Control Freak? Or Single Mentality?

LegacyUser

I have a problem that is causing me deep doubt about the future of my relationship with my girlfriend.

I live about 40 miles from my friends. We usually meet and hang out in a town between us. So, travel takes about an hour and a half to get there. We only get to meet and hang on average twice a month due to the distance and other obligations. On average we hang for 7 to 8 hours. Pretty much we just goof around, eat, and bull****. No drinking or anything else.

The problem is my girlfriend does not want me doing this anymore. She says that we're living with each other now and I can't be going off for "a day" leaving her by herself. Essentially, I can visit them maybe once every two months, but only for two to three hours max. She said that I am thinking with a "single mentality" and that I should understand that this causes her great anxiety and makes her unhappy.

So, am I wrong here? My argument is that it's not only okay, but healthy for me to enjoy friendships outside of my committed relationship with her. She has lunch with her friends, but she also has the luxury of having friends that are local. I don't and I feel she should be understanding of that.

Guys advice sorely needed!

Fittle

Right, my first thoughts here is that you are being slightly economical with the truth.

Those 7/8 hrs. Are they overnighters? Are they (honestly) more than 7/8 hours...?

You will get replies that you want to hear, which are that your girlfriend has a lack of self esteem and that she has trust issues.

I'm not saying that she's not a control freak...I'd just like to know a bit more about your 'hanging out with your friends' nights, before I can figure out the answer to your question.

And with the utmost of respect OP, your analogy of your hanging out episodes....'we just eat, hang out and b@ll****...' sounds like something a 15yr old would do. Perhaps the girlfriend thinks it's a bit immature....?

baby and crumble

I really think your gf is being unreasonable, yes. My best friends are in Donegal and Limerick, and if I go to see them I go for a whole weekend, usually on my own, although sometimes my GF will come with me. Usually she takes the opportunity to meet up with her friends herself for a decent fun day! And to do stuff she can't do so easily with me being hyper on the couch beside her (like I dunno... read and stuff!!!)

But maybe you GF's attitude stems a bit from her not knowing what you guys do when you're together. I'm not saying its right, but a lot of girls get antsy when the 'lads' get together and they assume it's all lads nights out that you hear about on Ibiza uncovered :rolleyes:

Maybe you should invite her with you once so she can really find out what you guys do, where you go, and satisfy herself that you aren't scoring random chicks. Because I bet that's what it boils down to. And no doubt there's a friend somewhere convincing her that you're not actually to a friends house!

LegacyUser

Fittle wrote: »

Right, my first thoughts here is that you are being slightly economical with the truth.

Those 7/8 hrs. Are they overnighters? Are they (honestly) more than 7/8 hours...?

You will get replies that you want to hear, which are that your girlfriend has a lack of self esteem and that she has trust issues.

I'm not saying that she's not a control freak...I'd just like to know a bit more about your 'hanging out with your friends' nights, before I can figure out the answer to your question.

And with the utmost of respect OP, your analogy of your hanging out episodes....'we just eat, hang out and b@ll****...' sounds like something a 15yr old would do. Perhaps the girlfriend thinks it's a bit immature....?

The 7 to 8 hours would be something like 2pm to 10 pm. Sometimes they go over the 8 hr time period, but only because traveling is fraught with delays and unexpected nonsense such as the train being delayed and what not.

Oh it's immature and she thinks so too, but I think its better than I act like a 15 y/o old than go off to bars, etc where there's clearly just cause to be worried. Life's too serious. I think a bit of time to act like a fool, watch soccer, and talk **** is a good way to relieve stress.

LegacyUser

zoegh wrote: »

I really think your gf is being unreasonable, yes. My best friends are in Donegal and Limerick, and if I go to see them I go for a whole weekend, usually on my own, although sometimes my GF will come with me. Usually she takes the opportunity to meet up with her friends herself for a decent fun day! And to do stuff she can't do so easily with me being hyper on the couch beside her (like I dunno... read and stuff!!!)

But maybe you GF's attitude stems a bit from her not knowing what you guys do when you're together. I'm not saying its right, but a lot of girls get antsy when the 'lads' get together and they assume it's all lads nights out that you hear about on Ibiza uncovered :rolleyes:

Maybe you should invite her with you once so she can really find out what you guys do, where you go, and satisfy herself that you aren't scoring random chicks. Because I bet that's what it boils down to. And no doubt there's a friend somewhere convincing her that you're not actually to a friends house!

I've said to her that it would be tremendous if she joined me when her work schedule allows it, but she's been resistant because she doesn't want to go to my friend's house and watch soccer. Additionally, she hates my best friend, yet she's never met him because he talks to me all the time through text.

She says I can keep my friends, but what friendship is there if they never hang out with me? Eventually I will lose my friendships and be isolated.

magneticimpulse

Control Freak. You should never have to cut off contact with your friends. It is extremely healthy to have friends and its absolutely not healthy to spend 24-7 with one person.

You should try to talk to your gf about this and point out that for a healthy relationship you need space and your own free time. Twice a month to see your friends is not alot...so Ive no idea why she wont?

You will have to consider your options and status of your relationship with her, if she wont budge or compromise in the situation.

Good luck

OS119

Fittle wrote: »

Right, my first thoughts here is that you are being slightly economical with the truth.

Those 7/8 hrs. Are they overnighters? Are they (honestly) more than 7/8 hours...?

You will get replies that you want to hear, which are that your girlfriend has a lack of self esteem and that she has trust issues....

i wouldn't agree at all - the way the OP talks about 7/8 hrs says 'daytime' to me, if it were overnight he'd say 'overnight'.

we're talking about 2 days a month - even 2 weekend days out 8 possible weekend days a month - if the OP's GF has issues with him not being around for such a small period of time then all manner of alarms would ring for me - whether she's a control freak, needy, insecure or whatever wouldn't matter - what matters is that she can't handle entirely normal, healthy seperations within a 'living together' relationship.

were he away 50% of their 'weekend time' then she'd have a complaint, but he's not even touching 25%, and even then - assuming my supposition that he's only away in the daytime is correct - he's still about for the 100% of the evenings .

stiff conversation required i fear - but if she's unable to cope with that miniscule level of seperation then i can't see many other blokes putting up with her expectations of what a 'proper' relationship entails.

seenitall

Yup, control freak.

The best of luck with that one!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses so far.

I just also wanted to add that she doesn't like the idea of me visiting my mom by myself.

It's a sad situation because I love this girl and we click on the deepest levels, but I find her constraints on my comings and goings to be way too controlling.

Fittle

Depends on your age Op.

Had you posed this question in Ah, you'd have gotten answers similar to what you've gotten.

I think that she thinks your immature. I think that as you live together, you have responsibilities. What's the odds she doesn't p*ss off two days a month?

I think that she thinks you can't be trusted when you go off for your 7/8 hour days, two days a month.

She might be right. She might be wrong.

But if you're living together, you both have responsibilities. Not to forget your friends of course. But to move on from what was your single life and to commit to your (living together) life that I assume you've already committed to?

Milkmaid

OP sometimes there are two sides to this..
As some have mentioned you are living together and perhaps your GF thinks you are not going to settle down which is important if you plan to stay together longterm. Sometimes one half of a couple does not spend that much time with their other half or is being less attentive when they are together.
In your case though the thing about not visiting your mom is a bit worrying....I am mother to sons and I can see no reason why a man cannot visit the woman who gave birth to him..grrrrr

LegacyUser

Fair to Flair wrote: »

Additionally, she hates my best friend, yet she's never met him because he talks to me all the time through text.

???????
How can she know what someone is like without even meeting him? Unless you've been saying negative things about your friend, she should have no reason to hate him.

Sounds very immature (and controlling) to be honest.

Gyalist

What she is trying to do is isolate you from your support systems hence why she doesn't want you to socialise with your friends, has made no effort to meet your best friend, or does not want you to visit your mother on your own.

You have to stand your ground on this. Visiting your friends once a fortnight for a few hours or visiting your mother on your own is not unreasonable.

Kimia

FairtoFlair wrote: »

The 7 to 8 hours would be something like 2pm to 10 pm. Sometimes they go over the 8 hr time period, but only because traveling is fraught with delays and unexpected nonsense such as the train being delayed and what not.

Oh it's immature and she thinks so too, but I think its better than I act like a 15 y/o old than go off to bars, etc where there's clearly just cause to be worried. Life's too serious. I think a bit of time to act like a fool, watch soccer, and talk **** is a good way to relieve stress.

Alarm bells!!!

OP I'm going to go slightly against the grain here and say that you sound about 16 years of age - extremely immature. I would find it very weird if my bf disappeared for 8 hours every 2 weeks (where apparently it's difficult to commit to an actual return time because of 'unexpected delays') :rolleyes:

And your comment about there being 'just cause' for your gf to be worried if you go to bars - wtf is that all about??

I think you and your girlfriend are just not suited tbh. You want to 'hang' with the boys, and she wants a mature adult boyfriend who doesn't disappear every couple of weeks for god knows how long. Maybe go your separate ways.

OS119

Kimia wrote: »

....You want to 'hang' with the boys, and she wants a mature adult boyfriend who doesn't disappear every couple of weeks for god knows how long....

he's out for the day. twice a month.

'god knows how long'. really?

'mature' and 'adult' aren't words i'd use to describe someone who can't handle their partner going out for the day or visiting their mum.

'child', 'fruitcake', and 'single' are words i'd use to describe such a person...

Distorted

Maybe she just thinks that you prioritise your friends (and your mother?) over her and don't spend enough of your free time doing stuff with her? Its commendable that you retain such loyalty to your friends from where you used to live but most guys I know tend to prioritise their girlfriends over their mates once they get past a certain age. Or at least the ones with successful relationships do. Life changes, its not static, you move on in life, you move to new towns, you make new friends. These still sound like your main friends which is why I guess you travel to see them and spend so much of your spare time with them. In time, you'll probably get fed up with the travelling and reduce it to once a month and so on.

Kimia

OS119 wrote: »

he's out for the day. twice a month.

'god knows how long'. really?

'mature' and 'adult' aren't words i'd use to describe someone who can't handle their partner going out for the day or visiting their mum.

'child', 'fruitcake', and 'single' are words i'd use to describe such a person...

Whatever. Something about the OP doesn't ring true to me and all your PC BS in the world won't convince me otherwise. I'm all for independence in a relationship and I would have no problem with my bf visiting whoever he wants whenever, but the OP's posts reek of bollox tbh.

julias_jewel

FairtoFlair wrote: »

Pretty much we just goof around, eat, and bull****. No drinking or anything else.

Im 24 years old and I meet up with my friends 1-2 times per month, its not often due to other commitments but we make it worthwhile, we gossip eat, maybe the odd bottle of beer, but none of us have the money to meet up every week and when im with my friends, my bf might ask the lads over to watch footy or whatever.

Your gf isnt a control freak but you'll have to explain to her your not giving up your friends for her, because you enjoy it.

If you do as she asks now... what will be next???

julias_jewel

Fair to Flair wrote: »

I just also wanted to add that she doesn't like the idea of me visiting my mom by myself.
.

Missed this post on first read...

Alarms bells!!! Control Freak !!!:D

astra2000

She doesnt want you seeing your friends, she doesnt want you seeing your MOM on your own, and she doesnt like your friend she has never met.
She is a control freak. why arent you allowed visit your mom on your own do they get on?

kylith

Alarm bells here too! Everyone needs some time with their friends, spending 24 hours a day in each other's pockets isn't healthy. If you live some distance from your friends then spending a day with them twice a month doesn't sound excessive to me.

I'm assuming that these days with your mates are planned well in advance because I could understand her being a bit annoyed if your outings were sprung on her in the morning.

Maybe make an effort to do something special with her once or twice a month too, whether it be a day out or a special night in. That way she may not feel so left out.

Esoteric_

She doesn't like your best friend despite never having met him, she throws a fit if you spend 2 days per month with your friends and she doesn't like you visiting your mother without her.

Controlling is a mild word to describe behaviour like that. Run, seriously.

28064212

Kimia wrote: »

Alarm bells!!!

OP I'm going to go slightly against the grain here and say that you sound about 16 years of age - extremely immature. I would find it very weird if my bf disappeared for 8 hours every 2 weeks (where apparently it's difficult to commit to an actual return time because of 'unexpected delays') :rolleyes:

So you've never been late because of something outside your control? And he hasn't 'disappeared', she knows exactly where he is.

Kimia wrote: »

And your comment about there being 'just cause' for your gf to be worried if you go to bars - wtf is that all about??

Because there's a big difference between someone wanting to spend time with his friends hanging out and watching football, and going out to bars with his mates where the main activity is drinking and coupling up.

Kimia wrote: »

I think you and your girlfriend are just not suited tbh. You want to 'hang' with the boys, and she wants a mature adult boyfriend who doesn't disappear every couple of weeks for god knows how long. Maybe go your separate ways.

"God knows how long" is 8, maybe 9 hours now? And again, he is not 'disappearing' he is fully disclosing everything he's doing. In fact, he's even invited her along, and she refuses.

Kimia wrote: »

Whatever. Something about the OP doesn't ring true to me and all your PC BS in the world won't convince me otherwise. I'm all for independence in a relationship and I would have no problem with my bf visiting whoever he wants whenever, but the OP's posts reek of bollox tbh.

Elaborate, what part of it reeks of bollox? Do you think he's lying about where he's going, how long he's going for, how often he's going or why he's going there?

OP, on the Saturdays that you are home, is your GF always there? What does she do on the days you're not there? You say she goes for lunch with her friends, does she ever do that on the weekends? Does she have dinner with friends while you're at home in the evenings? Does she go out at night with her friends?

TashaMonster

Kimia I'm on your side here. I think it's very easy to start calling this girl a control freak. The details we have are that he goes off for 8-9 hours at the weekend every 2 weeks. On the face of it that seems harmless enough but I think we need to consider that not everyones work conditions are the same.
I work 9-5 but my bf works 12-9, I work mon-fri, but my bf works diff days every week, and out of 8 weekend days in the month he prob does at least 5 or 6. In our case if he was to head off for a full day every second weekend I wld probly be a bit upset as our time together is precious.
As regards to not liking his best friend I can also understand that, one of my bf's friend is constantly putting him down and undermining him and I just find it extremely hard to like someone who treats my bf in such a sh1t way. As I always say, "Just because someones an old friend it doesn't necessarily make them a good friend.
I think we should think about this situation a bit more carefully before we judge this girl so harshly, think realistically how would you feel if your other half said goodbye every second Saturday and headed off for the entire day, maybe this girl doesn't have a good support system of friends, maybe they don't actually get to spend much time together as a couple, maybe she feels left out or forgotten, there's lot's of possibilities.
If the OP's friends are willing to drive an hour and a half to just "hang out" then why don't they drive the extra distance and stay with him and his gf for the night, that way they can spend real quality time together and the gf can start feel more involved and part of the group. You never know, one of his friends could hook up with one of her friends, and maybe they could all live happily ever after in the one area.

Kelda09

In my opinion the GF sounds to be the immature one. Two days a month that the bf goes out of town and she wants to stop him from doing that?? Where is she living!! and the option of his friends travelling the extra distance and staying with the op instead of meeting twice a month, Do you not think that maybe the op's friends might not want to stay with the op consiering the gf doesnt like the best friend and wont even go with her bf on one of the days to meet his friends. Hardly going to be a welcoming environment now, is it. also , why should a group have to change something they do for someone who makes no effort with them, and who will probably complain that they dont include her if they talk about someone she doesnt know or watch a match she doesnt like.

As for the not wanting you to spend less time with your mother, unless your living in your mothers pocket, then she needs to have a serious think for herself and ask herself why she's so needy. you say she meets her friends, but they live near her? What would she say if you told her you wanted her to meet them less or at more specific times? you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel, but if this doesn't change then if I were you, Id be reconsidering the relationship. Good luck op!!

28064212

TashaMonster wrote: »

Kimia I'm on your side here. I think it's very easy to start calling this girl a control freak. The details we have are that he goes off for 8-9 hours at the weekend every 2 weeks. On the face of it that seems harmless enough but I think we need to consider that not everyones work conditions are the same.
I work 9-5 but my bf works 12-9, I work mon-fri, but my bf works diff days every week, and out of 8 weekend days in the month he prob does at least 5 or 6. In our case if he was to head off for a full day every second weekend I wld probly be a bit upset as our time together is precious.

They live together, unless she works 9-5 and he works nights, they almost certainly spend a lot of time in each other's company (although I agree that if it's the only day they would have together, then she's being fair enough)

TashaMonster wrote: »

As regards to not liking his best friend I can also understand that, one of my bf's friend is constantly putting him down and undermining him and I just find it extremely hard to like someone who treats my bf in such a sh1t way. As I always say, "Just because someones an old friend it doesn't necessarily make them a good friend.

Except the gf has never met the OP's friend

TashaMonster wrote: »

I think we should think about this situation a bit more carefully before we judge this girl so harshly, think realistically how would you feel if your other half said goodbye every second Saturday and headed off for the entire day, maybe this girl doesn't have a good support system of friends, maybe they don't actually get to spend much time together as a couple, maybe she feels left out or forgotten, there's lot's of possibilities.

If my OH was going off to spend time with friends that they had no other opportunity to see? I don't think that would or should realistically be a problem

TashaMonster wrote: »

If the OP's friends are willing to drive an hour and a half to just "hang out" then why don't they drive the extra distance and stay with him and his gf for the night, that way they can spend real quality time together and the gf can start feel more involved and part of the group. You never know, one of his friends could hook up with one of her friends, and maybe they could all live happily ever after in the one area.

Maybe they don't drive? The OP has already said he travels at least partway by train, it's a strong possibility they don't drive either. Also, the gf clearly doesn't want to be involved. She has been invited to join him and refused. She s actively trying to cut down their meetings to once every 2 months for 2-3 hours. That's not the actions of someone who wants to be involved, nor is it the actions of someone who wants their OH to have healthy friendships outside of the relationship

Fox McCloud

The part that really sticks out for me in your post is that she doesnt want to be left alone for a day.. that does not sound healthy at all!

An adult should be able to be alone for a day, she should not be so dependent on a boyfriend for company. Does she have any friends OP? And if so when does she see them?

It sounds like she wants you all to herself and is unwilling to share you even with your own mother. What kind of relationship can you have with someone if your with them all the time? It will get dull very fast, if your not allowed to see other people..

Also that she doesnt like your best friend for no reason.. your living together and she hasnt met your best friend even... so many things wrong with this situation!

Assuming you dont turn off you phone the second you get off the train and show up 10 hrs later and dont tell her where you've been, I dont see what real problem she could have with you spending time with your friends.

Explain that you will be continuing to see your friends and your mother as they are very important to you. If she cant handle that, its time to rethink this relariobship.

TashaMonster

Ok these are the facts we have.
1)She doesn't like him going away for 2 days every month.
2)She doesn't like his best friend despite her having only read his text messages
3)She doesn't like him going to his mothers house without her.


I have to say that I agree with that girl on all those points, before you start calling me a control freak too lets consider that there might be circumstance beyond the above facts.


1) I would dislike if my OH went away for 2 days every month, we live together but because of our different work hours we get about 1 hour in the evening and about 2-3 full days out've the weekend days every month. If he was to go away for 2 days every month that'd take a lot off our time together.
I think this girl doesn't work a standard 9-5 job because the OP said that it'd be tremendous for her to come with him "IF" her work hours allowed it, maybe she works Saturday morning and then he's gone by the time she gets home.

2) I don't like one of his close friend, he constantly undermines and belittles my OH, I can't like someone who's nasty to the person I love.:mad: We don't really know the contents of the texts the OP's friend sends him so it's unfair to judge that girls reaction.

3) I don't like my OH going to his mothers without me because I really like his mother and family, we get on really well so I like to see them as often as I can.


I hope when people see this that they'll understand that sometimes there might be circumstances that explain apparently negative behaviour. Also consider that the OP might be spinning things to make him look like the good guy.



I'm also aware that the OP and his girlfriend might have completely different circumstances to me and my OH, so maybe she is a control freak, but I just don't like people judging her when I think there is very limited information given.

TashaMonster

Take all your points on board 28064212,

Just wanted to add that she didn't refuse to go see his friends, he said she was "resistant" because she didnt want to spend the day watching soccer. I hate soccer (maybe she's the same) so that'd be my worst nightmare. I wonder if the OP or any guys in general be willing to go shoe shopping with their OH and her friends for 8 hours every 2nd Saturday ???

LegacyUser

I would like to ask the OP has she got reason to mistrust him or feel insecure when he disappears to see his friends for the day? Have you ever cheated on her? Has she been cheated on in a previous relationship?

This might go some way to explaining her discomfort and her need to control your actions, the need to know where you are and her unwillingness to let you go anywhere without her.

Either way controlling behaviour, for whatever reason, isn't conducive to a healthy relationship. But I do agree with some of the other posters here and think that it's possible the OP isn't being 100% forthcoming.