The In-Laws...am i being selfish??

LegacyUser

hi all, sorry for the rant but need advice... OH mentioned a few times recently about having his parents & brother fly over & stay in our house for 2 weeks of christmas... so didn't really think much of it until he went and booked their flights yesterday (they're not irish).
i am almost 5 months pregnant, due early January, we're together 3 years & only recently moved in together, this will be our first xmas together as he has flown home previous years.
To be fair he only sees his family about twice a year so i can't really argue with that. They are nice i've met them 3 times but the thoughts of having 3 relative strangers under my feet for xmas, i'll be 8 months pregnant and probably expected to run around cooking & cleaning for them for the whole 2 weeks of their stay... i also work full time and will be working over xmas so days off aren't an option for me.
They are catholic but they have their xmas dinner on 24th so i told him we could have dinner with his family 24th and just him and me go to my family on 25th.
But no! he's not happy with this and wants me to invite my (fairly large) family to my house on 24th and then have his family spend all of xmas day at my parents house!
i really don't think it's fair as the parents have only met once, there is a language barrier as his parents don't speak english and it's a lot to ask my mother to make dinner for even more people...
He's extremely sensitive to the fact that i have my family around all the time while he never gets to see his. (which i can understand)..
But i really don't think any of my family would be comfortable having 3 strangers in the house for xmas dinner!!
HELP!!!! How do i get this across to OH without insulting him or his family???

Another prob is that i've asked him to book a day off for my birthday a week before his family arrive for xmas to go to galway for the day just 2 of us but he's saying no way as we'll have to clean the house before they arrive... in my eyes, this is my last xmas and birthday i'll have to myself before the baby arrives and i'd like a day out just for the 2 of us but he's refusing saying it's a waste of a day off and we'll have too much cleaning to do before family arrive ....

again HELP!!!

Babooshka

You'll be 8 months pregnant...of course you're not being unreasonable to ask not to be cooking and cleaning up after anyone else. If that's what he expects...haven't you discussed it? Doesn't sound like you did. I find that hard going, as if my partner went and booked flights for his family and I was 5 months pregnant and he didn't ask me how I would feel about it all, I'd go bananas to be very honest.

He is entitled to see his family and want to have them around at Christmas , but to be honest if he isn't putting you first while you're about to give birth, I'd be wondering why. Maybe he just thinks that they'll be able to give you support by any chance? Maybe he expects that they'll help with the cooking and cleaning etc (I would hope he'd expect them to help out at least) Can't you talk with your own family about this also, as in are they going to be supportive of you during this time, as it's a tiring time? You sound as though you're worried about everyone else when they should be all asking you what you want seeing as you're about to give birth a few weeks after the event...

Sounds like you really need to tell him how this is all making you feel and that you're worried it'll put stress on you. Best of luck with it.

Standman

First of all, you will be heavily pregnant come christmas and no one will expect you to be running around cooking and doing things for them. If they are decent people then they should be helping you out, even if they are guests!

It seems he is eager for your two families to get together for Christmas, which I think is a nice sentiment, it's good for the in-laws to meet even if there is a language barrier and I think it would be quite rude to go off to your parents place with your OH, leaving his parents alone in your house on Christmas day.

You're concerned that your mum has to make dinner for extra people, but you have ample time to prepare for this I mean its only September, and 3 more isn't a huge number! I think when you get married or have a life-partner these kind of situations are inevitabley going to happen so you just have to make a few compromises. You keep saying they are strangers but they are not! They are your OH's parents, not just some people who wandered in off the street. If you love your other half and he is the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then surely his parents must have done a bit of a good job. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree as they say. Even if it is a bit awkward, and I know it can be especially with the language barrier, it's not the end of the world. Theyl be there for a relatively short time and as you said your OH rarely gets to see them.

I don't think you are being selfish, it seems the main thing you want to avoid is putting pressure on your parents. So I reckon you should really talk it through with them, see if they are ok about having them over on Christmas day. I don't think they should have much of an objection! Remember in-laws are a kind of family, so I think making room for them for just one christmas is not too much to ask. Try not to get too stressed out over it (although I know thats hard), and be open with your OH about your concerns and listen to and help each other! You are both in this so both should be prepared to make compromises.

Lastly, he says he cant take a day off to go to galway a week before xmas, and his reason is that the house needs cleaning? And you just want to go for the day? It seems pretty unreasonable of him to say that, cleaning a house does not take a week.

LittleBook

"Newlyweds", pregnancy, Christmas, foreign in-laws ... there's a film in there somewhere.

My OH isn't Irish so I can completely sympathise with your hubby wanting to spend Christmas with his family, first Christmas, all the families together, new house, new baby, etc.

But to be honest, what he's expecting of you is not reasonable.

Two weeks is too long, a week would have been enough. And he should not have booked the airline tickets without you two nailing down your plans beforehand.

That's done now and can't be helped I guess, but you should make this point to him for future reference. I would hate to feel rail-roaded into something like this ... you can be sympathetic to his situation but there is a limit.

As for the rest of it ... two Christmas dinners? No way. Dinner on Christmas Eve with his family (the more important day for them anyway) and dinner on Christmas Day with your family ... couldn't be simpler and would probably suit everyone except your OH who appears to want to have his cake and eat it.

Whatever about whether you can cope with what he's suggesting for Christmas Eve, he can't impose on your family on Christmas Day. Drinks and snacks in the evening or something maybe, but not dinner.

The only bright spot in your post is the Galway situation, where it seems that he's prepared to do the preparation for their visit ... albeit at the expense of something specific you want to do unfortunately ... so I don't get the impression that you'll be expected to do everything.

You two need to sit down and plan your Christmas, find out what you both want to get out of it and find a compromise ... otherwise it will be a total nightmare.

SheRa

I agree with the posters above except for the bit about it not being too hard to cook for 3 extra people. It would mean that the OP's mother would have to host three of her in-laws that she has never met before, that dont speak english (and may have different dietary requirements) on christmas day, a day which can be stressful at the best of times. It would mean her having to get more food in (which may not fit into her oven etc).

OP you really need to talk to your OH about your concerns. My goodness you sound so stressed already about the whole thing and you are pregnant and should be staying away from stress. It sounds to me like your OP got a bit carried away with booking the flights and maybe didnt think the whole thing through.

Ickle Magoo

Definitely sit your other-half down and explain how you feel and why and thrash out a plan of campaign now so you both get the most of what you want. My family aren't in Ireland while my husbands are so I can understand the feeling of wanting time with your own family and also that you've done more than your fair share of family occasions for a partner and expecting them to go the extra mile - but you'll be eight months pregnant which completely changes things.

You can also try to make life a bit easier by cooking dishes and freezing them so you have little preparation to do at the time...

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

OP, I think you are being a bit selfish to be honest. He never gets to see his family and you have access to yours all the time, yet you want him to leave them at home alone on XMas day....

Who said you are going to have to do everything? You might be jumping the gun a bit there and they may more help to you than you realise now... Dont cook dinner if you dont feel up to it but let him have his Xmas with all his family i.e. his and yours. Maybe compromise and go home to your parents for dessert so your Mother doesnt get pressurised.

There is a lot of talk about eing 8 months pregnant. I have been there and never whined and moaned.. After all you are not sick - you are just pregnant and it happens all over the world all the time.

niceoneted

You never know the baby might arrive a bit early and that would change it all.
I think a week would have been fine and have them over again soon after the baby is born for another week.
Why not book them in nice somewhere in Ireland for a few days so they can do a bit of sightseeing and you will have some breathing space from each other.

thefeatheredcat

annoyedgirl wrote: »

i'll be 8 months pregnant and probably expected to run around cooking & cleaning for them for the whole 2 weeks of their stay...

I think it's safe to assume that you haven't actually talked about this whole thing together? That's why I highlighted the above, as that's where I'm getting that from.

Firstly, sit down with your OH and talk about what actually will be happening.

I would doubt anyone will have you cleaning and cooking...

I actually thought myself that it seemed more like since Christmas and your baby is due to arrive in early January they may want to help out (especially if it's anyway like last winter) and lend a hand so neither you or your OH are having to deal with it alone (in case the baby arrives early) and hence that's why they're coming over. Not to put you to more effort and trouble.

Like getting the two families together at Christmas to celebrate your love and living together and your new arrival and celebrate together as an extended family unit ready to be on hand for anything

anyway, I suggest you have a long chat with your OH about this trip and what will be happening and what the plan is. I think you might be putting your feet up more than you expect! I hope so anyway. But make sure you voice your concerns now rather than keeping it bottled up and then having an explosion when they arrive if you are expected to do the work and putting stress on your baby. If you're not up to too many people around, it's best to speak up now.

Ickle Magoo

not sick just pregnant wrote: »

There is a lot of talk about eing 8 months pregnant. I have been there and never whined and moaned.. After all you are not sick - you are just pregnant and it happens all over the world all the time.

I've been there too - and I was on crutches due to a pregnancy related condition that made walking agony. I don't think being aware that being heavily pregnant can bring it's own issues & making allowances accordingly is necessarily a bad thing. Be prepared and all that.

the gob

no offence op but your partner has about as much respect for you as he would for a lump of dog dirt on his shoe

2 weeks!! and you will be eight months pregnant!!- and then he books flights with your money without telling you!- he sounds like a real catch!

if his freeloader family are that eager to see him let them pay for themselves or can he not go to them for a few days which would be much
cheaper

christmas is just an excuse- you are paying for these wasters to have a free holiday!!!

is this going to happen every year??

for gods sake wake up and open your mouth
tell your "partner" NO WAY THIS IS HAPPENING

Zaph

the gob wrote: »

no offence op but your partner has about as much respect for you as he would for a lump of dog dirt on his shoe

2 weeks!! and you will be eight months pregnant!!- and then he books flights with your money without telling you!- he sounds like a real catch!

if his freeloader family are that eager to see him let them pay for themselves or can he not go to them for a few days which would be much
cheaper

christmas is just an excuse- you are paying for these wasters to have a free holiday!!!

is this going to happen every year??

for gods sake wake up and open your mouth
tell your "partner" NO WAY THIS IS HAPPENING

Thank you for your opinion, but it would be appreciated if in future you toned things down a bit and posted in a less sensationalist, more constructive manner.

the gob

Zaph wrote: »

Thank you for your opinion, but it would be appreciated if in future you toned things down a bit and posted in a less sensationalist, more constructive manner.

sorry. wasnt trying to tbe sensationalist

Miss Fluff

Having guests stay in your house for two weeks is a totally ridiculous demand at the best of times.

I think this has the potential to escalate into a real problem so best you both sit down as soon as possible and reach a compromise on each and every one of these issues that you have outlined so there is no room for any more misunderstanding or upset and you can try and make the visit as pleasant as possible

For example just the two of you spending the 24th with his family and the
25th with yours seems more than reasonable.

up for anything

annoyedgirl wrote: »

hi all, sorry for the rant but need advice... OH mentioned a few times recently about having his parents & brother fly over & stay in our house for 2 weeks of christmas... so didn't really think much of it until he went and booked their flights yesterday (they're not irish).
i am almost 5 months pregnant, due early January, we're together 3 years & only recently moved in together, this will be our first xmas together as he has flown home previous years.
To be fair he only sees his family about twice a year so i can't really argue with that. They are nice i've met them 3 times but the thoughts of having 3 relative strangers under my feet for xmas, i'll be 8 months pregnant and probably expected to run around cooking & cleaning for them for the whole 2 weeks of their stay... i also work full time and will be working over xmas so days off aren't an option for me.
They are catholic but they have their xmas dinner on 24th so i told him we could have dinner with his family 24th and just him and me go to my family on 25th.
But no! he's not happy with this and wants me to invite my (fairly large) family to my house on 24th and then have his family spend all of xmas day at my parents house!
i really don't think it's fair as the parents have only met once, there is a language barrier as his parents don't speak english and it's a lot to ask my mother to make dinner for even more people...
He's extremely sensitive to the fact that i have my family around all the time while he never gets to see his. (which i can understand)..
But i really don't think any of my family would be comfortable having 3 strangers in the house for xmas dinner!!
HELP!!!! How do i get this across to OH without insulting him or his family???

Another prob is that i've asked him to book a day off for my birthday a week before his family arrive for xmas to go to galway for the day just 2 of us but he's saying no way as we'll have to clean the house before they arrive... in my eyes, this is my last xmas and birthday i'll have to myself before the baby arrives and i'd like a day out just for the 2 of us but he's refusing saying it's a waste of a day off and we'll have too much cleaning to do before family arrive ....

again HELP!!!

I'm amazed by a number of points in your post.

First of all you obviously didn't put forward any huge objections to him having his family over the few times he mentioned it so he probably didn't think it was a huge deal.

Then you say that you will probably be expected to run around doing for them. What do you base this on? If he and his family expect you do to this especially considering you will be 8 months pregnant and working full time then it's time to rethink your relationship.

I am frankly gobsmacked by the idea that you think it is ok to go off to your parents on Christmas Day and leave his family on their own and surely if you have your family around to your's on Christmas Eve they will all pull their weight and bring stuff and let you rest while they do the cooking etc.

As for your family not being comfortable with having three strangers in the house on Christmas Day, where is the bloody Christmas spirit!! Away to the stable with them. Also they will be your baby's grandparents and uncle. Do you want to keep them at arm's length always?

It sounds to me like he wants his family, whom he obviously misses a lot, to get a flavour of his life in Ireland and be whole-heartedly welcomed by his second (extended) family.

Having spent years in London, I know that I really appreciate family Christmases but family Christmas to us always encompassed strangers who by the time the day was over melded into family. It seems to me that he comes from a country where family and hospitality is important and it may only be becoming apparent to you now how intrinsic that is in his culture.

The one bitch I would have with him is refusing to take the day off to go to Galway with you. Kick him into touch for that and tell him that he can make up for it with a couple of late night cleaning sessions. I can't imagine that a house with no children is in need of a huge amount of cleaning and organising.

I hope that whatever happens that you do enjoy your Christmas and that his family becomes your family too. You may be glad of the extra support when your child is born.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I've been there too - and I was on crutches due to a pregnancy related condition that made walking agony. I don't think being aware that being heavily pregnant can bring it's own issues & making allowances accordingly is necessarily a bad thing. Be prepared and all that.

Sorry to hear that. I know what you mean but the drama related to being pregnant in this country is just painful. Op it's all about you in your post. I canunderstand being annoyed about the day off but in laws coming to stay are part of the package when you marry a foreigner. Xmas is the most expensive time to fly and maybe that's why they are staying so long. My point was, you are lucky to have a nice husband, home and family and baby on the way. You are not on your death bed and being asked to provide the feast of Cana. You are pregnant and last time I looked it didn't mean you needed to act like a drama queen

reprazant

the gob wrote: »

no offence op but your partner has about as much respect for you as he would for a lump of dog dirt on his shoe

2 weeks!! and you will be eight months pregnant!!- and then he books flights with your money without telling you!- he sounds like a real catch!

if his freeloader family are that eager to see him let them pay for themselves or can he not go to them for a few days which would be much
cheaper

christmas is just an excuse- you are paying for these wasters to have a free holiday!!!

is this going to happen every year??

for gods sake wake up and open your mouth
tell your "partner" NO WAY THIS IS HAPPENING

Wow. His parents coming over to visit is being considered as freeloaders who are only there to milk the two of them for a free holiday?

Tbh, if this is how you would view your family, I would say that you have issues with them.

D rog

Ot sick just pregnant wrote: »

Sorry to hear that. I know what you mean but the drama related to being pregnant in this country is just painful. Op it's all about you in your post. I canunderstand being annoyed about the day off but in laws coming to stay are part of the package when you marry a foreigner. Xmas is the most expensive time to fly and maybe that's why they are staying so long. My point was, you are lucky to have a nice husband, home and family and baby on the way. You are not on your death bed and being asked to provide the feast of Cana. You are pregnant and last time I looked it didn't mean you needed to act like a drama queen

Ah that's a bit harsh.
Some people have great pregnancies and love being pregnant and can get on with it. Some people are crap at being pregnant (I was there!).
If you're of the latter and feeling progressively miserable and in pain, it's not being a drama queen and something to be made little of.
If you've had great pregnancies that's lovely for you

metrovelvet

I dont think he is going to expect you to cook and cater to his family when you are eight months pregnant.

1. You married an immigrant. You knew this kind of thing was on the cards. And it should be.

2. These people are your family now too. Treat them as such. Thats what the wedding band thingy means.

3. I think its horrendous that you are going to leave these people, who are your family alone on Christmas day in a foreign country after they have gone to the trouble and expense of travelling to see their son whom they dont get to see very often.

LegacyUser

annoyedgirl wrote: »

But i really don't think any of my family would be comfortable having 3 strangers in the house for xmas dinner!!
HELP!!!! How do i get this across to OH without insulting him or his family???
....

But they aren't strangers, they're the grandparents of your child and your partners parents, that makes them your family as well. Are your own family a bit antisocial or something? It would be completely rude to leave your partners parents on their own on Christmas day, when nothing in the country is open & they have nowhere to go & nothing to do, and go home to your own family. That bit seems completely selfish of you. You definitely shouldn't be running around when you're 8 months pregnant cooking for & cleaning up after people but it seems like you're the only person who expects that of you? Talk to your partner, let him know you won't be able to be the hostess-with-the-mostess over 2 whole weeks and that you will be needing him to do the vast majority of any work that comes up

D rog

Could you suggest to your parents that you, and they all have christmas dinner in your house? Make it into a communal christmas since this is how things have turned out?

That way you have lots of people around to muck in and help, your parents don't have to host your inlaws exclusively, and you get your first christmas in your own home. Everyone happy?

Mighty_Mouse

OH mentioned a few times recently about having his parents & brother fly over & stay in our house for 2 weeks of christmas.....he only sees his family about twice a year.....They are nice.

Whats the problem?
Nobody would expect a heavily pregnant woman to cook & clean for them. I'd imagine his parents will most likely arrange everything on the 24th.
You can't leave his parents on their own on the 25th while you head off to your parents. If the burden is too big on them, have another dinner in yours on the 25th. Let everybody pitch in.
It's christmas for christ sake. Why wouldn't your parents want to get to know the father of your child's family background anyways?

If you ask me you are creating an unnecessary situation. Over-complicating things, throwing up fences & will probably ruin christmas/new born for your husband. Plus you shouldn't be stressing.

Relax. It means more help. The more the merrier & all that jazz.

Another prob is that i've asked him to book a day off for my birthday a week before his family arrive for xmas to go to galway for the day just 2 of us

Now he's being an idiot. He's nervous about his parents seeing the life he has created for himself in Ireland. Clean the house the week before.

Distorted

I think its a bit much OP. His family could have arranged to stay in a hotel and treat all of you to a Christmas meal somewhere. Have they invited themselves or has your husband invited them? (it doesn't sound as if you have). I don't see why you should change your Christmas plans, particularly being 8 months pregnant. Is it possible, that coming from overseas, they are not used to women from where they come from doing anything more than cooking, cleaning and running around after men? You mentioned you were still going to be working full time at Christmas. IMHO thats all way too much on your plate.

Two weeks is a long visit too and I wonder why they aren't waiting until the baby is born to visit. Because if its difficult/expensive for them to visit, and they do so just before the baby is born, its going to be a while before they actually see their grandson.

I'd be tempted to arrange a Christmas meal in a hotel or restaurant for them and make them all pay their share. Might be slightly inhospitable, but they'd still be getting their Christmas with the family. The other thing to do would be for your family to invite them to theirs, but this might not be possible, depending on the size of their house. Otherwise, feign illness, escape to your parents, leave your husband to do all the catering, avoid all arguements and return just in time for dinner to be presented on the table!

curlzy

I don't think you are being selfish at all. In fact I think your OH is being outragously selfish, he's planned Christmas around his family and what he wants and has decided that you can't go to Galway for your birthday because you need to stay home and clean in preparation for a visit from his family that you didn't want!!! Firstly, go to Galway, go with a galpal, do NOT stay at home cleaning on your birthday while 8 months pregnant with his child, is he from Yemen or Afganistan coz it sounds like an anoutrageously sexist viewpoint for him to have. I'm going to assume he's not though as he celebrates Christmas, hmmm Greece or Italy maybe where men expect to by mammied by their OH, sorry went on a tangent there. Anyway, I think your OH is being a bit of an inconsiderate sh*t to be honest. I've been around several girls in the last couple of months pregnancy and regardless of the poster above who says it's effortless :rolleyes: it really isn't, it's tiring and emotional and downright uncomfortable. You really don't need to be landed with 3 strangers (I know they're family not strangers but they don't speak your language so how could they not be stangers?) at a time like that. And I agree this will be your last birthday and christmas where you're not up to your tonsils in nappies and soforth. All in all, no you're not selfish, your OH is though and he needs a good talking to. If it was me I'd be insisting that they stay in a hotel and visit in the evenings IF you're up to it, he can go and visit them if he wants, they can come over on the 24/12/10 and you'll ASK your family if they don't mind his family joining them on the 25/12/10, after all it's up to them not you. You're pregnant, this is a time when you should be looked after, certainly not a time when you should be running around looking after other people. Have a good talk with him, I'd say he'll cop on unless he really is as inconsiderate and selfish as he sounds.

the gob

reprazant wrote: »

Wow. His parents coming over to visit is being considered as freeloaders who are only there to milk the two of them for a free holiday?

Tbh, if this is how you would view your family, I would say that you have issues with them.

two days and they pay for their own flights is a visit

two weeeks of free accomodation and meals and your three return flights
payed for is freeloading

maybe its a cultural difference

eyeball kid

the gob wrote: »

two days and they pay for their own flights is a visit

two weeeks of free accomodation and meals and your three return flights
payed for is freeloading

maybe its a cultural difference

Who said anything about the OP paying for the in-laws' flights? She mentioned that her husband only booked the tickets, didn't say that he bought them.

And who charges family for staying with them??

LegacyUser

eyeball kid wrote: »

Who said anything about the OP paying for the in-laws' flights? She mentioned that her husband only booked the tickets, didn't say that he bought them.

And who charges family for staying with them??

My landlord does actually. If family wants to stay over, I have to pay 12.5 a night to compensate for the extra water, gas and electricity being used( I **** you not)

Although this is absolutely ridiculous, I do agree with the fact that if her inlaws are staying for two weeks, they should at least contribute for the expenses of the extra food. They would have to pay there meals on any other holiday, this one should be no expection...

LegacyUser

Well...... wrote: »

they should at least contribute for the expenses of the extra food. They would have to pay there meals on any other holiday, this one should be no expection...

Oh my God... They are her husbands parents who reared him.. Why would you ask family for money for food. They dont land on her door every second weekend, its a once off and I am so so so shocked by this suggestion... They are not going to Disney Land, they are going to spend Xmas with their son... This is truly shocking.

StillWaters

I too am shocked by this thread, that your partner's family be viewed as a burden when they visit once in a blue moon, whereas yours are in your pocket all the time.

That people think they should stay in a hotel, pay money for their stay etc. That you describe them as 'strangers', that you believe your own family so inhospitable that they wouldn't welcome your partner's 3 closest relatives for Christmas dinner.

Just unbelievably shocking.

Memnoch

I agree with the above poster. I'm geniunely saddened and sickened by the shocking double standard at play here and the attitude towards the OP's other half and his family.

OP, put yourself in his shoes, you are being incredibly selfish.

No one is asking you to do any work while you are eight months pregnant. Please have some consideration for your other half and show his family some respect.

The kind of stuff that's been said in this thread, really makes my blood boil and just shows you how much the value and meaning of family has been lost in this country for some people.

jimmycrackcorm

StillWaters wrote: »

I too am shocked by this thread, that your partner's family be viewed as a burden when they visit once in a blue moon, whereas yours are in your pocket all the time.

That people think they should stay in a hotel, pay money for their stay etc. That you describe them as 'strangers', that you believe your own family so inhospitable that they wouldn't welcome your partner's 3 closest relatives for Christmas dinner.

Just unbelievably shocking.

Yeah - I had a great laugh at curlzys post.

Like all things in relationships, there needs to be balance, consideration and compromise give on both sides.

i am almost 5 months pregnant, due early January, we're together 3 years & only recently moved in together, this will be our first xmas together as he has flown home previous years.
To be fair he only sees his family about twice a year so i can't really argue with that. They are nice i've met them 3 times but the thoughts of having 3 relative strangers under my feet for xmas, i'll be 8 months pregnant and probably expected to run around cooking & cleaning for them for the whole 2 weeks of their stay... i also work full time and will be working over xmas so days off aren't an option for me.

By moving in together it's not just a home you are sharing but also family. another viewpoint might be that he is giving up travelling to his home and instead his family are coming over to partake in your newly shared life - including new baba. Have you considered that his family might have made the effort to give up their own traditional christmas becasue they want to have you more part of the family; esp[ecially as you'll most likely never spend xmas in your partners country.

At 8 months pregnant you should not be expected to be cooking and cleaning up and I doubt that anyone actually thinks you will. We're not in the 1800's now and you only wrote this bit for empathy. Make sure he knows he will be doing all the cooking, cleaning and entertaining.

They are catholic but they have their xmas dinner on 24th so i told him we could have dinner with his family 24th and just him and me go to my family on 25th.
But no! he's not happy with this and wants me to invite my (fairly large) family to my house on 24th and then have his family spend all of xmas day at my parents house!
i really don't think it's fair as the parents have only met once, there is a language barrier as his parents don't speak english and it's a lot to ask my
mother to make dinner for even more people...

You're actually right - it is not fair to impose his family on your parents - but what do they actually think? It is difficult because of the cultural differences but not impossible.

He's extremely sensitive to the fact that i have my family around all the time while he never gets to see his. (which i can understand)..
But i really don't think any of my family would be comfortable having 3 strangers in the house for xmas dinner!!
HELP!!!! How do i get this across to OH without insulting him or his family???

But you can make a compromise in just having a brief visit to your own parents on the 25th. Have dinner at your own house.

Another prob is that i've asked him to book a day off for my birthday a week before his family arrive for xmas to go to galway for the day just 2 of us but he's saying no way as we'll have to clean the house before they arrive... in my eyes, this is my last xmas and birthday i'll have to myself before the baby arrives and i'd like a day out just for the 2 of us but he's refusing saying it's a waste of a day off and we'll have too much cleaning to do before family arrive ....

Remind him that you are undertaking all the burden of carrying your child for nine months so he can deal with any cleaning required. Unless he wants to swap roles.

Also have you actually communicated to him that this is the last opportunity for the guts of 18 years or so for you to have some together time. Keep reinforcing that point until it strikes a chord.

I'm going to assume you are a typically Irish girl so here's some advice from someone married ten years who has spent the last nine Christmases with my wifes family.... Lose this battle deliberately, because you are going to win the war anyway.

Do take into account that he is spending his life with you and basically giving up his family most of the year.

LegacyUser

hi all, thanks for the very mixed responses, i'm taking everything on board here.
there's a little more to the story than the original which might make things a little clearer... first off i lost a baby last year at 3 1/2 months so i'm trying to be extra cautious this time.
secondly, i love my OH to pieces and i do realise that he's had to sacrifice seeing his family as he's living here but the thing is, he is a complete and utter neat freak.
he'd never let me lift anything heavy but that's where it stops. In his eyes, he works very long hours and there is no such thing as sitting down watching TV unless the house is absolutely spotless, and as i finish work a few hours before him, this is my part. but he's obsessive about it.
We've had numerous fights about this, for instance if i had missed a spot while washing the floor he'll make a big song and dance about going back over washing the spot and saying i don't do anything properly.
The thing is, he seems to get this caveman streak from his dad... his dad is nice but far worse than him. which is why i don't think it'll be a very relaxing xmas.
I have talked to him about it, and stressed to him that i won't be cooking and cleaning etc. which he says he's fine about.
Don't get me wrong, he is brilliant to me in every other way and does more than his share...he has mellowed out a little bit since we moved in together, he used to be far worse.
I just feel that for the entire 2 weeks i'm going to be watched like a hawk and won't be able to do anything without answering 40 questions first.
Also, i have found out he's booked them a one-way ticket which he lied to me about, i saw the flight confirmation yesterday and confronted him, he said he's waiting for the prices to go down.
I'm just wondering if it's a sneaky way of them wanting to stay until the baby is born in January, OH says it's not as i've stressed to him 100 times that i need the first month on my own when baby is born...

Emme

OPOPHere wrote: »

hi all, thanks for the very mixed responses, i'm taking everything on board here.
there's a little more to the story than the original which might make things a little clearer... first off i lost a baby last year at 3 1/2 months so i'm trying to be extra cautious this time.
secondly, i love my OH to pieces and i do realise that he's had to sacrifice seeing his family as he's living here but the thing is, he is a complete and utter neat freak.
he'd never let me lift anything heavy but that's where it stops. In his eyes, he works very long hours and there is no such thing as sitting down watching TV unless the house is absolutely spotless, and as i finish work a few hours before him, this is my part. but he's obsessive about it.
We've had numerous fights about this, for instance if i had missed a spot while washing the floor he'll make a big song and dance about going back over washing the spot and saying i don't do anything properly.
The thing is, he seems to get this caveman streak from his dad... his dad is nice but far worse than him. which is why i don't think it'll be a very relaxing xmas.
I have talked to him about it, and stressed to him that i won't be cooking and cleaning etc. which he says he's fine about.
Don't get me wrong, he is brilliant to me in every other way and does more than his share...he has mellowed out a little bit since we moved in together, he used to be far worse.
I just feel that for the entire 2 weeks i'm going to be watched like a hawk and won't be able to do anything without answering 40 questions first.
Also, i have found out he's booked them a one-way ticket which he lied to me about, i saw the flight confirmation yesterday and confronted him, he said he's waiting for the prices to go down.
I'm just wondering if it's a sneaky way of them wanting to stay until the baby is born in January, OH says it's not as i've stressed to him 100 times that i need the first month on my own when baby is born...

Is he German?:D Only joking, but I was with a German for a few years and he was such a control freak. I spend Christmas with his family one year and it was manic - we'd spend half an hour with one set of rellies, then on to the next for an hour, then on to another lot for half an hour...all timed to the minute in his personal organiser.

It sounds to me like your OH plans for his family to be around when you have the baby regardless of what he says. It also seems like he makes plans to suit himself and doesn't tell you everything until it's too late. What a person does is more telling than they they say.

It's nice for your oh's family to be around at Christmas, but two weeks is a long time unless they're going to muck in and help out themselves which would be only fair if you're working full time up until the end of your pregnancy. They might turn out to be very helpful, might they be able to cook Christmas dinner in your house according to their tradition, you put your feet up, and then you can show them an Irish Christmas in your parents house. Is there any way you can work this to your advantage?

BettePorter

I'm with the OP on this one. To all the posters who chastised her for not welcoming his family to her parents house etc; we're irish ! not americans on thanksgiving !! Personally i know where she's coming from in the sense that to me and my family, xmas is about spending it with your nearest and dearest. i would hate to have to have strangers in my house on such a day. and regardless of her OH being there, at least they know him........but his parents ARE strangers ! Maybe her da's the type who likes to spend the afternoon snoring on the couch with his hand down his jocks ala ed bundy !

But i don't understand why the OP wouldn't have been more vocal about her disapproval of his plans. When he intitially mentioned the idea......THAT was the time to speak up and say ' now hang on here a min, i'm 8 months preg, no way am i entertaining for my last month.
Regardless of it being xmas, its a selfish thing to put on you without further consultation especially since he does seem to be a bit of an neanderthal in terms of the female/ male chore roles.
Given that he is so neat and probably pedantic about everything, i would pretty much bet on your hunch that he intends for them to stay up to and after the baby is born. and i would say they are well aware of this........i -mean if i were they, i would want to see my actual grandchild rather than a bump ! This is so not on ! I feel for you OP. I suggest you put your foot down, throw a massive wobbler and blame the hormones afterwards ! This is going to be the most wonderful time of your life................you have every right to dictate how you would prefer it to transpire !

tinkerbell

Holy crap OP, this story is nuts. I would be furious if I were you. Getting in-laws to stay in your house for two whole weeks without even consulting you first and second of all, you are EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT by then!!!!!!!! I mean the last thing you want to do when you are eight months pregnant is spending 2 weeks running around after people in your own home, regardless of whether your OH will help out or not. You will have no space, no privacy, nothing for 2 weeks. And I can imagine that at the end of a pregnancy, all you want to do is put your feet up, relax and just do your own thing. Not have to worry about what OH's parents want to do for the evening.

And I would also be furious that he booked a one-way ticket. Where are they from? If it is long-haul, then one-way tickets usually are the price of a return ticket. A one-way ticket shows that he does not want them to go back after the two weeks. You could be stuck with them when the baby is born, which you said you don't want.

It is time for you to have a serious discussion. I'm sorry but regardless of the fact that they are his parents, YOU and YOUR BABY are to come first now, not them.

And if they still want to visit for two weeks, well tell them to go rent a house or stay in a hotel. Two weeks is too much when you are 8 months pregnant, and it is highly rude to expect to stay in someone's house at a time like that.

Oh and one last thing - if your OH is that much of a freak about cleaning, well just don't do the cleaning anymore - let him do it. I would not clean my house if my OH was criticising if I had missed a spot, I would let him do it instead.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Had a great laugh at Jimmycrackscorn's post, oh no wait I didn't, because I'm not that snide and I respect other people's opinions.

Anyway OP, having read your update, some of it doesn't make sense; you say he's great but then go on to say the cleaning is your job and he throws a wobbler and lectures you if it's not done to his high standards, to be honest alot of your post is giving me the creeps. Like the fact they're on a one way ticket coz he wants to wait until the prices go down, are you actually falling for that? Flight prices go up, not down closer to departure dates. Anyway, regardless of the fact that I really do think your OH sounds like a controlling bully (and forgive me if he's not but he certainly comes accross that way in your posts) but what I would do is say simply that you're getting stressed way too much over this and having had a miscarraige already, that you will be moving back in with your parents for the 2 weeks, so you can be looked after properly. You don't have to fight about it, just plainly say that you're not risking your baby or yourself by putting yourself under this pressure. You can visit and hang out with them every day, it doesn't need to be a big argument. Either way try not to stress too much, I'm sure it'll all be grand in the end.

Best of luck.

BettePorter

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

Had a great laugh at Jimmycrackscorn's post, oh no wait I didn't, because I'm not that snide and I respect other people's opinions.

Anyway OP, having read your update, some of it doesn't make sense; you say he's great but then go on to say the cleaning is your job and he throws a wobbler and lectures you if it's not done to his high standards, to be honest alot of your post is giving me the creeps. Like the fact they're on a one way ticket coz he wants to wait until the prices go down, are you actually falling for that? Flight prices go up, not down closer to departure dates. Anyway, regardless of the fact that I really do think your OH sounds like a controlling bully (and forgive me if he's not but he certainly comes accross that way in your posts) but what I would do is say simply that you're getting stressed way too much over this and having had a miscarraige already, that you will be moving back in with your parents for the 2 weeks, so you can be looked after properly. You don't have to fight about it, just plainly say that you're not risking your baby or yourself by putting yourself under this pressure. You can visit and hang out with them every day, it doesn't need to be a big argument. Either way try not to stress too much, I'm sure it'll all be grand in the end.

Best of luck.

Actually OP the above option is a great idea. While i'm sure its not ideal, (you'd prob want to be with your oh) it is a compromise, which is more than he's given you. He can have his ma clean up after him for a while ! at the end of the day, you are pregnant so you and your happiness and well being should be foremost in his mind ! Come an go as you please, and be be under no pressure to entertain.

Memnoch

I continue to be astounded by some of the advice you are being given OP, and I urge you to think very carefully before making any rash decisions.

If you can, try and put the drama to one side and look at this situation objectively and rationally. For me, it is about empathy.

Firstly the cleaning. It's one thing that you've split up your housework as such and that's between ye. However, you should clean to a decent standard that YOU are happy with. And if he is unhappy with it then let him do it how HE wants. That sort of nonsense isn't on and you should put a stop to it straight away. However, this is a separate problem and you should not let it get mixed up with the key issue of the family visit.

I understand that you are getting stressed out and dwelling on this and this is mushrooming into an uncomfortable situation and that's not good, but I feel what's needed here is a bit of perspective.

Put yourself in his shoes. What if it was you that had been away from your family for so long and they were coming to visit after a long time, something you were looking forward to at a time of joy and togetherness and HE was the one taking issue (for whatever reason). Would that make you feel that he loved you at all or cared about your feelings? What if it was your family that were being called free-loaders and unwanted strangers?

As far as "looking" after them is concerned, I don't think you need to worry about that. Your OH isn't going to ask or expect you to do anything and neither will his family as I'm sure they understand what an important time this is for both of ye. And that's something you CAN take a firm stand about without feeling guilty. But I think you will be surprised when the time comes and then you will look back at this time and wonder what all the fuss was about.

I think that the reason you are having trouble empathising with your OH's situation is because it's not something you've had to experience. You aren't in another country, your family are near and there to support you whenever you want.

There might also be cultural differences at play here. In many cultures parents and elders are respected deeply, even revered. Without knowing the specifics, is it possible that your OH's parent's sacrificed greatly so that he could come here and make this life for himself? And that he holds them in high esteem and regard.

You say they might stay for the delivery. Is that really such a bad thing? In many cultures this kind of family support is what helps people through difficult times, and perhaps they don't realise that that is no longer the custom in modern Irish culture.

But imagine things from their point of view. Coming to see their son after so long and his partner with a momentous and joyous occasion around the corner, the birth of their grandchild. They probably want to help and provide support and look after you more than anything. Just imagine then what a slap in the face it would be for them if you told them to not come or get a hotel or left yourself. It would be horribly insensitive and disrespectful.

At the end of the day you are going to end up causing a lot of hurt to your OH AND his family, as well as possibly damage your relationship with him. Now, if he was expecting you to cook and clean and look after them, I would be the first to stand up and say that that is not on. But considering that he hasn't asked you for anything so far (and he won't, and neither will they), is it really worth the heartache to cause an issue over this?

Distorted

OP I'm not sure I agree at all with the posters who say you should be sitting there, counting your blessings, to be pregnant, with an OH, and you should bite back your own feelings and thoughts like some kind of sacrificial lamb so your OH doesn't get annoyed. Not everyone wants to spend endless amounts of time with their families! I'd be really uncomfortable with any one of the following in a relationship:

- your OH's refusal to do something special with you on your birthday
- the length of his parents' stay
- the fact they have not booked return tickets (this is wierd - do his parents have no life that they need to return to by a certain date, and why were you not consulted on this?)
- the fact they didn't book their own tickets, which indicates your OH paid for them, and the fact that they don't exactly sound like self starters in the booking of tickets home stakes
- the fact you are both working full time but the cleaning duties seem to rest on you
- your OH's controlling and obsessive attitude towards cleaning

2 weeks is a long stay in someone else's house, even when you know them well. At 8 months pregnant this is exacerbated. Your OH and his parents are either being tactless or selfish. I really hope you don't get stuck with them living under your roof for months on end.

D rog

I also think those who are saying to put up and shut up (nicely) are a bit off the mark. She's supposed to respect everyone else's feelings and no-one hers?

Anyway, 2 weeks might have been do-able. But a trip with no end date staying in your home with a baby due. Sorry I don't think that's on. And no matter how much some are saying, ah it'll be great loads of support and no one will expect you to do anything- well she's entitled to some quiet time and privacy with her new little family.

OP, It would probably be useful if you could tell us whether there will be a cultural divide where you will be expected to cook, clean and generally look after others?
Also, have you approached him about booking return flights, and if not then researching accomodation for them for when you come home from the hospital? Having strangers (to you) in your home for weeks whilst you try to maybe breastfeed, deal with a section, get a routine going or not, just the basics would be too much for me.

LegacyUser

hi all, OP Here again... thanks for the answers, to Bette...this is exactly what i mean about xmas, my family are completely irish bordering on old-fashioned.. my Dad likes nothing better than a hot brandy and a snooze on his chair after mass and dinner. He's still coming round to the fact that i'm pregnant as well - i'm the first in the family and the only girl.. he got a big shock when i told him.
i just feel like my OH is pushing me too far... he did mention to me about his parents coming over but i never dreamed he'd go ahead and book the tickets without actually sitting down talking to me properly about it first.... but because he doesn't get to see his family much, and it is xmas i feel guilty as well.
And don't get me wrong, i'm all for the baby getting to know both sides of the family and learning both languages in time to come... i do want his family to be a part of the babies life.
but i need to put my foot down when it comes to the baby's birth and the fact they only have a one-way ticket booked. there is no way i'm coming home from hospital with a new born and having people under my feet when i'm trying to learn things myself and get a routine going.
i really have to talk to him more about it without making him all defensive!!

astra2000

Hi op I really believe you have quiet a few issues to sort out here with your other half. He books tickets without telling you first says they are for two weeks then it turns out they are one way it sounds like he is forcing his will on to you. You need to figure out why he is doing this is it because he believes that you would never have agreed to them coming? Or because he wants his own way without compromise? I do think that he should be able to have his family over frequently and they should be made welcome but you should not have to wait on them hand and foot. When you say that you want to have a month to yourself after the baby is born do you meanthat his family will have no choice but to wait a month to see their grandchild? I appreciate it would be hard having family staying with a newborn but I would urge you to treat them the same as you would your own family and not have one rule for your clan and a different one for his regardless of circumstances.
Regarding the christmas day dilemma I understand when you say your family might not be comfortable having them over but would they be comfortable with you leaving them on their own in your home on christmas day? I know you say they are strangers and there is a language barrier but they will have a grandchild in common and will probably be seeing plenty of each other over the coming years so they will have to start getting aquainted at some point.
I may be way off the mark but from what I have read it sounds like your partner can be domineering, its not good that he has a certain standard for your home but demands that you are the one who does the cleaning, you can defend it by saying you are home earlier but really if he is demanding excessive standards and then throwing a hissy fit when they are not met he is been a bully. He is been very unfair regarding your birthday it sounds like he is taking you for granted he probably doesnt mean to do so and is understandably wanting to make his familys stay a good one but it doesnt have to be at the cost of your happiness. Try not to stress about this you should be looking farward to the birth of your baby I know this is difficult given the fact that you suffered a miscarriage but stressing is not good. Just because certain members of your inlaws may have too many expectations from you does not mean you have to do them I am sure you will do your best to make them welcome but know your limitations and dont feel bad if they it doesnt go down well, the important thing is to be welcoming and kind. Best of luck resolving this.

PS best of luck to your partners neat freakness when baby comes along:)

strandroad

OP you seem to express quite a lot of resentment towards your OH's family. Surely they are not strangers, they are your baby's grandparents and your family as well. If you try to view the situation from this angle you'll see that your initial post makes little sense and is very hostile towards this particular branch of your family. Surely you're not going to bar your own parents from seeing the baby for a month because "the first month needs to be your own"? And yet you'd be perfectly happy to do it to the other set of grandparents. You just don't see them as equal.

Sure you need to negotiate - two weeks is quite long for a visit even though it does look like they want to make up for the time they haven't seen their son, plus to get to know you and give you both their support. That you do not want this support or to get to know them is another story but perhaps your OH did not expect it from you and believes you'll be delighted to get closer to his side of your family seeing how you did not object to their visit when you had a chance. You haven't been asked to serve anyone hand and foot and no half-decent family members would expect it from you so there is no point in getting upset over this. Just hammer the message home - it's his role to prepare the house, being heavily pregnant you have the privilege of choosing what you're comfortable doing.

Why don't you invite your parents to the 24th dinner? Everyone will get to know everyone this way and your parents will not be deprived of their traditional Christmas. If you spend this time together it won't be as rude to leave them on their own and pay a visit to your parents on 25th. His side seems to be more open minded anyway - you don't want them, your parents don't like strangers, they are not comfortable with your pregnancy etc etc.

And flight tickets actually do come down at times.

curlzy

mhge wrote: »

OP you seem to express quite a lot of resentment towards your OH's family. Surely they are not strangers, they are your baby's grandparents and your family as well. If you try to view the situation from this angle you'll see that your initial post makes little sense and is very hostile towards this particular branch of your family. Surely you're not going to bar your own parents from seeing the baby for a month because "the first month needs to be your own"? And yet you'd be perfectly happy to do it to the other set of grandparents. You just don't see them as equal.

Why is everyone putting words in the OP's mouth? She didn't say she was banning anyone from seeing the baby, she just doesn't want strangers living with her while she's getting her life/routine in order with a newborn. The OP doesn't need arguments, she needs support here!!!!

And for god's sake if they don't speak the same language then they ARE strangers!!! Yeah they're relatives but they're still strangers.

I think people are assuming that the inlaws will behave in the Irish manner, which would entail the oldest female looking after everyone and pampering the pregnant OP, surely ye realise that a hell of alot of cultures don't work the way we do?

strandroad

curlzy wrote: »

And for god's sake if they don't speak the same language then they ARE strangers!!! Yeah they're relatives but they're still strangers.

No they are family no matter what language they speak, she'll be having their son's baby. She is making them strangers of her own volition. Sure some aspects of the visit might be uncomfortable for her and should be discussed/adjusted, but she is displaying a very clear resentment towards them regardless of the visit. And to make it worse, she's very passive-aggressive about it, objecting to the visit but not communicating it to her OH, expecting him to mind read and hurting when he doesn't as he's looking forward to reuniting with his family.

curlzy wrote: »

I think people are assuming that the inlaws will behave in the Irish manner, which would entail the oldest female looking after everyone and pampering the pregnant OP, surely ye realise that a hell of alot of cultures don't work the way we do?

Judging by their 24th dinner thing they might be Polish, in which case she might expect all this and more. It looks like his side of the family wants to gather, give support and celebrate the baby's arrival. Also to meet and get to know the other side of the family they will now be connected to. Normally you do this at weddings, but since the OP and her OH are not married there was no opportunity. It all sounds very natural to me, provided that there is no additional workload for OP. But it's clear that herself and her parents are not interested in participating.

LegacyUser

mhge wrote: »

OP you seem to express quite a lot of resentment towards your OH's family. Surely they are not strangers, they are your baby's grandparents and your family as well. If you try to view the situation from this angle you'll see that your initial post makes little sense and is very hostile towards this particular branch of your family. Surely you're not going to bar your own parents from seeing the baby for a month because "the first month needs to be your own"? And yet you'd be perfectly happy to do it to the other set of grandparents. You just don't see them as equal.

I don't have any resentment towards his parents at all, they have every right in the world to be part of their grandchilds life.. I'm in the process of learning OH's language at the moment, because i want to communicate with his family and i want my baby to be able to understand both as well but i'm nowhere near able to have a conversation yet.
What i mean by wanting to have the first month to myself is exactly that... i don't mind my parents or his parents just visiting and seeing their grandchild...but they wouldn't be just visiting, they would be living with us for the duration of their stay.

It's this i wouldn't feel comfortable with, bringing a new baby home and i want us to learn as much as possible by ourselves how to take care of the baby and i don't think i'll be able to do that if i had my parents OR his parents around me constantly.

I need to learn it for myself and make my own routine.. so does my OH.
thing is my OH will only get a couple of days paternity leave and will have to go back to work which leaves me without a translator!

i guess it's just a package deal tho... and i do feel guilty about how i'm coming across and how much family means to my OH. i guess it's just the timing that maddens me and the fact that he didn't feel the need to ask me before booking.

paperclip2

I've read all of the thread and I don't think you are being unreasonable. I know pregnancy is not a disease but the last couple of weeks are precious as really, its the only time you will have to yourself for at least 2 years I would be 'perturbed' to put it mildly if my OH shipped my own parents in for an open ended visit, never mind my in-laws, much and all as I love them.

As it looks like a fait accompli and your OH's family will be there for Christmas at least maybe grin and bear it up to a point. Hopefully you might even enjoy having them around and get to know them better. But I would figure out my exit strategies well in advance for those times that you really need to get away or to have your own space. You don't need to be nasty just say you're wrecked and will be heading over to your parents off and on. At least it will give your OH time to catch-up with his family without them feeling bad about not including you in the conversation So you are actually doing nice thing by going.

But there is one thing I would clear up with your OH sooner rather than later. And thats just how long his family will be there. It may be easier to deal with the visit if you have a definite end-point. However if he is planning on having them around till after the baby is born then thats not fair without a full discussion up front. Also if your OH is back to work shortly after Christmas then whats the point of his family staying so long? He wont be there and with you working over Christmas as well as, (understandably), not being in the form for extended bouts of hospitality it does look like they will be on their own for quite a chunk of the time.

If they are staying on I know some people will say 'Oh lucky you, all that help you will be getting'. Yes, but when said help does go then you are left with trying to re-establish a new routine with baby on your own. Also if you are aiming to breastfeed, for example, there might be days when you want to wander around topless, (cracked nipples, say no more) or not get dressed or cry into your cornflakes or sleep for two hours on the couch, or not think beyond the next feed. Having an audience may not be the best thing in these circumstances, all frivolity aside, it might not do your relationship with his parents any good in the long run.

Good luck with it OP, hope it all works out.

strandroad

OPAgAin wrote: »

It's this i wouldn't feel comfortable with, bringing a new baby home and i want us to learn as much as possible by ourselves how to take care of the baby and i don't think i'll be able to do that if i had my parents OR his parents around me constantly.

So is your issue with them staying for January only, as it's not what you wrote initially?

Do you know for sure that they will stay for January or is it another thing you think will be happening? Why don't you simply ask your OH and tell him oh by the way please make sure we have after Christmas for ourselves and the baby? Why don't you ask him how he plans to sort out the preparations as you can't be involved in physical work and whether you can count on his family taking care of themselves as you won't be able to help them much?

tinkerbell

OP, you seriously need to have a chat with your OH and tell him how it is. He cannot force his parents on you for the first month of your baby's life. That is NOT FAIR. It is not fair on you to have to deal with his parents AND a newborn.

Memnoch

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, you seriously need to have a chat with your OH and tell him how it is. He cannot force his parents on you for the first month of your baby's life. That is NOT FAIR. It is not fair on you to have to deal with his parents AND a newborn.

The repeated and continued implication that the OH's family who haven't seen their son in 3 years are some kind of burden is a large part of the problem the the attitude of the posters who keep saying how "horrible it is," and with of the Op's herself.

It's a sad double standard and it's treating them like less than family and like second class citizens. When all they probably want to do is offer their love and support.

I am a friend

OpHeRe wrote: »

this is exactly what i mean about xmas, my family are completely irish bordering on old-fashioned.. my Dad likes nothing better than a hot brandy and a snooze on his chair after mass and dinner.

OpHeRe wrote: »

He's still coming round to the fact that i'm pregnant as well - i'm the first in the family and the only girl.. he got a big shock when i told him.

Is it just me or are you coming up with every excuse under the sun not to have them here Im sure your Dad will surprise you. Am sure, like most people, they would be happy to welcome their future grandchild's grandparents to join them to celebrate the biggest family day of the year, rather than leave them alone in your house..... no?

OpHeRe wrote: »

i just feel like my OH is pushing me too far... he did mention to me about his parents coming over but i never dreamed he'd go ahead and book the tickets without actually sitting down talking to me properly about it first.... but because he doesn't get to see his family much, and it is xmas i feel guilty as well.

He is a fiddle player and he is playing you well. He seems super controlling. Its a huge thing to do without reference to the person you live with... On top of that he is making you feel guilty for being annoyed.. He is very clever.

OpHeRe wrote: »

And don't get me wrong, i'm all for the baby getting to know both sides of the family and learning both languages in time to come... i do want his family to be a part of the babies life.

Hmmmmm

OpHeRe wrote: »

but i need to put my foot down when it comes to the baby's birth and the fact they only have a one-way ticket booked. there is no way i'm coming home from hospital with a new born and having people under my feet when i'm trying to learn things myself and get a routine going.

Your partner has a one way ticket booked for them... I agree that they should be gone after Xmas....

OpHeRe wrote: »

i really have to talk to him more about it without making him all defensive!!

Again, he is boxing clever here.. He is acting very selfishly and you are tip-toeing around him... You seriously could move home when they are there. He needs to know he cant control you... Nip it in the bud before you become more dependent on him when the baby comes. Best of luck