Tricked into baby

LegacyUser

I tricked my boyfriend into having a baby and now I feel so bad.

OUr relationship was so perfect, still is really apart from the fact that this is eating away at me.

We had planned on having babies but from a practical point of view we seemed to be about two years off the ideal time. My oh hadn't made that decision either, it was both of us so it's not like he was compromising or anything. I was broody but knew that it would be better down the line.

I don't know why or what came over me, I missed the pill two days in a row and I just kind of thought how easy it would be to keep missing them. I sort of justified it to myself by thinking there is never an ideal time and would always be some reason not too. So i kept missing them and towards the end of the month I came to my senses. I did an early pregnancy test the day before my period was due and it was negative. I thought, I was relieved, thought I'd had a lucky escape so went and bought my next packet of pills and waited for my period. It didn't come and the next test I did was positive.

My oh was really happy when I told him and to be honest all the practicalities that we had worried about are actually fine. I'm over half way there now so won't be long until baby arrives.

I just feel like I've tainted our relationship, I don't know if I should tell him or not. He is happy out now and it seems sort of selfish to tell him to relieve my own guilty conscience. But on the other doesn't he have a right to know.

astra2000

Hi op congrats on your pregnancy. I dont believe that telling your bf will be of either benefit to either of you, it will shake his trust in you and you may never get that back. You are about to start on a whole new chapter of your lives and I am sure you want to give your baby the best possible start been born into a war zone wouldnt be that. You are lucky that your bf is happy about the baby or you would have a lot more guilt to deal with. But please learn from your lesson and dont ever decieve your bf again you got away with it this time I doubt you would be as lucky again.
I know it is hard for you to live with the guilt but I doubt that telling your bf is going to help matters you would just be making him feel bad too. Put all this behind you and start looking farward to your baby, stress is not good for you.

diverdad

astra2000 wrote: »

Hi op congrats on your pregnancy. I dont believe that telling your bf will be of either benefit to either of you, it will shake his trust in you and you may never get that back.

Not a lot to feel very guilty about. You were a bit sneaky and selfish to give in to you own broody feelings (naughty girl !) but a baby was discussed and agreed by both parties. The fact that he is pleased speaks volumns in itself.
Say nothing, enjoy the ride, stay guilt free.

Wibbs

While instinctively I would rage against the level of betrayal of trust you've pulled here and would feel he deserves to know, I too would agree with astra2000 on this. What good will it do telling him now? None. All it would do is help you with your guilt momentarily and that would be another selfish act on top of the original one. It would do little for the relationship. It would likely break his heart and probably break you up and that's no good now you're a family. So mark this down as an incredibly stupid act on your part and move on. We've all done stupid things in our lives. Its how we step back and handle them that marks us out as adults.

Wonkagirl

Now, i dont know your BF obviously, but chances are if you tell him he'll be raging.. nobody likes to be tricked into anything.

Everything is fine as it is, you are happy, he's happy, a baby is always a positive thing, so say nothing and get over the guilt and move on.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies, I guess I know what the right thing to do is. I just feel awful, we are engaged to be married, have had a blissful relationship from day one. rarely argue, trust and love each other completely. I know I was incredibly stupid and selfish and abused the trust he put in me. I guess my punishment should be to live with that.

Wibbs

diverdad wrote: »

Not a lot to feel very guilty about. You were a bit sneaky and selfish to give in to you own broody feelings (naughty girl !) but a baby was discussed and agreed by both parties.

This I disagree with on so many levels. The act was a purely selfish one. He may have agreed down the line, but as she points out he didnt agree at the moment and gave his reasons why. She chose to make his decision for him. She took away his reproductive choice and that is quite simply wrong. That's more than being a "naughty girl" and it's an example of why a large proportion of men think(wrongfully) that women cant be trusted with this stuff.

The fact that he is pleased speaks volumns in itself.

Of course he's pleased as he thought it was an accident and now he has a child. There are very few men who would be as pleased knowing it was planned without his knowledge. If a man told a woman who didnt want children that he had the snip and lied, how would that go down? Not very well. It's about trust pure and simple.

Say nothing, enjoy the ride, stay guilt free.

Handy moral compass that. While guilt is a useless emotion long term, it is useful at the time to learn from. Deciding "ahh sure it was nothing" means the person doesnt learn. That rarely ends well. To be fair to the OP she seems to realise the level of what she's done and is looking for advice. Like I said, it was wrong, but don't tell him to assuage that guilt, learn from it and move on

How Strange

I'm pregnant too at he moment and previously myself and oh discussed kids and he said he didn't want them. The tricking thing crossed my mind on occasion but no matter what happened I knew I couldn't do that to him. He deserved better from me. Our decision to have a child was mutual and that us a huge relief to me. He's delighted at the thoughts of being a dad.

Op you did something wrong but fortunately for you, your oh and your unborn child things are working out for the better. I agree with the others in that telling your oh will achieve nothing but to relieve your guilt in the short term.

Keep it to yourself and cope with your guilt privately.

LegacyUser

OP -I was in the same position as your b/f so for me it wasn't the baby thing which could be handled but the stuff that came afterwards.

If someone is defering having children they have their own reasons and they could be financial or goal driven or relationship driven. Mine were careerwise, studying and travel.So those opportunities were affected in my life.

However, when it happened to me it was a pattern of my ex putting her needs first all the time. So really, while it worked out this time what other decisions will this affect.

In my case, what happened was that my ex gave up work despite saying she would not and it had a huge impact on our lives financially as our mortgage was based on two salaries. My college course became a luxury item etc. I needed the qualification to increase my earnings. What I remember most about the relationship was the constant uncertainty and sense of dread about what was coming around the corner as a result of her decisions.I ended up going abroad and the rest is history.

Now I love my kids and have a great relationship with them but I could not go through that again and the result was that it became a pattern of decisions and I could never believe a word she said. So what I am saying to you is knowing that you are capable of making one such decision by yourself be careful that you do not do the same on other items. It gets more serious from here on.

I am with those who say to you not to say anything but I am saying to you is that in doing so you need to honestly evaluate your whole situation and look at situations like costs, work, and the others needs and aspirations too. Especially, look at the finacial and lifestyle coinsequences as those are the ones that cause the most problems.

Good look with your pregnancy and motherhood and to you both.

LegacyUser

And the problem is...? You said he was "really happy" when you told him,& that the practicalities are sorting themselves out just fine.
Although in an ideal (read fairytale) world, you would both have come to a mutual agreement about the exact time to have a child, sometimes life can't be put into neat little boxes, & relationships aren't always about being 100% in agreement. You clearly knew in your heart that he would respond positively& that things would be ok.
(Plus, if your OH was so intent on NOT having a family, shouldn't/wouldn't he have worn protection? Why should the responsibility/hassle have lain solely with you?)

LegacyUser

You can't change what's happened, so live with it and enjoy it! I've no idea of your age profile but if you are young you may have deprived not only yourself but your other half of several years of being able to enjoy married life without the stress and expense of a child. Having said that, a baby is a wonderful gift to a loving couple, don't taint the experience by using the word "tricked", he's happy, he knows you're pregnant so he knows the time when he thought it was safe to make love wasn't safe at all. Leave it be and enjoy every moment of it, you've nothing to be sorry for now and besides you are engaged and I trust you were engaged before this happend. Don't go spoiling the joyful feelings you both have and maybe remember this when he's looking to go off on a lads weekend in the future and just let him have his moments of freedom as your own way of making yourself feel better!

Good luck with the baby!

Sound Bite

OP, totally out of order but in fairness you acknowledge this so it goes a small way towards redeeming yourself.

I'm usually a huge believer in trust in a relationship, however, in this case I think you have to keep it to yourself.

The past is the past, and in order to have the best chance of providing a happy future for your unborn child say nothing. Don't tell anyone else either (regardless of how much you trust them) as these things have a way of coming out over time.

To tell him would most likely have devasting consequences for your relationship & your child.

Wibbs

dadfd wrote: »

And the problem is...? You said he was "really happy" when you told him,& that the practicalities are sorting themselves out just fine.

Well without the full facts it's easy to be really happy.

Although in an ideal (read fairytale moral) world

Fixed your post.

you would both have come to a mutual agreement about the exact time to have a child, sometimes life can't be put into neat little boxes, & relationships aren't always about being 100% in agreement. You clearly knew in your heart that he would respond positively& that things would be ok.

So that makes it ok then? To deceive a partner to fit into ones own internal needs, because it suits you? Bad enough if it's a bit of a fiddle on the credit card, but a new life? Eh. No.

(Plus, if your OH was so intent on NOT having a family, shouldn't/wouldn't he have worn protection? Why should the responsibility/hassle have lain solely with you?)

Oh nice. Really nice way to absolve responsibility. Well thats a handy out altogether. What if he had had a vasectomy without telling her? Would that be OK? After all he would be avoiding the neat little boxes, by taking away her right to chose about her reproduction. Yea I can see that going down real well.

babygottheblues wrote: »

don't taint the experience by using the word "tricked", he's happy, he knows you're pregnant so he knows the time when he thought it was safe to make love wasn't safe at all.

I really can't believe what I'm reading here. Maybe take off those baby tinted glasses for a second and read what she wrote. She was on the pill. He naturally trusted her on that score. Yes contraception fails all the time, but she chose a deliberate act to remove that doubt, without his knowledge. Pity you and others are missing this salient point. I'm quite sure you would rightfully be up in arms if a man tried to control your reproductive choices. Yet you can write with a clear heart and mind that what's good for the goose isn't applicable to the gander? Unreal.

Leave it be and enjoy every moment of it, you've nothing to be sorry for now and besides you are engaged and I trust you were engaged before this happend.

Which makes it OK then.

Don't go spoiling the joyful feelings you both have

This I agree with, but I suspect from entirely different angles.

and maybe remember this when he's looking to go off on a lads weekend in the future and just let him have his moments of freedom as your own way of making yourself feel better!

Kudos. You've just made every gobsheen man who thinks all women think like this a lot happier in their stupidity. "Moments of freedom"? Sweet Jesus.

At least the OP knows she screwed up and had a serious lapse of judgement. Her choices did make me go a little "Huh?", but to be fair she sees it and understands the responsibility attached. That's why she's here and fair play to her. Some of the replies make me shake my head and wonder about a section of women kind that should have died out along with the equally daft misogynist male notion of women. Any man reading this thread will be drawn to the latter, because of the former. I will admit I first read this thread thinking WTF? about the OP. I as wrong. Now I add that WTF? to many of the replies. Since 2005 I've rarely enough been surprised on this forum by the replies. Well done, you and others replies have shocked me.

LegacyUser

Thats absolutley shocking.... OP, I dont know how you are getting away so lightly here and I am female... There is no point telling him but your whole relationship is based on a huge lie. What was the huge rush that ended up in this level of deception? Its this kind of cr@p that gives women a bad name..

Taltos

OP - what you have done here is my worst scenario.
While a teenager I decided I just did not want children - for a variety of reasons - some selfish some I thought at the time not so much.

Were I to find myself a father - I guess I would try to be happy however and it is a big however, if I felt that my partner "tricked" me into becoming a father - I would support the child financially and be the best father I could ever be - but I would have to seriously consider the future of my relationship with the mother. Trust to me is one of the corner-stones of any relationship.

I am unsure whether you should live with this guilt alone or not, as going forwards your relationship is now continuing on from this lie. However, you do have to weigh all outcomes from revealing your deceit.
I think I might be better off not knowing, and I mean - NEVER knowing. This is something you will have to take to your grave if you decide to keep it silent now.

Yet another reason though so many of us get the snip when we decide not to have children...
It's weird on one level I am happy for you, but on another I am saddened at what this says for your relationship.

How Strange

I can empathise with the op to a point as I understand what it's like to both want different things however tricking someone into something as life changing as parenthood when they've never expressed a desire to be a parent is incredibly selfish.

The ends don't justify the means imo. In my case I just assumed we'd break up at some stage if or when my desire to have kids became too strong to accept a childless relationship.

I still think the op should keep quiet and as Taltos said take it to the grave with her. There is a child involved now.

I'd just hope the op sees what she did was entirely selfish and deceitful and she never dies anything like that again because a good solid relationship has to be built on trust and mutual respect even when you don't like what the other person is saying to you.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies.

I don't think our relationship is based on a lie because of this. We had a strong and loving relationship ever before this and both wanted children. We've been together 5 years and are both in our late twenties. We were in agreement that we would have them straight away if we could but the practicalities were really on my side and to do with my career. I have a problem that meant I may have trouble conceiving,if I was able to conceive at all and the worry that leaving it until I am 30 might reduce our chances even more got to me.

There is no doubt that my OH wanted a family so I haven't tricked him into something he didn't want. He loves children and I even worried that down the line if I couldn't have them it would cause problems for us. We are sound financially, probably better off now than we have ever been since our mortgage and cost of living has come down so it's not that I have pushed him into something that we can't afford.

I know I made the decision to do it now and that was wrong. Looking back if I'd talk to him about my worries he probably would have agreed to start trying anyways but I didn't give him that option. I am truly sorry for it but it doesn't diminish the fact that we love each other very much.

I've thought about it a lot and considered all the replies and I've decided to keep it to myself and try to make it up to him in every way that I can.

Motley Crue

devilwoman82 wrote: »

I tricked my boyfriend into having a baby and now I feel so bad.

I just feel like I've tainted our relationship, I don't know if I should tell him or not. He is happy out now and it seems sort of selfish to tell him to relieve my own guilty conscience. But on the other doesn't he have a right to know.

You have tainted the relationship. You should feel ashamed. There was trust in both parties, he obviously trusted you enough that he didn't wear a condom in bed with you because you had assured him you were on the pill. He obviously trusts you still because he hasn't questioned how a contraception method, if used correctly, that is 99% effective has actually managed to fail?

What about when you want a brother or sister for your baby? Are you going to make that decision, are you going to trick him again or insist you have children on your terms. Why couldn't you have waited two years...you'd talked about it, he'd said no and you'd said "well, stuff him anyway"

If you don't tell him, you'll probably be feeling guilty until you learn to deal with that guilt, but I tell you now, your relationship is built on a lie. I cannot congratulate you on this pregnancy and I can only hope if you have a shred of decency you will tell him the truth and if you are extremely lucky he may agree, yes he may make his own decision, to stay with you. But if it was me I wouldn't.

LegacyUser

How Strange wrote: »

I can empathise with the op to a point as I understand what it's like to both want different things however tricking someone into something as life changing as parenthood when they've never expressed a desire to be a parent is incredibly selfish.

The ends don't justify the means imo. In my case I just assumed we'd break up at some stage if or when my desire to have kids became too strong to accept a childless relationship.

I still think the op should keep quiet and as Taltos said take it to the grave with her. There is a child involved now.

I'd just hope the op sees what she did was entirely selfish and deceitful and she never dies anything like that again because a good solid relationship has to be built on trust and mutual respect even when you don't like what the other person is saying to you.

He does want children, he always said he wanted children. We had just agreed it was better to wait a year or two until I was more established in my career.

I do take it on board that I was wrong to decieve him though

pollypocket10

My OP you've dug a nice little hole for yourself.

Normally I wouldn't condone a lie but in this case there is now another child involved. There is no way to tell how he would react to this news. If he is as happy as you say he then I suppose ignorance is bliss in this case. You've acknowledged you were wrong and you should learn from this.

On a lighter note congrats on your pregnancy. This isn't a time to be putting yourself under additional stress so try not to worry too much.

Wibbs

Motley Crue wrote: »

What about when you want a brother or sister for your baby? Are you going to make that decision, are you going to trick him again or insist you have children on your terms.

That may be an issue alright(and I have seen examples of it). Hopefully the OP has learned from the current situation.

If you don't tell him, you'll probably be feeling guilty until you learn to deal with that guilt, but I tell you now, your relationship is built on a lie. I cannot congratulate you on this pregnancy and I can only hope if you have a shred of decency you will tell him the truth and if you are extremely lucky he may agree, yes he may make his own decision, to stay with you. But if it was me I wouldn't.

Easy enough to be outside it and say that. Don't get me wrong MC, this kinda thing(and I've seen a few examples of same in my own life with others) really really fires me up, but there is a child involved now. The OP has said that her partner wasn't against having children, but she forced the issue. That was wrong, but I would be very wary of blurting this out to either relieve her guilt or for the sake of full disclosure. I'd be thinking of the bigger picture. She keeps quiet, learns from this mistake(and it was a big one), doesnt pull it again when she gets broody again and both grow from this. The alternative? She tells him. Momentary easing of guilt. He either flips the lid and walks, or more likely flips the lid, calms down and stays because he loves her and wanted kids anyway, but I'd put money down the line this will come back to haunt them both and their family.

It would be my opinion and experience that "honesty" is not black and white. Its easier to think it is though. Unless your name is Mr Christ or Mr Buddha, we keep our own counsel and lie to ourselves and others every single day to some degree or other. Why? Because it takes the edge of our interactions. Now this is a big lie, but I'd prefer to build something good out of the lie, than to burn it all down and lose more than the telling would gain.

My 2 cents anyway.

Motley Crue

pollypocket10 wrote: »

Normally I wouldn't condone a lie but in this case there is now another child involved. There is no way to tell how he would react to this news.

First of all, has everyone on this thread GONE MAD! Wibbs was right, you guys are making no sense, and I'm appalled at the attitude here - is it so much easier to act like nothing is wrong then deal with the problem. If we let this seed of doubt and mischief grow into a big flower, won't this just lead to more and more lies in the relationship. In fact, this pregnancy is based on a lie, unless the OP does something about it.

To use a gardening metaphor, we need to weed this problem now!

And what about all the times that the BF says
"You know, I don't deserve you!" - is she going to break down inside

They have to plan their lives around the child now, they can't travel, they can't go on holiday really until he's a little older, then they've to think about his formal schooling and education within the next 5 years or so - by that time they might want another, because since they've started, it might be easier for the BF to willingly accept another....this is pure madness, this is a complete joke....and it's not in the slightest bit funny

pollypocket10 wrote: »

If he is as happy as you say he then I suppose ignorance is bliss in this case.

No, no it's not...and what about if he isn't happy, what about if he is also lying to his GF...making a pretence for her, because he knows how much she wanted children as soon as possible. What about if he goes to work and feels shattered and dejected inside but can't talk about it with the one person he's supposed to have complete trust and faith in...

pollypocket10 wrote: »

You've acknowledged you were wrong and you should learn from this.

No she didn't. She asked for advice on what to do. She said she felt bad but she didn't acknowledge any wrong doing. She is waiting for others to make that moral decision for her. And she said this, anonymously, on an Internet forum to a group of strangers.

She's not admitting anything to anyone, because the reason people vent their problems here and not in the real world, is because they feel isolated and alone and they know they have nobody to turn to. Why doesn't the OP go to a family member or a doctor, a counsellor, a priest...probably because all these people would tell her to admit to her deceit. Not a mistake, deceit.

If I told you I was an alcoholic on this forum and that I admit I have a problem, do you simply congratulate me for admitting that and leave me be, I think I would need the help and support of people to get off drink before it destroys my life and my relationship with those I love.

pollypocket10 wrote: »

On a lighter note congrats on your pregnancy. This isn't a time to be putting yourself under additional stress so try not to worry too much.

How easy to tell her that, and then feel as if you've done your good deed for the day.

Try not to worry? She's just lied to her partner to create a life, a life built on a deceit so that she could have her own way when she was told no, and a deceit she won't speak to any normal person about. If she's half way through her term that means she's had several months, MONTHS....to think about it every day and not approach ANYONE about it....how is that an admission of guilt. How is she learning from anything?

pollypocket10

Motley Crue wrote: »

First of all, has everyone on this thread GONE MAD! Wibbs was right, you guys are making no sense, and I'm appalled at the attitude here - is it so much easier to act like nothing is wrong then deal with the problem. If we let this seed of doubt and mischief grow into a big flower, won't this just lead to more and more lies in the relationship. In fact, this pregnancy is based on a lie, unless the OP does something about it.

To use a gardening metaphor, we need to weed this problem now!

And what about all the times that the BF says
"You know, I don't deserve you!" - is she going to break down inside

They have to plan their lives around the child now, they can't travel, they can't go on holiday really until he's a little older, then they've to think about his formal schooling and education within the next 5 years or so - by that time they might want another, because since they've started, it might be easier for the BF to willingly accept another....this is pure madness, this is a complete joke....and it's not in the slightest bit funny



No, no it's not...and what about if he isn't happy, what about if he is also lying to his GF...making a pretence for her, because he knows how much she wanted children as soon as possible. What about if he goes to work and feels shattered and dejected inside but can't talk about it with the one person he's supposed to have complete trust and faith in...



No she didn't. She asked for advice on what to do. She said she felt bad but she didn't acknowledge any wrong doing. She is waiting for others to make that moral decision for her. And she said this, anonymously, on an Internet forum to a group of strangers.

She's not admitting anything to anyone, because the reason people vent their problems here and not in the real world, is because they feel isolated and alone and they know they have nobody to turn to. Why doesn't the OP go to a family member or a doctor, a counsellor, a priest...probably because all these people would tell her to admit to her deceit. Not a mistake, deceit.

If I told you I was an alcoholic on this forum and that I admit I have a problem, do you simply congratulate me for admitting that and leave me be, I think I would need the help and support of people to get off drink before it destroys my life and my relationship with those I love.



How easy to tell her that, and then feel as if you've done your good deed for the day.

Try not to worry? She's just lied to her partner to create a life, a life built on a deceit so that she could have her own way when she was told no, and a deceit she won't speak to any normal person about. If she's half way through her term that means she's had several months, MONTHS....to think about it every day and not approach ANYONE about it....how is that an admission of guilt. How is she learning from anything?

I think you need to step back from the situation a bit, this subject is obviously hitting close to home from you.

The OP is clearly admitting she is wrong, she has talked about tainting their relationship and how it is eating her up. I think that says it all.

She also said they were planning a family so I'm sure that they've already considered how it will affect their lives with regards to schooling etc.

You are assuming that the OP's fiancé doesn't want children at all but the OP clearly has stated he does.

Don't get me wrong I don't think what she did was right, but the deed is done now. There is a baby on the way and that baby is now the priority. It comes ahead of the OPs guilt or her fiancé's feelings. The priority is how the baby will be affected and if the ops admission breaks up what sounds like an otherwise perfectly stable relationship then that will have a hugely detrimental effect on the baby.

Stress is also not good for the baby, I am pregnant myself and I know it can be stressful even in perfect conditions, so the OP needs to stop beating herself up and look to building the future for her family.

Wibbs

pollypocket10 wrote: »

Don't get me wrong I don't think what she did was right, but the deed is done now. There is a baby on the way and that baby is now the priority. It comes ahead of the OPs guilt or her fiancé's feelings. The priority is how the baby will be affected and if the ops admission breaks up what sounds like an otherwise perfectly stable relationship then that will have a hugely detrimental effect on the baby.

Plus 1.

Stress is also not good for the baby, I am pregnant myself and I know it can be stressful even in perfect conditions, so the OP needs to stop beating herself up and look to building the future for her family.

Plus 1 again. If we look at ourselves and work on what has been a lapse in judgement, we can turn even the biggest mistake into something positive in the long term. Which is far better than wallowing in the mistake itself.

Motley Crue

devilwoman82 wrote: »

I have a problem that meant I may have trouble conceiving,if I was able to conceive at all and the worry that leaving it until I am 30 might reduce our chances even more got to me.

I feel for you. Medically, a woman is generally advised to have her first child by the age of 29, it reduces the risk of ovarian cancer and there are a lot of positive health implications for herself and the baby if she is planning on starting a family.

I know you mentioned that it was more to do with your job then his then for the reason you haven't already had kids....but still, if a decision was made, stick to it. Accidents happen, fact of life, but deceit can eat away at you. I'm more appalled by the attitude of posters here saying you should take it to the grave then your own actions - the typical "well nothing can be done now" bull**** mentality.

devilwoman82 wrote: »

I know I made the decision to do it now and that was wrong. Looking back if I'd talk to him about my worries he probably would have agreed to start trying anyways but I didn't give him that option. I am truly sorry for it but it doesn't diminish the fact that we love each other very much.

No, it doesn't, but the fact is that he "probably" would have agreed, you don't know, and with all due respect you took that decision from him...you made a choice about something, something that is probably the biggest choice a couple can make in their lives, without consulting him 100% - just 70%

You got broody, as you admit, and just decided to go ahead with it.

Having said that, working in the UK, I've met a lot of women who just don't seem to care about the man's feelings and simply want a baby - if the man wants to leave, let him leave. BBC Three does a show called 'Under-age and Pregnant' and it's very very true and real to life in representing a section of UK society. So actually, I applaud you on at least feeling guilty, because a lot of women wouldn't. I understand you're not under-age but there are people older then you who would act like a spoiled brat until they got a child. And if you can give a child a loving home then he's (or she's) better off then growing up in a single parent environment

devilwoman82 wrote: »

I've thought about it a lot and considered all the replies and I've decided to keep it to myself and try to make it up to him in every way that I can.

I'm not sure if you can make it up to him, if you mean being nice to him and spending a little extra on a Christmas present, or doing something special for him in the bedroom one night.....you seem to be nice to each other anyway....so what can make up for this? And even still, he doesn't know.

metrovelvet

Oh wow oh wow.

You will pay a price for this lie and a dear one. Because you are about to embark on a union with someone who doesn't really know who you are.

Not only that, but the guilt will eat at you and end up being destructive. It always does one way or another. Secrets are like emotional venereal disease.

You are already going to punish yourself by 'making it up to him little by little." Jesus Christ, what kind of life is that?

By tricking him, you have already demonstrated that you do not trust him enough to be able to talk to about your fears.

By withholding what you did, you show you do not trust him enough to understand why you did what you did.

I think everyone on this thread has gone completely mad.

LegacyUser

devilwoman82 wrote: »

I don't think our relationship is based on a lie because of this.

Everyone else here does.....

devilwoman82 wrote: »

1 We had a strong and loving relationship ever before this and both wanted children.
2 We've been together 5 years and are both in our late twenties.
3 We were in agreement that we would have them straight away if we could but the practicalities were really on my side and to do with my career.
4 I have a problem that meant I may have trouble conceiving,if I was able to conceive at all and the worry that leaving it until I am 30 might reduce our chances even more got to me.

4 justifications above....

devilwoman82 wrote: »

There is no doubt that my OH wanted a family so I haven't tricked him into something he didn't want.

But you have tricked him on one of the biggest decisions any person will ever have to make...

devilwoman82 wrote: »

5 He loves children and I even worried that down the line if I couldn't have them it would cause problems for us.
6 We are sound financially, probably better off now than we have ever been since our mortgage and cost of living has come down so it's not that I have pushed him into something that we can't afford.

2 more justifications

So you worry about the relationship if you cant have kids then how is this relationship strong enough top choose to bring kids into?

devilwoman82 wrote: »

I know I made the decision to do it now and that was wrong. Looking back if I'd talk to him about my worries he probably would have agreed to start trying anyways but I didn't give him that option. I am truly sorry for it but it doesn't diminish the fact that we love each other very much.

He loves who he thinks you are....

devilwoman82 wrote: »

I've thought about it a lot and considered all the replies and I've decided to keep it to myself and try to make it up to him in every way that I can.

Nothing could make this up for me. If it were a man who had done this, there would be ,murder on the forum....

You can justify all you want but no one is buying it other than you. It was a low blow to the man you are supposed to love... Hope it never comes out for your sake and the kids as well.

_Kaiser_

Completely agree with Wibbs, MC, MetroVelvet...

The OP, as she says herself, tricked her boyfriend into having a baby.
It's not "sneaky" or "naughty" or whatever.. it's outright cynical, planned deception and there can be no excuse for it.

The guy wasn't ready for kids yet (for whatever reason) and she chose to disregard that and get pregnant because SHE wanted a child now.

I cannot stand this double-standard that's applied where the whole area of pregnancy and children is concerned. Ultimately the (future) mother gets to make the final decision and the father (willingly or not) has to live with the consequences - be that have the baby or otherwise.

Anyway, there's no point in telling the guy now as the "damage" has been done and the child's welfare has to come first. Luckily (for the OP) he's accepted it and seems happy about it (or maybe has just realised there's no point in arguing now - who knows!), but I still think her "equality on my terms" attitude is a disgrace and not something to be commended or excused as some people have done here.

Nevyn

You shouldn't have done it, you know you shouldn't have done it, don't ever do it again.

That being said you have to now weigh up the consequences of telling him and the fall out for your family.
Feeling guilty and burdening him with what you did and causing the break up of the family and your child not be brought up in a home with two parents maybe just as selfish.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice but I've made my min dup on what I'd like to do and I don't need anymore insults.

My Oh knows me better than anyone on here and still does. I was weak and selfish but it doesn't take away from the 5 good years we've had together and how much we love each other.

He didn't say he didn't want kids, he didn't even want to wait. WE had agreed that we should wait until I had gotten promoted to a certain role because going on maternity leave will certainly hold me back. My priorities changed and I should have consulted him but I didn't.

I know he is happy because he can't contain his excitement, he is already talking about the next one and planning to have it asap so they will be close in age.

I am not a bad person, I love my oh very much. I was weak and did something wrong, I regret it now but there isn't anything that will change it so I just have to live with it and make sure that I never deceive him again.

Motley Crue

Thaedydal wrote: »

That being said you have to now weigh up the consequences of telling him and the fall out for your family.

I think not telling him, and maybe saying something in anger during an argument 5, 10 or even 20 years down the road, will cause massive problems in the future and is even causing problems in the present. Every time they share a moment together, every time they make love, she has this eating away at her.

And I think it's obvious she knows what she done is really wrong and she can't live with it.

Thaedydal wrote: »

Feeling guilty and burdening him with what you did and causing the break up of the family and your child not be brought up in a home with two parents maybe just as selfish.

The problem I have is that the OP is not telling anyone with whom she shares a caring opinion, she's actually telling a group of strangers on an internet forum, and hoping that she can justify her choice in her own head. She's not taking responsibility because deep down she knows if she told ANYONE else who she is friendly with or a family member or someone in confidence they would advise her not to keep her own counsel on this issue....

Her opinion throughout this thread has changed as soon as she see's people say something along the lines of "stay together for the kids" or take this to your grave because what's done is done...you don't need the stress etc....and she seems to be now defending her choice to remain silent on the issue....

I think personally, if I met a woman like this, I'd be terrified to spend my life with her. But then, hey, I'd never know the real her.....

Just the idea that this father's whole experience of being a Dad for the first time is based on such a massive deceit...it actually really, personally, gets to me. I don't have kids of my own but I am 100% confident that my girlfriend would never even contemplate this kind of sordid action.

sunflower27 wrote: »

I think you know yourself you've learn't a big lesson. And by the sounds of the regret you feel it isn't something you will do again...

Where has she said that? Where has she admitted any knowledge of learning a big lesson, where has she said that she will never do it again....she has said she regrets it, and shouldn't have done it...how has she learned anything? We're all strangers. She needs to speak to someone about it, someone whose opinion matters.

If a child robs from a store because he wants the toy off the shelf and you then allow the child to keep that toy when you find out, without offering any consequence or punishment....that child will go on to rob....

The Corinthian

devilwoman82 wrote: »

I am not a bad person, I love my oh very much. I was weak and did something wrong, I regret it now but there isn't anything that will change it so I just have to live with it and make sure that I never deceive him again.

The practical side of me says that you have nothing to gain from telling him and that only further pain will come of it.

At the same time, a core pillar of your relationship is now built on a lie and, unless he knows and forgives you for it, it will not change. Ever.

You will probably deceive him again. For all your protestations, I don't get the feeling you actually think have done anything wrong. There's too much rationalization there about how "he always wanted children" anyway and sooner or later you'll end up deceiving him again and rationalize that too. So I don't think you've really learned anything in the end.

The sooner they perfect the pill for men, the better.

Motley Crue

devilwoman82 wrote: »

My Oh knows me better than anyone on here and still does.

He doesn't know about this. And I doubt he ever will. And you came here seeking anonymity, that's why you posted here in the first place, and decided not to speak to your family or friends about it. That's why you decided not to speak to him about it.

devilwoman82 wrote: »

I was weak and selfish but it doesn't take away from the 5 good years we've had together and how much we love each other.

Actually it does, it removes everything from your relationship, because deceit on this level means that you have made a decision so crucial without his explicit backing that you cannot be trusted. Plain and simple.

devilwoman82 wrote: »

He didn't say he didn't want kids, he didn't even want to wait. WE had agreed that we should wait until I had gotten promoted to a certain role because going on maternity leave will certainly hold me back.

Nobody responding to any of these threads has EVER said your other half didn't want children, they all know that he did want them at some time in the future, but not right now. That was made obvious in your first post. If you both made an agreement you both found mutually beneficial and wanted to change it, then in a proper trusting relationship, you would have spoken about it.

devilwoman82 wrote: »

My priorities changed and I should have consulted him but I didn't.

Yes. Exactly. You were wrong and living with that lie is a terrible, terrible thing to do. Period.

How many times did you make love to him when you stopped taking your pill. What time frame are we talking about here? How many times did you engage in penetrative sex knowing there was a chance you could get pregnant? For every time you did that, you could have stopped or put on the brakes.

devilwoman82 wrote: »

I know he is happy because he can't contain his excitement, he is already talking about the next one and planning to have it asap so they will be close in age.

Of course he is, because the first child is already on the way, and you got your little wish and you sped time up and everything worked out - for you...and maybe now you want a brother or sister asap, what does that mean, within a few months of the birth of the first child? All long before the 2 year plan you both agreed too.

Or does that mean within a year or two. What about if when the child is born he decides that its a financial burden, and so wants to wait until that baby is old enough to go to play school before another one is considered, and you decide 'hey, that's not what we agreed, that's not what I wanted!'

devilwoman82 wrote: »

I am not a bad person, I love my oh very much.

Don't doubt you love him, but your actions make you deceitful and untrustworthy, and your failure to admit to him your mistake means you know yourself that it is wrong and he may not forgive you. You may not be a bad person but you did something very very bad.

devilwoman82 wrote: »

I was weak and did something wrong, I regret it now but there isn't anything that will change it so I just have to live with it and make sure that I never deceive him again.

I'm not even going to get into the whole "what's done is done" argument, but this part gets me...make sure? Once you've opened this box, it will never be sealed, and you have to find a way to at least calm it down. You need to stop this denial. You have, in a round about way, trapped someone into having a child with you on your terms and in your time.

You didn't care about the feelings of another person in creating a life and you deceived someone into making love with you (you could have made up any excuse to keep him away when you stopped your pill or asked him to wear a condom) and creating a life. When you found out you were pregnant, it was never treated as a mistake or accident, you treated it as planned....you obviously have mental health issues and need clinical help.

You will not get that here, and I encourage you to go and find it.

LegacyUser

Why is it that all the boring contraceptive stuff is being put forward as solely the womans' responsibility?! If men don't want to risk the chance of the pill failing/a woman choosing or forgetting to take it, then they should wear protection. Simple as.

metrovelvet

I dont think you have mental health issues. I think you did something really stupid and have no idea how stupid.

You have just jackhammerd the San Andreas faultline into your relationship.

What's done is not done. Growing every day.

cinderella2010

I dont think you should tell him - what is done is done
and if you feel guilty then treat your guilt as a form of punishment for your bad behavior.....
As soon as the baby arrives you wont be thinking about these things
and I suspect you feel guilty because its not the ideal you had intended ie both trying and getting excited about it and knowing it was wanted on both sides

Such is life and enjoy being pregnant and I am sure you are not the first person in the work to do this and you wont be the last

Motley Crue

chilloutout wrote: »

Why is it that all the boring contraceptive stuff is being put forward as solely the womans' responsibility?! If men don't want to risk the chance of the pill failing/a woman choosing or forgetting to take it, then they should wear protection. Simple as.

Not simple as. He obviously decided not to use protection because she told him she was on the pill and she either didn't want him to use a condom or told him he didn't need to.

cinderella2010 wrote: »

and if you feel guilty then treat your guilt as a form of punishment for your bad behavior.....

mods might as well shut down this thread because my advice has fallen on deaf ears and the OP has now obviously left and doesn't give a **** about anything that tackles her choices on the matter...and these posters obviously believe that this kind of advice helps her....

This is absurd

I genuinely am considering shutting down my membership to Boards.ie after six years because of this thread. You should actually be ashamed to be taking this attitude. This woman was wrong, and that's ALL there is too it...

Nevyn

If people have issues with posts they should report them, complaining on thread is considered off topic posting.

Wibbs

Motley Crue wrote: »

Not simple as. He obviously decided not to use protection because she told him she was on the pill and she either didn't want him to use a condom or told him he didn't need to.

I would agree. The contraception aspect is a singular red herring. I would go further and suggest taking that tack in such a situation is a very easy way to get out of moral responsibility.

OK Let's turn it around. Guy has a long standing STD that could be prevented or massively reduced in transmission by wearing a condom. He doesnt inform his partner of this STD. They've been using condoms because she wasnt on the pill. So she goes on the pill so figures lets dispense with the comdoms. She gets the clap. Clearly it must be her fault as she should have insisted on condoms. Yea. I can see that one going down well.

You should actually be ashamed to be taking this attitude. This woman was wrong, and that's ALL there is too it...

I have found it is rarely a case of it ALL being to something. She was wrong, but I do think she knows this. I don't think she needs psychological help. Why is this the first bloody thing to comes as a solution these days. Anyway I digress. Yep she screwed up, but at least she is part of a couple that would have wanted this, just the timing was wrong. It's still bad, but I have seen and heard worse, where essentially the guy was a DNA filled turkey baster.

I would also say this is rare. Well its rarer than a lot of men think and a little more common than many women might imagine. The main thing is don't tar all women with the brush of the daft and selfish and hugely self centered ones. The daft, like the poor will always be with us.

The OP IMHO had a daft moment, in a loving relationship where the broodiness with the man she loved took over. A daft moment indeed, but we've all had them and it shouldnt define her life, love or family. The ones who are clinically daft? Leave them to it and the men out there who wont wear a condom because it feels crap? Well as well as the clap warnings let this be a lesson to you as well. You may sleep with 9 out of ten women who take personal responsibility and are daft, but it will protect you from the other one who may be.

metrovelvet

^ Yes but dont you think she should trust her other half to see it as you do Wibbs?

I see a double deception here. One in the act itself, and two in the withholding of information around it. It shows a total lack of trust in her partner.

I would question how well you know and trust each other.

BTW An std can kill you [AIDS]. A baby cannot.

LegacyUser

I'm a bit lost as to the STD analogy- is there not a difference between unilaterally imparting upon someone a disease, versus becoming pregnant a bit sooner than already planned by both parties(&even then, the original decision was based around the womans' career solely)?

LegacyUser

I am going unregged for this because I can relate to the OPs situation but from her OH's point of view.

I am a guy who has been married for 5 years now, two years into the relationship my wife announces that she is pregnant. We had planned to have a family after three years of marriage so we could be more financially secure and sort out things like a house, her moving up in her career to a more secure position, finishing my phd etc.... or so I thought, Anyways, I was delighted with the news (secretly stressed because of finance though) and took it as a blessing of chance. Fastforward 2 years (last year) and my wife tells me that she did exactly what you have done now. I have to tell you that this was the single most upsetting thing she has ever told me. Why?

Well, I have been the sole breadwinner in the relationship for over two years now, I had to give up on my PhD for the foreseeable future and had to stick it out in job that was soulshattering for me (all my plans and the plans myself and my wife had agreed to were changed because of her choice)... I gave up on my phd and hopes of a different career path to ensure the future of my family and in learning that it was because of my wifes deceit nearly destroyed us because I felt that that trust/choice was taken from me... I love my son, do not get me wrong, I also love my wife! but to trick a person like this to satisfy your own desires is selfish in the extreme (IMO)!!! Bringing a child up in modern Ireland is stressful and costly and it takes it's toll on both parents and in time if you OH finds out that you tricked him then do not expect a happy response from him.

Many people have come out here defending you and they sicken me because if a man did this to a woman there would be such a cry of outrage that the boards.ie servers would crash.....


I completely agree with Motley on this one. IMO you should be thoroughly ashamed with yourself.

When my son is old enough I will be advising him to always wear a condom regardless of how much he trust the woman he is with!!!

MissHoneyBun

Wibbs wrote: »

The OP had a daft moment where the broodiness with the man she loved took over. A daft moment indeed, but we've all had them and it shouldnt define her life, love or family.

No Wibbs, daft would have been volunteering him to babysit for the weekend, deceitful is volunteering him to do it for the rest of his life.
And reproducing a child with someone is about as definitive as it gets and no, it's certainly not something 'we've all' tricked people into doing.

AngryBadger

chilloutout wrote: »

I'm a bit lost as to the STD analogy- is there not a difference between unilaterally imparting upon someone a disease, versus becoming pregnant a bit sooner than already planned by both parties(&even then, the original decision was based around the womans' career solely)?

1) They made a plan TOGETHER, then she unilaterally decided "F&£* the plan I'm having a baby now", in so doing she effectively said "**** my partner it's all about me"

2) The OP herself has stated that one of the principal reasons they agreed to wait 1/2 years was so she could get settled into her job, which obviously has significant practical ramification in terms of what their finances will be raising this child and so on, all of which she has subsequently thrown to the wind by making the decision herself

3) As a basic point of trust and more importantly respect, do you not think deceiving your partner likle this is about the worst thing you can do? I mean the guy she's with was trusting her to abide by what they had discussed AS A COUPLE despite the fact that the OP obviously didn't really give a toss and just wanted to create a scenario where it was easy for her to justify having a baby "ahead of time"...

Saying that I'm just a man, so what would I know...

Also as you say the original plan was based solely around her own career, so why in the hell didn't she just tell her partner that having kids sooner was more important to her than her career? At least give the guy a chance rather than just decide "oh sure we're having babies at some point so....."

The Corinthian

chilloutout wrote: »

I'm a bit lost as to the STD analogy- is there not a difference between unilaterally imparting upon someone a disease, versus becoming pregnant a bit sooner than already planned by both parties(&even then, the original decision was based around the womans' career solely)?

Additionally, this "a bit sooner" nonsense is dreadful self-justification for such an act. By exactly the same logic, one could argue that a man dating a woman, where it has been discussed that sex will become part of the relationship at some stage, can freely drug her and have sex with her because she wanted to have it eventually anyway.

That so many have actually argued that she was entitled, or at least not unjustified, to carry out this deception is actually the most chilling thing about this thread. But that is because it points to this sort of thing being actually more common that we care to admit.

It is depressing to hear this "he should have worn a condom anyway" argument, not only for the obvious double standard (as highlighted by the STI analogy), but largely because it is an admission by the apologists of this crime that you cannot trust anyone - even the one who supposedly loves you.

trust-a-5-letter-word-like-.....- idiot! wrote: »

When my son is old enough I will be advising him to always wear a condom regardless of how much he trust the woman he is with!!!

Depressing, isn't it? Such are the legal, social and financial ramifications for a man, that we can no longer trust anyone we are with.

As I said, the sooner the male pill is perfected, the better. I suspect we'll see a collapse in the number of unplanned pregnancies in women in the 30 - 35 age group, when that happens.

MonkeyBone

I have to admit that boards is a great place to get a general idea on the female perspective in terms of certain issues..... having said that this thread scares the Sh*t out of me because so many have justified such an act of deceit. If a man did this it would be unforgivable and he would be lenched by a mob of angry women with pitch forks (I am from the rural west so this is common )......

Thankfully I listen to the words of wisdom my father imparted to me before I left for college and always wear protection because going on the justification of a lot of posters here it is obvious that trust isn't something you can have in a committed relationship....

OP, I am sorry if this is harsh but I have to agree with Motley and The Corinthian on this one. In one sense I think you OH deserves to know but would he be understanding about it? I guess only you can know the answer to that... I also think you need to understand why you did this too and kept it from your OH. A concept that seems to be lost on you in the fact that any strong and lasting relationship is built on tenets of trust, caring and communication and you have ignored two (if not three) of these by doing what you did. This has been a life altering thing for both you and your OH. Every couple makes plans and shapes their future and their hopes and dreams together and they deal with the unexpected together. The key word here being together! You took that away from your OH by tricking him.

Miss Mimsy

First of all congrats Op!

Secondly, I do not think you should tell your boyfriend anything because you did nothing wrong. Ultimately it is you body so it is your choice. You boyfriend does not have to go through 9 months of pregnancy or childbirth so it is your choice. He should have been the one ensuring contraception if he was adament about waiting those two extra years but instead he left that element of risk.

I see a lot of guys outrages on this thread (Typical male response IMO :rolleyes:) but ignore them. You can see from many of the female perspectives that it is a happy outcome that should be your secret

Congrats again OP

Wibbs

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

No Wibbs, daft would have been volunteering him to babysit for the weekend, deceitful is volunteering him to do it for the rest of his life.
And reproducing a child with someone is about as definitive as it gets and no, it's certainly not something 'we've all' tricked people into doing.

Oh I know. What I meant is we all screw up, but I should have added to greater or lesser degrees. Of course this is a monumental and life changing one, but objectively the course of action is pretty much the same. She has to come to terms with this. Do NOT make excuses for it. Learn from it and change how she approaches life in the future.

chilloutout wrote: »

I'm a bit lost as to the STD analogy- is there not a difference between unilaterally imparting upon someone a disease, versus becoming pregnant a bit sooner than already planned by both parties(&even then, the original decision was based around the womans' career solely)?

Real simple. Choice. Trust is often about choice. A partnership certainly is. Where you both strive to involve each other in choices that will affect you. Otherwise for all the love stuff, you're a partnership of separate people. The STD analogy is as close as I can get from a male point of view(until the male pill comes out anyway). The timescale is another red herring BTW. You hear the timescale excuse in other relationship issues. In cheating it's a common one. "Oh well I jumped the bones of someone else but meant to leave my BF/GF, so that's OK then". Vague notion - event - guilt - backward justification of event - reinvention of the past - I'm all right Jack.

The Corinthian wrote: »

That so many have actually argued that she was entitled, or at least not unjustified, to carry out this deception is actually the most chilling thing about this thread. But that is because it points to this sort of thing being actually more common that we care to admit.

I would agree with a lot of that. The OP's situation is one thing, but many of the replies are head shaking alright. And yes this does happen more than we care to admit. I can think of three cases in my life where the women admitted it to me(but not the guy). I'd put my house deeds down as a bet on 3 others who didn't admit it. In another case I know a condom has split a couple up. Where he insisted on condom use, but she flipped over this claiming she was on the pill. Then admitted afterwards she wasn't to her women mates(who BTW flipped at her for being daft). I've defo seen it happen in marriages, where she wants more kids and he doesnt and lo and behold..... In the majority of cases I've seen the guy flips initially, but then when his child is born naturally forgets about all that when he falls in love with said child. It's not always planned directly either. Often it's a subconscious "forgetting".

That said it's also not as common as some (understandably)paranoid men would have it either. How can you tell as a man? You can't really. You have to rely on trusting your judgement on picking the woman you love(a whole other thread). Until then wear a condom.

The Corinthian

Miss Mimsy wrote: »

Secondly, I do not think you should tell your boyfriend anything because you did nothing wrong. Ultimately it is you body so it is your choice. You boyfriend does not have to go through 9 months of pregnancy or childbirth so it is your choice. He should have been the one ensuring contraception if he was adament about waiting those two extra years but instead he left that element of risk.

I am horrified by this response.

A child is not for 9 months, but for life. If it really is only about her body, then perhaps she should have the child, raise it alone and expect no support. But then suddenly we'd hear how it's no longer about her body but about the child. Funny how it's only about her body when it suits.

Having a child is a life changing decision, not only for the mother, but for everyone involved. That you think it acceptable to use deceit to enable a selfish lifestyle choice that irreversibly affects others is possibly one of the most disgusting and self-serving things I've ever heard.

Perhaps the OP's OH should sleep with another woman. After all, it's his body.

Wibbs

Miss Mimsy wrote: »

First of all congrats Op!

Secondly, I do not think you should tell your boyfriend anything because you did nothing wrong. Ultimately it is you body so it is your choice. You boyfriend does not have to go through 9 months of pregnancy or childbirth so it is your choice. He should have been the one ensuring contraception if he was adament about waiting those two extra years but instead he left that element of risk.

I see a lot of guys outrages on this thread (Typical male response IMO :rolleyes:) but ignore them. You can see from many of the female perspectives that it is a happy outcome that should be your secret

Congrats again OP

Unreal the level of pure womb driven selfishness in that.

If the health service wants to cut down massively on the transmission of STD's and unwanted pregnancies in this state, they could do worse than print this on big posters and stick em up in every boys school and on every bus shelter in Ireland.

Wibbs

My major disappointment in some of the women's replies in this thread is how it will bolster the prejudice against all women. It is NOT all women who think like this. It really isnt.