Singleton wanting a baby

LegacyUser

I was going out with a guy for several years a few years ago I was diagnosed with medical issues and was told I would have trouble conceiving and that I should start trying asap
I was only 24 at the time but I was shocked and worried - the GYN discussed with me and my other half and said not to wait too long and said to start trying at 28 at the very very latest

My OH was totally ok with all of this, he said he wanted a family with me and we would start trying at 27 - 27 came and he wasn't ready, I was anxious and worried but said I would wait another year as I didn't want to force it on him, then 28 came and he still wasn't ready....

A year ago he broke up with me and said he never wanted children, I was traumatised to say the least and I felt that I got totally shafted...

I felt like my chances of having a baby were slipping away and I had been led....having gone to therapy and discussing everything I revealed that I still wanted a baby and I wanted to keep sleeping with my ex so I could have this baby, we talked and talked through it and she said that if its what I want and its such a serious issue I should do it..so I was grateful for her support....I have been continuing to sleep with my ex but only when ovulating but still after a year no joy....I am seeing a specialist next week as I am hoping to get a drug to promote ovulation and this will work..

This prob sounds crazy to some of you but when you have always wanted to be a mother and the chances get slimmer and slimmer, desperate times call for desperate measures....

TBH I also dont understand how my ex doesn't know what I am up to

I am 30 in a few weeks and I want nothing more then to be a mother

Neyite

i have every sympathy for you in your quest to be a mother, but i do think you are going about it the wrong way. you are decieving your ex who does not want children to become a father- irrespective of what your therapist tells you, this is wrong, and deep down you know it.

i know you feel cheated - you had 4 years where you know you should have been babymaking and that valuable time is lost - lots of blokes just dont see the time frame a family can take and dont realise the logistics of planning, trying, concieving, when you are worried time is running out. it was wrong of him to waste that time on you, but tricking him into fatherhood is not the answer. doesnt the baby you want so badly deserve a dad that wants him/her?

why wouldnt you consider donor sperm? you are going to see the specialist, why not talk it through during your appointment?

if you continue down this road of deception, are you going to ask him for maintenance or will you be a sole parent once you have a baby?

by the way, im in my mid thirties, and have been broody for years, so i really do see where you are coming from, but what you are doing is wrong.

metrovelvet

Your therapist told you to keep sleeping with your ex to get pregnant and not let him in on what you are doing?

Does your therapist want to ruin your life? Your therapist should be fired and reported.

LegacyUser

I have been deceived and I have thought long and hard but I dont see another way

He said he doesn't want a baby with me is what I should say and he would make a great dad...

My therapist wasn't condoning it but she said if that is what I am going to do regardless then I need to do it properly and see a consultant

I considered a sperm donor however I want my child to have a name for its daddy

Its a life with a child or without

I have so much love to give and I yearn to be a mother and have done so since I was a little girl pushing my pram around

tinkerbell

Ok first of all, this is obviously very hard on you so you have my sympathies that you have been told it will be difficult for you to conceive.

However, you are being extremely selfish, manipulative and self-centered here regarding your ex. He does not want a baby, and you are intending on sleeping with him just to get pregnant. This is not fair on him. You are thinking of nobody but yourself.

If you want a baby, then go find a guy who wants a baby with you or else go with a sperm donor, but do not go sleeping with your ex and trick him into becoming a father. He will have to support that child for the next 18 years of his life and he does not want to do so.

metrovelvet

babamamawannabe wrote: »

I have been deceived and I have thought long and hard but I dont see another way

He said he doesn't want a baby with me is what I should say and he would make a great dad...

My therapist wasn't condoning it but she said if that is what I am going to do regardless then I need to do it properly and see a consultant

I considered a sperm donor however I want my child to have a name for its daddy

Its a life with a child or without

I have so much love to give and I yearn to be a mother and have done so since I was a little girl pushing my pram around

Get a sperm donor. They are better than reluctant or ambivalent fathers because they wont leave your child with a legacy of abandonment or knowlege they rejected their mother.

You wont have custody, rights, or maintenance to deal with.

Sperm donors are embrace paternity in a weird way that abandoning fathers do not.

Your child will have a name yours. Just like all the other single parent kids do who did not use sperm donors but will get punished for the rest of their lives by their kids dad's for not having abortions.

sun_moon_stars

Hi op after reading your post i really feel for you and the situation that you are in and i understand your need to have a baby

It wasn't fair of your ex to keep telling you that ye would have a baby if he had any doubts that he wanted to have a baby with you and that he should have been honest with you when he knew he didn't want children
I know you said you want your child to have a name for the father but you have to think long term about this
If you do get pregnant by your ex will you tell him or would you stop calling over because you will have what you want
It wouldn't be very fair for your child if in years to come they go looking for their father and didn't get a nice response and then you would probably have to explain your situation

I really feel you would be better off looking at other ways to get pregnant because you will only be making a hard situation worse by going about it this way you would be better off cutting ties with your ex and start again you could have a wonderful relationship and a child brought up in a loving family

LegacyUser

No no no! This isn't an eye for an eye, you can't make things better in your life by having a baby with him. He was a cad for deceiving you thusfar......but if he knows he doesn't want a family& knows you badly do (asap too)& knows that by having an intimate relationship with you there's a risk of pregnancy....he can't be that much of a fool?.....what's to say he hasn't had a vasectomy? You may be being used further still. Stop now!

Sound Bite

OP, I'm same age, have similiar health issues & am very unlike to ever have children so I understand some of what you're trying to deal with & I've also been hurt by a relationship break up for this reason. It can be a complete headreck & difficult to deal with.

However, what your doing is wrong. You cannot use you ex as a baby making machine, without discussing it with him at the very least. No matter how strong you're desire for a child it.

I find it hard to believe that any therapist would agreed with your actions. Could it be a case of hearing what you want to hear not what was actually said?

You can still have a baby if you want....there are other options like sperm donation or adoption. Just because you didnt give birth to the child doesnt mean you cannot love it & raise it the exact same.

It is far too easy to allow this issue become all comsuming & have it destroy you. There is a huge freedom in accepting the situation as it is. Trust me, I know.

STOP doing what your doing & explore other options. Good Luck.

bronte

As horrible as your situation is , please stop what you are doing.
It is so unfair.
Unfair to your ex, but also unfair to your possible future child.

Please think before you act.

aidan24326

babamamawannabe wrote: »

I have been deceived and I have thought long and hard but I dont see another way.

Deceived or not what you are doing is disgraceful and extremely self-centred. Sorry to put it so harshly but I'm just telling you what that two-bob so-called therapist should have said to you.

What your ex did in stringing you along was wrong of course, but what you're doing now is much worse. I can't believe people are actually giving you such sympathy, this is pathetic stuff on your part. If you want a baby that desperately there are ways to go about it other than the outright deception you're engaging in.

paperclip2

Op I'm sorry you were deceived by your ex, he was very wrong to do what he did. But sadly two wrongs don't make a right. What I'm wondering if there is a part of you that hopes or believes that if you become pregnant by him that you might get back together?
Honey, thats not likely given what he has said. The future that you are facing may include his child but it will also include lots of sadness, anger, bitterness and stress. And what if decides he doesn't want to have a relationship with the child? What good will that do them if they know their fathers name and nothing else? Please don't underestimate how hard it is to raise a child when the other parent doesn't want to be involved.
You will be the one having to find the answers when they ask why they don't see their dad. How will you answer that? And if he goes on and has a family with someone else you will have to help your child to deal with that

OP I hope you think again. I know you might believe that all of these things are outweighed by the thoughts of having your own baby but you could be storing up all sorts of trouble for the future. Please consider IVF, donor insemination etc. Its a better course of action than the one you are choosing.

Best of luck.

Kimono-Girl

babamamawannabe wrote: »

I have been deceived and I have thought long and hard but I dont see another way

yes what he has done taking those years from you is awful, but revenge is not the way forward here,

babamamawannabe wrote: »

He said he doesn't want a baby with me is what I should say and he would make a great dad...

It is not up to you to decide if he would make a great father, he has already said he doesn't want to be a father, you need to respect his decision and find another man (who is willing)or another way to conceive.

babamamawannabe wrote: »

My therapist wasn't condoning it but she said if that is what I am going to do regardless then I need to do it properly and see a consultant

condoning or not she should have told you what you are doing is wrong and helped you find the right way forward and any proper qualified therapist (i've dealt with so many of them) would have you following whats in your best interests, without harming others. i agree with others you should report her.

babamamawannabe wrote: »

I considered a sperm donor however I want my child to have a name for its daddy

in my opinion the child won't, trust me if you get pregnant it will not fix your relationship it will put it under more strain, if your relationship with the father is not strong to begin with, it will collapse, and your child will have a name for its daddy, but at what cost? your child may never see that name (its daddy) again!



if you won't consider sperm donation try adoption...or another method, as far as my opinion is concerned deceiving this man is very wrong, you need to find a proper therapist and sort yourself out before you even think of taking on such a huge responsibility as a child, it seems to me from your post responsibility is something you are lacking right now. I know we are strangers on the internet but we all have some experiences and opinions we are willing to share so you can learn from our mistakes, i hope you get your child but please use the appropriate ways to do so.

Wibbs

candlelover wrote: »

yes what he has done taking those years from you is awful, but revenge is not the way forward here,

Agreed. Revenge is a very self centered emotional response, especially when a child is involved. This is a very bad road to start walking. Two wrongs do not make a right. If he didnt want kids after telling you he did, then yes he was out of order, but that was his decision and yes his decision has very much impacted you. I do get that. But imagine he does get you pregant, do you honestly think he'll suddenly switch around and be all for this? With someone who he may feel is just a comfort shag/fcuk buddy? Sorry to be blunt on the latter, but if he wanted you as his life partner, you would be.

It is not up to you to decide if he would make a great father, he has already said he doesn't want to be a father, you need to respect his decision and find another man (who is willing)or another way to conceive.

Quoted for truth.

condoning or not she should have told you what you are doing is wrong and helped you find the right way forward and any proper qualified therapist (i've dealt with so many of them) would have you following whats in your best interests, without harming others. i agree with others you should report her.

Plus a thousand. She should be reported ASAP for giving such utterly unprofessional advice. The only reason I can see for her giving that advice is to make sure she has you as a client for many years to come. And she will, if you follow her "advice".

babamamawannabe

babamamawannabe wrote: »

I considered a sperm donor however I want my child to have a name for its daddy

What about male friends, or finding men into the idea who you trust and can evaluate. "Sperm Donor" does not HAVE to mean a nameless tube of sperm from a bank.

Due to my living with 2 girls, we meet a lot of people from the LGBT community with an array of problems and I have met lesbian couples wanting children before. Some of them too did not want "nameless sperm" from a donor bank either. Some of them approached trusted male friends, or met up with guys through forums or advertising etc and got to know them... guys who were interested in helping them conceive without wanting attachments.

Whether the option is the right one for you of course is something different, but I think it worth throwing out there and you sitting there thinking it over. You want sperm that is not nameless, but that does not mean it HAS to be your ex who gives it. The world is full of options in between the extremes of deceiving the ex, and resorting to a sperm bank.

LegacyUser

a therapist is not there to give advice or to judge this woman.

Wibbs

Deleted User wrote: »

What about male friends, or finding men into the idea who you trust and can evaluate. "Sperm Donor" does not HAVE to mean a nameless tube of sperm from a bank.

Due to my living with 2 girls, we meet a lot of people from the LGBT community with an array of problems and I have met lesbian couples wanting children before. Some of them too did not want "nameless sperm" from a donor bank either. Some of them approached trusted male friends, or met up with guys through forums or advertising etc and got to know them... guys who were interested in helping them conceive without wanting attachments.

Whether the option is the right one for you of course is something different, but I think it worth throwing out there and you sitting there thinking it over. You want sperm that is not nameless, but that does not mean it HAS to be your ex who gives it. The world is full of options in between the extremes of deceiving the ex, and resorting to a sperm bank.

True though though one would have to make very sure of the legalities before going down this route. Plus I can well understand a couple, lesbian gay or straight going this route, but I suspect(may be wrong) it would be less attractive to a single woman?

a therapist is not there to give advice or to judge this woman.

I agree, but advising and supporting her in something potentially damaging to the woman in question is well dodgy IMHO. Hence the reporting the therapist in question part.

I would also agree with the OP where she says why the ex hasn't spotten this? Of course the simplest explanation is the guy is a bit daft or ignorant of contraception. Another reason could well be that he assumes, knowing of your health problems that you can't conceive? Equally daft on his part.

Like I said before I can completely understand the OP's sense of betrayal after a long relationship, but making clear plans including medical help to conceive with this same guy who has already betrayed you before? I really think you're storing up more trouble for you and your child down the line. There must be some alternative. For your sake.

Squiggler

OP, get rid of this guy, do not trick him into becoming a father. Instead tell him that he has broken the deal and you are going to look for someone who does want to have children with you. Then do just that.

I'm 34. I also had past health issues that made it likely that it would be difficult for me to conceive. Despite 2 long term relationships (and engagements) a year and a half ago I was single and childless and beginning to resign myself to the idea that I might remain that way. After all, I decided it was preferable than being married to, or tied to by a child, the wrong man. But now I am married to a wonderful man, and after about 9 months of no pressure trying, we are expecting a baby in March.

Don't force anything in life - not only is it asking for trouble - but you could be denying yourself something so much better which could have been yours if you'd been patient.

metrovelvet

username666 wrote: »

a therapist is not there to give advice or to judge this woman.

No. And that is part of the problem at large with therapy. Therapy has become all about ego development [which is hugely important - I would never say it isnt] but it is also about encouraging someone to be themselves, whomever that may be, good person, bad person, savior or devil.

However, I am deeply suspicious of this therapist who encourages deceitful means, because the therapist is not encouraging the OP to be her with her ex bf, but someone else. She is encouraging the OP to pretend to be someone who has no intention of getting pregnant. That is in therapeutic terms, very bad for self esteem because the OP is getting validation and affirmation from a man [the ex bf] who thinks she is someone else.

Taltos

I'm at a loss today.
First the thread on tricking a husband into being a father and now this?

OP - I know right now you feel you are up against a clock and have to have a child no matter what - but hold on just a minute...

Step back a bit and look at the following.
1. WHY? Really what is your motivator to having a child? Can you not foster/adopt? There are so many unwanted children out there already...
2. The OH? OK - he may have deceived you - and if this is the case - is he really father-material??? Chances are he will run a mile - right now he is taking advantage of easy sex. At least have some respect for yourself...
3. The Child - what kind of life will you be giving this child? Can you provide a safe, loving environment? Or are you introducing the child into a home where they are not wanted or loved by their father? Or are the child to a mother who chose to have a child because her time was nearly up?

I am tired of trotting out this line - but maybe you need to seek alternative views from another therapist.
You might also want to explore all the options - donors / ons's / adoption / learning to live with yourself without a child.

But - please stop this - what you are doing with your ex, words escape how I really feel about this, well that and I know I would be banned.

Oryx

You are desperate for a baby, and as a result you are not being rational at all. A man who has been tricked into fatherhood may turn out to be a very unpleasant father indeed. Your child wouldnt be a baby forever, how would you hope to explain the circumstances of their birth and why they never see their Dad, or why he hates you so?

You are seeing a specialist to get a drug to promote ovulation next week, so have you lied to them too? Because surely the prospective Dad would need to be checked out before you go on strong drugs, to make sure he is fertile?

You really are being incredibly stupid and naive here, to think that what you are doing is the best option. Its wrong on so many levels, I cant even begin to explain.

astra2000

Hi op first of all I genuinely do sympathise with your situation I really really do but what you are trying to do is so wrong, you are not in a relationship with this guy, he has said he does not want children and you are trying to force your will on him. I doubt very much he set out to decieve you when he said he wanted to have children in a few years he probably believed it at the time when you are in your early 20s your late 20s seem forever away.
Are you hoping that if you do get pregnant that he will then decide to make a go of it with you? I would imagine he will realise that he has been conned and relations between you will be terrible and your child will partly pay the price.
Why would you want the father of your child to be someone who never wants to have children? What if in the mean time you meet someone and fall in love will you feel you have to confess what you have done? Will this one act follow you throughout your life to the point where you will be paying the price forever? Imagine your child finding out when he/she is older what you did?
Switch therapists she is telling you what you want to hear at a very high cost per hour I would imagine.
I wish you all the best for the future.

LegacyUser

I totally understand where you are coming from and what you are saying

but it's like this

I have been trying for a year now - no joy and this only instills my urgency to get knocked up

I still love my ex but I love the idea of being a mother MORE

My ex would not run and he would make a good dad, he is a good person albeit selfish and childlike at times. But I would be the main carer and provider


I need to have a baby and this is VERY important to me

Taltos

OP -
when someone is DRIVEN to do something against all common sense I have only one piece of advice to give.

Seek help immediately.
Not for now but for later too so you learn how to cope with setbacks and cravings for things that you want NOW...

Oryx

babymamma wrote: »

My ex would not run and he would make a good dad, he is a good person albeit selfish and childlike at times. But I would be the main carer and provider

You know this how?

I need to have a baby and this is VERY important to me

Why? To fill a gap? To keep you company? So you can feel a sense of fulfilment or achievment? It is a catastrophic way to go about any of those things.

Sort your head out and start listening to the advice you have been given, a child is a joy, but they are also a heartbreak at times, any honest parent will tell you that. Having a child in these circumstances is not the solution to problems, and may just create so many more.

LegacyUser

Its that like that and I take offense to being portrayed as a "IwantIwant" person

I don't have a choice I have been advised by numerous doctors and have been told "its now or never" never is not an option for me.

I was born to be a mother its all I have ever wanted.....

A woman has got to do what a woman has got to do....I cannot bear the idea of a life without children - and adoption is not an option I am single and it would be next to impossible

And if he is so careless as to have unprotected sex then that is his own business

He can be involved or not (that is if I do get pregs) that is his on decision.

You know lots of woman do this all the time - only difference is I am open to discussing it and I dont feel shame for it

I spoke about to my therapist at great length about this issue at first she tried to talk me out of it but she knew that I had my mind made up and she understood my position. She also advised me on guilt later on etc and I have worked through these issues in my head

LittleBook

What is your relationship/personal issue? I'm at a loss to figure out why you posted.

You have rationalised this absurd scenario with your "therapist", you've convinced yourself (wrongly) that lots of women do this, you've deluded yourself into thinking that your ex (who could be shooting blanks for all you know) would make a great dad and you have absolutely no interest in any of the feedback you've gotten from other posters.

What exactly are you looking for here??

LegacyUser

Well I consider it to be very much a personal issue that I am carrying around on my own I not longer go to therapy as I have got as much as I can get out of it

I want to share - and I am being very real

Wibbs

babymamma wrote: »

Its that like that and I take offense to being portrayed as a "IwantIwant" person

I do understand that, but I'm sure you understand that this is how it comes across?

IE:

I don't have a choice I have been advised by numerous doctors and have been told "its now or never" never is not an option for me.

I was born to be a mother its all I have ever wanted.....

A woman has got to do what a woman has got to do....

It does come across as "I want/need" to an outsider. You know? To me it comes across as a deep broodiness coupled with desperation that your chance to be a mother, something you wanted to be all your life could pass you by. I get that, but I also feel that these feelings are overpowering your logical and sensible self underneath.

I cannot bear the idea of a life without children - and adoption is not an option I am single and it would be next to impossible

I agree on the latter. I doubt it would be easy if even possible. I can understand the former.

And if he is so careless as to have unprotected sex then that is his own business

I would somewhat agree TBH. Have you told him you're on the pill? Has he asked? Were you before and does he assume you still are? I agree he's at best not the sharpest knife in the drawer if he's going on luck, or indeed trust as he surely realises your deep need for a child? I mean that's what broke you up. His participation I really don't get.

He can be involved or not (that is if I do get pregs) that is his on decision.

Would you be happy if he walked out of you and your babies life for good? He may well do that. Even though he would still have legal duties involved. You say you love this man? How does this love balance with keeping this quiet?

You know lots of woman do this all the time - only difference is I am open to discussing it and I dont feel shame for it

It seems quite a few do and quite a few feel its OK to do so. A lot of men feel it's alright to string a woman along for years with no intention of commitment. It doesnt make it right though. As you've found out. And fair play with being open about it. Like you say a few feel similarly but aren't even open with themselves.

I spoke about to my therapist at great length about this issue at first she tried to talk me out of it but she knew that I had my mind made up and she understood my position. She also advised me on guilt later on etc and I have worked through these issues in my head

Maybe, just maybe she was being practical, but I still do think WTF tbh.

Well I consider it to be very much a personal issue that I am carrying around on my own I not longer go to therapy as I have got as much as I can get out of it

God yea, clearly it is a personal issue for you. I think the genuine replies are trying to help you see it could become a worse one for you down the line.

Oryx

babymamma wrote: »

Well I consider it to be very much a personal issue that I am carrying around on my own I not longer go to therapy as I have got as much as I can get out of it

I want to share - and I am being very real

I understand you want to share. I understand you are being real. But because I am outside of the situation, I also see your tunnel vision when it comes to this. You are done with therapy because you cannot be changed from this course of action. Your therapist cannot help you anymore.

A child does not define who you are, yet you fail to see that. I do understand the physiological urge to have a child. I have experienced how strong and overwhelming that is. But you are allowing it to obsess you, at the expense of other things in your life, and that is unhealthy. It is particularly unhealthy when you are decieving other people to achieve your aim. If your therapist failed to sway you, I doubt anyone here will either. So I too wonder what you hope to achieve by this thread.

Taltos

babymamma wrote: »

Its that like that and I take offense to being portrayed as a "IwantIwant" person

You might be taking offense - but this is how you are coming across - Wibbs said it much better than I ever could.

babymamma wrote: »

I don't have a choice I have been advised by numerous doctors and have been told "its now or never" never is not an option for me.

BS - of course you have a choice - you can be honest with your EX.
You can seek Sperm. You have have multiple One Night Stands. You can adopt. You can foster. You can learn to live with the reality that you may NEVER be a biological mother - but that will NOT take away from you being an amazing mother to some child.

babymamma wrote: »

I was born to be a mother its all I have ever wanted.....

No - you were born to live your life and potentially to procreate to continue the existence of your genes. I do accept that this is all you have ever wanted - and that kind of tunnel vision scares me - what happens if this never happens - what then??? This is why I think you really need to go back to another therapist and get immediate help. As above you have stopped therapy...

babymamma wrote: »

A woman has got to do what a woman has got to do....I cannot bear the idea of a life without children - and adoption is not an option I am single and it would be next to impossible

MODS - help me out here - but this is crazy logic - and I mean that totally and honestly. If you really believe this then my prior suggestion of getting help has just been raised times one hundred.
Maybe you cannot adopt - have you checked??? - What about fostering and all the other options out there?

babymamma wrote: »

And if he is so careless as to have unprotected sex then that is his own business

Yes. Well yes. Not exactly the model father then. What IQ or other genetic niceties will he be contributing here?

babymamma wrote: »

He can be involved or not (that is if I do get pregs) that is his on decision

Would be better if you gave him the choice now.. Not much of a decision after the fact - no matter how your rationalise it. Look - I work with a woman who approached a man she knew and admired and asked him to be a donor for similar reasons to you. He agreed... And she has a gorgeous daughter, and her child has a father who supports her 100%.... There is nothing between the parents - nothing at all - would this not be better for you?

babymamma wrote: »

You know lots of woman do this all the time - only difference is I am open to discussing it and I dont feel shame for it

Wonderful. Does not make it right however. You can apply the same logic to the scum that drop date-rape drugs in drinks, or any range of things.

babymamma wrote: »

I spoke about to my therapist at great length about this issue at first she tried to talk me out of it but she knew that I had my mind made up and she understood my position. She also advised me on guilt later on etc and I have worked through these issues in my head

So like there you approached the therapy with a closed mind. Why bother?
Why bother posting here? We are really trying to help you see that what you are proposing here is not the best thing to be doing. However instead of taking on board any of what we are saying you are digging your heels in deeper and rationalising your choices with non-sensical arguments. Why???
At some level - somewhere you have to know this is wrong and are looking for someone here to break through to you, otherwise, why post? Why not just go off - get pregnant, and raise this child as you want, how you want and with who you want - if they want to even know you afterwards that is.

greengiant09

+1 to the post above. your logic and reasoning is rediculous....your argument doesn't have a leg to stand on.

astra2000

Op trying to justify what you are trying to con your ex into is insane. How would you feel if someone did this to a family member or friend of yours or in time your child. I do not question your desire to be a mother but the actual way you are going about pursuing it at any cost is not rational. It is possible that if you put as much time and effort into trying to meet someone new you may actually get what you want with someone who is willing to be a dad.
I hate saying this but the fact that you continue to justify your course of action leads me to question you mental health. I suggest you speak with your gp who maybe able to offer guidance.

metrovelvet

babymamma wrote: »

Its that like that and I take offense to being portrayed as a "IwantIwant" person

I don't have a choice I have been advised by numerous doctors and have been told "its now or never" never is not an option for me.

I was born to be a mother its all I have ever wanted.....

A woman has got to do what a woman has got to do....I cannot bear the idea of a life without children - and adoption is not an option I am single and it would be next to impossible

And if he is so careless as to have unprotected sex then that is his own business

He can be involved or not (that is if I do get pregs) that is his on decision.

You know lots of woman do this all the time - only difference is I am open to discussing it and I dont feel shame for it

I spoke about to my therapist at great length about this issue at first she tried to talk me out of it but she knew that I had my mind made up and she understood my position. She also advised me on guilt later on etc and I have worked through these issues in my head

You are making a terrible terrible mistake.

Get a sperm donor. Put an ad in the personals for a potential father if you must.

This is not the way to get pregnant.

Can I ask you why you feel such an obsessive need to be a mother?

LegacyUser

My need to be a mother is not something I can explain but it is something that has always been with me. I come from a big family so maybe that is part of it.

I wish I didn't have to go about it this way and I am not trying to win my ex back - like I said before I dont want to go down the road of sperm donation as I want to be able to have a name for my child.

I am not on the pill and ex has never asked me if I am on the pill...he says he still loves me etcetc

I understand that I may never have a child and I will accept it but what I wont accept is not having tried, if I dont try now and wait a few years down the line to meet someone it could be too late and I have been warned so my experts.

I didn't come up with this idea over night I thought long and hard about it

I have know my ex since I was a teenager and he is would not take a run and jump if I was to conceive and I know this as I know this man inside out

metrovelvet

babymamma wrote: »

My need to be a mother is not something I can explain but it is something that has always been with me. I come from a big family so maybe that is part of it.

I wish I didn't have to go about it this way and I am not trying to win my ex back - like I said before I dont want to go down the road of sperm donation as I want to be able to have a name for my child.

I am not on the pill and ex has never asked me if I am on the pill...he says he still loves me etcetc

I understand that I may never have a child and I will accept it but what I wont accept is not having tried, if I dont try now and wait a few years down the line to meet someone it could be too late and I have been warned so my experts.

I didn't come up with this idea over night I thought long and hard about it

I have know my ex since I was a teenager and he is would not take a run and jump if I was to conceive and I know this as I know this man inside out

He may not care whether you are on the pill or not. He may just assume you will get an abortion if you get pregnant. These kinds of ****es are more common than you think, and you know what? You will hear this time and again, you don't know someone until you get pregnant by them. The true colours come out in MGM technicolour.

This guy loves you so much you are still his ex? Doesn't sounds like a whole heck of a lot of love.

If you end up raising this child alone, the child will probably only use your name anyway, so I think your reasoning beggars belief.
Go to the personals and find someone to make an arrangement with.

LegacyUser

Oh I dont want kid to have his surname I just want to be able to say soandso is the name of your father

I cant imagine not knowing where I came from so this is why i find it important.

Are there really guys out there that want to have babies with random girls, I would assume this would be via insemination but they would have to be totally checked out etc

Does anyone know of anyone who has gone down this route and is the aim to co-parent??

There is nobody I know that I would ask

Darlughda

OP, if anybody else had expressed such an obsessive desire, there would have been a truck of responses telling you to go to 12 step meetings.:eek:

Fair enough, I do not understand your particular predicament. I have no desire to have children. Ever.
To the point that it makes meeting men with similar lack of desire to have them, very difficult to meet. Despite contemporary myths that all women want kids.:mad:

However, I do understand intense longing and desire and wanting something. I have experienced this in my life, and in some aspects it is still ongoing, eg, having a job that people would turn to me in need of help and advice, and I can actually and practically help them.

You might dismiss this as less than your need, but you can never know how long, and how much this need burns within me.

What I cannot understand, is this.

Why can you not be there for another child in their life? Why this need to give birth to your own?
The amount of children in this country who need genuinely maternal and paternal people to engage with their lives is huge. I'm not even talking about adopting or fostering here, even though they are options I cannot understand someone dying for children giving up on, the opportunities for volunteering and/or working with children who desperately need love and support are vast.

metrovelvet

babymamma wrote: »

Oh I dont want kid to have his surname I just want to be able to say soandso is the name of your father

I cant imagine not knowing where I came from so this is why i find it important.

Are there really guys out there that want to have babies with random girls, I would assume this would be via insemination but they would have to be totally checked out etc

Does anyone know of anyone who has gone down this route and is the aim to co-parent??

There is nobody I know that I would ask

Try to imagine paternal rejection.

Talk to kids and adults who are dealing with this. It aint fun. It's a nightmare.

Look, you talked about needing to try. Try doing it honestly and above board. There was a guy here on a month ago talking about how much he wanted a child. Who knows what can come of it, but just try. Put an ad in the personals, work out a legal agreement.

Who knows? But it's be a far better idea than what you are doing now.

Also, you should tell your ex that you have not been taking precautions.

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote: »

True though though one would have to make very sure of the legalities before going down this route. Plus I can well understand a couple, lesbian gay or straight going this route, but I suspect(may be wrong) it would be less attractive to a single woman?

Indeed there is a LOT of things she would have to make very sure of before going down that route, and yes single women do do it too in my experience, though the majority of my experience does come from the LGBT community and talking with them.

However I should be clearer that all I am recommending is considering and researching the option and to be aware that it is there. I am neither recommending or speaking against the OP actually taking said option. It is enough for me to make sure she has thought it over.

LittleBook

babymamma wrote: »

Well I consider it to be very much a personal issue that I am carrying around on my own I not longer go to therapy as I have got as much as I can get out of it

I want to share - and I am being very real

I understand that OP, sorry if my post was provocative but I wanted you to see that in spite of everything you say, you are not 100% happy with what you are doing ... or you wouldn't have come here ... you'd have gone to Parenting or Trying To Conceive.

I think deep down you know that this isn't the right way to go about this, no matter how desperate you are to have a child.

LittleBook

babamamawannabe wrote: »

I was going out with a guy for several years ... he said he wanted a family with me and we would start trying at 27 - 27 came and he wasn't ready, I was anxious and worried but said I would wait another year as I didn't want to force it on him, then 28 came and he still wasn't ready....

A year ago he broke up with me and said he never wanted children, I was traumatised to say the least and I felt that I got totally shafted...

babamamawannabe wrote: »

I have been deceived and I have thought long and hard but I dont see another way

He said he doesn't want a baby with me is what I should say and he would make a great dad...

babymamma wrote: »

I still love my ex but I love the idea of being a mother MORE

My ex would not run and he would make a good dad, he is a good person albeit selfish and childlike at times. But I would be the main carer and provider

babymamma wrote: »

And if he is so careless as to have unprotected sex then that is his own business

He can be involved or not (that is if I do get pregs) that is his on decision.

babymamma wrote: »

I wish I didn't have to go about it this way and I am not trying to win my ex back - like I said before I dont want to go down the road of sperm donation as I want to be able to have a name for my child.

I have know my ex since I was a teenager and he is would not take a run and jump if I was to conceive and I know this as I know this man inside out

I just read your last post ... this man told you he doesn't want to have children with you, dumped you and is now using you for sex and you still believe that he would be there for you and a baby? He may be dumb enough to sleep with you without protection (although my guess is that he just believes you can't conceive) but if finds out you're pregnant by him I don't think he'll be too dumb to put two and two together.

If you're absolutely committed to this path, at the very least you need to realise that, chances are, you'll be on your own with this baby.

babymamma wrote: »

Oh I dont want kid to have his surname I just want to be able to say soandso is the name of your father

I cant imagine not knowing where I came from so this is why i find it important.

babymamma wrote: »

I want to be able to have a name for my child.

Who do you want to be able to say this to? Believe me, there are plenty of kids out there who were born in less (shall we say) controversial circumstances who have no clue who their father is ... kids born in marriages who were abandoned.

You know you're treating your ex like a sperm donor, don't you? Except real sperm donors can actually make an informed choice.

I completely understand your desire to be a mother but honestly you really don't appear to be facing reality, just thundering through it with your eye on the prize.

paperclip2

OP have a read.

http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/parenting/the-mother-of-all-stories-2254265.html

The mother of all stories
Four years ago, aged 41, Jennie Withers found herself single and childless. She went public and appealed for a 'co-parent' to father her child. Now the mother of a baby boy by a bisexual friend, she tells the extraordinary story of her journey to parenthood and how Victory was finally hers.

Ok, maybe the outcome was a bit fairytale but the principle worked for her.

metrovelvet

http://www.singlemothersbychoice.com/

You could also talk to these guys.

BTW I used to baby sit for sperm donor kids [father infertile]. Far less issues than abandoned kids.

Kimono-Girl

metrovelvet wrote: »

Far less issues than abandoned kids.

my father as good as abandoned me, well he popped back in every few years or so (he was/is a selfish man), he never wanted me or loved me, the issues i had without even realizing i had them, hurt so many people including myself , i blamed EVERYONE in my life for what he did (or didn't do in this case), i gave my mother and others hell because of the abandonment issues i had, to the point a few people out there still hate me! i couldn't understand why he wasn't there and why he didn't love me, and i was never happy. It took years of counseling to understand what i was like, and years of counseling to fix me.

do you really want to chance putting yourself and your child through the hell that i, my mother and others went through?

neuro-praxis

OP. You cannot, in this life, get everything you want.

And sometimes it is for the best.

kylith

OP, I understand your predicament. I've always wanted children but have been told by doctors that I may never be able to concieve naturally however I am completely unable to understand why you're insisting on trying to concieve with a man who lied to you, dumped you and is just using you for sex because he thinks you're infertile just because you want to be able to tell your child that X is their father? You say you think that he'd make a great father? Really? A liar who dumped you and is using you? That's just a top-notch sperm donor you've got there, a veritable paragon of fatherly virtues.

If you concieve he will want to know how, if you've previously told him that you can't. What will you tell him then? Will you admit that you've secretly been having fertility treatments? Will you claim that it's a miracle? If the former then this man will hate you and you will not see him for dust, if the latter then his involvement will likely be begrudging and sporadic at best. Better, I think, to tell a child that you went to a sperm bank and picked the best specemin in the place because you couldn't wait to have children, than to try explain that so-and-so is their daddy, but that he doesn't want anything to do with them.

When I found out that one of my previous partners didn't want children I was actually advised by a friend to get pregnant 'accidentally'. I was absolutely horrified. I can't concieve (if you pardon the pun) of raising a child with a man who never wanted children. I was plagued by thoughts of my child asking about how we decided to have children and knowing that my options would be either to lie or to tell them that they'd been concieved decietfully. Eventually I decided to walk away from the relationship and look for a man who did want to have a family with me, whether concieved naturally, through IVF, surrogacy or adopted.

metrovelvet

I think there is a bizarre idea that you can be owed a baby. Its like you are trying to get a debt repaid or something.

I have a friend who has gone into early menopause due to the fact that her gp left her on a certain brand of birthcontrol for too long and has now caused this. This was GP negligence. She was also told now or never. She has a boyfriend much younger than she is who does not want a baby and she has always wanted kids. What has happenned to her is not the boyfriend's fault but the fault of the GP.

You cant always get what you want. Or you might be able to get what you want, a baby, but you might have to look for a different source. From people who volunteer their dna, not from people you steal it from.

tinkerbell

OP, life is not always "you get what you want". Seriously, you need to cop onto yourself. You are being completely selfish. You say your ex would make a great father, blah blah. Errr ... that is rubbish. He has told you that he does not want to have children at all. What makes you think that someone who specifically states that he doesn't want to have children would make a good father?

You are being so selfish here and thinking of nobody but yourself. And yes you are all "me me me, I want, I want, I want" and then "my desire to be a mother", and saying that this is what you were put on this earth for. You need to stop having such a narrow-mind. What you are doing is completely wrong, immoral, dishonest and pathetic.

If you are that desperate to have a baby, then go adopt one if you won't do the sperm donor route. I seriously hope your ex finds out what you are up to, my guessing is if he knew you were trying to get pregnant, he'd be steering well clear of you. You are being completely disrespectful to him and you clearly do not love him at all to say you are willing to deceive him into something that is huge (i.e. fatherhood).

Contessa Raven

Why did you post here OP?

For advice?

The general consensus on this thread is that you are being extremely deceptive and selfish wth regards to wanting a child. You are effectively trying to trap this man into a responsibility he has no wish to bear. IMO that is one of the most disgusting things a person can do to someone.

You seem to be here looking for people to tell you that you are in the right and that what you are doing is ok. It's not and I don't think that the posters here will tell you otherwise.

If you won't listen to the advice you asked for, then I do not think there is any point in posting.

CR

LegacyUser

Well OP I dont agree AT ALL with what you are proposing but sounds like you are both using each other equally. He is using you for regular sex and you are using him to try to get pregnant. He is a bit of a thicko if he continues to have unprotected sex (meaning him not ensuring a condom is used) with someone (a) he is not in a relationship with and (b) who wanted to get pregnant by him a year ago...

Move on and find another man who will want to be there with you and the kid.