Wife wants a third baby, I dont

BoardsMember

So this is the situation: we have two boys, a 5 year old and a two year old. My wife wants a third child, I dont. I've always said that come the time, if she really wants a third then I'll go for it. But now that conversation is near & present, and the thought of it terrifies me.

Ok, so terrify is a bit strong. I love my kids, love spending time with them, I'm a pretty involved Dad. Our first was a dream, great sleeper / eater / calm baby. Our second was the complete opposite.

I'll try and set out my reasons for not wanting a third, as much for my own benefit as anyone elses, and maybe so that people can set me straight if they are mad reasons:

• we're just getting back to a normal life after a torrid first year with number two
• we're really happy and able to manage with 2 (most of the time!)
• wife has had 2 sections, will 99% likely have to have a third section
• financially we're getting by now, but only just, a third child would be an additional expense
• my job is not that secure, not too happy about having a third child when this is the case
• wife approaching 40, chances of "not normal" baby increased, which would completely change our future

Basically, I am happy with our lot and just dont see the need for a third. But my wife has the idea that a family of three kids is much better than two. She's from a family of two, I'm one of three. She'd also like a daughter, which I totally understand.

I think we'll continue to talk about it, I'll basically be trying to second guess her reasons & point out reasons for against having another, but all the time I know that if she really does want to go for it I'll support her. I'm sure if she gets pregnant then we'd just both look forward to the arrival and get on with it, but I'd prefer to leave well alone.

So has anyone else been at this crossroads? I'd be really interested to hear peoples' views if they have anything contructive to offer. Are there valid arguments one way or another, or does it just boil down to: one parent wants another, the other doesnt, one has to get their way.

BoardsMember

Thanks thaedydal, sorry, thought it was in the Parenting forum?

Nevyn

Sorry I had PI and parenting open site by side, guess I should go have another cup of coffee

littlebug

We would have been at similar ages and stage when needed to decide on having a third or not. That said, we had always said we'd have two but I did start to get a bit broody at about 37/ 38 but any mention of another one led to such a look of horror on my husbands face that I didn't push the issue! A couple of years later and I (we) love the freedom of not having babies/ toddlers. Being in our 40s now and having time and energy for ourselves and hobbies is wonderful.
I do sometimes wonder what another child would have been like but more in a curious than a yearning way.
Our reasons against were similar to yours but maybe in different order.
1. Risks (already had one premature baby so that in itself was a risk factor as well as age related risks).
2. As well as health risks to me/ baby we couldn't risk having another one that didn't sleep and cried constantly for 1.5 years or more for fear of nervous/ marital breakdown.
3. Finance: things were just settling again financially and another one would rock that boat big time... not in how much it would cost but lack of my earnings though we would have managed.

So all quite similar to you with the exception of me being for the most part in agreement on not having another child. Having a girl and boy already probably made it easier. All of that said if we'd had another we'd have been grand I'm sure. As a women I can say that when those instincts kick in they can be hard to suppress Why don't you and your wife sit down together and write out lists of pros and cons as above to get a good understanding of the others point of view.
I do think it should be a joint decision rather than one person getting their own way.

BoardsMember

Thanks for taking the time to respond littlebug. I'll work on the look of horror for my face and see if that helps change her mind

Seriously though, I think it is only going to go one way, i.e. her way. If we already had a girl and a boy I dont think this would be an issue. This is understandable, but also raises alarm bells - if we have another boy, another one who doesn't sleep & cries all the time and can never be put down etc I dont know if either of us would handle it very well. The strain that change would put on us, not to mention the ongoing financial strain, as well as the other things like cost of holidays, hassle of going anywhere and doing anything etc.

gbee

• wife approaching 40, chances of "not normal" baby increased, which would completely change our future.

And with the history you already have, I'd be worried. I'd not recommend going further.

I think it's a case of pushing your luck.

I've five grown up children now, great, but I wanted to stop at two, too, I was tricked by my wife ... but then again my wife was only 30 on her last baby.

Nevyn

I'm only 35 I could have more but two was more then enough esp when the youngest started school, I just could not go back and do the sleepless nights and nappies ect again.
I know I have of late gotten broody a handful of times but I have nieces and friends are starting to have kids.

Got handed a 9 week old for a squeeze a few weeks back and the feel of him in my arms and the baby smell and the tiny hands had me go slightly gooey but then I remembered the stress and smell of soiled nappys and baby vomit so I handed him back to his Mam.

So do you know anyone with a 1 year old or under who'd lend it to you that you could offer to mind for the day?

BoardsMember

Thaedydal wrote: »

So do you know anyone with a 1 year old or under who'd lend it to you that you could offer to mind for the day?

The only one I know of is a 6 month old. A girl. And she is the most placcid thing on earth, not the "spoiler" I am looking for. A lot of our friends have had kids around the same time as us, but nobody has a third. Yet.

Penny Lane

It's a tough situation, I mean you can't go halves on a child! I think the best ye can do is go at it from the logical point of view and do a pro's and con's list.

BoardsMember

Penny Lane wrote: »

It's a tough situation, I mean you can't go halves on a child! I think the best ye can do is go at it from the logical point of view and do a pro's and con's list.

That's a sensible suggestion alright. Without pre-empting the outcome, she'll accept all my cons, and I'll accept her pro's. It's pretty much where we're at based on conversations to date!

OS119

Penny Lane wrote: »

It's a tough situation, I mean you can't go halves on a child! I think the best ye can do is go at it from the logical point of view and do a pro's and con's list.

the only pro's and con's that matter - once you know you can have a child, and can feed it and house it - are 'do you want a child?'.

Him.
Pro's: it would make wife happy (assuming they had a daughter?)
cons: he doesn't want one.

Her.
Pro's: she wants one.
cons: it would make husband unhappy.

as you say, there's no middle ground, there's no compromise - not only will one party win, but the other will lose - and in a big way.

unfortunately its unlikely to be a 'stand-alone' issue within the marriage - is the marriage strong enough to cope with one side not getting what they really, really want (child/no child) by the other side, is the desire to have/not to have another child so strong that one side or the other might deceive the other in order to get what they want, is it just going to degenerate into a nightmare of bitterness and recrimination?

OP, something someone with few scruples might suggest to you to have a vasectomy and just fail to tell your wife - you could then pretend to be persuaded to her point of view, go at it hammer and tongs and just not produce the goods. everyone would be happy(ish), you're happy that you didn't have a third child, she's happy that you gave it a go.

of course i'd never suggest deception/white lie as an answer to your problem, but i don't think there is a good answer to your problem...

Stheno

Have you tried being less wishy washy in talking to her?

Have you actually said all of what you have said above, in very clear terms? I.e. I do not want another baby for x y and z reasons?

BoardsMember

@OS119 - re the vasectomy, I was joking with her about it last night, not really a path I'd like to go down vis a vis "open-ness & tranparency"!!

@Stheno - I haven't been wishy washy talking to her at all, I have said all the above and more.

The reason I posted this is to see had other people been in similar situations, or if they could provide constructive advice/reaction to our situation. It was not to use Boards as a way to get this all off my chest, while my wife remains ignorant to my feelings.

I would not see myself as losing if we end up having a kid, it will not jeopardise the marriage whichever way we decide this, because it will be decided upon together.

Nevyn

Well if she wants another child and you don't want to gamble on the dna issues or her health with the sections and how hard the first 6 months can be, why not consider fostering?

BoardsMember

Thaedydal wrote: »

Well if she wants another child and you don't want to gamble on the dna issues or her health with the sections and how hard the first 6 months can be, why not consider fostering?

I dont see us as foster parents to be honest. I also think she really wants another baby, her own baby.

Khannie

Some other things to consider:

The 3rd is harder than the first two IMO. I was warned about this in advance and thought it would be nonsense. "ah sure it's just another one". Nope. A few doors get closed when you have 3 kids. Mostly on the babysitting front. Holidaying becomes more difficult too (not so many 2+3 holidays available).

I didn't really want another baby when we went for number 3. It was a compromise. Wife wanted a baby and I wanted to wait a while. She's a stay at home mum and knew that the majority of the burden would fall on her (I have to train in the evenings quite a bit, though this will come to an end in the next 2 years or so), so I thought about it for a bit and we went for it. While it's been tough there's no way I'd go back. Sure there are downsides, but the positives outweigh them for me. We'll face a similar predicament to you in a few years. We'll go again in about 18 months I'd say. The big question will come at around 38 ish on whether or not we want number 5. It's looking highly likely that she wont and I will.

OS119 wrote: »

the only pro's and con's that matter - once you know you can have a child, and can feed it and house it - are 'do you want a child?'.

Him.
Pro's: (assuming they had a daughter?)
cons: he doesn't want one.

Her.
Pro's: she wants one.
cons: it would make husband unhappy.

as you say, there's no middle ground, there's no compromise - not only will one party win, but the other will lose - and in a big way.

I think it's more nuanced than that..... It's not an even sense of loss for both sides:

If they have a baby, she's happy and he will get some joy from the baby too and will love it unconditionally. That just happens, except in a very small number of cases. It *may* make the husband unhappy, but it doesn't sound like a given based on what I've read. If they don't have the baby, she will definitely be unhappy, the extent of which is difficult to gauge in advance.

BoardsMember

@Khanie - thanks for taking them time to post that, it pretty much hits the nail on the head. I have told her that the 3rd is quite a bit harder, I know this from colleagues that have third babies. She's actually not 100% sure that she wants one, but is pretty close. She can see the downsides, but she doesn't want to reach mid forties and then realise it is something she really wants and cant change it.

She'd obviously prefer a daughter, we both would, but she wont be disappointed with a son. As you sya, I'll deffo love a baby if we have it, but I also think that she wont be desperately unhappy if she doesn't have one, she'll just get on with it.

One other thing that has just come to mind, 2 is ok to give to grandparents, 3 is a bit much. Another "con" for me!!

LashingLady

Oh my goodness I am two weeks off having my second and I hope that I don't get broody for a third, I'm definitely stoppoing at 2 and I'm only 31!

But that said I have a feeling that when this baby gets to 4 or 5 I could possibly be yearning for another one, but I kinda know that my husband would definitely not be into the idea, and I really think that the fact that this one is a girl and I have a boy already would stop me from pushing the issue.

There just seems to be something about mothers and daughters, especially if your wife has a close relationship with her own mother, it's something that a lot of women want to experience for themselves.

I think you kinda know that if your wife REALLY REALLY wants to try for another one then it's a want that's going to be there and not go away, and as you say, once baby arrives you'll be delighted with them too. But I can only imagine the apprehension when you've already had a "difficult" baby second time round (our first wasn't a sleeper so hoping by the laws of averages that this one will be, fingers crossed....)

BoardsMember

LashingLady wrote: »

There just seems to be something about mothers and daughters, especially if your wife has a close relationship with her own mother, it's something that a lot of women want to experience for themselves.

She does, incredibly close.

LashingLady wrote: »

I think you kinda know that if your wife REALLY REALLY wants to try for another one then it's a want that's going to be there and not go away, and as you say, once baby arrives you'll be delighted with them too. But I can only imagine the apprehension when you've already had a "difficult" baby second time round (our first wasn't a sleeper so hoping by the laws of averages that this one will be, fingers crossed....)

good luck!! and bookmark this post for whenever you get broody in the future

Khannie

BoardsMember wrote: »

One other thing that has just come to mind, 2 is ok to give to grandparents, 3 is a bit much. Another "con" for me!!

Yeah, that's what I meant by the babysitting bit. Now our youngfella isn't so young any more, so he's no trouble really. A year from now we may be back into babysitting territory. When number 4 arrives along though at some point in the future I just know that's the end of that.

dr ro

i know 3 families that ended up with 4 boys while trying for a girl after 2 or 3. A lot of tears. Lots. Not really a great reason to keep going, cause 4 boys are a handful!

LashingLady

dr ro wrote: »

i know 3 families that ended up with 4 boys while trying for a girl after 2 or 3. A lot of tears. Lots. Not really a great reason to keep going, cause 4 boys are a handful!

I love my little boy, but I would hate to be the only female in a family of 4 or 5 men! If you do decide to go for it I would give The Shettles Method a good look. In a nutshell you have to monitor ovulation and don't Do the Deed after 3 days prior to ovulation, to try to make sure that the strong but short-lived male sperm are all dead by the time the egg shows up. While I didn't consciously practice this the premise worked for me! (Although I do have a blue babygro packed in the hospital bag just in case the sonographer got it wrong!)

{And thanks for the tip, think I will bookmark this thread!}

cynder

LashingLady wrote: »

I In a nutshell you have to monitor ovulation and don't Do the Deed after 3 days prior to ovulation, to try to make sure that the strong but short-lived male sperm are all dead by the time the egg shows up. !}

Oh yeh worked for me too....

1 girl and 2 boys and no more.


im 30 and my 3rd is a handful he has a speech and language delay, but i wouldnt change him for the world. his 11 year old sister is a bigger handful.

Chuchu

This is an interesting thread, our little one is just gone one and we know we'll be having another in a few years but I'd KILL for a boy this time!! (needless to say would be happy with a healthy happy child though!).
I'd be worried this is exactly what would happen to us after 2 if it was two girls, but as other posters have said 3 really does make a big difference to so many aspects of your life... anyone else have experience of that Shettles method working? Reason I ask is that we thankfully got pregnant easily enough first time so it was only with hindsight I looked at dates and days etc and thought it'd be a boy but it twas a girl (even though she's quite a boisterous one!!:D)
Did anyone see that programme recently about women with from 4 to 10:eek: kids (all boys) that just kept going until they got a girl?? It was nuts!!

cynder

Chuchu wrote: »

This is an interesting thread, our little one is just gone one and we know we'll be having another in a few years but I'd KILL for a boy this time!! (needless to say would be happy with a healthy happy child though!).
I'd be worried this is exactly what would happen to us after 2 if it was two girls, but as other posters have said 3 really does make a big difference to so many aspects of your life... anyone else have experience of that Shettles method working? Reason I ask is that we thankfully got pregnant easily enough first time so it was only with hindsight I looked at dates and days etc and thought it'd be a boy but it twas a girl (even though she's quite a boisterous one!!:D)
Did anyone see that programme recently about women with from 4 to 10:eek: kids (all boys) that just kept going until they got a girl?? It was nuts!!

My husband is the 5th child and the only boy, (wasnt i the evil one taking away their only son:D)

I think 3 is ok 4 would be a bit much as you would have to buy a 7 seater and double up on rooms. We wanted (husband) wanted 5 kids but after the 3rd we are happy. but who knowis 7 years that might change (we are only 30 after all)

Khannie

grindelwald wrote: »

4 would be a bit much as you would have to buy a 7 seater and double up on rooms.

Yeah, the youngfella is a bit squashed in our car at the moment. Wouldn't mind the change to a 7 seater though. I just know I'm gonna be proper broody a year from now.

The room sharing thing I would consider positive to be honest. I was always jealous of siblings who got to do that (I'm the only boy in my family and my sisters are both a good bit older than me). I suppose the grass is always greener.

Craven99

I am in almost exactly the same situation - I have 2 boys (5 and 6) and both have just started school.
My wife has gotten very broody - mainly because of other family members having babies. She was very clear about wanting another child.
I was very happy with what we have - I am also very involved with my boys. I play with them every ebvening, read to them every night - have at least one day of the weekend when we head off together.
My wife did have some pretty serious complication after the last birth which are still effecting her to this day.
So I just sat down with her and was as direct as possible and put my points across. I was happy, we were just beginning to get some time to ourselves again, we were just managing financially and I had no desire to have another one.
She understands but was disappointed which is fair enough. I do also believe part of her desire is that she comes from a family of 2 kids and always wanted more siblings.

BoardsMember

Thanks Craven99, appreciate your response.

Craven99

No worries - was scary how close our situations are!

rachaelf750

I have 2 and my hubby is the one who wants to go again,but I just love our family the way it is.
I will always remeber what a freind said to me,"2 you have a life,3 you have a life sentance" due to the fact that you will never get babysitting for 3 kids outside your family home and you willl deff never have an adults only holiday ever again..EVER;)

kewpiegal

I feel for you! I would hate to be "talked" into a child, maybe you shoukd show her this thread and open real lines of communication. The longer you wait the older you both are getting, and if health issues worry you, then it will only get worse, hope you come to a happy conclusion, best of luck!

cbyrd

We went down this road.. i for 4 years longed for another one.. i thought i'd be happy with my 2 girls but i just really really wanted another one. My husband didnt' so i went along with him.
It eventually made me desperately unhappy, and by extention it made everyone unhappy, so we agreed to try in feb last year.. then my dad got sick in march and we said no we won't cos there's too much going on in my life to cope with a new baby..imagine my surprise in april at the positive pregnancy test!!
Ben is now 8 months old, my girls are 11 and 8, they adore him as does his daddy and our lives are so much better. i've become a stay at home mammy and i love it, going back to the nappies and bottles wasnt' a problem cos this is my son, my child and like the other children i have i would lay down my life for them.
My husbands main reason for not wanting another one was money firstly and time (both of us working full-time) but as i pointed out to him we were broke when we had the first little girl and now we have so much more.
One thing i remember being told was it's better to have one then to regret not having one..
I'm now thinking of a number four... wait til i tell himself!! hahaha:D:D
Good luck with your decision it's not an easy one, just make sure it's one you can both live with..

dan_d

rachaelf750 wrote: »

and you willl deff never have an adults only holiday ever again..EVER;)

Exaggeration??:p I'm the eldest of 4, the youngest is just 19, and my parents have spent the last 3-4 years begging us to go on holidays with them.My parents are now in their mid-fifties. They've been on their own holidays-wise for at least 4 years, and often before that if they went on short breaks.

Finance is fair enough, but there was a whole generation of people in the eighties when things were much worse, and they still had kids....

I'll say no more, as I'm not a parent, but had to just qualify the holidays thing!

PhysiologyRocks

People are also saying that you'll never find a babysitter for three.

I babysat for three from the age of 14 (they were 3,5 and 7) and now often babysit for families with 5 under 5 - and none of these are my family.

I don't have the authority to comment on the rest, though.

BoardsMember

Thanks for all the comments people. I dont thinkeither of us is going to get talked into anything. It is and will be openly discussed, and my wife will be reading this thread too, part of the reason I wanted to start it in the first place.

Re babysitting, I think some people were referring to giving 3 to grandparents being a stretch, 2 is just about all mine would handle anyhow.

Noffles

If you don't want another one... don't have one... it would be a very daft compromise as you'll have to live with it for as long as you live...
When it comes right down to it don't do something you don't want to do! Someone posted above that they wanted one and they were unhappy then they made the whole house unhappy, how completely selfish is this.... self ****ing self... they should think of the whole family not themselves!

BoardsMember

Noffles wrote: »

If you don't want another one... don't have one... it would be a very daft compromise as you'll have to live with it for as long as you live...
When it comes right down to it don't do something you don't want to do! Someone posted above that they wanted one and they were unhappy then they made the whole house unhappy, how completely selfish is this.... self ****ing self... they should think of the whole family not themselves!

It's not quite as straightforward as that. If things stay the way they are now, I get my way and my wife doesn't.

The complexity is that there really is no room for compromise in the traditional sense. So we need to work out how sad she might be with this outcome over time, and evaluate that against how much I dread the idea of having another.

The additional complication is that if we do have a third, it would be unusual if I did not love the baby, so it is not really the case that if we have it that she will be happy and I will be unhapy.

The thing that worries me most is that if we do go ahead with it, and God forbid something happens to her, or that the baby is not 100% healthy & normal, that leaves the potential for a lot of burning resentment at having done something that I felt in my gut all along was not right for us. That's what bothers me most. I can cope with the sleepless nights, the additional cost (we'll find a way of managing), and all the other pressures, hassles & restrictions that a third will bring. But if it completely turns everything upside down by not being normal & healthy then it might cause us serious issues, much as I'd like to believe I would be bigger and beyond that, I could see it niggling away like a splinter over the years.

Noffles

BoardsMember wrote: »

It's not quite as straightforward as that. If things stay the way they are now, I get my way and my wife doesn't.

The complexity is that there really is no room for compromise in the traditional sense. So we need to work out how sad she might be with this outcome over time, and evaluate that against how much I dread the idea of having another.

The additional complication is that if we do have a third, it would be unusual if I did not love the baby, so it is not really the case that if we have it that she will be happy and I will be unhapy.

The thing that worries me most is that if we do go ahead with it, and God forbid something happens to her, or that the baby is not 100% healthy & normal, that leaves the potential for a lot of burning resentment at having done something that I felt in my gut all along was not right for us. That's what bothers me most. I can cope with the sleepless nights, the additional cost (we'll find a way of managing), and all the other pressures, hassles & restrictions that a third will bring. But if it completely turns everything upside down by not being normal & healthy then it might cause us serious issues, much as I'd like to believe I would be bigger and beyond that, I could see it niggling away like a splinter over the years.

It may not be straightforward but in the end, it is black and white... if you have another baby your wife has got waht she wanted and you have not...

But it's easy for me to say it's you who has to deal with it all... good luck with whatever you decide.

littlebug

Noffles wrote: »

It may not be straightforward but in the end, it is black and white... if you have another baby your wife has got waht she wanted and you have not...
.

and if they don't then he has got what he wanted and she has not . I don't know where you see the black and white?

droidman

Just had to reply to this thread - seems like you are in a pickle alright but as regards a vasectomy for anybody considering it - it's not something you could sneak off and do without her knowing as you'll be crippled for a couple of days afterwards and there will be obvious signs - bruising swelling etc - it's not pleasant!

Anyway if you did decide to get one, have some of "the goods" frozen for later. I can only speak from my own terrible experience but we had 2 kids, married for 9 years, both decided not to have anymore for personal and health reasons for her. 6 months after it, she fecked off with the kids, divorce in the works & now I'm back to square one with no kids (save for the usual weekend visits).

So again for anyone considering it, it's a remote chance your marriage could fail but you just never know so take out the insurance policy in case you have to start again with somebody else.

Good luck whatever your decesion!

BoardsMember

droidman wrote: »

Just had to reply to this thread - seems like you are in a pickle alright but as regards a vasectomy for anybody considering it - it's not something you could sneak off and do without her knowing as you'll be crippled for a couple of days afterwards and there will be obvious signs - bruising swelling etc - it's not pleasant!

Anyway if you did decide to get one, have some of "the goods" frozen for later. I can only speak from my own terrible experience but we had 2 kids, married for 9 years, both decided not to have anymore for personal and health reasons for her. 6 months after it, she fecked off with the kids, divorce in the works & now I'm back to square one with no kids (save for the usual weekend visits).

So again for anyone considering it, it's a remote chance your marriage could fail but you just never know so take out the insurance policy in case you have to start again with somebody else.

Good luck whatever your decesion!

Thanks for your post, sorry to hear of your troubles, good luck with the next one if she arrives. I wouldnt do one on the sly myself, that would be a terrible thing to do.

BostonB

Been there not too long ago, and its one of those big decisions you make in life. A fork in the road. Our 3rd was and is the easiest of them all. Mind you we had a few tough years with the others. So it was a tough call. Worried sick yes, but we both wanted to do it. Which is slightly different. Though I suspect, if there was no risk, you'd be all for it. Good luck which ever you decide.

Craven99

As a follow on to my previous reply....

I read that some people think this is one person wins and one person looses situation - I don't agree with that.

As I said I don't want any more kids for a numebr of reasons and my wife does. She understands the situation but would never say she was unhappy or make things awkward as she counts her blessings (as do I) that we have 2 wonderful kids!
Now we had a 'scare' about 9 months ago when we were pretty sure she was pregnant, was my reaction horror or sadness or upset?? No way! A child is a blessing in my mind and I would hate to start off a life by resenting it.
I guess what I am saying that my CHOICE is not to have another child, and I am very happy as things are right now and would not by CHOICE want to change anything.
As I said things are now settling down, my wife and myself get some time together, I can really interact and spend quality time with my children and also have a bit to myself, I would not want to change that but if, by whatever reason my wife got pregnant, then I would adjust and accept that.

BoardsMember

Craven99 wrote: »

As a follow on to my previous reply....

I read that some people think this is one person wins and one person looses situation - I don't agree with that.

As I said I don't want any more kids for a numebr of reasons and my wife does. She understands the situation but would never say she was unhappy or make things awkward as she counts her blessings (as do I) that we have 2 wonderful kids!
Now we had a 'scare' about 9 months ago when we were pretty sure she was pregnant, was my reaction horror or sadness or upset?? No way! A child is a blessing in my mind and I would hate to start off a life by resenting it.
I guess what I am saying that my CHOICE is not to have another child, and I am very happy as things are right now and would not by CHOICE want to change anything.
As I said things are now settling down, my wife and myself get some time together, I can really interact and spend quality time with my children and also have a bit to myself, I would not want to change that but if, by whatever reason my wife got pregnant, then I would adjust and accept that.

I think we're pretty much on the same wavelength to be honest

The Corinthian

gbee wrote: »

I've five grown up children now, great, but I wanted to stop at two, too, I was tricked by my wife ... but then again my wife was only 30 on her last baby.

Seriously, how many times were you 'tricked' by your wife to go from two to five? The expression "fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice shame on me" springs to mind.

cbyrd

Craven99 wrote: »

As a follow on to my previous reply....

I read that some people think this is one person wins and one person looses situation - I don't agree with that.

As I said I don't want any more kids for a numebr of reasons and my wife does. She understands the situation but would never say she was unhappy or make things awkward as she counts her blessings (as do I) that we have 2 wonderful kids!
Now we had a 'scare' about 9 months ago when we were pretty sure she was pregnant, was my reaction horror or sadness or upset?? No way! A child is a blessing in my mind and I would hate to start off a life by resenting it.
I guess what I am saying that my CHOICE is not to have another child, and I am very happy as things are right now and would not by CHOICE want to change anything.
As I said things are now settling down, my wife and myself get some time together, I can really interact and spend quality time with my children and also have a bit to myself, I would not want to change that but if, by whatever reason my wife got pregnant, then I would adjust and accept that.

This is what happened to us, and not as was implied by another poster that i was a selfish self ****self, i wasn't like a crying vengeful woman cos i didn't get my own way, but i wasn't as happy as i am now, as we BOTH are now. I was sad inside and felt my usefulness was at its limit.

A lot of thing in our life changed because of number 3 and we have a much happier less stressful life for it. I firmly believe we would still be working like maniacs (neither job is affected by the recesion) and have no time for the 2 we already have, but we had to make a conscious decision about how our lives were going to move on for the next few years, and we actually had to make a plan of action and thank god we did..

As i had said we BOTH decided to give it a try and then we BOTH decided not to when our situation changed. I would never have pushed my husband into a situation he didn't want.

I had ample opportunity to 'accidently' get pregnant(7 year gap) but i have too much respect for him to do this. He knew how much i wanted another one and through discussion we ironed out the issues that worried him the most his financial worries and figuring out how we'd cope with the work aspect.

Once this was sorted out by talking to each other and ironing out our differences it was an easy decision to make. We both love kids and even though we said we were going to try in the end it was a surprise.
If we couldn't have agreed, i wouldn't have pressured him into it

If it was because he didn't want another child that's very different to worrying that you don't have the financial and emotional wherewithall to cope with another child. the dilemma we faced was will we or won't we, not he definately doesn't want one and i definately do.

Our first 2 weren't planned the 3rd kinda was.. but if it happened again, i'd bang my head on a wall for 2 minutes and get on with it..
What's meant for you won't pass you.. good or bad :rolleyes:

Noffles

cbyrd wrote: »

This is what happened to us, and not as was implied by another poster that i was a selfish self ****self, i wasn't like a crying vengeful woman cos i didn't get my own way, but i wasn't as happy as i am now, as we BOTH are now. I was sad inside and felt my usefulness was at its limit.

A lot of thing in our life changed because of number 3 and we have a much happier less stressful life for it. I firmly believe we would still be working like maniacs (neither job is affected by the recesion) and have no time for the 2 we already have, but we had to make a conscious decision about how our lives were going to move on for the next few years, and we actually had to make a plan of action and thank god we did..

As i had said we BOTH decided to give it a try and then we BOTH decided not to when our situation changed. I would never have pushed my husband into a situation he didn't want.

I had ample opportunity to 'accidently' get pregnant(7 year gap) but i have too much respect for him to do this. He knew how much i wanted another one and through discussion we ironed out the issues that worried him the most his financial worries and figuring out how we'd cope with the work aspect.

Once this was sorted out by talking to each other and ironing out our differences it was an easy decision to make. We both love kids and even though we said we were going to try in the end it was a surprise.
If we couldn't have agreed, i wouldn't have pressured him into it

If it was because he didn't want another child that's very different to worrying that you don't have the financial and emotional wherewithall to cope with another child. the dilemma we faced was will we or won't we, not he definately doesn't want one and i definately do.

Our first 2 weren't planned the 3rd kinda was.. but if it happened again, i'd bang my head on a wall for 2 minutes and get on with it..
What's meant for you won't pass you.. good or bad :rolleyes:

You seem to be typing the word "both" in capitals... trying to make a point..?:rolleyes:

cbyrd

Noffles wrote: »

You seem to be typing the word "both" in capitals... trying to make a point..?:rolleyes:

Yes.. it was a decision by both of us.. you assumed in an earlier post that i was a self *****self ?? whatever that was.. So i just felt i needed to point out that it was not an immaculate conception but one where my husband was there!!

Craven99

cbyrd wrote: »

This is what happened to us, and not as was implied by another poster that i was a selfish self ****self, i wasn't like a crying vengeful woman cos i didn't get my own way, but i wasn't as happy as i am now, as we BOTH are now. I was sad inside and felt my usefulness was at its limit.

A lot of thing in our life changed because of number 3 and we have a much happier less stressful life for it. I firmly believe we would still be working like maniacs (neither job is affected by the recesion) and have no time for the 2 we already have, but we had to make a conscious decision about how our lives were going to move on for the next few years, and we actually had to make a plan of action and thank god we did..

As i had said we BOTH decided to give it a try and then we BOTH decided not to when our situation changed. I would never have pushed my husband into a situation he didn't want.

I had ample opportunity to 'accidently' get pregnant(7 year gap) but i have too much respect for him to do this. He knew how much i wanted another one and through discussion we ironed out the issues that worried him the most his financial worries and figuring out how we'd cope with the work aspect.

Once this was sorted out by talking to each other and ironing out our differences it was an easy decision to make. We both love kids and even though we said we were going to try in the end it was a surprise.
If we couldn't have agreed, i wouldn't have pressured him into it

If it was because he didn't want another child that's very different to worrying that you don't have the financial and emotional wherewithall to cope with another child. the dilemma we faced was will we or won't we, not he definately doesn't want one and i definately do.

Our first 2 weren't planned the 3rd kinda was.. but if it happened again, i'd bang my head on a wall for 2 minutes and get on with it..
What's meant for you won't pass you.. good or bad :rolleyes:

As I may have inferred previously my wife did develop some pretty sever medical conditions after the borth of our last son. They still effect her to this day - almost 6 years later. It simply amazes me that she can consider going through that again and potentially getting even worse than she is now. For me that thought simply moves me from someone who is happy not having anymore to actively not wanting anymore.

Like you though if it did happen i would not for one second regret it or in anyway whatsoever think in a negative light against the child - but my stress, worry and concern would go through the roof for my wife.

Nevyn

I know someone who had two awful pregnancies, was on bed rest for a lot of the 2nd and 3rd trimester. She had to be emgerncy c section on the first and died on the operating table when the baby was took out of her and she was in a life for death sitution for 24 hours after wards. Second time around she was constantly taken in to hospital due to blood pressure and Pre-eclampsia. Both pregnancies she came cose to dying and while her husband is happy with the two they have she is talking about wanting another one as the first two kids are the same gender.

There is a good chance she could die and leave her family behind, but yet she still thinks about it and talks about it. I think it is madness.

alex73

ALWAYS!! ALWAYS do want the wife wants... Otherwise she will nag you to hell forever.

My wife did not want a 3rd but I did, 3rd happened (after a bottle of merlot)

We never regret #3. The comedy he gets up to is priceless.