Bit of an affair with the boss??

LegacyUser

Figured I would post this here rather than in RI because 1- it will never be a relationship as such, I'm fully aware of that, and 2- there can be a whole load of reprocussions from it.

Basically here's the story...I've a while bad habit of wanting what I know I can't have, and the latest is my boss (well he's not my direct boss he's 1 level up from that) I've wanted him for a long time now but always tried to ignore it as he's married and I figured nothing would ever ever happen.
Only recently I decided to start subtly flirting a little bit with him, I'm not sure why, I think it was more out of boredom and I was feeling a bit mischievous at the time. This turned into a series of rather suggestive emails, and it seemed like he was playing along too much to my amazement, but I thought I was maybe reading too much into them and my imagination was on overdrive and playing tricks with me. Except with a few drinks in me one night while this was going on again I basically came out that I wanted him, and to my complete shock he wants it too.

Now, I realise he's married, and on that fact alone I shouldn't, but I want him. It will be a fling with a married man, and even though that makes me a complete b*tch in most people's eyes, I just can't help it, I never planned on this happening and I never in a million years thought it would, but it appears I was wrong. There's been rumours before that he's had an affair which I never really believed, but well now I do!
I also realise if it does happen it will be nothing more than a sneaky fling, and I'm fine with that too.
But then there's the issue of that he's my boss...I really don't know what to make of that side of it. Again, it just makes me want him more because I know it's bad and I can't help myself! I realise it probably will have an impact somehow, but I plan on telling him that if this happens it has to be kept completely and utterly seperate from work and it's not allowed to affect anything in any way. Obviously, that may be easier said than done, but if I lay it out on the line to him before anything happens it may help.

I'm not going to lie, I really want this, I want him out of sheer lust. But there's a tiny little voice in the back of my head telling me not too, mainly because people always say you should never do it, it's never worth it...but I'm going to drive myself insane if I don't.

Any thoughts folks??

Ickle Magoo

I think you should seriously consider the possible repercussions. Is having a horny and bored itch scratched really worth potentially losing your job and reputation over? Do you really want to risk being known as the latest bimbo that gave it up for the boss man?

I think you'd be much better off investigating why you always seem to want what you can't have and why you would seriously consider sabotaging your own career and someone else's marriage rather than finding single guy of your own.

All the best.

MJ23

You need the danger of it. Why cant you just get a fella thats not with someone, there are plenty out there.
Its never just a fling, eithere or both can develop feelings, and when one tries to break it off, the other goes nuts.

MrDarcy

confused much wrote: »

Any thoughts folks??

How about you try acting firstly a professional person and knocking this on the head. It sounds like you have major security issues if you need to be with your boss for the reasons that you have set out above...

mikemac

On a professional level, this will affect your career. If you get promoted suddently your teamates will comment and if you get passed over, people will comment also. Nobody will take you seriously.

On a personal level, you will be a homewrecker

Sort yourself out

kjl

Well, I would probably go for it. You are not married, he is the one cheating here.

OK, maybe your morals are a little out of line, but everyone makes mistakes and maybe this is one you need to make.

If you are sure that it will not affect your job, I would say go for it, otherwise I would leave it.

dellas1979

Really...really? You are going to go insane if you dont shag your boss who is married, who you actively pursued.

You are insane.

Get a hobby if you are bored.

Ahhh unless this guy IS the hobby. "Wanting what you cant have just because you want it" is all fine and dandy until you bite off more than you can chew. You'd be a psycho-analysts dream. I think you need to see a professional about your problem. Honest. You have a problem.

tinkerbell

You need to get a hobby. And one that doesn't involve screwing the boss of your boss and sleeping your way to the top. Get a life, seriously. You're actively pursuing a married man, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Not only are you a homewrecker, you will also get a seriously bad reputation at work, if people find out, you could get in trouble as people will see promotions as a direct result from sleeping with the boss's boss. And if it all goes south, well you may have to leave your job.

So get a grip, find a man who is not MARRIED and just cop onto yourself. And as for the whole "want what I can't have", get over it. You're not an immature teenager anymore, so have a bit of respect and go look at relationships with a more mature mind.

Ickle Magoo

As per the charter, please reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner which is helpful to the OP or don't post at all.

Many thanks
Ickle

coolcat63

Not quite sure what your question is here? Are you looking for validation to shag your married boss? You say you never wanted it to happen but you have gone all out to engineer the situation - in your own words, you flirted, sent suggestive emails and then you came on to him!!

No point in telling you it's wrong both morally and professionally as you don't appear to care. Although when you've been labelled a tart by your colleagues (and don't kid yourself that they don't know, or won't know, what's going on; they will) and/or lost your job you just might reconsider that 'going insane' with lust just might have been a better option.

Oh, and if he's in the habit of shagging the office bike it would be a good idea to have an STD test....

Darlughda

Unless you run the risk of getting emotionally involved with this man, his marriage is his problem, not yours.

This 'homewrecker' business is just a subtle way other women have of deflecting blame from the real wrongdoer in a relationship-their own husbands.
As for 'being ashamed of yourself'... Stuff other people's impositions of their morality.

Whats the likely outcome if you have an affair with this man?

Might your career improve? Won't be the first time this has happened. Or, might your career take a sudden nose dive.?
Weigh up the pros and cons.

If you go for it and it all ends in tears with you having sudden insurmountable difficulties at work, then at least you will have embarked upon that course of action with your eyes open.

Are there any ways of protecting yourself in a worst case scenario?

Firetrap

You know yourself that this has the potential to cause a lot of damage. Perhaps put your brain into pragmatic mode for a minute and think this through. What's going to happen long term? Most of these affairs end badly and you'll probably not escape unscathed. Especially if word gets out. I don't know what sort of career you have but having it off with your boss will certainly damage your reputation. And what about your job? You'll be putting that in serious jeopardy. Imagine having to get another one and competing with dozens and dozens, if not hundreds or thousands of others for a new job. You really need to put the brakes on this before it goes any further and focus your energies on something less destructive.

dellas1979

Darlughda wrote: »

Unless you run the risk of getting emotionally involved with this man, his marriage is his problem, not yours.

This 'homewrecker' business is just a subtle way other women have of deflecting blame from the real wrongdoer in a relationship-their own husbands.

Your argument does not stand when she has openly admitted to pursuing him and initiating this flirting and pursuance. She is the problem as well as him. She has a problem. You cannot deny, that this has all stemmed from something else going on in her head that she needs to get sorted.

Darlughda

dellas1979 wrote: »

Your argument does not stand when she has openly admitted to pursuing him and initiating this flirting and pursuance. She is the problem as well as him. She has a problem. You cannot deny, that this has all stemmed from something else going on in her head that she needs to get sorted.

However she has pursued him is irrelevant if he is the one with the marriage. You might not like the morality of women who have affairs with married men, but thats your take on morality.

You are way out of line though declaring she has a problem in her head to get sorted. Are you a doctor? Boredom and an attractive man responding to her seems to be the problem here.

dellas1979

Darlughda wrote: »

However she has pursued him is irrelevant if he is the one with the marriage. You might not like the morality of women who have affairs with married men, but thats your take on morality.

You are way out of line though declaring she has a problem in her head to get sorted. Are you a doctor? Boredom and an attractive man responding to her seems to be the problem here.

Im not the only one here saying she has a problem, which I stongly agree with from what she said in her overall post.

I think the use of your word morality is incorrect in this context, although I do know what you are trying to say.

I think she has either very bad judgement or bad morals to do this.

I dont think its a matter of boredom. In her post its almost like she is playing with him, in a sort of sad way.

LegacyUser

Ok so maybe I should clarify a few things here which I maybe didn't word the best in my OP, which is tricky without going in to too much detail.
When I said I started flirting with him and this lead to the suggestive emails, I decided to start flirting a bit after a few original one's from him which were pretty damn suggestive on their own without me doing anything to start with. So I decided I would to see where this was going in a way that if I was getting the wrong end of the stick from them, they could easily be claimed they were innocent enough. I did not instigate this, I simply started to see if I could find out exactly what he was at. Then eventually I told him, again I can't go into details about what happened up to that point, but there was reasons.
As for my morals, I realise it's wrong. I haven't acted on it yet. I want to, yes, I'll openly admit that, simple human attraction can be pretty damn hard to ignore sometimes, and because he is "out of bounds" doesn't help, and that's just human nature, everybody experiences that to some extent at some point in their life.

This has all happened extremely quickly and I haven't had the time to think eveything through, at the moment I'm still in shock mode about it. I know deep down that more than likely when push comes to shove I wont go through with it, for a mulitude of reasons, but I can't and won't deny that I wouldn't like to. There's more to the story but I can't go into it.

OP, just leave it alone. No such thing as a "bit of an affair". He's married. He's your boss. That itch can be scratched elsewhere. Really not worth it. It's clear in your post that you think it's wrong but just want to ignore the niggly feeling that you shouldn't. Niggles niggle for a reason. Anyway, even if it's only a fling your looking for, does it not still bother you that he's willing to cheat on his wife?

Does he have kids???

Zen65

confused much wrote: »

But there's a tiny little voice in the back of my head telling me not too, mainly because people always say you should never do it, it's never worth it...but I'm going to drive myself insane if I don't.

What makes you think your little voice will stop talking if you go ahead with it? That voice can probably remind you of what you have done for a long time after you do it.

Guilt can drive you insane just as easily as lust. I suggest a different outlet for your feelings would be a better option.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

true-or-false wrote: »

OP, just leave it alone. No such thing as a "bit of an affair". He's married. He's your boss. That itch can be scratched elsewhere. Really not worth it. It's clear in your post that you think it's wrong but just want to ignore the niggly feeling that you shouldn't. Niggles niggle for a reason. Anyway, even if it's only a fling your looking for, does it not still bother you that he's willing to cheat on his wife?

Does he have kids???

Now that I don't know... because he's not exactly my direct boss I generally only really see anything of him in work a few times a month at most, and it's only recently I've been receiving more attention from him, so I don't know too much about his personal life.

Thank you btw, your post helped me see more rather than people getting on their high horses and telling me I've a problem. I'm only human, my natural reaction when a man I want reciprocates with the same is "sweeeet...etc" Like I said in my other post that hasn't made it up yet, this has all happened incredibly quickly and I've really had no time to properly think about it...so if I was a fella I would say I was thinking with my penis there earlier! But having a bit of time to think about it today I know I shouldn't, I've put in too much work to jeopardise it all, even though I have reason to believe it could work for me the other way, it's too much risk.

Now I'm going to think about how to go about talking to him about it...

leggo

Someone summed it up here when they said "maybe it's a mistake you have to make".

From someone who went through a phase of only going after taken women, I get where you're coming from. And I needed to meet one that I actually wanted long-term to realise that I had to get someone for myself to be truly happy. But I couldn't have arrived at B without going through A first.

Mistakes shouldn't be avoided...they should be embraced so that they can later be converted into lessons. Maybe you need to do this to take a walk on the wild side for once, maybe you need to learn the same lesson I did, maybe your boss needs a strong dose of bad karma, we rarely realise why we have these urges until we've acted on them and dealt with the consequences.

Oh yeah, your actions will have consequences, of course, but I'm sure you are very aware of that.

Those judging you here are the one's who are projecting their own fears and doubts onto you. You're not in the wrong here, he is.

Nobody is going to tell you it's the RIGHT thing to do...if that's what you're looking for. But I suspect you have your mind made up here. So go with your gut and see what happens. Maybe you'll realise you never wanted it when it's on a plate for you and it'll be the best revelation ever.

beks101

leggo wrote: »

Mistakes shouldn't be avoided...they should be embraced so that they can later be converted into lessons. Maybe you need to do this to take a walk on the wild side for once, maybe you need to learn the same lesson I did, maybe your boss needs a strong dose of bad karma, we rarely realise why we have these urges until we've acted on them and dealt with the consequences.

Christ, I couldn't disagree with this more. By this logic, we should all act on whatever wild impulse takes hold on a daily basis, however self-destructive or fcuked up or downright crazy, and write it off as a 'mistake' that 'had to happen' instead of taking responsibility at the end of it all.

Not to belittle your experience, but the OP is not some kid who needs to ditch class and get caught or get blind drunk and make a fool of herself in order to 'learn a lesson' here...this is a 'mistake' that could potentially have far reaching consequences, professionally, socially, psychologically and otherwise - if any of her colleagues get a whiff of what's going on, her professional reputation is down the drain; she may well become known as a home wrecker, a name that's hard to shake...if she starts down the route of having affairs with men she 'can't have' it's obviously going to have an impact on her self esteem, it may become a pattern, etc etc etc...

OP the fact that you're posting here instead of diving into this head first with no regard for the consequences is a good thing, and I don't think it's any of our place to judge you. We all get urges and as you said, sexual attraction is one hell of a force to be reckoned with, but it doesn't excuse you from you responsibilities and mean you can throw caution to the wind and sh@g your boss just because you can.

My advice would be to stop this, right now. End the suggestive emails and the flirty chats and put up a wall of professionalism every time he tries anything. There's just too much at stake and I think you know that already.

Kismetly

Girl - I'm not going to tell you not to go there - but you need to be really careful. I get the part about "wanting what you can't have" but if you want it now, imagine how much your going to want it when you are emotionally involved with the man and you really can't have him.

At face value, it's all very well to say "I know this is just a fling, and it will be secret and no one will get hurt" - well I'm here to tell you, the person most likely to get hurt in this scenario is you.

Affairs with married men are very risky business. In my experience they are amazing sex, exciting because of the secrecy, intense because of the intimacy that's required to keep such a secret and addictive as hell ... then reality hits.

Then you really get to learn and understand what it means to want something you can't have.

Unless you are in-humanly emotionally detached (and I don't think it's possible for a woman to remain that emotionally detached in an intimate relationship), this will end in tears. Yours.

Do it if you must, but make sure you look after yourself. When it's over you may be left with a fcuked up career, reputation and broken heart. It's not a good look.

Good luck.

theg81der

Sorry for the long post OP but bear with me -


I don`t know how much I buy into the outrage. Most people have or will cheated, at least your owning you experience and being self aware.

You can`t take something that doesn`t want to be taken and the wife has to take her part here. She married a cheater and ignored the signs - so tough thats life. If its not you it`ll be some other girl, your not important here. If you get some gratification, although I fail to see how, well then go for it, what does it matter?!

I do think its important to address why you don`t think you deserve to be more than just a "fling", you should be loved and be someone`s whole world, someone who sees YOU not just some girl that will let him screw her who he will never respect.

How will you feel cold in your bed after he`s gone home to his wife? Thats not good for you mentally. Trust me when I say sex with someone you love, even someone your with for years, can be more passionate and fullfilling for you in every way than this experience would be and I think you should aim for that - if you have a partner then its the wrong one.

And don`t let him pressure you or make you feel obliged because you`ve gone this far - thats not a reason to do it.

MagicSean

Op don't listen to the people who say his marraige is his problem. You are fully aware of his situation so you are just as responsable for breaking the marraige if you go ahead. So is a fling worth destroying a family? Put yourself in his wifes position (not literally), or his kids if he has any.

LegacyUser

Been there, done that.

For what it's worth, my advice is don't do it. It sounds like you've already made up your mind, though. Not for any moral reasons, but because there's a high chance that you'll develop feelings, or he will, and that's when it starts getting messy and hurtful and complicated. Believe me, if you start falling for him, it's not a nice feeling balancing the horrible jealousy of knowing he's going home to share a bed with his wife, and the shame of knowing you're doing something wrong (believe me, that feeling will arrive sooner or later).

I get the excitement part, I really do - but looking back on it now, it's not worth the heartache. It took my 3 years to get fully over him - don't waste 3 years of your life like I did.

Taltos

Let's play out the scenario - it can go a few ways just at quick glance.

Before I do though - poster above who said - most folk cheat... Wake the hell up... Tell yourself whatever you want to make yourself feel less guilty but cop on.

Now...
1. You have your fling and you decide that is that.
a) He accepts this and you both move on with the odd smile in work - this is best case.
b) He accepts this and word gets out like last time that he had an affair in work, and somehow (watercooler chat) it gets out it was you... So now you go from nice attactive friendly girl that X dept to wanton slutty homewrecker / easy lay. Great career options there.
c) He accepts this and now Tod his peer sends you a flirty email - what do you do? Can you complain for harrassment? Who knows...

Moving away from him accepting
d) He wants 2nds & 3rds. Refuses to accept your rejection and makes your life hell in work by spreading rumours about you. You threw yourself at him, you gave him a STD, you rang his wife lieing about an affair... The list is endless - you go to HR and complain - but really who will listen to you? You leave your job and try to get another one in a field unrelated as people talk...
e) He wants more. Refuses to accept your rejection and sets about stalking you outside of work....
f) You both want more, you continue for 3 or 5 or 10 yrs - you want children and he dumps you fast for the next model...
g) You both want more, continue and maybe he does leave his wife and children... Not sure what happens to your reputation in work here.

Look - at the end of the day - some people do manage to keep these things quiet. Some do not.
Weigh it up in your own mind. Will this leave you with a bad taste in your mouth about the type of person you are?
Personally - I think it might tear me up inside - but that is me...

Benincasa

confused much wrote: »

I just can't help it,

But there's a tiny little voice in the back of my head telling me not too, mainly because people always say you should never do it, it's never worth it...but I'm going to drive myself insane if I don't.

Actually, you can help it, if you wanted to.

That tiny voice is called your conscience. Listen to it.

And no, you won't go insane.

LegacyUser

confused much wrote: »

I just can't help it, I never planned on this happening and I never in a million years thought it would, but it appears I was wrong.

As per the previous post, yes you can help it. Conscience is what distinguishes us from animals.
Yes you did think this would happen, why else did you carry on what you were doing?

It appears you are looking for validation, otherwise you wouldn't have asked for thoughts. I can't validate a planned flirtation with a married man and I feel sorry for you that you have to embark on this chase to get your kicks.
It takes two to tango, that is certain, but I can safely say if my husband did what your boss is doing, after I'd finished with him I would hunt you down and you would be so, so sorry.

greengiant09

i don't buy into it that your role is innocent if you have an affair with him. thats complete crap!!!....and god help the person if i ever find myself in that situation.

dellas1979

Hang on OP - you asked for opinions and we gave them. Just because we are not concurring your idea of a shag. Its ironic you talking about us being on our high horses!

Have I ever been in a situation like yours? Yes

Did I ever contemplate something happening? Yes

Would I ever act on it? Never

Does it make me better than you or you saying Im on my high horse? Thats what you've got the problem with. You cannot distinguish this in your head as something you should not be doing.

Maybe it is something that you need to experience to learn, but it is a long fall from that horse that you seem to be on yourself.

dudara

OP - I'm not so concerned about the potential affair (although I do think it's an ill-considered idea).

I am more concerned about the fact that you openly admit that you want what you can't/don't have. You appear to be well aware of this fact, and yet you appear to be doing nothing about it.

How long will this attitude continue in your life? You do realise that it won't satisfy you or keep you warm late at night?

You need some deep introspective time to yourself. Stop covering up whatever truth there is with all this talk of an affair. Stop the drama and look deep.

LegacyUser

OP, ok, how would you feel if you got married, and you find your husband is shagging behind your back? You wouldn't like to see it happen to you, so don't do it to someone else
If you're looking to get laid, there are websites for it...
I think you should have a good long chat with yourself. I don't buy this "I want what I cannot have" rubbish. Not one bit. It's just rubbish, a get out of jail card to try and justify what you are doing...

donkeyshaft

These situations tend to be more trouble than they are worth and are best avoided and are virtually impossible to keep secret.

Even if he was single, it could still be troublesome. Best avoided in my view.

The consequences and possible downside does not make it an attractive or viable proposition

changes

Your just the sort of person that any happily married woman would hate. I hope you can find it within yourself to do the decent thing and find another way to fill your seemingly empty life.

That is about a civil as i can be to you without falling foul of the rules here.

LegacyUser

Right, I quite clearly said in my subsequent two posts that after actually having time to think about it, I'm not going to let it happen. I had a lapse in my judgement, can happen to the best of us, the important thing is that I realised it before it was too late. To be honest it was the best thing I've ever done telling him straight because if I hadn't there would have been a situation coming up soon where now that I know what his intentions were I now know that I would've been completely stuck had I went ahead thinking all was innocent, I would have had no way out of it, and with drinks flowing, no way home, and no time to think, I might have made that mistake. I wish I could explain it more to make light of it but I can't.

Thank you especially to those who came forward with honest stories of been there done that etc... you helped me more than you can imagine and I'm truly gratefull for you for doing that. I think that was just what I needed.

It wont happen, it can't happen, and I feel better with myself for that.


So mods, can this thread please be locked now?? I have been helped by some sound advice that helped me through that lapse in my judgement, so thank you.

Ickle Magoo

Thread locked at OP's request.