Is my husband up to no good?

LegacyUser

I'm in total shock here, im married 6 months- myself and the oh have an email address we both set up a few months ago , its not for personal use as in for friends or family emailing us, we use it for online things, like amazon, flight confirmation stuff like that. so we both have access to it.
anyway, today i logged into this email and there was an email from a dating site saying 'you have one new message'. so i went into it and there was a profile photo of my husband, and marital status 'single', children 'none' (he has 2). i nearly died. all his details were on it. I rang him straight away and asked him why has he got a profile on a dating site, and he said 'ah its probably from years ago'.
i told him, its under 'our' email address, that was only created a few months ago. he got all defensive and said someone must have set it up messing, i reminded him that nobody has that email address.
he said he is going to email the site and find out when it was set up and get ip address and get to the bottom of it. Does he think im f*cking stupid, i know he set it up, maybe he done it as a joke or something, but imagine someone i know was on that site and seen his profile and rumours went around, how Humiliating is that for me.
i know when i go home there's going to be a huge row, cos anytime i catch him out with anything, he starts this defensive **** with me, then says things like 'oh so you dont trust me, oh so you want to break up our marriage' stupid things like that, he always plays mind games with me and makes himself look like the guilty party.
How the hell will I deal with this, i fecking hate big rows etc the thing i hate about rowing with him, you can never win, he goes on and on and on.
he is always going on about ppl who cheat, saying they are all scumbags and he doesnt believe in cheating etc his brothers wife cheated on him for years and his brother went through hell, and my husband caught his ex in bed with his b/f and he broke him.

LighterGuy

This is a nasty situation, op.

Clearly he set up that account. Its a new email address. You went to it and saw a picture of him. As you say, its obvious from the time you created it and until the time you found out.... he created it recently.

"Intentions" should never be ignored. You dont know if he has met anyone from that site (or even other sites) but he has intentions to do so. hence creating the account. So this is serious.


oh and you say he got cheated on before. Its a sad fact of life op, but while half of the people who get cheated on could never do the same to others (because knowing what it feels like) the other half cant remain faithful. Because they've been burnt. Your husband could be in this half. The same people go on and on about cheaters being scum.

What I would do is go back to the website. check the sent messages folder. I imagine he is going to delete the evidence asap. If he hasnt already ...
Also, copy his username and stick it into google. 70% of the time when a person uses the same username on multiple sites google will bring the others up. Its best to get all the facts here. For all you know he could be on others.


If you were just dating him, i would say dump his a**. But you are married. But... even within saying that. You are only married 6 months and he is doing this... thats a sure as hell bad sign to whats going to happen in the future.
I know its easy for me to say but after finding this out, you might want to think of ending things.

seamus

Log into the site and check yourself for information such as the date it was set up and anything sent by the account or anything saved into the account.

Be very, very careful about jumping to conclusions - unless he's a complete moron, why would he used a shared email address for a dating site? Email addresses are free and easy to set up.

If your husband has a facebook account or any other social networking account that's publically available, dating and other such sites are well known for using this data to create profiles for people and then send them emails. This is how the dating site could have photos of him and other personal information.

fungun

my husband caught his ex in bed with his b/f

huh???


anyway....intent is they key here. Id log on and see what he has been doing. Is he actually talking to women on there and suggesting meets?
Its possible he is using it as a source of material for masturbating, whether pics or stories or whatever.

But i wouldnt let him go on the attack....his pic, email address, what other conclusion are you supposed to draw? If he starts getting aggressive id point this out and say you are not looking to attack him, you are trying to understand whats going on.

Ickle Magoo

Firstly I would change the password on the dating profile if you can or take a screen shot in case it is deleted. Is it possible to see where the profile picture was uploaded from? If it's your pc or his photobucket account then he's on a hiding to nothing.

That said, I can't understand why he'd be daft enough to use an e-mail address you have access to when he could easily set one up just for that purpose. Are you sure no-one is playing funny buggers?

LegacyUser

fungun wrote: »

huh???
.

hahaha sorry it meant his best friend..lol

LegacyUser

seamus wrote: »

Log into the site and check yourself for information such as the date it was set up and anything sent by the account or anything saved into the account.

Be very, very careful about jumping to conclusions - unless he's a complete moron, why would he used a shared email address for a dating site? Email addresses are free and easy to set up.

If your husband has a facebook account or any other social networking account that's publically available, dating and other such sites are well known for using this data to create profiles for people and then send them emails. This is how the dating site could have photos of him and other personal information.

i have logged into the site and it was set up july 2010, he does have a fb account but its not publically available, and i know that this email account he does not use on FB. he said the same to me 'why would i use that email address if i wanted to cheat on you'. i said to him 'i dont know, maybe you used it without thinking'. he is insisting he knows nothing about this account.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Firstly I would change the password on the dating profile if you can or take a screen shot in case it is deleted. Is it possible to see where the profile picture was uploaded from? If it's your pc or his photobucket account then he's on a hiding to nothing.

That said, I can't understand why he'd be daft enough to use an e-mail address you have access to when he could easily set one up just for that purpose. Are you sure no-one is playing funny buggers?

i have deactivated the acccount now, but i did screen shot it on his photo and the 'single' status and saved it, just in case a row starts later and he denies anyting, at least i will have that as back up. He keeps saying it has to be someone messing, but i know for a fact that NOBODY not even my best friend has our email address, as we only use it for booking tickets, flights etc
i know when he is lying because he gets so defensive
maybe he just set up it as an ego boost, to see if he is still fanciable to other females

dory

hubbyuptonogood wrote: »

he said he is going to email the site and find out when it was set up and get ip address and get to the bottom of it. Does he think im f*cking stupid, i know he set it up, maybe he done it as a joke or something, but imagine someone i know was on that site and seen his profile and rumours went around, how Humiliating is that for me.
i know when i go home there's going to be a huge row, cos anytime i catch him out with anything, he starts this defensive **** with me, then says things like 'oh so you dont trust me, oh so you want to break up our marriage' stupid things like that, he always plays mind games with me and makes himself look like the guilty party.

The above is very odd. That he would make you feel so bad when it is he who has done something wrong.
If this is true, you're not only married to someone who is manipulative, but also not very bright if he used the shared email.

I'd also agree with the above that it is often those who go on about how cheaters are scum who are the cheaters.

None of us know for sure, but from what I've read you've been handed a golden opportunity to see what this man is really like before you really get attached with children. Personally, I would run.

LegacyUser

dory wrote: »

The above is very odd. That he would make you feel so bad when it is he who has done something wrong.

yes because he has been caught out, rather than admitting to it, he would deny it down to the ground and lie to get himself out of it. he is one of these ppl that if he gets caught lying about something so stupid, he would lie to cover up a lie and then ends up tripping himself up and lies to get out of that. he has to go on and on and on till you give up. Like mind games.

StarryMoon0

dory wrote: »

The above is very odd. That he would make you feel so bad when it is he who has done something wrong.
If this is true, you're not only married to someone who is manipulative, but also not very bright if he used the shared email.

Not odd at all actually. Its the first point of defense for someone in that position. Turn it around, make the other person feel bad so they back down. Its a kind of passive/aggresive behaviour.

You'd seriously be surprised how silly people can be when they do things like this. I have first hand experience of it.

StarryMoon0

OP, have you ever had cause to think about this type of stuff before? Anything ever strike you as "odd" ?

As another poster suggested, did you google the username?
All I can suggest is checking the pc history every so often to see what he's up to.

Coupled with the bit about him making you feel bad about it, its maybe a bit worrying. Hard to say though, only you know his normal behaviour and what lengths he will go to to hide stuff.

I've been in this situation before and ignored my own instincts for years because every time soemthing "funny" happened he turned it around, made me feel bad, and made himself seem like the injured party.
Not saying this one incidentmeans anything, it might very well be nothing. Again, what does your instinct say?

Fittle

OK, so he's in work now - possibly (or probably) ringing around some mates getting them to 'admit' that they set up that profile for a joke, which we all (particularly you) know is NOT true.

So he'll come home tonight and spin you one, or maybe more yarns about how his profile got there. It's all lies. 100%. He set up the page himself.

You say you're married about 6 months, but you've 2 kids so you're together a good few years anyway. But 6 months brings us back to last march when you got married? So after 4 months of marriage, (in july) he decides to set up a profile on an internet dating site.....not good OP, not good at all.

Please don't let him convince you tonight that you are mad and that even if he did set up the page himself (though I doubt he'll admit it to you), it was a joke. Like someone else said, the INTENT is there to meet other women.

I'm not a marriage guidance counsellor OP, but the answer to your original question is a definitive YES, your husband is up to no good. Or at least he INTENDED to get up to no good...until you found this profile:(

LegacyUser

Fittle wrote: »

You say you're married about 6 months, but you've 2 kids so you're together a good few years anyway. But 6 months brings us back to last march when you got married? So after 4 months of marriage, (in july) he decides to set up a profile on an internet dating site.....not good OP, not good at all.

we got married early april, we're together 3yrs, and no they are his kids from a previous relationship, this is the relationship were he caught his ex cheating with his best friend. i dont see where he would get the time to meet other women, cos he works 9-5pm, gets home at 5.30 and we spend all our free time together. so maybe he just set up that profile for an ego boost. the username is one of them random usernames that the sites give you if you dont make up your own. i.e username12345

whats getting to me is that if we do have a row later, he will start this mind game crap with me, making me feel like the bad one, i just hate rowing. id rather him be outstraight with me then making up lie upon lie upon lie to get out of it.

sbsquarepants

Honestly, he would want to be a peculiar breed of idiot to used a shared email account for something like this, plus you say it's a site generated user name? Sounds to me like someone else set it up, once you have information on the web it's very easy for things like this to happen.
My girlfriend synched her new phone with google the other day and within minutes was inundated with email addresses etc for people she had lost contact with even before the average person had an email address. So i'd be carefull if i was you. I'm not saying he didn't do it, just that if he did he's a gob****e! You married him. so you know is he that stupid?

seenitall

hubbyuptonogood wrote: »

whats getting to me is that if we do have a row later, he will start this mind game crap with me, making me feel like the bad one, i just hate rowing. id rather him be outstraight with me then making up lie upon lie upon lie to get out of it.

OP, you probably know this in your heart already, but you are married to a very nasty piece of work. I am talking from some experience here.

If you stay with this man, you will gain being a manipulative, selfish worm's wife, and you will, slowly and insiduously, step by step, lose your trust in your marriage, your perception of what "love" really means, and your self esteem.

You deserve so much more than this.

I hope I am wrong about this, because I know it is probably harsh on you to read, OP. But the truth of it is, with the experience I have behind me of something very similar, I'd be out the door already, marriage or no marriage. No mind games, no disrespectful crap, no lies. Just run for your life.

Just giving you the benefit of my experience.

Best wishes.

Zen65

seenitall wrote: »

OP, you probably know this in your heart already, but you are married to a very nasty piece of work. I am talking from some experience here.

You know this OP's husband?

If you do, your experience is very relevant.

Of course if you don't know him, but you know some other person who misbehaved, then surely your experience is irrelevant, because you're talking about somebody else.

OP, I have at least 8 e-mail accounts, not because I need them but because in time each e-mail account gets hit with SPAM e-mails offering me online medication (which is pretty much always Viagra, or similar), or Russian brides, or some damn phishing trap. I cannot count how many times I have won the internet lottery.

This happens even to e-mail accounts I almost never use.

So it is possible that this account was not set up by your OH, but could have been set up by somebody who "found" the e-mail on one of the servers (even large websites like Amazon, Boards, Hotmail etc get breached by hackers specifically to target e-mail addresses). It's possible you received a virus in an e-mail (on another account) which passed back information from your PC which somebody used to download your e-mail addresses.

Possible, but unlikely. The balance of probability suggests he set that account up himself. Why?

You have said yourself that OH would not have had spare time to actually cheat by meeting anybody from that site, so it's possible this was just something he did to stroke his ego, or (as another poster said) - to help him get self-aroused.

So yes, you should discuss this with him, but in a rational way. If he raises his voice just be very curt and tell him you don't want to hear any BS, you want to discuss this as adults. Remember it is possible that he didn't do it, because the alternative is that he's a complete idiot to have used a shared e-mail address.

If he denies everything - well then you may want to consider whether you need more proof.

Personally, rather than deleting or locking his account, I would have created your own account on the site (false pic, name, and a special e-mail account just for this.) Contact your OH's profile and indicate an interest, see what the response is.


Be at peace,

Z

seenitall

Zen65 wrote: »

You know this OP's husband?

If you do, your experience is very relevant.

Of course if you don't know him, but you know some other person who misbehaved, then surely your experience is irrelevant, because you're talking about somebody else.

Thank you for taking the time to react to my post, Zen. However I prefer to let the OP decide whether my experience could be relevant to her problem.

If we only ever learned from our own experience, everyone would be in pretty serious problems on a pretty constant basis.

I happen to have lived through the emotional mind-games and manipulation that the OP has ascribed to her husband in every one of her posts, describing herself in turmoil over it as well, and that is even before we get to the possible account setting/cheating. Now, if that is not a huge red flag for the health of a relationship, I don't know what is.

You don't have to personally know someone before you can make some kind of judgment on their actions and the consequences thereof, which are IMO perfectly plain to see in the OP's current state of mind.

Be at peace!

LighterGuy

Zen65 wrote: »

You know this OP's husband?

If you do, your experience is very relevant.

Of course if you don't know him, but you know some other person who misbehaved, then surely your experience is irrelevant, because you're talking about somebody else....

That was very snotty to Seenitall, Zen. No need for that.

come on. lets not be naive here. out of all the couples that had this exact same problem (lets face it, it has to of happened before) how many genuinely got hacked or pranked. What 1 out of 100? come on...


I know what you're saying Zen about "you have one message" emails .... such as a site called badoo for example (a social networking site) they will send you emails after someone invites you saying "you have 1 message" - heres the thing tho. When you click on the link you dont have a profile! it then prompts you to create a profile...

it does not already show your profile with attached photo ...

Simple fact is the op's husband created this account. And is now telling such a blatant lie that maybe someone else did it because he was caught red handed... now doing what liars do best... tell more lies. rather than being honest.

seriously. how can people be that naive.

Ickle Magoo

Please keep posts relevant to the OP, if you have an issue with another post or poster then either report it or take it to PM.

Many thanks

Ickle

Zen65

LighterGuy wrote: »

That was very snotty to Seenitall, Zen. No need for that.

You may be right LighterGuy, I can see how it could be read as "being snotty" and that was not the intent of my post. I unreservedly apologise to Seenitall if my post appeared to be an attack on her, rather than my attempt to put context on the relevance of the "experience" she was citing.

However I would unreservedly say that applying a judgement about somebody's character on the basis of an experience you may have had with somebody else is unhelpful. Describing OP's husband as a "nasty piece of work" seems to me to be an unwarranted assumption. Being a "nasty piece of work" requires some modicum of intelligence, and if OP's OH did set up that account with a shared e-mail address then he is seriously lacking intelligence

Now having said that I fully agree with you that the probability of this being a hack or a fake is very limited (I thought that's what I said in my post too?). I referred to the possibility of it being the work of somebody else to try put context to why the probability of it not being the OH who set up the account is so low.

As for being naive, I didn't see anything in OP's post to suggest she was!!
Thankfully, it appears OP is an order of magnitude more intelligent than her husband.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Just a word of warning before crucifying him, if it's a site like Zoosk or anyother Facebook spin-off app, he might have nothing to do with it. It just trawls through your facebook info and seems to make an acount for you on the basis of that.

seenitall

I would disagree with your qualifier for a "nasty piece of work" (I know it is an emotive expression, yet I am still satisfied with the context I have used it in), am happy to leave it at that however.

IrishEyes19

Guys. seriously I doubt it was spam. I know spam has quite evolved these days, but I really dont think its capable of setting up a dating profile, picking a correct photo of a person, and their details. The OP, found his account, not an email asking him to set it up.

OP, I would advise you to be very strict on this and get him to come clean. I also dont believe friends would do that to a married man, maybe to a guy who was dating as it seems a typical lads joke. But this seems very immature to do as a joke.

seamus

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Guys. seriously I doubt it was spam. I know spam has quite evolved these days, but I really dont think its capable of setting up a dating profile, picking a correct photo of a person, and their details. The OP, found his account, not an email asking him to set it up.

That's how a lot of spam works these days. A spider crawls facebook and various other social networking sites - even stuff like tripadvisor, amazon, etc if you've set up profiles there, then it uses this information and populates the contents of a profile on a dating site or a fnck-buddy site and sends you an email saying, "You have x new messages" or, "John Doe, Prissy663 from Sligo wants to meet you tonight! Log into your account to reply".

I imagine a number of marriages have been destroyed by it.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Guys. seriously I doubt it was spam. I know spam has quite evolved these days, but I really dont think its capable of setting up a dating profile, picking a correct photo of a person, and their details. The OP, found his account, not an email asking him to set it up.

OP, I would advise you to be very strict on this and get him to come clean. I also dont believe friends would do that to a married man, maybe to a guy who was dating as it seems a typical lads joke. But this seems very immature to do as a joke.

Irisheyes19, i totally agree with you. as i said before, this shared email address we have, would not be on fb or other such sites and as i said none of our friends have this email address. the fact that his photo and all his details were there, his hobbies etc even in the inbox it had the welcoming mail from the site.
the fact he got so defensive (something he does when he is caught out), i mailed him earlier and said 'look i have deleted this profile, we can either do two things, forget about it and be this a lesson learnt that you got caught out and can easily get caught again, our marriage is too important to be messing around with crap like this OR you can keep going on and on and on and fight. your been let off very lightly, the choice is yours.
he just replied 'okay, so how is your day going'
So lets just say, i willl be keeping a closer eye on him after this episode.
thank you all for your replies.

IrishEyes19

seamus wrote: »

That's how a lot of spam works these days. A spider crawls facebook and various other social networking sites - even stuff like tripadvisor, amazon, etc if you've set up profiles there, then it uses this information and populates the contents of a profile on a dating site or a fnck-buddy site and sends you an email saying, "You have x new messages" or, "John Doe, Prissy663 from Sligo wants to meet you tonight! Log into your account to reply".

I imagine a number of marriages have been destroyed by it.

With all his personal details on it? Seriously now? And his initial reaction was "ah that was probably from years ago?

My reaction would be "what site is that?" Because Id certainly remember if I had joined one. And if its a joint account, why was it his profile picture, the OP, said it was merely used for amazon and family email. Not social networking

StarryMoon0

hubbyuptonogood wrote: »

Irisheyes19, i totally agree with you. as i said before, this shared email address we have, would not be on fb or other such sites and as i said none of our friends have this email address. the fact that his photo and all his details were there, his hobbies etc even in the inbox it had the welcoming mail from the site.
the fact he got so defensive (something he does when he is caught out), i mailed him earlier and said 'look i have deleted this profile, we can either do two things, forget about it and be this a lesson learnt that you got caught out and can easily get caught again, our marriage is too important to be messing around with crap like this OR you can keep going on and on and on and fight. your been let off very lightly, the choice is yours.
he just replied 'okay, so how is your day going'
So lets just say, i willl be keeping a closer eye on him after this episode.
thank you all for your replies.

Ok, he had his hobbies and details...right so, he had to have set it up, and his repsonse to you pretty much confirms that.
You sound like me 5 years ago .. how I wish I would have pursued the issue at the time, not leave it sit untill i found out about all he'd being doing.
Unlike your OH, mine made flimsy excuses, and said he was sorry.
I'm only sayign this so that you can be aware. Just because he doesn't have the time to actually physically cheat, doesn't mean he can't emotionally mess around and withdraw from you. I hope for your sake this is just a once off, never to be repeated.

seamus

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

With all his personal details on it? Seriously now? And his initial reaction was "ah that was probably from years ago?

My reaction would be "what site is that?" Because Id certainly remember if I had joined one. And if its a joint account, why was it his profile picture, the OP, said it was merely used for amazon and family email. Not social networking

I'm not defending the husband here, merely giving some general guidance. Maybe he did use sites in the past, maybe it's an avoidance technique on his part.

People do use joint accounts for all sorts of crap. Myself and my brother use a joint email account for a nixer business we have. Except that he also uses it for booking things and buying things and was paranoid that I'd found out about his wife's pregnancy cos he was stupid enough to order baby books from amazon and the order confirmation came through to me (I didn't see it).

So it's not beyond the realms of possibility that he created an innocent account somewhere using this shared email account.

Again, I'm not saying he's innocent. Going by the OP's last post, he's not.

IrishEyes19

hubbyuptonogood wrote: »

Irisheyes19, i totally agree with you. as i said before, this shared email address we have, would not be on fb or other such sites and as i said none of our friends have this email address. the fact that his photo and all his details were there, his hobbies etc even in the inbox it had the welcoming mail from the site.
the fact he got so defensive (something he does when he is caught out), i mailed him earlier and said 'look i have deleted this profile, we can either do two things, forget about it and be this a lesson learnt that you got caught out and can easily get caught again, our marriage is too important to be messing around with crap like this OR you can keep going on and on and on and fight. your been let off very lightly, the choice is yours.
he just replied 'okay, so how is your day going'
So lets just say, i willl be keeping a closer eye on him after this episode.
thank you all for your replies.

OP, I think your letting him off way too light here....Im shocked that he simply replied ok, how was your day. Sounds like to me he feels he's gotten away with it. I mean clearly he just admitted to it there as you said, let it be a lesson learnt. Id want to know why he did it.

I know your hurt and dont want anymore damage done to your marriage than this might have caused. But for your own peace of mind, Id want to know what the hell he was playing at and why.

LighterGuy

Just for the record I wasnt calling you naive Zen65 :pac: ... rather the notion of how a person could entertain such blatant lies by the op's husband.



This really is a sad world we live in. I know this could be rationalised by saying its 1 in 30 marriages or something. But is it?

How many threads do we see on here with a husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend on a dating site? ... man, its worrying.

SheRa

But how could he delete it if he didn't set it up? He would need the password to do that.

LighterGuy

I do believe the op cancelled her husbands account, but only after taking a screenshot of the profile.

If I was the op, i would enter his username into google. You'd be suprised how many people use the same username on other sites and google brings it up.

IrishEyes19

LighterGuy wrote: »

I do believe the op cancelled her husbands account, but only after taking a screenshot of the profile.

If I was the op, i would enter his username into google. You'd be suprised how many people use the same username on other sites and google brings it up.

Agreed, but I think its gone beyond that point now....the OP's last post indicates he is guilty, I think she should find out now why he did it and have a long conversation on it. I know the policy of forgive and forget is the method she suggested to him, but he lied about it first, and brushing it under the carpet does not sort out why he did it in the first place. It's a deal breaker in my opinion if he doesnt fess up to why he did it.

LighterGuy

I agree IrishEyes.
I think its too far gone now.

Being on a dating site while newly married. Thats enough for any person with the smallest amount of sense to realise his intentions.
Even if he didnt do anything, everything always starts with an intention. Then that turns into a chat, a phone number, a meet etc etc.

That could of been forgiving... but not if he lies about it. Which he did.


Sad really

greengiant09

i know someone who sounds just like your fella op. he would flat out deny stuff when he was caught out....and you had to literally have to back-up stuff to prove him wrong.

this whole thing sounds fishy...you got to wonder what exactly he's been up to. this person i knew who was acting like this was doing the dirt and had done numerous times and i never would have suspected it.....and they would have gone on with the same spiel 'i hate cheaters', etc.......you have been warned. you'd be surprised at what people get up to....especially when you think you really know them.

LegacyUser

I'd say there alot of men out there OP, who wish they were married to such an easy going wife as yourself!
No disrespect but you emailed him?
And then got that response?

And that's it now?

God, he's one lucky bloke!

I am a friend

hubbyuptonogood wrote: »

maybe he done it as a joke or something,

This sounds so similar to my situation I am finding it hard to type and its very upsetting for me.

Its no joke hon.. He didnt do it for a joke. He did it to meet someone. Trust me - I have been in your position and i tried to rationalise it to myself too...

hubbyuptonogood wrote: »

anytime i catch him out with anything, he starts this defensive **** with me, then says things like 'oh so you dont trust me, oh so you want to break up our marriage' stupid things like that, he always plays mind games with me and makes himself look like the guilty party.

It weird, I got the same [EMAIL="cr@p"]cr@p[/EMAIL] from my ex... He never accepted he did anything wrong and it was always me causing the trouble. Wont go into the details but he is very clever doing this to you..

hubbyuptonogood wrote: »

he is always going on about ppl who cheat, saying they are all scumbags and he doesnt believe in cheating etc his brothers wife cheated on him for years and his brother went through hell, and my husband caught his ex in bed with his b/f and he broke him.

My ex was the same but he let it slip how he was with a woman when his relationship with his ex wife was 'dead', how he went to the Gaeltacht with a male friend and his ex didnt mind, months later he let it slip that he kissed somoene in the Gaeltacht and then said he was only getting back with his ex at that stage... People who dont cheat and who dont think about it, dont need to talk about it all the time....

Hon, my heart breaks for you and you have hard decisions ahead of you but dont let him convince you this is innocent - its not !

Best of luck.

I am a friend

I just saw the OP's message saying she was letting it go and it would teach him a lesson.... I hope it does....

StillWaters

hubbyuptonogood wrote: »

i mailed him earlier and said 'look i have deleted this profile, we can either do two things, forget about it and be this a lesson learnt that you got caught out and can easily get caught again, our marriage is too important to be messing around with crap like this OR you can keep going on and on and on and fight. your been let off very lightly, the choice is yours.
he just replied 'okay, so how is your day going'
So lets just say, i willl be keeping a closer eye on him after this episode.
thank you all for your replies.

You are being incredibly passive about this. The above is hardly a slap on the wrist.

By acknowledging to him that you know what he did, but emailing (not even talking face to face) him forgiveness, you have given him carte blanche to do this to you again.

I think you need to examine why you keep putting up with cr*p from this man, pick your self esteem up off the floor and maybe have some counselling for yourself.

Bottle_of_Smoke

StillWaters wrote: »

You are being incredibly passive about this. The above is hardly a slap on the wrist.

By acknowledging to him that you know what he did, but emailing (not even talking face to face) him forgiveness, you have given him carte blanche to do this to you again.

I think you need to examine why you keep putting up with cr*p from this man, pick your self esteem up off the floor and maybe have some counselling for yourself.

+10

IrishEyes19

I can see where the OP feels the need not to run from him straight away...a boyfriend is one thing, but she is married, and I guess that is also very hard to leave especially if you love him. However, the other posters are right, you need to take a step back and find out why he did this and also prepare for the ugly truth that he has been dishonest. Wishing you all the best, OP, its a horrible and I really hope it works out for you.

Kidchameleon

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

but I really dont think its capable of setting up a dating profile, picking a correct photo of a person, and their details.

It certainly can do these things, quite easily...

IrishEyes19

Kidchameleon wrote: »

It certainly can do these things, quite easily...

Perhaps, but the OP said his hobbies, the way he words it, were all accurate. Computers dont read minds. And he's practically admitted it to her at this stage with his last reaction.

Kidchameleon

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Perhaps, but the OP said his hobbies, the way he words it, were all accurate. Computers dont read minds. And he's practically admitted it to her at this stage with his last reaction.

Yep I just saw the OP's last post. My God she is being way to soft on this issue. Its a total deal breaker as far as I'm concerned, assuming he's guilty.

IrishEyes19

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Yep I just saw the OP's last post. My God she is being way to soft on this issue. Its a total deal breaker as far as I'm concerned, assuming he's guilty.

I completely agree, but I suppose we have take the fact that they are married and the OP possibly still loves him into context, it must have been a real shocker and I can imagine she is feeling very numb right now...it will take a few days to let the numbness subside and then the thinking cap to come on.

@OP, demand an explaination, because I dont think this is a once off to be honest and if you get none, I would threaten to leave for a few days to go to a relative or something, just threaten it and see his reaction. Right now he should be kissing up to you, not saying "ok and how was your day," he thinks he has got off scott free and you have to lay down the groundwork and show him this is far from over.

It really is something you cant let go in my opinion. And although it may spell the end for this relationship, the road ahead will be a hell of a lot more painfull if you slowly uncover more lies along the way. A profile on a dating site indicates this isnt the first time to be honest. And I wouldnt be surprised if its not the only one he has set up or if he has possibly met up with women, as you dont know when the profile was created.

magneticimpulse

read your 1st post (sorry didnt read all replies, will catch up on it tomorrow).

Anyway, I can say this does happen. As a person who is a regular on dating websites.

I remember some guy in Galway a few months ago around March was emailing me from one of these sites. He stupidly gave me his "regular" email address which turned out to be the same as his Facebook email address. For curosity I searched for him on Facebook and up came his profile and his "long term girlfriend" and status as being in a relationship and his main profile photo was the 2 of them together. I saved a print screen shot and saved it. Couldnt find who the girlfriend was...but if I did, I would have been tempted to send her the screen shot.

Anyway, I confronted him...and he gave me some lame excuse. (i always check to see if they have facebook since then).

Anyway for your husband to do this to you...all I can say is he sounds like a pratt and not someone you really want to be married to. If he was out one night and had drunken snog, you would be angry...but it might not have been something he planned. Whereas signing up to a "dating" website is something which he did, planned and with the intention to search for other women.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who cannot be honest or you cant trust? You have tried to confront him about it, but he has not even been decent enough to give you a straight answer.

magneticimpulse

LighterGuy wrote: »

I do believe the op cancelled her husbands account, but only after taking a screenshot of the profile.

If I was the op, i would enter his username into google. You'd be suprised how many people use the same username on other sites and google brings it up.

this is so true...i did this with an ex once and he came up as being on really dodgy porn sites as a member (i knew it was him as his best friend was using a username which he uses)

LighterGuy

I dont really like to talk about this as I feel its something that not many people have stumbled across :P But people are creatures of habit.

For example, my username is LighterGuy. I only use this username on this site. Its not an original name. There are others using it. But within saying that my username is generic. I just mixed 2 words together. Which, alot of people dont do. Eg, Blancfox , bouncyjellybean etc.

A quick google search of the terms "Lighterguy" in the Ireland section brings up some of my posts on here.

But it doesnt stop there. Google is one tricky SOB.
A google search of "boards.ie lighterguy" brings up my boards.ie posts. Here is the freaky thing: boards.ie does not officially list any of our registered username posts on the personal issues or relationships issues forums. In other words, if you click my profile and see what posts i have made. None from both personal issues or relationship forums will be shown due to this section having ambiguity. Yet, google will bring it up.

For further example: put in "boards.ie lighterguy relationship" to see all.


My point is your average person has the same username on multiple sites. Your average person who users the net does not realise that using the same username is a sort of digital fingerprint that google will pick up upon.


**LighterGuy finding new uses for the net since 1985** muhaha :pac:

BettePorter

hubbyuptonogood wrote: »

, i mailed him earlier and said 'look i have deleted this profile, we can either do two things, forget about it and be this a lesson learnt that you got caught out and can easily get caught again, our marriage is too important to be messing around with crap like this OR you can keep going on and on and on and fight. your been let off very lightly, the choice is yours.
he just replied 'okay, so how is your day going'
So lets just say, i willl be keeping a closer eye on him after this episode.
thank you all for your replies.

WTF ??????? Jeez Op you really showed him didn't you !

So basically everything is up to him ? You're saying in essence , i really don't want to know about this cause it may lead to a huge row atfer which you may leave me and i'd rather have you cheat behind my back than lose you !

Congratulations !.............in being understanding and such a walk over, you've now given him carte blanche to do as he pleases, safe in the knowledge that if he's ever caught with his pants down again you'll be just as weak as you've been here !

Do you honestly think that he's going to bed this evening thinking ' phew that was a close one, she nearly cut my balls off. i'll never do that again'. you're being a total walkover OP.

This is your husband op ! He actively opened an account, a DATING account !, added hobbies, went to the trouble of adding a picture, it's nothing something you do in 15 minutes op. it takes time and thought, it's not like filling out a questionaire that pops up when you open an app on fb. (which personally i never do cause i can't be bothered or have the time ) so to open an account on a dating site, he had intent and forthought.

OP if i were you, it woyuld be black bags on the front lawn when he came home, not forgiving e mails and ' lets forget about it '..........(which i read as you basically saying ' please don't leave me ' )

StarryMoon0

I am a friend wrote: »

I just saw the OP's message saying she was letting it go and it would teach him a lesson.... I hope it does....

I doubt it. It took 5 years of me catching my OH and "hoping he learned his lesson". I had to actually end the marriage for him to learn his lesson.