Guys having close female friends

lg01

I went on a date last night with a girl and I was expecting it to go well. We met online and had been chatting for a good while, we got on well and she certainly ticked all my boxes. Most of the date went really well we chatted and had a good laugh etc, but towards the end it took a bad turn. Long sotry short, I have a number of very good female friends. I've been friends with them for a long time, over 10 years with 2 of them - they are like sisters to me. Basically she said that she just does not think tha guys can have female friends, I don't think she would trust them or soemthing. She just said that 'it's never really black or white' - at that point the date was pretty much over.

I don't know why but I was so angry and pissed off. The whole thing just seems like such a giant waste of time, especially considering that I actually say I have a lot of female friends on my profile. But for someone to be so close minded and say that they could not be with a guy who has female friends is ridiculous. Well, I could not be with someone who is that insecure. Maybe she had a bad experience, but its unfaur to tar me with the same brush.

So, what do you think. Girls are you ok with a guy having female friends? I think its a healthy thing to have friends of the oppasite sex, its kinda weird not to really. What do you think?

liah

It's kind of odd for me to say what I'm going to say, considering pretty much all of my close friends have always been male, but I actually don't believe it's ever possible to have a 100% innocent friendship between two heterosexuals of the opposite sex. At one stage or another, one of the two parties involved will have at least considered what it'd be like to be "with" them.

It sounds nuts, and initially I cried bull****, but then I looked back at all my friendships with men-- and, sure enough, it was either them who "liked" me or me who "liked" them at one stage or another, there wasn't a single friendship that was truly platonic from both ends at all times. Ever. They can grow to be totally platonic from both ends, but there's always a "hmm.." period from at least one person.

It makes sense, in fairness. If you're hetero and you have a friend of the opposite sex you get along great with, it's only natural that the possibility crosses your mind or theirs, since you're obviously compatible on a personality level.

Still, the girl was WAY out of line. Just because you have female friends doesn't mean you actually want to be with them, you did choose her after all, and not one of them. She's probably not worth having around if she's going to flip about something like that. She needs to grow up.

WesternNight

liah wrote: »

Still, the girl was WAY out of line. Just because you have female friends doesn't mean you actually want to be with them, you did choose her after all, and not one of them. She's probably not worth having around if she's going to flip about something like that. She needs to grow up.

Um...haven't you basically debunked this with the rest of your post? She wasn't way out of line, she just gave her opinion on the whole thing, which is the same as yours. To say she's not worth having around and needs to grow up is pretty harsh.

Anyway, OP, the only thing that surprises me about her reaction is that she seemed surprised or something when you already had that information on your profile. Either she didn't read your profile properly or she didn't realise how close the friends were.

Novella

Guys can have close female friends, imo, yup. My best friend is a guy and I've no interest in him whatsoever in that way, and the feeling is mutual. I honestly wouldn't be bothered if my boyfriends best friend was a girl. To me, that would not be reason to trust him less, or something that'd make him more likely to cheat or whatever.

I'd be completely put off on a date by something like what happened on yours, OP.

Xiney

It's a shame she has that attitude. I'd wager she's been hurt in the past.


Personally, I'd be a lot more wary of a guy who had ONE best female friend rather than several. It doesn't mean I'd rule him out completely, but I'd be watching closely for signs that "they're in love and just don't know it yet" for at least the first time I saw them together.

With that said, I've been really good friends with guys and I'd be lying if I didn't expect their girlfriends to be wary of me, at least at first. (Then they figured out that I'm likely not a threat :P)

alex73

100% Guys can have female friends. Was having this conversation with my wife yesterday. I am very good friends with a Girl at work, I joked I spend more time (awake) with her than with my wife. But there is zero sexual attraction, nothing, Nada. Anyway she is married. She is not a Soul Mate friend but would be very close.

For sure a guy can have Female friends. But there are friends and their are FRIENDS...

coffee_cake

Of course they can have close female friends. My OH has female friends. They're also totally not his type as it happens

liah

WesternNight wrote: »

Um...haven't you basically debunked this with the rest of your post? She wasn't way out of line, she just gave her opinion on the whole thing, which is the same as yours. To say she's not worth having around and needs to grow up is pretty harsh.

Anyway, OP, the only thing that surprises me about her reaction is that she seemed surprised or something when you already had that information on your profile. Either she didn't read your profile properly or she didn't realise how close the friends were.

I don't think so, no. Just because it may have happened at one stage or another, in a broad sense, does not mean that he's going to want to bang them while he's with her. She was out of line bringing that kind of thing up on a first date, especially when he'd made it obvious he had female friends on his profile, what would bringing that kind of thing up accomplish? To me that's a sign of insecurity if she's already thinking he's got a thing for all his girl mates.

In a broad sense, all my experiences have been that one party has always had that kind of thought about the other party at one stage or another. But it doesn't mean I don't think they can be platonic friends; I just think they may need to get it out of their system first, either in their own minds or mutually.

candy-gal1

When theres no interest or attractiveness there on either part at all then there shouldnt be a problem imho.
But if anything has ever happened between two friends in the past then i dont think it can ever work as "just friends"

desertcircus

There's a certain truth to the idea that platonic friendships aren't always purely platonic; that at some stage or another one party will be interested in the other. That said, it's unreasonable to go from that to the claim that those friendships can't work. Have I had female friends I was interested in at some stage? Yes. Did I get with any of them? No. What makes a good friend isn't always what makes a good partner, anyway.

Incidentally, OP, did your date say anything about what the friendship rules would be for LGBTs? If you're a gay man, can you not have friendships with anyone except lesbians, who in turn can't be friends with each other and have to befriend isolated gay men?

Feeona

There's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. It's frustrating that your date ended badly, but by any chance did your defences go up when the subject of platonic friendships came up? It's possible to sway someone's opinion if you're approachable about it. Her defences probably went up too, and that's when the clash of wills took place!
One positive thing you can take is that your date was very straightforward and she let you know her viewpoint. It would've been worse if you ended up going out with her, only for her to systematically remove all your female friends from your life.

Penny Dreadful

My boyfriend has lots of friends both male and female. Of the female ones he would be especially close to two of them and I've never thought it odd at all.

Acoshla

One of my boyfriend's best friends is a girl, they have a little group since school (12+ years) that is him, her, and another guy. She is so lovely, I love her to bits, before I met her my boyfriend told me that her opinion of me really mattered to him, lucky for him we get on like a house on fire

The funny thing is, years back they kissed, my boyf (who was a bit of a hoor back in the day) said he would've slept with her but she said no. I have no problem with this, it was years ago, they were two young good looking friends who got on great, of course something happened! But what I find hilarious is that the other guy in the group's girlfriend hates her boyfriend's friendship with her, convinced she wants him, when neither of them has ever been attracted to other. I think this says so much about his girlfriend's own insecurities, it's not about their friendship at all. He has been banned from talking to his female friend now, which has hurt her so much.

OP you're right to be angry, because this is probably what you would face in the long run if you ended up in a relationship with that girl.

pow wow

When you say the date ended - who ended it? Maybe you overreacted to her opinion (and let's face it, opinions by their nature can change quite quickly!), or was she so threatened by your girlie mates that she said 'cya'?

I pretty much agree with liah, I've thought about most of my male friends that way at one time or another, I can't speak for their thoughts of me. It doesn't mean I'm going to get with them, but it does suggest that if we were both thinking that way at the same time it might happen....

Would you be ok if most of her friends were guys?

dammitjanet

My OH's very close friends are mostly women, and although it was intimidating meeting them for the first time, it never actually struck me as a concern, he's known them for 10+ years and they've been great friends to him and to me since I've known them.

That said my friends have always been mostly lads but that's cause I'm a gamer geek and it's mostly guys who have the same interests as me. It's never bothered my OH, in fact I think he prefers it that way hehe

And for the record the girl you were with sounds like a bit of a tosser imo- I don't understand ending something that's going well on the possiblity that something might possibly happen in the future maybe. The risk of meeting someone else is always going to be around, you can't just ignore it.

ztoical

I always find these kind of discussions really odd cus I never think of my friends as "my male friends" "my female friends" etc and so on...they are my friends, some are male, some are female, it doesn't really make that much of an impact TBH and I've never really taken notice of the gender of OH's friends. I really just don't get what the issue is.

Red Alert

I have quite a few close female friends, and they're non-negotiable in terms of relationships - I'm not going to stop seeing them for anybody.

Emme

I think it's healthy to have friends of the opposite sex but when you get very emotionally close to one particular friend it might appear a bit suspect to a partner.

jokettle

My own experience would be close to Spadina's; my boyfriend has many close friends, a large proportion of whom are female. I know he's kissed some of them before and even dated one for a while, but I have no problems with it.

The main reason I'm not worried, apart from having trust in him, is the fact that he was so upfront about it from the start. Before I met the girl he dated, he told me all about their relationship, why it didn't work and how they've stayed good friends. that level of openness and honesty made me very comfortable with him and with the whole "meeting the ex/friend/person I should try and impress" situation.

OP, you were honest with this girl as well, and fair play for that. Either she's had bad experiences in the past or she's seen too many bad films where the guy friend eventually realises he's in love with the girl friend and they live happily ever after while the rest of the world vomits in protest*. Either way, it sounds as though you had a lucky escape from someone with jealous tendencies.

*I hate rom-coms.

dfx-

ztoical wrote: »

I always find these kind of discussions really odd cus I never think of my friends as "my male friends" "my female friends" etc and so on...they are my friends, some are male, some are female, it doesn't really make that much of an impact TBH and I've never really taken notice of the gender of OH's friends. I really just don't get what the issue is.

Can there not be a major natural difference in what they get up to as different groups according to gender?

Personally, there's a very different dynamic on the 4 hour supporters' bus drive to Derry and a match in the Brandywell to when I'm brought with college (female) friends going to the zoo. Very different.

G86

She is being completely ridiculous!

My boyfriends best friend is female, as are alot of his friends, and I've never thought twice about it! Sure it's the same with me, and I've dated a few of the lads I'm friends with now too - which doesn't bother him at all either.

If you trust each other then it's a complete non-issue. They're 'friends' for a reason, if you wanted more then you'd be going out with them.

ztoical

dfx- wrote: »

Can there not be a major natural difference in what they get up to as different groups according to gender?

Personally, there's a very different dynamic on the 4 hour supporters' bus drive to Derry and a match in the Brandywell to when I'm brought with college (female) friends going to the zoo. Very different.

But surely that difference is down to shared interest or activity not gender? I have my super nerdy comic book friends and my non comic book friends, of course there is a difference between the two groups but it's based on the shared or not shared interested in comics and not down to the gender of the people.

Bottle_of_Smoke

liah wrote: »

It's kind of odd for me to say what I'm going to say, considering pretty much all of my close friends have always been male, but I actually don't believe it's ever possible to have a 100% innocent friendship between two heterosexuals of the opposite sex. At one stage or another, one of the two parties involved will have at least considered what it'd be like to be "with" them.

It sounds nuts, and initially I cried bull****, but then I looked back at all my friendships with men-- and, sure enough, it was either them who "liked" me or me who "liked" them at one stage or another, there wasn't a single friendship that was truly platonic from both ends at all times. Ever. They can grow to be totally platonic from both ends, but there's always a "hmm.." period from at least one person.

It makes sense, in fairness. If you're hetero and you have a friend of the opposite sex you get along great with, it's only natural that the possibility crosses your mind or theirs, since you're obviously compatible on a personality level.

Chuckled at that one. Can't speak for women but the 'possibility' crosses a guys mind with virtually every woman he meets who's within his age range and at least somewhat attractive

So I think calling any friendship between people of the opposite sex not completely innocent is effectively meaningless

Penny Lane

My husband has lots of female friends and to be fair he has been with a lot of them too! One particular girl (who I love to bits) and he almost slept together but they decided not to and she ended up marrying his best mate-gas. Another "friend" though was a whole other matter, we were only dating a short while when she came home from her travels and we were out with her, I thought she was sound until I came back from the loo and saw her paw on his arse and him leaving it there. I went absolutely ballistic. I told him her or me there and then and that was that.

So, after that rambling anecdote my point is there's usually something bubbling with male/female friendships but it's not always dangerous. I have no problem with most of his female friends but in that case I believe I was right to lay down the law.

Abi

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Chuckled at that one. Can't speak for women but the 'possibility' crosses a guys mind with virtually every woman he meets who's within his age range and at least somewhat attractive

I can sort of see your point here, and I'm sure it is the case for some women. But I think that if you are truly happy within your relationship you will never cross the line, or allow it to be crossed.

If the boundaries got a bit fuzzy for a friend, and its a one on one situation then I'd pick up a conversation about a current partner, and say how happy I was. Re-direct where its going, and a gentle reminder that you're a no-fly zone. In a group situation like yours Penny, your husband could have done the same, or made a bee-line for the toilet and then re-located himself in the group, preferably beside you.

lg01 wrote: »

So, what do you think. Girls are you ok with a guy having female friends? I think its a healthy thing to have friends of the oppasite sex, its kinda weird not to really. What do you think?

I think you had a lucky escape there. I also think that girl will never be happy unless she starts to trust a guy firstly, and secondly be realistic that opposite platonic opposite gender friendships do, and can exist.

I've said it before in another thread I'm sure, but I can count my female friends on my left hand, but haven't enough fingers and toes for my male friends. My ex had a huge issue with this, and amongst a few other factors this was one of the contibuting reasons that saw the relationship go around the S-bend. He only really has male friends, so couldn't understand how I could have male friendships without it ever leading to anything else. Male and female friends are like siblings to me, I'd care for them as equally.

inmyday

Male mid 20s here.
In my opinion, I think its easier for a woman to say "no we are just friends"... But to me a straight male would usually say "i would have sex with her, even though we are just friends". I think most men are like that, they would get "get up on the crack of dawn". Im sure many will disagree with me but men are usually thinking with the you know what!

Personally I only have one real close female friend, and everyone, i mean everyone asks me, "whats the story with yous?", "are you with her?", she is single and so am I... Like the other day we went for dinner somewhere local, and some people we know asked us did we finally get with eachother? because it was just the two of us... we text all the time. live near eachother, and she drops up to mine and vise versa. And when she is in mine, all my friends think we are having sex and question me when I say no. And they question why am I friends with her, and why are we friends... But we never even kissed.

Now here is the reason, I know deep down no matter how much drunk, how horny I am etc, I will never try it on with her, and before you ask, yes she is goodlooking, very pretty.... But she is friend of my ex girlfiend, they have drifted apart kind of, (nothing to do with me). And I still get on with the ex very well, and for that reason I will never even kiss her. But also she isnt interested either, we are totally just friends.

Assets Model

I have to say i'd find it a bit odd myself if someone had more friends of the opposite sex than their own sex. It would definitely put me off dating someone

Asphyxia

Yeah totally don't see any problem with it to be honest, I understand why some girls would be put out by it like maybe they were hurt in the past. In my general opinion I wouldn't mind.

parker kent

Assets Model wrote: »

I have to say i'd find it a bit odd myself if someone had more friends of the opposite sex than their own sex. It would definitely put me off dating someone

Why though? Most people tend to make friends in school, work and college. I was in a mixed school with more girls than guys (my class in particular, my 3rd level courses were predominantly female and consequently so will my workplaces.

I am sure there are plenty of others with similar stories. I happen to have lots of female friends for those reasons, it was either make friends with the girls or have very few friends.

Rabble Rabble

So what does best friend entail? ( and what does more than one best friend even mean - i.e. when a guys say most, or even some, of my best friends are women. Surely the best is the best).

Does it mean that the person of the opposite sex will go out with, hang around with, go on holidays with the oppositie-sex friend on any given day ( and just the two of them), or does it just mean that as part of a larger mixed group they get on?

If a guy is calling you up, and wants to go for coffee, etc. then it probably means something.

Skuxx

I dunno, yeah I think if guys and girls become really good friends, one or probly both parties will have thought about what it would be like but that doesn't mean anything is going to happen! Surely if you are dating her she can't think that you are doing your good friends at the same time?? Maybe its just me but seems a bit mad!!
I have lots of good friends who are girls, I'd say more then half I've thought about getting with, one I acted upon but it went nowhere. I have a girlfriend at the moment and the last thing on my mind is getting with my good mates, even though I still see them as much as ever!