now she's wasting her time on you when you're off screwing other women. How would you feel if she was doing the dirt on you?

And as for the "can't change my behaviour" statement - that is BS. Yes you can. You are choosing to cheat, nobody is holding a gun to your head. And I don't understand why you felt you had to prove yourself in front of your office peers that you could get the hot girl, jees doesn't say much for how professional your work environment is.

kylith

leopardspots wrote: »

I don't really know what I'm going to do to be honest.

Well, you have two choices: You can either be a scumbag and continue cheating on your gf, or you can man up and be faithful. That's what it is: a choice. There's no-one on the planet ever cheated by accident.

There is no 'having sex with lots of women is my nature, I can't help it', that's a bs excuse used by cowards who feel that that's what they have to do to impress the wankstains that they hang around with. Being a man, a real man, means making the choice to be faithful to one person, and if you don't have the balls to tell your so-called 'mates' to f'ck off then you're no kind of man at all.

spinandscribble

I always find it amusing that some boys think they're big men for cheating. Yeah temptation might be there but it takes more will power, self confidence and respect for others to stay faithful. When I hear of guys cheating I think "what a weak guy".

op theres also the chance your ego is too big and you feel justified in your actions. The way you call your girlfriend naive, shifting the blame demonstrates this. You suggest this is the way all your mates are so you might as well join them (if they even have cheated btw, they probably just want to talk trash) and refer to your cheating as leopards spots, its all excuses.
If this is a genuine thread, you know this isn't right to do to your gf.

I just want to know what if your gf cheated on you? Told you all her mates were at it and its her way? Or would that be wrong because she's a woman?

Curry Addict

OP, sounds like you have very little capacity to love another. thats probably because u need to get over your love for yourself first.

sickofwaiting

tinkerbell wrote: »

That statement is pure and utter crap.

I'm sorry but how in the name of god would you know? You are a woman, men don't divulge this stuff to women. The gf is always 'the last to know'....in fact most of them never know at all. None of my friends have been caught cheating. From the guys that have done it once or twice to the guys who are at it the whole time and have been for years....

I had more written out but I deleted it, there is no point in giving the whole game away and causing hassle for my fellow men out there...

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I dont feel like beating you up i think you deserve a bit of credit for wanting to deal with this, dont stop now keep pushing till you find the answers, i think it is something you cannot control right now, you are in a negative pattern, built on macho male society and you obviously have a conscience which has underlining guilt, if anything try resolve this for you, this is out of control, its an old immature habit perpetuated by your immature mates not all people are like this, many people have mature loving relationships i do and we worked hard for it but its worth it to have a free conscience and to be able to respect your partner, and a true man would be able to honour and respect his wife, i dont think it is too late!

If you can get control of it now, then you could redeem yourself, you need help with it though, you need to work it out and get to the root cause of it, once you do that you can then identify the silly things you are saying to yourself to chase a girl, for what? if you have the epitome of hotness and the girl of your dreams then you dont need to look any further, you are also choosing girls that are naive because if i was going out with you id have you sussed in a minute, it sounds like the typical middleclass society, men dominate and women look pretty, there is a whole other world out there and not all relationships are like that,

but anyway, is there a deeper pattern with this, was your father like this too, that is quite often the case, it builds the excuses and justification of it, if you want to change this you can, see a therapist, take time out from your mates, this is all part of growing up and taking responsibility for yourself and your life, this is putting you first and the future of your family, whats more important than that? The low self esteem side of you will choose the easy way and not change but the mature, responsible, real man would love himself enough to have the best life he could have, your family will be everything to you in the future, work it through now and have a good life,

I worked though a lot of stuff and grew up and lost a lot of my olds mates, be prepared to loose them if you have to, put you GF and yourself first, are you not sick of the macho thing and being around it so much, if you dont grow out of it then you will always be a cheat. It like an alcho, he doesnt hang around with alcholics when he is trying to stay sober, you might have to make some similar decisions, anyway dont give up! your worth more than those macho saps, please get the help you need and learn to respect you future wife!

LegacyUser

sickofwaiting wrote: »

As much as people don't like to hear it, fact is nearly every man has cheated or will cheat. It is actually unnatural for a guy to spend his whole life with one women. You have thousands of years worth of evolution telling you to have sex with as many women as possible, that is why almost every single guy out there cheats or would do so under the right circumstances (such as being sure of not getting caught). I know this from my own friends, all bar one of whom have cheated, including two who you would never think it (one is in a 12+ year relationship) but both told me a similar thing when they had few pints - 'it was just a once off and I couldnt pass it up'.

Tbh, Id say the only time guys stop cheating is when they hit their mid forties and no longer have the same pulling power or the same opportunities. I got married last year and have kept a clean slate so far (since we got married, did a bit of dirt while we were going out) but I realise eventually a day will come where a situation will arise and I will not be able to pass it up, its just a fact of life.

Thats a very inaccurate view, you must live in a very small circle of people, of course there are mature committed relationships out there, im in one for the last 14 years, we just seemed content when we got together and neither of us even thought of it because we saw no reason for it, the way we saw it was -if you find someone you love and they are everything you want then why look any further?

A lot people eventually grow out of the chase, your not a man if you cheat you are an immature little boy and going from the OP's post you can see thats exactly how he is behaving,

he has guilt then because his conscience creeps in, for anyone! man or woman, you want to have respect for yourself first and foremost, perpetuating the macho image is just so boring...... like is it not time to try something different lads, how about getting some self esteem and having the courage to really love someone, because thats the real underlining fear, the real intimacy of a relationship scares the sh!t out of people!

But grow a real pair of Balls, be a real man, step up and commit.

Curry Addict

sickofwaiting wrote: »

I'm sorry but how in the name of god would you know? You are a woman, men don't divulge this stuff to women. The gf is always 'the last to know'....in fact most of them never know at all. None of my friends have been caught cheating. From the guys that have done it once or twice to the guys who are at it the whole time and have been for years....

I had more written out but I deleted it, there is no point in giving the whole game away and causing hassle for my fellow men out there...

i think she knows alright.
its well know, that there is a certain breed of imature men out there, who are still stuck in puberty mentality and dont evolve much beyond that. its sad to live such a limited life, with such a narrow perspective but thats nature i guess and at least its only a small proportion of men.

Penn

sickofwaiting wrote: »

I'm sorry but how in the name of god would you know? You are a woman, men don't divulge this stuff to women. The gf is always 'the last to know'....in fact most of them never know at all. None of my friends have been caught cheating. From the guys that have done it once or twice to the guys who are at it the whole time and have been for years....

I had more written out but I deleted it, there is no point in giving the whole game away and causing hassle for my fellow men out there...

Don't lump us in with you. The vast majority of the guys I know haven't cheated. Now, you may say "Well they just haven't told you" or "They will cheat in the future". If that's the case, then good luck OP. Enjoy being single and lonely for the rest of your life. Because you will get found out, and you will lose your girlfriend if you can't shake this notion you have that its okay or that evolution says we should cheat.

We are not animals. We have evolved to the point where we can make justified decisions without resorting to some sort of animal instinct.

Some men cheat. Some women cheat. But here's the thing, MOST don't. If you don't believe that then I pity you because you have a terrible view of the world. But most of all, I pity your girlfriend, because she has no idea what she's let herself in for.

Leave her or stay faithful. It is actually quite a simple choice. And yes, it is a choice.

Dr. Zeus

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

Don't lump us in with you. The vast majority of the guys I know haven't cheated. Now, you may say "Well they just haven't told you" or "They will cheat in the future". If that's the case, then good luck OP. Enjoy being single and lonely for the rest of your life. Because you will get found out, and you will lose your girlfriend if you can't shake this notion you have that its okay or that evolution says we should cheat.

We are not animals. We have evolved to the point where we can make justified decisions without resorting to some sort of animal instinct.

Some men cheat. Some women cheat. But here's the thing, MOST don't. If you don't believe that then I pity you because you have a terrible view of the world. But most of all, I pity your girlfriend, because she has no idea what she's let herself in for.

Leave her or stay faithful. It is actually quite a simple choice. And yes, it is a choice.

+1
Well said.

Sickofwaiting it obviously suits your agenda to believe that all men cheat because that's what you ultimately want to do. Setting yourself up to have your cake and eat it. So to avoid taking a look at yourself and take repsonsibility for your actions you've deluded yourself into believing that everyone is at it or surrounded yourself with people who cheat. That's like saying everyone takes drugs on a night out. No, they don't but people who take drug tends to hang with other users - creates a false reality.

Water always find it's own level.So maybe all these friends you refer to are weak and selfish maybe you are too. Maybe you need to expand your circle get a more balanced view. I am sure you weren't forced to get married so why did you even bother if you went into with that warped attitude? Your wife deserves more respect and to be with a grown up.

tinkerbell

sickofwaiting wrote: »

I'm sorry but how in the name of god would you know? You are a woman, men don't divulge this stuff to women. The gf is always 'the last to know'....in fact most of them never know at all. None of my friends have been caught cheating. From the guys that have done it once or twice to the guys who are at it the whole time and have been for years....

I had more written out but I deleted it, there is no point in giving the whole game away and causing hassle for my fellow men out there...

And how in the name of god would you know? What you are saying is ridiculous. Have you spoken to every single man on this earth? Just because you have a circle of friends who are cheats and liars doesn't mean that the rest of the population of men are also cheats and liars. That's the most generalised crap I have ever read on here. And I pity that you are living in such a narrow-minded bubble.

The fact is women cheat, men cheat but not everyone does. And I totally agree with what the previous two posters said in response to your wild statement. You have a completely immature view of the world. Most men can keep their trousers on you know, they don't just drop it at every whim. I pity your wife to say she's married to a guy like you who thinks it is ok to cheat eventually since you are deluded enough to think that everyone does it, so you should be able to too. Oh and your friends sound like a real bunch of keepers :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

OP here.

Well I told the girl in work today that our kissing was a mistake and it will not be happening again. She didn't seem to mind either way and I have decided to redouble my efforts to be faithful to me gf. Although I still feel that the idea of one woman for the rest of my days is not possible.

Well after being ravaged by the moral police who seem to think the world is full of wonderful faithful people it was good to read a few post from men who seem to have a bit of experience in the real world.

And in that real world people cheat, men, women all the time. I didn't expect people to post on here and say " oh yea I cheat from time to time, no big deal etc...." because why would they? But that does not mean that an awful lot don't cheat.

A poster asked whether i came from a family where cheating was going on. Well no. My father never cheated on my mother and they have been happily married for nearly 40 years. My own brother was completely faithful to his wife and she ran off with his best friend. That not an excuse for me to cheat and I am started to get an idea why I do it... low self esteem... big ego.... etc....

I can't help but feel that some of the more vicious posts must be from clearly bitter women who have been wronged in the past. And the other from women who are terrified that their other half is up to no good............. Well don't take it out on me.

Whynotme

OP,

Do you want your girlfriend to end up as one of the 'bitter women' you see posting here? Do you really want to destroy her life and leave her with a total mistrust of men? Do you eventually want your children to have an absent father? Or part-time one?

Sorry but in my opinion you are just plain selfish, actually a spoilt grown boy who wants to do what suits him and to hell with the consequences.

Btw, I didn't see any bitter women posting here. Realistic people who know what is ahead for both you and the woman you profess to love, if you continue on the road you have started. So it was 'just a kiss' this time, what will it be next? Be honest with yourself and your partner.

Penn

Loepardspots wrote: »

OP here.

Well I told the girl in work today that our kissing was a mistake and it will not be happening again. She didn't seem to mind either way and I have decided to redouble my efforts to be faithful to me gf. Although I still feel that the idea of one woman for the rest of my days is not possible.

Well after being ravaged by the moral police who seem to think the world is full of wonderful faithful people it was good to read a few post from men who seem to have a bit of experience in the real world.

And in that real world people cheat, men, women all the time. I didn't expect people to post on here and say " oh yea I cheat from time to time, no big deal etc...." because why would they? But that does not mean that an awful lot don't cheat.

A poster asked whether i came from a family where cheating was going on. Well no. My father never cheated on my mother and they have been happily married for nearly 40 years. My own brother was completely faithful to his wife and she ran off with his best friend. That not an excuse for me to cheat and I am started to get an idea why I do it... low self esteem... big ego.... etc....

I can't help but feel that some of the more vicious posts must be from clearly bitter women who have been wronged in the past. And the other from women who are terrified that their other half is up to no good............. Well don't take it out on me.

Grow up. Seriously.

If you don't think you'll be able to stay faithful to your girlfriend for the rest of your lives, then leave. Monogamy clearly isn't your thing, so why not stay single for the rest of your life rather than getting into a serious relationship with the attitude that you will eventually cheat, hurt her, and probably end up alone anyway.

Maybe there's another reason why loads of guys haven't posted that they cheat. Maybe less people cheat than you think. Maybe... just maybe... you're wrong.

I'm glad you stopped things with the girl at work. But again, if you're going to stay with your girlfriend with the mindset that you will eventually cheat on her, you're not ready for a long-term relationship.

LegacyUser

Loepardspots wrote: »

OP here.

Well I told the girl in work today that our kissing was a mistake and it will not be happening again. She didn't seem to mind either way and I have decided to redouble my efforts to be faithful to me gf. Although I still feel that the idea of one woman for the rest of my days is not possible.

Well after being ravaged by the moral police who seem to think the world is full of wonderful faithful people it was good to read a few post from men who seem to have a bit of experience in the real world.

And in that real world people cheat, men, women all the time. I didn't expect people to post on here and say " oh yea I cheat from time to time, no big deal etc...." because why would they? But that does not mean that an awful lot don't cheat.

A poster asked whether i came from a family where cheating was going on. Well no. My father never cheated on my mother and they have been happily married for nearly 40 years. My own brother was completely faithful to his wife and she ran off with his best friend. That not an excuse for me to cheat and I am started to get an idea why I do it... low self esteem... big ego.... etc....

I can't help but feel that some of the more vicious posts must be from clearly bitter women who have been wronged in the past. And the other from women who are terrified that their other half is up to no good............. Well don't take it out on me.

Aww thats a lousy answer OP, no respect for yourself or your GF or for women, you may as well go back and live in the jungle. Your parents are testament that committed relationships are part of the norm. Your Dad must have been a traditional man though for you to learn how to treat women like you do, maybe your mother has no mind of her own, is raising Mammies boys and allowing her sons to look at women as objects to conquer.

It will all come down on you like a ton of bricks one day but by then you will prob be bald and wrinkly, this is going to destroy your inner spirt having no integrity and living off your ego you will prob end up a pathetic lonely old man. But hey you can still get a slapper when you need to turn on the charm.

You think us people on here really care if you cheat or not? you dont seem to get it... that the only one loosing out here is YOU ????

tinkerbell

Loepardspots wrote: »

Well after being ravaged by the moral police who seem to think the world is full of wonderful faithful people it was good to read a few post from men who seem to have a bit of experience in the real world.

And in that real world people cheat, men, women all the time. I didn't expect people to post on here and say " oh yea I cheat from time to time, no big deal etc...." because why would they? But that does not mean that an awful lot don't cheat.

My god, you're so deluded. And thinking that it's perfectly acceptable to justify your actions. Get real. This is the real world. The fact that you say "it was good to read a few post from men who seem to have a bit of experience in the real world", get a frikkin grip. You have convinced yourself that in "the real world" everybody cheats. I have said in previous posts that men cheat, women cheat but not everybody does. You are just using it as an excuse to justify your behaviour because you are too pathetic to own up to your own responsibilites.

Come clean about your stupid behaviour to your girlfriend so she can then dump your cheating self and find someone else and then you can just stay single for the rest of your life since you just can't see yourself being faithful. But stop wasting her time.

LegacyUser

OP here

I'm nearly 30 years of age. I want to have children. I have already bought said gf a house in which to raise our children and she is delighted. So why would be so fcuking stupid and i tell her the truth and ruin everything. I don't want to be single for the rest of my days i want a family, which I am just about to start.

She is happy, I am happy. We are looking forward to a life of happiness together.

As much as it my pain you these arrangements can and do and often work.

Taltos

leopardspots wrote: »

OP here

I'm nearly 30 years of age. I want to have children. I have already bought said gf a house in which to raise our children and she is delighted. So why would be so fcuking stupid and i tell her the truth and ruin everything. I don't want to be single for the rest of my days i want a family, which I am just about to start.

She is happy, I am happy. We are looking forward to a life of happiness together.

As much as it my pain you these arrangements can and do and often work.

Let me rephrase this for you - might help you think through what you have done...

I'm nearly 30 years of age. I want to have children. I have already bought said gf a house in which to raise our children and she is delighted. So why would be so fcuking stupid to cheat and ruin everything. I don't want to be single for the rest of my days i want a family, which I am just about to start......

She is happy, I am happy. We are looking forward to a life of happiness together built on a bed of lies.

As much as it my pain you these arrangements can and do and often work.

OP - look all the best. Hope your life works out for you. But would you please COP the F on.... It is NOT just your life and your planned children - but her life also.
You are starting all of this off on lies...
What happens in say 5 or 10 yrs when she finds out what you have been up to - as I have no doubt that you will never stop?
She will feel trapped into staying with you to raise your planned children (nice snare by the way), then when they are raised out that door. Hating you for ever for ruining her life and forcing her to live with your cheating and lies to protect your children.

Seriously - what is wrong with you? Are you really that selfish or can you not see that what you are doing is fundamentally wrong to your relationship?
I mean if you have the talk and she is OK with an open marriage - then great - not my choice but we are all different. At least allow her the chance to choose now...

Again - it is not just your life here - that is what is getting me and so many others infuriated.
As someone who was cheated on - trust me - when she finds out and she will whatever she feels for you will be consumed by hate and rage. Talk to her now - it might all blow up but she might surprise you.

<sigh>

seamus

Loepardspots wrote: »

Well after being ravaged by the moral police who seem to think the world is full of wonderful faithful people it was good to read a few post from men who seem to have a bit of experience in the real world.

And in that real world people cheat, men, women all the time. I didn't expect people to post on here and say " oh yea I cheat from time to time, no big deal etc...." because why would they? But that does not mean that an awful lot don't cheat.

....

I can't help but feel that some of the more vicious posts must be from clearly bitter women who have been wronged in the past. And the other from women who are terrified that their other half is up to no good............. Well don't take it out on me.

Why did you bother coming asking for advice if you were only looking to hear people who would agree with you or who share your world view?

"In the real world", most people don't cheat. IMO, it tends to happen in groups moreso than anything else. You have large groups of friends where it's constant drama and fighting and cheating, like something out of Coronation St, and then you have the rest of the world, who generally treat eachother with respect and don't go riding all around them.

Of course, the group of cheaters are unaware that a different world view exists and think that cheating is OK, or at the very least acceptable "because everyone else is doing it".

As much as it my pain you these arrangements can and do and often work.

This isn't an arrangement. It would be an arrangement if your girlfriend knew about you having other women and let you go ahead and do it. But she doesn't. Which makes it a betrayal. How would you feel if she came home and told you that she'd kissed a guy in work a couple of times, really felt like getting up on top of him and grinding away for Ireland, and in fact felt like she was incapable of preventing herself from doing so in future and would definitely go have sex with a number of other men throughout your life?

Would you condemn her, or would you go, "That's OK love, I understand".

LegacyUser

OP, I think you are trying to justify your actions by a belief that the world exists according to your reality. At the end of the day it's just YOUR reality.

Yes, many people cheat but what's important to remember is that all cheaters are not the same. Some people cheat by having a one-off that wasn't planned and they feel remorse. Others cheat because they fall out of love for their partner or because there are problems at home and the cheating is a way of acting out, so to speak. But they again usually have remorse about it. Only a tiny fraction of the population cheat in a premeditated way - i.e. they excuse their behaviour by saying all people cheat and they continue to cheat left right and centre and blame it on 'human nature'. That last type of cheater is basically a low-life in my book. They really don't care about the feelings of others and just care about themselves and are entirely selfish. They have little or no remorse. This appears to be the category you fall into.

I agree that monogamy isn't right for everyone. It's not right for me but guess what, I'm open and honest about that! When entering into relationships I explain that from the outset. If the guy (I'm female) is not on the same page as me then it's a no go. I would never enter into a 'pretend' monogamous relationship just to get what I want (in your case it appears to be children and an illusion of a typical family unit).

You do need to cop on. You can justify your actions and beliefs on the basis of the assumption that others cheat...yes many do cheat, but for different reasons and it's your reasons, approach and justification which are the most problematic here.

I actually think you need therapy. I think you need to work through these issues with a therapist because as you now admit to there are underlying issues with regard to self esteem. You actually need to confront why you have this malicious and harmful view and use it to excuse your appalling behaviour (and future plans to cheat).

Do you not care about showing respect for your girlfriend? Is there not any part of you that feels bad? Do you ever think about how she would feel? If you get defensive in answering these questions or say no to all of them then you have a SERIOUS problem and I'd advise you book into a therapist ASAP.

I'm not the moral police - I've had an affair with someone like you before and his justifications for continuous cheating were just pathetic and pointed so some deeper issues. To me this isn't about cheating per se, but how you actually seem to have no empathy and feel no remorse.

CdeC

I think that for a lot of people it's a force of habit. In your 20's its normal to be in and out of relatiionships and sleeping around but as you mature most people want a more meaningful connection. I suppose its your brain telling you you are ready to raise a family which involves a lot of commitment.

If you want to be monogamous you can be, that is your choice. you have to look at what you want in life. Do you want a partner you love and adore, grow together and experience new things or do you think impressing a bunch of lads about you scoring a girl is more important.

I kind of do sypathise because these habits can be hard to break but like any habit it can be broken. do not underestimate the power of the mind, take control and have a serious think about where you want your life to go over the next 20 years.

astra2000

leopardspots wrote: »

OP here

I'm nearly 30 years of age. I want to have children. I have already bought said gf a house in which to raise our children and she is delighted. So why would be so fcuking stupid and i tell her the truth and ruin everything. I don't want to be single for the rest of my days i want a family, which I am just about to start.

She is happy, I am happy. We are looking forward to a life of happiness together.

As much as it my pain you these arrangements can and do and often work.

You dont love your gf you love your self.