Problems having an orgasm

MD!

sorry to jump an old thread but i am having exact same problem as the Op. i cannot orgasim either on my own or with my new boyf. he is my first proper relationship (mid 20s) and the others before that were just ONS or short flings. i thought that this was the problem but now that i have met someone i really like and who really likes me it is still not happening. i am starting to resent that he is getting more out of sex than i am!! i have tried masturbation and i just find it boring, i love the kissing and the intimacy of being with another person. i havent talked to my boyf about this as i have become quite good at faking it at this stage any advice?

Contessa Raven

MD! wrote: »

i havent talked to my boyf about this as i have become quite good at faking it at this stage any advice?

This is bad because by faking it, you are telling him that he is doing everything right. He won't be able to make you O if you don't tell him what you like. Now, I know you can't (right now anyway ) but like I said above, by finding out by yourself what you like, you can tell/show him what does it for you.

Like you I used to find masturbation boring but that was because I hadn't found my buttons yet. I stuck with it though as I was getting sick of not experiencing the climax.

Two people need to work at sex to make it good. If you fake O with your partner then he'll think he's rockin' your world. He won't work any harder if he doesn't realise he needs to! So I think you should come clean (gently-don't shatter his stud muffin image totally ) and explain that you want to sort it out. It will happen. You just have to work at it!

Good luck OP!

CR

Ickle Magoo

Given you your own thread MD! to save you bumping an old thread of someone elses.

Zeouterlimits

Agreed with Contessa, talk to your bf about this.
If you respect and love him, be honest. If he values the relationship and being intimate with you, he'll want to make sex enjoyable for you.

i-digress

Again, don't fake it. If you do, your partner won't try anything different.

Is it that you don't enjoy sex, or that you can't orgasm? If it's just the latter focus on enjoying sex as much as you can, and trying things to get it as good as you can. Try to forget about climaxing, because if you overthink it it will be harder to achieve. Experiment with different positions and things, and see what happens.

Cliched advice, but just try to relax and enjoy it.

28064212

Contessa Raven wrote: »

This is bad because by faking it, you are telling him that he is doing everything right.

+1

You can't really just up and tell him flat out that you've been faking it all along, that would be devastating for his confidence, but you do need to tell him in some way at some stage. Even if you do work at it on your own and manage it by yourself, you'll still find it very difficult with a partner if they're not aware that there's an issue.

It's perfectly ok to tell a guy that you have never/have great difficulty reaching orgasm, but that you still enjoy the other parts of sex. Most guys will take it as a challenge and take great delight it trying to help you reach that point. The most important thing is open and honest communication. If he's trying to pleasure you a way that's not working, you have to be able to say "that's not working for me, let's try something else". Otherwise, he's just wasting his time, and you're lying there thinking "I can't orgasm, I can't orgasm", which makes it infinitely harder.

Most of the source of an orgasm comes (no pun intended) from the mind. You're not going to be able to orgasm if you're trying to force it, you have to let it come naturally. Make it so that your orgasm is not the be-all and end-all of sex. Concentrate on just being "in the moment". Don't focus on whether something will make you orgasm, just focus on whether what's happening feels good. One great way to increase both of your arousal levels while simultaneously relaxing each other is give each other sensual massages (I recommend using baby-oil)

Incidentally, my advice comes from my own experiences. I had (and still do to a degree) great difficulty reaching an orgasm through sex (I'm male btw). It's because I overthought everything. I concentrate far too much on things around me and the end-goal, rather than just being "in the moment". It can be very difficult to change that mindset, and the longer it goes on, the harder it gets to overcome it. Even when you do manage to shut down the other parts of your mind and manage to get close, just thinking about how close you are can cause you to lose that feeling.

Another point: for a woman, a lot of the orgasm can be down to 'muscle memory'. Unlike guys, the more often a woman does orgasm, the easier and more often she can orgasm. Your best bet for your first orgasm is masturbation, since it's a lot easier to be un-selfconscious on your own. You have to follow similar steps though. You can't force it, you just need to focus on what feels good, not what you think/hope will make you orgasm. Organise time for yourself where you're going to be completely relaxed and uninterrupted for an hour. Close the curtains, turn off the phone, light some scented candles and turn up the heating (extremely important, it's very hard to orgasm when you're cold). Some non-lyrical music or just white noise can help, if it won't distract you. The setting should be as calm and relaxed as possible. Make masturbation something that is romantic and intimate for you, even if there's no-one else there. Just spend some time exploring your own body (all of your own body, not just the obvious parts) and concentrate on what feels good. Stimulating your clitoris is most likely to produce an orgasm, so you will need to spend a lot of time on that, but just going straight for it and neglecting everywhere else is unlikely to produce results.

If you do manage to orgasm, try and remember what you were doing and how it felt. Try and remember how your breathing changed, and how your body reacted. Once you get over the first one, it will likely become a lot easier, and you'll also have an idea of how to direct your boyfriend to help you achieve one with him. If you don't, try not to let it worry you and try again when you get a chance. Don't get frustrated, just accept that it may take time

Oops, that turned into something of an essay :pac:. Hope it helps though. And don't fake it!

Canluum

get onto lovehoney.co.uk, buy a vibrator and use it use it use it. Learn your body and figure out how to orgasm, then learn different ways how to do it (vary your technique or you'll just be stuck with one way)... If you can't do it yourself he has no chance. If it's boring you're doing it wrong or thinking too much.

Once you're adept with it start bringing it into the bedroom and show him how to get you off...