On my own forever?

LegacyUser

Im a woman in my late 30s and Im begining to think I'll never meet 'the one'.

I've been in and out of relationships forever - probably twenty years of relationships. The shortest was a year, the longest 3 years. I have also been single for long terms during that time, so it's not like I need a man, or I need a relationship.

So as each relationship has broken up, I've been told by friends 'he just wasn't the one, and when the one comes along, you'll know ...he didn't deserve you... etc etc'

I now believe that's a load of tripe. At the end of each relationship I've done the whole 'he doesn't deserve me, I deserve better and I will find someone who's worthy of my love' self-therapy, to help me readjust to my single life. And it's worked, and along comes another bloke and off I go again, only for it to end in tears each time.

So now I've accepted that there IS something inherently wrong with me. I think all the men I've dated have been right. Yes, I am insecure and there have been pattenrs in all the relationships - some I have driven away, some I have finished with because I was protecting myself from the hurt of them finishing with me.

I have been to counselling for other (family) issues, and relationship stuff has come up...and I've built up my self esteem and now feel much more confident in myself than I did ten years ago. But when it comes to men, I am a complete disaster.

Am I destined to be on my own and be asking for the same advice on boards in my 60s???? How do I fix this ...or can I fix it?

LegacyUser

it might be cold comfort but its different strokes for different folks... you say yourself you're happy being unattached.
It sounds more like you want the 'norm' of a relationship just to fit your idea of the way things should be. Maybe change the impression your mind holds of what is 'right' by doing so consciously?

I wouldn't worry about your age, if you meet the right person then it'll happen.

You were right to talk your issues out with the counselor, it might help in future with another boyfriend, but just live in the here and now and enjoy, the most horrible thing you could do to yourself is be thinking on 'what could have been'. Thats just for when you want to wallow!!

Basically be happy, it could be worse, you could be unhappily married and afraid to break away from the relationship or similar..
Make sure to have a good network behind you of friends and acquaintances from hobbies and work etc and just try to live a full life, and be kind to people...

My two cent :-)

LegacyUser

I have all of that - great friends/family..good job, my own home etc.

But I'm just so sick of always making out that he wasn't 'the one' - when all along I believed he was. Even on here, when someone posts something about breaking up with an ex, the advice is almost always 'he wasn't right for you, you deserve more etc'.
Surely it can't ALL be the ex's fault, every single time?

I just think I really have to change almost everything about myself in order to settle down, or else I WILL be alone forever.

seenitall

unregistered wrote: »

I just think I really have to change almost everything about myself in order to settle down, or else I WILL be alone forever.

Well, yes. That's how it works, in theory. :rolleyes: However, given that it is in actuality impossible to change "almost everything" about oneself, I guess you are stuck with your singledom forever. NOT.

Changing yourself in order to suit an imaginary "right one" is not a good idea. Accepting yourself the way you are and embracing your singledom for now, is. All change has to come about organically, through the process of acceptance of ourselves and others, otherwise it is forced, false and unhealthy change.

When you start being "the right one" to yourself, other potential "right ones" will start springing up left right and centre. (I know it's a cliche, but I think that's for a reason...)

In other words, take your eye off the ball, romantically speaking. It can only be beneficial for you at this stage. Now at least you have the time and the energy to find that Holy Grail of any person, self-esteem and self-love. Haven't you ever heard that Whitney Houston song?

Best wishes.

EDIT: I do realise that you have been to therapy, but it doesn't sound to me like your self-esteem is where it should be yet. Otherwise you wouldn't be thinking in the terms you are at the moment. Just my 2 cents!

Distorted

I'm also single in my thirties and I guess I should be looking to settle down too. What I see from some of my female friends is that they really stick with a guy and work really hard to make him "the one". Now I'm personally of the view that "the one" should come naturally and not have to be worked too hard at, but just observing people, thats what a lot of them seem to do. I even had one particularly honest friend who said that her husband to be wasn't "the one" but that she wasn't getting any younger and she might not find any better! Now thats brutally honest but I suspect its true in quite a few cases!

_Kaiser_

I have a friend about your age OP, and like you, she's been single for most of the last 10-12 years.

She complains that she's never going to meet the right guy, and will she be single forever etc?
In her case though, I think she has unrealistic expectations. She wants her "Mr Right"/"The One" as well, and while I don't for a second think she (or you) should settle for 2nd best I've often told her that she doesn't give guys a chance if they don't fit this ideal.

Plus she's looking to meet this perfect man (not that there is such a thing) in places like pubs, and then wonders why all she gets is creepy older/married guys coming on to her looking for some "fun".

Personally I blame Sex and the City for giving a whole generation of women the mistaken impression that there's a Mr Big for all of them, ready to whisk them away in his limo to a life of pampered perfection :rolleyes:

Maybe look at where you're meeting these men, or what preconceptions or expectations you have at the start. Maybe, like my friend, you're sizing them up as potential "boyfriend/long termer" at the very start rather than taking a more relaxed "see how things go" approach and concentrating on getting to know each other and having some fun together (and I mean general fun - not sex!) first, and then if that leads to more then great!

Mr. Loverman

unregistered wrote: »

I have also been single for long terms during that time, so it's not like I need a man, or I need a relationship.

I am a little puzzled by this comment in the context of your post.

Do you actually want to be in a relationship, or do you feel you should be in a relationship because you're a woman in her thirties?

Also, do you want to have children?

LegacyUser

I mentioned the fact that I had been single during this time, to let you know that I don't jump from one relationship to the next - so I don't grab the next man who comes along just 'to have a man'. I have been single for long periods and while I'm quite happy that way, I don't want to be single for the rest of my life.

I have a child who's the most wonderful kid ever and have no real inclination towards having another.

I just always seem to be making excuses for the end of another relationship - and Im now at the point where I think that it can't all be 'his' fault - I have friends who are very self assured and confident and they constantly tell me 'you deserve better'. But do I?

I'm sure the exs are thinking the same about me, so who's right and who's wrong?

I don't think I have high expectations - in fact, I think I've the opposite. Some of my boyfriends have been unemployed/not particularly good looking/little prospects etc. I meet them and always try to look past their circumstances to find out who they really are on the inside.......

LegacyUser

All the constant talk about "soul mates" and "the one" all focus on the present and not the future. Inevitably many of these "soul mates" will find it isn't working some years down the road. Some will stay together for appearances and others will split. Furthermore, this "soul mate" talk is not very realistic. Relationships take work and sometimes they end up not being worth the effort being put into them. Remember times have changed dramatically from when our parents married so don't try and compare yourself to generations past. Also, real life is nothing as it is portrayed in movies, books and television shows. I say that only because it is easy to forget how influential these are.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you except you don't seem to be alive to the issue that not everyone meets someone they marry, move in with, etc. Sometimes this is by choice and other times it isn't. I have lots of male and female friends who would give anything to have a partner but for whatever reasons it just doesn't happen. It is a goal they still work at and maintain hope for. I don't say that to be cruel but to just realise there are lots of people who want relationships but just can't maintain them for whatever reason. This doesn't mean you should give up looking for someone but just realise there are lots of lonely people out there and some of the loneliest are in long-term relationships.

Finally, settling down requires settling for. You will NEVER get everything you want in a partner so pick what it most important to you and realise you'll have to overlook the other not so great stuff or just learn to accept it in another person. Be yourself, albeit a perfectly groomed version, and you'll probably fall into something. It might not last forever, or it could be a few months or years but you should enjoy it while it lasts.

I wish you the best!

Mr. Loverman

The common factor in all these relationships is you, so I agree with you that you are probably the main cause of the problem.

Did your parents have a good relationship?

LegacyUser

That would be a definitive NO!

My dad drank, my man raised the kids. They were of a different generation however. Both died before I was 20 and I've been living alone/with boyfriends since then. Family aren't great etc. Which is why I've had counselling etc.

LegacyUser

they're right find yourself.... you're taking issue with yourself and projecting it onto your partners...potentially....

take up kickboxing or yoga or country walking... something that will use up energy or make you feel peaceful...

You've been through a lot i think, and maybe you need to stop looking for reasons for everything....

Lux23

OP - I would actually be quite in awe of you. You have a house, a good job, friends and best of all a child of your own. I think you are really doing quite well in life but I can understand that not being able to make realtionships work seems like such a massive failure as we have been made to believe that we are supposed to be part of a couple, that this is a sign of success in life.

It sounds like you have had quite a few realtionships over the past few years and its quite likely that you will have again. You may even end up meeting someone wonderful and that will be it, you will be with the same person the rest of your life. But if this doesn't happen for you do you really think that you need to feel so down about it, maybe you aren't someone who is able to commit to one man only but this doesn't mean you should be unhappy and feel like a failure. Think about why you want a husband/committed partner and if the only reason is so that your can feel like a success then is it such a big deal to be a single woman.

LegacyUser

Good point Lux, and thanks for that.

But that whole 'we have made to believe that we need someone' isn't true. We actually all need someone. Even if it's our kids - at the moment, it's my child who makes my life worthwhile. I'm not trying to say that not having a child should make you feel worthless, but for me personally, the day I had him, was the day that I finally understood what life was all about. But that's just me.

I'm the same of the rest of you - I have a good life, but ultimately, we all have a dream of growing old with somebody else. Another human being. That's not a bad thing but we're made to feel like a failure if we don't find that person to grow old with.

Recently, a niece of mine referred to me as an aunt of hers who had never married.

I have no dreams of white dresses - never had - but the fact that my 29yr old niece just assumed that I had never, and would never, marry, depressed me so much that it got me thinking about my life and my relationships. And I'm single and fed up.

I'm quite a young looking, and not frumpy aunt! Myself and my niece often have nites out and are mistaken for sisters - but I was so shocked when she called me her 'aunt who had never married'.......

Mr. Loverman

unregistered wrote: »

That would be a definitive NO!

My dad drank, my man raised the kids. They were of a different generation however. Both died before I was 20 and I've been living alone/with boyfriends since then. Family aren't great etc. Which is why I've had counselling etc.

So would it be fair to say, from a young age, you grew up seeing relationships as something which cause pain or lead to someone getting hurt?

LegacyUser

I suppose that would be fair to say, yes. But I've covered all that in therapy - I know what I learned as a kid about relationships, and I do as much as I can to ensure that my relationships don't reflect my parents.

You are right though - the common denominator is me in these failures and I'm sick hearing the 'nice' words from those trying to get me get over another relationship.

Mr. Loverman

unregistered wrote: »

I suppose that would be fair to say, yes. But I've covered all that in therapy - I know what I learned as a kid about relationships, and I do as much as I can to ensure that my relationships don't reflect my parents.

You are right though - the common denominator is me in these failures and I'm sick hearing the 'nice' words from those trying to get me get over another relationship.

I wouldn't put so much faith in therapy. I have a friends who spent a few years (on and off) getting therapy about their childhood problems. From what I've seen, it definitely helped them (better coping skills, etc.), but it hasn't actually solved their problems. They think it has, but I can see it hasnt. So please don't assume all your issues are sorted because you went to therapy. From what you've told us so far it is very clear you still have issues.

My own personal opinion on this issue (controversial) is that we don't really ever get over our childhood. We just learn to cope with it better.

LegacyUser

I'm doomed so!

But I think I'm of that belief also - so where does that leave me?

katie99

Kaiser2000 wrote: »

I have a friend about your age OP, and like you, she's been single for most of the last 10-12 years.

Plus she's looking to meet this perfect man (not that there is such a thing) in places like pubs, and then wonders why all she gets is creepy older/married guys coming on to her looking for some "fun".

Maybe look at where you're meeting these men, or what preconceptions or expectations you have at the start. Maybe, like my friend, you're sizing them up as potential "boyfriend/long termer" at the very start rather than taking a more relaxed "see how things go" approach and concentrating on getting to know each other and having some fun together (and I mean general fun - not sex!) first, and then if that leads to more then great!

So, where would you suggest she goes to meet a potential bf?
Don't suggest joining clubs because she may as well hold a sign above her head declaring she is joining the club to meet a guy. Neither suggest Internet dating. That is a money making racket. I tried it and it didn't work and I know others who tried it too and had very negative reactions to it.

In my opinion those people in couples are very, very lucky. I know from bitter experience that romance doesn't always work and you can be left alone while all your friends are enjoying themsleves in their 'couples situations'.

Mr. Loverman

unregistered wrote: »

I'm doomed so!

But I think I'm of that belief also - so where does that leave me?

I think the only thing you can do is find a kind person who loves you and take a chance on them.

LegacyUser

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

I think the only thing you can do is find a kind person who loves you and take a chance on them.

And if I could find him...I wouldn't be on the internet of a sunday afternoon wondering where to find him....!

_Kaiser_

katie99 wrote: »

So, where would you suggest she goes to meet a potential bf?
Don't suggest joining clubs because she may as well hold a sign above her head declaring she is joining the club to meet a guy. Neither suggest Internet dating. That is a money making racket. I tried it and it didn't work and I know others who tried it too and had very negative reactions to it.

In my opinion those people in couples are very, very lucky. I know from bitter experience that romance doesn't always work and you can be left alone while all your friends are enjoying themsleves in their 'couples situations'.

Internet dating is a very mixed bag. You'll get a million and one blokes on it looking for a one night stand, and women who only want the same/aren't over their ex/aren't ready for anything but still on a dating site/have other issues etc.... in between all that there are a few genuine people, but it does take time to weed them out.

In my friend's case, it's not that she doesn't meet guys outside of the pub/club setting, but she doesn't give them a fair chance because she has this unrealistic romantisized "Mr Right" ideal that she measures them up against, rather than focussing on getting to know THEM and taking it from there. Then she complains that she's still single (and like the OP she has a good job, own house etc - in fact, aside from the OP having a child she could BE my friend!! )

Incidentially though, being in a relationship isn't the be all and end all either. Sure, they're great when they're working and the effort is made (on both sides) to keep things fresh and enjoyable, but there's nothing worse than being in a relationship that's not working out - and there's too many people who stay with someone for the wrong reasons.

Personally I can do both - if I'm in a relationship and it's working then great, but equally I've no problem being on my own as I enjoy my own company and can find things to do pretty easily most of the time (also an important skill when you're made redundant actually ) - that doesn't mean that I live like a monk/hermit either, but nor would I be with someone just to be "in a relationship".

Mr. Loverman

unregistered wrote: »

And if I could find him...I wouldn't be on the internet of a sunday afternoon wondering where to find him....!

I thought the problem was you've already found him (numerous times) but something in you is making you sabotage your relationships?

magneticimpulse

katie99 wrote: »

So, where would you suggest she goes to meet a potential bf?
Don't suggest joining clubs because she may as well hold a sign above her head declaring she is joining the club to meet a guy. Neither suggest Internet dating. That is a money making racket. I tried it and it didn't work and I know others who tried it too and had very negative reactions to it.

In my opinion those people in couples are very, very lucky. I know from bitter experience that romance doesn't always work and you can be left alone while all your friends are enjoying themsleves in their 'couples situations'.

I agree with you there!! I think its called Luck at the end of the day. Im sure theres lots of women in your situation. You can turn yourself inside out,upside down, do the whole internet dating thing, join umpty number of clubs and still be in square one!!

Whats the answer? I dont know. Move country...try a different gene pool of men? Who knows...if somebody finds out let me know.

Where do these have it all women seem to fail? Are you just too sensible, brainy, independent, much too attractive etc? Seriously myself included would like to know the secret...my current conclusion...it all falls on luck

Oh and im not talking about "Mr Right" im just talking about mr. right now, mr. he will do and is decent enough to meet the parents...mr. anybody...where is he?

LegacyUser

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I agree with you there!! I think its called Luck at the end of the day. Im sure theres lots of women in your situation. You can turn yourself inside out,upside down, do the whole internet dating thing, join umpty number of clubs and still be in square one!!

Whats the answer? I dont know. Move country...try a different gene pool of men? Who knows...if somebody finds out let me know.

Where do these have it all women seem to fail? Are you just too sensible, brainy, independent, much too attractive etc? Seriously myself included would like to know the secret...my current conclusion...it all falls on luck

Oh and im not talking about "Mr Right" im just talking about mr. right now, mr. he will do and is decent enough to meet the parents...mr. anybody...where is he?

It is down to luck, but why not enjoy your life while waiting for luck to strike? Joining clubs to meet men is soul destroying. Here's an idea....join the club because you like the activity it offers. Give up looking for a man, that's the answer. I was seriously unhappy in myself when all I did was attend events/clubs etc just so I could meet a man. I was a fool, didn't realise it at the time, but I was throwing my life away.

You're not looking for Mr Right anymore? So basically you're talking about 'Mr Anyone'! What kind of message is that sending out? What sort of man would date a woman knowing in his heart and soul that he's just filling a gap (no pun intended), that the woman in question hasn't found anyone else and decides that he'll do? I know I would hate to date a man who thought 'Ah I can't get anyone better, she'll do'.

If you under sell yourself, you'll get less than what you want. And you could end up married to a man you're not really interested in just because you didn't want to be alone. Married for forty years, knowing deep down that you don't really love this man, but married him out of panic because all your friends were getting married. It happens all the time, has happened in the past to other people, is happening right now to people you know, and it'll happen again in the future.

So you could end up living half your life as a lie. Why throw away your life? Why not enjoy it instead?

LegacyUser

I think the big problem here is you have a child. You failed to mention this in your first post. That makes your thread take a totally different twist.

I personally wouldn't go out with a woman who had a child, and I know a huge amount of men feel exactly the same. If I found out midway into a relationship that the woman had failed to mention she had a kid, I'd be gone!

I don't want a readymade family with someone else. I guess that makes me selfish but I don't want to raise another man's child. I don't want to marry a woman and pay for another man's child's school books and uniforms, etc.

I do want to have my own children, but I don't feel I could ever enjoy someone else's child as much as I would love my own, something I created with my partner.

I think this is a huge factor in your problems, maybe you need to rethink things a little. If you're looking to meet men down in your local pub, chances are they won't want anything serious with someone who has a kid.

Sorry if this is harsh, but I'm just being truthful with you..

seenitall

adgdag wrote: »

I think the big problem here is you have a child. You failed to mention this in your first post. That makes your thread take a totally different twist.

I personally wouldn't go out with a woman who had a child, and I know a huge amount of men feel exactly the same. If I found out midway into a relationship that the woman had failed to mention she had a kid, I'd be gone!

I don't want a readymade family with someone else. I guess that makes me selfish but I don't want to raise another man's child. I don't want to marry a woman and pay for another man's child's school books and uniforms, etc.

I do want to have my own children, but I don't feel I could ever enjoy someone else's child as much as I would love my own, something I created with my partner.

I think this is a huge factor in your problems, maybe you need to rethink things a little. If you're looking to meet men down in your local pub, chances are they won't want anything serious with someone who has a kid.

Sorry if this is harsh, but I'm just being truthful with you..

What a cold, calculating attitude to have towards love. I am not surprised to come across it in this thread, however, because as a single mother I know that it unfortunately paints a very accurate picture of how men feel. My saving grace here is the fact that, of course, I wouldn't want to have an OH who would have that sort of attitude towards my child anyway. My only problem is that the other kind of men seem to be very thin on the ground. Hence my post from earlier on, describing a better way to live on one's own, and on one's own terms at least.

So, well done on the honesty and the accuracy of your post, adgdag. The only thing you left tantalisingly unwritten is what kind of "rethink" would you have in mind for the OP? What should she be "rethinking" about? I would be very, very interested to know your ideas especially.

LegacyUser

adgdag wrote: »

I think the big problem here is you have a child. You failed to mention this in your first post. That makes your thread take a totally different twist.

I personally wouldn't go out with a woman who had a child, and I know a huge amount of men feel exactly the same. If I found out midway into a relationship that the woman had failed to mention she had a kid, I'd be gone!

I don't want a readymade family with someone else. I guess that makes me selfish but I don't want to raise another man's child. I don't want to marry a woman and pay for another man's child's school books and uniforms, etc.

I do want to have my own children, but I don't feel I could ever enjoy someone else's child as much as I would love my own, something I created with my partner.

I think this is a huge factor in your problems, maybe you need to rethink things a little. If you're looking to meet men down in your local pub, chances are they won't want anything serious with someone who has a kid.

Sorry if this is harsh, but I'm just being truthful with you..

I failed to mention in my original post that I have a child, because I didn't want this to become 'Single mother is looking for a date' post.

I can absolutely appreciate the fact that you don't want to 'raise somebody elses child'. But my child is practically raised, and I have no interest in looking for a dad for him.

I'm not looking for a man who will 'love my child as much as he would love his own'. In fact, I would like more children with a future partner.

If you are also of a similar age to me OP (late 30s), then, with respect, you are living in the dark ages if you think you might meet a woman who doesn't have children already. Yes, there are women in their late 30s with no kids, but the majority have them, and very few, if any of us, are luking for men to be their fathers!!!!!!!!

seenitall

Errr... OP, can I remind you of this?

unregistered wrote: »

I have a child who's the most wonderful kid ever and have no real inclination towards having another.

However, now that someone has written on here challenging your single parent situation, the story is:

"In fact, I would like more children with a future partner"

I am very afraid that you belong to that group of people who will say or do just about anything to get a man/woman. In other words: Desperation Central. I am not writing this to be mean or just on account of this one example; this whole thread has been going a certain direction anyway.

If you can't share how you really feel with a bunch of strangers on boards who are trying to help, either you don't even yourself know how you really feel, or you are so insecure and in need of validation and support that people-pleasing is a way of life.

Either way, I can't see you developing a healthy, long-term relationship with anyone at all, and either way, much more counselling is needed.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I really wish you all the best, but I also really think that for that to happen you need to work on your issues more. I would be interested to know why you are keeping quiet on this, and the only thing of any real interest to you is what you need to change in yourself to bag and keep a man. It's a delusional attitude to have. It's not leading anywhere good.

Best wishes.

LegacyUser

Oh whatever.

I don't belong to any 'group' of people.

You belong to the 'group' of people who pick at other peoples posts!!!

I have no inclination towards having another child right now, but if I met the right person, who knows????

Had I mentioned the fact that I was a single parent who might, potentially want another child at some point in her life, this would have become a complete other post.
Which it actually has.

Having a child, or wanting to have a child, is deemed as a negative in relationships as far as I can see. Particularly when you are a single woman in your 30s.

I think it says more about the man who percieves a woman as a 'threat' who has a child, than about a woman who might want another child.

Having said all of the above, kids aren't my issue, and I have never brought up this issue with any potential partner.

'Either way, I can't see you developing a healthy, long-term relationship with anyone at all, and either way, much more counselling is needed.'

Jaysus...I'm distraught at the fact that your knowledge now makes me, a lonely failure.
Completely distraught.

seenitall

The hostility and the sarcasm are completely uncalled for.

I was genuinely trying to help.

Best wishes.