Love is a complicated issue

bryonb

Two weeeks ago my wife has decided that while she loves me, she does not feel that she is in love with me. "I have made her feel unloved". This is not something i have done intentionally, but this has happpened. She does not tend to talk about these type of things with me until they have been built up to the point of explosion. This does hurt me as i feel that i have made my life for her.

She has said that she needs some space to think and is due to move out in the next few days. I have said that we need to work on this and try to resolve the isssues, but her reply always leads to a negative feeling. I have told her that i feel that her moving out, is a way to make it easier to end our marraige. She has said that because that she feels this way and in the past she would have put others first, this time sshe iss only thinking of herself and her happiness. While i have oblivious to the problems and issue that have lead to these sad felling she has, she is now oblivious to the fact that this is destroying me to a point i would never have dreamed (nightmare) of.

Yes, I have thought that i would be better of dead, because this may make things easier for my wife, but i know the devastation this would cause to her, not to mention for our friends and family, so i would not do anything so cowardly to cause that sort of pain. But i know that once she has left that i will be broken and my life will be empty to the point that i will feel dead.

YES, i am sure things will get easier once she is gone and i have the support from all around me. This will be good for me. But i do not want my marraige to end, i love her with all my will and being and i want to sort out the mess.

We don't have any children and yes this is also good, but i myself have had beautiful dreams and visions of my wife and i watching our chilldren on their birthdays and at chrismas and all i want is these to come true.

Zeouterlimits

These things she says you were oblivious to, did she talk about them to you? Did she try to make you understand before now?

Hope it works out, for both of ye.

Milkmaid

Hi bryonb,
You poor thing your head must be melted and all over place. My ex walked out after 19 years and we had children some years ago.
Before we had kids he was unhappy, but I kept taking him back as I could not face the end of the marriage. He was always blaming me for his own unhappiness.
Unless there is a specific issue that you are responsible for like an addiction or cheating, or lack of sexual interest on your part for example then I would say to you "let her go" because you have done your best.
You can only be responsible for YOUR actions not hers. You are a human and not a robot and if your behaviour has been normal with the normal "off" days we all get then don't let her make you feel responsible for her actions.
The reason is simple: If she is not fully committed to the marriage at this stage then in future when you may have kids she will still want out....believe you me I really really wish I had let my Ex go well before kids came along. People do not change that much, and you cannot make her change.
You will get through........please tell your family and friends so you can get support. Also tell your GP because he/she will be able to refer you for counselling, or you can make an appointment with a counsellor directly. What you are going through is so tough I know ,but you will get through and you are not on your own. Keep posting here if you need support.

StarryMoon0

Not a nice situation.

Can I ask, as another poster did, what are you oblivious to?
Has she been trying to say something and you've just not heard it? Or has she simply said nothing?

I used to try and say things to my OH all the time. He did not take me seriously, thought I was being dramatic ect ect. It got to the stage where I was tired of saying it, tired of being hushed up, tired of being told i was over reacting, so I stopped saying things for a few years, just got on with my life untill i smartened up and left him. He then realised I was serious.

Not saying this is the case with you, but just wanting to highlight that sometimes "things" are said, but they are not heard.

If this genuinely has not happened, then I think its a bit mean for her to just walk away with no explanation. Obviously some serious talking needs to be done between the two of you.

IrishEyes19

Give her time , OP, maybe to clear her head and see what she truly wants. Time can be both a curse and miracle. If she loves you, she will see how lonely she is without you and perhaps come back to make it work and on the other hand she might even feel better off letting it go.

And if she does come back, perhaps you both need to sit down and lay your cards out on the table, without fighting or arguing just say exactly what you have to say, with the rule that theres no interupting each other while you both have your say.

Alternatively, if you can't talk without fighting or interupting, maybe both take the time to write a letter to each other stating how you feel and read each others letters alone. Just a suggestion, I think relationships turn sour when you dont hear each others problems or consider them.

Wish you the best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,
I could have written your post word for word exactly a year ago. My wife of a few years (and many long years as BF/GF before that) left me too. It perhaps wasn't quite as sudden as in your case, as she'd made it known to me a few months previously that she was unhappy, that she was confused, that she needed space (I hate that word cos to me it's a cop out!), etc... I tried to be understanding and we tried to work on some issues. But things between us changed, there was an atmosphere, a feeling of mutual mis-trust... until the little arguments eventually came to a head and she moved out.

Like you I was desperate and immediately sought help from a GP who recommended a marriage counselor. We went along, and initially I felt we were both on the same page, that we both wanted things to work out. However it quickly became apparent that she didn't have her heart in it anymore and she couldn't give me any reassurances - she effectively used the counseling sessions to ease herself out of the marriage and it was all over a matter of weeks later. The counseling sessions were extremely harrowing and I'd never want to experience anything like it again.

I found "the end" very difficult to accept and I cringe now when I think back on stuff that I did. I bombarded her with letters/emails/texts, hoping that "this letter will finally make her see sense!". Of course none of it worked and only served to make me feel foolish/desperate/needy. But at the time I felt I had to try everything I could, despite the advice my family and friends gave me.

My family and friends were brilliant to me. I became much closer to my siblings in fact, they even say it to me today that they never knew me at all prior to this disaster, I'm the brother they didn't have before! I couldn't have coped without them, so it's crucial that you lean on people close to you. Don't be alone at this time because I only know too well that your mind is in a very fragile state right now.

You will not think it now, you can't even contemplate it I'm sure, but this is not the end for you. It took me several months, but thanks to my mates, I pulled myself together and went out again, even if I felt like crap, I still went out and tried to put a brave face on things. I even kinda enjoyed the Xmas festivities, and I had been totally dreading it! I kept busy, did evening courses, joined a gym - did all the things people suggest you do to avoid being alone.

Then one night when out with some friends, when I least expected it, I met a lovely girl out and we got talking... and to cut a long story short, we've been a couple for several months now! I'm sure many people think I'm mad, that I got into another relationship relatively quickly... but I couldn't let this one pass me by and I'm really enjoying life right now

I guess if I were to do things differently looking back, I'd have taken more control of my situation - I let her take the reigns and I felt I had to go along with her every whim or risk pushing her even further away. That wasn't a good place to be in, as I felt totally helpless, unable to do anything, make any plans/decisions or whatever else. And if she asks for space, give it to her. Don't hassle her with contact, if she wants to come back, if she really misses you, she will be back in her own accord and no amount of persuasion on your side will make a difference. It will feel counter-intuitive, but the best thing you can do is let her see that you can stand on your own feet and are getting on with life as best you can.

I hope things do work out for you and your wife, perhaps things aren't as irrecoverable as they were for me. I also totally empathize with your dreams and hopes for the future being crushed, I felt the same way.

Anyway, I'm proof right here that life does go on, and here I am a year later quite happy with life today. Obviously I still feel sad about how things worked out, and I get the odd feeling of "what might have been" or "if only"... but I've learned to accept it all now and move on as best I can.

IrishEyes19

IveBeenThere wrote: »

Hey OP,
I could have written your post word for word exactly a year ago. My wife of a few years (and many long years as BF/GF before that) left me too. It perhaps wasn't quite as sudden as in your case, as she'd made it known to me a few months previously that she was unhappy, that she was confused, that she needed space (I hate that word cos to me it's a cop out!), etc... I tried to be understanding and we tried to work on some issues. But things between us changed, there was an atmosphere, a feeling of mutual mis-trust... until the little arguments eventually came to a head and she moved out.

Like you I was desperate and immediately sought help from a GP who recommended a marriage counselor. We went along, and initially I felt we were both on the same page, that we both wanted things to work out. However it quickly became apparent that she didn't have her heart in it anymore and she couldn't give me any reassurances - she effectively used the counseling sessions to ease herself out of the marriage and it was all over a matter of weeks later. The counseling sessions were extremely harrowing and I'd never want to experience anything like it again.

I found "the end" very difficult to accept and I cringe now when I think back on stuff that I did. I bombarded her with letters/emails/texts, hoping that "this letter will finally make her see sense!". Of course none of it worked and only served to make me feel foolish/desperate/needy. But at the time I felt I had to try everything I could, despite the advice my family and friends gave me.

My family and friends were brilliant to me. I became much closer to my siblings in fact, they even say it to me today that they never knew me at all prior to this disaster, I'm the brother they didn't have before! I couldn't have coped without them, so it's crucial that you lean on people close to you. Don't be alone at this time because I only know too well that your mind is in a very fragile state right now.

You will not think it now, you can't even contemplate it I'm sure, but this is not the end for you. It took me several months, but thanks to my mates, I pulled myself together and went out again, even if I felt like crap, I still went out and tried to put a brave face on things. I even kinda enjoyed the Xmas festivities, and I had been totally dreading it! I kept busy, did evening courses, joined a gym - did all the things people suggest you do to avoid being alone.

Then one night when out with some friends, when I least expected it, I met a lovely girl out and we got talking... and to cut a long story short, we've been a couple for several months now! I'm sure many people think I'm mad, that I got into another relationship relatively quickly... but I couldn't let this one pass me by and I'm really enjoying life right now

I guess if I were to do things differently looking back, I'd have taken more control of my situation - I let her take the reigns and I felt I had to go along with her every whim or risk pushing her even further away. That wasn't a good place to be in, as I felt totally helpless, unable to do anything, make any plans/decisions or whatever else. And if she asks for space, give it to her. Don't hassle her with contact, if she wants to come back, if she really misses you, she will be back in her own accord and no amount of persuasion on your side will make a difference. It will feel counter-intuitive, but the best thing you can do is let her see that you can stand on your own feet and are getting on with life as best you can.

I hope things do work out for you and your wife, perhaps things aren't as irrecoverable as they were for me. I also totally empathize with your dreams and hopes for the future being crushed, I felt the same way.

Anyway, I'm proof right here that life does go on, and here I am a year later quite happy with life today. Obviously I still feel sad about how things worked out, and I get the odd feeling of "what might have been" or "if only"... but I've learned to accept it all now and move on as best I can.

Glad to see you got a somewhat happy ending "Ive been there," hope it stays that way for you. You sound like you've been through hell!!:)

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Glad to see you got a somewhat happy ending "Ive been there," hope it stays that way for you. You sound like you've been through hell!!:)

Thanks Yeah, you could say I've been to hell, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!!

Didn't mean to hijack the OP's thread with my own tale, I rambled on a bit, but I remember coming onto this forum when I was at my lowest and taking some encouragement from other people's stories who'd been there and come out the other side. I know from experience it feels like the end of the world but trust me, it isn't.

bryonb

Thank you all for you kind words. I am sorry that some of you have found comparisons to me and had to endure what i am going through.

To Milkmaid: I have been unattentive. When my wife was going out for a night i wouldn't comment on how nice she looked. (she always looks nice). In relation to your query on a specific issue that i would be responsible for like an addiction or cheating, or lack of sexual interest on your part, it was a lack of sexual interest. Yes i know that this is my problem. Its is not that i do not fancy her, she is the most beautiful person i have ever met, including personallity. I felt that i was not good enough for her. I felt old, unattractive and fat. This destroyed my selfconfidence and i was afraid to take control of our sex life. While this was an issue on my part, she is conservitive when it comes to sex. This is for the bedroom only. The only time she would try to have some sex was if she was out and had some drink on her (i don't mean this to sound harsh).

To Zeouterlimits and StarryMoon0 : I was oblivious to her feelings because she allows things to build in her head before she explodes with her issues. This is not the first time she has allowed her issues to build and no mater what i say i can't get her to change this. Now, saying that, she may have tried to point something out about her feelings but she would not be direct in this. I am an idiot not to have noticed something, but i have not been looking for anything.

To IveBeenThere : I understand from your messsage that you have been through this and i am happy for you that you have found love at the end, be it with someone else. However, i have dreamed of our life in the future and my hopes for what i have dreamed are been destroyed. I do not want to have to deal with losing her, i want to deal with our problems and i want to make her happy. But, i am lost as to how to do this as she seems to be completely closing herself to the posibility that i can do this with her. i have suggested that we go to a counseller from the start but she has likened them to fortune tellers. She does not want to go. I have told her that I have spoken to a counselling service and i am waiting to receive a call for a meeting, unfortunately, these things take time. I want to go whether she comes or not, because i do not want to make the same mistakes in the future ( i don't want to have to think like this but i am being given no option). I have told her she is welcome to come and she has said that she will (after some convincing), but she seems to remain closed to the possiblites that we will be afforded through counselling. I have explained that the cousels role is to allow the freedom of speech and to aid us, not to dicatate what we should do.

To all : I have just come home and she is catching up on the soaps. I have promised that i wouldn't talk about our problems tonight as we end up going around in circles and repeating ourselves, this usually ends in tears on both sides.. It is hard for me to know there is nothing that can be changed until she has had her time and space without me. All i want her to understand is, i will never give up and i will change anything to improve this. She has said that i shouldn't have to change, but this is what we do every day, adapt to whatever situation that arises.

LegacyUser

Op

Your story could also be mine.
I understand how hard it is for you to accept that your Oh has decided she needs to mve out to see how she feels.
I also had all the dreams you speak of , I adapted and changed to try and keep myEx happy.I did all I could and talked with her and councillors to make things work so I do know what you are going thru.The parting words were 'I will always Love you but I'm not in love with You'. I walked a thin line between taking a cowards way out or becoming the strong person I am today.

Her having time/space may be the best thing for you both but as it is her decision she feels it is best for her so set a time limit for her to make a decision, for YOUR SAKE do not let this drag on to long. Your OH has the backing of Friends and Family in this as its never a decision someone takes without backing. Talk to your own family and close friends while you are on your own because if the final decision is the one you dred at the moment you will need the support of those closest to you.

I really hope it works out the way you want. Be strong

StarryMoon0

bryonb wrote: »

To Milkmaid: I have been unattentive. When my wife was going out for a night i wouldn't comment on how nice she looked. (she always looks nice). In relation to your query on a specific issue that i would be responsible for like an addiction or cheating, or lack of sexual interest on your part, it was a lack of sexual interest. Yes i know that this is my problem. Its is not that i do not fancy her, she is the most beautiful person i have ever met, including personallity. I felt that i was not good enough for her. I felt old, unattractive and fat. This destroyed my selfconfidence and i was afraid to take control of our sex life. While this was an issue on my part, she is conservitive when it comes to sex. This is for the bedroom only. The only time she would try to have some sex was if she was out and had some drink on her (i don't mean this to sound harsh).

Ok, well us girls like to be told we look nice, however, thats not a good enough reason to end things. As for lack of sexual interest, that can cause problems if not dealt with. Sounds like maybe there was intamacy problems? What I mean by that, is that neither of you could sit down and talk about the lack of interest. As for her being conservative, thats OK. In a commited relationship, while yes, it is nice to have some fun and be adventurous at times, at the end of the day, the sexual act is more about being together and having a deep connection. Only if you have trust and openness, can you then get adventureous, I think.

bryonb wrote: »

To Zeouterlimits and StarryMoon0 : I was oblivious to her feelings because she allows things to build in her head before she explodes with her issues. This is not the first time she has allowed her issues to build and no mater what i say i can't get her to change this. Now, saying that, she may have tried to point something out about her feelings but she would not be direct in this. I am an idiot not to have noticed something, but i have not been looking for anything.

Ok, I understand. I used to do the same thing, let it all build up and then explode all over the place. Your not an idiot for not having noticed. You are not a mind reader. This is where counselling would do a world of good. Learning how to communicate is critical. You say she is not open to counselling, this is a shame. She might find that learning to open up would create a whole new exciting relationship.

How about you going to counselling alone?
I say this as, I started going to counselling well before my OH did, and I learnt a lot. You cannot change her, you can only change yourself.
I learnt to be a bit happier in myself, and made small changes in myself, which he noticed. I'm not suggesting any of this is your fault, but you do say you thought you weren't good enough. And why not? Build up your self esteem. So your not 17, a model for Playgirl, with a body like Arnie. Who is?

Do some work on yourself, either way it will help you. Either she will see what your doing and decide to follow in your path, or she won't and you will be better equipped to handle the situation and get through it.

Best of luck to you, you CAN get through this.

bryonb

thanks StarryMoon0 for your comments. I have said to my wife that i intend to go to counselling if she comes or not. This is a decision i toook because i am sure i can gain some perspective on my life and my wants and needs. I hope she does join me for our sake and not just because she feels she has too. I want our marraige to work, but i have said some horrible things over the last few days aswell. These may have helped her in her decision already. While we do not have any kids, we are stuck with a huge morgage. We built a house on my familys land and she feels she has no right to it. So i said after a row, "that i was done and she needs to decide what she wants in relation to the house". I know i have aggitated the situation when i shouldn't have, but i felt angry because she is controlling the situation and i feel helpless.

When i posted this thread, while i was loooking for some sympaty and advice, i was also wanting to see comments from ppl that would see her side of this. I was hoping to gain some further understanding as this may help our relationship.

I do hope we can resolve this and we can enjoy a long and happy life filled with our love for each other and for our children should we have some. However, as she is moving today and she was afriad to tell me where this was to (she did tell me), i feel this is truely the end. I told her yessterday that i was sorry for the hurtful things is said and these were said in anger. I told her that i do not want to give up and that i will give her the space she needs. I also said that i will be there for her no matter what and she can call me any time. I hope that she sees the love i have for her and that i will do anything to make this work. Then maybe we can live through our dreams.

bryonb

Today, my wife is moving out to have the space she needs to decide if she can continue with our marraige. She is not working today, but has chosen to visit a friend and avoid me. I hate that i have placed her in a position like this. I am due to go to work later and i fear she may not come home before i go. We agred that she will move her stuff after i have gone to work.This will mean that i have not beeen able to tell her that i love her one more time before she leaves. I know she has not ended our marraige yet, but i feel that if i do not tell her my feelings before she moves, she will make the fatal ddecision. Therefore, i have wrote the following letter to her:

"I find it hard to write this letter as i feeel i may repeat what has been said already. But, i need to write this.

I am sorry that i have allowed you to feel unloved and unwanted I never meant for this to happen. I have loved you, i do love you and i will always love you.

I understand that you think i should not change to suit you, but this is something that must be done. I know i am not the man today that you once loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with, but i do want to be that man again.

I know you need to move so you have the space to contemplate your next step, whether to continue with our marraige and work on our problems or seperate and try to find happiness elsewhere. I hate that i have drove you to this in the first place. I am willing to accept your decision, no matter how much this may hurt both of us and i know this may take some time.

I also wanted to appologise for my attitude to this. I have allowed my anger, at allowing you to feel like this and that i have no control over what happens next, to take over. There is no excuse for this, just regret, as this may have made your mind up for you.

I want you to be happy, and i would love tto be the peson that makes you feel that way.

I know that over the coming weeks or months, that you are going to find your decision hard and i cannot help you wwith that now, as you are the only one that can decide.

BUT

If you are feeeling allone or unloved or anything, i will be there for you. So please don't shut me out.

All my love"


I want my wife to come back to me. We have been togeter for 13 years and maried for 5. I want to make us the happiest people alive and have a family with her. I don't now if that is ggoing to be possible.

I will ccontinue to post here until the bitter end should it ccome. Please feel free to reply to my messages, as your comments are inspiring and helpful. Although, please share your comments based on both sides.

LegacyUser

Hi Bryonb,

I am sorry to hear your story and read your post. But I have to ask, could there be anyone else? Having come through something very similar this year were the other person left for some 'space and time alone to think', it turned out that this space and time alone was a way of getting closer to the person they were having an affair with and so they wouldnt have to deal with the guilt of what they were doing. Now I hope this is not the case for you and I wish you luck and the only advice I can give you is try the counselling route as it really can work, but both people have to be willing to go and I hope she gives you the chance. Give her the space if thats what she needs, but you cant put your life on hold for her because theres always the chance she may not come back.

midlandsmissus

bryonb wrote: »

Today, my wife is moving out to have the space she needs to decide if she can continue with our marraige. She is not working today, but has chosen to visit a friend and avoid me. I hate that i have placed her in a position like this. I am due to go to work later and i fear she may not come home before i go. We agred that she will move her stuff after i have gone to work.This will mean that i have not beeen able to tell her that i love her one more time before she leaves. I know she has not ended our marraige yet, but i feel that if i do not tell her my feelings before she moves, she will make the fatal ddecision. Therefore, i have wrote the following letter to her:

"I find it hard to write this letter as i feeel i may repeat what has been said already. But, i need to write this.

I am sorry that i have allowed you to feel unloved and unwanted I never meant for this to happen. I have loved you, i do love you and i will always love you.

I understand that you think i should not change to suit you, but this is something that must be done. I know i am not the man today that you once loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with, but i do want to be that man again.

I know you need to move so you have the space to contemplate your next step, whether to continue with our marraige and work on our problems or seperate and try to find happiness elsewhere. I hate that i have drove you to this in the first place. I am willing to accept your decision, no matter how much this may hurt both of us and i know this may take some time.

I also wanted to appologise for my attitude to this. I have allowed my anger, at allowing you to feel like this and that i have no control over what happens next, to take over. There is no excuse for this, just regret, as this may have made your mind up for you.

I want you to be happy, and i would love tto be the peson that makes you feel that way.

I know that over the coming weeks or months, that you are going to find your decision hard and i cannot help you wwith that now, as you are the only one that can decide.

BUT

If you are feeeling allone or unloved or anything, i will be there for you. So please don't shut me out.

All my love"


I want my wife to come back to me. We have been togeter for 13 years and maried for 5. I want to make us the happiest people alive and have a family with her. I don't now if that is ggoing to be possible.

I will ccontinue to post here until the bitter end should it ccome. Please feel free to reply to my messages, as your comments are inspiring and helpful. Although, please share your comments based on both sides.

Bless you BryonB, I feel for you.

I am going to give you some really honest advice.

People want what they can't have. If you are there waiting patiently, writing letters saying how much you love her, she will jsut think of you as 'there'. There to go back to if she wants, but she doesn't have to make any kind of immediate decision.

You need to give her space. Let her see how much she misses you when she doesn't have you. DO NOT write her any more letters. Don't be there at her beck and call. It will not change anything. The ONLY thing you can do is let her go for a while and have a think, cut off contact.

Put yourself in her position and you'll see what I mean. Say you were in a marriage and you were starting to have real doubts, and you really wanted to get away for a while to clear your head, your wife telling you how much she loves you and please not to go is not going to change anything for you is it? You will still want to get away and have a serious think for a while.

As a woman, I would say definitely let HER contact you. Be storng and cut off contact with her for a while. My thoughts are with you.

jamimon

bryonb wrote: »

Today, my wife is moving out to have the space she needs to decide if she can continue with our marraige. She is not working today, but has chosen to visit a friend and avoid me. I hate that i have placed her in a position like this. I am due to go to work later and i fear she may not come home before i go. We agred that she will move her stuff after i have gone to work.This will mean that i have not beeen able to tell her that i love her one more time before she leaves. I know she has not ended our marraige yet, but i feel that if i do not tell her my feelings before she moves, she will make the fatal ddecision. Therefore, i have wrote the following letter to her:

"I find it hard to write this letter as i feeel i may repeat what has been said already. But, i need to write this.

I am sorry that i have allowed you to feel unloved and unwanted I never meant for this to happen. I have loved you, i do love you and i will always love you.

I understand that you think i should not change to suit you, but this is something that must be done. I know i am not the man today that you once loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with, but i do want to be that man again.

I know you need to move so you have the space to contemplate your next step, whether to continue with our marraige and work on our problems or seperate and try to find happiness elsewhere. I hate that i have drove you to this in the first place. I am willing to accept your decision, no matter how much this may hurt both of us and i know this may take some time.

I also wanted to appologise for my attitude to this. I have allowed my anger, at allowing you to feel like this and that i have no control over what happens next, to take over. There is no excuse for this, just regret, as this may have made your mind up for you.

I want you to be happy, and i would love tto be the peson that makes you feel that way.

I know that over the coming weeks or months, that you are going to find your decision hard and i cannot help you wwith that now, as you are the only one that can decide.

BUT

If you are feeeling allone or unloved or anything, i will be there for you. So please don't shut me out.

All my love"


I want my wife to come back to me. We have been togeter for 13 years and maried for 5. I want to make us the happiest people alive and have a family with her. I don't now if that is ggoing to be possible.

I will ccontinue to post here until the bitter end should it ccome. Please feel free to reply to my messages, as your comments are inspiring and helpful. Although, please share your comments based on both sides.

Sorry to hear that. I know you are looking for help here, but I can't help to say that this is pathetic. I mean seriously, love letters? I don't know about you people, but I would assume women like messed up men. Come on "inspiring and helpful"?

I always believe action>words. Seriously man up to do something or just let it go and be bitter. If the method you used is not working, try something else.

But really you shoulkd know what to do, I don't know your wife. I'm not married or professor in relationship, but this is my first glance from your post. I do apologize if I made it worst, but really, there're few options to pick from.

Whatever really, good luck.

bryonb

Thank you "Been there this year" and "midlandsmissus".

To Been there this year, i have asked her if there is anyone else and she has said there is not. While she has said this i do feel that she has spoken with someone that has turned her head. I also fear that i may know this person. If that is the case, i do not know how i will react.

To midlandsmissus, i wrote the letter before i knew she was not coming home to pack before i went to work. I felt that a letter was a better option tham saying it to her face. It was the only letter i have wrote in all our time together and it was hard. I hope she can understand from the letter that i will do anything to repair the damage ddone. However, i am not going to pursue her fort her decision. This is ssomethis that can not be russhed. i know the common recurrence of this thread is to get on with my life because i may not get her back and i my need to deal with that, but I will not be able to continue without her. I have just come home from work and i feel dead knowing that she is not even in the house.

I want her so much that i cannot sleep enough or eat enough to sustain a normal life. I have lost a stone and a half already. This is slowly killing me and sometimes i wish it would.

AnnyHallsal

bryonb wrote: »

i know the common recurrence of this thread is to get on with my life because i may not get her back and i my need to deal with that, but I will not be able to continue without her. I have just come home from work and i feel dead knowing that she is not even in the house.

I want her so much that i cannot sleep enough or eat enough to sustain a normal life. I have lost a stone and a half already. This is slowly killing me and sometimes i wish it would.

Bryonb, I've never been married but I have felt like this at the end of relationships and, no matter of what becomes of your marriage, this itself is not right. You sound like you have very low self esteem and you need to regain a positive sense of self. If you see yourself in a better light I'm sure your wife will too. Focus on your good points - you come across as a kind, loving man, for example - and try to accept that you can continue without her, that you are worthwhile alone, and that there is a future for you as an interesting and independent man, whatever becomes of your marriage.

Hope it works out.

bryonb

i feel :mad::o because i cannot do anything right!!!!!!

AnnyHallsal

You can't, and that's why you have to give her space and focus on yourself and things you like for a while. You can't control her feelings, make her love you, or appreciate your efforts. But you can work on making yourself stronger and happier.

Moomoo1

let's not dwell on the letter: what's done is done. She knows how you feel, so you can get on with living her life without her for the immediate future.

bryonb

Tonight is the first night i had time to miss my wife since she left. It may sound sad but i have spent alot of my time in tears. I am using this thread to air the pain i am feeling. I accept the advice rcieved from everyone, but i need to post because, i am unable to speak with my friends and family, because they are unable offer the comfort i require.

I have spent the night thinking that the pain i am feeling would match that of the pain had she passed away. I am thinking of all the times we had and the loss of the times in the future. I know there is a small bit of hope she will come back, but i will then live in fear that she may try this again. I do want her back and i can live with the fear, but i can not live with the idea that she may share a life and family with someone else. I want our family and i want her.

LegacyUser

BryonB

As I said earlier I know what your going thru as your posts are bringing me back to where I ws 7 years ago this weekend. Up to this year I would have run away from this thread as it would have wrecked my head.
Firstly its OK TO CRY, Scream what ever you want. Just stay strong. The feeling that it would be the same if your OH passed away is a very common one. I went thru this. Just remember the most important person right now is YOU.
Your Family , OK they may not totally understand what you are going thru but they are there for you do not shut them out.
For Your sake become a selfish B**T**d for the next few weeks and Look after Yourself. Talk to anyone of your Family/Friends who will listen.
Set yourself a goal each day of getting some exercise( I know it feels like the last thing you need) so as your body will over rule the head and you will eat.
If you have to, go to your GP and get something to help you to get to sleep.
Think of it like this If you dont eat and dont sleep why would your OH come back to someone who has let themselves waste away while she has been gone.
By being Strong you will show you are willing to fight for what you want.

YOU are the important one here and now.
Take Care

CDfm

I read your story OP and it is sad and I feel for you. I am divorced and went thru a lot of this years ago

I dont know if she is justified or not but you are the OP and not her.

You kind of should not be going through this on your own and if you have a best friend or family member ask them to call around to you. they dont have to do anything but everyone needs support. It will help and it does work because if you have gotten isolated in a relationship then being alone is stupid.

I have become a right wuss and have a close circle of friends nowdays and have the odd bitch and moan and it keeps me grounded.

OP -when someone does stuff like this it is like they have a plan but you are a person and are entitled to the same respect etc as them and you do not have to go along with it on their terms but can have some of your own.

The other issue is well you may want your space too and have you considered changing the locks as freedom and space works both ways. You wont have keys to hers so there is no reason for her to have keys to yours. I think you should and its what I would do.It takes back some control. You should also have freedom to have who you want in and privacy.

Are you sure you are not being manipulated here and is what she is saying and doing reasonable.This could be emotional blackmail and you are being held to account for stuff that you know nothing about -you are not solely responsible for her unhappiness.

Check this out.

http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/EmotionalBlackmail.html


Check out the website www.amen.ie and maybe give their support numbers a call as you need support.

If she wont do councelling for you as a couple then maybe you should do it for you.

There are a few books you might get and they are around a tenner each
http://www.thatbitchbook.com/ and this book Emotional Blackmail By Susan Forward http://astore.amazon.com/ouofthfo-20/detail/0060928972/104-1992660-8153544

both are getable in Easons.

An obvious question that you will need to address is is there someone else and if she is moving out to live as a single person then that is a different matter. If she has another relationship or a fling will you want her back. You will need to discuss this with someone.

Best of luck.

EDIT - take care of yourself too that you have not become depressed and visit a GP if need be. That means eating correctly. not being isolated , a bit of exercise, eating properly and not drinking too much.

bryonb

I wonder what she is up to but i dont think she has another fella CDfm. However, if i do find out she has been carrying on with some else, either now or why she is out of the maritail home, i will not take her back. This is not what i want for us.

Today, i will spend another night of missing her relentlessly. I want to get on with my life, but this is with her. I need to rectify this and make her happy. I hate what this is doing to her and me. I feel so alone. I want to talk to friends and family but i just cant. I am weaiting on an appointment with a counsellor and the sooner the better, because i dont know how much more i can take.

midlandsmissus

bryonb wrote: »

I wonder what she is up to but i dont think she has another fella CDfm. However, if i do find out she has been carrying on with some else, either now or why she is out of the maritail home, i will not take her back. This is not what i want for us.

Today, i will spend another night of missing her relentlessly. I want to get on with my life, but this is with her. I need to rectify this and make her happy. I hate what this is doing to her and me. I feel so alone. I want to talk to friends and family but i just cant. I am weaiting on an appointment with a counsellor and the sooner the better, because i dont know how much more i can take.

Hey ByronB, what I said earlier was not: a way of letiing her go, it's a way of getting her back.
I know how women think.
If she thinks you're there crying into your pillow over her, she will think 'hmm I have the option of going back but I have other options', so no matter how upset you are don't plead with her to come back.
Cut off contact totally (this will be temporary), give her time to miss YOU. When she doesn't hear from you she will wonder what you are doing and will contact you.

I feel you. Be strong. Give her a little space for a while and then see what happens

CDfm

bryonb wrote: »

I wonder what she is up to but i dont think she has another fella CDfm. However, if i do find out she has been carrying on with some else, either now or why she is out of the maritail home, i will not take her back. This is not what i want for us.

I am not saying she is - but if you are seperating and have a joint mortgage and bills to be paid then that is an issue she cant walk away from.

You have not mentioned anything you are supposed to have done and I am not so sure you have done anything wrong.

Today, i will spend another night of missing her relentlessly. I want to get on with my life, but this is with her. I need to rectify this and make her happy. I hate what this is doing to her and me. I feel so alone. I want to talk to friends and family but i just cant. I am weaiting on an appointment with a counsellor and the sooner the better, because i dont know how much more i can take.

Correction you hate what this is doing to you and to keep her happy you are prepared to do most things.

I know you love her and miss her and she probably knows that too.

bryonb

I spoke with my wife for the first time today since she left. She wants to meet later thid week to dicuss whats happening. This is good for her as she id the one setting the agenda. I have no idea what is happening.

CDfm

OP you must have an idea of what she is saying you have done or are respsoinsible for ? Do you know what these are and are they valid or true -reasonable or unreasonable.

Dont you think you should ask her ?

bryonb

CDfm, i have explained what appears to be the main reasons this has all come to a head in a previus post but i will explain thse again for you.

"I have been unattentive. When my wife was going out for a night i wouldn't comment on how nice she looked. (she always looks nice). I was asked previously if there was a specific issue that i would be responsible for like an addiction or cheating, or lack of sexual interest on your part, it was a lack of sexual interest. Yes i know that this is my problem. Its is not that i do not fancy her, she is the most beautiful person i have ever met, including personallity. I felt that i was not good enough for her. I felt old, unattractive and fat. This destroyed my selfconfidence and i was afraid to take control of our sex life. While this was an issue on my part, she is conservitive when it comes to sex. This is for the bedroom only. The only time she would try to have some sex was if she was out and had some drink on her (i don't mean this to sound harsh)."

There are other things, these include a lack of ambition and thinks like not suggesting we go out for an evening afetr wwork instead of sharing our company at home. Now for the company at home, sshe has said that i should be sitting beside her or we should be laying in each others laps.

I have tried discussing her concerns but she has said that she needs time to clear her head. when one is not willing to talk, how do you repair the damage. I suggested counselling and this is not an easy suggestion for me as i find that type of thing akward because i am not good with expressing my feelings. however, she has a strong dislike for these as she likens them to fortune tellers (thinking they will advise us on staying together and what we will be like in the future). I have told (text because i was giving her space and i knew i would break down if i talked to her) her that we may have an appointment later this week as we are waiting on a cancellation, but she sent a reply stating that "she was not like me when it comes to that". What more can i do to rectify this. I am losing her and if i din't have work to get up for, i pprobably wouldn't get up at all.

CDfm

bryonb so you are a bit reserved maybe there are things you dont like about yourself appearence wise and clothes wise.

She married you and you probably looked largely the same. It didnt stop you asking her out or going on dates. You probably took more care of your appearence so why not do so now.

But do it for you.

I always tell my partner when she looks well, pecks on cheek and so what of it.

So maybe before you meet your wife you spruce up and tell her how will she looks. People love getting compliments and the odd bunch of shop bought flowers or small gift. You open your mouth and say hey "I have always liked the way you look in that dress".You think these things so why not say them.

Maybe its silly but even a walk on the pier with a bag of chips can be an event.


Now, maybe she is a drama queen , I dont know, but these are small things but they are hard if you feel stupid doing them.

bryonb

I am so nervious today, because my wife is calling to discuss our relationship. I am not sure what way our converstaion is going to go. She may be calling out to tell me that she has had enough time to think about our situation and has decided that she has had enough, collects the last of her stuff and leaves. If this happens, i do know what to do. I want her to see that i love her and i want her to be happy, but i can be the person that will do this for her. I hope that she can see this and gives our marraige the second chance it deserves.

I feel completely helpless as she is controling everything and if she has chosen not to listen to my needs and feelings, i have no options left.

bryonb

My wife called after she finished work. I was brave enough to ask if she was coming to end our marraige and i got the answer, yes she was. What type of person gives up on a marraige without even trying to see if there is a way around the mess it is in. She would not listen to what i thought was reason and she willl not conssider counselling. If i could have hit her i would, but i am not that type of persson. Now i have to find myself and start to disect what is left. Who gets what and is there life after this. I don't feel that there is. Right now if i found out that i was going to die i would ask for the quickest way possible.

Stheno

Personally I think the question you asked was too direct, and rather confrontational, whilst firmly placing the ball in her court.

Given the answer you got, I'm not surprised she didn't listen to your reason. In the situation you are in, you would imo, need to be very open to deep personal criticism of what may seem trivial to you but is a deal breaker for another person.

Do you think you could have a more open ended conversation with your wife or is this firmly a case of "i don't love you anymore and don't want to be with you" regardless?

If that's the case then you need to grieve for that relationship and move on albeit with the hassle of seperation and divorce (I recommend mediation btw), and you must give yourself time to do this.

If it's not then be prepared to be open, to listen, take on board, and action those criticisms that may be valid from anothers perspective, but expect it to work both ways.

Good luck either way.

CDfm

bryonb wrote: »

My wife called after she finished work. I was brave enough to ask if she was coming to end our marraige and i got the answer, yes she was. What type of person gives up on a marraige without even trying to see if there is a way around the mess it is in. She would not listen to what i thought was reason and she willl not conssider counselling. If i could have hit her i would, but i am not that type of persson. Now i have to find myself and start to disect what is left. Who gets what and is there life after this. I don't feel that there is. Right now if i found out that i was going to die i would ask for the quickest way possible.

OP talking about hitting someone is silly and even though you feel that way it is not good to get into confrontation. If you feel this way and act on it you will find yourself in court and rightly so.

Is there a way you can postpone the meeting until your frame of mind improves.

I am going to repeat what I posted earlier and ask if you have been in touch with friends and family.

bryonb

To Stheno, i understand the question was direct, but i couldn't sit there talking about our marraige with that in my head the whole time. I feel that she has taken our marraige and flushed it down the toilet. When we stood at the alter we promised for "better or worse". I meant what i had said and it is clear from her actions that she did not. I would do everything and anything to show that i love her with all my heart and all my soul but she is trampling on this. Why?. She has said that we have been friends for so long that she does not want to lose this. How can i be friends with her when i can't handle the though of another person, (whom i possibly will know due to the type of work i was/am in), with her. I am looking at moving country to get away from this.

Stheno, i dont understand your abrevations "btw" and "imo", please explain these?

To CDfm, While i did want to punch her, i do have to much respect for myself to allow that to happen. You ask about postponing our meeting until i am in a better frame of mind, i presume you mean about who gets what. I dont want to have that meeting because while she has ended our marraige, i still have some hope that she will come to her senses, no matter how pathic that sounds. And if we have that meeting there is no possible hope of repairing the damage. She does not seem to understand that while i would not hurt myself, she is doing the damage that is killing me. I don't want to live my life without her. Yes, i have sspoken with friends and family, but i cannot tell them exactly how i am feeling because they will worry that i will hurt myself or worse. Again i am not a coward and will not do that.

CDfm

OP - you need to chilll and thats why I said postpone. You say you hope she comes to her senses and that means that she does what you want her to do and you are blaming her for doing the damage.

She has gone because she is unhappy -so doing things your way did not work for her. It may be when you suggest counselling she hears " do it my way" whereas you are not used to asking her what she would like and trying things her way. Its like saying what defines fun.

The other thing is that you are unable to tell your family and friends how you feel when you feel crap about this and you are not able to tell give her compliments. Its like two sides of the same coin. You come across as resistant to change.

So when I said postpone I meant being able to talk to her nicely without blaming her and getting into negotiation mode. Love is not a negotiation. I don't think you see that and you may be afraid to discuss things with family etc because they might tell you you can be a bit of a hardass but it looks like even at this stage you are not prepared to take her comments on board..

It looks like that to me.

bryonb

CDfm, i have listened to her and i have understood what the promlems with our marraige is. While i know that she is the cause of some, so am i. I didn't mean it to sound like i was blaming her for all of this. But, i feel that because she allows herself to bottle up these feelings until bursting point and then lets loose, i need to blame her for not allowing us the chance to resolve the problems. Like i sai in th previous post, we made vows which included for better or worse and i feel the she bail once the "for worse" happend. While i have been talking with family and friends, i have told them all the truth, which means that i am not blameless in this mess, but i know where my faults are and am willing to change them for the better.

I told her that i wanted to do counselling because it would alllow both of us to reach a decision and i have told her that it scares me to suggest that because the end result may be the same, that our marraige is over.

As i said in previous theads, i am aware that i have hurt my wife thought the actions i have taken, both before this came to a head and afetr. I can't change my ignorance but i can make it up to her. All i want to do is be given that chance.

CDfm

bryonb wrote: »

CDfm, i have listened to her and i have understood what the promlems with our marraige is. While i know that she is the cause of some, so am i. I didn't mean it to sound like i was blaming her for all of this. But, i feel that because she allows herself to bottle up these feelings until bursting point and then lets loose, i need to blame her for not allowing us the chance to resolve the problems.

I did not mean you are the cause of all the problems. Mostly its a split down the middle. Maybe you guys are now tied financially with mortgage and the like and those issues need discussing and mortgages and bills still need to be paid even if she has stopped living with you.

Its not all one way but you do need to be addressing thingsfor yourself.

Like i sai in th previous post, we made vows which included for better or worse and i feel the she bail once the "for worse" happend.

You dont seriously believe that -do you.

While i have been talking with family and friends, i have told them all the truth, which means that i am not blameless in this mess, but i know where my faults are and am willing to change them for the better

What you need family and friends for is enotional support

I told her that i wanted to do counselling because it would alllow both of us to reach a decision and i have told her that it scares me to suggest that because the end result may be the same, that our marraige is over

Thats out of your hands. I hope you dont mind me saying that all the communication you have been having is about stuff being over because if I wanted to meet with someone I would meet for coffee and ask them how they had been and ask about their day etc. I would not do deep.

As i said in previous theads, i am aware that i have hurt my wife thought the actions i have taken, both before this came to a head and afetr. I can't change my ignorance but i can make it up to her. All i want to do is be given that chance.

You may not get that chance as she has to want it too. However, there is no time like the present to spruce up and be positive.

bryonb

to CDfm, I know ther is some major talking require when our financial responsibilities are concerned, but she has said that she now needs some space, so these can't be addressed at the moment.

In relation to the vows we made, While i am not what you would call a practising catholic, i do believe that you cannot enter marriage without have the correct respect for what you are doing. So i do belive that efforts should be made on both sides to do what was promiised.

I would love to be able to rely on my friends and family for the emotional support i need, this is not what i would recieve. Therefore, i am going to go to the counselling sessions alone for my own sanity.

I would alsso like to be able to remain positive in the posssible future we may have but i feel that she has closed the door on us due to the cold way in which she is dealing with this. I wouls love to meet her for coffee or the likes but my heart wwould seee this in the incorrect way and i know she will feel that sshe is giving false hope (as she has made a like comment).

CDfm

OP - I don't know what to say to you but you and your wife seem to be living a double life and not facing up to things.

From her point of view she feels she can walk away from the marriage and yes she can, but seperation and divorce is not about apportioning blame -it is about regulating property issues and financial responsibilities which have arisen from the marriage. So if she needs a break she needs to address these issues.

If you have had financial problems and your wife is adamant that she wants to break up then those issues need to be addressed and as someone else suggested mediation is a very good non confrontational way of doing this.It is also free and if money is a major issue contact MABS www.mabs.ie and the Family Mediation Service http://www.fsa.ie/


From your point of view you seem to be going to counselling for emotional support rather than with a particular objective. Macho stuff like not telling your closest friend or family that life is not great for you at the moment and that your marriage is on the rocks is something you need help with. I would find it odd not talking to my best friend if I was dealing with a difficult situation not just for their support but for their insight into me and an alternative and clearer view on it. Or indeed , not wanting to talk over the financials is living in "cloud cuckoo land".

Thats the part you seem to have difficulty with and dealing with the reality of what is rather than how you would like it to be.

Maybe you need to sit down for coffee with your wife and have an adult chat and listen to her but not make demands on her emotionally. Discussing attending mediation to sort out the financials and not let them get into a mess or more of a mess could be a very productive move by you and be seen as such by her.

bryonb

Thanks for the links CDfm. I will contact these and ask for their help in cclearing up some of this messs.

CDfm

bryonb wrote: »

Thanks for the links CDfm. I will contact these and ask for their help in cclearing up some of this messs.

That is a start -now I dont know your wife or you but whatever way it goes debts will have to be paid and mediation is cheaper than lawyers.

So together or apart these issues need to be addressed & financially you are linked for a while.

Best of luck OP

Mighty_Mouse

She might even of meant it but situations change.
A marriage is not a commitment to remain married even if it's making one person miserable.

I would do everything and anything to show that i love her with all my heart and all my soul but she is trampling on this. Why?.

Love doesnt work in one direction.

She has said that we have been friends for so long that she does not want to lose this. How can i be friends with her

You can't. It doesnt work when one person has romantic feelings towards the other. Again she's trying to be as gentle with you as possible.

I am looking at moving country to get away from this.

Not a bad idea. A year travelling could do wonders.
Or a year working for a charity abroad?
Visit places which make you appreciate the world/life......see 1st hand how the worlds poor struggle will put your personal problems in perspective.

i still have some hope that she will come to her senses, no matter how pathic that sounds.

She won't. If she has gone the legal route then get a lawyer quick or else you'll come out of this emotional state 1 year from now heart-broken, financially broken & paying for your ex-wife & her boyfriend to enjoy life in your house whilst you scrape by in a bedsit somewhere.
This person who you felt closest to in the world will possible become a stranger to you over the next 6 months.
Speak to as many smart men who have been through it before. Learn all the tricks necessary. If you can resolve it amicably good but get your house in order quick.

johnr1

Hey Bryon, Sorry to hear of your situation.
Having been through seperation (mutual decision) a couple of years ago, I want to add my voice to the poster who said get a good lawyer.
I felt that as two rational sensible people we could work things out amicablly and discarded the advice of a friend who said 'get a good laywer and go after what's yours'. How right he was. You will unfortunately see a whole new side to your wife quite soon. Three years on, it has settled down a bit but it ALWAYS gets nasty for a while.
I won't offer advice on the emotional aspects of your relationship because I think almost every situation is different and besides, I don't really have an opinion.
Just look after yourself, don't expect your wife to treat you fairly and if she does then great, itl be easier to put it all behind you.
Good luck.

bryonb

To Mighty_Mouse, I understand that you are not trying to be harsh with your words, but when all is said and done, i cannot give up just yet. I do have to hold on to the hope that she will change her mind.

I will seek legal advice as the last 2 posters have suggested, but not because i want to screw her but that i get a clearer understanding of what the requirements are to go forward.

CDfm

bryonb wrote: »

To Mighty_Mouse, I understand that you are not trying to be harsh with your words, but when all is said and done, i cannot give up just yet. I do have to hold on to the hope that she will change her mind.

I will seek legal advice as the last 2 posters have suggested, but not because i want to screw her but that i get a clearer understanding of what the requirements are to go forward.

That is a good way to go forward and hope for the best but prepare for the worst. It law and accountancy its called being "prudent".

bryonb

I have a new goal in lfe. "ME". I have been thinking of my wife for too long in the current situation, now its time to play the game at her level. I feel that all i have said and done has been to keep her happy but she does not recognise this. So, no more mr. nice guy. Time for me to consider number one. I have accused her of having an affair because i feel that she is. She has denied this ofcourse, but, i know she is hiding something. After thinking about the number of time she has stayed out and the number of texts she used to recieve while we were at home, an affair is the only conclusion i can reach to wy she was so closed of to trying to fix our problems. l am meeting her during the week to discuss everything, so i have given her time to prrepare her lies. I hope they are convincing because, i know more that she thinks.

IrishEyes19

bryonb wrote: »

I have a new goal in lfe. "ME". I have been thinking of my wife for too long in the current situation, now its time to play the game at her level. I feel that all i have said and done has been to keep her happy but she does not recognise this. So, no more mr. nice guy. Time for me to consider number one. I have accused her of having an affair because i feel that she is. She has denied this ofcourse, but, i know she is hiding something. After thinking about the number of time she has stayed out and the number of texts she used to recieve while we were at home, an affair is the only conclusion i can reach to wy she was so closed of to trying to fix our problems. l am meeting her during the week to discuss everything, so i have given her time to prrepare her lies. I hope they are convincing because, i know more that she thinks.

OP, sorry to hear of your situation, but staying out late and texts are not a basis to accuse an affair on someone, particularly since from a woman's point of view, she could be texting her friends and going over to their for support, it's what I would be doing I'd assume if I was in that situation. And unless you have hard core evidence that she is having an affair its a dangerous thing to accuse someone of and will not repair the damage already done. Going into this meeting with the idea that she is "preparing her lies," is already a negative approach to discussing this and you wont get anywhere if you do that. You need to go in with a level and clear head and a wish to solve everything maturely.

CDfm

I dont think it is conclusive proof but OP it should not be excluded.

You should not get too ready to accuse in anger as even if it is the case there is little you can do. Part of break up emotions are anger and blame.

Try to focus on what needs to bedone which is the financials and getting her to contribute to the debts and mortgage.

bryonb

IrishEyes19, I know i may have been a rash placing an accusation of this on her but i have checked her place at times that she could not have been at friends. Times she would have to be asleep because she would have work soon after. I could check these because my body is on a different time clock.

I know i could be wrong, but this would go to explaining why our separation was handled with such a clinical approach by her. I hope i am wrong. But i have to be prepared.

I love her. There is nothing i can say that would do justice for the amount of love i have for her. If she has went off with someone, i can and will get past that, if she comes back. It will be harder if she doesn't. Probably because i will feel like i am not good enough. This also worries me.

This has been a hard time for me. I don't like that i have began to think this way but, i have not had any sort of communication from her that would allow me to think differently. I hate that i think like this but my mind has played a number of tricks on me because she has been so clinical. I know she is hurting too, but she is unaware that i am close to the edge. I haven't eaten or sleep properly since this all started. I can't tell her that because i know it would sound like emotional blackmail. She needs to make the decision to come back without this sort of pressure. I don't feel that i have hit rock bottom yet and this scares me because it may push me over the edge.


CDfm, i understand the advice you are giving but, if she is not willing to try to fix our mess (i know we could try and end in the same place), i don't want anything from her. All i will want at that point is her completely out of my life. This will leave me financialy cripled, but i could live with that. I would find a way to survive.